It began when I was 5 and my brother was born, being the first born I was insistently reminded that I was to set an example and care for him, I was also under the influence of a "ghost". I had a little sister , who died when i was 18 mnths old. My mother would tell me that she would have done things for her and my brother and would have been a good girl. When I wouldn't do things the way she wanted she would tell me that "Kathleen" should have lived and that it was my fault she died. That hung over my head until my sister Kim was born , when I was 12. Then the ghost was placed on her.
To give some insight into my parents:
My mother was a needy person, always wanted to keep up with the "jones", if one of her friends got something she wanted oit too. My father was a concertive, "penny pinching" live within your means, person. they argued alot. I was placed in a position to take sides. One or the other would come to me and ask who was right. I hated that. I didn't want to take sides, one over the other. I resented my mom for many reasons,( above being the formost", and resented my dad for wanting me to see his side.Not that I didn't , but, I still resented his wanting my output, I was just a kid! What did I know.
I think that I wanted to be a caregiver ever since I was 9, I remember I wanted a new bike, my dad being what he was, said that I had to earn it and that there were children in the world that didn't have anything. I got mad and tried to run away, I couldn't understand why mom got everything she wanted and us children had to "earn" it. When i ran away my dad caught up with me, and took me for a ride to a homeless shelter, He explained while there that he donated money to these people to help them get on their feet, " Mom didn't know" and he wanted me to keep it a secret. My heart went out to these poor people, and I never asked for anything "new" again. as a matter of fact when I got home I went through some of my old toys and clothes and asked dad to take them to the shelter. I wanted to do more but didn't know what. I knew then that I would dedicate my life to helping others less fortunate. I even went so far as to bring a homeless person home. My mother had a fit , my dad shook his head and patted me on my head . He then took the person to the shelter.
Back to my sister, As Kim grew up , I was still forced to be the resposible one, having to care for both my brother and now Kim. I was to take my brother to school, make sure he was safe, change and feed and care for Kim. I remmeber when Kim was able to talk she called me mom. My mom was angry and would find reasons to get me grounded. She took credit for all that i did, cleaning the house careing for the kids, etc. When dad would coome home from work she would tell him that she was doing all those things and that I was just sitting around doing nothing. It made me very angry and rebellious. I would tell dad that she lied, but, dad would ground me anyways, to please her highness.God I hated my mother then! and I resented (or was angry) with myself for it.I was also angry with my dad for caving in to her needs or wants.During all this I barely had time to enjoy being a kid.
There's more but right now it hurts to talk about it, and it just makes me realize how lonely i am.