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by Nick
Rated: 18+ · Other · Comedy · #960351
My stand-up comedic rants about anything and everything
Hey, thanks for joining me. I guess I'm just supposed to start talking about stuff and hope you laugh. I suppose I could do that. Stand-up's a little hard to do through writing, but hopefully I'll pull through. Besides, I can't hear you booing me from your computer so it should work out quite nicely. ;)

This is quite a lovely site here isn't it? Just a bunch of writers helping each other out. It's great. And there's so many options too. When I was writing this actually, I couldn't think of a 3rd category to put this under so I chose "finances" since nobody ever seems to write about "finances" anyway. It even allows you to pick your own keywords. So now, if you type in "tomato" or "purple" this will come up. That's truly just more choices than anyone like myself really needs. They're just handing me power to abuse!

But seriously, major props to The StoryMaster and The StoryMistress for making this site. I wish them good luck in thier marriage and hope they have little NovellaMasters and ShortStoryMistresses.

I tend to write poetry on here. Poetry is like the lazy man's story. You just rhyme it and you can pass it as something. Hell, you don't even have to do that. I could call this poetry and you wouldn't be able to say differently.

But anyway, I've become obsessed with these reality shows lately. I watch "The Contender" Sundays, "American Idol" Mondays, "The Amazing Race" and "American Idol" Tuesdays", and "Survivor" and "The Apprentice" Thursdays. Some may call that obsessive. I call it dedicated. You know American television is in its prime when I can watch someone get beat up, someone lose a singing competition, someone eat small insects, and someone fail a job application all while crushing the emotional souls of said people in 1 week without a single paid actor present!

My other favorite show is "South Park" on Comedy Central. There's something about cynical sarcasm about important political events and a remarkably dry sense of humor that just makes cartoons so appealing. Speaking of politics, why does everybody beat down Bush so much? Everybody seems so hung up on how "smart" he is. Yeah, he's not much of a speaker, but in todays country of rednecks and whiny little liberals; an intellectual isn't exactly accurate representation.

I love America. We can go to war and police the world through our government. Then, we can mock the attitude of that government and preach peace. Our freedom allows us to have enough different views to make it appear like we don't have a stance on anything. On that note, maybe Kerry would have been accurate representation of our country. See what I just did? I nullified my pro-Bush stance in the last paragraph with this pro-Kerry one. No official stance means everything stays "politically correct". All in all we missed out by not voting in Ralph Nader...

Have you seen the gas prices lately? Remember when $2 seemed like a high gas price? I'm all for drilling in Alaska. People say that oil spills will kill a lot of animals, but in my opinion the only reason the Polar Bears still live up there is because they can't afford the gas prices to migrate elsewhere. But its all about the money and economics with Saudi Arabia that have got our gas issue in a gridlock. Money. Money. Money. I find it ironic that paper bills fund logging companies that destroy trees. It seems like the paper kind of betrayed thier buddies with that one. People complain about taxes all the time. Everybody's so afraid that if they give up thier money, the US government will use that money to unnecessarily attack other countries for money. It's a crazy cycle. Politics suck.

Well, I ragged on politics a little, so now if I follow my "Universal Outline For All Comedians" I should continue onto religion, then follow up with some politically incorrect statements about minorities for shock value. Maybe I'll shake things up and end with a knock-knock joke. But as far as religion goes, its becoming a lot along the lines of politics. Everyone's just fighting and complaining all the time. I do believe the universe would shut down if Wolf Blitzer would come on CNN and say, "Major religious leaders have decided to live in harmony with other beliefs today and our government didn't do anything wrong within the last 24 hours." Seriously, what would CNN do? The entire network would panic. Peace would be so insanely akward compared to our everyday lives now. Peace only makes people hate each other more. Why exactly are we "fighting for peace"? Isn't fighting for peace like screwing for virginity? Seriously, it's an oxymoron.

I'm a Freshman in High School currently, if I failed to mention that earlier. I love High School. The whole system is just so easy to make fun of. Teenagers aren't so much naturally rebellious as they are quick to point out the faults in the arguments of "adults" and make use of thier right to make thier own choices in life. I love the way adults react to teenage problems too. The ironics of pressuring kids to say no to peer pressure, and telling them not to be judgemental of people in minorities while they clearly judge you based on your age is just hillarious. It's histerical when they'll lie to you about how "marijuana supports terrorism" to keep you from lying to them about drugs. I understand that they're just trying to keep thier children from going down a path that will have a negative effect on thier life, but even the best intentions need to be backed up by an appropriete approach. That's good advice. Feel free to take it since I'm not using it at the moment.

Oh yeah, this was supposed to be comedy. I got off on a bit of a tangent. It happens with me. Sorry. I can only be funny 90% of the time, so give me a little leverage here. I'm under a lot of pressure. I don't think I'll sleep until I get a brilliantly-written constructive three-word review that enlightens me by saying "That was good" and justifies the 12 paragraphs I put into this thing. Or you could be extra lazy and JUST rate it! Great idea! Give the guy a 3.5 and NEVER even let him in on that horrible spelling mistake he missed. It's like the guy that has brocolli in his teeth but nobody will tell him. Well, now that I've completely criticized reviews I haven't even recieved yet, please review this! I didn't rant on for hours for nothing!

Thanks you've been a wonderful audience.

© Copyright 2005 Nick (nick_m at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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