A job letter guaranteed not to produce any results.
|Private and Confidential
The Chairman of The Board
Macdonald’s Burger Restaurants
Dear Whoever It May Concern,
I am writing to you in the off chance that you may have a senior position on your managerial team that is currently vacant. If you have such a position please assume that I am applying for the post with this letter.
I have been out of work for just over 8 years now, a situation that I enjoy immensely, but that the wife says must change. Hence the reason for this communication.
I have not neglected to include my curriculum vitae, otherwise known as my CV, but decided that the effort required to produce one was more than I wished to expend on my job hunt.
My last job was with a well-known car manufacturer, I worked on the assembly line putting the spare wheel into the boot.
I was dismissed from my previous position for habitual bad time keeping, insubordination, poor personal hygiene, and taking home the odd car part to sell to the local auto part shop when I ran out of beer money, but no charges where pressed.
Since then I have become an expert on the Eurosport television channel, put on a lot of weight, and worn out two armchairs.
Despite lacking any formal qualifications or previous management experience I believe that I would be well suited to a “Fat Cat” managerial position. Coming in late and going home early, from my experience, are the only qualifications needed for such a position.
I think that a six-figure salary with a minimum of forty-two days annual leave would be commensurate with my previous experience. An Audi TT would be acceptable as a company car, preferably the cabriolet version. I would also expect a company pension that would allow me to retire in five years, full medical health insurance for myself, my wife, my eight children, five grandchildren, and mine and the wife’s parents.
For me to be able to commute easily to your company will require me, and my entire family to relocate. I would expect the relocation expenses plus compensation for the stress that this would cause, especially to my parents who are getting on a bit, to be met by the company in full.
I look forward to being invited for an interview, preferable after next Tuesday to allow for the Beach Volley ball tournament to finish on Eurosport.
I am not a great believer in suits and ties, so as the weather is very hot for the time of year, I suggest that we all wear shorts and t-shirts, and keep the interview informal. Preferable in the nearest pub, rather than your stuffy office.
I can only say how much I am looking forward to working with you over the next five years, and hope that the feeling is mutual.
Ps Would I be entitled to free Big Macs?