A short parody of the council of Elrond scene from the Lord of the Rings.
|Elrond: "Welcome strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been gathered here today to answer the threat of the Matrix. Oops, I mean, the threat of Mordor! Bring forth the ring, Mr Anderson. I'm really getting it wrong today, I apologise! Bring forth the ring Frodo."
Frodo takes the ring and places it on a table. Everyone gawps at it, except Gimli who has fallen asleep and is whispering about cheese.
Boromir (whispering): "So it is true. A dream came to me. In the West the sky grew dark but in the East a pale light lingered. A voice cried out [censored] 'Doom is near at hand! Isildur's bane has been found!' Isildur's bane..."
Boromir gets a strange glint in his eye as he reaches for the ring. Elrond stands up and yells.
Boromir looks shocked and immediately site back down, moaning to himself. Gandalf looks annoyed and stands up.
Gandalf: "Ash nazg durbatuluk, ask nazg gibatul........what's that line again? I said LINE!"
An elf comes over and whisper to him.
Gandalf: "Ahh yes! Ash nazg thrakatuluk arg burzum-ishu krimpatul!"
Elrond: "Never before has that tongue been uttered here, Gandalf Greyhame!"
Gandalf: "Who cares? Where were we?"
Gandalf sits back down. Elrond follows suit and Boromir starts nodding his head.
Boromir: "It is a gift! A gift to the [censored] foes of Mordor! Long has my father, steward of Mordor......[censored]! I'm sorry, steward of Gondor, kept the force of Gondor......I mean Mordor......[censored]! Sorry again, I'm having a bad day with words. Anyway as I was saying......where was I?? Oh yes, why don't we use this ring against them? The forces of Gondor......I mean......argh for [censored] sake! I mean [censored] Mordor. Never mind. My point is why not [censored] use this ring."
Aragorn looks angry and stands up, turning to Boromir.
Aragorn: "Yo dude! are you, like, totally a dumbass? Like not one dude can wield this funky thang!"
Boromir stands and faces Aragorn, very angrily.
Boromir: "Oh [censored] off you [censored]. What the [censored] do you know, your just a [censored] ranger. [Censored] to all you rangers you're a bunch of [censored]."
Legolas: "Excuse you, my dear sailor! Shut that angry door. Just let your inner self be free and........"
Elrond: "Back to the point."
Legolas: "Yes Boromir, this is no mere ranger. This is Aragorn so of Arathorn. You owe him your......your......your......what's the word again?"
Legolas: "Yes, that's it! Does anyone have a script I can borrow please? I can't remember half my lines! And there are just too many doors to be shut!"
Everyone sits back down again, a little calmer now.
Frodo (whispering): "That guy is so camp!"
Aragorn: "Dude, like park your leggyass dog!"
Sam (from behind the bushes): "What is wrong with that guy? Can he even speak English?"
Aragorn: "I'm being like cool dude. I'm a P.I.M.P.!"
Gandalf: "I'll show you cool. I can flow like you've never seen before. Give me a baseline!"
Gandalf stands and throws off his wizard hat. He puts a cap on and loads of jewellery, as everyone starts to make a baseline.
Gandalf: "Yo like once there was a ring. It said ding-a-ling-a-ling. It was evil, pure evil. It had do be destroyed so our troupes we, like, deployed and we went into Mordor. It may sound like such a bore but yo! It was cool dude!"
Pippin and Merry: "That was SO sweet!"
Gandalf smiles, satisfied, and sits back down. Everyone is rocking their head as if in time to the music, apart from Legolas.
Legolas: "You call THAT cool? You're the biggest loser on the planet! And I'll bet Aragorn agrees with me!"
Aragorn: "Just howeod dad Legolas, dude!"
Elrond: "Back to the point, again. We need to destroy the ring."
Aragorn (muttering): "Well duh, dude!"
Gandalf: "Aragorn's right dude! For all you haters out there, stop dissin' my dog and listen up!"
Sam (still behind the bushes): "Oh for God's sake!"
Legolas: "Where did that fell voice come from? I hear someone in the bushes! Hello sailor!"
Gimli (waking up): "Huh? What? I agree with Frodo!"
Everyone looks at Gimli without a clue what he is talking about.
Gandalf: "Frodo didn't say anything. We were discussing the destruction of the ring."
Gimli: "Then what are we waiting for?"
Gimli walks up to the Ring and tries to chop it with his axe. He falls backwards and the Ring is undamaged.
Elrond: "The Matrix......I mean Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli you [censored] by any craft that we here possess."
Boromir: "Oh yes it [censored] can, I bet."
Everyone starts to argue about whether the Ring can be destroyed. Elrond stands up and yells.
Elrond: "Everyone, SHUT UP!"
Everyone stares at Elrond, shocked at his sudden outburst. They all immediately shut up apart from Aragorn who is sniggering.
Elrond: "Right, now that I have your attention, I suggest that we send someone with the Ring deep into Mordor and they can destroy it. Okay Neo? Argh! I mean everyone."
Legolas: "Really, dear chap? I think that sounds quite easy!"
Boromir: "Shut up you [censored] elf!"
Legolas: "Shut your door, sailor!"
Everyone stands up and starts fighting and yelling at each other. Frodo stands and yells over the noise.
Frodo: "I will take it! I will take it!"
Everyone shuts up and looks at Frodo. Gandalf rolls his eyes and sighs.
Frodo: "I will take the Ring to Mordor. Though........I do not know the way."
Gandalf: "Frodo, I will go with you because I'm the only one who seems to be volunteering......hint, hint!"
Aragorn: "Like, I will come too, dude!"
Legolas: "My dear chap, you have my bow, well not literally!"
Gimli: "And you can have my axe. Well as long as you buy me a new one, and not one of those tacky smart price ones!"
Boromir: "I suppose I'll [censored] come. Hey! What are you beeping me for? [Censored]. I didn't even swear! Anyway, it's not like little [censored] kids are gonna read this! This is [censored]. Oh for God's sake!"
Sam: "Hey! Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me. And I'm sure he couldn't bear to leave his dear boyfriend behind anyway."
Elrond: "Indeed! It is hardly possible to separate you two. Gandalf said he saw you in the bushes earlier."
Gandalf: "Actually that was Aragorn and Arwen but never mind!"
Merry: "Oi! We're coming too! You'll have to chain us up with fluffy pink handcuffs to stop us!"
Gimli: "Ooooh, kinky!"
Elrond: "A change of subject would be nice about now."
Pippin: "Yes. Anyway, you need people with fashion sense and without a temper on this sort of........thingy magigy."
Merry: "Like you have fashion sense! You wear the same bloody scarf every day. And that cloak........well don't ever go there!"
Aragorn: "Like, dude, we're gonna have an orgy! This is gonna be awesome!"
Elrond: "Nine companions, all from Zion. Bugger! Anyway, you shall be the Fellowship of the Matrix."
Everyone bursts into fits of laughter. Elrond just stands there looking blank.
Legolas: "My dear sailor, you said Fellowship of the Matrix."
Elrond: "Blast! I meant, you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring. All ready to go?"
Pippin: "Sure. Where are we going again?"
The fellowship sighs and starts to sing 'We're going into Mordor' to the tune of 'We're going to Ibiza' and play various instruments. Gandalf - DJ, Aragorn - Singing, Boromir - Singer, Legolas - Flute, Gimli - Maracas, Frodo - Kayboard, Sam - Drums, Pippin - Guitar, Merry - Guitar. The song finishes.