Saved by the Bell of Coin and Craze

Saved by the Bell: A Comedy of Coin and Craze in the Style of Shakespear

Saved by the Bell: A Comedy of Coin and Craze

Episode Title: The Frenzy of the Bauble

Dramatis Personae

Zachary Morris, a charming rogue, leader of Bayside’s youths

Kelly Kapowski, fair maiden, beloved of Zachary

Albert Clifford “A.C.” Slater, a gallant athlete, rival to Zachary

Jessica Spano, a scholar of sharp wit and ambition

Lisa Turtle, a lady of fashion and sharp tongue

Samuel “Screech” Powers, a fool, yet loyal friend

Mr. Richard Belding, principal, keeper of Bayside’s order

Townsfolk, Students, and Merchants, various


Setting: Bayside High, a bustling school in fair California, where we lay our scene.


Act I: The Bauble’s Rise


Scene I: The Halls of Bayside High
The students gather, abuzz with talk of a new fad: collecting “Gilded Orbs,” shiny trinkets sold by a cunning merchant. Enter Zachary, Kelly, Slater, Jessie, Lisa, and Screech.


Zachary (aside):
O fickle youth, how swift thy heart doth sway,
To chase each glittering fad that comes thy way!
These Gilded Orbs, of metal wrought and sheen,
Have set our Bayside’s scholars all a-dream.
I’ll turn this craze to profit, mark my vow,
And woo fair Kelly with my cunning now.


Kelly:
Good Zachary, hast seen these Orbs of gold?
They say each holds a charm, a tale untold.
My purse doth weep, yet still I crave to own,
A score of these, to shine as mine alone.


Slater:
Fie, Kapowski, restrain thy girlish whim!
These baubles be but trifles, fleeting, dim.
Yet, soft—I too am caught within their spell,
For ev’ry lad at Bayside buys as well.


Jessie:
O wasteful folly! Reason cries, beware!
These Orbs do drain our coin, yet none forswear.
I’ll keep my purse, and shun this merchant’s game,
Lest poverty doth brand me with its shame.


Lisa:
Nay, Jessie, cast aside thy scholar’s scorn!
These Orbs be fashion’s crest, by all men worn.
My wardrobe lacks but one—a sapphire kind—
And I’ll not rest till such a prize I find.


Screech:
Alack, my lords and ladies, hear my woe!
I spent my last ten ducats long ago.
A brass Orb bought, but now ’tis lost, I fear,
And creditors do whisper in mine ear.
Enter Mr. Belding, with furrowed brow.


Belding:
What tumult this? What madness grips my school?
Your minds should study books, not baubles’ rule!
This merchant’s wares have turn’d your wits astray—
To class, anon, or detentions you’ll pay!
Exeunt Belding. The students plot to acquire more Orbs, ignoring Jessie’s warnings.


Zachary:
Sweet friends, let’s pool our coin and buy in bulk,
Then sell at profit to each Bayside hulk.
With Kelly’s smile and Slater’s brawny frame,
We’ll rule this fad and win immortal fame.
All (but Jessie):
Agreed! To market, let us haste away!
Exeunt all but Jessie.


Jessie (aside):
O vanity, thou tyrant of the young!
Their purses bleed, yet still their hearts are stung.
I’ll watch this farce, and when their fortunes fall,
I’ll teach them wisdom, ere they lose their all.


Act II: The Merchant’s Triumph


Scene I: The Marketplace
A gaudy stall, bedecked with Gilded Orbs. The merchant, a sly knave, tempts the students. Enter Zachary, Kelly, Slater, Lisa, and Screech.


Merchant:
Come, gentle youths, behold my wares divine!
Each Orb doth gleam with promise crystalline.
Ten ducats each, or twenty for a pair—
Buy now, or rue the day in deep despair!


Kelly:
O merchant, show me that which sparkles blue,
To match mine eyes, and make my dreams come true.


Slater:
And I’ll take three, to best my rival’s hoard—
Zach Morris shall not boast a greater board!


Zachary:
Hold, friends, let’s bargain as a cunning band.
Good merchant, lower prices, by thy hand,
Or we shall take our coin to other stalls,
And leave thy Orbs to gather dust in halls.


Merchant (aside):
This knave thinks sharp, but I am sharper still.
I’ll feign a deal, and empty their purse at will.


Merchant:
Young sir, for thee, a discount I’ll bestow—
Eight ducats each, but swift, ere I forego!
The students, enraptured, empty their purses. Screech trades his prized telescope for a single Orb. Lisa pawns her finest gown.


Lisa:
My silks are gone, yet see this Orb’s bright hue!
No lady at Bayside shall rival me anew.


Screech:
My telescope, my stars, my dreams—farewell!
This Orb’s my treasure now, though hearts do tell.


Exeunt students, laden with Orbs. Enter Jessie, observing.


Jessie (aside):
O prodigal excess! Their wealth is spent,
And soon their joy shall turn to discontent.
I’ll to the principal, and this reveal,
Lest Bayside’s youth their futures rashly seal.


Act III: The Reckoning


Scene I: Bayside High, The Principal’s Office
Jessie confers with Mr. Belding. Enter Zachary, Kelly, Slater, Lisa, and Screech, now penniless and quarreling.


Kelly:
Zachary, thy plan hath left us all forlorn!
My purse is bare, my dreams of Orbs now torn.


Slater:
Thou scheming knave, thy “profit” was a jest!
Our coins are gone, and we are sore distressed.


Zachary:
Peace, friends! I meant no harm, but mirth and gain.
Yet, lo, the merchant’s fled—our hopes are slain.


Screech:
My telescope! My heart! I am undone!
This Orb’s but brass—its shine already gone!


Enter Mr. Belding and Jessie.


Belding:
What have we here? A school of spendthrift fools!
Your Orbs are naught but trinkets, fit for gulls.
This merchant, known to me, is but a cheat,
Who preys on youths and leaves their coffers beat.


Jessie:
I warned ye all, but none would heed my cry.
Now learn: true wealth in wisdom’s stores doth lie.
Return these Orbs, if e’er the knave be found,
And seek no more what folly hath unbound.


Lisa:
O Jessie, wise art thou, and we are shamed.
Our lust for fads hath left our names defamed.


Zachary:
Fear not, good friends, for Zachary hath a plan!
We’ll track this rogue and catch him where he ran.
With Belding’s aid, we’ll set a trap most sly,
And win our coin, or bid our hopes good-bye.


Act IV: The Trap and Resolution
Scene I: The Marketplace, Night
The students, with Mr. Belding, stage a ruse to lure the merchant. Zachary poses as a wealthy noble, offering to buy all remaining Orbs.


Zachary (to Merchant):
Good sir, I hear thy Orbs are rare and fine.
I’d buy thy stock, with gold and silver mine.
But show me first thy wares, and name thy price,
For I am rich, and will not haggle twice.


Merchant:
O noble youth, my Orbs are thine to claim!
Five hundred ducats, and immortal fame.


As the merchant reveals his stash, Slater and Belding seize him.


Belding:
Thou knave, thy game is done! Return their gold,
Or face the law, as justice doth unfold.


Merchant (kneeling):
Mercy, good sir! I’ll give their coin anon,
And leave this town, ne’er to return, I swan!
The students recover their money. The Orbs are revealed as worthless brass. The merchant is banished.


Kelly:
O Zachary, thy wit hath saved the day!
Yet nevermore shall fads my heart betray.


Slater:
And I confess, my pride did blind mine eyes.
Henceforth, I’ll seek what’s true, and shun disguise.


Screech:
My telescope! I’ll trade no more for naught!
This lesson’s worth more than the Orb I bought.


Lisa:
My gowns return, and fashion’s lure I’ll spurn,
Till wisdom guides what coin I choose to earn.


Jessie:
Thus ends our tale of folly and of greed.
Let Bayside learn: true wealth is what we need.


Belding:
Well said, young Spano. Now, to class, away!
And let no bauble lead your hearts astray.


Zachary (aside to audience):
Though fads may tempt, and gold may call us near,
The truest treasure’s friendship, ever dear.
So, Bayside, laugh, and learn from our mistake—
Till next we err, for trouble’s sake!


All laugh and exit, arm in arm, as the curtain falls.