Self Destructive (part 1)

a poem I wrote 20 years ago about being me, going to update it with how I am now.

I know that I am self destructive, a product of my own demise.
But the torture and pain I feed on, has always been part of my disguise.

I crawl right into the darkness, not knowing how to walk just yet.
I grasp at the unknown and thriving, unsure of what I will get.

The desperation and emptiness are turning inside out.
The screams and waking hours make me wonder what it’s about.

The chaos in my mind wreaks havoc on my soul.
For now in my heart is another gaping hole.

I walk around in a fog, unsure of what is real.
Slinking back into the darkness, the only way to deal.

Sleep brings no consolation; fear follows me into the dark night.
Awaken in another cold sweat, no mercy for me in sight.

Blackness spins around, clinging to my disillusion.
The stillness in the air brings back all the confusion.

First, my skin crawls, then my body begins to shake.
I am starting to think that soon I will break.

The terror rises, the chill sets in.
All my senses are alive again.

Backing into the corner I pull my legs to my chest.
I push away the lucid tears; all I want is to rest.

Silence echoes with the terror in my head.
Each new day, is just another day I dread.

I clutch at reality, trying to drown it all out.
But it won't go away and it just makes me want to shout.

I close my eyes, crying out for peace.
Hoping and praying for a release.

I try to breathe but my chest is just getting tighter.
How could this happen to me? Once I was a fighter.

To get myself back, I have to break free.
Return to the person I used to be.