I don't speak girl!

Comedy about a divorcee talking to his pastor

"Hi Jeremy, how are you? Please, come in. Shoes by the mat."

"Hi Pastor. Shoes… yeah, sure. Wouldn’t want to desecrate the holy carpet."

"So, how have you been?"

"Well, you know… about the divorce."

"Has that all gone through now?"

"Yep. Papers signed. No more ball and chain. I’m officially a free man. Like Braveheart… but with less face paint."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"Relieved. Toward the end, every conversation was like talking to a blender set to ‘rage smoothie.’ Completely unbearable."

"Any idea why she was so angry?"

"If I knew that, I’d still be married. But you know me, pastor, I don’t speak girl. All that emotional talk sounds like white noise… or worse, like a car alarm that won’t shut off. You gave that sermon a while back about the man being priest, prophet, protector, and provider. The 4 Ps. I liked that. It sounded like good advice."

"Were you those things to her?"

"Well, I would’ve smashed anyone who touched her. But, you know, I look big and scary. No one ever tried. Paid the bills on time, prayed for her all the time, quoted God’s word at her like I was running a Christian fortune cookie factory. She mostly found it annoying."

"Was she a Christian?"

"She said she was."

"So, you met her in church?"

"Nope. She only showed up at Christmas, weddings, and funerals. Basically, she treated church like Uber."

"Maybe in a Bible study?"

"She’s never read the Bible cover to cover. She thought Job was pronounced 'job' and kept asking why God cared about someone’s employment history."

"Through Christian friends?"

"No, her friends were full-blown pagans. Her family’s like a reality show, except no one gets paid."

"So you married a non-Christian, basically."

"I guess so."

"And then you treated her like a Christian and wondered why she was mad all the time?"

"Pretty much. She never did what I said, even though she promised to ‘honor and obey.’ I thought that was legally binding."

"So why did you marry her if she wasn’t a Christian?"

"Because she was hot, and she made me laugh. At first. Plus, she was foreign, like an exotic puzzle. I just didn’t realize the puzzle was missing half the pieces until it was too late."

"So what was her main complaint against you?"

"Oh, she had a long scroll - alphabetized and indexed. But most of it was the usual emasculating feminist nonsense our culture runs on. Toxic soup with a garnish of nagging."

"OK, give me an example."

"Easy. I said women look good in mini bikinis. She detonated like a hand grenade in a yoga class."

"How old is your wife?"

"Forties. Why?"

"Do you think she’d ever wear a mini bikini?"

"No chance. She doesn’t have the figure for it anymore."

"So maybe those comments might be a little… hurtful?"

"Oh, come on. If women can’t handle honesty, what are they good for? Ninety percent of men, if honest... a scientific fact, agree that hot women look good in mini-bikinis. That’s biology. The real problem is women who can’t be honest about it."

"Maybe most men are a little more gentle and diplomatic about discussing bikinis with middle-aged women?"

"Pastor, I told you, I don’t speak girl. I saw that survey on the news: the Catholic Church studied confessional sins by gender. Women? Pride and vanity. If women could get over themselves, then they could talk about mini-bikinis."

"And the men?"

"Men? I did not read that part."

"Well, I did. Men struggle with greed, gluttony, and lust."

"Please. If women were more obliging in the bedroom, we wouldn’t lust. If they didn’t want the big house and fancy car, we wouldn’t be greedy. And gluttony? Forgive me for eating Doritos after a ten-hour shift and some nag about me not being a poncy vegan!"

"Are you seriously defending the seven deadly sins?"

"No… well, maybe just the fun ones. Look, maybe I screwed up. Maybe I should’ve listened more. But tell me, pastor, how many men actually speak 'girl' when they get married? That’s an elective course you only pass after your marriage has already exploded."

"I’m teaching a marriage course later today. What advice would you give young couples?"

"Easy. Put up a giant photo of me with the caption: ‘Don’t do it his way.’ And most importantly…"

"Most importantly…"

"Run a mandatory training course for all the husbands-to-be… and teach them how to speak girl!"


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