Know That You Can Help

An article about knowing/not knowing what to do when a loved one is thinking of suicide

I was 16 years old and up late on a weeknight when Facebook pinged with a message from a school friend. Honestly, calling her a friend is probably unfair: we had been friends in freshman year before drifting apart- nobody's fault, it just happened. In any case, we were still close enough for her to say goodbye to me that night before carrying out a plan to kill herself.

My friend's story is heartbreakingly common: roughly 1 in every 5 young adults have had serious thoughts of suicide, and the suicide rate among 10-24 year olds has doubled since 2000. Many of these individuals will never tell anyone they've had thoughts of suicide: maybe because they're worried people will judge them, maybe because they don't want to burden anyone else with their problems, maybe for other reasons entirely. Even more will never seek help from a doctor or mental health professional because they don't trust that these resources will be helpful, or because treatment options around them aren't affordable and accessible.

I traded messages with my friend for hours, telling myself that if I could keep her talking, I could stop her from ending her life. It never occurred to me to ask for help- I wouldn't have known who to ask. When I woke up the next morning with my laptop overturned on the floor next to my bed, I was convinced that I'd failed her, and was completely inconsolable until I walked into the bandroom before third period and saw her sitting with the clarinets. Guilt gave way to relief, but the terror I felt when someone I cared about was in a life-or-death situation and I had no idea how to help has been harder to forget.

That terror drove me to spend half of my life in universities learning to better meet the needs of people experiencing suicidal thoughts, and to empower their loved ones and their communities to do the same. In the process, I've learned that suicide is a public health crisis with no easy answer, despite incredible progress made through the dedicated work of clinicians, researchers, and public health advocates: there are no magic words that you can tell someone who's thinking of suicide to keep them safe and make everything okay. More importantly, not everyone has the resources or the inclination to devote their lives to learning everything they can about suicide prevention, and we shouldn't need to in order to support people we care about when they're at risk.

This Wednesday, September 10, is World Suicide Prevention Day, and the American Association of Suicidology marks the entire week surrounding it each year as National Suicide Prevention Week. This week, and every week, it's important to remember that we don't need to be experts to help our loved ones keep themselves safe- you can make a difference just by showing you care. If a person who's thinking about for suicide is lucky enough to have someone like you in their life to support them and is brave enough to ask for your help, though, here are some techniques to keep in mind:

Know Your Role – People experiencing thoughts of suicide often struggle with overwhelming negative emotions that they may have difficulty expressing to someone else. You can help by responding to their distress with calm, and to their fear of rejection with warmth. Making it easier for them to tell you what's on their mind is more important than trying to figure out the right thing to say (or avoid saying the wrong thing) to them.

Don't focus so intensely on trying to save them or fix things that you forget to leave space for the person who needs help. Instead, encourage them to tell you about what they're feeling, listen patiently to what they share, and provide support without judging them or trying to problem-solve.

Be Open (Even If It's Uncomfortable) – Because suicide is so often stigmatized and avoided, asking someone if they are having thoughts of killing themselves (or even just saying the word “suicide” out loud) may feel like overstepping, or like you could risk putting thoughts of suicide into their mind. However, research has shown that talking about suicide openly can actually reduce the severity of a person's distress or help them to feel more in control.

Ask them directly if they're thinking about suicide. If they are, ask them what has been making them feel this way, and continue to listen.

Help Them Seek Help – When a person is having thoughts of suicide, help them limit their access to drugs, firearms, or other objects that they could use to kill themselves. If they don't feel confident in their ability to keep themselves safe, you can connect them with the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. If urgent medical attention is needed, take them to your local emergency department or call 911.

After the person is feeling more like themselves, resources available on campus, in your community, or online can also help them manage their experiences of suicidal thoughts when you aren’t available.

Take Care of Yourself, Too – Even for those of us who have chosen to do it for a living, helping someone navigate a suicidal crisis can be scary and exhausting. When such a difficult conversation is over and you're sure of everyone's safety, find your own healthy ways of coping and recovering, like doing something you enjoy or leaning on your loved ones for support. 988 also provides support for people who have helped someone else in crisis!

When a person you care about tells you they're thinking of suicide, feeling confident you know how to respond makes it significantly easier to respond effectively. Remember it's not your responsibility to save their life, but know that you can help them save themselves.