Ebber Snootnoseful - Writer's cramp 9-18

Being born with a Golden Spoon doesn't help when you have the intelligence of a baffoon.

          Ebber Snootnoseful, the recently crowned graduate of Wackem University - his mommy's beloved alma mater, primarily famous for its surprisingly resilient hydrangeas and a particularly baffling elective in advanced spoon-bending - stood on the precipice of adulthood. Or, more accurately, he stood on the precipice of a costly Persian rug in his parents' foyer, clutching a diploma that felt suspiciously like a restaurant menu. Unlike his mother, the remarkably astute Anytwon Snootnoseful, Ebber possessed a mind that could be generously described as a dim-wattage bulb in a perpetually foggy room. Indeed, a lightning bug could outshine Ebber.

          As a graduation present, his papa, who himself struggled to differentiate between a stock certificate and a grocery list, had bestowed upon Ebber the greatest gift a parent could give a son: a manservant. Aptly named, Mr. Manny Servant arrived promptly, a man of impeccable posture, a silver-thread smile, and eyes that held the quiet intelligence of a thousand librarians. His task? To ensure Ebber's inevitable blunders somehow, miraculously, always transformed into acts of quirky genius.

          Ebber's first foray into post-collegiate life began, as most things did, with an enthusiastic dive into the shallow end of the conversational pool. At a soir hosted by the notoriously snobbish Mrs. Primrose Petunia, Ebber spotted a statuesque woman adorned with an avant-garde hat resembling a particularly aggressive topiary that had swallowed a flock of exotic birds. "My dear!" Ebber boomed, his voice carrying across the hushed room like a misplaced tuba solo. "Your headwear is quite... robust! It reminds me of the time a huge badger tried to nest in my Aunt Mildred's wig!"

          A collective gasp rippled through the room, threatening to shatter Mrs. Petunia's heirloom crystal. The hat-wearing woman stiffened, her face a mask of offended dignity. Before the first syllable of outrage could escape her lips, Mr. Manny Servant materialized by Ebber's side, a picture of serene composure. He bowed slightly to the woman. "Forgive young Master Ebber's unconventional turn of phrase, madam," he chimed, his voice a soothing balm. "He is, you see, a fervent admirer of the {font :times}naturalistic school of millinery. His observation, while too earnestly delivered, was merely a connoisseur's appreciation for the raw, untamed spirit of your truly magnificent creation! A badger's nest, you say, Master Ebber? Ah, yes, the organic asymmetrical, the wild, untamed beauty! Truly inspirational!"

          The woman, initially bristling, now found herself preening. Naturalistic? Untamed beauty? She hadn't thought of it that way, but now that Mr. Manny Servant put it so eloquently, it made perfect sense. She tilted her head, suddenly proud of her "organic asymmetry." Ebber, meanwhile, beamed, completely unaware he'd been yanked from the brink of social suicide. "Yes!" he agreed heartily. "Like a very fashionable badger!"

          A few weeks later, Ebber decided to delve into the thrilling world of real estate speculation, convinced he possessed an innate talent for identifying "hidden gems." With a substantial chunk of his trust fund, he purchased what he proudly declared was "prime seaside property." Upon inspection, the property turned out to be less "seaside" and more "a perpetually flooded bog teeming with particularly aggressive mosquitoes," approximately fifty miles inland.

          Anytwon nearly had an aneurysm. But before Mrs. Snootnoseful could summon the family lawyers, Mr. Manny Servant quietly took charge. He spent a week sifting through ancient land deeds and obscure environmental regulations. Days later, a local newspaper ran a headline: "Snootnoseful Scion Donates Rare Wetland Preserve to Save the Critically Endangered Marsh Noodle!" It turned out Mr. Manny Servant had discovered a nearly forgotten bylaw designating the bog as a vital habitat for thePaludis vermis an amphibious worm so rare it hadn't been seen since the mid-1800s. Ebber, lauded as an ecological visionary, stood bewildered at the press conference, accepting a plaque he mistook for a particularly shiny coaster. "The marsh noodles are very... wiggly!" he announced, to a smattering of polite applause.

          And so, it went. Ebber continued to navigate the minefield of adulthood with the grace of a runaway train and the foresight of a blind mole. With each inevitable bungle, each inappropriate remark, each ill-conceived venture, Mr. Manny Servant was there, a silent, efficient maestro of disaster management, transforming Ebber's chaos into a symphony of accidental brilliance. The world, fooled by Mr. Manny Servant's impeccable spin, continued to marvel at Ebber's "eccentric charm" and "unconventional genius." At the same time, Ebber himself remained blissfully unaware that his life was, in fact, a beautifully curated accident, entirely orchestrated by the man who fetched his slippers.


Word Count: 750
Prompt: A dim-witted employer has gotten into some difficulty, and a clever employee must extricate that employer from it.