Depression, the silent killer

it's not uncommon these days to hear that someone is depressed...

Depression is a bitch; I'll tell you that much and you probably know it.

It eats at you slowly and devours your other miseries like desserts. and it's not the kind of things you can climb your way out of it willingly because most of the time: you don't realise you have it yet. most of the time it starts with a routine, a loop of doing the same things over and over. even worse? those things don't have to be annoying; they can be your favourite activities. yes, even doing the things you like can give birth to depression, once done too many times. but how much is "too many", well that depends, point is: it starts discreetly, disguised as something that normally shouldn't be a problem with you.

That's one out of many ways you can get depression, and it's one-way I'm too familiar with, hence I'm talking about it now.
Keep in mind that I really could care less about language mistakes in this one, so as long as you get the meaning that's enough for me.

Funny enough, that line is a bit of a depression symptom that we can start with: "not caring anymore".
As i stated earlier, depression can start with a routine, even one made purely of the things you love. but once you're stuck in a loop of doing the same thing over and over it loses whatever value you used to see in it. and slowly you start not caring much about it and in some cases: you start to hate it altogether.
Bear in mind, this loop is only the start. and for depression to continue it needs more than just routine: it needs more misery.
"Misery loves company" is one of the principles i found depression abiding with. by the time I found myself sad but unable to identify the reason it became clear that the slightest problems i heard about were just adding more fuel to the fire. wars, photos of human suffering that i can do nothing about, unrealistic deadlines for university projects expecting the highest commitment for the shittiest reason( a decent grade) and questions about the future in a country that makes me thankful sometimes for the most basic of human rights that i should have by default in a normal country...only for me to go the distance later and ask what is even a normal country?

Which leads me to another strange symptom of depression that i saw in myself many times: questioning everything, even the things i supposedly got my answer for. and let me make it clear this is not the kind of questions that reflect critical thinking or anything of the sort, this is the kind of questions that downplays the value of life, that puts a lot of doubt about what is ahead, and the kind of questions that reflects some sort of paranoia that is uncalled for, especially when you're also on the path of building something meaningful for yourself. i started first asking myself these questions and then i wanted to ask them to someone else only to remember...there is no one.

Depression feeds off misery as I've said, and one particular kind of misery it loves so much is loneliness.
For most of my life i've lived without a friend to share my thoughts with. be it questions about the future or silly teenage stuff i've always kept them to myself. mostly not by choice, since there was just no one to tell. and the thing about keeping thoughts to yourself: it's not a good idea regardless of the nature of those thoughts. bad thoughts? they only keep echoing inside your head until they crack something inside you. good thoughts? some of them end up fading, dying in silence when all they needed was someone to give them that little spark of praise.
and slowly but surely your brain is rewired to accept that fact, that no one will listen and even when you do find someone: you pass it off as a lucky one-time thing, not even thinking to maybe hold on to it.

This is not to say that talking to people is your way out of depression, oh believe me i've seen some of the most depressed people be also some of the most socially engaged ones. but in my experience: talking to someone, consistently and at the right times definitely would have made things a lot easier for me.

During depression, the happy times are shorter, the sad ones are longer, and in general you're just numb, feeling nothing most of the time you're just...existing. and the terrifying thing about that is you end up wasting the one resource you can never get back: time.
More precious than gold, and anything else in this world honestly, time is one thing heavily affected by depression because you end up spending it doing nothing or waiting to be done with whatever you have at hand, unable to think of something to do later or how to do what you're doing better. it's like being on leave, a mental checkout at least. and your time meanwhile? gone with the wind...

and if by chance, your entourage notices something off with you and they choose to ask you about it: depression directs those interactions as well but as you may guess it's not in a good way.

But i'll leave that to next time, so for now it is a "to be continued"