I think you have a good start to a unique love poem.
SUGGESTIONS:
I'd add more to this.
Maybe a more creative title - this is used often.
You need one that will draw your readers in.
A suggestion to go with your poem = Love's Contrast or Love's Opposite.
Keep writing!
Reviewed by Tammy
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Overall Impressions:
I enjoyed your story.
Poor little girl, how dreadful to have to stay with her horrid aunt.
Didn't we all have an aunt or family member like this that we hated to have to go see or stay with!!
I think your readers will easily identify with this story.
Your title fits well.
Your story flows well and I wasn't left with any questions.
Errors/Suggestions
Only one, maybe expand some on this...I'd love to know more about her stay and how her Grandma's health.
Keep writing!
Tammy
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My Overall impression:
Your genres are appropriate.
I think your idea for this story is good, it just needs to be tweaked a bit.
Suggestions/Errors:
You need to rate your item.
Check your tenses throughout...you go from the present to the past instead of sticking in the past
I was a little confused with you being dead and in the grave BUT your brother found this letter in your hidden stash.
Instead of this being a letter, you might try showing yourself remembering these events and tell the story or you could be in the grave remembering the story..as is it's confusing....I get the ending where he's reading the letter and you are not dead....but getting there was hard!?
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing! Reviewed by Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
Your rating and title are appropriate.
Great poem, you capture the feeling well of losing a writer here.
I like the last stanza the best.
Especially these three lines:
'because i'm still trailing my finger
along your possessions (of words)
and wishing i knew you.'
Suggestions/Errors:
You could add one more genre.
Emotional, drama or writing would work.
I think that poetry should either have punctuation or not.
I feel that it would add to this dramatic read if you removed the few punctuation that you do have. It would also go along with no capitalization that you have going.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing! Reviewed by
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My Overall impression:
Your rating, title and genres are appropriate.
Well said.
I agree with what you are saying in this.
You say it very vividly and straight to the point.
Your scenario draws the readers in and keeps them reading until the end where you execute your point.
Suggestions/Errors:
I did not notice any errors or typos.
Maybe separate into paras and use a little spacing.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing! Reviewed by Tammy
Overall Impression:
Your title and rating are ok.
I feel like you have a good start for poem.
I like the mono-rhymes you ave going.
Suggestions:
Your title could be more appealing, you need one that will draw your readers in.
I think you should expand on this, maybe go into more depth on who is there for you....after reading your short poem I do not know who you talking about.
A little vague throughout....what hardships? what despair?
Give more details, personalize your poem a little more.
Keep writing!
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Thanks for entering your poem in"Invalid Item" and good luck. OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Your title, rating and genres are good.
I like the shortness of the poem, you say what you want the reader to see and it's very effective for the whole feel of the poem.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
You have a few ending punctuation marks but not consistently through out, I'd go through and put more ending punctuation.
Scenes so horrific it'll test your stomachs might
And see if you could make it longer then the first flash of light
try
Scenes so horrific it'll test your stomachs might Seeing if you could make it longer than the first flash of light
The last line is confusing-
That they don't need to be re sown
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck. OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Unique topic for a poem.
Your title, rating and genres are appropriate.
With being a nurse I have seen all kinds of Drs and patients. I agree that people tend to want to blame others and are quick to sue..
Things have become commercialized and I have worked in facilities that are very political.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Technically I found no errors. My opinion = Your poem flows good and the count is on, and I understand this is on important issues-medical/lawyers, but the poem feels almost emotionless.
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