Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
Your title and genres are good.
Your love for your child comes through very strong in this.
Suggestions/Errors:
Maybe expand a little more on your thoughts/feelings regarding motherhood.
I think I would change the static item...make this a prose instead of having it as a short story.
used to be that i'd be awake at
capitalize I'd
Watch your use of words that are just not needed.
ex;
In line three you could cut now, and in line five you could cut but.
Watch your repetition of words.
ex
You are irritated that you have only slept for three hours, that you had to literally drag yourself to an upright position and throw yourself out of bed and into your slippers. You want
(Very distracting.)
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your characters are very likable.
Your story goes really fast.
Your rating, title and genres are good.
I like the storyline you have, I just think it needs to be developed a bit more.
Suggestions/Errors:
You beginning is a little weird...I kept waiting for you to go back to this girl in the rain that made you think of the story you tell. What happened with her...?
Watch your tenses throughout...you go from past to present.
Even as you go back to tell the past story...at times you tell it in present tense.
You might want to put the story that you are remembering in italics for less confusion.
There is a lot of errors with your wording and the grammar~I think you need a really good edit on this.
Here are a few things I noticed:
She is starring at an image assembling an angel
staring
on her slim shoulders, but she got a boyfriend named Jed
try
on her slim shoulders, but she has a boyfriend named Jed
The two of them got really drunk
try
The two got really drunk
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your title, rating and genes are good.
I like the way you start this with the one lone line...it makes the reader want to know more.
I also like your ending and how it ties it all together.
Suggestions/Errors:
Watch your repetition of words.
ex;
They danced as they had never danced before.
They swooped and twirled and dipped and glided.
They swooshed around the floor like skaters on ice
try;
They danced as they had never danced before.
They swooped, twirled, dipped and glided
around the floor like skaters on ice
- arns, legs, muscle and sinew
typo
arms
I like the lines on the different scenarios of dancers..maybe break that up a little though it seems to run all together.
I would cut this line:
"And you?"
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
I like the title and repetition of it in your poem.
Neat way to look at life when it has you down.
Suggestions/Errors:
And all the things to be
Now withered and dead
A little confusing...maybe;
And all the things to be
Are now withered and dead
or
And all the things to be
Have withered and died
Add some genres.
Maybe add a little on what makes you feel like this.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Overall Impressions:
Your rating and genres are appropriate.
I hate storms too!!
I like the para on the tree.
Suggestions:
Your first two paras are kind of jumpy, maybe try and set the beginning up a little more. Maybe include a little more history. I think this would make your story more personal.
In line one, para one~~I would put a period after ~ I hate storms.
I think that makes more of an impact and will lead your reader to want to read more and find out why you hate storms.
My Overall impression:
I like your title and it fits well.
Your characters are likable and believable.
Suggestions/Errors:
Space after your dialog.
It's easier for your readers and it just looks better!
You could add two more genres.
Toward the end you say she massages his neck but then down a bit you say she has mud caked on her arms...
The ending fell a little short, I was waiting for something a bit more dramatic. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Overall Impressions:
Your rating, title and genres are good.
I love the examples you give on your feelings for this person.
They are very romantic.
Suggestions
I'd remove the comma in line one and in line three.
I'd put a period in line two.
(This would be for stanza one and two. I think this way lets your thoughts flow together better.)
I want to know more about your feelings for this person.
Maybe expand and include some specific details about them.
Keep writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Overall Impressions:
Your title, rating and genres are good.
I like your thoughts on the heart and staying young on the inside.
I like the ways that you show how to stay young.
Especially the line on talking to the man in the moon!
Suggestions
You have one period at the end/ I'd suggest closing a few more of your thoughts.
You could add a period at the end of line four, nine and 12.
Keep writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My Overall impression:
Very sad poem on a fallen love.
You capture the relationship, the circumstances and the ending
all well with your poem.
It tells the story well.
Your rating, title and genres are all appropriate.
Suggestions/Errors:
You could maybe have a more creative title, to help draw your readers in.
suggestions from your poem;
Dreams to Ashes
Slip Away
Unfit Souls
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/tm_lvn_nurse/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.59 seconds at 1:28pm on Apr 27, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Suggestions:
