Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
Your rating, title and genres are appropriate.
Pretty poem, your words just flow together very well.
You paint a beautiful night for your readers in stanza one.
In stanza two you show yourself writing under the stars.
What a great place to be writing and getting inspiration from nature.
Your ending shows you becoming vulnerable and letting go.
I love the line on digging your toes into the sand.
Lines like that make the poem believable.
Your image for this is pretty.
my favorite part:
'Gliding through time on a pencil
and tracing over memories I've stenciled
Thanks for sharing.
I think your readers will identify with these thoughts/feelings that you share with us.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing! Reviewed by
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My Overall impression:
Your rating, title and genres are effective.
Great poem and it holds such a big message.
I love your ending, the last line with the two sentences is very effective.
That break up of the sentences with the question at the end~is very dramatic.
You capture a tragic part of nature very well.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing! Reviewed by
tammy
My Overall impression:
Your rating, title and genres are appropriate.
Your character is likable.
Your story is believable~I just think it needs to be developed a bit more.
Suggestions/Errors:
You really leave your readers hanging with this.
It doesn't feel quite finished.
Maybe expand a little on the ending.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing! Reviewed by
Tammy
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Your rating, title and genres are appropriate.
I love the humor/word-play you show with the introduction.
Your rhymes are good.
I like the last stanza on her being your queen the best.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
This could easily be an image~shape poem with a little adjusting of a few of the lines and this could look like an hourglass!
In the last stanza, I keep stumbling over the first two lines...maybe a comma after rough in th first line.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Your rating, title and genres are appropriate.
favorite parts:
I love the line on dreaming.
I usually don't like repetition like that but in this it works well.
I really like how you present this with the stanzas on the opposite side
and the italics for the thinking parts.
Very creative.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
In line three you have o'er, but don't use that type of language any where else.
I'd change that to over.
I was I am I will
I'd change this to
I was- I am- I will
This will give the breaks needed and will also compliment the above stanza that you have like this.
In stanza four you have one period after paper, I'd remove that since it is the only ending punctuation that you have.
Thanks for entering your poem in"Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Pretty title.
I like that you include what inspired you to write this.
I always enjoy hearing what inspire others.
favorite lines:
'Like an old friend
Glowing its smile upon me'
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
You have punctuation in the last line but no where else.
I'd suggest removing it or adding more punctuation where needed.
In both lines two and three you have a sunset..I'd change this to break up the repetition there.
I would make it in a sunset
A sunset closing on a day of wonder
try
I would make it in a sunset
closing on a day of wonder
or
I would make it in a sunset
One closing on a day of wonder
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Your rating, title and genres are appropriate.
I like the parallel between nature and a book.
The growing relationship, like the growing tree.
I like that you include the details of the friendship, the conversation etc.
Your rhymes work well and you have some unique ones.
The poem flows well.
My favorite stanza is number six.
favorite lines:
'Which will broaden up the tree,
That was but a seed before.'
Thanks for entering your poem in"Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I love the ending for this and the way you have it in italics.
Great image that you include.
Your rating, title and genres are appropriate.
What a poem full of beauty and imagery.
Your pride for this comes through very strong.
I love the presentation of the stanzas they are like a flowing, winding river!
Overall Impressions:
Your title, rating and genres are appropriate.
I was beginning to doubt the mom not waking up...until I got to the end there.
You keep the suspense very well for the readers.
Suggestions:
Only one, I think it would be more effective and believable if you make the abuse a bit worse...that way your reader could believe that the girl would go to such extremes.
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
Your title, rating and genres are appropriate.
Very unique poem!!
I like it.
You use just the right statements together to get your points/feelings across.
Suggestions/Errors:
In the author's note you have:
All line make 2 statements except for the line in the very center of the poem, which make only 2,
I think the second 2 should be one.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing! Reviewed by
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My Overall impression:
Your rating, title and genres are appropriate.
I really enjoyed your story.
Your story was a bit insightful for me.
This reminds me of me.
It's really close to a part of my life story.
I too got a butterfly tattoo when I left my ex, who was a lot like the father you describe....
We have two kids and I wonder if either one of them felt any of what you described.
In the end, after you have aged I see you get the real meaning of your Mom and probably exactly what her thoughts and actions were at the time.
I've always felt a bit guilty of breaking up the 'family,' even though I knew it was the best thing I could do for my kids. I hope one day they are as insightful as you have become with age.
Thanks for sharing a part of you with your readers.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing! Reviewed by
My Overall impression:
Your descriptions in stanza one are good.
Your title and rating are appropriate.
Suggestions/Errors:
Add some genres.
Experience, nature, and personal would fit.
very awkward:
I sit on the rooftop
verandah
And look out over
try
I sit on the rooftop
verandah
And looked out over
or
I sit on the rooftop
looking out over
Maybe expand a little on your feelings regarding the trees being cut down.
There is no emotions in your poem.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing! Reviewed by Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your title, rating and genres are appropriate.
Your poem tells a story which goes full circle.
Great ending.
This reminds me of a quote about happiness. I can't remember the exact saying but it basically says happiness is like a butterfly~as long as you chase it it will elude you but if you stop chasing it it will come and rest on your shoulder!
Suggestions/Errors:
I few of the rhymes seem forced.
ex;
stanza four exact/back
Not sure why you have Love capitalized in a few spots?
I think you could cut and in line six.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your rating and genres are appropriate.
Coming from a very small Texas town..I can easily identify with your thoughts here.
Suggestions/Errors:
In the title I would change a to an.
You start off having every line capitalized...then you have the ending lines not capitalized. I'd do the same throughout.
I'd work on the overall read/flow of this.
It's a little awkward in places, like you are missing some words or something.
ex;
Sitting judging me before I could begin
this is awkward maybe
You sit judging me before I could begin
or
As you sit judging me before I could begin
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
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