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 |   My journey through (and beyond) the valley with Cancer as my companion. |
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Dear Friend: This is not a Blog about writing! (I already have one of those.) This is a blog about a journey I am taking with illness. I have recently been diagnosed with Cancer. My goal is honest therapy as I progress through, and beyond this new reality in my life. I hope that, somewhere along the way you will find some words that will help you too. While this is, in fact, an interactive Blog, I hope that you will scroll slowly down this page. For you see, the front of this Blog IS my journey. The entries are conversations that are held along the journey.Yes, there is a lot on it--before actually getting to the Blog entries. But, I hope that by the objects and words which appear before the Blog itself, you might come to understand just a little bit about me, and my journey, and some truly amazing friends who have agreed to journey with me. I hope that you, too, will choose to accompany me on my walk--through the Valley. I invite you to join me, and discover the wondrous truths, meet some truly amazing people, and share those "memorable" moments this journey will undoubtedly present. Come along, won't you? In His Care, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Would you like to help me help others? I found this amazing organization, and I am proud to be a sponsor. I hope you will check it out. It's called The Network For Good.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "RISUS OMNIA - INCRUMENTUS PER DEDECUS - SAPIENTIA PER DAMNUM" ("Every thing is funny - Growth through humiliation - Wisdom through loss") ~Leunig~ The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse. ~Helen Keller~ "If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people." ~Virginia Woolf~ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "There is strength in truth." ~The Barton Family Crest~ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” — Helen Keller, American social activist, public speaker and author (1880-1968) I have moved the list of my thanks for those who have helped to make this little Blog so very special. I hope that you will take a moment to read the list, growing every day, and let these fellow travellers along this journey know that you appreciate the contributions they make to our walk together.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Please feel free to click on the Blog Rings icon below to be transported to some of the very best of the Best Bloggers around WDC. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you are new to WDC, or to our Blogging community, I highly recommend the monthly edition of "The Blogville News". Feel free to click below, and let Scarlett   know that a Blogger sent ya!Hey! We've started a Christian's Blog Ring on WDC. Click on the logo, and join us! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Budroe
 Ring LeaderI have three publications at the moment. Here is a link to purchase my latest one. Buy a great read, and help a fellow writer out, Okay?  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I have always been a loving, trusting person. Because of some rather tortorous life circumstances, I have changed. Where I was raised to always respect and trust everyone I met, until given reason not to, this illness has changed both of those things. I, having become someone I still rail against whenever possible do not automatically extend either respect OR trust to anyone. One of the most important realities to those called to this journey is that you must first consider and protect yourself. Doubt others, and especially their intentions. Respect comes rarely, and only after what most "normal" people would consider to be unnecessarily long, involved "tests", all of which must be passed without error. Soon, it will be more than five years that I have been on this particular journey. That's a long time. It's even longer, given that my original diagnosis included an 18 month prognosis of life, regardless of the treatments given. In the process, I have changed. I don't like it. I know that, for myself, it is absolutely necessary for my long-term safety, security, and peace. It is a necessary condition of my condition. These changes also represent to me more sacrifice to the illnesses which assault me. It is not naivete that I talk about. I have just always trusted everyone, until they give me reason not to. They have. I don't. This is a sad reality for me to deal with, because I don't like such people, actually. Gven the natural extension, I don't like that reality of myself. I don't like me. Respect is my nature. I was taught, and raised with the expectation that I would respect all those whom I met or knew. To do so was to honor my family and myself. If you wish it, give it. "Sir" or "Maam" is everyone's last name in my world. It's how I was raised. I agree with the principle, and have found through my life that such beliefs, when transferred into life actions, have given me honor and respect in return. But that respect has been won, and earned in my life. Others, for their own reasons, chose to attempt to take those victories away from me, for no reason other than that I had them. That created a danger for them, to be sure. I discovered that those whom I had given respect had never been worthy of it. Using me for their purposes (or not) presented a very difficult position for me. It was a fallback position that I never wanted, yet was forced to realize. Having survived with that belief as a casualty does not necessarily please me, because I feel less for having had to sacrifice the notion of respecting others and myself. I don't like those who do not. I do not like this in myself. The biggest revelation for me on this journey has been a false fear. Follow me here, it gets convoluted. It matters. I fought with all my ability not to become an unloveable person for a long time. I have known such self-centered people in life, and have just chosen not to interact with them. I certainly counseled my fair share. I understand how people become unloveable, and can even empathize with them most of the time, while neither subscribing to, nor condoning these choices. But, this journey changes you. Both as a "patient", and as a loving care giver to those called to this journey, it takes Herculean effort not to become unloveable. At some point, most people do finally submit, because their life energies must be re-directed to other, and more important considerations. But that is not, you see, the reality that has recently come bounding into my existence. I have become unloving. I have every reason to love a lot of people in my world. These heroes selflessly give of their time, their talent, and definitely their treasure for nothing more than my benefit. I don't believe I am "owed" anything, by anyone. My successive losses of my independence have really beaten my armor, to be honest. I will also admit that there are more than rare moments when I just simply wish the battle would be over. That is normal, usual, for others. Not for me. I flinch too easily now. There is always some "other" reason behind most things. The problems of life continue because I remain alive. I have never shirked my obligations to address, and overcome any problem life has presented to me. This, however, is well above my pay grade. I have every opportunity to love, yet I do not. I have every reason to celebrate the victories of life. I don't. Not in a while now. Finally, the other day, it hit me. I have become, somehow, and unloving person. You cannot give away what you do not possess. Is this a necessary casualty of the journey? I've surely seen my share of people who have realized this new part of their journey, I just never in a million years expected that I would ever be one of them. Loving people, my life, and my world have defined my life. I could not imagine not having love in my life. But, over the course of the past years, every lovable thing of my life has left my life. New, and extremely loving people have entered my life, accepting me for who and what I am (or, sadly, what they think I am) in bunches. Love flows to me in an amazing measure--as a person. Yet, I do not feel it, nor appreciate it; I don't acknowledge or return it. What is this about? I am flabbergasted, disappointed, saddened, yet cannot find the string to pull that will change this new reality. I feel lost within the me that I have somehow become. I find myself cringing when people try to love me, yet I do not know why. I know it happens, many times, to those called to this journey. Yet, I cannot accept this of myself, and surely not now, when so many ask so little of me--except respect, trust, and love. Without them, I cannot imagine a life worth living. That doesn't scare me, but the depth of the truth it holds within my current day existence scares me spitless. I can do nothing to change this reality until first I accept it. Honestly, I must somehow, somewhere admit to myself that this IS my current reality. I don't know who to tell, or how to tell it. I cannot tell those at hand. Not only will they not understand it, but they will be hurt by hearing it. I am looking at the possibility of therapy, but so much for so little doesn't really appeal to me. I cannot accept it. I don't know if I can change it. I cannot imagine living the remaining days of my life as a completely unloving person. Inside my skin these days is not a very good place to be living. It's a transitional change in my life, and I hate it. I hate myself for it, yet feel as much a victim as those who fail to receive even the most minimal acknowledgement of the love they so selflessly give to me. I know the drugs have become my anchor, and my lifeline. Without them, I would die, and the whole team agrees on that point. Treatments, even the most non-invasive, become dire threats to me. I neither trust nor respect those working to save my life. Perhaps these feelings come to me because, as I view my life these days, it is not a life worthy of saving. It surely is not a life worth living, I know that. I just don't know what to do about it. I pray about it. Now, I have written about it, and it will forever "be there" for those who would celebrate my leaving with utter joy. Yes, friends, I know who you are. So, if I can still feel such pain, why can I not feel love? Why can I not give my deepest love to those who, not asking, deserve it in such measure? When you are called to this journey, you will face such questions as this. Life experiences, training, and job qualifications do not work here. Self-therapy fails here. I just don't like me much right now. Surgery (Heart and Neck) are on the immediate horizon, and my mental state is not conducive to healing. I am not yet ready to become my own worst victim. Yet, in this vast open ocean of doubt and confusion, I can find no rudder. I have to hang on to the grass to keep from simply falling off the planet. This is a very dark and unfriendly, unloving place. And, to my great surprise I can find no map. |
| In the past couple of weeks, I have been rather busy, in a medical sense. It has taken a while to get access, now I am in full gear. I am blessed to have the care available to me that I have. It really IS top level. For the time I had to wait on Medicaid and Tenn Care (state medicaid, home services, etc.) to kick in, my health was covered with prayerful medical attention by The Hope Clinic of Middle Tennessee, who provides faith-based medical care to those without insurance. Sara, my friend and fellow wdc member Budroesgirl is the Administrator of this most amazing place. Coming here from Southern Illinois required me to "give up" my medical assistance, but it was thought that I would be better for it. I was told that there was no way to receive the needed services here, until one person (a Pharmacist, actually) told me I had been given erroneous information, and should make contact with one specific person. I did. He was correct, and the help literally began flowing to me in waves. Home care was almost immediate, while medical assistance was being lined up. The care began with getting me the medicines I was without through the Hope Clinic. That transferred to my new Primary Physician, who immediately wrote prescriptions that were immediately filled, and covered (no cost to me). I gave my new Doc time to read the history. He was not overwhelmed, but he was aware of the multiple concerns that my care would require. He didn't flinch, and that alone told me (and should tell you) all I needed to know about him. He started "farming out" my care to specialists. I am currently in the middle of his referrals. I have had update tests by the gut load. I had, last week a chemical stress test which I dreamed I would not survive. I did. My heart is working, but enlarging. This was a predictable reality, based upon the primary problem. My Doctor at Hope Clinic had diagnosed a particular problem with arteries around my heart not working correctly. It's called Sub-Clavian Steal Syndrome (SSS). I will have tests this week and next to address that issue. A Podiatrist has prescribed Diabetic needs (shoes, socks, etc.), and I will see an Ophthalmology Diabetic specialist for my eye problems. Another visit to the Cardiologist this week will recap the results of the visit to the Vascular Surgeon and the diagnostic tests. A CTA has been scheduled for next week, as well. This is an Angiographic exam to try to determine the best corrective course for the SSS. There is an occlusion which has been determined to be...you guessed it, blood clots. My particular flavor is true SSS. You can find more about it here . The preferred treatment is either implant of a stint, through re-attachment of the Vertebral Artery that feeds the brain to another part of the Circle of Willis , or an Endarterectomy, which is physically bypassing the affected area and re-attachment of the Vertebral Artery. The CTA will determine the best option for my particular condition. I will have plenty of people close at hand who will advise me of the best course of treatment, given the challenges of surgery, anesthesia, etc. I am also being looked at by an Endocrinologist to remove my Thyroid and a possible attempt to remove the bilateral Parotid tumors. The Diabetes is still out of control, but we are working on that. It's a primary concern, as well, and especially in light of the other conditions. The blood clots are still rampant, and the Coumadin therapy continues to be a regular issue. Having had no medical care, to a care team that is determined to give me my life back has been further steps on the journey. It has been a time since such caring and dedicated people have been single-minded in their focus on the quality of my life. I have been weak, yet have found a true friend who has weathered the storms of my doubt, pain, depression, and anger. In this time, I have brought sadness to others by my weaknesses, and hope I have brought some support, security, hope and joy through the triumphs along the recent steps. Now, there is a path that could lead to...life. I don't know about that, yet. I have learned some things about myself in recent weeks and months that I really just do not understand, and absolutely do not like. I will tell you about those next time. I just wanted to update the record. I am okay. I am two minutes from a regional medical center. Food, drugs, and home care come to me. My appeal to the Social Security Appeals Board is actually good news. The determination of the Board has been overturned, and found in my favor...sort of. A new hearing has been ordered. It may not happen, as the receiving ALJ could determine to agree with the Appeals Board, and award my requested date of onset as being October 28th, 2006. That would help. In the midst of all this, life happens every day. I am a major stumbling block to my own happiness right now. As you might understand (which is why this is written), this journey can bring the unexpected in good and bad terms. How we choose (if permitted) to deal with these things is what really matters. I will admit that I have not done my part with either, and have taken to living more by default than by decision. I have seriously hurt those who would care about and for me. I have to accept that much of that reality comes from the illness itself. But, I have great remorse for the acts themselves, regardless of the causation. I know this is not unusual for those on this journey, yet feeling the reality of it in my own living does me not the first bit of good. The purpose of this journal is personal, it is about me. But, it's not. Yet there are times when I must just be a patient. Why all the links? Why all the info, Bud? Feel like an info dump, much? No. I wish I didn't have to write this at all. Somewhere, there is a person who may just read these words, and appreciate the truths they hold. Sometimes, life on this journey just plain "sucks". My friend, Scott Peck, tells us in his amazing book, "The Road Less Traveled" that the problems of life are the problems of life. This is a personal reflection of some of the problems those called upon this journey must experience. How we deal with them is the telling matter. Self-control flies out the window at the most inappropriate times. Self-discipline, and the necessary delay of gratification in even the most simple things can cause great stress on the patient. The self-image can suffer greatly on this journey. When you find yourself alone, without help, it can really change who you are becoming. That has happened to me, and I really don't like it one bit. I can't find who I am these days. There is a terror there that no person should have to face alone, or without at least a rope of hope. I would tell you that this is a part of the journey, friend. It is a necessary part, for that is where God is. My Dad is so very close to me in these days. He will be close to you in your dark days, too. That's not what He does. That's who He is. More as it develops. It will develop, and there will be a sunrise tomorrow. I desperately hope to see it, every day. Live with that close to your heart, and today will care for itself. No matter what. |
| It's been a while, my friends. As I threatened to do, I took a complete month off from writing. It was strongly recommended. It made good sense. It helped, but it also deprived me of some therapeutic value, and contact with my online, and wdc friends. I have missed you all, and am pleased to say that I am not much worse for wear. I survived the hiatus, and found some necessary stress reduction, peace and rest in the process. I am back, as of today, and will be catching up on a lot of things. I will report on current medical goings-on as well--yes, there are some. Two surgeries being contemplated. Many doctor appointments this month and a couple of decisions that must be made which will have significant impact on my life over the next few months. All tolled, I am okay. I hope this finds each of you safe, well, and very happy in your lives, and in your living. We'll get this ball rolling again, but we'll do it with a slow start. The journey is ongoing, and the shadows are again before me. But, I am doing alright. I thank you for your kind words, your care, and your continued presence with me. Stay well. Remember who, and whose you are, pray without ceasing for one another (and for me, too!) and know that those things that trouble you today came--to pass. Until next we meet, I remain faithfully, In His Care. Budroe |
| I received a note in my inbox from a dear friend, blainecindy. She has a contest going.
I'm a veteran, and have served far away from home in time of war. I know the feeling of having no mail during mail call, the "most important" part of any day. This is a great possibility for those who are feeling that sadness today, and if for no other reason, I fully support it. I hope you will, too. This is an opportunity for multiple blessings. Writing a soldier can begin a lifelong friendship. You are blessing a stranger by writing about the usual things of life, and the fact you write them is your proclamation of your gratitude and pride for their service to their country, for the heroism they display every day. Telling them the Iris is blooming is a bittersweet moment, because not only can a soldier smell them, but they wish to touch them with someone they love. You are blessed because you know you have done a good thing. Others are blessed, because your small "stone" makes an ever-widening ripple in the lake of good things done. Our blessings received, multiply to and through us to others, even a distant stranger. If you really NEED to feel good today, you should participate in this contest. |
| Sara is ill. Although she would never know this from me, her being sick unhinges my entire world. I know she is human, because she has a belly button. Besides that, she never shows it. She has cared for me for nearly three years now, and just does not fail. She has paid dearly in terms of finances, and time, and the resources of her family. Much of the time, she does not receive the appreciation and gratefulness she deserves. From time to time it wears us all out. My care requires a lot of intense activity by others. One of the greatest gifts of my homecare worker is that Sara gets a break from many of the mundane but necessary things needed to give my life some sense of quality. She also has to deal with my long days at the computer. She helps me with my finances, keeping my bills in order. She keeps my prescriptions current and filled, even retrieving them at times for me. She does a lot. She does way more than a lot, and she often conscripts others to help her help me. When she gets ill, and there is nothing I can do to help her, it makes me crazy in my soul. She is my friend. I pray for her today. I know Dad loves her so very much, even though there are many times when I cannot love her sufficiently as her friend to make much difference. In this, I am my own worst enemy. She asks nothing, yet gives so very much. She sees the very worst of me every day, it seems. She deserves it least. Feeling that there is one someone on this planet who can survive my worst does nothing but show me regularly just what my worst really is. Believe me, it's bad. To say I have anger issues would be a gross understatement. I have become a bit agorophobic. I love my home, which has been mostly provided by Sara and her family. I love being here, living here. I am constantly in fear that something will happen to take that away. If my illness proceeds at too fast a pace, I won't be able to survive here. Living in fear ain't pretty, neighbor. These days, I am experiencing the beginnings of separation anxiety from my fellow adventurers. In only three days, The Annual Lenten Adventure: 2011 Edition! will be concluded. The adventurers have become very, very special to me. They signed on for a journey that has become so very important to us all. Yet, now it is time for us to depart on our own journeys. That is hard for us all, and very difficult for each of us, for our own reasons. Yet, we have learned, shared, and grown so much as we traveled together, that only Praise can come from my heart for having experienced this time. Conflicted, much? Perhaps. It is difficult to conclude such a life-changing event. I write today the final Worship Service for the Adventure. I await the words to come into my spirit, and dread them at the same time. I will, as always, get close enough to Dad to do His will for the things yet to come. With His grace, I will do His will here. The Adventure team has performed so exceptionally well on this long trip. My friends Winnie Kay  and johnny1209 have supported the adventure, the adventurers, and me in ways that exceed my comprehension. At the same time, they have each experienced the adventure, doing double duty. Yet, they have only brought kindness, support, encouragement and love to the task. As adventurers, they have truly embraced the essence of the journey. It has been difficult for each of them, for different reasons. Yet, they persevere; they endure. Not only have they been my rock, they have been my example. They are not alone in this. The adventure has brought together writers from our community into a cohesive group of loving, caring, and seriously brave individuals. Each has brought unique perspective to our journey that has blessed us all. I am just so very proud of every single participant. I want them to know it, but I am not certain how to do that...yet. I'll work on it. I have committed to myself, my editor, and my friends that I will take the month of May off from writing anything except this blog, and email. Other urgent needs vie for my attention, and call me to commit my full resources to them. I have significant fears regarding my medical condition, status, and future. I feel personally attacked by strangers in a far away place, who would take that away from me for nothing more than political purposes. I cannot, in all conscience, stand by and allow others to know this fear--or to realize the validity of it. All around us, there are those who just make me want to ask: "Are you freakin' nuts?" They would swear they are not, that the positions they hold are completely legitimate. But, they aren't. I cannot remain still, and I will not remain silent. But, that is for tomorrow: June will be soon enough. I must reclaim myself after the adventure. I must rest. I must create a new relationship with a new Primary Care Physician, part of the blessings of now having insurance sufficient to allow it. I am noticing more and more the effects of the illnesses which make me a patient. I have survived another Winter. This should be a major victory, yet new fears replace the old ones. Now, strangers would insure my death by taking away from me, someone they do not know, my ability to live. While I am nowhere near as good a picture of what they intend to do, I am one. I will not go quietly. Yet, each day, I do remain, in His Care. |
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Until next we meet, I remain faithfully, In His Care. Budroe |
| In my life today, this Saturday is, among them all, the longest. It was many years ago now that I had a friend tell me they were going to the "Saturday Vigil" service at their church. I had no idea what they were talking about. They were Catholic, as it happens, and I had never heard of such a thing. They patiently explained the idea of the Saturday Vigil, and it's importance to their personal faith. It boiled down to this: If there is no Friday, there could be no Sunday. The purpose of Saturday is to fully comprehend the final act of Jesus during his earthly ministry as man. His arrest, trial, punishment, and crucifixion. Unless we can fully experience this truth, Sunday holds less for us. But, if we do, Easter Sunday means more than we could ever hope to imagine. I learned this at a most important time of my life, and my life has been so much better because of it. I did not know at the time, but now I do know that, because of Easter Sunday I can know of the hope of eternity for those loved ones I have loved and lost. I can even know, without doubt, that my own forever has been assured. My Christian faith has become so much fuller because of this truth that I can even deal with the things this journey requires of me. Well, most of the time, anyway. The strength we who are called to this journey must, every day, call upon can be so greatly replenished because of this day. The Annual Lenten Adventure: 2011 Edition! "Let Lent Live!" is proceeding one week ahead of schedule--for a specific reason that I hope and pray will be fully realized for all the adventurers this year, myself included. But, that includes Vigil Saturday. The more fully I can appreciate what it surely must have felt like on that first Friday before Easter, and force myself to study, pray and consider on Saturday the realities the Cross brings to the dramatic panorama of the Lenten season, the more exuberantly I can celebrate that day which follows it. Strength for the journey comes from many people and places. This one, however is completely personal. For me, the strength comes from understanding the costs, the loss, the confusion, and the danger this day represents. That I "get" to experience it early (or twice) this year is a blessing to me. Today was a very busy day in my life. For only the second time in my time here, I ventured out of the house alone to attend a meeting with President Obama's senior campaign staff. I had to go to Nashville, find my way to the address, last through the six hours of meetings, and find my way back home again. (I got lost on the way home, extending my absence from my safe place by more than one hour! And, I had people waiting on me!) I won't get lost THAT way again, because of the experience I had today. I felt lost, too. I'd never been where I was before. I felt victorious when I correctly navigated my way safely home again. The Winter is over. The adventure nears it's conclusion. I have purposed for myself that I will take the entire month of May off from writing new words, save reviews and this blog on WDC. I need it, my body demands it, and my friends are begging for it. Tacky, but effective! I am paying for it tonight, with pains in every pore. There are pains, too of the soul this day. But, because of the hope shared by those who care most, friends who support, encourage and love me, and the sure and certain knowledge of what comes on Resurrection Sunday, my energy level is seeing a sure increase, and I am willing to at least attempt such insanity as today's adventure provided. Yes, it was a very long Saturday, indeed. But, Sunday has come. I'm sleeping in! I hope you do, too! Or, find a church and celebrate the joy of the triumphant entry of Jesus, the man of Nazareth, into the city of Jerusalem as his believers, followers and "hangers-on" welcome him with Palm Fronds. It will change your day. It might change your life. Until next we meet, I remain faithfully, In His Care. Budroe |
| Today represents one of those difficult days on this journey. I so wish it were otherwise. I am holding up well, so no concerns there. At least, no new medical issues stand before me. My mind is a littered minefield. In what may well be the last grand assault of SAD for this season, the depression is upon me. I have noticed in my life that, the more my passions are raised about things that matter, the greater the depression that comes with them. I see things happening within the Congress, and my blood boils to the point that I purposely seek out the Obama campaign to volunteer my expertise, my service. Been there. Done that. Yet, the absolute hypocrisy I see leads me to feel it insufficient to sit by, or even let my words speak for me. The reality that I can't really DO anything not only paralyzes me with the realization that I cannot do as I once did, but causes a dark cloud to descend upon my peace. This is but one of the elephants in my brain these days. I cannot seem to get a handle on anything of value or importance to me these days. Except, of course, a downward spiral. I will find my way back. I will help. I will believe. And, as much as I possibly can, I will "Be IN!", Mr. President. Until next we meet, I remain faithfully, In His Care. Budroe |
| Well, I think that says it all. My Healthcare Worker, who has been with me from the beginning of my new life in Tennessee, is leaving me this week. I met her replacement today. It's a shock, and some grief. The woman helping me has been really, really good to, and for me. She is going to be sorely missed. She got a better job, and I am happy for her. But, I mean.... Kentucky lost the second game of the Final Four. I hung the Black crepe paper, and have been in a pure funk since. I watched UConn (who beat the Kats) win the National Championship Final game tonight. It was the worst game of college basketball I have seen since UK beat Cincinnatti by 1, with 11 points. I'm happy for the winners, but Butler had a real fantastic season, too. The Kats did much better than expected, over the season. They just simply should have won the UConn game. UConn didn't win, in my personal view. The Kats lost-huge! But, congratulations on a wonderful season, UK. A special shout out goes to Coach Cal, who got submarined by the press the day of the game. Yahoo stinks! Rain, gray days, and it just stays depressing. Although (and I know this sounds very strange) it was a thrill to actually bust out in a weather-related sweat again. It's been a very long time. There is the promises of Spring everywhere. Trees are budding, flowers are blooming, and the grass has already been cut! Yep, it's time for the floods. Halfway through, the Annual Lenten Adventure is doing remarkably well. I am very grateful, and completely proud of the adventurers for this event. Things are happening that could not be produced or created by mankind. It's awesome! Way ta go, DAD! While the group is "in" the adventure, I have discovered that I can hardly run the adventure well, and participate fully within my character. Members of the adventure have come alongside, willing to serve as part of the Adventure team. What a blessing! Thank you! More may come along as the remaining weeks, until April 24th comes. Fifty days, with work required every day. That's just huge! I did contemplate (and even write) a very brief, seven day adventure. I may set that up next time, I don't know. It will depend on my health, the number of adventurers, and the rolling out of Dad's plan. I am proud to say that I had a phone conversation with President Obama this evening. The President rolled out his re-election campaign today. I am part of his re-election team this year. I will have to be extremely limited in my activities on that front for the next few months, but Tennessee is a state that should (MUST) go to him, in my view. I wish I could go full-tilt. I've done it before (several times, actually) and never once felt like I was over-doing anything. Now that is not true. I'm putting on the brakes, and there are others that are stomping on the same pedal. We'll see. Books are the summer project. I am pretty sure I will take from April 25th through the month of May off. No words, no edits, no new anything. I'll weigh and consider, then decide priorities and do those things. As I can. I truly hate having to say that. It's not much fun admitting it to myself, or to you, dear reader. I've (thanks to so many, but most of all to Sara) been able to improve my health condition to some degree. I know it's a bubble, but I will ride it as long as possible, get as much done as possible, and enjoy the journey while I can. How to use what I have been given by Dad is a primary concern. In the end, I'm following Him, no matter what. Until next we meet, I remain faithfully, In His Care. Budroe |
| Some 4 1/2 years ago, I was diagnosed with, among other things, Cancer. One of the first things that I did was refuse to tell certain people. They were family members. They were ill, or dealing with those who were. I found it nearly impossible to say the words myself, much less let them come out of my mouth. My cousin, Annie B., long-time friends with the authors of the following, quietly hooked me up with them and their work: "The Cancer Crusade". I had heard for years of these people, but had no idea of their work. They became, and have been good friends ever since. They have taught me much. This article from their Newsletter was the first one I ever read. I regretted losing it. Today, I received it in my email. I am copying it verbatim here, in the hopes that you may find it useful. I thank Kathy and Roger Cauthon from the bottom of my heart for their work, their ministry, and most of all, their friendship to me as I have been on this journey. "Sometimes you feel other people's pain worse than your own. We're armored against our own troubles. We can't afford to give in to despair. Then you see someone else struggling, and it breaks your... heart. ~ Sean Stewart, Perfect Circle, 2004 ~ What do you say when you learn that someone you care about has cancer? What do you do? Is there any "right" way or "wrong" way to respond to the news? Most cancer survivors have stories to tell of comments and gestures made by friends and family members, some of which were hurtful and some of which were helpful. Based on those survivors' stories as well as our own experiences, we offer the following "do's" and "don't's". First the "don't's": 1. The worst thing you can say or do is to say or do nothing at all. Almost every survivor can tell of at least one person who, upon hearing the news, disappeared and was never heard from again. Maybe the fact that your friend or loved one has cancer is the worst news you've ever heard and you can't stand the thought of him being this sick. You don't know what to say or do, and it's too painful to see him without hair, and the house smells like a hospital, and, well, it's all so just so scary. We don't mean to be harsh here, but this really isn't about you. Stick around, please. Your loving presence alone can be the healing salve for a wounded, frightened spirit. 2. We know you mean well when you say, "God won't give you more than you can handle," but we wish you would listen to the implications in that comment and refrain from using it. It implies that God gave us cancer which inference often leads newly diagnosed patients to wonder if God is punishing them for something they did or failed to do, and that's the last thing we need to be worrying about right now. To clean up a popular phrase, stuff happens. People get cancer (1 in 3, in fact). People get lots of other awful diseases, too. Babies are born with defects. Long-distance runners have heart attacks. Brave men and women go to war and get killed. Supermen fall from horses, and maniacs fly airplanes into buildings. And, yes, many people do get more than they can handle as evidenced by suicide rates. We don't mean to step on anyone's religion here, but we refuse to believe God is the one causing all this mayhem, destruction and chaos. Conversely, we believe God grieves with us when these things happen, and He is there for us and with us in the treatment room, in the delivery room, on the racecourse, on the battlefield, in the emergency room, on the airplane and inside its target. Instead of telling us that God gave us cancer, tell us that God will be with us every step of the way. 3. Don't predict the future. Acknowledge the seriousness of the diagnosis without being morbid ("Oh, my God! My aunt had the very same thing and she died 8 months later!") and without being unrealistic ("You'll probably outlive me. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow!"). We don't know what's going to happen to us, and neither do you. Tell us happy stories of other long-term cancer survivors (but refrain from saying someone had "the very same thing"; no two cancer diagnoses are ever the same). Never, ever tell us stories with unhappy endings. Now for the "do's": 1.Things to say: "I'm here for you." "You can cry with me." "I love you." "I won't leave you." "Whatever you're feeling is okay." Just be there. Follow our lead. We'll let you know if we want to "talk about it," and if we do, please let us. Don't change the subject. When you don't allow us to talk about our disease, it makes us feelalone and isolated. 2.Things to do: Take my kids out for pizza and a movie or, better yet, for the weekend. Offer to pick up prescriptions, take the dog to the groomer and run other errands. Clip cartoons and funny pictures and send them in a card. Bring thoughtful gifts (a book or magazine, a tabletop fountain, a meditation tape or CD); avoid things with strong smells (bath sets, flowers, food, etc.) until you know how I'm reacting to my treatments. A special message for doctors and other medical professionals: We know there are no guarantees, but you can give us hope. Your patients ask you for hope in different ways. Some are subtle, and some are screaming. Remember that where there is life, there is hope, and remind us of that. Instead of just saying, "You have cancer, and it's very serious," say, "You have cancer. It's very serious, but once you get past the shock of this diagnosis, you are going to discover what a strong, resilient person you are. That strength and resilience partnered with our staff's knowledge, skill and experience are going to form a powerful team to fight this disease. We're going to do this together." Dear God, someone I love has cancer. I am so afraid for him, and I don't know what to say or do to ease his pain and fear. Help me today to become a true caregiver in every sense of the word. Let my mouth speak only words of comfort and hope. Let my hands lend warmth and strength. Let everything I say and do be helpful, not hurtful. Guide me, God, as I walk this path with my friend. Be a lamp unto our feet as the way is often dark, and bring us into Your healing light. Amen" One in three. Today, someone you know, or you will learn that there is a very large battle looming in your future. There is another "don't" that has become my own personal campaign. It's serious, and I mean it! Do not ever, EVER let these words come out of your mouth. Do not let anyone say them in your hearing without a strong, powerful and deeply held conviction. Do not EVER let anyone believe that it's true. "So and so lost their battle with Cancer!" NO THEY DIDN'T!! They fought bravely, valiantly, and most of the time by themselves. They endured tragedy caused by well-meaning others. They lived untold nightmares which would bring most other people to their knees. They never failed anything! They finished their journey well, and have now won the battle! DAMN! Are you serious? They have won their battle with Cancer. They had Cancer, but Cancer did NOT have them! They are heroes who deserve our honor, respect and admiration! They will receive the rewards reserved only for those who keep their faith, no matter what! They should be remembered that way, and when we come together to say our "good-byes" to them, we should do so with a sense of happiness, joy and celebration! They lived, and left WELL! People both good and bad get this diagnosis. Life has a way of leveling the playing field for us all. Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. But, we are all belly-button kids. When you take on this battle, your goodness or badness means nothing. If you fight this battle, you are a hero! You win the battle when you keep your person-hood about you, regardless of the outcome. Just stop saying it! Do NOT accept it being said in your hearing! I hope this will help you, just when you need it. Because of Kathy and Roger and their selfless work, it has helped me on my journey. The battle still rages. I'm doing okay. I have, once again, been blessed so very much by finding people who, in spite of me, care and love me very much. They give me care. They give me love, without expectation of return; yet accept my love and appreciation humbly. I try to honor those I have loved who have won their battles as I battle onward. I have had some pretty tremendous victories, and not a few defeats. I've lost friends who could not stay, who could not believe, or believe in me. I have faced friends-turned-enemies, and survived homelessness and vicious attacks upon my professional life. I'm still here. That makes some people terribly angry. Oh well! That is their battle to deal with, not mine. I am not a different person today than I was 4 1/2 years ago. But, I am a better person. Very little of that has to do with me. But some of it does. Look me in the face when you speak to me. Jesus does, and doesn't seem to be embarrassed by it. That's good enough for me. And yes, I do remain,In His Care, Budroe PS: To reach the Cawthons by email: cawthons@thecancercrusade.com To visit their amazing website: go here . |
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