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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| Rolanda showed back up today. The girl that lives in a tent at the park. It makes me smile inside and out when I can hand her a box of food to take back to her tent. She said someone gave them a hot plate so now they can cook. She looks better every time I see her. |
| “She power tripped your ass!” Justin’s strong rustic voice can still be heard in my head even 12 hours after his comment. I went down the list of my phone yesterday and just called away… I needed someone to talk to, anyone… I preferred Sheree… no answer… then Skittles… no answer… Ok, Greta, I’ll call her and tell her why I didn’t call in the morning and let her know my schedule isn’t fitting for morning conversations… she didn’t answer. So I call Ken… he answered, treated me like he didn’t have time for me, shitty and snappy. I let him go called Justin… Just in talk, I told him that I’m not so sure Greta and I are working out. Told him nothing more than “I don’t like the way she reacted when I reached out to her during a crisis. Mostly I don’t like that amends, closure, talking it out… hasn’t happened between us.” “She power tripped your ass didn’t she? Well, Jen if you got a resentment towards your sponsor I suggest you change sponsors.” How simple is that? He carried on in conversation but honestly, I was stuck on that one simple statement. “She Power tripped your ass.” It was like a confirmation. The message Greta left on my voicemail yesterday morning was pretty shitty. Her voice told me of her annoyance … she basically demanded to know why I hadn’t called her. After listening to her message during a smoke break from the meeting, a fleeting thought of “Fueling this woman’s power trip is not going to keep me sober. IN fact…it will do quite the opposite.” But the thought came and went… when Justin said what he said it was like a Word for me… I guess I just couldn’t put my finger on what it is about her that bothers me. I now realize that yeah, she APPEARS to be on a power trip. I don’t handle power hungry people very well. Thanks to dear ol’ Dad… He created in me a strong distaste for ego driven, power hungry folk. Sure, I could be friends with her. I can even talk to her about certain things… but when it comes down to critical stuff… I can’t trust her with my deep dark hidden hurts and fears. She can’t sponsor me. That’s that… So… this Kenneth dude… he is on my resentment list too! He was all about me over a week ago. Yesterday he treated me like I was a lost little dog. Why? Power trip!  I can only assume because Skittles went to a meeting with me last weekend and Kenneth was there. I assume it pissed Kenneth off… That’s cool because I never said I was interested in anything anyway. It just chaps my butt because I expected more out of a church going man… If I go sit in a garage does it make me a car? No… so I guess those that sit in the church every Sunday aren’t guaranteed to be nice good people either. Yeah, he treated me pretty shitty. Hey, but I’m still eating the chocolate he bought me on New Years Day! Skittles called a little bit ago and said my home PC is ready. I may be up and running again tonight, really either way is fine, it’s his sponsor that is building it for me. He hasn’t said anything about payment, so I really don’t know what’s up yet. They are supposed to call me during lunch. I’m really in no hurry… Through this experience with Greta I have learned a lot. I can still learn from her, but it’s my program and I know what works for me and what doesn’t. Sponsorship is critical. I have to go with what works. Greta isn’t a bad person. I do think she does her best, she said to me when she first took me on as a sponsee that sometimes we outgrow our sponsors, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. Either way… I have to go with what works for me. I’m not going to tell her anything just yet. I need to talk it over with Sheree, but my decision has been made, it’s just a matter of waiting for the right time to tell her. It WILL piss her off. It WILL hurt her ego. There no doubt about it, even though it shouldn’t… I have gotten to know her well enough to know that unfortunately it will. So… Suzanne… The girl that asked to move in with me. There is no way… shanelle   so cracked me up with her comment yesterday and it couldn’t be more true. Debi Wharton gave me a good out… I didn’t think about that but it’s an awesome reason… and it’s true. Even though, maybe in the past I would have let someone move in anyway but now that I’m living right and following the rules, it’s a darn good reason. Thanks! Still I’m going to help her find a place the best I can… just not my place. Last night, Skittles returned a call to me and I just went down the list with all my concerns. It’s as if he is sponsoring me and in reality he is. I didn’t mention any of these concerns to Greta. Actually, when we talk, it’s usually all about her. I noted last night that she never once asked how I was doing… our conversation was pretty much about her. Even though it may not sound like it in this entry, I’m doing better. Even though it may seem like I’m ragging on Greta… I’m not. I just know what works for me and what doesn’t. This is my recovery, my program, my life… One thing I see... Greta has made some of the same mistakes with me as I did with Sarah. I've learned from her what to do... and some of what not to do... It's all in the journey ... |
| Meetings are so stressful around here! Too many Chiefs and not enough Indians… so many personalities… I need to work on my speaking skills. I’m much better at writing what I think or feel than I am at speaking it. I care to much about what others think and really there is only one other than me that really matters what He thinks of me. I’ve been in a meeting since 8:30 this morning… even had lunch while in the meeting, it is now 4:30 and I am just now out of meetings. This would be a drinking day. I will surely make a meeting… Greta left me a voicemail wanting to know why I did not call her this morning. I will call her after work, before the meeting and let her know that morning phone calls do not fit in my schedule. 5AM is early enough for any human to get out of bed. I can no longer be late for work; I believe morning time with God overrides morning time with Greta. She will have to accommodate or not… it’s her choice. Suzanne called me just now asking if she could move in with me. Suzanne is a girl I have befriended at the AA meetings. I personally think she is a couple of French fries short of a happy meal but don’t tell her I said that. She needs a place to stay and she asked if I would be willing to let her stay at my place. My first inner response was HELL NO… but I didn’t verbalize that reaction… Good Jen. I told her I need time to think about it, talk to my sponsor about it, pray about it and I asked that she do the same. Told her I would call her with an answer in a few days. My apartment is a small one bedroom, it is almost unthinkable for two women to reside in my home, but still I am going to do what I told her I would and pray about her living arrangements along with her. Sheree is on vacation in Las Vegas, she will be back on Sunday. I think I will call her this afternoon and just see if she is having a good time. I need to hear her voice. I feel like I am an army of ONE… Up against A LOT of shit. Meetings SUCK… I owe some emails and I haven’t forgot! I’ve just been so busy… I’ll get with you soon. |
| http://www.oaoa.com/articles/texas_12429___article.html/hewitt_post.html The above link is Brent’s obituary. I’ll be driving to Post on Saturday for his funeral. Mom and Mike are going on Thursday. What more is there to say? Skittles is working on me a computer. He has a friend that is tearing down an old puter Sheree gave me and seeing if it can be repaired and updated. Skittles found me a monitor and other accessories through some friends of friends. My old computer is just too old; it’s not compatible with most equipment that can be found nowadays. I’m really not all that bothered by being computer less at home anymore. It bothered me a lot over the weekend but I’m adjusting. I’m doing a lot of reading. A lot of talking on the phone, getting a lot of quiet time in. I’m pretty eat up with the red ass, as evident by yesterday blog entry. I just don’t get over things easily and that’s ok. I’m a hell of a lot better at it then I use to be. My dad called my mom again last night. He apologized to her and asked her if I had cooled down any. She told him he would have to talk to me to find out about me. Way to go Mom! My dad has been putting my mother in the middle of every problem he has ever had for way too long. It’s not so much that I’m hung up on what happened between Greta and I. I just don’t think I can open up with her; really it’s that I don’t want to open up to her. However, some of your comments in yesterday’s blog made me think-- reconsider, possibly see my part. Grr… I’m so sick of seeing my part, I just want to be a bitch sometimes… Kidding! I got to Go! Meetings all day long! IT really was a big blow for me... I will not disregard that |
| The new lady that started last week turns out to be a fan of my mothers. My mom cared for her elderly parents. She was their visiting nurse for about 10 years. She started crying when I told her my mother’s name. She had much good to say about her. As my mother had much good to say about her and her family. Her name is Juanita. She is a redheaded woman, in her early 50’s I would guess. She has never been married, never had children. Seems she and I have much in common the more we talk and get to know each other. We instantly hit it off when she walked in to interview several months ago. I don’t know why our paths crossed and why there is such a connection but I know God has reasons for everything. Yesterday was a Yuk day for me. I laid my shades on the large bible that sits on my coffee table during my lunch hour and asked God to improve my outlook. That’s what it boiled down to, there was nothing terrible that happened, it’s just I’m a thinker and that is a dangerous thing at times. The bible on my coffee table was made in 1965; my Aunt Lucy left it to me after she died. It has a worn and weathered picture of Christ on its front cover, is something I will always cherish and will continue to be passed down through the generations of my family. I did some notebook writing last night about Greta. It’s good that I do these writings in private because some of you might feel it necessary to tell me that I shouldn’t feel that way and maybe I shouldn’t BUT it’s got to come out of me and recovery teaches that writing it out is the way to get it out. I’m still very resentful towards her. It comes and goes, it’s not on the front line of my thoughts but at times something she says or does will trigger the resentment and it kicks in full force and I start thinking ugly ugly thoughts. I guess I feel like she owes me an amend. I know it’s not my place to tell another when they should make an amend. And I would never tell her… but it is hindering my ability to work with her. “Girl, you need to get over yourself!” “You can’t hurt me.” She just had an issue in her life where she treated a store clerk like shit and threatened to go kick her ass because she wouldn’t turn on the gas pumps. Greta knows she was wrong, she has come clean about it and it takes a lot of balls to talk to a group of people and tell them you lost your cool with an Earth person. I guess it is something to be admired for her to come clean about her temper… but it triggered something in me as I heard her tell this story. She acted the very way she condemned me for acting ONLY difference is she did it with a complete stranger, I did it with a man that I have resented and hurt over for 30 years. I have forgiven her. I am over it, sure it pops back up in my thoughts at times and I remind myself that Greta is just another human being and she honestly did the best she could at the time. She reacted in a way many would have. She was caught off guard, shocked… I come across as a sweet, passive girl … she didn’t know me well enough at that time; she had never seen me lose my cool before. She even told me later that I had scared her. I understand, it caught her way off guard… but what I can’t get is that she hasn’t felt it necessary to talk it out with me. Maybe say something like: I know I didn’t react in the best way, I learned something right along with you. Something! Anything! All she has said is corrected me on the fact that I told her I was on Step Two, Not Step Nine which asks us to make amends to those we had harmed. In the heat of the moment I told her I wasn’t at STEP NINE, Amends yet~ … she felt it necessary to correct me on that later and also told me she has spent many years in counseling and she uses those techniques in her sponsoring. Uh… Hun… You don’t have the education to be counseling anyone! What she threw at me as I told her my frustrations and outburst towards and about my dad… “Way to Go! Now you get to make amends.” “You enjoy putting down God’s handiwork?” Every time I hear that handiwork statement from the Big Book, I get all pissed at her again. She took it totally out of context, anyway. So… what’s the point? I can rant on and on about how I feel she totally screwed up in handling that situation but that’s neither here nor there. I could be fine with it if it was a learning experience for us both, but somehow I get the impression that she feels as if I am not amend worthy. She spoke of having to make amends to the store clerk but she doesn’t feel it necessary to make amends with me. No, I am just expected to deal with it… Ok… I’m dealing with it… I can’t trust her with who I am. I can’t confide in her. I can’t let the walls down to her. I can’t talk to her about my dad. My dad called my mom about a week ago and told her he thought I was drunk when I talked to him on Christmas Day, he said all kinds of shit … when mom told me I was sent into another dimension of pissed off… I just can’t handle him… because I care to much and I’ve never been good at letting go but letting go is my only option here. It’s either let go of him or kill myself trying to have a relationship with him. I did not feel comfortable at all reaching out to Greta during this emotional storm. No, I kept it inside; I do not feel comfortable reaching out to her regarding anything that is critical to me. This is not good for a sponsor… sponsee relationship… I should be able to talk to her about anything. As I am able to with Sheree… You see, if I was a blank page, some of the things wouldn’t matter so much… but I have a year of recovery. I have an awesome sponsor with 18 years of sobriety. I realize now just how much Sheree has taught me simply by just watching how she lives her life. I feel as if Greta is emotionally unstable. Not just in a womanly way like I am… no I think there are some deeper issues with her, like possibly doctor diagnosed mental issues… I am so rambling but I think I have come to a conclusion. In the recovery world we speak of hiring and firing sponsors. We laugh about it but it is a serious matter. As a sponsor, you play a large role in the other person’s recovery. Just like in shoes, you have to find the right fit. I believe I will fire Greta as my sponsor. Of COURSE I’m not going to scream to her that she is fired, NO… I have to consider her recovery as well… But I do think I will tell her that our morning conversations are not working for me because I do have to be at work so early, I have to rush… she talks a lot and usually she ends up on this long winded story and I’m watching the clock and thumping myself in the head cause I’m going to be late to work again! So it’s true the morning conversations are not good for me. I will tell her it’s not working out for me and go from there… I also think its best that I stay in Sheree’s family so to speak. Sheree has sponsored woman for 18 years. She has sponsees that sponsor of course, and I think I will turn to one of them to work with me through the steps since Sheree is too busy. Greta is too harsh. I don’t do harsh well. I am much more responsive to gentleness and kindness. When someone gets up in my shit, I retaliate. If she had been right… it would be different, I would feel different now. If she had come back and tried to make amends instead of just blowing it off as if nothing happened, then I would feel different. I do think friendship is the way to go with Greta, not sponsorship. Honestly, she hasn’t got what I want. That’s just what it boils down too. Because I respect her recovery, I will not say these things to her… I will just simply tell her that the morning phone calls are not working for me. We will go from there… that will put the ball in her court. If she cares enough to rearrange her schedule for my needs then I might be wrong with my assumptions here. It’s hard once you have had the best to settle for anything less. Through this situation with Greta I realize that Sheree is like the best sponsor anyone could ask for. She fits me. I’m not throwing Greta out. I really hope that a friendship will continue between us, I just can’t trust her. I can’t let her in … I can’t open up to her. The unresolved issues of Christmas Day have harmed my recovery; she failed to put the principles before personalities. Anyway, now that I’ve confused the hell out of you and myself… I think I will do some work around here! I’ve given this some time; I’ve prayed about it, I’ve written about it. I’ve done all that Sheree suggested I do before making my decision. I’m still not set in stone about firing her but I do know that I just can’t reach out to her anymore. I’m not one to reach out as is… it’s hard for me to let others in and once I do and they burn me, real or imagined…. I just am never able to feel the same. Today this is how I feel… Today is where I’m living… |
| I’m officially in the black now. My home PC gave up the ghost last Thursday. I had some major withdrawals this weekend. It feels like my life line has been chopped off! I relied on my home pc for the weather, recipes, music, writing, journaling… ad infinite… this weekend I literally had physical and mental withdrawals. I think I will have to work the steps on the lost of my home PC. I’m not kidding… However, I have to tell you how much I accomplished at my home over the weekend. I see just how time wasting a computer can be. So… even though I am NOT happy about this one bit, I do know that this is ultimately going to be good for me. I’ve become addicted to WDC and now I have but no choice in keeping a private notebook journal, which actually will benefit me and my objective more so especially during such a critical time of my life. I planned on purchasing another computer. In fact, I almost MADE it happen over the weekend, I can make shit happen, I have a way of getting what I want… but I realized somewhere between my tit fits that there are so many books on my book shelves that I haven’t read. There are so many projects I said I would do that I haven’t done. I remembered how I sat in front of the computer screen hours upon hours instead of doing what I know I need to do for my recovery. So… Damn it… getting another PC is not on the top of my priority list at this time. Sure, I’m keeping my eye open. I’ve contacted a man in Midland that builds puters and he will be contacting me in a few days. A FEW DAYS!?! Yeah, a few days… My first thought was to go to Circuit City and buy one straight out, spend my last few dollars and get my life line back! But on my way to Midland I noticed my car was awfully wobbly. I pulled over at a tire shop to get them to check the air and dude says “Girl, You’re fixing to blow!” My two front tires are as bald as my step dads head. There went $160.00 right out of my pocket. Honestly, I had to think about it… Computer? Tires? Computer? Tires? No Tire = No Transportation… Hmm…. Ultimately the tires won out… damn it. It’s almost like fighting that first drink ya’ll! I’ll be sitting there watching tv, minding my own business and the urge will hit me… Go log on… check your email… what will the weather be like tomorrow? Hmm… wonder what I can learn about the Gettysburg Address… and THEN I have to say the serenity prayer… nope, no logging on for me. Hey, by the way… I’m trying to help my mom sale some of her cookbooks. They are really simple but healthy recipes and if you are interested in one, drop me an email with your physical address. She is asking $10 a book… either way we will work something out and I’ll mail you a book, you mail me some money or something… if you don’t have money and you want one, just email me… Any ideas on how to sale them, please ADVISE. My mom put a lot of time and effort into these books and there really is some awesome information for those of us that wish to be more health conscious. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This is a scanned image of the book. I suck at the scanning thing… but really, I poop you not. This book is well worth the $10 … Consider the source here! I’ve not pulled your leg before have I!?! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here is mom and Mike… Mom lost over 100 pounds by eating the recipes she has taken note of in this cookbook. There are also lots of good tips as to eating out and reading labels etc. Take care and if you don’t see me for a while, just know that I’m in furnace #2… |
| Brent died today. Mom says Mike hasn’t cried. He just itches a lot when he is nervous, she says today he is itching away, every now and then he let’s out a sigh and says, “oh shit…” They will be bringing him back to this area for burial, actually I think she is going to have him cremated. Most likely he will be put to rest in Post, Texas which is right outside of Lubbock. It is where his mother is buried. I’ve been painting today at work. I decided to clean out the kitchen pantry and paint since the new lady hired bought all the supplies for painting her office. Company credit card, of course… It’s been very therapeutic for me. I didn’t want to stop today when it was quitting time. I’d rather be painting right now… |
| It’s colder than a witch’s tit outside. I’m sad. My stepbrother was found this morning. I just found out an hour ago. His tongue black, not breathing, he had suffocated on his own vomit. He is breathing now because of life support. The doctor told my stepdad that as soon as they pull the plug, he will pass. He is brain dead. It is drug related. My mom is so tore up. She is crying and pleading with me to stay with my recovery. My stepdad is clamed up. He’s an alcoholic like me… doesn’t have a clue as to what he is feeling right now. I didn’t know Brent very well. In the 15 years my mom has been married to Mike, I have seen Brent maybe twice. He lives in Houston and is hospitalized there now too. This doesn’t effect me up close and personal but I feel so sad for Mike and my Mom. When I heard my mom’s voice and asked how she was? She said, not good… my heart almost jumped out of my chest. I knew something was wrong… My first thought was something had happened to Mike. Then my brother came to mind. This is horrible but I felt a sigh of relief when I heard it was Brent. That’s an awful thing for me to say but it’s true. This is Mike’s only blood son… He just lost his mother last year. Man, life is slapping him around hard these days. Brent isn’t but in his late thirties. I’ve met him before but I don’t remember him. The first time I remember meeting him was at Mike’s mom’s funeral. I even blogged about him that day saying I thought he was strange. And he was… I just don’t fucking get it NO MORE… people laugh and act like it’s a GOOD TIME to poison your body! To pour a demon down your throat! To play on deaths doorstep. I am so fucking mad at alcohol and drugs I could just go get drunk! And Self-destruct… But I’m not gonna… Instincts gone wild is the underlying cause of anyone’s destructive behavior. It is the root cause of all addictions. I heard this out of the 12 &12 today during a meeting and it really stuck to me. Another thirty days chip … my last thirty-day chip… Johnny gave me a frog after the meeting… a little plastic frog. I looked at him like he had lost his mind. Thanks for the frog… man... He said to me, Let this plastic frog remind you every time you see it: F – Forever R – Rely O – On G – God I’m not in a good place right now… but I guess it’s better than where Brent is… Somewhere between asleep and awake… life and death… May God rest his soul… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iT88jBAoVIM |
| It won’t be long until my home PC will be dead. I honestly think it’s by the Grace of God that it has made it this far. The screen is most times just a little squiggly line, I wiggle it around, slap it, rough it up and most times it snaps back, BUT it’s not snapping back like it did before, I do believe very soon I’ll just be in the black. This sucks… I can’t whole heartingly blog at work, I can do it half-assed but those entries really do nothing for me. So if you don’t see me around, no worries Kay? The itty-bitty shitty committee has been working overtime lately. I have nothing to be down and out about… but I’m sure not floating in the clouds either. Seems like it may be something in the air. I’ve noticed a lot of people are having a hard time lately. All I know is just hang tough… Me, I choose to stay sober through the bullshit life tends to produce… TODAY. Why? Because I abused the privilege of drink and will continue to do so if I allow myself. My Christmas vacation comes to an end at 7AM-tomorrow morning. GAWD, I’m ready to go back to work so I can get some rest! This time off from work wasn’t all that I had in mind. I have to say it was more. Lot’s of emotions surging through me. I guess it’s confirmed within myself… I’ll never get good. Maybe if I do what I know I’m suppose to do… I’ll be ok with just getting better. I have managed to get a bit more comfortable with my surroundings and myself. Tomorrow I will claim another 30-day chip. I really hope this is the last thirty-day chip to ever join my collection. I could make a belt out of them suckers. It really doesn’t matter how many times we fall… what really matters is how many times we get back up. I went through my God box from last year. I found Armands name. Sigh… He died last year from Cancer. He could have lived longer had it not been for his addictions. His death is a direct result from Alcoholism. The “isms” … Alcohol is just a thing… the ‘isms’ is what gets us. Shafter’s obituary is a bookmarker in my big book… I’ve stared at the black and white frozen image of his face quite a bit during these two weeks. I still haven’t really come to terms with his death. I don’t cry because I just don’t cry. I don’t know what I am feeling most of the time. I confuse my thoughts and feelings and really they are totally different. I feel sad today. I feel guilty. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I was in a church when the New Year rolled in. I was standing in prayer with a bunch of strangers. I went with Ken to his church on the Southside across the tracks. It was an experience for me. I’ve never seen anything like it. They asked every one what baggage they wanted/needed to let go off, they wrote it down and put it in a suitcase. My baggage was resentments. I watched her write it on the paper and throw it into the suitcase. I kept looking over at the suitcase to see what they would do with it. They never did anything. I was confused about that… Shouldn’t we throw it out in the trash? I honestly wanted to throw it through the window, shattering the glass, tearing down the walls and just explode. I really had visions of doing this. But I just now realized that I left that baggage on the Altar of that church. I walked out but the baggage stayed there. Maybe I get it now… I don’t know how to deal with people, places and things. I’ve always dealt with a drink before. These 12 Steps aren’t an instant fix like the drink was. No, working these steps kick my ass. It would be so much easier to just take a drink. It would be so much EASIER to just be like the man that conceived me. Easy… I don’t know how to cope with stuff sometimes and so I leave. Leaving is brand new to me. I’ve never been one to walk away. It’s something I believe to be progress within myself. I use to stay and fight until death… your death or mine. Carelessly taking on every battle…Spiritual, emotional, mental … until I win OR lose with no hope of a come back. Today I know I can’t do that and allow God to restore me to sanity in the meantime. So today I just leave. It doesn’t mean I have discarded you. It doesn’t mean I’m not capable of forgiving or that I haven’t. It doesn’t even mean that I don’t think about you and wonder how you are. Today I found your name in my God box and I left it in there. Today I cooked my New Years meal and watched the movie “I am Legend.” Good movie but not so with the mood I was already in. Something uplifting like “Underdog” would have been better for today’s mood. I saw that one yesterday at mom’s house. I invited Ken over to eat and we hung out today. I won’t invite him over again. He’s not a bad dude but there’s nothing there at all for me. He keeps making these off the wall comments about ‘our future’… this is our second so called ‘date’… last night he took me to church, today I cooked for him and he wants to know if the 15 year age difference is going to be a problem. AND He asked if I would do his laundry when I did mine! That caught me way off guard, I snapped back without thought “ Hell No…I ain’t doing your laundry!” and he said there were other women that love him and his dirty socks. huh? What the hell? I was baffled over that. Then he tells me he was only kidding just testing me to see what I would say. Whatever… I say… “See ya…” He talks at the meetings and it just blows my skirt up. He says some of the neatest stuff and seems to be living out the principles of this program from eye’s view… but I think there is more than what meets the eye and I don’t think I like it, not the kind of way that requires up close and personal relations. He wants me to keep it ‘hush hush’ that he comes by my place cause he don’t want no one thinking he is a 13th stepper. I don’t like that either. If you got to be sneaky about something then you shouldn’t be doing it. We work a program of honesty. There is no room for hush hush in honesty… right? In fact that was tonight’s topic. I don’t dislike Ken but I know he is but another passing ship through the night. As have been so many others… another man done gone, the story of my life. About the time I stop getting my hopes up maybe then I’ll find what I’m obviously looking for. Then again… it may never happen. He did bring me a beautiful vase of red roses today and a box of chocolates. That was really nice of him. I guess this is where my guilt comes in because that was a waste of his money, I don’t feel a thing for him. I need to get to bed. I think I’m tired… well, I know I’m tired… everything will be all right in the morning. Say that it’s SO! |
| Religion says the existence of God can be proved; the agnostic says it can’t be proved; and the atheist claims proof of the nonexistence of God. I’ve been all of them at one time in my life. When I was a child I was an atheist. I did not believe there was a God, there was just no possible way. I remember one day walking through the hall of my childhood home, my Aunt Lucy had just died the year before, her picture hung at the end of the hall. I fleeting thought of her passed through my mind. I was 14 years old. I asked myself where she could be now? What had happened to her after death? My conclusion was that she had turned to dirt, she was gone and I would never see her again. Very clearly I remember telling myself, there could not possibly be a ‘God’. That was that… never again did I give it another thought until I was in my early twenties when I stepped into an agnostic mindset. I just didn’t know. It couldn’t be proved that God didn’t exist, and it couldn’t be proved that He did exist. However, I concluded that if He does exist, he sure ain’t doing a thing for me. With time I started witnessing God working in lives of others and so I began to lean towards the idea that He does exist BUT I either wasn’t good enough, holy enough or perfect enough for him to work in mine. That was that… and so I lived on thus becoming a victim to obsessions with no inclination of where to turn for help. It was because of a major breakdown in my life, one I had caused, harming one other person and myself to the extent that if there was a God, I felt I would surely go to Hell for what I had done. I had no reason to live but there was no reason to hurry death for if there was a God, the flames of fire awaited me. Every time I opened the bible it seemed to condemn and confirm that I would surely burn. I wrestled with the theory of God for about a year; secretly hoping there was not one. Until finally… I had a spiritual awakening and at 23 years old, I came to truly believe in God, the God of the bible, Jesus Christ. I was 23 years old before I knew the reason Jesus hung on the cross. Though I was a standing believer from that time to this and had I died between then and now, I am certain Jesus would have come for me and took me to heaven. My name was written in the Book of Life that day I invited Christ into my heart, I believe this with everything that I am! Though Christ had planted a seed in my heart, I was still so very twisted up on the inside. I had become a member of the Baptist church that my mother gave me the option of going to as a child. My husband and I were baptized together. We stopped smoking dope, started trying to live the right way. I remember while watching the video of our baptism that evening, how I would be perfect from now on. I’ll never have a desire to do drugs, drink… I’ll never have to fight again, I was marked perfect. I’ve never been so wrong in my life… I eventually grew resentful towards the Baptist church for the theories they had about women being in the pulpit. In fact, I had a church member tell me that Joyce Meyer was from the DEVIL for God says no women shall be in the pulpit. Every day was a struggle... everyday was a test. I just couldn’t cut it… I’m just not the church going Susie homemaker that I thought I was suppose to be and not long after becoming a Christian, I divorced my husband and fell deeper into the grips of obsessions; I acted worse after becoming a Christian than I EVER did before and the really sad part is I believed God was ok with it… Well if he wasn’t, he would have taken all those desires away! Right? No… it’s called self-deception and also LESSONS LEARNED. I have been studying the 12 & 12 as my sponsor has asked me to do. I’m working on Step two again, “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Like I’ve said before, Restore? That’s funny to me… there is no restoring… nope it’s MY FIRST TIME! I found me in the writings of Bill W. and I want to take note of it here: Now let’s take the guy full of faith, but still reeking of alcohol. He believes he is devout. His religious observance is scrupulous. He’s sure he still believes in God, but suspects that God doesn’t believe in him. He takes pledges and more pledges. Following each, he not only drinks again, but acts worse than the last time. Valiantly he tries to fight alcohol, imploring God’s help, but the help doesn’t come. What, then, can be the matter? The answer has to do with the quality of faith rather than its quantity. This has been our blind spot. We supposed we had humility when really we hadn’t. We supposed we had been serious about religious practices when, upon honest appraisal, we found we had been only superficial. We had wallowed in emotionalism and had mistaken it for true religious feeling. We had been asking something for nothing. The fact was we really hadn’t cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession. We had always said, “Grant me my wishes” instead of “Thy will be done.” Therefore we remained self deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity. Sanity is defined as soundness of mind. Drunk or sober I have never been able to claim soundness of mind. Not yet… Step One told me I’m out of control. Step Two tells me God can bring me under control. I can’t, he can, I think I’ll let him… I got to go! Meeting at 5:30, Mom’s for dinner and then to the Dance. I want to get all spiffed up but I really am tired and not feeling it… maybe after a nice hot shower I’ll get perked up!  |
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