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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
I am beginning to think exterminator dude is not doing his job properly. First that bug that walked across my monitor and now I hear this clicking sound coming from the airconditioner vent, first thing that comes to mind is a MOUSE!  Surely not… * Jen comforts herself * I don’t do bugs! I sure don’t do mice! I have never seen a bug here in these apartments. Sure never seen a mouse with Meow and all. She is a tough girl even without her claws, in the house I use to live in next to this open field, She would bring me a mouse every morning, she had toothed it to death! I know this is disgusting so I’m moving on … I planned on disconnecting my home phone but when I called to do so. They gave me such a deal that it talked me into keeping the landline. But I did get my number changed because strange but nice guy was calling me again. Remember him? Some of you might. He was a party favor during one of my relapses this last year. He knows I am in recovery, he is in dire need of recovery (in my humble opinion) but I’ve never seen him walk through the doors of my AA group even though I told him a LONG TIME AGO, if you want to see me, you’ll have to see me at the meetings. I’m not trying convert him… though it sure wouldn’t be a bad thing for him, but it’s really for my own recovery. I know me! One bad moment is all it would take. They tell us in recovery to change our playmates and playgrounds. I didn’t take that seriously when I first began this journey and it came back and bit me on the butt! Now I am very careful about who I share my time with. I have to be! Well, since the number change instead of people calling for Mike Powell all the time, now it’s a chic named Stephanie. Lot’s of calls for her already! So… A New Year is upon us. 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525, 660 minutes – Was it last year that I had all these high minded goals? Gonna buy me a house, gonna fall in love with a Godly man, gonna double my income, … Yep! Well…None of it came to pass. Maybe I need to get more realistic huh? So, this year, my goals… save some money in order that I may eventually purchase a home. Talk to bosslady about promotions or switching positions within the company. The Godly man idea? I’ve seen my attractions to men change within this year. I care less about physical appearances and material possessions, I’ve noticed I’m attracted to a man’s spirituality, gentleness and well SOBREITY! So there has been some progress made here. I’ve been involved with two men this year, Randy and Skittles. Involved = by choice, not because of influence by some mind altering chemical. There’s quite a comparison between the two men. Opposites! Like day and night… Though I still have a soft spot for Randy in my heart, I always will. Even though I’ve been so mad I could have choked him to death… I’ll always care about him. We were kindred souls destined to cross paths. Randy was a big part of my recovery. He brought me to my knees, that emotional bottom. I honestly think I went to rehab to get over him but I was given so much more than just that. I was introduced to a program of simple things, one that has saved my life. Randy will forever be a part of my story. He helped bring about the ‘Turning Point’ in my life. Though I honestly hope and pray he will never be within my view again, and if God Willing, he is… I pray and hope that I’m strong enough in my recovery to not lose myself in him. So what’s this years New Years Resolution? I went to Wal-Mart this morning in attempt to return some things, well the line was all the way out the front door of the store. I chose not to put myself through that torture. So I left. A local TV news channel stopped me and wanted to know my New Years Resolution. I’m going to be on the news tonight, no makeup, hair pulled up in a pony… and really I had no idea what to say so it just went something like this: “I want to be happy. Every day of this year I want to find something to be happy about.” Then dude asked why that would be first and foremost in my mind and I responded saying: “Cause I’ve wasted way to much time not being happy.” I felt like a dork but really that’s what came to my mind. It’s not like I had time to rehearse for this! But really it is my New Years resolution… I just want to be happy with who I am and where I’m at in life. Last night I went to the 5:30 meeting and turns out they changed the locks of the club like months ago, well no one there had a key and mine did not work. So I call Sheree, “What do I do?” There were people lined up waiting for a meeting and it was 10 after the scheduled time. She told me to start the meeting outside on the bench. So I did. I asked Ken to read “How it Works” out of his big book and we all circled around the bench, laughing, chuckling and repeating how we “GO TO ANY LENGTH” to stay sober. In Chapter 5 of the big book it tells us how this program works. Someone in the group is asked to read this before each meeting, this short paragraph of that reading convicted and had all of us willing to sit outside in the 40 degree weather for a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous: Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps. I didn’t take a jacket with me… had a blonde moment and so a lady offered me a blanket that was in her car and I took it! Well it wasn’t long until Lucy and Dan showed up and they had a key. So we all went it for the completion of the meeting. A lady approached me and asked if I would sponsor her. Her name is Christy, I haven’t seen her before and I had to tell her I don’t have enough sobriety to sponsor but I gave her my phone number and told her I would sure help her in finding a sponsor. I was still in that funk yesterday and so glad I went to that meeting because it got me out of myself, thus, brought me into a happy place! Funny how that works… selfish people are miserable people. Many times I don’t know where my funk is coming from but then when I get ME off my mind, I miraculously get better. hmmm… * Jen belts out in Willie Nelson style * “ I was always on MY Mind… I was always on MY mind.” My brain is scattered today. I have a long way to go and a short time to get there… I must toodle away! |
For bugzy is baaaccck!!   - In the South, it is considered good luck to eat black-eyed peas on New Year's Day because they are thought to symbolize wealth (because they look like little coins when cooked). They also swell when they are cooked, which is another sign of prosperity. Cabbage is also an item to eat on the New Year, as its leaves can also look like cash. Cabbage OR Collar Greens… I go with the cabbage. Black-eyed peas originated in Africa and were brought to the New World by Spanish colonists and African slaves. Back in the days of the Wild West, our celebrated black-eyed peas were used strictly for the feeding of cattle in the South. During the Civil War battle of Vicksburg, the town was under siege for over 40 days. No supplies went in and none came out The entire town was on the brink of starvation. So they ate those humble "cowpeas," THUS starting a southern tradition. I did some researching to find this information… cause I really did not know, I just been blindly fed Black-eyed peas on New Years Day all my life, never questioning the concept! Funny how we do things cause it’s just what we were taught. Had I not done some research my answer as to why I eat Black eyed peas on New Years would have been… Cause Momma does it. If we asked her why, her answer would most likely be… Cause Momma does it. I need a vacation from my head! I woke up at 2PM today. I must have been tired; I never sleep that late! I woke up and I wasn’t in a good state of mind. I had turned off my cellphone so that I could sleep without being bothered. This afternoon when I awoke, I turned it on to find no messages and I was butthurt! No one in this whole wide world gives a rat’s ass about me. That alcoholic mind of mine kicked in and I was restless, irritable and discontent from the moment my eyes opened. I called Sheree and told her I was really upset that Greta has not called me. She would have normally called me; She has to be upset at me still! Yeah, it was the fact that Greta had not called that upset me … I could care less about these harddicks that like to blow my ringer everyday. Oh… that’s the VERY alcoholic mindset I’m talking about… Scratch that… but really it was that Greta hadn’t called and I was tore up about it. Let’s not forget that I’m cellphone illiterate … So I call Sheree and tell her that I am feeling resentment coming on about Greta. I guess I felt that she might have just chalked me off, marked me as unworthy of her friendship. I guess that’s what I was feeling, I don’t really know… I was just upset, she usually calls me in the mornings if I don’t call her. So her not calling influenced my MAGNIFYING mind into thinking she was just not interested in being a part of my recovery any longer. Sheree gives me an assignment. She tells me to read a story in the Big Book titled “Freedom from Bondage”… and she tells me to pray every day for two weeks specifically for Greta. I posted a link to the story in case anyone is interested in reading it. It is awesome, I can so relate to the woman writer that it blew my mind, it’s as if she got some of her story right out of my head. http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/BigBook/pdf/theylostnearlyall14.pdf The writer talks about her 25 year old resentment to her mother, just exactly how I hold that deep of a resentment to my dad, whether or not I admit to it or even realize it…at all times, it’s always there on the back burner of my mind. The writer spoke of how her resentment towards her mother provided her with excuses for lack of education, marital failures, personal failures, inadequacy and of course alcoholism. Damn… Even now I use my father as an excuse to not tolerate certain people and especially HE is the reason I can’t function properly in a relationship with the opposite sex. Yep! It’s all dads’ fault…  I see that it’s not really what happened to me through my father’s care, it’s more of how I reacted to it and continue to react to it… I also realized that it isn’t Greta I need to be focusing this resentment prayer on… no, its dad. I’m going to give it a whirl… I’ll let you know in two weeks what the outcome is… or rather the income… it’s an inside job… right? I don’t think Dad is going to change his ways any time soon but the way I react to his ways is what this prayer will adjust. Sheree wants me to read this story every day for a week and pray the resentment prayer every day for two weeks. I already have two definite people in mind to pray this prayer about… I really don’t know why… but Carla is on that list. Remember her? Carla from work? I don’t know what it is about her but I have resented her since the day I went to work plastered and she acted one way to my face and another way when I wasn’t looking, even though I seldom think of that incident, even though I know I brought that all on myself and even though I honestly think I have forgiven and let go… I still have such a dislike for her and It just isn’t budging… so her and dad are on my resentment prayer list… I imagine it will grow! …But as of now, those two are all that come to mind. Greta? What happened with her on the list? Well… I went to the meeting at 5:30 and she was there, after the meeting she came up to me, lavished me with hugs and ‘so good to see you’ and told me she called this morning and didn’t get an answer, said she was real concerned. I come home and checked the cellphone, sure enough at 9AM this morning she called and left a voicemail. I need to read the operators manual for that cellphone! God SAVE me from my magnifying mind! I talked to Sheree about it and told her how thinking Greta hadn’t called just got me all bent out of shape and thinking the worse and man I realize how my head is a dangerous place to be. I do not recommend going there alone! Then I kind of got straight with Skittles today. He didn’t call me yesterday or today and I got all kinds of butthurt about that too. I expect more of him because he lays up in my bed… I expect a phone call everyday and that’s not healthy. It’s not healthy for me to be sleeping with him knowing FULL well that he ain’t the one for me. He is a 13th stepper whether or not he wants to admit it. It’s easy to be … we are all but human. I called him today cause I needed the account number for the cellphone so I can call Customer service and get them to help me connect my bluetooth again, well my straightforward, sometimes brash and ugly self just let him know how I got other men calling me but the ONE I’m banging ain’t got time to ring me up? Told him it isn’t healthy for either of us and he told me I was right, he agreed. It needs to stop… I wanted to invite Ken over for a New Years Day meal but I just didn’t see how right that would be cause here I am sleeping with this other guy but I’d rather spend time with Ken… just makes no sense, so I’ve now put an end to Skittles and me. Of course, we are still friends, and always will be. Though, I don’t think Ken is anymore “Mr. Right” than Skittles is… at this point anyway… but I know for a fact that Skittles is just a substitute in my mind and in my bed. God willing, I may never again have to deal with drinking, but still I have to deal with sobriety every day... I’ve been in a funk today… man, I hope I lighten up tomorrow. |
| Meow pissed on my Mother-in-law’s tongue! I turn the kitchen corner and Meow’s fuzzy butt is squatted right on top of my plant! Little shit I’m sure it will die now! I wonder how long she has been pissing in my plant!? That’s it… no more water for her. I shopped till I dropped today. Bought myself several pairs of slacks for work. I have visited the mall in this last week more times than I have in the last year! Still I am going to return a pair of jeans tomorrow and exchange for another, So I’ll be back! Quiet day for me… I haven’t even talked on the phone but for a bit this morning. I’ve been tired all day, missed my nap time, I’ve been laying in bed since 8:00 watching Dr. G for the last 3 hours… Lawd, I’m such an addict! I’d like to sleep but I’m not doing it for some damn reason. You want to know what chaps my ass more than just normal? I get so disgusted when I am out shopping and some guy is checking me out as his wife pushes the buggy in front of him. That is just WRONG! Fucking men… this happens a lot too. More than I find worth mentioning really. Happened today… this dude was hot too… had on tight wranglers and a cowboy hat… I notice his attention my way and I wheww… I couldn’t help but LOOK right back! He was sexy! Then I see his wife pushing the buggy with two toddlers riding in it and a young handicapped girl walking next to her… Gawd! What a loser! Poor woman… So what did I get for Christmas? Mom got me: Panties and bras, perfume, $50, a flameless candle (that rocks by the way, makes my home smell good!) A supersize package of toilet paper … last time she was here at my home I had the papertowels in the potty room cause I had ran out, so this was a bit of her sense of humor. Thanks Ma! I just bought two 12 roll packages so now I don’t have room to store all the TP! My Grandma gave me $100 My cousin gave me a gift certificate to JC Penny Sheree gave me a really yummy smelling sugar cookie scented candle Skittles gave me a cell phone And I gave me: A purse, and really all kinds of shit… I’ve been shopping like a wild woman! Things I need, I haven’t really gone crazy but I’ve damn sure gone broke! But I’ve bought myself sensible things, not been extravagant, though the thought crossed my mind! So really I made out like a bandit this year! As always… I’m a blessed girl. I got my mom a nightgown that says ‘Dreamer’ on it. Gave my step dad just gag gifts, like a big nose and glasses, a whoopee cushion and then some Little Debbie snacks cause my mom won’t buy them for him. I took Skittles out to eat. Gave Sheree and Greta some fuzzy house shoes that look like flip-flops… you seen them at the store? They are cool. I bought myself a pair that has leopard skin design on them and I wear them everywhere! They are soooo comfy and I get to show off my toes.  I got my toenails all manicured and my toe ring on. I love being a woman… I can not lie. If I were a man I would be gay. As I was walking in to the meeting tonight a guy was standing by the front door. I was looking at him cause I was going to say hello if he made eye contact with me but hell his eyes were on my TOES! About the time I got through the door, he hung up the phone and followed in behind me, so …I had to say something, I mean it was damn obvious he had his scopes on my toesies… “You checking out my toes huh?” “Hell Yeah, I’m a toe man!” He said…  Cracked me up… and the other guy that was walking in about that time. There is a man on my side of town that is knocking on doors and then hiding. When the person answers, he barges in and demands they undress. He has a gun. This was on the news this evening, he has hit four homes since Christmas and all are within the area that I live in. My mother called to tell me about this and then I flipped on the news and saw it for myself. One woman refused to undress and he just left… didn’t shoot her, didn’t say or doing anything- just turned around and left. I can’t imagine what I would do in a situation like that. I honestly don’t know how I would handle it. I think it would depend greatly on rather or not I was PMSing… dude might be in for the fight of his life if he catches me on a PMS day… but then again, it’s not even funny to joke about such things. I damn sure know my doors are locked tonight. I’m bought some black eyed peas to prepare and eat on New Years Day! They bring good luck! So says my mother… I believe I will attend a dance at my club on New Years Eve. I’ve been talking a lot to this other dude that is in the program. He really has a lot of neat stuff to say. His name is Ken, yeah, it’s the same one that I avoided for a few days. I’m weird… people grow on me. Well there is this other dude, Ronnie, that has been calling a lot lately. He wants me to go to Lano with him on Sunday to drop off his daughter back at her mom’s. Lano is 8 hours, round trip… I’m not interested in spending that time sitting in a car. Ronnie has an aggressive personality. In fact, some of the shit he say sometimes stings me. It’s not what he says, it’s the attitude behind it. It’s like there is a big red X right on his forehead. I was suppose to call him today and I never did, FORGOT! Yesterday he called and I didn’t get to my phone in time, so I had the phone in hand, was about to hit the first digit when it rang again… but this time the ID said “Unknown”… I answer and it’s him… he’s all pissy cause I didn’t answer when he called straight but I answer when he goes into hiding… You know that is something dad would do. Play those freaking games… just like when I explained why I emailed Linda about the computer and not dad… I had to give account to Ronnie as to why I picked up the second time and not the fist time… sheesshhh… I don’t have to explain myself to no man! I don’t see no rock on my finger… There is a BUG walking around on my monitor! I gotta go! Gone like yesterday! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBKkwxCV5ls |
| Joel Osteen had a wonderful anecdote this morning that gives a brilliant perspective on the struggles within our life. I will try to paraphrase the story to the best of my ability below: A young couple was shopping for antiques one day in an exclusive store and took notice of one of the most beautiful teacups they had ever seen sitting on a shelf. They knew immediately that they had to buy it. As they stood there admiring it they were shocked to hear it begin to speak. You know what? I didn’t always look like this, said the beautiful teacup. There was a time when nobody wanted me. There was a time when I wasn’t attractive at all. You see I was just an old lump of clay. But one day this potter came along and he began to pat me, form me and mold me. I said to the potter, “What are trying to do? That hurts! I’m uncomfortable! Leave me alone!” But the potter smiled and said, “Not yet.” He then put me on the potter’s wheel, said the teacup. And he spun me around and around and I began to get dizzy. I did not like it, but eventually, I took on a different shape. He formed me into this teacup. I thought he was through with me, but all of a sudden he put me into a furnace. It was so hot in there, I could not stand it. I thought I was going to die! And when he came to check on me, I could see him through the glass in the furnace and he had a sparkle in his eye. I screamed out to him, “Hey let me out of here!” He just smiled and said, “Not yet.” Finally after a long time, he took me out and put me on the shelf, said the teacup. I thought, thank God it is finally over. Now I can get back to being my normal self. But then the potter came back over and began to paint me with this sticky paint. I didn’t like it. It smelled terrible! I thought I was going to choke. And I told him, “Leave me alone!” But again, he just said, “Not yet.” Then he put me into a second oven that was twice as hot as the first. And I thought for sure it was all over. This time I thought it was going to be the end of me. When he came to check on me, I said, “Listen, I am serious. I can’t take this anymore!” But once again he just smiled and said, “Not yet.” Finally he took me out and after a couple of days I cooled off. He came by and handed me a mirror. And when I looked into that mirror, I could not believe how beautiful I was. I could not believe how much I have changed. I did not look like anything like that hard lump of clay that I started out to be. Now I am this beautiful tea cup and everybody wants me. But always remember there was a time, when nobody wanted me. But now, all because of the potter I am valuable. He made something special out of my life. I believe that it is our experiences, good and especially bad, that shapes us into the unique works of art that we are. Good experiences only reaffirm we are on the right track. Bad experiences make us change. Although painful during the experience, it is ultimately allowing us to take on our true form. Our universe is putting us through the things we need to experience to make our dreams come true. ** I called and left message on my dad’s voicemail, telling him I love him. I said maybe it's not time to talk but I just want you to know I love you and I’m sorry I was so angry. It’s just every song I hear- every thing I read, Everything reminds me of my dad and this situation! I busted out crying last night when Eric Clapton sang about his father’s eyes… I could not listen to the song because it effected me so badly. I don’t know what the solution is but I know hate is not helping it. I hope he doesn’t call me back anytime soon but I wanted him to stop hurting over my anger. Or I wanted to stop hurting over the situation. I’m grumpy this morning. My mother woke me up way to early… She wanted me to come over for breakfast… eww… I turned the invite down, I struggled with my bluetooth, can’t figure out how to make the thing work… I’m so cellphone dumb and by the time I got around to calling Greta for our morning reflections, she was already out walking her dog and getting ready for a doctor appointment. There is still some tension in the air, I sense with her… she is making sure I know full well that she has had a hard couple of days, with her illness, the fall, ME. I’m one to start beating myself upside the head but this time I’m not going to! God is in control… I am not the general manager of the world OR everyone’s feelings. I can only apologize and that’s that… it’s up to the other person to find forgiveness… hear me? Good… I don't think I wrote it, but I went up to her at the 5:30 meeting and hugged her, told her I loved her. It was hard for me. I didn't know what her response would be and I had to prepare myself for anything. She accepted my apology and then told me why she said what she said and how sick she has been over this situation, still it is the beginning of healing with us. Our friendship will be even stronger now, with time. I’m going to do some shopping today…I’m trying to come up with a good New Years Meal to prepare and just ways to have some fun. I ain’t going to sit in a pity or pissed of pot no more! I’m done with all that. I told Sheree last night that I told myself I wanted to make leaps in recovery during my time off from work. I had in mind, that I would do a lot of studying, praying, meditations… etc… Looks like I got some hands on experience… Lab work! Have a good day friends… |
Listen as your day unfolds Challenge what the future holds Try and keep your head up to the sky Lovers, they may cause you tears Go ahead release your fears Stand up and be counted Don't be ashamed to cry Forgiveness is a process , not an instantaneous cure. Like healing, it does not happen overnight. When you forgive it means the offense is no longer front and center in your thoughts or feelings. Your hostility, resentment and misery have made way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness is often not a one-time thing. It begins with a decision, but memories or words or actions may trigger old feelings, and you have to commit to forgive again. Some deep-rooted hurts take longer to heal. It costs us something to let go; most of what we have learned is “cheap grace.” We are often taught “forgive and forget, move on” – but true forgiveness takes time to honestly consider our pain and grief, and then make a decision to “let go and let God.” Then we act as IF, I guess… until our feelings catch up with our decision. I’m really blowing smoke up your ass here, cause I don’t know… I just don’t know… I can only assume, go off of what I read, try to put it in practice and cry, scream, take out the trash, cuss the cat… whatever it takes to get me through the moment. Many times I try to see the why behind the what. Why did that person treat me like that? Was the hurt I felt meant intentionally by them? A lot of times I can understand why a person did or said what they did but it hurts my PRIDE, my pocketbook, my self esteem or my ambitions. Many times it’s just a clash of personalities. It boils down to rather or not there is a desire to carry on with a certain relationship. Forgiveness does not mean we have to stick around. Some relationships I’m just not capable of being involved in at this time. Large example: Dad. Due to a direct result from the issues I am fighting to overcome. Every bit of energy I got is going into recovery right now. I don’t have it in me to battle or debate the world’s problems. I don’t have it in me to tolerate my father’s misery. Someday I will… but this early in recovery I just don’t have much tolerance to give. I can only attempt to maintain a peaceful surface while the war rages within… Dad is different than the Greta situation. Dad is deep rooted, years and years of hurt. Even now as I sit here… still mad as hell at him, I HATE the thought that I have hurt him. I want to call him up now and just tell him I’m sorry… Just don’t hurt. He is in so much pain already… I don’t know why, I don’t know where his misery comes from. I don’t understand why he won’t get better! He’s gotten worse with age… and he was never in good shape… it’s just hopeless… I know exactly why he acted like he did to me. He is hurt that I don’t have anything to do with him. He thinks I don’t love him and it’s couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s because I have a disease that wants to kill me and when I go around people like my dad, people that remind me of my dad, people that drink or drug, people that remind me of where I come from… I set myself up for failure! How can I tell my dad this? I can’t… He would never understand it. Dad… I can’t be in relationship with you because you are an instrument that the darkness uses against me! You don’t know it… I know you don’t want to be… but you are. And since you obviously have no desire to recover, what do I do? Is this fucked up or what? Yes. You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm You gotta stay together Many times it’s several days after the big blow before my emotions have calmed down enough to allow me to think rationally. I don’t think I’m all that different from anyone else. Maybe a little more hardcore, intense or high-strung, well I come by it naturally! It just takes time… Time is necessary in the healing of wounds. Time for me to sit back and say WTF? Many times I see that it’s because of something wrong inside of me that makes me incapable of accepting them. I’m talking minor offenses here… like with how I felt Greta wronged me. Truth is… I knew minutes after getting her response that it was damn close to the way I responded when working with Sarah. Yep! Her response wasn’t the best but it was damn sure human. Today I got a lot better. Instead of focusing so much on what I think Greta did wrong, I was able to look at my part… She isn’t responsible for my recovery; she doesn’t have to kiss my ass because I’m trying to stay sober. It’s my responsibility to reach out to her, it’s my fucking sanity I’m trying to recover… so for me to be all pissed off that she didn’t call me yesterday is just another mindset of the drunk that I fucking am, thinking that the world owes me something. Nobody owes me a damn thing… my recovery is my responsibility. I damn sure didn’t need nobody to talk me into getting drunk so why should I EXPECT to be talked into staying sober. I realized today that her friendship is worth more than my pride. So she isn’t a perfect person, well she’s in damn good company with me! She does work the program; she does the do things... she has time for me. She needs me maybe even more than I need her. She tried to fix my problem to the best of her ability and I didn’t want to be fixed, I don’t know what I wanted her to do… nothing, maybe just listen and be a punching bag for me… since dad kept hanging up the phone! It was damn selfish of me. Take heed to what your mother said Read the books your father read Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time I called her today to just ask how she is doing. I had to because I was torturing myself with the resentments and anger. I had to just let it go. She told me she slipped on some ice and fell while walking her dog. I felt real bad… here I am so engulfed with my own bitterness and she’s obviously having a hard time and I’m not there for her. She called her brothers to come and help her up, (I) she couldn’t get up…  … she had to call them home from work, she should have been able to call me. Now, my anger has turned into remorse… I’m on a wild emotional roller coaster ride… it changes directions sometimes each minute, sometimes hour… day by day? fuck… hour by hour… All I know is love will save the day http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhpZfltbnAQ it's really cool to have my own little inside committee... you guys are the committee in my head! No one knows about you, it's like you are my secret agents. What would I do with out you all... |
| Strange that I am more upset over Greta than I am my father. Sheree says I am focusing my anger on Greta so that I don’t have to focus it on my dad. She says Greta is an easier target. I don’t know about that… but I know Greta blew my skirt up when she responded to me the way she did. I didn’t expect it at all. It was like a sucker punch that came flying in from somewhere in the back. I expected something like that from my father. I’m accustomed to it. It’s just another day another drama with him. I know my dad is spiritually sick. I know that he is miserable. I know that the odds of him changing his ways are zero. Sure, There’s always hope and I’ll hold on to it till the day he dies, or I die… whichever comes first… but there is no doubt that divine intervention is the only possibility of him recovering from his foolishness… and he has to WANT to recover…chances are that will never happen. He really honestly believes that it’s everyone else that has the problem, not him. I’ve been dealing with my dad for a while now. If you have been staying up with my blog for the last year, you have seen it. I thought he hung the moon and I defended his every action. (This is very common for abused children, even into adulthood) Then, I started acknowledging and admitting to myself that Yea… he is a dick! Yeah, He has really abused me emotionally, mentally, and physically (In Childhood). No, it wasn’t just all in my head… First I was in denial, then I got angry, then disgusted, I felt sorry for myself, I blamed him for everything in my life, even for that boil on my ass! I went through the phase of thinking if he could only see how much I love him then he would change! Then if he could only see just how good I turned out, then I’ll win his love and approval. Then I became belligerent. Fuck that old man! Who needs his sorry ass hanging around! Well, then he’d do something ‘fatherly’ and the process would start all over again! Back to denial… and what did I do to win his approval? I must have done something right… WHAT WAS IT? Well, If I do this then just maybe he will REALLY love me. Oh Dear GOD… ** Jen falls to her knees in utter defeat ** I finally figured out that he does love me. He loves me to the best of his ability. I finally figured out that just because he doesn’t love me the way I want him to love me, doesn’t mean he don’t love me with all he’s got. I finally learned what the word ‘detachment’ means and I began to put it into practice. I began to put it into practice… this is where I am at now… it’s almost like I have shut my emotions down when it comes to him. It’s almost like I don’t care… Almost… Why did I lose my cool with dad? Possibly PMS had a lot to do with it. Like my mother said today, What you got is beyond PMS… even my sponsor (Sheree) asked if I had my Midol this morning? That was her first question to me! Normally I would have just humored my father and then I would have stuffed it like I have grown accustomed to doing. But I was dead set on going to war with the old man yesterday… I was just so angry. I’m still so angry that I have to remind myself to breathe. My face is bloodshot! My blood pressure is maxed out. I am physically sick because of my anger. I have NEVER been this angry without self-medication. I don’t want to hate my dad… but I cause myself HARM every time I am in contact with him. What are my options? He isn’t going to change. I can’t live with the way he is. I have to let him go and really I already have. I cried like a baby the day he called me and made amends to me. Why? I cried because I knew this wasn’t going to change anything. I knew that no matter how bad he may feel at times that he just don’t have it in him to do different. For whatever reason, he just isn’t capable of it. I know it’s not because he wasn’t given a chance because my mother and I have loved him HARDCORE for a long long time… She went through hell for him. I’d do it NOW for him but it wouldn’t change anything. He is just a very unhappy man. One that chooses to stay trapped within his self-made misery. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions. Page 64 – AA Big Book I am attracted to personalities like the one my father possesses. This is more of a subconscious thing. I damn sure don’t get pleasure from being mistreated. I damn sure don’t DESIRE to be abused… it’s just a built in fatal attraction type thing, a sickness… maybe I think if I win that other person’s approval, it will be in a way, winning over the man that helped birth me into life. Greta has that same personality. She does work a strong program. She does have a good love walk. There are many things about her that I like but I just don’t know if I can trust her anymore. I don’t know if I can let her in again. I’m considering firing her as my sponsor. I’m not sure what I will do. I need to let my anger subside before making any decisions. I need to ensure that I am making the right decision for the right reason. What bothers me the most about this situation with her… it appears that she has no regard for my sobriety. She has not called me today and asked how I am doing. She is mad as hell at me because I told her I didn’t want to hear the bullshit she was throwing out at me. I honestly don’t remember saying this, I was so angry… but she says I said it, and It sounds like me. I don’t doubt that I said it, I damn sure thought it. I could be drunk right now for all she knows. And she hasn’t called… It appears that She cares more about her pride than she does my sobriety. I can understand how I caught her off guard last night. I don’t expect her to be perfect. I know she is human and I had full intentions of working through our blow up from last night, but after calling her this morning and hearing her reaction, talking down to me like she did… antagonizing another brawl… never once asking if I took a drink…After having one of the HARDEST days I have ever had in sobriety and not being able to reach out to my sponsor because she is mad at me… I can’t help but consider the idea that working with her in recovery may not be my best option. She took my anger as a personal attack on her and it had NOTHING to do with her. I reached out to her cause I thought I could. I thought she was tough enough, I thought she had enough recovery in her to help me through what I was in… I thought she was sponsor material. I’m not so sure I feel that way now. She wasn’t real with me when she said I CAN’T hurt her, I CAN’T make her mad… Uh… bullshit… your words right NOW show me differently. It appears that she has this shit rehearsed. Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritual sick. I once heard Greta say during our studies that if she did not have her life threatening illness she would still be drinking and drugging. She thanks God for her life threatening illness. This is cool for her but I don’t have a life threatening illness. Sure, If I keep on I’ll damn sure find myself one, but as of now, I don’t have that reason to stay sober. So if the woman that I am relying on to teach me all about recovery says bluntly that she would still be drunk without her liver failure… what exactly does she have that I want? They say to find a sponsor that has something that you want, speaking of, say … inner strength, inner beauty, spirituality, determination… etc… Well, right now I’m mad at her so I’ll just continue to ponder this question in prayer and meditation. We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity and patience that we would cheerfully grant a seek friend. When we become offended we say this prayer: “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.” We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn’t treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. ~ Page 67 I can’t help but think of myself as the sick man in this passage! I do believe Greta has destroyed her chance to be helpful to me. I believe I have destroyed my chance to be helpful for her. I can’t imagine working a 5th step with her. I feel like she has judged me by my anger. Anger that must come out or it will kill me. I had no idea she would act like she did when I called her. OR I wouldn’t have called. I could have dealt with it on my own. I could have turned to someone else. I just did not know she would react that way and especially continue to act the way she has. I did not go to a meeting tonight because I did not want to see her. I’m just so tore up about all this, but I know it will pass. I know that things will work out. I know that in time I will find a solution. I think a lot of it depends on how she continues to react to me if I will continue to be in relationship with her and work the steps with her guidance. We have done well together up until yesterday. My first crisis since she has sponsored me and honestly I feel like she kicked me when I was already down. And she keeps kicking me by showing no support, no regard for my recovery. I could be really wrong here… I don’t know, but this is how I feel at this moment. Time will tell what will happen. God’s desires will be done. I was talking to a dude from the program earlier on the phone he said, “Ain’t nobody gonna hold your hand through recovery”… “Why you making excuses to not go to a meeting?” I couldn’t help but laugh out loud… He said some straight up shit right then and I took it with a grin… What’s the difference in what Greta said to me? She spoke down to me. She argued with an already angry person. I felt attacked by her! What she said is right out of the big book… other than, “Girl, You need to get over yourself!”… But the rest of it is right out of the book… she just had the timing all wrong. She could have waited till I was calmed down enough to hear what someone had to say… and even NOW I don’t want to talk about no amends to my dad. I really don’t think I can work with her anymore. But we will see… |
| I decided not to allow anyone to view yesterdays blog entry and I’ll tell you why. I didn’t want to influence anyone’s Christmas day. I was so angry yesterday. I haven’t been that angry EVER in sobriety. I went to my Mom’s home on Christmas Eve. We opened presents, ate homemade Beef Stew, watched a movie. I had a good time hanging with mom and Mike. Mom said she has never seen me with so much peace before- said she could feel serenity fill her home when I walked in. She’s right… I have more peace within myself than I have ever! God is restoring me to sanity. Restoring? There is no restoring… I believe it is the first time ever in my life! I came home and set up my prayer chair. I have had this recliner in my livingroom for several years now. In fact, Shafter gave it to me. It has a built in massager and lot’s of little cubbyholes to store your books and stuff. I came home from mom’s and got it all set up as a prayer chair, a comfort zone, a safe place for me to do my studies, prayers and meditations. I have a special candle that I light when I’m ‘getting in the zone’, and just everything I need within arm’s reach. This is like a Christmas present to me from me! I’m please with it and I’ve been utilizing it, believe that! I woke up Christmas morning and made myself an awesome breakfast. Called my mom to tell her Merry Christmas, “You are eating Christmas breakfast ALONE?” she whines to me over the phone. Ok, this is it… It’s been bothering me for a while now that people feel it necessary to pity me because I am alone… I don’t need your pity, not even mom’s. I don’t have to be alone. No I could settle for just anyone, but I don’t want too! No, I’m kicking it with my God… I’m never really alone. Truth is… my cell phone blows up all day long from friends in recovery. I got places to go, I got people to see… I am ALONE by choice. * Gasp * I even like being alone! I could be in a room full of people and still FEEL alone if it wasn’t for my main man. On Christmas day, there were 24 hours of straight meetings, food and fellowship at my home group. I could go there… but I want to spend breakfast ALONE with my main squeeze. And it’s OK… Now that’s out in the air… I watched a DVD I have, “The Birth of the Messiah” and ate my breakfast through tears of joy and thanksgiving. Then fell asleep, stayed asleep ALL day long. I awoke close to 8PM, returned the calls I had missed… and decided I should call my Father … Our conversation did not go well at all. He had an attitude the minute I said hello to him. I had been reading over last year’s Christmas journal and I wasn’t feeling all that fond of him either… The following paragraph is taken from my blog last year: December 26, 2006 My visit with my dad wasn’t all that bad. When I pulled up at noon on Tuesday, I woke him up. That evening, they baked some chicken legs and we watched TV. The next morning, I planned on hitting the road but my dad got all whiny and said what your just going to stay one night? So I said, OK I will stay another and about an hour later, he fell asleep and slept most of the day , woke up at 6:00 PM that evening. But there was something about that experience that created the urge to use. I was sitting there on the sofa talking to my dad and flashbacks of being a kid came to mind and I was so glad that I wasn’t a child in his care any longer and that I had the freedom to drive away whenever I felt the urge. It was a feeling of almost being trapped in his presence and when I remembered, hell girl, your 30 years old got a car out in the driveway and a home in West Texas… it was like a huge relief. I can’t really put my finger on what it is about him that bothers me. I mean he has never lived up to my expectations, but because I am learning to not expect anything then it was a lot easier for me to just accept him for who he is. I heard once that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you think they should, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they have. So the meat and potatoes of it all: My father told me last year that his wife would build me a computer and they would send it to me. It never happened. My home PC is about to crash, still my monitor is screwed like I started complaining about months ago. I dropped my father’s wife an email about two weeks ago asking her if she is still interested in building me a PC? She never responded. I never thought anything more about it. When I called my father to wish him a Merry Christmas, he says to me, “I got your computer here. But I’ve done spent all the money I’m going to on you so you will have to figure out how to get it from Ft Worth to Odessa and you will also have to buy yourself the monitor, I can’t afford it…. Why don’t you ask your mother to kick some cash over so you can come to Ft Worth and get it? Tell her to get you a monitor also.” “Well, my mother has already given me her Christmas present so I will have to find another way. I’ll just have to get back to you when I have the means to get it.” He demands to know what she got me for Christmas. He is just being a fucking dick and I’m in no mood for it. I don’t even like that man. I wish him a Merry Christmas and I let him go… I’m angry. I want to call him back and tell him to shove that computer up his ass… but then it dawns on me… Skittles is in Ft Worth right now visiting with his family. I call my dad back and tell him that I have a friend in town that will swing by his place tomorrow (Wednesday) at noon to pick up the PC. My dad stutters, hesitates, chokes on his own words… “Uh… Uh… No, tell him to come by on Friday after lunch.” There is no computer for me at my father’s house. No, my dad is playing his damn games with me and I called his fucking bluff. Why? Why he thinks this is entertaining, I have not a clue… What was the point in all of it? I have no idea… I can only shake my red face in bewilderment. So then he starts talking… “Why are you so hostile with me?” He asks… “I’m wondering the same thing about you…” I respond “Well, why did you email Linda about that computer and not me? I’m your father.” “Because Linda is the one that said she would build it for me.” “Why didn’t you go to Grandma’s house like I asked you too?” “Because I shot dope and got drunk instead.” “Don’t you fucking talk to me with that attitude, little girl.” “You just tell me if my friend can come by and get this computer or not.” “NO!” There was much more to it but that’s the meat of it… My father is a miserable person and though it may not be visible through what I have written here I will not take myself back into the pain for the benefit of you understanding me… if you feel it necessary to judge me… well I’ll just add your name to the fucking list. My father refused to allow Skittles to pick up this imaginary computer for me. He also hung up on me. I called him back and left message on his voicemail saying I wouldn’t accept that computer if Santa Clause himself delivered it to my front door! I was so pissed… I am still very pissed off… It has nothing to do with the computer. This has been coming for so long. It’s just my cup overflowth. I can not; I will not… have relationship with this man any longer. I love my dad but I don’t like him. He is a health hazard to my recovery… I called my mom after hanging up with dad. I was furious. I then decided I needed to call my sponsor, so I dialed Greta’s number. I’m beyond mad… I’m just almost irate. This is years and years of pain coming to the surface. This computer, this bluff, this time is just the final blow for me, the one that knocks me out of the game… I try to tell Greta what is going on to the best of my ability at the time… Greta says to me: Way to go… Now you get to make amends to your dad. You enjoy taking his inventory instead of your own? You enjoy criticizing God’s handiwork? Your dad doesn’t owe you a computer! Girl, you need to get over yourself! She reminded me of the Devils Advocate! I shit you not! She had my dad’s back all the way! I didn’t want to hear nothing about making amends! I was mad! I let her go and I reached out to Sheree, my other sponsor. She told me to write out the anger… get to the fear behind it and then make an asset list. She also told me that she is proud that I’m angry because I have deep rooted issues that I keep buried and FINALLY this anger is coming out and thus healing will follow. This is what I wrote yesterday: I’m done with that man. The man that conceived me… he busted a nutt and thinks that I owe him something for it. Fuck that… I’m done with him. I’ve tiptoed around that fucker all I’m going too. I have tiptoed around him for the last fucking time. I’m done. I want nothing more to do with him. Every time I have ANYTHING to do with him I am left feeling worse than before. Fucking amends? I don’t want to talk about amends. Greta brings up fucking amends, fuck that… Now I’m fucking mad at her and him… Shows her fucking youth in the program bringing up amends to a pissed off bitch. Fuck that! Spiritual sick, yes I know he is sick! But that doesn’t make the way he treats me OK. I don’t have to tolerate the bullshit. I’m thirty years old and the man doesn’t do a fucking thing for me. I can’t tolerate his fucking belligerence anymore. I have no desire to allow him to abuse me any longer. It’s not my fault that he is a spiritually sick man! He is the dad, I am the daughter… now we are both adults and I have a CHOICE on who I allow in my life. This relationship with him is not healthy. Never has been and it never fucking will be! We just don’t get along. I wish that we did. I’m angry that he isn’t the father that I want or deserve. I’m finished trying to make him love me. I’m finished with his little fucking games… he says he is sorry for being a dickhead but nothing changes! He is still the same dickhead he has always been. Note to self: don’t tell your sponsee to take their own inventory and stop taking someone else’s when they are fist swinging mad! Tell them to write out their anger! Tell them to get to the fear behind it! Don’t tell them they are criticizing God’s handiwork! SHE made me want to get drunk! I think back over my life and I have nothing but painful memories from him. He has nothing to give me. Nothing inside of him, he is empty. I don’t think he is evil. God I hope he isn’t evil but there is nothing to him. He is an empty human being. All of my life he has abused me. All of my life I have tried to make him love me. Now, I don’t care. . God is taking care of him; I gave him to God just NOW… God is with him and I’m letting him go. I am physically sick over this. I am afraid that every man I ever know is going to treat me like this. I am afraid that this is all I deserve and that it’s all I’m ever going to get. And the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach… I called Greta this morning thinking bygones would be bygones. She had an attitude from hello and she asked, “So what did you do last night?” “I called Sheree and she told me to do this and this and that… “ “Oh, did you tell Sheree she was full of shit like you told me?” And there it goes… all over again… She says, “I suggest you don’t call your dad if he makes you feel that angry, You will not call me with that kind of attitude, You will respect me…” on and on and on… I told her, “I know I caught you off guard, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” “You can’t do shit to me! You can’t hurt me. You can’t make me mad! You fucking think you have that much power over people?” A drink started to look real good to me about this time… I hung up with her and called Sheree again. I took her out to eat breakfast and we talked. I am so red-faced, jaws clenched, neck and shoulder like a brick… Even NOW just thinking about all this shit… Sheree told me that Greta had called her this morning and Sheree told her about some of my history… told her that she thinks it’s good that I’m angry and telling everybody because I keep it hidden most times. Sheree also told me that Greta is young in the program, inexperienced but that she really does care about me and that she is doing her best to help me. Sheree says God put Greta and me together for a reason and she doesn’t want me to throw her out. Right now… I can’t talk to Greta. I can’t tolerate that belligerence from her… She reminded me so much of my father, the very thing I was seeking refuge from. I’m still so very angry… I’m sick to my stomach because of it… |
| Merry Christmas Eve! I went to sleep at 3AM last night, stayed up that late early wrapping presents. THEN I arose at my regular time of 6AM this morning. The smell of the Turkey in the oven brought a smile to my face first thing this morning. It smells so yummy in my home. I enjoy cooking and this is just another gift in recovery. There are lots of sober drunks that like to eat! I have often said how I wish everyone was an alcoholic so they could be introduced to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. It rocks! Truth is… the program works for anyone with any addiction, even soft addictions. It works if you work it… just so happens those of us that suffer from hard addictions such as drugs; alcohol, gambling etc… are of a hopeless variety. We are like drowning men reaching for a life preserver. We are BLESSED with two alternatives: One is to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we can; or to accept spiritual help. We have been given a new life just because we happened to become alcoholics. We certainly don’t deserve the new life that has been given us. There is little in our past to warrant the life we have now. Many people live good lives from their youth on, not getting into serious trouble, being well adjusted to life, and yet they have not found all that we drunks have found. We had the good fortune to find Alcoholics Anonymous and with it a new life. We are among the lucky few in the world who have learned a new way to live. ~ AA Thought for the Day (From the 24 Hours a Day Recovery Book) Maybe I’m off my rocker but I see things in a way I have never seen them before. For example: the Midol that mysteriously disappeared from my purchases yesterday. What are the chances that the ONE thing I made priority to purchase would be the ONE thing that didn’t make it home with me? I mean why couldn’t it have been the Scotch tape, or the Cinnamon Apple candle or even the dishsoap that happened to get lost in transition? Why the Midol? Following is what my reaction would have most likely been before: I would have been angry with the Clerk, I would have ranted and raved, called her every insult humanly thinkable… and ‘Why God WHY?’ You know I am hurting, You know I need those little pills… How could you let this happen? Why are you fucking with me? Oh this is just my fucking luck… Can’t a bitch get a break…? I’m going to the corner store and going to buy some beer… the Midol at the 7-11 is priced too high, the store I purchased it from is closed… so I’ll just drink my misery away… after all… I don’t deserve to be uncomfortable! I shouldn’t have to endure this shit! Life ain’t fair… And TOMORROW I’m going to raise some hell at the clerk… Not only did she leave my Midol out of my sacks, by GOD; I’m missing five other items! How will they ever know the difference anyway? I’m going to get double for my trouble, after all the damn store has more money than I do! Now here is the reaction I had yesterday: Sure, I moaned a bit… I searched endlessly and hoped like hell I would find that little box of relief. Once I realized it wasn’t going to happen, I just dealt! I took some IB’s… I put on some comfy clothes and I busied myself with what needed to be done. The thought even crossed my mind… Maybe God wants me to depend on Him to get me through my discomfort, maybe He is teaching me to NOT depend on medication (narcotic or not)… Maybe God wants me to focus on enduring through the pain instead of focusing so much on taking the discomfort away. After all… Jen, You witness Greta’s pain everyday… she has a bone disease, has had a liver transplant, and takes all kinds of medication that fights her illnesses but causes her MORE pain. Her skin cracks, her hair falls out… and here you are whining over PMS! Sure, I’m not going to discount my pain because I am one of every 20 that suffer from extreme PMS. I have hormone imbalances that kick my ass every month. In fact, every damn relapse I have had has been during PMS. So yeah, I’m not just being a tittie … I am hurting BUT it could be so much worse. I realized this last night and almost instantly I began to feel better. Interesting how when our mind changes so can our physical pains… Selfishness --- Self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self, which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. ~ Page 62, AA Big Book In every situation that I have been hurt by, I can see where I set myself up for it. Especially with the men situations I’ve gone through lately. I wanted and depended on men to give me my ‘fix’, each time putting my faith in THEM instead of the Higher Power and when they failed… And they always do and always will… I emotionally crashed. I made decisions based on SELF… I wanted to feel good, I wanted to feel desired, I wanted to control, I wanted to write the story… I was living on Self WILL run riot and invariably I was hurt in the long run because of my self-centeredness. My sponsor has me reading Page 25; Page 62 and Page 86 EVERY morning. And I DO IT … I tried this recovery thing my own way and it didn’t work… I learned the HARD way how important it is to take suggestions from those that have been there and even those that are still there. Every person we encounter teaches us something. Some teach us what we don’t want to be like but inevitably, every person I encounter daily is a teacher to me. Every situation I am faced with is a lesson. Even a silly ol’ box of disappearing Midol has something to tell me… I gotta go! Going to put on my Christmas dress, My Santa Hat… and me and this Turkey that’s been hanging around are going to the club! Merry CHRISTMAS!!!! |
| I took my bluetooth over to Greta’s house this morning. She has one and knows how to hook em’ up. Well we wrestled with it for an hour and I ended up calling Sprint – Customer Service, after getting through all the account bull, finally the Tech was able to hook me up. SO… I am officially one of those folks you see walking around talking to themselves all the time! My hair covers the earpiece so that makes me look even nuttier. Ah… well! I have been calling everyone I know and I have nothing to say! Just wanting to shoot the shit so I can use my new phone! I went to the mall and FINALLY found my mother the electric throw blanket that she asked Santa for! I had purchased an electric blanket at Wal-Mart the other morning and later realized that is NOT what she asked for. So I walked every store of the mall today until I found a pretty one. I got it at an awesome price too! Like $22 … it was on sale, originally marked $75, that ROCKS! I bought myself a kick ass purse; got huge rhinestones and gold fabric…it’s beautiful! I want a matching cigarette case and billfold but I ran out of money! Yeah! Well, you know the little booths set up in the middle of the mall? That’s where I got my purse, it was marked $70 but I got it for $30! I slapped on the sweetness… yes I did. I just finished stuffing a Turkey with fresh Parsley, Carrots, Celery, and Onion, soaked it with Lemon Juice and butter. I am roasting a Turkey for my Groups Christmas meal. I have cooked a Turkey once before but honestly, I’ve been high since then and FORGOT! So I consider this as my first time to cook a Turkey. I’m going to let it cook all night at 275 degrees. In Sobriety there are lots of FIRSTS… things that we’ve done a million times can be brand new in recovery. This Turkey confirms that little catch phrase I’ve heard through other members. I got a picture of me and my ex standing next to my first roasted turkey but to be honest… I don’t remember a damn thing about that Thanksgiving! But I have it written on the picture “My First Turkey” … that’s the ONLY reason I know! I spent a good hour standing in the refund/exchange line at Wal-Mart. I wanted to take back the electric blanket so I could get my mom a therapeutic pillow instead. I got my Step-dad a whoopee cushion, fake lottery tickets… lot’s of little gag gifts. My PARENTS ARE HELL TO SHOP FOR! They got everything they need… in fact; I called mom while I was shopping and asked about this… and that… “Got it… Got it… Got it…” She repeated with each of my suggestions… It’s frustrating to shop for them but you know I’m thankful… Damn thankful that I know my folks are blessed and in need of Nothing! This is a good thing. Skittles has a thing about saying “Big Money”… and it bothers me. I know he don’t have any unclean motives but he made a comment about how my mom is “Big Money” the other day and I snapped back, “She’s gotten up every day of her life and gone to work! Don’t mistake big money for easy money!” My mom has worked her ass off. I remember when I was a kid how she worked 12 hour days, came home cleaned a three bedroom home, raised two kids basically all by herself… My dad was a dead ass. He contributed very little to the home and family. My mother even mowed the grass! She’s a hell of a woman. She is the reason I am who I am…well, the good parts of me anyway. With the choices I have made in my past, with the wild careful character I naturally possess, if I hadn’t been given the foundation of strength, morals, love from her… I’d most likely spend the next thirty years pissing against the wind just as I have done during my first thirty years. Today was a better day… only one annoyance that really chapped my butt! I bought a box of Midol, $4 for 16 tablets! I get home and they are no where to be found. I search the car, the house… everywhere! I look on my receipt, I was charged for them. I find the items that were rang up next to the Midol and they are all in the sacks… Yep! Just the Midol is missing… grr… and I could sure use me a couple of 10! Hey … well if that’s the worst thing that happened to me today, I guess I’m doing all right. I have Christmas music on, Candles burning throughout my home, and I’m going to sit on the living room floor and wrap all these presents! Love you guys! The most important thing about Christmas is the first six letters. |
| What a ride I’ve been on! I clocked out of work Friday at noon with $1100 in my pocket. My Christmas bonus ROCKED! I flew to Midland picked up Skittles and we really had a good time. In fact, possibly the best time I have had with a man ever, before and after recovery. However! Those little annoyances are still after me! I’m being tested, taught, or possibly even attacked. I don’t know what the source is but there’s no doubt about it. Even Skittles couldn’t help but agree after witnessing my run of cumbersome situations. Not anything terrible, by no means… just little baby annoyances, which at one time lead me straight to the bottle. With $1100 in pocket it seems like the heat was turned up… one simple choice could change everything. I’m sober today… was sober all day yesterday… and chances are if I do tomorrow what I did today I’ll stay sober then too. Sober: sane or rational --- Not intoxicated or affected by the use of drugs --- Marked by circumspection and self-restraint --- moderate; not overdone or too emotional --- showing self-control --- Devoid of frivolity, excess, exaggeration, or speculative imagination; straightforward I had a craving for Chinese food. At one time my mother took me to this Chinese Restaurant in Midland and I wanted to take Skittles there to eat yesterday. I couldn’t remember the name of the place but I knew it was around the Midland Mall somewhere. We spent over an hour looking for this restaurant in Tall City, Texas. Midland is like a mini Dallas! The traffic is wild, the roads are hard to drive, and it’s a mess! BUT after over an hour of diligent persistence WE FOUND IT! Both of us had skipped breakfast so we was HUNGRY! We ‘skipped to my Lou’ right up into the restaurant… Happy, Joyous and Free! Our mission had come to a good end… We had made it to our destination! We go inside and Skittles orders coffee to drink, I order water. Waitress is a little Chinese doll with an abrasive personality, but hey… just adds to the atmosphere, we were just thrilled to finally be fixin’ to eat! “No creamer she says, you drink coffee black.” I swear she flexed her biceps as she said this… But Hey No Biggie! Lots of restaurants run out of creamer… no big deal, just bring us another water please. So we two-step right to the buffet, we look like kids in a candy store, wide eyed and ready! I scoop some sweet and sour pork onto my plate and take me a little bite of it and perform a taste test. * Jen curls nose * No good… cold, soggy, obviously been sitting there for a few hours. I call over the waitress… “Ma’am! Would ya put fresh food out for us please?” She calls over the owner… Owner says: “What would you like? Well, I’d like a little bit of all. Nothing on here is fresh or hot.” “Well, this is a buffet. You will not find a buffet that has hot, fresh and ready food at 2PM, but I will refry for you…What would you like me to warm up?” “I don’t want warmed up leftovers, I want fresh food.” I am polite in my demeanor but I’m matter of fact about it. I glance at Skittles for approval. He gives it. He don’t want no cold ass food either, nor refried old food. Yep, I’m holding back… anyone that knows me… can see it. I don’t want to embarrass my friend whom I’ve been looking forward to treating out to a meal for a week now but He shows his agreement. Owner says: “If you want fresh food, you must order off the menu.” Jen says: “We will go somewhere else. Thanks but no thanks…” Owner says: “That’s fine! No where in town is going to have a fresh buffet at 2PM.” Jen says: “I’ll take my chances!” That was just a blip of what I REALLY wanted to say. I told Skittles as we were exiting that I’m sorry but I’m not settling for that kind of service nor quality of food. I’m here to treat my friend to a Christmas meal and that’s not what I had in mind. He wasn’t happy with the service either and we laughed and poked fun at Chinese meanie all the way to “Cheddar’s”… A nice steak house in Midland. There isn’t one in Odessa so I was all about it. We pull in the parking lot; neither of us had been there before, SO ignorance can be an excuse! We walked through what we thought was the front door… but it landed us right into the steakhouse bar. Cigar smoke and the smell of whisky hit us smack in the face. We both looked at each other, raised eyebrows and said in unison… “We can’t eat in here.” Oh hell no… Not with $1100 in my pocket, shit we’d be drinking Tequila shots and Strawberry daiquiris in a matter of 8 seconds flat. So we push our way through the dim room full of mid day DRUNKS, I holler out to a passing waiter, “Where is the restaurant section?” He points me to the left… Toby Keith singing from the jukebox, “Let’s get drunk and be somebody!” Oh Dear God… So we stand at the “Please wait to be seated” sign for approximately 10 minutes, finally a server speaks to us, tells us there is a 45 minute wait for a table, something about silverware. We are famished, it’s now almost 3PM, neither of us have eaten today, and we are hungry, frustrated, perturbed, and got a pocket full of dough… bad combo… H- Hungry A- Angry L- Lonely T- Tired I am the weaker one in recovery between Skittles and I. I would have been drunk at this point. If I were a betting woman, I’d bet on it… but because I was plugged into the right source, I was with a strong member of the program, I leaned on him and believe me I was secretly waiting for the word from him… “Ah... Fuck it!” Let’s have a drink in the bar and wait for a table to come available. That’s all it would have taken at this point. We were faced with several options: Stand there, smell the food and watch the partiers in the next room as our stomachs screamed at us, or leave and try again. Well, We climbed back into my car, fought the mini Dallas traffic again, decided that the third time is the charm, “Logan’s Road House” is within eye’s view so we flip a bitch and try again. There’s a 10-minute wait says the hostess. I plop my exhausted ass down in the waiting area and get to rubbin’ on the worry stone I had in my jeans pocket. It reads: those who trust in the Lord for help… will rise on wings like eagles… If it wasn’t for the company I was in, chances are I would have drank on this day. Actually, there is no doubt within my mind. The real kicker is the fact that I don’t think I got another dry date left in me. If I can’t hang with it this round, I’m afraid I may just throw in the towel… and that would be even worse than the actual relapse, well if I live through it anyway. Finally we are escorted to a table… a table for two, about the size of a TV tray, but hell we was happy! They put a big basket of HOT freshly baked bread rolls between us with a big side of butter! Girl got some booty to keep healthy…we was singing praises! I ordered a $15 Ribeye Steak; Skittles orders a rack of baby back ribs. We want salads, appetizers, and bring me some more butter! We ordered so much food that we didn’t have room for it on our table! But we ate and were merry… Off to the Sprint store to get my cell phone! Woot! After sitting in a traffic jam for 20 minutes we pull up to the Sprint store and there’s a line all the way out the front door. We should be very careful of that which we ask for… Maybe the prayer I whispered last week, “God… teach me how to be like you…” is the very reason I’m subjected to such annoying situations! God uses fire to burn away our impurities sometimes. That just may be what the deal is… or hell it could be cause it’s CHRISTMAS and the world goes crazy at this time! Either way… we stood in the line a good hour or so… I’m singing “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” loud enough for the entire store to hear. In fact, a few kids and a man with a deep voice standing behind us started singing along too…. I’m making goo goo faces at the baby that is staring at me over the woman’s shoulder, in front of me. Skittles thinks I have lost my mind… “Girl you a trip!” Yeah… Sometimes we go to ANY lengths to keep our sanity! Right? Right… He said… And I got my phone! And I bought one of those Bluetooth wireless headsets so I can do my morning reflections with sponsor while dressing for the day. Only problem is I can’t figure out how to make the damn thing work! I’m quite cell phone illiterate. But that was today’s annoyance, not yesterdays… so let me get back to yesterday… I went to Barnes and Nobles for the first time ever in my life! We don’t have one here in Odessa so that was a treat! I bought myself a Starbucks coffee, White Chocolate Mocha with a shot of peppermint. I was feeling frisky! I also bought a nice little recovery meditation and thought for the day book and got my mom a few gifts. So we bail from Barnes and I crank up the RAP music. I don’t listen to rap much but I figured I needed to expand my horizons, so I rolled down the windows and jammed to some hip-hop! I was busting a move, rapping as I rolled! Rap with me a while... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qggGUiwg6pA We pulled into a fuel station to fill up and I go in and tell the clerk that he is filling me up. I’m standing there in the store…with two energy drinks and a supersize bag of Skittles for Skittles, I am WAITING for him finish fueling me up so I can pay out. I’m watching him through the glass and I see by his expressions and body language that the pumps ain’t on… so I make my first call from new cell phone to him and sure enough the pump ain’t on! “Ma’am! Would you please turn on the pump?!? We are filling up and I don’t know how much it will take!” “It’s Prepay and you will have to stay in the store while he fills it.” Oh Dear Mother of God… I didn’t say nothing but I did flex my biceps a bit… and gave that one eye squint look… A woman approaches Skittles at my car. I figure they know each other, I finally pay the dense clerk and join Skittles and strange woman in conversation at her car, which is next to mine. This woman is obviously high on dope. She has asked Skittles to pay for her some fuel. He agrees to put $10 in her tank but he told her he ain’t giving her cash but he will pump the fuel for her and pay for it. We spend a good 15 minutes debating with this woman. The gas tank cap is LOCKED and she doesn’t have the key. Interesting… she wants Skittles to break the cap and he refuses to do so. She gets irate and burns rubber out the fuel station parking lot. We sigh and say… But for the Grace of God… there go I We then headed back to Odessa to prepare for our speaker meeting at my home group. Skittles spoke at the podium and he ROCKED the house! He was a hit with the young guys in halfway house and rehabs… the flocked to him like he was Jesus! He’s story is very powerful and like Skittles told us all… “Man, if God can do it for me, He can absolutely do it for you! I was a hopeless case… Everyone had given up on me, but God knew what it would take and HE saw me through.” After the meeting we came back to my place, both of us ready to crash! It had been a long day. He gets a call from a girl he use to date. She had borrowed money from him yesterday and was calling to tell him he could come get it from her tomorrow. I get all bent out of shape about it. You still banging her? We ain’t married, we ain’t even boyfriend and girlfriend but I don’t want to catch nothing! I told you about John and that STUPID mistake, I expect you to be straight up with me too! He said they are not… but I didn’t believe him and I said so… I also told him that if I find out he isn’t being truthful to me … it’s going to hurt more than just our friendship. It’s going to HALT my ability to trust men period! I told him that he is the ONLY man I feel I can trust right now and if I find out that he isn’t being real with me… it’s going to damage ME maybe even beyond repair.Yeah… I said this to him… Then I felt like a real shithead. How selfish can one girl be? To put that weight on the shoulders of a man that has been nothing but a friend to me. He isn't responsible for my recovery and for me to say that to him was shitty. I apologized today… for whatever that’s worth. He has such a calmness that only comes from Tears of BLOOD through Christ… that maybe the only reason he is capable of letting my spiteful remarks slide off of him. He didn’t even get angry, he just kept telling me that he would be real with me. I don’t know if I believe him or not… but that’s something inside of me… it’s not because of anything he has done. When we look back over our drinking careers, we must realize that our lives were a mess because we were a mess inside. The trouble was in us, not in life itself. Life itself was good enough, but we were looking at it the wrong way. We were looking at life through the bottom of a whiskey glass, and it was distorted. We could not see all the beauty and goodness and purpose in the world because our vision was blurred. We were blind then… but NOW we can see. ~ AA thought for the day --- 24 Hours a day book, December 22nd reflection. I woke up at 3AM this morning and I wanted to go to Wal-Mart before the crowds got there. Skittles obliged and so we went shopping. I bought all kinds of breakfast stuff so we could cook and have a good breakfast but we decided to run a few other errands before cooking… I took Skittles to Midland to pick up a rental car for him to drive to Dallas tomorrow and spend the week with his family there for Christmas. Midland is 20 miles, we get there and he doesn’t have the key to his apartment, he left them hanging on the key rack at my place. So we have to come back to Odessa and then go back to Midland, it turned out to be an all day battle to get this rental car for him. Just like yesterday… it was 3PM before we had breakfast. Tedious, annoying, nerve wrecking little crap! I burned up half a tank of gas running him all over the place, didn’t get no Christmas shopping done like I needed to do… but you know what… it’s ok! He offered to give me money for fuel but I don’t need it. Money isn’t my problem… I need PRAYER and maybe a Midol. I think it’s that time again… Oh Dear God… God Grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change. The COURAGE to change the things I can… And the WISDOM to know the difference. |
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