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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation --- some fact of my life --- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s World by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfections, just as I did. AA and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God. ~ Acceptance was the Answer, Page 417 – AA Big Book Man was I in a bad state of mind yesterday. I tried to sleep but all I could do was run through my mind everyone and everything that is to blame for my case of the red ass! Finally, I screamed out to myself… “NO!” forced myself up and got my home organized, wrapped a gift I bought for my cousins little girl for my mom to take to Amarillo today, fetched water, prepared for tomorrow which is today… called and reached out to some people in the program and cracked open the big book to the above page as I drank a cup of hot sleepy time tea. Giggle bumps… I slept peacefully. I awoke this morning to more tests! I called Greta at our scheduled time and no answer, I called and called, three, four, five times… no answer! Finally on the sixth attempt to call her, she answered… said she was on the other line with Pam. I felt my ass begin to burn again. We have our schedule, 6AM!! “Well, if I had known you were on the other line, I wouldn’t have called like I did… I figured your phone was messing up again!” I wanted to just tell her I needed to go and get ready for work, I was offended that she couldn’t click over and tell me she was on another call! But I got over it… and we had our morning reflection. I then headed off to work… caught every red light in town. I swear I sat at one for at least five minutes. I had to say the Serenity Prayer over and over… my ass was burning again! I was late when I left my home! Now I’m doubly late… Well I have to run this gift for cousin’s baby girl to my mom’s before darting off to Midland after work, so I carried it with me this morning… It’s a cheerleader baby doll and as I carried her out my thumb finger nail punched right through the wrapping paper!  Grrrrrrrrrr… I really need to focus on just accepting the little annoyances that life brings! What can I do? Go get drunk? Be miserable for all of my days? I don’t wanna do either! So what’s the answer? Acceptance. Like bugzy is baaaccck!!   says... I'm going to enjoy Christmas, LIFE, sobriety... EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Tonight’s meeting topic was “Moments of Clarity” or Spiritual awakenings… Uh… Today was neither for me. I was in a fairly good state of mind this morning. I saw a switch in my mood when I walked into the break room to Carla whispering to Eve, then they exit since I walked in and continue whispering in the front office. This is one of the many reasons I don’t like Carla. She is just so vindictive, two-faced… oh the list could go on… but why should it bother me? Why should I even care? I have nothing to hide. If she is gossiping about me… And of course it’s all about me! says my self seeking, egotistical mind set…  … well, even if it is … it’s untrue whatever it may be because I haven’t done anything wrong. So why do I let it change my day? Why do I even care? I’m so burned out on my POE that I’m miserable. Maybe it’s just time for a break? Maybe I need to move on? Maybe I’m just sick and tired and have zero tolerance? Maybe I’ll have a brand new outlook after these two weeks off? Maybe then I can make a decision. A note left by landlady tells me my rent is going up $25. I planned on moving by the time a new lease came around. BUT There is no where to move! This town is booming and there are but few homes for rent or sale! I feel stuck… but I got till January 31st. Well, actually if I am going to move I have to put in a thirty day written notice on December 31st. I’m baffled… but I know an answer will come. First things first… Tonight, I need some rest! Still tired… but I’m physically feeling much better. Thankful for that… I have had planned since last week to go get me a cell phone this payday. I’m going to get my landline disconnected and just use the cell. I haven’t really needed a cell much in the past and thus never made it priority, but I miss so many calls because I am seldom home. Soon I will be sponsoring again; I will need to be available. And for now I just think it’s a wiser choice. Well I talked to Skittles about my plan of purchasing one this weekend and he asked if I just wanted to join in on his phone plan, get a free phone and split the monthly bill in half. This means, no down payment for the service, no purchasing a phone since this plan he has is like a family plan type thing…whatever… so yeah, I’m all for it. Tomorrow he and I will go to Sprint and hook me up. Then I’m going to take him out for Chinese food in Midland. There is this awesome Chinese restaurant that I love there and THEN he is going Christmas shopping with me at the Midland Mall. And we also talked about going to the drive in movie theatre that is between Midland and Odessa; I have never been to a drive in movie theatre! I wanna go! I want to see the new movie with Wil Smith “The Legend”… but I think we will run out of time since he is scheduled to speak at the podium here at my home group tomorrow night. He stayed over last night. I have a huge king-size bed; two people can sleep on it without ever touching! Well… during the middle of the night I woke up and was cold so I came in the living room to shut the patio door, It’s dark… I can see but a little… but of course I know the path through my living room. Well, I forgot he was here really… He doesn’t snore, he took my “No Snuggling” request to heart and I just forgot about him! Well he got up to pee about the time I was turning the corner back into the bedroom and OMG I screamed bloody murder! A terrifying scream that most likely woke all my neighbors! I thought I was had… I shit you not. Bless his heart, He jumped almost a foot in the air then came running towards me, hugging me, telling me he was sorry, he should have spoke to me before just running into the bathroom like that. I was so shook up! I was trembling! My heart was pounding! Gawk… he spooked me! I just forgot anyone was here! Of course that wasn’t his fault… just a freak out moment for me. I noticed after that he did start up with the snuggling thing again. You know some people are just clingers when they sleep. He is one of them. So was my ex husband… they just like to be snuggled up to a warm body. I prefer to be snuggled up to my cold but soft and fluffy frogger! I got a little pissy about it cause at 4AM I’m damn tired and it just makes me uncomfortable when someone is all lying up in my ass! I can’t move, feel like I can’t breath… and I snapped at him and he got back on his side of the bed. This sounds mean huh?! It’s just the way I am… Sure I like to snuggle when the time is right (naughty wink) but when I’m trying to sleep I want to sleep DAMMIT! My ex husband would take it personal and put a guilt trip on me for not being a snuggler… Well… Phewwy on that, some folk are some aren’t, it doesn’t make me a mean person! Does it?  No. He didn’t get upset. He has a very calm, collective, passive personality… he is the only man in my life right now that I feel like I can trust. I told him that last night too. I bought my mother a $75 toothbrush today! Well, actually my step-dad’s money bought it for her. It’s what she told him she wanted! One of those Sonic Care electronic toothbrushes that have a timer and all kinds of stuff on it. She’ll end up taking it back as soon as she finds out how much it cost… if I was a betting woman… I have nothing more to say about this torturous day… the best part of it was listening to this song first thing this morning on my way to work: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bo-diCSJ3Co So this week has been a test… it’s not often that we have a testimony without a test… I am so grateful for where I am right now. So glad I’m not back there anymore. I wouldn’t trade my worst today for the best of yesterday… No… I’m right where I need to be. I think I just had my first “Moment of Clarity” for this day… Thank GOD! I’ve needed that fix all day! Actually I NEED to be in BED, I’m dog tired… Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day! Kiss ME nighty night! |
| I tossed Whitney Houston out my car window yesterday morning. That’s relapse music for me. I just feel so womanly drinking my wine, listening to Whitney sing about where broken hearts go… and then when I get a good buzz I flip to #10 and check into her Heartbreak Hotel… Here I sit… trying not to cry, asking myself WHY… You do this to me… THEN when I get good and drunk, I usually get mad so I flip over and listen to her singing how it’s not right, but it’s ok, I’m gonna make it anyway… close the door behind you, leave your key, I’d rather be alone then unhappy! You know, during this last relapse, I found myself searching for that CD in my console before I EVER even poured the first drink… but I knew it was coming so I was getting ready! Triggers… Memories… Out with the old… She’s been in my Car CD player since my last relapse, yesterday morning the radio wasn’t playing what I wanted to hear so I hit the play button on CD and she started singing a relapse into my mind. Immediately I ejected the CD and used it as a Frisbee across the Hwy… was quite liberating, honestly. I was in sad shape this morning. I heard my alarm go off but I could not get myself out of the bed. I shut off the screamer and laid my head back down. Then Greta calls me for our usual morning reflection. I answered the phone and man I was dazed and confused. I’m usually a very decisive person. This morning I reminded myself of a young child or either an elderly person that was lost and alone and just couldn’t function. There was but little hot water in the shower. Obviously the maintenance guys had to shut it off due to a leakage somewhere. This happens often… but I forced myself to bathe in the little bit of hot water I had. My Morning Prayer consisted of three words: GOD HELP ME… I couldn’t even find the energy to brush my hair. I blow dried half-assed and ran my big shower comb through it, threw on some sweat pants, a T-shirt, THICK socks… can’t have those cold toes today… and my flannel jacket. No makeup… well, a slapped my face with my powder puff a few times which is equal to no makeup in my mind. I started my journey out my front door, down the stairs and towards the car. I stepped wrong somehow and lost my footing, almost tumbled down the stairs outside my apartment.  Grabbed hold of the side railing to catch myself and ripped off three fingernails. I guess that was better than smashing my face down 12 steps… (I have counted them several times when I crawled them) how cool… I just put 12 and 12 together… 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous Vrs. The 12 steps I use to crawl home. What a trip! Anyway… the day started out pretty rough. I went to work, looked around and considered the idea of pulling shit of the walls and going ballistic. I have this lit up reindeer sitting next to my desk and someone turned him around to where his butt is sticking out and damn that chapped my ass! I fancied the idea of throwing him across the room… no this wasn’t good and not normal for me. I’m not a violent person… not at all. I’m just a big ass wuss when I am sick. I just don’t have the strength it takes to deal with the stress and personalities of my POB today. I came home about 8:30 this morning. Told Cindy I just can’t hang… I can’t function. I’m glad I did… I feel relaxed here at home. I vacuumed, did a few dishes, changed the sheets on my bed, and cooked myself some lunch, lit a few candles, made a fresh pot of coffee, and dusted off the oscillating fan in my bedroom! Now there is actually air circulating through it! The activities made me feel better, boosted my energy level and just the organization of my home helps me out so much… but now I’m crashing again. Sleepy… I’m a big sleepy head… Whatever I got is now in my tummy… the cramps are miserable and the gurgling sounds coming from down there would scare a child! I’ve been in and out of the potty room all day… no way I could be at work in this condition. Well, I could but damn it would suck! I called Skittles and asked if he wanted to come over this evening and hang out for a bit. I’m feeling lonely, craving some man attention. Skittles is the nicest guy I have ever met, in recovery and before it. Sure, he ain’t pure… who is? But he showing me what to expect from the men that I let in my life. I’m going to cook us something to eat and I’m hoping we can have a meeting of two. I need it. I don’t have the energy to go to the club. Skittles has a cold too so I told him we can be sick together, I’ll crank up the humidifier, bust out the vaporub  and we can lay up in the bed and watch some TV. I did tell him about my annoyance of his snuggling. I’m just not the snuggling type. I’m not use to it. I’ve been alone to long and it’s like I can’t breath when someone is sleeping so close to me. He said he wouldn’t be all snuggling up on me… I asked him to bring me some ice cream on the way over too. He is scheduled to speak this Friday night at my home group. My sponsor asked him to stand at the podium and share his story. I did not even know till I saw his name on the board and asked her if that’s Kenneth from Midland? Yep… Very cool! He is a great story -- one that will offer a lot of hope to the men that are in the same position he was three years ago. I’m looking forward to it… gonna wear my sparkly Santa hat too!  I was gonna cook but you know Church’s Chicken sounds better! Be a lot easier too… gotta see what the pocket book has to say about it first though. I’m going to go soak in the tub, shave they pits and legs… lotion down and just enjoy this day… and try the work thing again tomorrow. Resentments are my number one offender. I find myself engulfed with resentments right now. The fact is PEOPLE SUCK! But the fact is there’s good in everyone too… I’m going try to focus more on the good and disregard the bad; this includes within myself too! I got to thinking earlier… if God uses the same measure of judgement on me as I sometimes use on others… I just might fry…  I need to get plugged into the right source, practice what I preach… I do love you all… and I’m so grateful I have you all to write too…  |
| I’m fighting it… I left work at 2PM today. Came straight home, called Greta, told her I was going to take a nap, wasn’t sure if I would make it to the 5:30 meeting, I laid my head on the pillow at 2:15 and was out like a Boy Scout. I’m woke up at 9PM. I could still sleep… I didn’t want to get up but since my glow it the dark alarm clock is dead; I wasn’t sure what time it was and knew the alarm wasn’t set. I figured it was almost time to wake up for work… However! Glad to know I can get some more sleep before starting another day. There’s no doubt I’m fighting the beginning stages of the flu. This is cool because I see that my immune system is kicking ass! Fighting a damn good fight… My biggest compliant is fatigue and body aches. Every now and then I feel the fever kick in, start getting this extreme headache. The exhaustion is just unbearable and I got to lay my head down at times. So I take a large dose of Vitamin C. Keep lots of fluids going in me, eating makes me feel better for a while to. It’s like I’m swinging on a child’s swing-set! Up Up UP… and I feel ok… then down, down… down… and I feel extreme misery… gut wrenching back and leg muscle spasms… total exhaustion. I came home today during the lunch hour and took a hot shower! My little toes were freezing all day long! My right leg kept spazzing out on me… I could take it not! That shower helped a lot and I felt good till about 2 when I decided to hell with this bullshit… I’m going home and going to sleep! And I did… I now want to do it again… as I write this I’ve gone down… down… down… I don’t handle being sick very well… but at least I know what it is, there have been times when I was physically sick and I chalked it off as weakness or just ignored it, so it’s nice to know what it is that’s kicking my ass and that it will pass… eventually! MORE sooner than later! Bank on it… People disappoint me. So what’s new? One mistake I feel I have made is by being to ‘open’ for suggestions. SOME folk are damn good at getting up on the pedestal and telling you just exactly what they think YOU should be… If only they would spend half that amount of time working on themselves… then they just might have something to say that’s worth listening too. I’m not making time for that bullshit no more…I’m shutting it down… I’m putting first things first… and uh… your feelings just ain’t top on my list no more… I say “Your” but I am speaking in general… I’m talking to the folk I work with, the men that pursue me into the gates of insanity …chances are if you think I’m speaking to you… I most likely am, but in general… I’m washing my hands of the bullshit. You want to act like a sponsor to me? I demand that you HAVE a sponsor and be working the steps. If that be the case… chances are you won’t be shitty and insulting to another person… you’ll be loving them… sometimes tough love is all that will suffice but love will ultimately be the center. You want to preach to me about God? I’m all about it… But within a few minutes I am capable of recognizing rather you even know what you are speaking about… rather or not you are even connected to the RIGHT source. I’m not going to just “humor” you anymore. No, my ears and eyes are my OWN and I get to choose what goes in them and what is denied access. But you know what my biggest concern is about this? Not everyone has the spiritual knowledge I have acquired through tears of BLOOD… I FEAR for the one’s that you are misguiding with your arrogance and pray that the HARM you cause will be short lived and QUICKLY the Grace of God will step in on their behalf. To walk away from something feeling worse (drained) more than you did when you began it… is called a dead work = Works that ain’t working. What’s the saying about a dead horse? Whooping a dead horse… something like that… it’s a waste of time! It serves no good purpose for me or the dead thing that I keep burning my energy up on. I’m letting the dead bury themselves…and I’m moving on. What are some dead works in my life? Well, the latest and most quick to come to mind… John. I got a little better today. I realize it ain’t him that I’m so mad at cause to be honest, I don’t care enough about him to be so mad at him. I’m mad at ME. Mad that I put myself in the position to be mistreated and I am whisky bent and hell bound on never doing that again! Ok… No whisky … just bent and bound even unto the gates of hell… . I keep remembering stupid shit like while he and I were both smoking out that pipe he kept mentioning how my TV could be a good trade off for another rock. Well at that time I was all for it… all I cared about was keeping the high, the only reason I still have both my televisions is because the dopeman turned them down. Well, then the next morning he asked if HE could have one of my televisions. Uh… No. Just little shit like this keeps running through my mind and confirms that this guy is a fucking lowlife bastard but hell I already knew that before. Ain’t no use in playing stupid after the fact… I’m mad at me and I still think he is a sorry bastard… BUT he is a sorry bastard that I got to co-exist with and he ain’t so bad to work with… as long as it stays all about business. I’m hoping he don’t come back after the Christmas break. He’s been saying he was going to leave at the first of the year and move to Ft Worth where his family is… I’m holding on/ hoping for and blissfully expecting him to not come back at the beginning of the year. Which he did tell me that he could be convinced to stay… but this was back when we were kicking it, I don’t think I’m much convincing of that now… Oh… I have always been easy to read through my actions and expressions. He figured out yesterday that I wasn’t just mad… I think he realized I just don’t like his sorry ass cause he stopped fucking with me like he had been. Yesterday after noon I saw the difference in him, he finally figured it out and he backed the hell off. I have been cold, detached and have ignored his every attempt to get a rise out of me. This isn’t like me… I’m actually easy to get a reaction from, he has even said so himself… well not no more. That’s the way it is… I’m MAD at ME for the stupid fucking positions I put myself in… I don’t like his sorry ass and I will not allow myself to be degraded, disrespected, criticized or belittled… by NO sorry ass shit head… at work, in a meeting, online, NO WHERE! Examples... Yesterday at a meeting… Justin was next to me in his wheelchair. First off… throughout the entire meeting he would make snide remarks, criticizing the person that was speaking. This was done under his breath… only I was able to hear the shit he said… and each time he would say something I felt this surge of heat run through me… I was getting mad. I don’t get a thrill from belittling someone. I don’t get OFF on making myself superior to another through shitty ass remarks. I don’t appreciate him subjecting me to his OBVIOUS ignorance either. But I didn’t say anything… I showed no response. I didn’t laugh, I didn’t chuckle. I didn’t say or do anything… halfway through the meeting he asked me to go fix him a cup off coffee. I looked at him like he was fucking crazy… but I didn’t say nothing, I’m thinking, FUCK… Can’t a bitch get an AA meeting? I didn’t come here to wait on this crippled motherfucker; I came here to find some damn sanity. Had it been a drink of water… or a trip to the rest room he was in need of, I may have understood more, but honey a cup of coffee ain’t no damn necessity. You are going to disrupt MY meeting because you want a taste of coffee? It was beginning to show … but I didn’t say nothing, I did get up and get him some coffee after the person speaking had completed. So then after the meeting, he tells me how he needs for me to ride with him to his Probation officers on Wednesday so I can push him in to report. Ok. FINE… I can do this, and then he tells me he needs a box of food. FINE… come on in the food bank and I’ll give you a box of food. NO he wants me to fill out the paperwork, bring the box of food out to his car etc. etc… What? I said something at this point… This is MY JOB… I am not going to get you a box of FOOD dishonestly from my place of business. If you need assistance, you will go through the same fucking channels that everyone must go through! He gets all shitty and asked Greta (my sponsor) if she is witnessing my behavior? Greta put him in his place and she did so without skipping a beat. I don’t remember what she said but he damn sure didn’t say nothing back to her. What’s my point here? Well besides that I’m resentful towards Justin NOW! Gawd! It’s a never-ending battle that I face… but I’m also seeing the truth. Here’s the deal; Justin makes it well known he is interested in me. Know what I figured out through this ordeal? If I were to get involved in a relationship with Justin … this is what I have to look forward to! A lifetime of catering to HIS fucking needs and wants. It never ONCE crossed his mind that I was at that meeting to save my fucking life… No, it appears he thinks I am there to laugh at his stupid arrogant insults to unsuspecting people pouring their hearts out in the room… to make him cups of coffee… and to disrespect, dishonor or be dishonest with my place of business to do HIM a fucking favor. Fuck that! Friendship with such a man doesn’t even strike my fancy… Ok, so Kenneth #2… Not Skittles but another Kenneth that has been calling me none stop since I met him a month ago… What does the future hold? Well, the fact is… he immediately began pursuing me when he saw me. It has NOTHING to do with WHO I am… it’s all about what I LOOK like to him. So… What does the crystal ball say? When another Blondie walks by that looks better than me… he will be off and running! It ain’t about WHO I am that attracts him, it’s how I would make him LOOK in front of other people. FUCK THAT! I imagine there is more awaiting this blessed future with Kenneth #2 but I haven’t taken the time to get to know him to find out! No, I saw right through his bullshit from day one. It’s quite evident how a man will treat you in the long run by how he treats you when you first begin to know him. If he talks to you like you’re shit when you’re just friends… IMAGINE how it will intensify if the relationship were to grow into something more…. Yeah, Well fuck that! The FACT IS.... The fact is… I am fully capable of paying my own bills. Fully capable of living without a man and I’m not settling for some bullshit that is only going to add to my problems. I got my GOD and I got Double D Batteries… I ain’t settling… even if it means I will NEVER have a family or children… that’s ok, I’ll be alright with it… may not LIKE it but I’ll be alright with it. The fact is… God will give to me the desires of my heart. There is absolutely no doubt about it… I’ve just got to learn to love ME enough to not tolerate such treatment from anyone! As so God desires… *** For the last week --- Every TIME I turn on the car radio this song is playing... In the morning, at lunch, On the way HOME from work... I SHIT YOU NOT... I think someone is trying to tell me something http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hs5ExzpwEE4 |
| I’m in a war! A battle with the beginning stages of the flu! Body is weak and achy. I’m just so darn fatigued. Moods are swinging. I’ll feel good one minute and miserable the next. My back and shoulders hurt SO badly but the IB’s make it bearable. I’m an addict; I don’t take the recommended dose! But it’s OK cause when I had surgery my doctor told me not to take the recommended dose but triple it! He created a monster… No… he just put it in my head that it’s ok… Well… It ain’t like I get a buzz off the shit but it does make the back and shoulder spasms less painful, not numb, like I was hoping but bearable. I stocked up on airborne today… which my mother is a huge fan of. I noticed that when I started to drag and after I took my vitamins, a couple aspirins and drank a Powerade Sports drink… I felt recharged. So this will be the main agenda tomorrow… Boosting up my immune system when it starts to lag. I am prepared for battle… Damn! IT feels good to say that! That is so NOT like an alcoholic! Many times we live for the moment and kill the PAIN now without a thought of how it will affect tomorrow. Yesterday I have to say… I let myself THINK that maybe a little loritab would just be OK…for a split second that thought crossed my mind. I don’t do PAIN! I hate suffering! I was in such misery that I might have very well taken one of them little bastards had one been at my disposal. That would have created a spree… There is absolutely no doubt in my mind. But it didn’t happen…I didn’t take one… for whatever reason, who cares… yesterday is dead and gone… I made it through a miserable weekend of emotional, physical and mental torture! And I made it through sober! I wore my Goddess dress today. I’m not sure if I liked the way it felt on me or not… I kind of looked like an Indian woman with blonde hair. I should have carried my dreamcatcher around with me for an accessory. I got pulled over on my way to the store after work. A WOMAN cop! She was just checking me out cause I wasn’t breaking no law. Said my license plate LIGHT was out but let me go with a warning after checking my driver’s license and insurance. That would have been a trip to the jail house about a year ago… a DWI. Yep, sure woulda! But for the Grace of God… there go I I found out today that I will have a nice good Christmas bonus on Friday! The highest bonus allowed is 5% of your yearly income, she gave me 4%. I didn’t think this was all that great, I figured most everyone got all 5% so I was kind of whining and bitching, told Eve and she instantly got stern faced and turned red! Said she was given 2%. Now, I feel like a real shit for even talking to other employees about the bonus. I’m trying to forgive… it’s not coming easy at all… I never even made eye contact with John today. Never even acknowledged his existence and really I didn’t mean to act that way towards him, it’s just all I could do. Tomorrow I’ll lighten up. No, I wont be picking, playing and having a good time with the ol’ boy but I’ll let bygones be bygones cause it ain’t like I can click the X and get him out of my view. I have to be civil to the man because of our ties through business. I have to respect him and his right to be at my place of business but I damn sure don’t have to go out of my way and be my sweet lovable self towards someone that fucked up with me, beyond reconciliation. I’m a forgiving person… but right now I can’t. Maybe it’s a stage in my recovery… Maybe I’ve just had all I can fucking take from the male gender. But I can treat him as a CO- worker… CO--- equal… but I damn sure ain’t going to tolerate some of the old shit like … coming to me for phone numbers when he can look them up his damn self. Asking me to call agencies when it’s HIS fucking job to do so. Coming to me to create signs, lists, charts when the shithead needs to get some damn computer skills and do his own job. OR get his married girlfriend to do it for him… That will be a sight to see since she asked me to write her RESIGNATION letter to another company cause she can’t even open up WORD. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ul3mxG1-Qs Anyway… meaningless… all of the above… I’m going to bed… 4 more days till I’m out of that mess for two weeks!!!!! Nighty Night… |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here I am sitting at work surrounded by board members, the Major and a man that donated $50,000 to the food bank. I just wanna reach in there and fluff my hair! Bad hair… bad hair… ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here my boss lady is standing next to the donor. Yep! Very cool dude… Again, another lovely shot of my hair! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And more of the same, don’t look at my dirty desk! Isn’t my boss lady just lovely?! … Yep. I hope all of you have a wonderful day… I’m doing my best to! Even my bad days ain't that bad... |
| Can’t a bitch catch a dream? * throws arms in the air * Penny gave me this huge dream catcher. It is beautiful. I have been wrestling with it for the last hour. I wanted it to hang directly above where I sleep. Yeah well… We don’t always get what we want. I don’t think there is a piece of wood in the freaking ceiling above my bed… This is good news… I hammered my thumb till it turned blue, got the texture from the ceiling all in my eyes and on my freaking sheets, went irate with the hammer…. I’d a scared somebody if anyone had saw me. I can see it now--- A horror movie in the making… Finally I settled on hanging the dreamcatcher on the WALL by my head. I hope it still catches a few… I ain’t doing so good this weekend… and it ain’t cause I haven’t fucking tried… I give myself an A for effort. I been praying, I been pleading the blood, I been on my knees, I been forgiving, I been asking to be forgiven, I been meditating, I been setting it all in Jesus’ big ol’ hand, I been speaking the Word, I been bustin’ a nutt, I been taking hot showers, I been swallowing my vitamins. I have been doing all I know to do… All that’s left is to Stand … All kinds of changes are going on in me. I’m angry… and I’m setting boundaries. The people in my life will respect them or they will exit… It’s time I start loving on myself. I’ve invested way too much time during my life trying to make folk respect me. It’s time I start respecting myself… I don’t look forward to this week at work. One more week till I am out for Christmas vacation for 10 days! If I can just make it through this week without knocking some man upside the head then I’ll be ok. Bless it or Block it I’ve got to focus on keeping personal and business separate. I’ve got to realize that them people up at that warehouse can’t make or break me. I am so fucking angry with John … and I know why. For one… Who does he think he is talking to me like that? Fuck him! Inside it’s bringing back all those old memories of Randy and that situation. I swore I would never feel that way again. I loved Randy and he ripped my heart out of chest! I allowed him too! NEVER again… But this thing with John is bringing all that back to the surface. In my mind, it is Randy hurting me all over again. But in the same thought I catch myself wanting to run to Randy for protection. John ain’t even half the man he fucking was… John is a boil on my fucking ass. I can’t fucking take it! Not now! Not when I’m trying to keep from going insane already. It’s just a hard time for me… My back and shoulders have spasmed all weekend long. I’m just angry… and I have that right. I’m allowed to be angry. I don’t have to stuff it, drown it, ignore it, fight it, or justify it… IT is what IT is… I’m glad this happened with John. It came to me last night as I cried, screamed, threw shit and finally just put myself in a fetal position and lay helplessly… There is no damn way this man will ever be allowed close enough to hurt me again! So you see he just saved me possible relapses… lot’s of hurt and who knows what else… Because the way he did me Thursday afternoon INSURED that HE will NEVER be close enough to inflict pain on me. He just shut the door of my friendship, my respect, my love, IN Fact… he just put me into a state of practicing ‘detachment’…And I’m not going to do it shitty… but you can damn sure bet it will get done. There is NO possible way we will ever be tight again like we use to! NONE… and I will damn sure not go out of my way to help him EVER again… Work or personal… I’m thankful it happened… God works in mysterious ways. Everywhere I go… There I am… That leads me to believe that I need to make damn sure I am taken care of… that’s what I been doing wrong all this time. When I worked on my assignments from my sponsor and wrote down the five worst things I have ever done…know what I realized? The five worst things I have EVER done have been to MYSELF. I have inflicted more PAIN on ME than I have ever done to anyone else. Aside from cheating on my husband… the rest of the list was all SELF-INFLICTING PAIN. That ain’t no way to live… Greta told me some things on Friday that really stick to me… If a man makes you feel uncomfortable, he is disrespecting you… and you do not have to allow it. You do not have to laugh and pretend that you like it. You do not have to disrespect yourself because some prick thinks it OK to disrespect you. It’s OK to tell them you don’t appreciate it. And it’s OK to shut the door and not allow that shit to happen again. I know that no one is pure, we all make mistakes and yep I am capable of forgiving, I have already forgiven JohnBOY and in time my feelings will catch up to my decision… but the fact is… HE IS OUT like a SCOUT… Same with them shitheads up at the Club that ain’t go no respect for my recovery. They know how this shit goes. They know we are playing with each others lives… and if they can’t respect me enough to leave me the fuck alone, then I will MAKE them respect me by not being around them to know otherwise. I may not know what God desires for my life… I may not know just exactly what His will is… but I know what it’s NOT… and I ain’t settlin’ for anything less than everything! This dude keeps calling me. I ain’t answered the phone all day long, why don’t he just leave a message and let me return his fucking call when I am ready! NO… He want’s to PUSH Himself on me and I ain’t having it! I’m done with this Mr. Nice Guy Bullshit… If you can’t respect me than get the fuck out of my view… I have no time for it. Yeah… I’m angry… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjBrZ8L2Z5Q It’s my life and it’s mine to MAKE! |
| Trust has certain identifying characters: Trust is not upset, because it has entered into God's rest. Trust is not confused, because it has no need to lean to its own understanding. Trust does not indulge in carnal reasoning, it lets God be God. Some trust in and boast of chariots and some of horses, but we will trust in and boast of the name of the Lord our God. —Psalm 20:7 "I trust in the Lord with all of my heart and mind. I will NOT rely on my own insight or understanding." I have repeated the above sentence till it is almost as easy to say as it is to breathe. BUT saying it and DOING it are so different. I’m real good at saying what needs to be done, doing it doesn’t come so easily. My own insight or understanding…. But wait, that’s crazy to not rely on my own insight or understanding… or is it not? My own insights tell me to run shit over and over in my head until I find a solution, I seldom do… in fact I find myself hopelessly turning to GOD for help. So… Why not just skip all the bullshit and cut to the quick of it… Trust in GOD first… shut down that broken record in my head. I’ll give it a whirl… I just took a shower that was so scorching hot it would have left scars on a child’s skin. Yeah… I love those hot showers… my shoulders and my back are as hard as a rock. I remember not so long ago, when I lived with that tension on a daily basis! The only relief I could found was a bottle of W.L. Weller, a splash of Club Soda with a couple of ice cubes. I’m trying to get my relief elsewhere now… it’s not as instant as the other, that’s for damn sure. Now the tension comes and it goes… it’s been around for the last three days… it’s just been a rough week. Lots of wild emotions flying in and through me. I mean this is our time of the year when we get slammed at work and I have added to the mix unnecessary pain. I want to let it go but it hasn’t come easy. All that space in my head that I’m giving those assholes RENT free even… truth is, it ain’t got near as much to do with him or her as I think it does… no it’s all about me. Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, ME, ME, MEEEEE! GOD SAVE ME FROM ME! I talked to Greta this morning. Told her I wasn’t sure writing about my anger/thoughts/emotions is a good thing cause it gets me all pissed off again! She said that’s because I’m still holding on to it. It takes time to let it go. She asked if I felt a little release every time I write about it? Yeah… Well then your right where you need to be. Unlike the fucking dope and drink… dealing with the shit life and choices throw at us… doesn’t make relief come instantly but BY GOD once it does, it will be done and over! There will be no just ‘forgetting’ or ‘burying’ the pain… no it will be finished. I’m holding out / holding on/ hoping for/ expectantly awaiting the finish line (for this particular issue) and then I’ll get to deal with the NEXT! * Jen bangs head on computer desk * LIFE! She is right, it is getting better. I got muscle rub all over my back, the parts I could reach myself anyway… and it has brought much relief. I have my meditation music playing in the background. I got a nice cup of Joe, a smokeretti, and God and me are kicking it this Saturday morning, I got my soft leopard skin house coat snug around my soft freshly pampered bod…. Yea I feel better, but I’m still exhausted. I crashed hard yesterday after work; came home from the speaker meeting, crashed again… woke up this morning still tired. But I woke myself up saying the LORD’S PRAYER! What a trip! I’m just mentally, emotionally and obviously physically exhausted. Next week will get easier… the hardest part of this situation is over. The hardest part of this situation is controlling MYSELF. So no it ain’t over… but I did good this week. I’m still FUCKING Sober! I’m feeling more confident than I have in a while. *I paid a high price for a cheap thrill * I’m still here telling my story! I didn’t quit my job. I didn’t ‘drink’ all this bullshit away, thus adding more bullshit… NO it’s life I’m living on life’s terms! I plan on throwing some ribs in my crock-pot this morning, but have yet to find the energy to do so. I plan on taking over the pile of clothes on my living room floor to my mom and Greta will get the one’s I want her to have tomorrow when she comes over for our little studies. The pile of clothes on my living room floor is driving me fucking crazy. It’s annoying! I don’t need any damn clothes lying up on my floor! See… See… What I mean… Alcoholics don’t handle stress well at all… nope; we don’t handle disorder well at all. I damn sure don’t. That little pile of clothes on my floor is chapping my ass! You know what else… I’m ready to box. I am feeling so damn feisty. I just want to fight with somebody. Anybody! It doesn’t make a damn. But I know that’s NOT what I need… Now that I got my shoulders feeling some release, I’m ready for another round! Truth is…I’m mad at this fucking disease. Dis – EaSE that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I’m on an emotional roller coaster… but it’s coming to a stop or rather maybe I’m going to utilize the safety belt that is there to keep me from bouncing around like a rag doll. I think I need a mid morning nap… |
Dear Lord, I know that I will make mistakes most every day, keep me from making serious one for which someone must pay. ~ From my Angel calendar on home PC. Stop trying so hard to be perfect and please God. Instead start spending all that time and effort with God, loving Him and letting Him love you --- ~ From my JM calendar on my work desk. You see a pattern here? I do… In fact, just yesterday I almost began beating myself upside the head because I acted an asshole to those I work with. Even Evelyn told me so today but I knew it already. All I could do is laugh and say; “We all got an asshole in us somewhere.” She agreed. Can you believe I let myself get by that easy? You might…cause you don’t know the inner conflict I struggle with daily, well then again, you might know from my blogging! But I have to say I stunned myself. What? You mean no 100 lashes to self over this? No inner roundtable committee discussion on just how shitty of a person I am? No groveling, no kissing ass today to try to make up for my behavior yesterday? No comparison of my insides to your outsides which in turn justifies the internal sucker punches to self? NOPE! I’m not perfect. Never going to be. I got a perfect heart--- which is what counts. The only perfect person I ever met DIED so I don’t have to beat myself into bloody oblivion every time I miss the mark of perfection that I have unknowingly required of myself for way to long. That’s over now… John and I had another blow yesterday. He disrespected, degraded and humiliated me in front of several people, not co-workers… but volunteers and donors. I got out of control. I let lose like a wild INDIAN woman. There was some crazy ass retaliation ideas dancing in my mind. Finally… I got my wits together long enough and I strutted my ass into Cindy’s office since my immediate boss was out yesterday. I shut Cindy’s door, sat down in front of her desk and told her I can’t take this bullshit no more. It’s either him or me… but I can no longer tolerate this man… NO MAN will talk to me like that, damn sure not no lowlife, crack addicted, black ass piece of shit! Ok, I left out the name calling when I talked to her but it was hard. I mean it; I was seconds away from calling my old buddy, Big K, to come put this piece of shit bastard out of his misery. For me to turn to my boss… you know I was PISSED cause I will usually handle my own shit without going up the chain of command. I’m not one to go crying to boss every time someone knocks the cherry off my Sundae… but Yesterday, I was about to clock myself out and walk away from the fucking warehouse, never to return. And I was going to take that black bastard down with me! Was gonna go out in a bang… just like Jesse James! But I made the right choice by going to a supervisor and venting… She told me to hang in for the hour left in the day and talk with my immediate boss first thing in the morning. I told her I would. Then! My home group at AA took me under their wing and wouldn’t let me go last night! They knew I was in a bad state of mind… They took me to eat, held my hand, said prayers with me… circled around me and kept me standing when I was damn close to falling flat on my face. No one gave me an answer to my dilemma. No one preached over me… or looked down on me, they just loved me and I found the answer inside myself, where my HP resides. Today I went into work with a spirit of LOVE pouring out of me. I did talk to my boss and I told her exactly what happened. She wanted to call John in the office. I told her I did not want that. Told her I wanted to let it go, keep my side of street clean and just drop it. She respected what I wanted but thanked me for coming to her. This is a DIRECT result of MY decision to smoke dope, drink and roll around in the bed with this fucker! This is the consequence of last relapse. It’s a fucking mess… this piece of shit, aggressive DICKHEAD thinks I’m his fucking property now… but you know what, it don’t make a fuck what he thinks… All day today he waited to get called into the bosses office. He knows I went to Cindy. I told him I was going to! He was just waiting for the office call and it never came… … sucks to be him… Waiting, wondering, what the fuck… Even with Randy and all the ups and downs that we had, I NEVER involved our supervisors. Randy NEVER talked to me like that… I was the mean one with Randy and me. Randy just liked to poke FUN at all kinds of woman… but he NEVER talked to me like a fucking DOG… like this guy. This guy don’t hold a candle to Randy in my Mind… Like I have said before, some men got what I like, Others don’t… but fucking drink and drug take away my ability to make my OWN choices. I’ve been working with this shithead for two years and we ain’t never been involved before. AND before we were involved, HE ain’t never talked to me like he has this last week. Oh he was nice until I ditched him last weekend, now his insecurities are bringing out the asshole that was in there all the while. Anyway… I did well today. I realized last night that I brought this all on myself. I made decisions that put me in the position to be disrespected and degraded by this low life. How fair is it to go running to boss lady to clean up the personal affairs that are now affecting my business affairs? All I can do is STOP playing the fucking mind games… and let this thing DIE…and it will, anything that doesn’t get fed will eventually die. I’m going to stop feeding it… I came home and crashed after work! I dreamed that I had these magical powers and anything I said in my mind happened. For example: I would say (in my head) Scratch your nose and sure as shit, the person in front of me would scratch their nose! So then I go on this spree of making people do what I want them to do by just saying it in my head! It was a trip! I liked the dream too! John: Quit your job. Go to rehab. Get a personality. Build a conscious. Learn to respect women. I’m going to listen to Penny speak tonight! She gave me all the cool clothes I been dressing for success in all week! I’m really in a good state of mind now…Yesterday, I almost went postal. I shit you not! Today… but for the Grace of God…. I’m doing ok. I love you! |
| Monday I was swinging on the chandelier… Tuesday I crashed into the pit of hell… and today, Wednesday… lot’s of ups and downs… but I was on solid ground, plugged into the right source. I stopped talking my antidepressant abruptly. Well because I spent my ‘prescribed’ medicine budget on the non-prescribed self-medication during this last relapse. SO… It wasn’t necessarily by CHOICE but then again it WAS …a dumb choice that I think turned out pretty good. I feel better without that medicine. I use to be so damn tired and I’ve noticed since I haven’t taken them that I have so much more energy. It’s been over 2 weeks since I have taken one and I would have noticed the difference by now, I do and I think it’s a good difference. I started taking them while in rehab. You know them doctors hook you up with all kinds of so called “Non-narcotic” meds while in rehab. Shit, I never was a pill popper till I went to rehab. Before my incarceration into the whack shack, I hadn’t been prescribed any mental, emotional medicine. I think my time of taking them is over for now. If I feel I need them at a later date, I’m not to proud now to say so. I use to look down on mental depression or even mental disease as a weakness. I don’t anymore. It’s not a weakness, we all get down and out… it’s a part of life. Crack addicted girl came back in today. “Miss Jennifer, You think you can hook me up with some more ramen noodles in a cup? I got these two big men staying in my tent with me, they watch out for me, and they helped me eat the food you gave me the other day. I really need them around for protection and if I can get them food, they will stay.” I was shook up after she left. This girl is most likely younger than I am. She is a black girl, skinny as a pole, was wearing the sweater that I gave her and proudly pointed that out to me. She looked better today. She was talking and smiling… as to last time she was so cold and hungry that she could hardly stand up. Of course I hooked her up and I told Eve that I wanted a special stash put back for my friend that stays at the park. She can’t cook in a tent so we need cups of noodles, canned meats and stuff that can be eaten right out of the package. I don’t care what our policy is… I’m not turning this girl away after helping her just once. Rawanda is her name… beautiful handwriting I noticed when she filled out her paperwork. She doesn’t belong in that park… she will make it out someday. John and I got into it again pretty hard today. He talks a lot of shit when there is folk around to see but then goes back to his computer and sends me IM’s telling me to smile and have a good day. I didn’t even respond. He and Carla are two peas in a pod. I honestly don’t see what she sees in him. All I thought he was good for was a high and a hard dick and really not even that. I know I’m being ugly but I’m MAD. I have had to really pray it up cause my old self wants to be real nasty. I don’t even know why either… what do you expect Girl? You thought he was a low life before you let him lay up in your bed, why would it change now? Now he is just a low life that you banged during one of your drunken sprees. Add his name to the list… I’ve wiped my ass with better men than he is… Oh… damn… my ugly is showing again I do think he and Carla are a good pair, they can swap out faces! I talked to my HP during lunch today… I told Him how much I dislike HER. She ain’t never done a damn thing to me. I can’t tell you why. I’m usually not the kind of gal that goes around hating on people. I like most everybody… I can see something good in anyone… but Carla… I just don’t like the bitch. Bad Jen… I realized during my shouting up at God about her at lunch what it is that I don’t like. My opinion: Carla is the type of fake ass woman that will smile at you, hug you, cry with you… tell you how much she LOVES you with the LOVE OF THE LORD!! Glory to GOD! Then she’ll go fuck your old man, tell boss lady she saw you stealing shit, get you fired, dig through your personal shit, she may even be capable of putting rat poison in your coffee! If you look away for a second, she will stab you in the back for the ONLY purpose of watching you fucking bleed! True or not… it’s my opinion of her. I don’t have to like her. I do have to respect the fact that she is a Child of God. I heard inside myself as I told God how much I don’t like her… I think HE told me that HE likes her… Grrrr… I was hoping she was the antichrist or something then I could justify my hatred! But… Since I love HIM… I got to respect His people. Rather they are right or wrong. Who knows… maybe my opinion of her is wrong. I’m sure it is in some ways… I just don’t like her. I just don’t. I JUST Don’t! I don’t have to like every person I work with. I get shit confused sometimes. Those people ain’t my friends, they are my Co-workers! We are tied together because of our business… nothing more. I’m don’t clock in every morning to win friends. I’m there to do my job and it ain’t to better my social life. I’ve decided not to stick around during the lunch hour anymore. I use to spend one or two lunch hours up at work a week, not many… but some… well, I decided that I don’t need to stick around at all. I need to keep it all about the food bank and nothing more. Then maybe I will stop pissing in my OWN Cheerios. I'd rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for who I'm not... I'm full of shit... Greta has a birthday on Friday. She will be 45 years old. I am giving her the gift certificate that my mom gave me to Bath and Body. I don’t have the money to go and purchase anything right now so I saved a gift from mom and going to pass it to her. She will love it. She is a girly girl like me and she will have a blast shopping at Bath and Body. Going to get her a card tomorrow during lunch and those DAMN library books are about two months late… got to get those back! My step-dad called me today at work, “Is this my redheaded step child?” He asked after I said my answering the phone spiel. “Nope! I’m blonde this week!” … He wants to give me $200 to shop for a gift for my mother from him. I don’t know what she needs or wants but I’ll damn sure have fun figuring it out. Men suck at gift buying! Well… he does I guess. Hey… what about jewelry with an engraving of her name or something? That may be cool… both of their names… Hmm… I’ll get her something she will appreciate from him… then I got to get her something from ME but it damn sure won’t be worth $200. I’m thinking more like a poem or something, which is all I can afford! I do got more, but I think I’ll shut up for now… Nighty night… I'm eating Santa's face!  Poor Santa but it is so yummy... chocolate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love chocolate! |
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