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The place to be for positive reinforcements! |
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Hello My Sunny Pals, Welcome back to Shellyville.... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Hello my sunny pals, Last night I want back to the Paint and Pour class and painted a beautiful sunset. I was so excited by the colors and the way the picture turned out. I am having a blast being an artist! When I do something creative and for myself I repair my soul. I give myself permission to be a child again. To let go of my inner critic and be at peace. I am seeing things today in a more vivid and real light. I don't think I will ever let go of my fantasy girl but being real has helped me adjust to my new lifestyle and shown me that I can grow up and still have fun! I honestly love my life! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am learning to ask for what I want. If I don't ask for it, how the heck am I ever going to get it? I have been through some pretty hard changes in the last few years and the one simple thing I want is to come out of this a better person. I want to trust my gut. I want to know who I am. I want to be honest with myself and my faults. I want to wake up and love the person I am. Inside and out! I also want to be loved. Not someday but today. I keep asking myself why do I have to wait? If you love me, love me now. Don't wait. Don't wait to show me or tell me. I want to live my life right here and right now. In this moment. In this feeling. In this second when I hurt. When I am discouraged. When I am sad. Last night I was crying and Jackson found me on the couch and he was crying too. He said that he could feel my pain and it was making him sad. He sat down next to me and we both cried. It was a connection that we have both been missing. I explained to Jackson through my tears that sometimes you can love someone but that the timing is wrong. That to be honest with what you need and want is healthy and that love does heal. I loved holding Jackson and sharing my vulnerability. I talked to him about my hurt and pain. I talked about how his behavior recently has made me think of my twin brother and how I was treated as a young girl. I told him that my reactions have a lot to do with my past and that I am scared. Jackson told me he was scared and that he has been acting out because when he feels scared he gets angry. I know. I know only too well that feeling of being scared. Of wondering what if or I am not good enough. Well I am good enough and I am not wondering what if anymore. This is me. This is who I am. Emotional and loving. Giving and deserving. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I don't like things when they don't work and I really don't like things in my apartment that break and I don't know how to fix them. I am lucky I have a few good friends that can help me out when I get myself into something I don't like. I never grew up watching my dad fix things. Either he never did or things didn't break. I am sure they must have but I don't recall my dad fixing things. I think it was my mom who did everything like that. She was the rock in our house. She might ask you do to something but if you didn't do it her way, she would go behind you and redo it. I am not like that. I just do it and don't ask! Are we really the creatures of our environment or do we make our own adjustments? Hum... Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I went for a long drive this morning to clear my head. I should still be driving! I am in a strange mood and it has everything to do with my son. I wish I could be the parent I know I am. I wish I could reach his anger before it boils. I wish I could control my own. I am in a state of shock over my own behavior. I know I am not helping. Even Savanna said I was "egging" him on. I know it. I know that my immature anger is not helping but I am so frustrated. I am worn out. I am scared. I don't want a child like my brother. I don't want to deal with it. I have no choice but to deal with this head on but to be honest I hate it. I am great with other people's kids...not my own. In many ways feeling like a failure just adds oil to the flame. It's not helping me accomplish what I need to accomplish. I am not a failure. I am not some kid that has "anger" issues. I am not going to get hurt and I believe my son is a good kid. I am just re-living some kind of nightmare that I can't get out of at the moment. I feel like my past is coming back to haunt me. Like I have forgotten every skill I used to defend the evil spirits. I am giving in. I am becoming weak. I never thought I could ever let my guard down. I don't like being in this place and I don't really have a direction or plan on how to get out of it. That is SO not like me!! This is not who I have become and I have to find my strength! I do believe in myself! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Today is when you can stop the madness and vote for your favorite man in the White house. I personally don't understand all the big fuss. No matter who gets in it's congress that has the majority of the control. I just see the President as the front man. I think for the first time this year I am grateful I don't own a TV. I have been able to avoid some of this but not all of it. Yahoo keeps me plenty involved with the issues and what's going on. I will keep to myself and do the best I can with what I can personally control. I have a hard enough time with 2 kids, I can't imagine what it would feel like to worry about the world! I wish the best of luck to whom ever wins!!!!!! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am excited today that the kids do not have school! Oh I know I am one of those odd moms but I like it when we can hang out together. Of course, I am crazy! Savanna wants to go to the mall and Jackson is with a buddy so I am thinking a girls trip to the mall sounds fun. I am insane because shopping with a teenager is expensive and exhausting! Let the holiday season begin! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am a city girl. I always have been and most likely always will be. Still, I do appreciate the country and farmers. I love that we live in a place were we can have both. That I can drive a few miles out of the city and into the most beautiful places. I took my son out for an adventure yesterday. I took him over to a friends house in the country so he could show off the beautiful buck that he hunted and shot with his bow and arrow. Jackson was impressed and so was I! It's something I have never seen up close. I have seen dead deer on the side of the road and I have seen dead deer on luggage racks but I have never been close enough to touch one. It was a site. First of all I am a huge fan of deer, I have never out grown my love of the movie Bambi. I call all deer Bambi. I think they are amazing creatures. I know in Michigan they need to be hunted because they over populate. I get that. Plus, I know many people love their meat. I wouldn't know. I have never ate venison. I just know that I love deer and seeing one up close and personal was cool. I was also impressed with how my friend was and how he explained to my son that killing something is an emotional experience. You have to know exactly what you are doing and you have to have faith that your actions are important. I can't even explain how impressed Jackson was and what a great life lesson this was for a little city boy. I am so blessed! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am with Jackson today and he is all about YO MOMMA! I don't know what it is about little boys and momma's but it sure is special. I love my relationship with my son. I love that I have a little buddy to hang out with. Of course, he really doesn't want anything to do with me. He is all about video games and his friends. I don't have plans for the weekend but I do want to spend some time just being here for my kids and getting back in touch with what is important. I love my life and all the people that are in it. Thank you for being important to me! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I see the sun is shining and I am ready for my sweet kids to return to the nest. I can't wait to get the kids this afternoon! Of course, Savanna already has plans for the night and I am not sure what Jackson has going on. Still it brings me peace. I need the peace. I need to relax with what is important. I know my kids are my everything. I was talking to my sister yesterday and it reminded me of how much I have changed. I used to be so uptight and a control freak in many ways. Now I barely worry. I don't let little stuff ruffle my feathers. My sister was kind of shocked at how easy-going I have become. I don't know how or when but I do know I have changed. I am way more open minded and easy to get along with. Someone said I was complicated like a puzzle but I think he meant that in a nice way. I think it was his way of reminding me to be myself. To be comfortable being me and to never change for someone else. I agree! I like me and I am sticking with who I am. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am not in the best of moods for starting out my birthday month. I guess I realize I am at least in a better place then I was last year. I have a roof over my head and hope that this month will improve. I feel so sorry for all those that were in the path of Storm Sandy!! WOW, it's going to be a long time before things get back to normal. If they even can? I am bummed I never got to see the original Jersey shore and the boardwalk. I can imagine that the new and improved boardwalk will be even better and a bigger reason to visit. I will have to put that on my bucket list. I keep adding things maybe one of these days I will cross something off! Have a wonderful blistery November day! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my spooky pals, I have been missing for a few days. I needed my break but now I am back to reality. I even wrote out my bills and made myself a hot meal. I am coming to terms with my "new" life. I love that I am changing and staying true to myself. I am a little stressed out with the change in Jackson recently but I know we can weather this storm. He will figure it out and we will help him. I guess I am good at helping out. I figure I am here to make everyone else's life better. I might as well make mine good too. It's strange to think my kids are out celebrating Halloween without me. I was there last year but this year it's Dad's turn. Dad's are important!! I love that Brian and I are working out the back and forth as best we can. I am really glad that he is open to me and hopefully he always will be. I feel a little strange tonight. It's a new home. I don't have any candy and I won't be getting trick or treaters. I miss it. I won't lie. I love this night. I even made my favorite pot of chili and corn bread. I am just missing the popcorn balls. I will make those this weekend when the kids are here. Have a safe and happy candy coma!! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I know that Jackson has started to hit puberty and I am okay with it. It's a natural process and all, but it brings up an important issue for me. I need to know how puberty will effect his chemical balance with his medications. We have an appointment this afternoon and it looks like it's time to make some changes. I will struggle with this medication choice for the rest of his life. I will always wonder if we are helping him or hurting him. I know their are going to be long term effects. I saw it with my parents and how my dad's heart medication ruined his liver. It's funny how the body is designed to let go of toxins. It's science. I want to help my son. I want to make sure he has what he needs to take care of himself. I am concerned for him. I have an older brother that lives out in Oregon and he is struggling with finding housing. He has been living in a group home for the past 13 years and recently he was kicked out for not following the house rules. My sister has been sick to her stomach trying to find him a decent place to live. Adults with mental disorders do not get that many choices to live without good support and a loving family. The world can be a cold and scary place. I will always do my best to make it a little less scary for those I help along the way. Will you? Love, Michelle |
| Hello sunshine, I am in a writing mood and Jackson is too. He is starting his part of his book. It has been a really long and crazy week so documenting his emotions right now is a great way for him to take some responsibility for his behavior. I can see this week has taken a toll on Jackson! It's been tough to see him struggle and harder to try to maintain my own emotions. I am still very fragile and I most likely always will be. I can't imagine a day when this won't have some kind of emotional impact on me. I think I would have to be dead! I am a long way from dead! I have a ton of life left in me!! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am still a lucky person! I am still doing what I like and what I can. I find that my sweet personality is going to get me where I need to go! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny friends, I went looking and got lost I believed and was disappointed I failed to succeed I kept trying and I found a new way. I won't give up on being true to myself. I know that I am burned out. I get that I have had my limit of worries and pain. I get that I have taken on too much. So, it is time to do something different. I am not getting stuck in this place. My mind can pull me out and it has too. I believe in love. I believe in the expression of love. I believe that my heart is generous and giving and I know someday I will receive. I always get what I really need! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Fall Sunshine, I need to work on myself today. I need to take some time and figure out my emotions and concerns. I know I am extremely uptight about Jackson and Brian. I know that something is not balanced in my world and I have to get a handle on it. I am so glad next week I am going on vacation. I think more than anything I need something different in my life. I need a small reminder that life is fun! Life is fun!! Love, Michelle |
| GO Tigers!! Yeah our boys are doing it! Too bad my own son is making me freak out. I have no idea anymore on how to measure success. Failure seems to be the word of the day. I am tired of the disrespect and negativity. I wonder just how much I can take in? I am at my tipping over point...Or is that my boiling point? Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine! I sure didn't handle Jackson very well yesterday! In fact, I am pretty sure I caused more damage. I don't know why I can't keep my cool. I am not sure I understand exactly what is going on. All he was supposed to do was get a simple shot. In fact, it was planned and he knew about it. He seemed perfectly fine until the doctor was ready to do it and he bolted out of the room. I was screaming NO! I think I might have looked crazier than he did! I didn't keep my cool and Jackson sure didn't keep his. He has learned that using foul language and attempting to hit me will get him the results he wants. Yep, I had to drag him to the car but not before he broke a picture off a shelf. I was so pissed, embarrassed, and frustrated. I have lost all control over a 11 year old boy. I have no way of getting him to do what is good for him or expected. I am emotional. I am worried that all this acting out and violence is only going to get worse. Maybe, I am just seeing my past or maybe I am over reacting. I don't know. I just know that I hate it. I hate the feelings of this. I hate that I am not capable of dealing with him. Sure always giving in is working so well. I am sick of being a doormat. It has to stop! I am signing up for self-defense classes. I am going to at least learn how to take him down, so I don't get hurt. If I can't protect him, I might as well learn how to protect myself!! Love, Michelle |
| Hello My Sunny Pals, "Mistakes show us what we need to learn" This was from my recent fortune cookie. It has haunted me all night and I need to address this message. I agree. I agree that mistakes are learning lessons. I get that. So I keep asking myself did I learn anything from my mistakes and what mistakes do I want to address? I mean I have a couple that have been brewing and giving me trouble. First I get that I made a mistake in losing my love for my (ex)husband. I get that I allowed the distance to grow between us and that I couldn't get it back. I made a mistake in thinking I didn't need him to survive. Actually, I did learn that I don't need him to survive. I am surviving fine on my own. What I do need or at least I seem to think I do need is the financial security. Then I think about that. I never really had it in my marriage. We were sinking in debt. I was a stay-at-home mom and I didn't have an income. All I had was the belief that Brian was taking care of everything and we were fine. I was living in denial. I was not taking any kind of personal responsibility for myself. Now that I pay my bills, I understand the flow of income. I get it. I learned a big lesson from this mistake. I know I need to have an income that covers my bills. Now I can look at my relationship mistakes. I don't like to think of relationships as mistakes. I believe that I meet the people I need to meet. I love the men that need my love and someday I will receive the love I need in return. I think my mistake has been in looking for it. For believing I could go out and find it. It doesn't work that way. Love has to find me and I have to be ready to accept it. I am getting closer to being ready. Such is life! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Today I get to celebrate Jackson's birthday! My boy is 11 years old. I am so happy for him. He has no idea how his birth has improved my life! I am glad Mom's get to celebrate too! Jackson invited me out to dinner with his Dad. All he said he wanted was a family dinner. How sweet is that? I'm sure he will love his gifts too. lol Love, Michelle |
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