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You have entered my blog. I take no responsibilty for your reaction. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** MY NEW CAR....WELL IF I HAD THE MONEY TO BUY ONE!!! Thanks Thea!!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I think there is something hidden deep inside me.....I can feel it sometimes, yet I am not conciously aware of what it is. It feels dark, not dangerous or bad dark so much as off kilter dark. By that I mean a radiance that is far different than what most people see on any givin day. Some days it gets very close to the surface and pulls my mood down, other days it enlightens my mood......I think the best way to describe it is like the gravitational pull of the moon. You know it is there every day but it only affects you at certain times. Once in a while it becomes very strong like "a new moon" and it has huge affects on the earth, pulling extremely high tides and causing different types of upheaval. Perhaps that is a good description of it in me......an upheaval of sorts that disrupts my normal flow of thought and feelings. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, wether it enlightens my creative spirit or works against it. I guess I merely want to know and understand it. If it is the "real" me trying to surface then I say, let it come, and I will deal with the consequenses.....in the next breath I wish I hadn't thought that and remember the phrase..."be careful what you wish for because it might come true" It is entirely possible that this feeling inside me is a form of insanity and once it is allowed to see the light of day, there will be no way to control it. I could easily be an insane person acting sane or I could be feeling the pull of something far beyond my capability to understand. Something important from the past or the future or even a parallel universe. I really don't know.....what I do know is that it is there and some days it is very strong. I wish there was a way to tap into it and understand it........I just want the fog to go away. Today is one of those times when it is very close to the surface, I have all I can do to hide it from others. Does anyone out there understand what I am saying? Do you have feelings like these? Do you know what they are? |
| What I write here is essentually meanningless. Am I writing truth or fiction....do I know the difference.......do you? This space is one dimensional yet a decent writer can send the reader visual images that create dimension in their mind. What we read, we assume to be true but it is out of context because we do not know the person behind the words. Did you know my floor in my office is blue? I have told you that now your mind sees my blue floor. Would I be a different person in your mind if my floor was orange? Now you are not sure about my floor color, if you had to pick one of those two colors to be true which would it be? The truth is that the color we see is really a reflection. We see the color an object is not. That is right, my floor "looks" blue because it obsorbs all other colors accept blue, the blue is reflected and that is what I see.......so actually, my floor is every color but blue. I only mention it to show a point. You will find it is a true statement because you can google it and find I am speaking the truth. My real point is an analogy. As writers we tend to "reflect" or write what we are not and that is what the reader sees.....we can create and mold that image into what ever we desire it to be. what we really are is hidden inside us. How many of us allow much of our real essense out? Be honest.....think about it for a minute and let it digest.......do you ever let the real honest essense of yourself out, or do you just give tiny bits and pieces? Aren't we afraid to let people see who we really are because we would take the chance of being ridiculed? Our own insecurities hold us back.....We want to show our true self and that is why we search for that "soul mate" as only they can know us on the inside, they can see the real person........ but is there really a soulmate out there or is it just more fiction. |
| On wednesday, I was home recouping from surgery and decided to go for a long yet easy bike ride. It was quite enjoyable as I spent alot of that time riding in the woods on trails. Near the end of the ride I stopped at the cemetary where my dad is buried. It is hard to believe has has been gone for 19 years this month. I sat there as the suns rays tickled my face and more bugs than I cared for crawled around me. Perhaps it was becasue of the fresh mowing but the bugs were active as they tried invading my space.....or was I invading theirs? Anyway, my Dad died when he was 54 years old. I remember how old and worn out he seemd to me during the last 2 years of his life. I wished he didn't have to work and he could retire because of all the hard work he had to that point. He was 3 hours from us when his heart quit......they tried to revive him but he went too long without oxygen and even though modern medicine could keep his body alive, there was no brain activity and he died the next morning...I was 32 years old then..... I am 53 now and just one year younger than my dad when he died. Father's day is this week and I wonder if I look as old and feable to my kids as my dad looked to me? I just don't feel anywhere near as old as he looked. I suppose I am in better health yet I still wonder as my uncle also died in his middle fifties. I sat in front of his stone looking at the picture we had ingraved on it. He loved blue birds and birch trees....we had a tree ingraved with a blue bird sitting on a branch and another flying toward the tree with it's wings spread....it was a nice picture. I sat there wondering what he would say to me today. Would he be proud of the last 19 years? He was a good father but a better grandfather..... the kids loved him and so did I.....I miss him, I miss his fooling around.... I hope part of him rubbed off on me and my kids gained because of it. He taught me so many things even after he was gone...I hope my memory never fades. That is why I rarely go to his grave, this is only the third time in 19 years....I do not want to remember him as a grave stone..........I do not know why I came here this day...but I did. |
| I am overwhelmed with thoughts and visions.......I have so much going on inside.....yet it does not surface. Perhaps amongst the chaos there is a thought or feeling that makes sense. Most writers behavior represent a mushroom as their many thoughts exit their brain and attempt to displace the oxygen we breath with dynamic and genius - like words manifesting into an amazing story. I have a gut full of worldly thoughts that are greater at times than genius.....I can feel it as I think laterally trying to synchronize the bits and pieces and force them to evolve into something my fingers can handle. The huge inverted mushroom creates only more pressure that never seems to escape. When I do write it is more of a hiccup, if you can understand the meaning of it, like bits and pieces that form into small stories of moderate interest and they come at their own will (much like a hiccip) With these stories, there is no deep meaning the story is cut short and unfinished as though someone one recites, "stay tuned for more after station identification" In this case the commercial has no time limit and the story never continues. I dream these amazing thoughts and tell myself I will write this wonderment down when I wake, yet it doesn't happen because the waking thoughts are no longer structured and congruent. The harmony that was there in thought does not translate into readable words. There is a process in the brain where electronic signals called binders seek out the thoughts we desire to portray. It allows us to remember things from the past and bring them back to the forefront of the conscious brain. I think my binders are struggling to accomplish their task. Perhaps I was born this way or I was never able to master the feat.......no doubt something is not right. I fear that I will never write a meaningful book nor will I ever get this uneasy feeling out of me. I know there is something I must say or do....something with great importance.....I can feel it yet I can't find it. It will not surface. Time is ticking as I have lived at least half of my life (if not more) with no direction.....just floating in the waves waiting for the shore to appear. I see people around me with definite direction in their life.....they are all good or great at something....many are the best at what they do.....they have felt that wonderful feeling of winning, being number one or they have amazing luck as things just fall into place for them.....almost un-invited in a way. Now before you readers get the wrong impression, I am not complaining or depressed. I am good at many things and my life has not been filled with hate and despair....I have a good life and things are good.......but I just feel a step behind....the guy in the shadows......the filler person in a movie who has no real part other than being the guy in the background pretending to be part of the plot. I am a good father, a good husband, a good son.......but something tells me I missed the boat. I don't know what boat or where it was going ...but I missed it. The answer is bottled up inside me and the mushroom seems like it wants to burst. Perhaps I am trying to hard....perhaps this is what my life was supposed to be.......maybe I am being selfish as there are many far worse off than me.....things are OK....so why am I not happy about it? |
| The world around me is oblivious to my personal views. It is true, I used to say if you have an opinion, it doens't count if you don't voice it. If you don't let people know how you feel, you have no right to complain about the outcome. I guess I was wrong. It seems that what I think and say has no bearing what-so-ever on the happenings around me. It is so crazy to think about......I didn't vote for our current administration.....Things are not going well they do what they want reguardless of public opinion.....at the same time we are not told the truth about their agenda. I did vote for the former administraion.......they were no better in different ways and there was no truth there either. It seems there was litlle truth as far back as there was politics. In our immediate lives, if you have money or contacts, you have power....power to take advantage and control others. Even here at WDC,as they climb the ladder they gain power to control others and how they "live" here. Some respect that power but most abuse it. People with position, money and power can do outrageos things and get away with it......hell Al Gore not only invented the internet but he also discovered global warming and received a Nobel Prize for it.......what??? How can one get a Nobel prize for something you can't even proove? The Peace prize is geared toward someone who helped the needy or saved countless lives.......If Mr Gore is right and we find a way to counteract the normal evolution of our planet, then perhaps one could argue that he might have led the fight to save lives in the future......but if he cries wolf and then jumps in bed with them (aka...flying around in his private jet or driving gas guzzling emission puking vehicles), how many lives is he really saving? Not to pick on poor old Al as there are hundreds more out there I could talk about, but where will it end? A poor guy like me has no choice but to grin and bear it. I am not rich or smart enough to become a politician and even if I did manage to make it to their level, I would have to stoop to their values to get there. This is the time you want "DAD" to step in and take control.....straiten these spoiled brats out and put us on the right track......but there is no DAD here....instead I wonder where the world is going.....I fear we are doomed as we can not control ourselves. Us worker ants are just there to do the work and live with whatever the controllers decide for us. It is so crazy and sometimes I feel so helpless......what can I do? What can any of us do? What I believe doesn't count and the proof is right here....once the one or two people read this and a couple days go by, they will completely forget about what I wrote as they will be engulfed in the current days writing.....my thoughts will expand and die like a fresh smoke ring that eventually evolves into nothing. People will love our new administration until they are told what car they are going to own, what health care they are allowed to have, what unfortunate illigal alien or special interest group will take a portion of their pay, what extra taxes will be put on them to finance the banks that are already taking our money and wasting it, when they are sitting home with no job to pay the mortgage, they will no longer be happy with the outcome and probably blame everyone else. The new administration will probably get away with it as they will point the finger back at the previous people in power who in turn when they messed things up pointed to the administration before them......it is always someone elses fault as we put our own hand in the cooky jar........ |
| The honest truth is, that I have no close friends in my personal life......that is why I don't leave here even though I threaten to....I have closer friends here than in my "real" life. Is that a sad thing? In my life, I am the rock...the strong person that solves the problems and help keep things working and moving. I am not allowed to be sad, have problems, or ever give up hope. I realize and embrace that position....I don't think my nature would let it be any other way. I am proud of me and what I represent to others. Yet I long for the type of friendship where you are allowed to have a bad day or be sad, even giddy and happy. With no current responsibilities......I have that here. I can be just the me that is inside and longing to be free. I can just be me......green lantern one day....inspiring writer the next.....lost in direction the next.....what ever flows out of me on any given day I write stories here that no one else sees or reads. I don't write much anywhere else. my family knows very little about my internal thoughts that form these stories.....I am hidden in a way ...private I guess. I think they would be quite suprised if they read some of the stuff I have written. You see I am not a writer so much as a person that dumps his thoughts into paragraphs, wondering the whole time if it will make any sense at all. I like the fact that no one is judging me or expecting any thing other than an occasional hello. I could name the five or six people here that probably know more about the me deep down inside than any one in my real life....but I don't have to because you know you are.....and you are probably reading this right now...that is what is great about friends....they don't have to be told...they already know. |
| It's funny, I just noticed as I started writing today, that for this month I am writing in my blog for the third time. All three times it is on a Tuesday. Isn't that odd? Is there something about Tuesday that causes me to want to write? I think when I get some time I will look back and see how many tuesdays I have written compared to the other days. I know I don't write much on mondays, even when I am logging on a lot, because my Mondays are usually so busy. I think I do not like being predictable or a creature of habit so next Tuesday I refuse to write in my blog....perhaps I will do Monday instead. I was thinking this morning about my view on my life and how I focus on it. You know when I was younger, I think my vision and expectations were quite broad and I had great expectations that something big was right around the corner. The options were endless and I was so excited about the possibilities. Now, as I am getting much older, something has happened. My vision and expectations have narrowed. Perhaps it is because I am smarter and wiser.....or am I getting sinicle? I know certain things are such a rare occurrance that it is unlikely to happen to me. I guess the law of averages continue to dwindle as the years fly by. I used to dream about big things and exciting unusual events.....now I long for an easier life with less demands. I know I will never be rich, I know I will never accomplish amazing feats as I am getting older and the body is not as strong and responsive as years ago. I think some things in life have passed me by so dreaming about them is useless. I think time causes us all to narrow our focus and we begin to understand the difference between rational thought and outrageous dreams. I know I will never be an olympian, a brain surgeon or an astronaut .......many things like that are behind me now.....so I have no choice but to focus on real possibilities instead. So, I must learn to live within my means as my means will surely not increase much and actaully will decrease as I grow older. I will have less value in the market place so I have no choice but to adapt. This is not a complaint or whinning but pure fact of life. I can either deny it or embrace and prepare for it. In some ways it is sort of a relief. I can concentrate on real possibilities rather than a broad vague view of who knows what. In other ways it is disapointing and a little sad. When did I cross this line? When did I crest the hill and start the slide down the other side? Does life get better or do we just lower our expectations giving the allusion of being better? I am pretty sure I have lowered my expectations and perhaps it just means I am where I have been all along but finally realizing it? Is our life planned out ahead of time? Do we actually pick our own destiny long before we are born? If so, It means we have chosen our life for a reason...perhaps to evolve or learn something. It makes me wonder though, what could I possibly put upon myself to learn? Have I learned it yet? If I do, is my life as I know it over? I am sure that there is more to us than just this life.....it only makes sense. Problem is, I have no idea what I am supposed to learn and if I have or not......how does one know? |
| I signed up to run an ultra....for those of you who do not know what that is, it is a very long trail race. This means running in the woods, up and down hills, over rocks and trees, pretty technical running. This time of year add in water and mud! Ultras are anything Marathon distance and longer.......Marathon 26.2 miles, 50K 31 miles, 50 miles and (yikes)100 miles. There are also ultras that are on time like 24 hour, 48 hour,72 hour, One that crosses the desert in the midwest that is 135 miles total and if you do it in 24 hours or less you get a belt buckle! A belt buckle may not sound like much for that kind of effort but there are not many people in the world that have a belt buckle that say's they ran BAD WATER under 24hrs...it is a rare commodity. Anyway, I ran a 25K trail race last year and had this stupid idea of stepping up to an ultra and running the 50K this year. In may I will be attempting the 50K and I am getting nervous.... that is a long way and there is always a chance in these long trail races that I will not finish....that is how tough they are! There is a special prize for completing the 50K ....... a silver cow bell! and if one finishes the 50 miler they get a gold cowbell. Right now there only a few hundred people in the world that have a silver cowbell that say's they finished the Pineland Trail Challenge... Perhaps in May I will one of those people. |
| I know I haven't been on here much with the new work commitments and all but thought I would let (whoever) know that I am having surgery tomorrow and will not be on for a few days. Hopefully this will be the last major surgery and in a few months when the jaw bone is completely healed I will be done with this whole thing. I am in a "set asside" mood today. Meaning that I feel out of sorts like I am standing beside my body watching as an observer, controlling situations but not really re-acting to them. It seems no one notices but me. Funny how that is.......a person can have many things going on inside yet it is somehow hidden from the rest of the world. I have been this way for months now and can not seem to break out of it. I feel that I am in a holding pattern circling the airport waiting to land. I know I need to land but can't seem to get down there. Odd isn't it? There is really no turmoil in my life right now and no apearant reason for feeling this way. I am sure it has nothing to do with the surgery but something on a much higher, broader level. It seems that the real world around me is a facarde of sorts and there is something hidden behind an array of half and decieving truths. Something I feel I should recognize yet is still quite blurry to me. It is screaming out to me trying to show itself completely........my internal vision is sharp yet tunnel as I can not focus on peripheral things. There are shadows but nothing I can understand. I sometimes wish I could freeze everything, step back and get a good overview of my world. Maybe then I would gain a better understanding of the bits and pieces floating around me and what they actually mean. I am a force in limbo like the phone is ringing but I can't find it to answer. I know it doesn't make sense and am probably foolish for writing this crap down. But is seems to relieve the brain a bit and allow for some clearer thinking....just not clear enough. |
There were many times in my life that I planned and expected a sure thing. A sure thing.......funny how there never is. What makes us think it is possible? I suppose we rationalize our thoughts and somehow figure it can happen. We feel so confident and secure yet when do things go exactally the way we plan? How about never? Yeah, I can't think of one time that things worked precisely as planned and a sure thing? Well in my life, it has never happened. Is it the same for everyone else or are there some out there that experience that wonderful sensation? Have any of you sat there so sure about the outcome of a certain thing or event that you were absolutely not worried? It was a sure thing and it worked out that way? I just want to know because if not then I can stop dreaming about it and move on. I know it happens in the movies and plenty of people talk about it but when has it really happened.....perhaps there has been a miracle or two......perhaps there has been a couple lucky souls.....if so I sure would like to hear about it. I don't want to sound like I am complaining because I am not. There are many times that things have worked out not only OK but actually pretty good for me........but never perfect. There always seems to be some hidden force that makes sure I don't get up those last few steps.....always grabbing my ankle and dragging me back down to a humble reality......I know there are people up there, I just can't seem to make it that far. |
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But, honestly, I take the good with the bad, even when it is really bad. Emotions are a huge, huge part of who we are and sometimes holding them back doesn't allow us to truly experience life.
I don't really know what it takes to be a writer but heck, I like to do it and it seems the more I write the more I like what I write. That, I think is the most important thing about being a writer. 