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You have entered my blog. I take no responsibilty for your reaction. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** MY NEW CAR....WELL IF I HAD THE MONEY TO BUY ONE!!! Thanks Thea!!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I have a busy day today...I have a lot to do to prepair this place for my absence. I will be out for three days after surgery tomorrow. Besides being out, I also don't have my laptop so work will really be in the dark as I usually work from home to help the guys out. That won't happen this time so there will be nothing but hell around here. I pity myself for what I come back to next week...... As usual, there too many things all coming to a head at the same time right now.....do I have bad luck or what? If there is a cosmic presence that is responsible for making things easier,,,,,,it must surely be on holiday this month.....good thing I am a positive thinker and don't let things get me down or I would really be in trouble... I am in no mood to go into details at this time....kind of engulfed in my own mind and not projecting thoughts....but don't worry See ya next week. |
| That is what my brain yelled at me this morning.....How did this happen? How did monday sneak up on me so quickly. My weekend did not go as planned and it seemed so short. I was not ready to roll out of bed and start a new week. I am not finished with last week yet......Damn...who invented time anyway? I didn't run this weekend and I think I gained weight. What is up with that? My son goes to court today...so why am I nervous? Sometimes our children do not make the decisions we hope they would. |
| My oldest daughter from a short failed marriage is writing a book. We met last night and discussed it. She wanted to tell me and get my opinion. She thought perhaps I might become upset. You see she is writing an emotional biography. Basically this book is based more on her feelings as a young child and how the split up made her feel. It is an interesting point of view as it doesn't actually cover specific events that happened. The clincher for me is that in her emotional view, neither her mother nor I are characters in the story. Basically we are viewed as non-exsitant from her emotional state. That was a little hard to swallow. Parents want to think that they were there for their child and through tough times the child survives because of the parents love and it is this love that the child remembers. To think your child felt like an outcast from both families is a hard pill to swallow. In her view, she had no parents and her emotional memory is more of a greatgrandmother and an aunt. Even though this was hard for me to hear, I did understand completely as I realized when I wrote "The Lost Child" I had similar feelings, Emotionally, I lost my child, she was ripped from my heart by her mother. In my mind that little girl was gone forever and she was in a sense as I didn't have the opourtunity to raise her and help her grow. I didn't actually lose her of course and we had many great times together when she was growing up. What I lost was that emotional connection and even though we are closer now, those moments in time when she wasn't there will never be filled with anything. They are emoitional voids forever. I had to write that story to understand my true feelings and come to terms with them. That is why she has to write this book. She has to get the truth as she felt it back then out of her. I told her I understand that and to keep writing. I also told her not to change things because of fear. Either the fear of seeing the truth or the fear of hurting others. If it is her true feelings, then we have to accept them as that. I wanted to be the "good" parent, I wanted her to tell me that she felt my love and that I was trying my best to do right by her. I wanted to hear that she understood back then.........Instead, I am not a character in her emotional biography ..... I was not who I thought I was.... |
| Had a meeting with the surgeon yesterday. He is finally ready to do the surgery. I say "bout time" as I was ready long ago. I realized as he talked that the it appears one of the reasons he posponed it was because he was in a 100 canoe event and I think he wanted to concentrate on that. Anyway, it is next Wednesday and the plan is to cut into the hip to pull out some bone. Then place that bone in the upper jaw. Remove the steel brace in the lower jaw and maybe place some bone graph there too. At the same time he will trim up some scar tissue that has been bothering me. I'll stay in the hospital overnight , take a few days off from work and then wait for the bone to heal....then a couple months later, they install the implant bases.....well it has been a year so I say again....."bout time" I am not nervous....I am ready. |
| I was taking stock of my life so far and what direction i was heading and realized something. I have no clear plan as to what I want to accomplish before I am done here. By that I mean, a battle plan for my future or a legacy. I have nothing. Has it always been that way? Am I just rambling through life thinking all the time that I am going someplace? Oh, not that I havn't had dreams. Hey when I was in my early twenties, I fully envisioned that I would become a millionare and retire in my forties. Sure why not? I had the drive and I thought I had vision.....but I am past 40 and still working to survive. Hmmmnn.....Where did I veer off the trail? Well I did have two more kids than I origonally planned, that takes extra cash, I bought things I didn't need, I spent a lot on the kids...probably spoiled them too much. I went into business with what turned out to be a schister (sp?) that lasted 9 years. Then I went into my own business for 10 years and that ended up dragging me down the toilet....well I helped I guess. So, I virtually had to start over twice in 19 years. So if I add that 19 onto 40 well that means I have until 60 years old to become a millionare. Well that makes me feel a lot better! I have 7 mores years to accomplish that.....sounds pretty easy huh? OK....well I'm OK now. I didn't miss my chance......I guess I do have a battle plan after all....now how do I impliment it? Of course nowadays a million is not that much, I beetter plan on at least a few million.....well maybe 10 million that is a nice round number. Yeah! 10 million it is!! |
| Something feels odd today....not sure what it is but my innerself....the emotional being inside me feels a little lost. Perhaps it is because I am close to the surgery date or maybe I feel a need for some type of direction? Not really sure what I am feeling. Isn't it funny how we can flip flop from left to fight or high to low in an instant....it can be caused by an event or something someone says or with me, a certain song. I sit here this morning and I want to do something....it is almost in my brain...like that word that is on the tip of your tounge but you can't quite say it? That is how I feel today, I almost know what it is but I can't quite see it. I hate being in limbo...I want and crave direction. It is what drives me and satisfies my equilibrium......I suppose, as things get busy here, it will pass and I will be thinking of ordinary everyday things......when I was younger, this is when I would get antsy and go look for a party or some type of drugs........don't you hate it when you don't want to talk to anyone because it seems too difficult but at the same time you don't want to be alone. I know what you are thinking...not depressed or anything like that but more like inner reflection, I guess. You want someone there but do not want to engauge in small talk............. I really do not want to be at work.... this is the type of day that I could sit on our old porch wrapped in a blanket and watch the rain.....It is supposed to rain today....but I don't have a porch. I have been called Skister many times and you know what? I feel like Skister today......definately not a captain. |
| I went to the local fair last night. I haven't been for a few years and when my wife found out that the Don Cambell band was playing, she was pretty detirmined to go. His music is good, it is a cross between country/folk though I guess I would just call it country. I like country Ok but it would not usually be my first pick if I was selecting a radio station or inserting a CD. I actually enjoy all types of music so I agreed to go. I think my wife has some kind of crush on this guy......maybe a connection in some way. Perhaps lovers in a previous life....I'm not kidding! But anyway she loves to watch him play. So we show up and the first thing I am thinking is food.....yeah that's right something about the crappy greasy probably dirty food just turns my stomache into a craving lunatic. I want some of everything. When I was younger I used to stuff myself full of every piece of junk I could get my hands on. Now I am a little smarter, older and quite frankly poorer.....so we decide to split an order of Old English fish and chips, then a powdered doughboy.....both were quite exellent. I had to skip the Bob's large bowl of hand cut fries, the peanutbutter and chocolate fudge, the corn dog, the sausage sandwich, the apple crisp and the various pies...damn...I wish I had either more stomache or more time...... We paid $2.00 to park and $14.00 for the two of us to get in so the value was pretty good as we watched the mini concert, ate supper, watched some kids enjoy the rides and then before we left we watched the mini tractor pulls. This is so cool as now they have a younger division. The yard tractor division is for younger kids and they are restricted to yard and lawn tractors. Now of course there is no screaming motors or dust flying but it still requires technique and knowlegde of were to add weights. So we are watching and this fairly good sized lawn tractor pulls up in front of the towing machine and on it is a little five year old boy getting ready to pull. It was so cute as I think the dad had to actually place the boy on top of this thing and his helmet seemed too big. They waved the flag and this tiny kid on a huge lawnmower proceded to pull this wieght transfere sled 141 feet.....Wow...He placed 4th as the best pull was over 171 feet....still for a five year old kid, this was amazing. So...we got home later than usual and this morning came way too fast. I was happy to find out I have no ill effects from the fair food! Though I am still craving a sausage sandwich.. Too bad they didn't have these mini tractor pulls when my kids were young...that surely would have been fun. I did point out to my wife that our middle son who is 25 years old would probably still be excited to enter this competition.....he would look a kinda funny on these little tractors and the five year old would probably beat him! Something about little county fairs....brings out the kid in you......I was excited by the hustle and flashing lights...the kids having so much fun.....almost makes me wish I had little kids again....well except for the price of the rides now a days........FEW!! |
| Sunday night, my wife mentioned that our daughter didn't stop by or call as usual. She is a real worry wart and I usually ignore her when she gets this way. I was true to form as I didn't pay much attention to the problem. I assumed our daughter had some plans and that was it. When my wife woke up monday morning, she felt horrible and she dreamed about our daughter. She felt for sure something was wrong. Again I wasn't too worried and I felt certain I would get a phone call around 7:30 as my daughter (Amanda) usually calls me on her way to work. My wife called about 6 am. She said she drove by Amanda's at 4:30 and her car was there and a bunch of lights were on but not the ouside light. She called her and got no answer. I said well she was probably in the shower or something. At about 7 am I tried calling her but got only voice mail, at 7:30 I tried again with the same results. At 8:00 I tried again.....Hmmmnn....this is striking me odd now. My wife calls me and asks if I heard from Amanda...I say no and am getting worried. If she was up at 4:30 and I tried every half hour, she should have at least called me back by now? I thought ...well perhaps she had a problem with her phone......My wife called me again and sugjested I call her landlord to see if her car was still home....no answer....She then sugjested I call Amanda's work. I called her work and only got a recording....it sucks when you don't actually talk to a person! My wife calls again and she is pretty upset by now.......she plants these ideas in my head and even though I didn't think anything was wrong at first, now my imagination was taking over.....I had visions of things that could have happened.......I jumped in a vehicle and headed home. I was pretty darn worried. When I was almost home, I got a phone call....it was Amanda returning my call......she laughed at our worry......Sunday she went to the movies and acually did stop by but we were gone. She said she always gets up at 4:30 and that she forgot her phone at home so she didn't get our calls. Her office doesn't open until 8:30 so she doesn't answer the phone even if she is there working. She is a case worker for children 3 - 5 years old that have problems with family or envirement or handicaps....so she might go in to get parerwork together for meetings but the office is not actully open for business. So I am relieved to hear from her and felt a little stupid for worrying....I knew better but I got sucked in by my wife.....Our brains are so wierd.....why do we think the worst? Is it because of the TV, the news or the paper....always full of bad things and horrible events? So I am mulling the series of events over in my head........My wife was worried...I am not....she drives by Amanda's and even though she is worried and lights are on with no answer on the phone, she continues onto work and calls me.......why didn't she just stop in if she was that worried? Then she calls me and wants me to call Amanda.....then she wants me to call the neighbor...then she wants me to call Amanda's work.......Why didn't she just call...she had the time to call me? She could have called Sunday when she was first worried, she could have stopped by...........I don't understand her sometimes.....she was so worried but not enough to do anything about it...instead she wanted to get me worried so I would do something about it......then if something was horribly wrong she would have felt guilty about not calling her....... So I lost an hour from work, my daughter thinks we were foolish to worry, I would have not been concerned if my wife didn't interject the fear into me...................What is up with our brains anyway? |
| Yeah, you know a button that just stops everything even if just for a moment? I remember when watching Be-witched and things got all messed up......completely crazy and Samantha would just wiggle her nose and freeze everything. That is what I want for those times when everything is going wrong and I need to take a breath .....just wiggle my nose..freeze everything sit down and relax. I'm thinking of leaving early today.......yeah...early .....so elleven hours instead of twelve .....HEHEHE! Do you think the company will shut down without me? |
| Yes that is what I said...an echo and it's in my head. You see there is something in my brain that travels around feely, like a leave blowing in the fall wind. It seems there is no direction just random stops starts and turns. It doesn't seem threatening but it is annoying. When I try to think clearly it questions my every move. It latches on to my sanity and tries to interupt. I find it questioning my motives....does there always have to be a reason for the things we do? Can't we just do because that is what we want at that very moment? The echo shows up and brings past emotions in an effort to bring me down. It brings to the fore front the essense of what I no longer want in my thoughts. The second I think it is dorment I find it lurking in the shadows waiting to get it's chance to punish me with memories of actions of the past. Causing me to question old decisions and relive past turmoil. My daughter (from the first mirrage)wants to get together with me. She asked for me to come alone. She wants me all to herself.....something she has had very little of.....I didn't think of it until now....I spent very little time alone with her. I was so young and I tried to make the best decisions I could.....I still don't know if I made the right ones. She is so emotionally scared from her childhood....how responsible am I? I feel that the man I am now, that I have been for the last 30 years, would have possibly done things different...I don't know what really but different. Perhaps given her more personal attention. She is jealous of her half brothers and esspecailly her half sister.....she doesnt admit it to me but I know it. I feel so guilty because I am closer and have a stronger bond with my four current children. Not because they are better in any way, just because I brought them up, I interacted with them every day....but I still get these feeling.... There is no going back and the scars will never be more than just that scar tissue....sure we can build new bridges but that doesn't stop the water from flowing or change it's direction..........it doesn't change anything as the past is done.....why won't the echo leave too? |
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But, honestly, I take the good with the bad, even when it is really bad. Emotions are a huge, huge part of who we are and sometimes holding them back doesn't allow us to truly experience life.
I don't really know what it takes to be a writer but heck, I like to do it and it seems the more I write the more I like what I write. That, I think is the most important thing about being a writer. 