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| Last night at midnight I was awaken from a sound sleep by a boy/man yelling mom. The voice sounded familiar yet I couldn't place it. It was very loud and agrivated as if something horrible had just happened. I immediately thought of my boys and jumped out of bed. I was wide awake now, walked out to the entry and took a look next door. One of my son's rents that house. Everything looked quiet. One of my other sons was upstairs in bed as he has moved back in for a short while. My third one lives in Boston. Though I didn't see an appearant problem and coupled with the fact that I am pretty sure if one of the boys was in trouble and yelling for help, I think they would yell Dad, I still felt very uneasy. My internal emotions told me that the voice was real and it felt real.......but the night was quiet. I went to the kitchen got a drink of water and went back to bed. As I was drifting back off to sleep I kept muling over the memory of the voice. It was so real and it woke me from a sound sleep.......I can still hear it in my mind right now.....I think someone is in trouble...... |
| I had a change of pace tody. It was actually quite nice. I had an apointment with the surgeon this morning at 7:50 Am so I didn't go to work like normal. Instead of getting up at 3:30 Am, I slept in and got up at 4:30 Am. I went out and cleanned the snow from last nights storm off the vehicles, got the plow truck running and plowed my yard, my neighbors yard and my son's yard. I also started up and cleaned off my son's car, and shoveled all the walk ways. I then had a nice warm cup of coffee, took my shower and headed to the surgeons. I arrived there early (as usual, A sometimes bad trait of mine) and proceeded to sit around waiting for the doctor to show up.....who by the way was an hour late as he appearantly did not adjust his schedule to morning snow traffic. I had zero sympathy for him as I drove 20 miles further than him and was a half early for my appointment. The reason? Well because I allowed for slow driving and bad traffic...that's why. Well he spent all of 15 minutes to tell me everything was looking good and off I was to work. I stopped at home on the way to work and made 4 pieces of toast and a coffee for the ride to work. I was in no real hurry as I told them to expect me around 10:30 to 11 Am anyway. Also I was in comunication with my workers and handled a few problems while I was driving in. It felt real good to be in no particular hurry and the drive ended up being quite enjoyable as I listened to talk radio the whole time. So......now I am at work, taken control of things and settled in. It felt great to change the schedule a bit even if it was only a little. Now I feel good as the driveways are all done and I don't have to do them when I get home. It feels so nice to have a little free time just to be with me.......I am not sure why, perhaps it is because I neglect me a lot.... |
| Is it me or are people drifting apart? Lately I feel less connected to most of my friends here. I have been thinking about it and can't seem to put my finger on the whole thing. Have I acted or written differently? Are others are just plain too busy at this time in their lives? I used to converse very regular with 10 or 12 people here at WDC. Only a few, well three I guess even read me on a consistant bassis. I miss the comments and goofing around. What happened to that? Perhaps it boils down to the fact that I don't blog everyday or that they just grew tired of what I have to say? Or maybe their real lives just became so overwhelming that they don't have time for this place. It is probably just as much my fault ......as I told Bugzy, I am one to set strong boundries. Perhaps it is those boundries that cause a stopping point and the relationship dwindles. When exercising boundries, I tend to shut part of me out to others and they may see that as a sign of dis-interest. I miss Bugzy's cute comments as she pops in and out of my blog. The early morning conversations when most others are sleeping. Her finishing her night and me starting my day. I really miss that. I miss Inanna's wisdom as she always caused me to think about myself and how I interacted with the world. OH, not that some of these people don't still stop in periodically but it is different. I suppose I should be thankful for the 3 that still find some interest in what I say. Maybe it doesn't really matter ......as Michelle said yesterday or maybe the day before, she writes in her blog for herself...she needs the outlet of a journal..even if no one reads it. Perhaps she is right.......maybe that is all I am really doing here, just writting my thoughts to keep my sanity. How do we know that we are sane though? How do I know wether I am a solid writer putting my sane ideas in print or just halucinating and it is all a dream in my head? Possibly I could wake up any minute in some other bed, in some other town, with some other people and realize that what I thought was real was merely an elaborate dream. Phoowy you say! Who say's? Last year I watched that movie The Matrix .....it was intrigueing in a way as the whole world was a fabricated dream. Not one that was controlled as far as everyday life goes, so people had no idea they were not living a real life. Their real life was creating energy for the survival of a machine world. Their life was a distraction so they would not figure out they were being used. Am I really just laying in some orb somewhere creating electrical energy for some other's purpose? Is that why life hits us over the head with so many downfalls? Just their way of keeping us thinking about our problems so we don't have time to figure out what is really happening? It makes sense sometimes as the people I get close to seem to be bombarded with lives problems just when we start finding clues about the universe and it's many mysteries. It seems when I start having a connection above and beyond the everyday life, the flow is broken up by events. It seems that the more I push my quest for answers, the more questions I have. I guess part of the reason for that is I do not take things as true just because someone told me they were. I am anylitical I need my mind to make that decision for me. Sometimes I wish I was more gulable so I could relax and just believe. I am sorry to say that I am not a blind believer......no I am a questioner.....I don't see calm solitude in my surroundings, I see wonder and look for evidence as I don't follow the flock. Some peole can just lock onto a belief and let it guide their every move in life. I can not do that, I need to know the whys, whats and wheres.... Why would people believe global warming because some guy won a Nobel Prize for writting a paper about it? They believe the propagada even though we are having floods and severe cold weather through most of the US. Even though the Southpole is "growing" more ice everyday than is melting at the North pole. Even though our history shows us evidence of severe climate change in the past. Why is our current place in this world not related to evolution as much as man made global warming? Why do people keep rebuiding their houses on steep banks of mud merely months after a huge mudslide that ruined their old house? Why would a city that was built lower than sea level rebuild their broken damns and rebuild their flooded house just to sit their and wait for the next huricane and disaster? Then when it hits they want the government to compensate them. Isn't the burdon on them to relocate to a safer place? Why is it I can't just accept things as they are and just live a normal life? Perhaps it is because I am insane and the new drugs they are giving me are sending new and more vivid halucinations through my brain. I hope they feed me soon......I'm getting hungry. |
| A footnote to my blog yesterday, I did some research and feel I may have been a little off yesterday on one point. It is true that we can project our own fabricated image for others to see when writing . We are writers and fiction is our specialty. So, of couse we have the capability to guide readers to the conclusion we want even if it is an opinion in our likeness. The otherside of the story is our blogs. Because we tend to write a blog as a journal, we may not critique the essense of it as we would a story. With out realizing it, we leave a large picture of our true selves in our blogs for readers to get a decent overview of who we are and what may be going on deep in our subconcious. If a body of blogs, say a couple of months worth were read consectutively, a mental picture will form of the author and I believe we would recieve a much clearer picture of that person than they realize as little bits and pieces of their true self bleeds into the writing without them knowing it on a concious level. Even if a person spent time honing their blogs, because the subjects are sometimes daily and are of common issues, the trueness will still leak through. In the end we may give a more precise image of ourselves to others than we think. Perhaps they will know things we do not as our minds tend to hide certain things from our conciousness. It is intrigueing to think of the many tiny bits and pieces I may have given away to others. What things do they see that I don't? It seems this brings a level of importance to responses I receive from readers of my blogs. This feedback could contain a magnatude of important information to help me guide my thoughts to the right plane. Is it possible that I could learn some valuable things about myself, my character, the real me from deep inside? I wonder if I will be surprised? Does the thought scare you into thinking about giving up your blog or push you to a level of wonder and cause you to blog more? Isn't that what a journal actually is, a road map to your soul? |
| We all think highly of ourselves when we take stock in who and what we are. We tend to remember and dwell on all of our positive attributes then hide or discount our negative ones. In our minds eye, the reflextion we see in the mirror is distorted. When we meet new people we are on our best behavior, careful not to let any dragons rear their head. We are not honest with others and when they finally get to know us....well who knows what they will see. Meeting on paper or on line only shows a one sided dimision of our personality as we have the capability (wether we realize we are doing it or not) to create and shape others image of us through the manner in which we write. I suppose the better the writer, the more chance there are things thrown in that may not be a true reflextion of ourselves. On the other hand meeting in person allows us to judge what we see before we recieve a glimse of what is inside. That prejudging can lead us astray. We may like what we see and use that as our guide..........say marrying a beautiful person and hoping to change the horror that lies beneath the surface. Not to say all beautiful people are horrible because there are many who are fantastic...I just think the beauty distorts the pachage. Worse, discounting a good person because their looks do not meet a certain standard. Losing all chance of having a wonderful person in your life. Again the pachage is distorted. I think very few of us have the capability to see beyond the surface. There are those few lucky people who are beautiful inside and out.......to those we are all envious as they have the best of both worlds. I think people can train themselves to see a well rounded picture in their mind and give the physical image and mental image a chance to merge. It is not as tough as one might think. To me it seems the best way is to meet mentally first. Wether it be online, writing or on the phone. It seems that gives the chance of that internal connection first. In my case, I think I do a pretty good job giving people time to make a full impression on me. I must be honest though and admit that I do like looking at pretty things. Of course that does not make a relationship. I also wait for a connection. It may come instantly or could take a few meetings. the most important thing is to reserve judgement until you've met a few times at least. I let my gut instinct guide me and I must say I think that works pretty good for me. As we are being honest, I will admit that I have had relationships in the past with people that may be viewed as ....well not considered pretty by societies standards....why would I do that? Because of the connection and the person inside. Did I want them to be perfect on the outside? Sure I did but then I would have to be perfect too wouldn't I? There is a huge difference between sexy and sensualism.......hey! how did this blog all of a sudden become about sex? I didn't plan on that but what can I do. I do not plan blogs, I just write them and am just as suprised as you when I read them. I guess the point is that sex is somehow intertwined in everything we do. It is part of our essence and wether we admit it or not, it is a large part of our lives. It is the animal instinct in us that guide our thoughts and feelings. I believe that is where the sensualism comes in, an attraction without description. This all reminds me of a movie I saw with Jack Black. He somehow was only able to see the image of the person on the inside and that was the true reflextion of the person......It seems to me that during that time is when he had the best interaction with others. I think in the end it taught him not to judge people at first glance. Perhaps that is what we all need to learn. |
I am a man but what kind of man am I? I know some women that are very proud of their womenly traits, they thrive on their need to blab, to look pretty, to have a man open a door for them, to control men with their sensualism, to be able to cry for no reason. I know some men that have cement like muscles, they use women as objects, they take no crap from anyone, have no idea what they will say next but you can be sure it will offend someone, testerone dripping from their very essense and crying is for sissies. Women are drawn to this kind of man, they trip over their own bra size to get near them yet they complain about the insensitive nature. Though they scream for the sexual encounters, they also have to live with infidelity. They want his control but do not want to be controlled by him. I want to be be that man sometimes. To have my women buckle at the knees when I walk by. To see the flush in her face when I grab her un anounced yet she gives in with no fight. To see her drool in awe as I drop my pants. Honestly, I am not that man. My totesterone is quite lame in comparison and I care about a womens feelings. I encourage their sensuality yet still respect their point of view. I want an intelligent conversation and for her to be able to stand on her own two feet. I allow her to be confident be involved in decisions. I want her to be sensual and know what she wants. I have never caused a women to buckle at the knees and gasp a deep breath as I send some attention their way. I am not that man as I have been given some sensitive traits too. I want to bark like Tim Allen, I want to strut like Mr. T, I want to weild a gun like Clint Eastwood, I want to hit now and ask questions later..... but I just wait my turn in conversations and laugh probably a little too loud. I will walk away from a fight but can stand my ground if left no other option. I say the wrongs things sometimes and worry how people percieve me. I want women to like me and appreciate my sensitivity...only I don't show it much. Women say they want a guy like me but drop the poor sucker as soon as a HE--MAN walks into the room. I may not be a great HE-MAN but I think I am a good human. I care about more than myself and will help people in need. I should be proud about that. Don't mis understand, I am happily married and not looking for others. I think my wife appreciates me and our relationship is pretty good. I guess I just want to feel right inside and even though it doesn't affect me directly, there are pieces of me that get mad when I see others being treated wrong. It causes me to evaluate myself to try and understand what is right. Is it better to be a man like me or do I rationalize to make myself feel better? How many of you are honest with yourself? Do you admit to yourself what kind of man or women you really are? I'm talking deep inside the real you......do you know that person? |
| The days seem to be flashing by like pages of an artist's animated presentation. You know how each picture is just a bit different than the last and when you hold the pile up and let the pages fall from your thumb, the animation comes to life? Each page by themselves have very little meaning until they are all put together and shown on the big screen. There lies the problem, yesterday was only slightly different than the day before. As I remember it, I see nothing exciting and very little stands out. Today will be more of the same ....more like a blurr or a hicup in my memory. I want so much to understand the meaning of each individual day but fail to do so. Oh, I know that when my body is layed down and I have sucked in my last breath, I will be sitting somewhere either enjoying a tasty drink, basking in a wonderous warm sun or really miserable with perhaps too much heat as flames tarnish the very butt I use to sit on. Either way I am sure they will play the movie of my life and suddenly the meaningless days will transform into a full blown movie. The still snapshots of each day will radiate a life show of who I was and how I handled my life. Problem is, I fear it will be a very dull movie. How can I fill my days with the feeling of accomplishment? I have no idea how to produce a movie that holds the audience's attention. I have no training in special effects and there are no well known actors around me to draw attention from my meadioca performance. Sadly, It's a "B" movie in the end. I realize that I can write a pretty cool story and in my mind it is exciting......some say when reading it, emotions roll off the script and leave a momentary impression. I guess that means I have given them some pleasure with my writting. I can live a wonderful life through that means. I do get excited when others enjoy what I write, but the enjoyment doesn't last long as my life flashes on screen to remind me it is merely a story. I proudly say I am in control of my life when really I am flowing down river letting the current and fate take over. The bruises from bouncing off the rocks, the dodging of the tree branches as I am wisked down stream are relentless and remind me of who is in control and it is not me. Though it may sound like I am complaining, I am not. I have many goods things going on around me and plenty of good people to remember. There is something missing though, like I find the right seat and the lights dim, the credits to the movie start rolling across the screen but something is not right, something is missing. Perhaps it is the popcorn or the super large $5.00 soda, goobers or raisonettes. Something..... I hate going to bed thinking over my day and realizing there are only a few minutes that are meaningful. What happened to the other 23 1/2 hours? I get the shaky feeling that there is something I am not doing, a purpose I misssed, maybe it was in the fine print as I never read that. Like settling down into the nice warm bed, all cuddled up and comfortable on a severley cold night and it hits you.......There is something overlooked.....something did not get done....but what was it ....did I shut off the inside light of my car, is the fridge door shut tight, did I lock the door? I think I did but have no choice but to crawl back into the frigid cold and check. After checking all those and finding everything in it's proper place, there is nothing left but to slip into the, now very cold bed with that nagging feeling still in the back of my mind........something is missing....what did I miss? |
| What is it about a single autum leave basking in the sun and radiating it's vibrant colors to the world? Why do some see the beauty and stare in awe of the miracle before them while others pay no attention and treat it as just another nusance that they will eventually have to rack up and dispose of with thousands of others? It seems we were designed to experience great wonders within our selves yet some do not open their eyes nor ears. How fair is this world to most people? There are so many good people suffering ..........one sided love affairs, financial incongruence, uncaring and down right mean people trying with all their might to control others. Is our world designed to favor the worst in people? The best souls I know see the world around them with a full satisfaction of it's mere creation, yet they seem to be the ones left to struggle. They radiate real life as raw emotion spills out for all to see and enjoy but recieve nothing in return. They are left behind as the cream rises to the top and takes control. Money talks and we see that in our news daily. The powerful ones control our lives and decide our destinies. In a time when so many people are struggling, our president declares a state of emergency to create funds for the inaugeration. Appearantly George Bush spent around 43 million dollars when he was sworn in......way too much spending in my book. Today they are spending 150 million.....three times as much! We are in dire times, we have (without my approval) bailed out private enterprise, sent millions to other countries, are on the cusp of a finacial colapse yet we can spend 150 million dollars (50 million private funds and a whopping 100 million in tax payers money) for a party to celebrate our new President. This is the guy who promised change.......promised change........moving away from the old way of wasting tax payers money and government spending..........Well I guess it is change as we tripled our cost for an Inaugeration party. This is the time that a new President should stand up and tell the American people to forget the party for now, that we can't afford this expense right now as our financial system needs all the funds we can spare. How can our governement expect the private sector to learn from their mistakes when they are lead by example. How many of you were allowed to vote on the bailout money or the party funds? Who said we could spend trillions of dollars to help people who did such a poor job running a business that our complete economic structure could fail because of it.......so in remedy we give them more money to throw away..............And they are lining up with their hands out yet again as we speak!. That decision was made by our elected officials....the very ones who do not have to worry about money or retirement or healthcare.......all is provided for them.......at the expense of all us little people who are wondering where our next dollar will come from as we huddle around the woodstove wrapped in a blanket ...suffering from the (Global warming?)...... Don't get me wrong, this President was elected by the people and I will support him as I would any new President but so far he is not radiating the hope he protrayed during the campain. He is not standing up to the task and is spending a lot of time pointing at the previous administration as he bleeds our tax dollars. I am pretty darn worried as I drain my own check book to pay the mortgage and heating costs. I wonder where it will end as I read the stories of the suffering souls who have no idea what to do next. Just reading the blogs here cause a deep sigh as the sound of my heart breaking shadows the misery around me. If someone accused me of stealing $500.00 even with no proof, I would be arrested and thrown in jail......yet the guy who store Billions....yes Billions from people is allowed to stay in the luxury of his own home....he is given special priviledges for his testimony...what? .......That's funny my testimony would be in a room full of detectives with a bright light shinning in my eyes...in trade I might get a glass of water or a phone call...and they say money can't talk! So you don't get the wrong idea, I love money and am always looking to get more of it. I know there are select "good" people out there with money, you don't hear about them because they are good people and don't use their wealth to control other's lives. It just seems there are many more who abuse it. They are the ones that treat the rest of us like the nusance of an autum leave. |
| I had surgery Wednesday.......for those of you who don't know, I had an accident more than a year ago and am still recouping. This surgery was removing the final 6 teeth that were damaged in the accident and then while waiting for permanant teeth they installed these temp teeth .... bridges they called them. I like them because now I can smile when I talk to people and I don't have to hide my true feelings as my true feelings seem to shadow what ever my face is showing. I don't really think I will like the maintenence of these bridges and I am still adapting to talking with them in....but it is something I can live with compared to looking like a goob for a year with a bunch of teeth missing. I am anxiously waiting for the replacements. I am hungry because I can't really eat what I want for a few days and that sucks.........I want real food...the good stuff. |
| I can't seem to describe my inner feelings of late. On the surface I have enjoyed some pretty good times and suppose I could write about that. However, there is somthing internal that screams for recognition. I am uneasy and alert. The way one feels when there is question lingering in the air. I am not able to pinoint the source or reason but I feel it strongly......just under the skin.....inches away from spilling out all over the floor. It is hard to describe as I don't understand it myself. Could it be a false signal or perhaps merely an on coming sickness like a cold or flu? I was always one that felt grounded and sure of my direction but now I am constantly second guessing my actions. Why am I so unsure of things? I can overcome and rationalize my feeling. Force myself to push these feeling deep and live on the surface, but it keeps coming back like a vicious cycle reminding me there is something wrong. Only I can't see anything wrong....well at least out of the ordinary everyday problems we all face. You know the ones......relationships, financial obligations, mechanical problems, Murphey's law, the normal stepping stones of life that seem to reach up and interupt our day. The problems that cause our bipolar circle of emotions. No this is bigger than that and causes a deeper worry. I just can't put my finger on it and being a man of anylitical thoughts.....this drives me crazy. Perhaps that is it...... If a person is truely crazy in every medical sense of the word, would they think they were ok? Wouldn't they feel that they were sane and the people they were dealing with just did not understand? Have you ever heard of a person admitting and realizing they were crazy other than as a defense in court? I suspect a truely crazy person would feel relatively normal in their own thoughts. Perhaps they would notice a deep feeling that they could not describe. Something just under the surface but still beyond reach.. maybe an un easy but alert feeling? |
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But, honestly, I take the good with the bad, even when it is really bad. Emotions are a huge, huge part of who we are and sometimes holding them back doesn't allow us to truly experience life.
I don't really know what it takes to be a writer but heck, I like to do it and it seems the more I write the more I like what I write. That, I think is the most important thing about being a writer. 