This is the story in your portfolio with fewest views, so I thought I would read it and boost it's view rate. Also, I have a problem with music, so the title appealed to me .
This menacing story has all the good ingredients and you are a great chef. You build the suspense, decribe your character so clearly, and develop the plot very well. There is even a flick in the tail, which neatly ties up a stray end .
I enjoyed this very much.
Technical Nit-picking
fools-fools and her-her fools - fools... and her - her.... you need to leave a space either side of the dash.
but he tried not to let those times last too long...until the cymbals I think you need to round this paragraph off a little differently. As it is, it looks like the cymbals stopped him from not making "those times last too long." That's not what you mean. You could sort this out by just adding a phrase.but he tried not to let those times last too long. Yes, he was content in his work - until the cymbals.
This is a heart-warming anecdote, which shows how strong your family is.
As a new-comer to your portfolio, I was a little destracted by the reference to the rehab centre and then the severe level of your incapacity. I decided that you must have been getting over a stroke, a spinal injury, or something like that. I am probably completely wrong. I think it would be good to briefly explain what your circumstances were.
I know you probably have given full details elsewhere in your portfolio, but each piece should stand by itself, unless it is obviously linked to other pieces, like chapters in a book, for instance.
I enjoyed your writing style and found this very easy to read. I spotted no errors.
Thank you for posting this essay on "Invalid Item"
I think this is a mature and well argued essay. You give examples and examine both sides of the argument.
I think you could improve it by offering more references. This means that the website and newspaper articles you mention should be credited. Maybe you could enrich your essay with more quotations from opposing sides.
Some Americans feel very insulted when the response to the Katrina disaster is criticised, why is this? There is fervent denial of racism or selfishness widely expressed in relation to this question. How do these people justify their strong denial? Look for quotes and give them. The more the merrier.
Tens of thousands had no transportation to leave, give sources for such claims.
You need to break up the paragraphs more. You should also set it out with line spaces between paragraphs.
Run it through a spell checker. I spotted one typo, but there could be more.
poverty was one of s the central causes
I loved the quote you gave “When someone is drowning, you throw him a rope, you don’t criticize the way he is swimming.” I just wish you knew who said it.
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I loved the intense descriptions. It made me want to go and make some pumpkin pies of my own. You captured the atmosphere of the warm kitchen and the character of the nervous young man so well.
with a smile that titled almost perfectly on her face. I don't inderstand this expression. Is it a typo - or just a usage I have not heard before?
even now, she wore her up. This lost me too - maybe I'm just dim-witted today!
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You use strong imagery and the story has a good pace. There are just a few small errors, that a thorough edit will iron out. This is a sadly topical theme, and it may distress some.
This is such an unusual, fresh story. I really loved you style and wanted to story to go on and on. The character of Charlie is wonderful, I hope he survived.
"...he tried to manuever his large, ponderous body..." manoeuvre or maneuver.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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I love the description. You have a talent for observation and I was impressed by the little incidents you picked out. The cigarette ash on the window, the reaction of the window-shopper and the lady in the red scarf.
This is also a fascinating insight into the seriousness of insomnia. I found the conversation with Clive informative and it made me realise how terrible insomnia must be.
There were a couple of typos, (eg: in two places you've used "bye" incorrectly by, and "bellow" should be below.)
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog*flower*
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Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item" with this story. It is fun and imaginative.
I have a couple of tips for you. Firtly, it is easier on tired screen-weary eyes if you separate your paragraphs with a line space. Also, I think this is a little too reminiscent of Harry Potter. The success of the Harry Potter stories has spawned a new genre of its own - based on magic schools. Your story is carefully written but would be even better if it had a more original premise.
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This is a moving story that neatly illustrates the grief and confusion caused by Katrina. Even little children empathised with the plight of their fellow men.
I read this story because it had such a glowing review from another author.
I have to say that it is a beautiful piece of writing. Although years and cultures separate us, this brought back such pleasant memories for this old bat.
The voice of the story is pristine and in perfect character. The casual, yet vivd language conveys the mood and sense wonderfully.
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The quality of the writing is good. You have a pleasing rhythm and style.
I found the opening paragraphs easy to read because the language and variety of sentence structure pulled me into the prose. I found the subject matter a little lack-lustre. So often, certain types of story open with this, "I don't know how long I've been here..." scenario. You do warn, at the beginning, that this story is part of a larger group and that knowledge of the whole series is recommended, so maybe my mild irritation with the cliched scene, is unfair.
This story is not complete. It seems to be more of a chapter in a a much longer work. This made it difficult for me to see it as a piece that would be published as a stand-alone item. You ask whether there are any recommendations for commercial publishing. My only suggestion would be to make it a complete story.
I spotted one technical flaw;
The reflection of me in the mirror is unfamiliar I would phrase this slightly differently, My reflection in the mirror is unfamiliar...
Thank you for posting this beginning of a story on "Invalid Item" I loved it.
I usually like your writing and you did not disappoint me with this. I can't wait to read the finished story. The characters are interesting me, already. I also found your description. (eg, mud pot gray skies of early winter gurgled overhead, ) vivid.
I happen to live in a close-knit village community, where I know almost everyone I see, when I walk down the high street. It is one of the reasons I choose to live here. Neighbourly interest and support is essential to me.
This story could go in so many directions, I suppose you are spoilt for choice. Maybe there is a romance in the offing. What ever you decide to do with this, please finish it, and let me know when you do.
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I am sorry that it has taken me some time to review it. I have been away on holiday.
I had to do some research about Michael Brown and his job in The Federal Emergency Management Agency. His resignation did not make big news here in the UK, unless it was just that I was too busy stomping through heather, to notice.
It seems that he was a well respected under secretary who had been put in his job by George W. Bush himself. The irony of his glowing biography on the FEMA website is quite chilling. Brown is praised for his lightning-fast reactions to a list of disasters including a 2003 hurricane. It seems he lost some of his skills between then and 2005.
Your poem is only 8 lines long and does a good job of high-lighting an over-looked news story. I think you could have made it longer and helped poor ignorant, non-Americans to understand more deeply. It is not entirely clear what you think of Michael Brown and his resignation. Your point seems to be that too much time was spent covering his departure from his post, when there were other, more news-worthy stories. But you may be saying that Michael Brown did a fine job, and his resignation meant that the potential disaster went unreported because he was not there to respond to it. I think you may want to be more explicit.
The structure of the poem could be improved. Some of the rhymes seem contrived. For example, anymore and floor does not work well. The rhyme is fine, but the word choice does not sound natural. It seems that floor has been selected purely for the rhyme.
The famous Twin Towers, they don't exist anymore.
Hijacked planes turned buildings into a floor.
could be smoothed out to something like,
New York's Twin Towers aren't there anymore,
Highjacked planes shook America's core.
I don't think that's great, but it's slightly neater. Maybe you could play around with it and come up with a perfect solution.
You should also watch your rhythm more carefully. Try syllable counting and match the lines for beats and stresses. This will make the poem flow better.
You have a good, original idea here. I hope you will find time to iron out some of the creases, and add more flesh.
I have tears in my eyes as I write this review. What a wonderful woman your Aunt Julie is. I am so glad that Rock had the good fortune to meet her.
You are right about freedom being a state of mind. You are also right about people like your aunt making such a huge difference to the world. We should all try to be like her.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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Ha, and people think dogs are a hygeine risk. I've never had a dog go past 4 months old and still be messing on the floor.
Seriously, though, I used to run a nursery school, and it is a fact that boys take longer to potty train. My rule of thumb was that a child can control his bowels when he actively alters his position, the better to let something out. From that point on, they were taken to the potty every half hour or so, and sometimes even fed while sitting on the potty. It may be time consuming, but it works. The child soon becomes fed up with the continuous interruptions to their playing time. Having said that, some children are just plain stubborn - it can turn into a handy little attention-seeking ploy - so beware. Sometimes the relaxed approach is best.
Lovely piece of writing. I hope you save this and let his father read it as part of his speech at your son's wedding.
Thank you for posting this poem on "Invalid Item" .
This seems to be a love poem, and may be an intensely personal piece of writing, but I was left wondering what lay behind it. Is Daniel dead? The references to descending from Heaven, seemed to suggest so. Is he a rock star? The praise of his voice might indicate this. I think you should make the poem more explicit.
There is imagery here, but some of the language seemed over-complicated. For instance, this line, Drowning in your voice is my paramount delight sounds slightly pompous. The word, paramount, is unecessarily cumbersome. It even flashed an image of a mountain framed with stars, the Paramount Studios logo, before my eyes. Why not simplify to gain greater impact? Are you referring to a singing voice, or a speaking voice? What is the voice like? You could give so much more detail and meaning to this line.
Deliberately breaking the mold for God’s design this line is ambiguous. What does it mean? In what way does Daniel break the mould? This is also an example of cliche. There should be no room for cliche in a poem.
Daring my uncontrolled passion to ignite this line is confusing. If the passion is uncontrolled, then hasn't it already been lit? Maybe you mean, Daring my suppressed passion to ignite . Beware of cliche here too. Passion and fire are often linked. It would be better to find an original image.
I noticed that all the lines began with D. I am not sure if this construction added to the poem. The line, Difficult to forget and even more difficult to find seemed to start with the word, difficult simply to fit the format. A form should never seem contrived.
I hope my comments are of some use to you.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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. This is a clever verse and i did not see the punch-line coming.