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Review of Severed  Open in new Window.
Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for posting this poem on "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. I am sorry that it has taken me some time to get round to reviewing it. Thank you for being patient.

The idea behind this poem is excellent. I love the way you dive straight in with the first line. It shocks the reader and pulls us in.

Being English, I do not know Emily Dikenson, very well. Your reference in your comment, made me wonder if this poem is in the style of that poet. If it is, I would say that she would be pretty proud of her influence here. Maybe this also explains the lack of capital letters at the beginning of each line, and the seemingly arbitrary enjambement.

The intense imagery is excellent. You really make your feelings clear, which is what poetry is all about.

My favourite lines are,
*Bullet* I am an Amputee
*Bullet* my mind itches
along the edges


I think the stanza that begins, the Trauma is too great seems too melodramatic to me. Losing a loved one to death is a trauma, not missing them while they are away for a while. I think hyperbole, like this weakens, your theme.

The final stanza has a strange lay-out. I could not see a reason for it. Unless you wanted to make the lines look like the letter E, is this your husband's initial? If this is what you wanted, the final two lines should be set apart.

I hope my thought are of some use to you.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a stunning poem. Congratulation on writing it.

The imagery is absolutely wonderful. I love the heron and the winter wheat. A great poem that deserves to be read by everyone.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Your characterisation and narrative voice is excellent. The humour is lovely and gentle.

The plot of this story is not important, satisfying though it is. The story has much more to do with satire and characterisation.

It does need a general edit; these are the errors I spotted.

Suggestions

Parish Priest Poleaxe by Crib Shepherd maybe there should be a "d" on the end of "poleaxe."

a voucher for “skidpan driving experience”, a “bungee jump” or a Sky Dive entitled “Heaven to Hell in 50 seconds” I think the inverted commas and capital letters become sdistracting here. Try, a voucher for a skidpan driving experience, a bungee jump or a sky dive, advertised as, Heaven to Hell in 50 seconds

I think you should mention that Gabrielle is a woman. I know it is a female name, but some might miss this.

congregations at Funerals, and, Main Stream Churches and Christian Denominations the capital letters (in bold) here are not necessary. You tend to over-use capital letters, in general. Maybe you should check through and alter many of them to lower-case.

take the wait off your feet *Right* weight.

Pope of Rome surely Pope would suffice. Maybe this is an idiosyncratic title given to the Pope by these particular characters, in which case keep it, but maybe put it in italics.

...Father Mathew would put in an appearance. And he did complete ... *Right*...Father Mathew would put in an appearance - and he did complete..., or you could use a semicolon.

Tell us what happened. Pastor Jack... You missed the close of inverted commas here. Tell us what happened." Pastor Jack ...

The other boxes had the animals... *Right* contained.

Two angels who looked a bit like they could ... and ...Annie that this was a bit over the top... I would recommend deleting "a bit."

...a Parishioner, normally a good catholic,... now, this time you need a capital letter.

He was also hoping that the awful smell of singed hair would disperse, as the flowers Annie had bought had failed. this sentence seems unfinished. *Right* He was also hoping that the awful smell of singed hair would disperse, as the flowers Annie had bought had failed to conceal the odour. or maybe, He was also hoping that the awful smell of singed hair would disperse, where the flowers Annie had bought had failed.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This essay is written with exceptional accuracy in terms of your writing style.

Not having studied the history of Haiti, but being aware of some of the major news stories concerning that country, I found the details you gave very interesting. Some of them are statements of fact. I wondered where these facts came from. It is always a good idea to give a list of references at the end of such an essay.

I was particularly interested in knowing from where the Dick Cheney references came.

You write:Cheney, one of the staunchest supporters of the South African apartheid government at the time, after watching a video showing high school age student nonviolent protests cut down with automatic weapons, responded that United States doesn't interfere with the internal political problems of sovereign nations. I was shocked to learn that Cheney supported apartheid. From where did you get this anecdote?

It is true that International law states that one country should not intefere with the political problems of sovereign states. That is what all the WMD hoo ha was about in relation to the Iraqi invasion.

This is the crux of the problem with Zimbabwe as far as the UN are concerned. While Mugabe does nothing to threaten another country, International Law states that it is illegal for another country to interfere with Mugabe's regime. Many of us are seeing that this is a stand-point of questionable morality.

Whatever made Bush and Blair and the other coalition leaders invade Iraq may be irrelevant. The fact is the invasion got rid of Saddam and is attempting to re-establish law and order. Do you think this was a bad outcome? Do you think the US government should have invaded Haiti and ended the inhumane Duvallier regimes? If so, it would be consistant to support the invasion of Iraq.

Your point about slavery is well made. You are right to note the nobility of a heritage of slavery; It would be good for the modern world to learn from the atrocities of the past and for those who are still opressed not to add self-loathing to their disadvantages. However, our heritage, no matter what its level of worthiness, is just that. We are the present - and we cannot claim the nobility, or the sins, of our forefathers.

Your essay is thought provoking and spirited. I am glad I read it, and I will learn more about the history of Haiti as a result of it.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This story is a great allegory. It reminded me in style and premis of Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. If you have not read it, you should. I am sure you would enjoy it.

The strong story-line is fascinating and satisfying. I enjoyed the folk-tale tone and the thesis was carefully embedded.

I spotted a couple of tiny errors.

Suggestions

I here a voice within me, *Right* hear.

My advise is that ... *Right* advice. Unless this is an American spelling, the noun has "c" and the verb has "s."

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you for posting this travelogue on ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

It is written in a lovely chatty tone. I love the name, Mary Duck! It sounds like this was a great trip. I am glad you had the opportunity to see something of Europe.

I am extending the July contest to include August.

This piece will be included in the judging and an announcement of the winners will be made September 1st.

You can enter another piece too, if you like.

I noticed a couple of edit points that you may like to consider.

Suggestions
Gosh, it’s been fifteen so I can’t remember you could tidy up the grammar in this piece by checking it for slips like this one; I think you missed out the word, "years."

"...we made it to Berchtesgaden at like nine at night..." This may be a little too informal, it would be better to omit "like."

They were a good size, off white in size and a dark roof. there is a typo here.

Here are 500 GPs, to thank you for your entry for the July contest, and I wish you good luck for the 10,000GP prize.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a lovely travel stroy; I would have liked to know more.

Thank you for posting it on ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

I would love to visit Ecuador. This secret garden sounds fantastic. I was so intrigued by the description of the guantas that I looked them up on the net, and found this website which gives lots of interesting information and a photograph:
http://www.puce.edu.ec/Investigacion/fatima/Guante...

Here are 500 gps because there were only two entrants for the July contest - maybe eveyone is too busy, travelling.

You entry will be considered together with the August entrants for the main prize of 10,000 GPs.

The winner will be shosen 1st September.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog{e;flower5}
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Review of Together As One  Open in new Window.
Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think this is a terrific idea. I love the way you have set it out on the page. I love the way it can be read as one poem or as two. The slight changes of word or perspective in each half is also very effective.

I think you could improve this by making more of the sound of the words. You could try and use short, clicky words for tension, long vowel words for yearning, etc. More imagery would add visual strength to this.

Two words I did not think worked well were "races," and "stiff." I think "nations" and "firm," would work better, JMO.

This is such a good idea, and the repetition is so haunting, I hope you keep at it, to make it perfect.

Love

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very interesting story. Written with loquacity that would put Conan Doyle in the shade, this story will not appeal to all. There are many readers who would find it difficult to follow, and then, when all the pleonasm is reduced; would not understand the point.

The style is entirely your own. It is reminiscent of an 19th Century author, but is more opaque and less progressive.

It may be that you have made a very clever logical point here; but I fail to see it. This may be due to my own ignorance, but having studied logic, admittedly at an amateur level, for some time, I find your premise imprecise. Is that just the point? This is, no doubt, intended to be comedy and the inane ramblings of the characters are designed to amuse.

Because the language was so clearly gleaned from a thesaurus, rather than from casual familiarity with the style of writing you seek to parody, the whole seems awkward. It falls between two stools - one of clarity and plot and the other of satire or homage.

You have certainly written something very different here, and I will read it through another few times, to see if there is something I am missing. For the present, though, I would advise you to sharpen the style by trimming excessive verbiage and concentrating, instead on complex sentence structure and accuracy.

Suggestions

certain logical beliefs his is inelegant if not inaccurate. Logic is not belief. Try, certain conjectures

Your style seems to be a hybrid; “or had escaped, about fifty-four seconds before the inception of your last sentence.” The word "inception" has been popped in here in an attempt to make this fit the style; whereas the simpler and more convincing substitution ought to have been for the word, "about." *Right* “Or had escaped, approximately fifty-four seconds before the utterance of your last sentence.” Speech should begin with a capital letter.

“And what item was thieved?” is another example of inelegant phrasing. Try “And what item was purloined?”


Best wishes


Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Coffee Stains  Open in new Window.
Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Scottiegazelle Author IconMail Icon

I thought I owed you a good review *Wink*.

The characterisation in this story, is excellent.

Clearly this has been written to illustrate a dreadful situation for the benefit of those who find themselves in a similar one. The links given at the end will be very helpful, I'm sure.

Was there a word limit? I think this could be deeper and longer.

Abused women often blame themselves and find it difficult to leave because they rely on their abusive partner, not just for money and status, but often because it is the only relationship in their lives.

You touched on the feeling of shame that an abused woman feels, near the end; "...she wouldn’t have to come up with any excuses since there were no visible bruises." but up to then, she seemed defiant. The narration seems to be from her point of view, and this makes the reader feel that you are giving the woman's thoughts. I suspect that this is not your intention.

This line, for instance, "No mention of the long days she spent on her feet waitressing." seems to be her thoughts. An abused woman, who is still not ready to leave, is unlikely to think like this. She would feel that her abuser has a valid point. She would belittle her responsibility and effectiveness, in her own mind. If you want to make the point that she does not deserve the criticism, you might use the voice of the man to convey it or maybe have another character, like a friend, make the point.

The abuser could say something like, "And don't think that pathetic little waitressing job, you waste your time at, is a good enough excuse not to keep this place clean." Do you see what I mean?

I also think more abused women would identify with this if you focussed more on the woman's shame. This is often the hardest thing for such a woman to get over. She would feel that her situation makes her a low-life, worthless person. She would think, "If the man I love, and is supposed to love me, can do these things to me - what a bad person I must be."

These are just my opinions, but I hope they are helpful. I have one friend who was abused for 18 years. She is now in a happy marriage, but she has often spoken to me about her former misery. My interpretation of the victim mentality within abusive relationships has been formed through lengthy discussion of the subject with her and other former victims. Even now, my friend will say things like, "I'm such a bad judge of character." She still blames herself in some way.

Tiny Notes

She poured the juice and put it back in the fridge. maybe, she poured the juice and put the carton back in the fridge. would be less ambiguous. The only reason this is worth clearing up is that it may distract the reader, the way it stands.

He ignored it and dove back into his breakfast. this may be a trans-Atlantic difference but how do you think, dived sounds, rather than dove?

From a quick glance at all the awardicons in this folder, it seems that you are well on your way to becoming a very successful, published author. I hope my suggestions here help in some tiny way, but at no stretch, would I claim superior expertise in this field.


Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I saw this poem on ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** .

It is a well-crafted poem with good meter and rhyme.

I enjoyed the poetic language and thought you handled it well.

Couloured text usually puts me off, but this was so clearly relevent, that it adds to the poem.

The description of the phoenix's life-cycle was vivid. More reference to the legend's relevency and examples here, in modern life, would have made this poem perfect.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Thank you for posting this charming reminiscence on the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

I thoroughly enjoyed reading about the Kris Kringle markets. You described the atmosphere so vividly. I look forward to reading your other travel stories. Keep them coming.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I picked this up from the Reviews Request Page.

I love your conversational style and although you may feel that some of my suggestions will ruin this, try them and see. I think you can still keep the flavour of the piece, and make it a bit neater.

The story is excellent fun. It is entertaining and vivid. I enjoyed your description of the Cathedral river, particularly.

Suggestions

While I am not an advocate of total active voice, I do think this phrase needs trimming and activating (eurgh - I just couldn't resist that word.) "It is here that the river begins and flows its few miles ...", *Right*"From here, the river flows..."

It's not very wide, it sure is short, but the river is abundant with large King Salmon. How about: "It's not very wide and it sure is short, but it has abundant stocks of King Salmon."?
Maybe, "... but it was flipping and flashing with King Salmon." would be even better.

"We would always take in at least a 25 pound sack of potatoes with us because we would catch a fresh King Salmon each day..." I think you should cut the woulds out of this (and other places). *Right* We always took at least 25 pounds of potatoes with us, because we caught a fresh salmon each day..." You might want to trim this sentence too. It could make two, or even three shorter ones.

"...we had a pretty popular camp. Folks from different camps..." The repetition of camp needs correcting.

On this one particular occasion, I had been fishing all afternoon and I had just gotten back to camp. I had caught a fine looking king and had put it in the stream just below camp. This passage needs reworking to clear out the passive dead-wood. This is an example of what I would do, On one occasion, I spent the whole afternoon fishing. I caught a fine King, which I put in a stream just below camp to keep fresh.

As I pulled in, I saw my friend sitting on a stump looking sadly and totally dejected. too many words here. Try, As I pulled into camp, I saw my friend sitting on a stump, looking dejected.

“Spencer,” I asked, “what’s the matter?” “Michael,” he said, “We’re out of potatoes.” this needs to be set out correctly. Each new speaker should begin a new paragraph ~ unless this is an English rule, you Americans do not have. All new items of speech should have a capital initial letter, even if the phrase is the continuation of an earlier fragment of a spoken sentence. It should be like this: ...."What's the matter?"

"Michael," he said, "We're out of potatoes."

dollars apiece! I think apiece should be two words, *Right* a piece.

I hope these notes are of some use to you. I really enjoyed reading this story and hope you polish it up to make it a five star tale.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This phenomena has been in the UK news recently. High-way authorities are trying to stop the public building road-side shrines, because the more elaborate ones are a real danger to road users. Drivers slow-down to look at the tributes, and this alone can cause traffic problems. Added to that, some of these shrines become so big, that they cause obstructions and make the spot even more dangerous, than its recent history suggests.

I think your essay is an important examination of the value of these sentimental, and basically pointless shows of public grief. I am not even convinced that the people who inundate these memorials, are actually grief-stricken. It seems to me that they often do not know the victim (or they would wait for the funeral to show their respects) and are simply indulging in mawkish displays.

When someone dies, the living are the ones who need comfort. The parents of the child in your story may be comforted by the spontaneous out-pouring of community grief, but most would prefer a respectful message on a card, or a collection for a memorial plaque.

It is human contact - warm arms - that grieving people need. They need real sympathy, and people to listen to them - not teddy-bears, ribbons and cut-flowers.

I hope your essay is read widely, and this tatty ritual becomes something of the past.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This slightly tongue-in-cheek essay was fun to read. You exhaustively cover the disadvantages (real and imagined) of pet ownership.

Just for fun, here are some of the advantages of pet ownership, as opposed to child rearing:

*Bullet* Dogs and cats do not wear Nike, Reebok or any other silly brand-names.

*Bullet* Pets do not flunk high-school.

*Bullet* Pets don't play loud music.

*Bullet* Pets don't answer back.

*Bullet* Pets don't bring all their weird friends home.

*Bullet* Pets don't marry totally obnoxious wasters.

*Bullet* Pets don't take drugs - it's even difficult to get some pets to take wormers.

*Bullet* Pets don't borrow money.

*Bullet* Pets eat their dinner.

*Bullet* Pets don't require land-fill sites in which to store their dirty nappies (diapers).

*Bullet* Pets don't grow up and become president.

Back to your essay: I spotted just a few little slips:

"also arrive in multiples as well." This is an example of pleonasm - too many words - you can delete "as well".

Typo alert: prefer the artic sun *Right* Arctic, although the idea of a sixteen-wheeler sun, appeals to me *Laugh*.

Unfinished phrase here: Everything from the type of climate in your state is a factor ... you need Everything from...to...

Typo alert: Their grown, ... *Right* They're grown...

If you want more convincing that pets are a responsibility worth enduring - even if it's just for the comedy value - read; "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and, "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Thank you for the giggle.

Best wishes
Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Votive  Open in new Window.
Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for posting this poem on "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

I love the title, and the poem. It is full of very vivid imagery, I particularly liked,
her finger
touched in wax
dropped petal after petal

The last three lines work well for me too. I loved the rhyme of ashen...passion.

Is this the sighting of a strikingly beautiful woman, across a crowded restaurant? It maybe a rather corny premise, but beautifully done.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for posting this on "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

At first glance, this poem may seem a typical man's undomesticted cry for his mommy. He seems to want his lover back, so she can do the dishes, and keep the house clean.

Actually, this poem is much more than thet. It is a metaphor for a wish to purge all the hurt and misunderstanding of a relationship. The dirty kitchen stands for the neglected love, and the promise to clean it up is a promise to try harder in future.

I particularly liked the line, I will let it mold grass green, send
spores adrift, to call you home. It is slightly shocking in its imagery, but also original and witty.

This is an interesting and multi-layered poem.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This description of your wonderful holidays in the Adirondack mountains, is wonderful. I enjoyed it so much. Thank you for posting it on ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** .

I is great to have such rich memories of a place you love. I have never allowed myself to return to a holidy destination, because I am always searching for new experiences, but I see from your writing, that I am missing out on that happy familiarity that makes this sort of vacation so satisfying.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of A Day to Remember  Open in new Window.
Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This story made me smile, but my stomach was churning with you. I do not like heights either, and like you, it is only certain sorts of heights I don't like - high open places, like a cliff path, or a railless parapet or a ski-lift are the worst. The description of the feeling that one is going to throw oneself off, at the beginning of this piece is very accurate.

I really enjoyed this story and think it was very brave of you march off down the ski slope, thank goodness you were not mowed down by racing boarders.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for posting this fine story on "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

I love reading about the wilderness and this story particularly appealed to me because it included a faithful hound. I have written a story about surviving off the land, "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Have a look, if you have the time.

Your story was enjoyable to read but I think there is some editing to do. You need to check for repetition and spelling errors, here are a few slips, I noticed:

Suggestions
*Bullet* German Shepperd *Right* German Shepherd (I loved the dog's name, by the way *Smile*)
*Bullet* He always tries to collect a pin you've changed tense here, you need, tried
*Bullet*In this case, the intruder could range from a person to an unfortunate bird. the repetition of "intruder" sounds a little awkward, and you do not tell us what was approaching.
*Bullet* they saw many berry bushes more detail here would be good. Name the berries if possible, and describe them.
*Bullet* Once he was done... you begin quite a few sentences with "Once"- beware repetition.
*Bullet* Carl would relax and enjoy ... It is better to avoid using "would" like this. You slip into this mood and out of it, at different times in your story. By cutting "would", you make your story sound more immediate and active.

I do love the idea of this story and am sure that you can polish it up into a gem.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Mac  Open in new Window.
Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I saw this on the Review request Page.

This is a vivid study of a character. The story is sad and hopeless, which is what most of us see when we see people like Mac. I am not sure about the incest. It seems unnecessary to me. Do you need him to be without redemption - character-wise?

I would urge you to edit this piece, carefully. You need to get rid of fragments and clean up the sentence structure in places. It would be helpful to the reader, if you separated all the paragraphs with a line space.

Do you think a more catchy title might help this story?

Suggestions

*Bullet*The machine spit out ten fresh cards... *Right* spat

*Bullet*so she was happy when he came in. this phrase seems redundant. You could just omit it, and it would not take anything away from the sentence.

*Bullet*The recliner was old and tearing at the seams. I suggest, ...torn at the seams. This is simpler and smoother.

*Bullet*A terrible one that Mac never fully recovered from. This is a fragment. It should be connected to the previous sentence. It is also wise, in most cases, to avoid ending a sentence with a preposition. *Right* ...a terrible one, from which he had never fully recovered. Some may think this is pedantic, but I think it gives a more polished tone to writing.

*Bullet*Mac’s wife, Gloria, had died only two years before Grace’s accident in her own—hers taking place in the bathtub. this sentence is confusing. I suggest you rewrite it, maybe making it two, separate sentences.

*Bullet*She was, in fact, what finally got him out of his room. And she suddenly became his life. here you have a sentence which is a subordinate clause and should be linked to the previous sentence with a comma. You might prefer "who" rather than "what". or try. His love for her was, in fact, what finally got him out of his room, and she suddenly became his life.

*Bullet*he waved his hands franticly typo: frantically although this may be English spelling, so check it in your own dictionary.

I hope my comments are of some use to you.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Diane's Story  Open in new Window.
Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a charming account of your life. What adventures you recall. I thoroughly enjoyed reading about them.

If you want to perfect the grammar, ask me, and I will help if I can, I quite like the way you express yourself, though. There is a natural rhythm to it, which gives your writing such personality.

Some bits might need clarifying. This is an example;

You went to bed with the chickens and rose up with the chickens This made me chuckle - sounds a little unhygeinic to me *Laugh*. It does sound like you actually bedded down in the chicken shed.

Congratulations of the birth of your grand daughter. Condolences on the death of your brother and sister. I hope the year brightens for you. It seems so often the way, that we loose more than one close friend, or relative, in a short time period.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of BRIAN'S BALLAD  Open in new Window.
Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very moving tribute to your dear friend. I am very sorry for your loss. It only happened 6 years ago, and you must be wondering when you will be able to stop hurting.

These are the events that shape our lives. It is only through experiencing deep, shocking grief that you can empathise with others when it happens to them. I remember wishing I could understand my husband's grief over the death of his father, who I never knew - then a very close friend of mine died suddenly, and I felt that I had almost wished it to happen.

I hope that writing about Brian has expiated some of the grief for you.

There was one error that I spotted; I've yet to stop morning... *Right* mourning.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for posting this poem on "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

It is a masterful piece of imagery, aided by the stunning image that heads it.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... seems cliched in comparison to your insightful message. If only we could all learn to open our eyes and see the beauty around us.

All around me is plush greens. stands out because of its idiosyncratic use of the third person singular of the verb to be with the plural noun; how innovative!

Write on!
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Review of Bedroom Surprise  Open in new Window.
Review by Mavis Moog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I think the title of this poem is a real puller.

The surprise is good.

You build the tension well. Maybe a little more metaphor would help, but avoid cliche.

...her undies came off last I think you should have ...her undies come off last

Slipping in silently. is a clever line it has alliteration and it is ambiguous in meaning, it is just a shame that it is cliched. Maybe you could find an equally effective, but more original phrase here.

Please don't set whole texts in colours. I think it looks unprofessional. I understand your reason for it here, but it really is so much easier on the eyes if set in plain, old black.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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