Wow, that's a powerful story. Full of tension, excellent description and vivid language. I loved it.
Suggestions
she was ten years his younger Is that a normal expression? I would have written, she was ten years his junior, or she was ten years younger than him.
“I’m good to go,” he lied, This is something I've been practising recently, and thought I might pass on the tip. Instead of using tags to give this sort of information, consider describing a twitch of a facial muscle or eye, or a physical signal of some sort, which would show the reader he's lying, without telling him directly. It adds a greater reality to the scene, and avoids distracting from the story with too much narrator's voice. In fact, you do it really well, a little later, Gabe fell in behind her, his neck stiff with tension, his shoulders aching.
To Gabe, he just as well of said... he may just as well have said...
“Christ, where do begin?” she asked. should this not be, "Christ where to begin?" she asked.?
Her lowered lip quivered at his rage lower
like a pile of unwanted dog.... Is it ever wanted? I'd cut unwanted.
Am I being dense? Why didn't he just remove the detonator from the explosive. If it's possible to cut the plastic, why not cut lots away at once? What advantage would shaving it away in tiny chunks give?
It is a marvellous story though. I enjoyed it immensely.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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First of all, I have to jump with glee that you have written a poem for me. Well, inspired by my handle at least.
I love the song of the thrush. It has an insistent quality due partly to the repetative phrases. You capture that so well with, mauve mavis, mauve mavis.
The structure of this poem is delicate yet progressive. The images are all important, but there is a story there too. The scene is set with the first stanza, then the gulls populate the scene. Third stanza brings the motif of purple, gentle and threatening to the fore again. Then we see the walker and hear the thrush. The two are connected.
I particularly liked, puce pocked stone, because it is how the stone looks.
I loved the gentle flow of these lines. It is soothing, just like my walks.
There are some excellent lines here. I laughed at this, I'm rubbish at arguing a point. I am, really ... Oh, ok I'm not, and this, I might as well walk up to someone and just shout at them "you're more like I am than I am you are!".
And the bit about drinking tea;
And the exaggerate bit;
I've turned my conciousness to air pollution.. and for your next trick? .
And the bit about brackets.
I sympathise entirely, and think this experiment made an wonderful routine. However think on this: When you do something unselfish, it gives you a warm glow and makes you like yourself. That is the pay-off. So, ultimately, being unselfish is .....SELFISH!
This is a cute story. I'm sure it's happened, or something very like it, thousands of times, the worldover.
You used dialogue to take the story forward, and it sounded natural to me.
The character of the little girl was cute and easy to identify with.
Suggestions
The only reason I can't give this a higher rating is its lack of originality and scope. It's fine as far as it goes, but in the end it's more of an anecdote than a story.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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I read and re-read this very short story, which seems to be lots of fun, but I am still not sure I've got it right. Are the orange fish and the angler both called Mr. Fish? Surely the conversation about Mr. Shrimp and Prawn Bakery and Mrs. Catfish are all in the pond, and between the various forms of pond-life. So the last paragraph leaves me completely baffled.
I think you need to clarify. Make the story obvious, even to an idiot.
Suggestions He had other things to take care off. of.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
This is a wonderfully wavey poem. The layout on the page shows the rhythm required, in the reading.
I liked the repetition of the w sound too. It added to the general wavy feel. I could see the field of wheat rippling, and the boy's hair curling.
If it were a 1909 wheat penny with VDB between the stalks, it certainly will have beaten inflation, and could be worth $12,000 today (thanks for the Wikipedia link {e:wink). Unfortunately 1945 doesn't command the same premium {e:frown}.
I hope Gary McPike III keeps his wheat penny safe and your poem right next to it, in a special box.
The first paragraph is very good. It makes the reader want to continue reading. Two questions are posed. Have they sold the item for one million, and how did they do it?. Good start.
It was a surprise ending too.
Suggestions
Don't use unnecessary words or phrases. The newsreader on the radio was babbling on about an auction ... This is a very short story anyway, but it's always good style to trim verbage to the bone.
I'm sure you know you could expand this story.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
You are a strong-willed and resourseful woman. This article was a revelation to me, as I had no idea you had cerebral palsy. Why should I, I suppose?
My only criticism of this piece is I would like to have seen a less general statement and more about your specific experiences. Personal can be painful to write, but it always makes the point much more clearly.
I'm glad to see this article has won an award ribbon. It deserves it. You describe your mission stataement very well .
This is a very well-intentioned story, and I completely sympathise with the sentiment expressed.
There were some excellent phrases, devices and images. I particularly liked, the repetition used; But what do I care, we were here before. This and the repetition of the first few sentences works well to frame the story.
a flood of fur was a very good simile. The alliteration added to the menace and strengthened the image.
I loved the way you referred to the humans' tears as rain. That was a clever touch.
Suggestions
My criticism and main reason for not rating this story higher are to do with the lack of sophistication. The suspension of disbelief required of the reader is too great, and although you have some excellent ideas, like human tears being rain, the plot creaks badly in other places.
For instance, how would small mammals know about the history of civilisation? How would an animal with a life-span of approximately 10 years know about green being where the roads are now?
You may think I'm being a complete meany, and think, well obviously one has to just accept the premis, but no, not really. The reader does not have to accept the premis, you have to convince him. So why bother making such nice points, like calling the tears rain, when other, more important, parts of the story are not explained?
I am not sure how you can fix this problem. You need to find a believable motivation for the mammals destruction of the human habitat. I'm sure there are plenty. The motivation can be strong, instinctive, but probably less articulate. Like the way elephants have been known to walk through villages, trampling all in their path. They do it because they can, not out of spite or revenge, but because there is no reason for them to find another route.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
This is an excellent story. It deals with things I usually have little time for; teenage romance and dramatic, traumatic disaster, yet you have dealt with it so well, I didn't stop once to make a critical note.
There may be a few places where sentence flow could be improved, but I didn't want to stop reading. You have developed the characters very well, the story flows brilliantly and you handle the emotion excellently.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
You have developed the structure of this story very well. The starting point is well chosen, ...but that all changed when I saw life emerge for the first time. It is important to start with change . You also set up the story question very clearly. I understood nurture to mean that I should care for, protect and raise one of my own. The denouement is clear and satisfying.
Suggestions
This is a difficult story to pace. Because of the lack of characters you have trouble forming a cause and effect flow. Unfortunately, most readers are familiar with the history of civilisation. This makes the progress through the eons rather dull.
I recommend you find a way to include at least one other character (preferably a baddy or someone who brings about more conflict) to act as a foil for your machine .
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
This story is carefully written. The spelling and grammar are good. I only found one tiny error .
Suggestions
“This hasn’t come out right. You could have chosen better colors. I am sure that you can do better.” Is this three examples of criticisms? I think it should be laid out like this, "This hasn't come out right."
"You could have chosen better colours."
"I am sure you can do better."
I recommend you change the word "better " in one of these statements, to avoid repetition. Maybe, "You could have chosen stronger colours."
Being an only child of my parents, I recommend you cut "of my parents". What else does "only child" mean?
This phrase is too melodramatic. ...my life-time of hard work. The narrator is only a teenager, hardly a lifetime lived .
Always be specific. ...or making some comment or the other. It is much better to give some snippets of conversation, than refer to it. You need to show us the scene and characters, build the atmosphere and make this story come alive.
It would be good too see more description, and character development.
Just one typo, I could find, Atleast to my diaryAt least is two words.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
This is a very moving and harrowing story. It is written with conviction. The description is vivd and passionate. I found it a compelling read.
You need to tidy it up. There are some typos and spelling errors. It's always a good idea to run your work through a spell-checker before posting.
Suggestions
Typos Polish boarderborder. he grabs his wife arm wife's. his friends stagger passpast. since the death of the Tzra and his familyTzar The Ukraine's are like the PolesUkranians You miss possessive apostrophes in a number of places. For example, deaths messengers and Workers Paradise and warriors son; death's messengers and workers' paradise and warrior's son.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
You write well. The description is vivid. You created a very strong mood of despair. I found the thesis of the story challenging.
Suggestions
Technicalities
While most of the imagery is great, some of it seemed over-blown and a little trite: Tears rolled down his face like exotic jewels, This simile is too much. Why were his tears like exotic jewels? There is also a slight problem with the structure of the phrase. It would be better, Tears, like exotic jewels, rolled down his face. Your version means that the rolling was like the way exotic jewels roll.
Later, in the same sentence, you use cliché, cold wind, like a piercing knife,
Thesis
This story is a fantasy, but many would read it as a hypothesis. It is direct in its plot where I think allegory might have worked better. The naivèté of the thesis sat awkwardly for me.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
This is a remarkable story. I read it right through, without stopping once to copy and paste a correction.
You use a strong narrator's voice, which is not an easy task.
There is a powerful theme too, which is important for a short story, in my opinion.
Suggestions
I feel this story could be so much more. It needs to be developed further. The idea of a southern man fighting for the Union, seeking revenge for the murder of his mother is excellent, but you don't explore it fully. Does he kill Jackson? If so, the reader needs to witness that moment.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. It will mean different things to different readers, but for me, its themes of resentment, decay and finally independence sing from every line.
I particularly enjoyed phrases like this, Her gray, soulless eyes, which held less color than the dark circles below them, Although I would recommend cutting 'soulless,' as it's cliché, and detracts from the originality of the rest of the sentence.
My favourite part was this, ...he thought he saw something new disguised in the abstract darkness. Something different. He experimented, opening his eyes wide, and then squinting again, struggling to see past the hole. It was honest and closely observed.
Suggestions
The amount of wine in the new bottle was deteriorating by the second. I would recommend diminishing, rather than deteriorating here. And here, disintegrate off the bottom of the bottle. I would use evaporate. 'Deteriorate' and 'disintergrate' seem like narrowly-missed word choices. Maybe this effect is deliberate, in which case relax in the knowledge that it's very noticeable.
11:59 turned to 12:00, that's unusual, do you mean, 11:59 to 00:00?
I think the light in the parents' bedroom flickered and died twice. Did the mother replace the bulb at some point ?
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
I liked the style of this story. The re-telling of an old favourite can work well, and this almost gets it, but I think it followed the story of The Wizard of Oz too closely. I wanted more surprises.
There were some terrific moments. God must have been a little lax when it came to handing out brains to that girl! the irony sizzled here.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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You build the suspense throughout the story. The reader is kept wondering right to the end. This is a good technique, and brings a structure to your story.
I found this tale a little mawkish. It is a subject which certainly concerns many and I accept it's an emotional matter as much as an ethical one. Your protagonist's exotic name and even more glamourous profession distracted from the humanity of the story.
Suggestions
I spotted one typo: How did I let this happened?
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
I like stories like this. Whether it's fact or fiction doesn't matter. It has the feeling of genuine reminiscence, and I like its cosy atmosphere.
There are a few too many characters, and the reader will struggle to keep all the relationships in his head. I liked the description of the photograph. If there is a real photograph, it might be a good idea to scan it in and use it to illustrate the story. A caption, naming the people, would be a useful reference.
The promised denouement, when it comes, could be more explicit. I think you need to round this off with your conclusion. What was it about your mother's story which solved the mystery of Pearl and Ruby never marrying anyone? Just a brief paragraph explaining this would help.
Suggestions
Your style is rather cumbersome in places. You need to edit this cutting all unnecessary words. Be ruthless. I have tried to give you examples of what I mean below.
Every time we had seen them there was always the discussion of how good natured and talented Aunt Pearl was and how whiny and miserable Aunt Ruby was. Try brightening this sentence by getting rid of the pluperfect, and making it active: Every time we saw them we noted how Aunt Pearl's talent and sweet nature contrasted with Aunt Ruby's negative whining. The point is you should try not to use passive mode (was...discussion), and the verb 'to be' or 'to have' with participles (had seen); it sucks the life out of a sentence.
Here's another example; My father would always say how Pearl would have made someone a good wife...My father always said Pearl would make someone a good wife... Check through the story and give this treatment to all passive sentences, and you will immediately see a tighter, livelier narrative.
Here are some small typos, I wondered whether he had always been so sour, ot whether this trait had developed,or Aunt Pearl was survived this insult... 'Why didn't you go to bed when I told you to,' needs a question mark.
This is the final review in the raffle prize won by MadMan at Large and donated to you.
This story is the best of the three I reviewed. I think you handled the dialogue very well. It sounds natural and you broke it up well, with interruptions and detail.
It's certainly an unusual story with a heart-warming theme. I'm sure it will make most readers smile.
One suggestion I would make is that you don't need to repeat the whole story to Pete. The reader knows all this, so you can simply refer to it briefly. Something like, She told Pete the whole story..." would cover it.
As part of the raffle prize I promised to award the best of the three I reviewed an awardicon. This story will therefore be sporting a lovely red ribbon in just a few minutes.
This is 1/3 of the raffle prize won by MadMan at Large and donated to you.
You joined an illustrious tradition when you decided to use the play within a story format for this story. Hamlet used it to capture his guilty uncle and Scheherazade saved her life with it.
I think the idea is fine, but you need to spend much more time exploring the actual plot and less time telling us about the organisation of the event.
Think to yourself, 'What is actually essential to the story?' and cut everything else.
We need to know more about the play, if you want to use the irony for the frame story. You need to build tension. The foreshadowing at the beginning, that Jimmy is Jimmy the Cracker needs more support, or else drop it. What does he do with the money? Why would the police involve so many people in this elaborate trap? Were the press involved too - surely not?
Your writing style is good and clear. I'm certain that with more attention to the details of the plot, this could make a top class piece.
This review is 1/3 of the raffle prize won by MadMan at Large and donated to you.
The opening of this story is excellent. It's startling and intriguing.
The paragraphs describing the different characters of the daughters and then the mother's speech telling them what Dad was up to seemed stilted. It would be much better to write a proper active scene for this, and have the girls' characters show in their behaviour. Mother's speech doesn't sound natural. Read it out to yourself, and hear what I mean.
This speech, "Aleen? Yes, I'll be fine after a few days rest. ... Love to you and the girls. Bye." is too solid. A real telephone conversation would have more breaks. As it's not essential, why not replace it with indirect speech? Something like, He was allowed to ring his wife and reassure her that everything was fine and that he'd be taking the job on Guntu Island.
There are a couple of problems with trying to write such an involved story as a short story. I think you have included too many characters. Many of them are not fully developed and it would therefore be better to omit them and concentrate on a few central characters making them more real and multi-faceted. Does Frobesher really need all those daughters? I can sense that you want to say something about the nature of family, but is this story the one to do that? In fact, Frobesher's family do not need to figure in this story at all.
Secondly you tend to spend too much time describing stuff which is not very important. For instance the food and the steward's pride in the quality of the food is not pertinent to the story and could be omitted.
It would be good for you to do a little research into what is already known about aging. There is no single gene responsible for aging. I am not a scientist, but I knew this and found your story lacked authenticity because you do not use any known biology. For instance, there is a part of cells, known as the telomere. It has something to do with the reproduction of cells and with each copy, the telomere becomes shorter. This has many implications for the diseases of aging. Have a look at this Wikipedia entry to learn more about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telomere
If you incorporate some real science in your story it will immediately gain greater weight and interest.
I think you have an excellent idea here, and can tell you enjoy writing about thrilling, larger-than-life situations. I hope my suggestions will help you pull this story together.
Whether this was inspired by the (in)famous TV serial, "Lost," or not, I think you've done a good job at capturing a moment of madness.
Suggestions pounding at his pale with skinwhite, but do you need both paleandwhite?
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like to use this sig on your e-mails, blog or anywhere, just type {Image:1137034} where-ever you would like it to appear. It was designed by, writher
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to the bone.