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This is my blog about random thoughts and writing. |
| This blog is about my current life, struggling with bipolar disorder, also random everyday thoughts and trying to work through writer's block. |
| I wrote a page toward music contest. Its not a Lot but it was something. I've been doing the April nanomo 2019 creative writing challenge and I finished it with 1000 lines, almost a poem everyday. So trying to go back to prose was different. Can't read like I want to, a book a week. My Ritalin prescription was lowered a Lot and I can't do things that require a Lot of attention or even get motivated. I don't know why I can't read like I did as a teen young adult without Ritalin or even trying. I have the popchart poster that lists 100essential books and I've only read like 30 or 40 of them in too many years. I learned to knit, a big deal for me because I have been trying to teach myself for years and finally figured out while messing around. I can't believe anyone could learn with the instructions in books, or even watching YouTube, maybe it's my add. |
| I'm dying my hair dark pink/purple manic panic that glows in the black light. I had a good quiet Thanksgiving with my family. I'm having surgery next Monday to remove stitches/mesh from a hernia operation from when my appendix burst. It was supposed to be Friday. I'm late with typing out the 50,000 words or so for nanowrimo but the book is done and just needs to be typed out with more time than a week. So its not happening probably. I started smoking again and quit officially today with the patch. I saw one of my best friends I've known for most my life this weekend I haven't seen in a while and we hung out. |
| This Halloween I recycled my Sally costume and painted stitches across my face. They had a party at the day program. I got violently sick a day later and didn't even feel up to clearing tables, gathering photos, candy, food, incense, and all the candles for dia de los muertos my favorite holiday. I wasn't prepared this year. I have everything day of the dead, sugar skulls, so it was unlike me. I'm reading Stick Figure, and Atlas Shrugged and Anais Nin's Diary Vol. 2. I moved out of my parents' house and back in. I'm beginning nanowrimo and they have groups at a local library I plan to attend. I still write morning pages every day and other journaling and collage. I will be 39 soon but I don't really believe it. |
| This thanksgiving i am grateful for: most of my family and a place to live , my boyfriend of 2 years B, my cats,my psych meds and medical assistance and ssi, my psych day program, my lightbox. I am grateful my mood and life and health has been stable, not too high or low, for the past year. Stability felt new and at first it felt like depression without the manias but ive learned to accept a medium. |
| i trimmed the family tree by myself. it was fun seeing all the ornments from long ago- baby/s first christmas- my brothers and muppets from my childhood. i gave everybody at my program christmas cards. i got B a giftcard with money on it. i got a toy for my aunts dog and everyone else needs presents. ive been listning to christmas music. i painted my nails green and red every other nail. i dont know when ill have surgey for my hernia. ive been reading anais nins diary 1931-1934. B gave me candles pine and gingerbread cookie. aunt bonnie just ilit the tree. and cfristmas music is on. its peaceful for now. |
| i have a hernia, probly from last year when my appendix burst. its bulging out like im pregnant. they gave me lortab but my mom is in control of my medicine and she doesnt believe im in pain so she hardly ever gives them. it hurts me but what can i do. im going to need surgery but i have to stop taking blood clot medicine first. im so used to pain idont know whats it like without it i have arthritis in my lower back. and pain in my legs. but everytime i complain mom tells me to exercise or she thinks im drug seeking. but i have real pain. the doctor prescribed pain medicine because i hurt and mom has no right to deny me them. im too old for her games. |
| a bit over a month a ago i had my 33rd birthday. my parents spoiled me. i got everything i wanted and more. my own laptop, pink perfume, a sound machine, rag doll perfume,an angel statue, and other stuff. we went to eat at outback i ate scallaps and shrimp pasta (i try not to eat meat or even seafood, but i did). i dont feel 33. i like having my own computer but i dont have steady surface and it made me erase alot of what i wrote so i was pissed off about that. im getting a desk for chritmas. |
| i had thanksgiving day at home with parents, brother and aunt. im vegatarian year but i still ate alot- sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, mashed potatos, crsnbrerry sauce, sauer kraut, kale, pecan pie. list: whati im grateful for -my family -my fireindds at hte program -my boyfriend B -my cat frisbee -my red betta samarai -my own computer -my writings -my medicine that works -my therpist -my place to live -my ssi check -enough vegatarian food to eat -my day program -time alone -that i quit smoking cigarettes that i have my own bedroom -that i have and use a lightbox for winter depression -family dog britany spaniel ralphie and family cat peppi |
| I finished reading Manic in one day. Chapter 16 hit a nerve. I worry about being alone because of my illness and never having children. I'm getting old as it is. Still using light box. I'm taking 1/2 dose of klonpin and I will for 2 weeks then every other day off for 2 weeks then none. I miss B. |
| I've been sick since last week, the allergist gave me antibiotics. I havn't been to the program for two days, I havn't seen or talked to B since last Wed. I've been sort of depressed and kind of hiding (isolating) from everyone. I finished the readings and exercises in the Vein of Gold. I started reading Manic. I spent time drawing with charcoal and colored pencils last night. I've been using my light box 60 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at 6pm since last thursday. It shound be helping soon. |
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