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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I know I already blogged today but I had a good evening and want a record of it in my blog to read back on if I need it! My sister and I had our gym induction today and I frigging loved it! Why have I never been to a gym before now?! I ache like crazy at the moment, but that's a good thing. The guy going through it with us was really nice and friendly and made us laugh a lot. He set us targets that will mean we'll have to push ourselves a bit but won't kill ourselves. Turns out I'm pretty good on the rowing machine and the trainer told me I'd "make a quality rower".  I'm a bit anxious that I'm going to forget a lot of what we've been told, but we do have written plans of our exercises and there are always staff members around for if we forget how to work a certain machine. We've decided to go back on Tuesday while we're still feeling motivated, so hopefully most of the information will still be fresh in our minds. And I think I saw how I really am tonight. When we were doing some stretching exercises at the end I looked at myself in the mirror between the muscular trainer and my sister, who is a teensy bit on the chunky side, and I saw how small I am. It was weird. It was an eye-opener. When I got home I felt really hungry and made myself a jacket potato with coleslaw and salad. This is a big deal because potatoes and coleslaw have become "fear foods" for me and I have been avoiding them. But I really fancied that particular meal and just went for it because I was feeling so positive. I'm feeling a little shaky about it now but I'm not freaking out yet. I'll try not to freak out! I feel like I've made a tentative step forward tonight. I think if I can get a routine going with exercise, and keep it up, that I might be able to get a handle on this eating disorder. Really, really hope so anyway. |
| Day 19 prompt: What is your favorite holiday and why? What is your least favorite holiday and why? Haha! I very nearly misinterpreted this prompt because in the UK we use the word "holiday" to mean "vacation". So I was all set to say something like "my favourite holiday was my most recent one to Amsterdam. Blah, blah, blah!" But then I read the other entries already posted for today and realised my mistake.  So, I suppose my favourite "holiday" is Christmas as it's the only one I celebrate really... even though I'm not a Christian! I don't celebrate the religious aspects of Christmas, just the "spending time with family" part and "gift-giving" part etc. It's my favourite because I get the opportunity to do nice things for the people I care about and spend time with them. I like choosing gifts that I think they'll like and enjoy seeing their reactions when they open them. I love that I get to spend lots of time with Mark as he'll usually visit before Christmas and stay until after New Year's day. And of course I enjoy receiving gifts too! It can be quite stressful though and I found it pretty tough this year as my eating problems are so bad at the moment and there is always an awful lot of food around at Christmas. So that made things a bit tough. But still, it's nice to just have some time to relax and not do much. I got through it! My least favourite "holiday" is Halloween. I hate the concept of "trick or treating" and how it seems to be okay for children to terrorise their neighbours with threats of tricks in order to get sweets. I know it's supposed to be in fun but I just think it promotes greed and I'm sure it isn't fun for everyone. I have a neighbour who has severe mental health problems and has been terrorised by local teenagers in the past who would knock on her door and run away or post things through her letterbox etc. Understandably she is nervous of strangers coming to her door and I should imagine that Halloween is an extremely stressful time for her. And these days you get lots of older children and teenagers going trick or treating and they can actually be quite intimidating. My siblings and I were never allowed to go trick or treating and I used to think that was unfair but now I understand why my parents wouldn't let us. And when I have my own children, I won't let them go either. I think it's fine to celebrate Halloween with a fun costume party, or something like that, and we used to do that, but trick or treating is just wrong, in my opinion. |
| Day 18 prompt: What personal quality (e.g. honesty, kindness, faith, loyalty, etc.) do you value more than anything else? If you could guarantee a significant other be completely unfailing in this area, would you put up with serious flaws in other areas (e.g. always kind but lies to spare your feelings, always honest but to the point of unknowingly being hurtful, etc.) to achieve the perfect partner in the area you value most? Impossible! Just one? I don't know if I can choose just one quality to value more than any other... Loyalty is extremely important to me and a trait I truly value. I expect the people who call themselves my friend to show me loyalty. And I practise what I preach, of course. If you are friends with me, then you can depend on me to always do my best for you. Sometimes this might not actually seem like much, for example if my depression is bad and I'm really struggling, but I never give less than 100% effort when it comes to people I care about. But damage my trust and you lose my loyalty! I suppose I would be willing to put up with some serious flaws in other areas, though it depends what they are. I guess guaranteed loyalty could possibly result in someone who is excessively clingy or emotionally needy. I'm not sure I could cope with those flaws, actually, as I'm in a place right now where I am emotionally needy myself so the relationship probably wouldn't work! But also, I'm not sure "guaranteed loyalty" can really work anyway because you kind of need an element of trust and if it was an absolute given then you don't need the trust so the loyalty doesn't exist. Does that make sense? I know what I mean but I can't explain it! But there are other traits I value just as much as loyalty, such as kindness, generosity, sensitivity, good sense of humour etc. They are all important to me and I surround myself with people who have the traits I try to demonstrate myself. And these people have their flaws, of course, as everyone does. I think I can put up with some serious flaws as long as the person always tries their best to be their best, if that makes sense. The quality I probably value most in myself is my determination because I would not be here without it. This might sound a little egotistical but I am actually amazed at my level of determination and I cannot believe how strong this trait is in me. Even with my ridiculously low self-esteem and tendency to beat myself up, I cannot deny that I have demonstrated an incredible determination many times in my life. This is a nice, positive prompt! My thoughts are a bit scattered at the moment though and I'm not sure I've answered it too well.  Maybe I'll return to this subject at some point in the future. My sister and I joined a gym this evening. Our induction is tomorrow and I am nervous! I have never used a gym before. I think doing this is a good thing, though. I think one of the reasons my body image is so bad at the moment is because I have become pretty unfit since leaving university and having to stop karate. I think if I can get toned up again then that is really going to help me feel better about my body and perhaps that in turn will result in me feeling better about eating. That's the plan, anyway. Of course it could all go horribly wrong and take me even further down the eating disorder path... But I won't let that happen! I can't. |
| Day 17 prompt: If someone wanted to really push your buttons, what would they do to provoke you? Hmmmm... I don't know. Would the provocation lead to irritability or anger? Seeing as I'm Queen of Irritability it doesn't take a lot to irritate me. The main thing that gets to me is a lack of manners, for instance someone not thanking me for holding a door open for them. This will cause me to feel a surge of annoyance and result in me saying, very sarcastically, "you're welcome." But it can take even less than that to annoy me and this is probably because of a combination of lack of sleep, lack of food and lack of a life basically. So yeah... Anger, on the other hand, is a different story and it takes an awful lot to get me really angry. The main provocation I can think of that has caused me to lose my cool is when I feel a loved one is being treated unfairly or being attacked in some way. I may be shy and quiet but that doesn't make me passive and meek and I will not tolerate someone badmouthing or hurting a person I love. Or anything like that. So I guess if someone wanted to see me really riled, they would just have to do something like that. Thankfully that situation has only happened a couple of times that I can think of and they were extreme situations. I actually know the date of the last time I well and truly got angry because I blogged about it. Yep, the last time I seriously lost it was July 23rd 2013  "Invalid Entry" . The provocation was a bunch of things that had built up over weeks and finally exploded when this person (a supposed mental health professional) decided she knew more about my relationship with my family than I do and wouldn't back down when I told her she was wrong. Then this person continued to undermine me and I reached my breaking point. For me this involved flapping my hands in true "Aspie fashion" and then storming out. Well, my version of "storming out" because I'm probably too small to "storm" effectively. But still, it got my message across, I think, which was, "I'm done with this. You're an idiot. I'm not tolerating you any longer".I am a very controlled person so if I lose control like how I explained above, that is a big deal and it has taken something big to get me there. Interesting prompt! I'm doing marginally better than last night thanks to a lovely walk with Jade. I saw the most spectacular rainbow. Well, a double rainbow -- both full arcs. One was very faint and the other was the biggest, most vivid and intense rainbow I have ever seen. I could not stop looking at it! I got some photos but they really don't show just how stunning it was. It warmed my soul to see it and I thought that if I had killed myself last night, like I was sorely tempted to, then I would have died having not seen that beautiful and inspiring sight. I  nature. |
| I am losing my mind tonight. I am so hungry but have already eaten what I feel is way too much. I want to eat again. Is it ok to eat? My life is being destroyed by an eating disorder. And I am humiliating myself on a website because this is the only place I feel safe and I don't know where else to go or what else to do. |
| Day 16 prompt: Take a trip down memory lane (of your web history). What was the last thing you looked up online and why were you looking it up? Uh... I hope it wasn't anything embarrassing!!! *goes to look* Nope, it was actually rather boring. My last internet search was "insomnia CBT techniques". I looked it up because I am going through a pretty bad phase of insomnia right now and I want to put it right. I've had sleep problems on and off (mostly on) since I was a child, unfortunately. At the moment it's so bad that the only way I can get a proper night's sleep is by taking a sleep aid. My GP doesn't prescribe me sleeping tablets (he's so mean!) but as he's off sick, I took the opportunity to see a different doctor who has less qualms about prescribing them.  But I don't like taking them and I wish I didn't need them so that's why I was looking up other ways to deal with it. I have looked up natural techniques before though and nothing seems to work.My search before that was slightly more interesting: "military terminology". I looked this up because I'm taking part in the "Invalid Item" and my genre for round 4 is "military". I got pretty stressed at first when I saw this was my genre because I know next to nothing about the military and have very little interest in it -- I had no idea what I was going to write! Then I got more stressed reading poems in this genre in an attempt to get inspired because most of the ones I read seemed overly sentimental and clichéd and I really want to do something original. But then I got the most awesome idea. I feel like it's a really creative way of using the military genre so I now feel excited about my poem, but I needed to look up some military terms to use in it. Anyway, I'm nearly there with my poem -- I just wish I was a better writer so I could really do the idea justice! I wasn't very happy at the conservation group this morning for several reasons. Firstly, I slept so badly last night that I woke up exhausted and didn't really like the idea of getting out of bed to do something so active. Also, my arms are still aching, thanks to Murphy's antics on Tuesday, and I didn't fancy the idea of making them worse. And then... the work we were doing made me feel a bit uncomfortable... We were supposed to be clearing the vegetation around a pond, which is fine and necessary, but people tend to go a little crazy over this kind of work. I say "people" when I mean "guys". It's always the men who get over enthusiastic about doing this kind of thing and start wanting to hack down everything in sight. Today it was a tree.  A pretty big tree. But there was absolutely no need to do it, in my opinion, because it was far enough away from the path and stable enough to not pose a danger to anyone, but also far enough away from the pond that it wasn't blocking the light getting through or anything like that. It made me so sad to see them chop it down. And I just think that as a conservation group we should be trying to keep as many trees as possible. Sometimes it is necessary to remove them, but in this instance, I really don't think it was. I should have spoken up. |
| Day 15 prompt: Your best friend with the time machine decides to give you another opportunity to try out his invention, and offers you the chance to go back in time and change one single moment/decision in your own life. What moment would you choose, why did you choose it, and what would you do differently? Oh, wow! Well, there is, unfortunately, so much I regret about my life and so many things I wish I could do differently. But would I, if I had the opportunity? I don't know because I've read too many of those stories where the protagonist changes history and it ends up making the present even worse! So I would be pretty worried to try this. However, the first thing that popped into my head when reading this prompt was my rash decision to study Animal Biology and Conservation at university over Psychology and Neuroscience. If I could go back in time, I would put more thought into this important decision and explore all the courses and universities in more detail. Or I might even decide to put off going to university for a year because starting a completely new stage in my life just seven months after my brother passed away, when I was still in the early stages of grief, was not an easy experience. I wasn't in the right frame of mind for studying, living away from home and experiencing so many new things etc. I sometimes wish I had given myself some "breathing space" to come to terms with things and that maybe if I had, I would have made some better choices and not struggled so much while getting my degree. But the second idea I had was it would be good to return to the moment of my traumatic experience and handle it differently -- to actually assert myself and say something like, "wait a minute, what are you doing? I don't want that". If that moment hadn't happened, then maybe my life would have turned out differently. Maybe I wouldn't have become as depressed and maybe I wouldn't have withdrawn so much from the world. Perhaps I wouldn't have lost interest in school and I would have achieved the grades I was capable of, allowing me to study medicine or veterinary science. Perhaps I would be a happy, settled doctor or vet by now. Who knows? I have spent so much time torturing myself with this kind of thing over the years, constantly asking "what if...?" What I have to remind myself though is that I was thirteen years old when that happened. I was confused, scared and in pain. It wasn't up to me to be assertive and take control of that situation -- I was a child. It shouldn't have happened but it wasn't my fault. I need to keep telling myself that even if I'm not at the stage where I can believe it yet. And as for my decision to go to university and study Animal Biology and Conservation? Well, I may feel I studied the wrong course at the wrong time, but I still had some great experiences at university and I came away with an extremely good degree. I learned that I am a strong person who is capable of achieving even under the toughest circumstances. So what it really comes down to is this: I can waste the rest of my life dwelling on the past and asking "what if...?" or I can fight to change the present in order to achieve a better future. I have my moments where I get stuck in the past but I think I'm a pretty good fighter and I am working so hard to change the here and now. I'm trying to leave the past in the past.  So on that note, please excuse me while I go and smash up my friend's time machine! |
| Day 14 prompt: Your best friend is a brilliant scientist who just invented a time machine. He's given you the opportunity to go back in time and witness (but not interact with) any significant moment/event in history. Which moment/event would you choose to see first-hand and why? Um... pass! No, not really. But how to answer? I don't know. I'm really struggling here... let me think... I am extremely interested in history but are there any events I would want to witness? A lot of what I like to read up on tends to be pretty grim or gruesome so I really wouldn't want to actually see it. Okay, I got it! Probably the moment when Isaac Newton got hit on the head by that apple and "invented gravity"!  Where is that from? I'm sure there's a TV programme or film where a character asks something like, "Isaac Newton? Didn't he invent gravity?" Anyway, I think it would just be funny to witness!But that's lame. Perhaps, instead, I would choose to go back and witness Martin Luther King Jr's "I have a dream" speech. That would be pretty cool. Or I'd love to see Neil Armstrong taking the first step on the moon. Now that would be amazing. I think it would be easier for me to pick a time period to explore, rather than a significant event. I'm thinking of writing a novel that is set in the Victorian times and there are certain things I really want to know that would be helpful for my story, such as how did they celebrate the New Year back then? And how would a man with high-functioning autism have been perceived? (So before we even had the term "autism"). Fascinating stuff! This is an interesting prompt but a really tough one for me, if you couldn't tell! I don't feel like I've done a good job with it. Today was the first session back at my horsey voluntary job. It was hard, hard work. Despite my success with getting Murphy's bridle on for the first time in the last session before Christmas, I failed today. He was in such a mood and though I went in with a "I'm-not-taking-any-nonsense-from-Murphy" attitude, he wore me down. Honestly, he was such a pain and I spent most of the lesson practically fighting him because he seemed intent on walking into the horse in front of us, whereas I was obviously reluctant to get close to the horse in front's back legs! My arms ache like crazy now. Damn, I hate that horse. But somehow I love him too! There were some new children today and the girl riding Murphy was absolutely adorable. She was extremely nervous but got more confident as the lesson went on. I hope I'm with her again next week. I walked Jade as soon as I got back because I knew if I sat down, I wasn't getting up again! But now I have to get up again and am trying to summon up the energy to collect my prescription from the pharmacy. I also want to get an over-the-counter sleep aid because I had a horrendous night last night, thanks to insomnia, and I don't want to take a prescription sleeping tablet tonight. I have very few left and I want to make them last! I really feel like I want to cry, but I'm too tired even for that. I can't believe it's only just gone 3pm. This day is draaaaagging. |
| Day 13 prompt: What song do you absolutely hate, and why do you hate it so much? Well, there are a fair few songs that I absolutely hate but the one that springs to mind first, so arguably my most hated song, is "American Idiot" by Green Day. With it's poppy, "faux-rock" beat, it grates on me like no other song. I've never really listened to the lyrics properly, to be honest, because the guy's voice just annoys me too much for me to want to pay close attention to what he is actually singing, but the whole song just seems so... contrived. I'm not sure I can explain that but I'll try -- it's like they tried to come up with a catchy, controversial song that is catchy and controversial just for the sake of it. But it has no soul -- it just is. And people got caught up in it because it has a memorable rhythm that almost, almost, disguises the fact that it's a crappy song. And the only thing more annoying than the actual song is the video! ARGH! But in very close second place is "Skater Boy" by Avril Lavigne. I'm sorry... yes I know the real title is spelled out in text language but I can't bring myself to type that. So yes, that damn stupidly spelled title is one of the reasons I hate this song. But, like "American Idiot", it also has a poppy, "faux-rock" beat that almost sucked me in until I came to my senses and realised what a ridiculous song it is. I mean: "He was a skater boy, she said, "See ya later, boy." No. Just no. To balance this out a bit, here's my current favourite song: (no need to watch the silly video!) [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] And now for my non-prompt related ramble: I've had a crappy day! My last session with the dietician was as pointless as I thought it would be. I'm so glad these sessions are over now as they really have been making me insane. I'm pleased that my weight was 39.15kg, meaning my BMI is about 16.8. That makes me happy but then I get sad that something so messed up makes me happy. I told the dietician I don't know why I was ever referred to her because clearly I have other issues that need addressing before I can tackle my eating habits. She pretty much agreed and will be recommending that I get some psychological support for those issues. Not sure when that will happen though as things are a bit complicated due to a new NHS trust taking over the services in my town. One thing I've come to realise though is that although I clearly have Body Dsymorphic Disorder, resulting in body image issues, the main reason I have an eating disorder is because of my control issues. It actually has little to do with wanting to "look good". The more out of control my life gets, the worse my eating gets as I try to exert control over at least one area of my life. So although finding out about this traineeship is a good thing, and working on my application form is positive and I actually have a glimmer of hope for once in my life, my eating problems are probably the worst they have ever been because everything is so up in the air and I can't cope with it. Plus, I've had months of struggling with a physical problem that triggered so much of the trauma I experienced at 13, which has also added to my sense of a loss of control, plus all that crap with my previous support worker. Is it any wonder my mental health has deteriorated over the last few months? I saw my back-up doctor today (found out my regular doctor has had surgery and they don't know when he'll be back ) because I have been getting heart palpitations. He took my blood pressure and listened to my heart and then asked if I could wait to get an ECG. That was pretty stressful and probably not good for my heart! Anyway, the healthcare assistant doing the ECG was horrible. You know, you don't want someone overly friendly when you're lying there with your bra on show, but you do want someone who will at least try and put you at ease. She made no effort at all and I felt really uncomfortable.I tried to read the ECG and saw the words "possible enlargement of left..." before she whipped it away and went to show it to the doctor. But then she came back and said I could go so I assume it was all fine. Wish I'd asked her to explain it to me though. I've been prescribed something for anxiety. I don't think anxiety is causing my heart palpitations! Never mind... So that has been my day. I feel drained. |
| Day 12 prompt: What is your learning style? Do you learn and process things best by listening (auditory), watching (visual), or doing (kinesthetic)? Are you strongly one way or a mix of two or even all three? If you are weak at a particular type, how does that affect your everyday life? I think I learn best through a mixture of all three. When at school and university, my preferred method for revising for exams was making posters and then reading the text out loud. I think the physical act of doing something creative and drawing and colouring in pictures etc kept my interest, whilst reading through the notes and looking at the illustrations helped get the information into my head. Then reading the text out loud just helped to really cement the information into place! This method seemed to suit me fine and I usually did okay in exams. I think I'm weakest at the listening type because I have the attention span of a puppy and voices just don't tend to hold my attention. This caused me to really struggle at university and attending two hour lectures became a form of torture for me. The only way I found I could concentrate was to listen and doodle at the same time. Many of my lecture notes are covered in ridiculous little drawings! I felt bad about how rude I must have looked to tutors and how it must have seemed that I wasn't paying attention, but it was quite the opposite of course! I wish I had informed my tutors that I was actually doodling away to help me focus! However, when it comes to memorising huge chunks of text, like how I talked about in my last entry, I need to use the auditory learning style as well as the visual style through reading and the doing style through writing it out. But it only works with my own voice. So I couldn't, for example, get someone else to record themselves reading the text and then learn it through listening to that. I don't know why -- that's just the way it is! Weird. To be honest, I don't think I have found my optimum learning style yet. I think my brain has yet to show what it is truly capable of! I'm just too lazy to put the time and effort into finding the most helpful method or mix of methods. I should probably explore this a bit more! |
| Day 11 prompt: If you could develop any superpower, what would it be and why? If it came with a significant downside or the inability to fully hone/control it (e.g. telepathy that you couldn't turn off, flying but you'd sometimes float in your sleep, invisibility but you had to concentrate to become visible), would that affect the superpower you'd choose? Would you choose to have none at all? I actually already have a superpower. Yeah, I'm that little known superhero, ObsessionGirl! With my superhuman ability to obsess over the smallest detail for hours and hours on end, I quietly fight crime and unobtrusively save lives. But it comes at a terrible price: my sanity. I'm willing to bear this catastrophic impact on my mental wellbeing though... you know... for the good of humanity. Seriously though, I would love to be able to read minds. I struggle so badly with figuring out people's intentions so this would really come in handy. As for if it came with a significant downside and whether that would affect my choice, it depends what the downside is. If I couldn't switch off the ability to read minds, then I wouldn't choose this superpower. I can't always switch off from my own mind, which is hard enough, so I definitely don't need the chaos of a bunch of other people's minds on top of that. But if it was just going to give me a bad headache every now and then or something like that... well, maybe I would be able to put up with it. I find physical pain much easier to bear than mental pain. Another power I would love to have is a photographic memory. I do actually have a pretty awesome memory, which I value a lot, but it requires some effort on my part for it to work properly. As an example, I had to do a "seen" exam at University (we were given the exam question in advance). So I prepared my answer, which must have been over 1000 words, and then learned it off by heart, word-for-word. We had two hours for the exam but I was finished in about ten minutes because all I had to do was write out the answer I'd memorised! This wasn't actually that hard for me, but I would have preferred to have been able to just snap a picture of it with my mind than to actually spend time learning it! And I would be willing to put up with some pretty significant downsides for this ability. Interesting prompt! I feel like I want to write a superhero story now! |
| Day 10 prompt: Do your friends and family follow your blog? If so, do you tailor your posts accordingly? If not, and you suddenly found out that your friends and family read your blog regularly, would you be okay with it or would it make you nervous? Why? Nobody in my offline life, apart from Mark, reads my blog, as far as I know. And I'm okay with Mark reading it because he was a part of my online life here at writing.com before he became a part of my offline life too. If I found out that my family and friends were reading my blog, I would feel beyond nervous. I would be horrified, terrified, mortified... so many different kinds of words ending in "-fied" (haha!) This is because I don't share my personal problems with them and I don't want to. I kind of lead a double life. That's sad, I know. I don't really feel like going into the whole situation, to be honest. I seem to spend an awful lot of my time trying to explain to therapists and mental health professionals etc why I don't want my family to know how much I am struggling and why this doesn't mean that I'm not close to them or don't get on with them. Nobody ever understands how it is possible to feel you have a good, close relationship with people who you are hardly sharing anything of yourself with. But that is possible because I have that. It's fine that people don't understand it but it's not fine when they don't accept my stance on it and tell me that I can't possibly be close to my family. Yes, that's happened to me. But yeah, I said I didn't want to get into it and then I started getting into it! So enough of that. I get anxious thinking my family could come across my blog so I have set the access to registered authors+ only to make that less likely to happen. I don't think anyone in my family would join writing.com. I hope not anyway, because as well as my ridiculously revealing blog, there's all my poetry on the theme of mental illness and suicide too. Urgh. It doesn't bear thinking about. So I'm going to stop thinking about it! |
| Day 9 prompt: Guilty pleasures. What are three movies, books, television shows, music artists, and/or games you're afraid to admit to other people that you actually really enjoy? Why do they appeal to you? Um... I'm sure there are plenty of films that I should be afraid to admit to enjoying, but I'm just not! As I said in a previous recent blog entry, I am very much in touch with my inner child and so I have an awful lot of children's movies in my DVD collection. I'm talking lots of Disney. LOTS! Including the old and new versions of "Freaky Friday". Also, Dreamworks' "The Road to El Dorado" is one of my favourites films EVER, despite being extremely silly and childish. And I'm not afraid to admit to that, though others think it is weird, because it's a great film and it's hilarious and only someone like Scrooge wouldn't enjoy it! The same goes for books, really. I've read Harry Potter so many times I've lost count and perhaps a normal person wouldn't want to admit that, but I'm not normal! Harry Potter got me through some tough times when I was a teenager so the series means a lot to me. Also, in 2012 I decided to reread Enid Blyton's Malory Towers series. I adored these books as a child and yep, I adored them when I read them again. And I don't care who knows it! They are awesome! Now, music is perhaps another story... I don't really like to admit to people that I'm a fan of Darius . I feel somewhat ashamed of this and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe because he first entered the limelight through a reality TV show? I don't know. But I shouldn't feel embarrassed or afraid to admit I like Darius because his music is actually good and he writes it himself. And he's an absolute hottie! Seriously, google him (the Wikipedia picture doesn't do him justice!) I saw him in concert when I was 16 and he was amazing. I was in love with him and felt sad that the lyrics from one of his songs talks about a girl who is 5 foot 9. I spent the whole year I was 16 desperately praying to a god I don't believe in to allow me to grow nine inches... because I thought then I could go and profess my love to Darius and actually stand a chance. Now, that's embarrassing! And what's even more embarrassing is that I just used the word "hottie"...! But otherwise I am struggling to come up with examples of things/artists I feel afraid to admit I enjoy. I guess I'm just very secure in my own tastes and pleasures and don't feel the need to feel guilty about any of them! So my apologies for failing to come up with three examples. And in other news, not related to the prompt...  The first real session back with the conservation group went well today though I completely overdid it and now feel exhausted beyond belief. I think I have a throat infection. Starting to feel pretty ill and am feeling very sorry myself. I tried calling my support worker earlier but had to leave an answerphone message (which I hate doing) and I totally blanked on my number and am not sure I got it right. It shouldn't be a major deal as she has my number so should be able to look it up (I left my name so she'll know it's me). Thing is, she's incredibly lazy and I don't know if she'll bother to do that if I got it wrong. And she hasn't called me back. And I need to speak to her because I am freaking out about my dietician appointment on Monday seeing as I couldn't even think about attempting the meal plan, let alone actually attempt it. So yeah, feeling a bit crappy today. |
| Day 8 prompt: Write about a time where you overheard or saw something you weren't meant to. What was it, and - in retrospect - are you better off or worse off for having overheard/witnessed it? Tough, tough prompt! Because the only things I can think of that answer this question are things I don't especially want to blog about. Oh well... I've gone too far to back out now! But be warned, this is a rather pathetic story! (I think I may have mentioned it before actually, but here are the juicy details). In my second year of University I decided to make a real effort to make a real friend. I had plenty of acquaintances, but no true friends who I felt close to. I am not a sociable person. The social world is difficult for me. I am on the autism spectrum after all! But I didn't know that back then, even if I suspected it. So, because social stuff doesn't come naturally, I tend to watch people a lot in social situations to see what I can learn and one thing I'd noticed in my first year was that a lot of the girls I lived in halls with very quickly broke off into intense friendship groups, where they suddenly seemed to know absolutely everything about each other. And that gave me a bright idea!  By this point I didn't live in halls anymore -- I'd moved into a flat with two of my previous housemates, plus a new person. So I decided to test out my idea on one of my flatmates. Bright spark that I am, I decided to tell her an awful lot of deeply personal stuff about myself in an attempt to bring us closer together. I thought if I created this level of intimacy, she would want to be friends with me. Because that's how it seemed to work to me. One of the things I told her was how the woman my half-brother, G----, had had a child with (and split up with) was marrying his half-brother (not related to me -- G----'s mother's son). I told her I found this a little weird and also a bit upsetting because I felt it might, in some way, be disrespectful to my brother's memory (he'd died the year before). But I also said I was trying to accept it because I understand people can't help who they fall for. This all seemed to go well and we talked and I didn't even notice that she didn't offer me anything personal about herself! I felt good about it.Then, several weeks later, her friend from home visited and they were chatting in the living room. I don't think they realised I was in the flat because they were talking about me, quite loudly. And I overheard my flatmate telling her friend pretty much everything I'd told her. And they laughed about the situation with my brother's ex-girlfriend. They laughed about it. I was devastated. I'd trusted someone and they hadn't only betrayed me, but made fun of me in the process. I never confronted her about what happened as I didn't have the confidence, but I'm glad I was there to overhear it. Painful as it was, I learned a valuable lesson that day: you don't automatically make friends by sharing your personal life! I realised I'd been very naïve and vowed never to make that mistake again. Now, I know I share ridiculous amounts of personal stuff in my blog, because I need an emotional outlet and a place to vent and it feels somewhat safe to do it here, but I am much more guarded in my offline life. I hate that this experience has damaged my trust in people but I'm glad I have learned to be a little more socially intelligent. But thinking back on stuff like this makes me wonder how I didn't realise sooner that I have Asperger's Syndrome. It certainly helps me to know now because I look back on this kind of thing and think, don't worry, you weren't being totally stupid, your brain is just wired a bit differently and you made a mistake. So that is the story of when I overheard something I wasn't supposed to. It makes me sad. |
| Day 7 prompt: What's your opinion of reality TV? Love it, hate it, indifferent to it? Why? Ah, reality TV! Love it or loathe it, you can't escape it! It's everywhere! So how do I feel about it? Well, I'm not sure. Depends which show we are talking about, I suppose. I'm not going to lie, there have been many "reality" TV shows that I have enjoyed, even loved. One that springs to mind is "Faking It". In this show, an ordinary member of the public lived and trained with experts in something and then took part in a contest among experienced competitors and tried to fool a panel of judges. An episode that sticks out for me is when a showgirl trained to become a showjumper. I loved that show and it was often both gripping and moving as the person worked hard to achieve something, often really struggling in the process. You were usually left with a warm, fuzzy feeling at the end, even if they'd failed to fool the judges, because often the participant had had a life-changing experience and made lifelong friends in the people who they had worked with. So I like those kind of programmes, where the people in them learn something and have an experience that changes their life in some way or makes them a better person. I'll also admit that I have watched and enjoyed several series of shows like "The X Factor" and "Britain's Got Talent". I like these kind of shows for their entertainment value and because it's fun when you find someone to really root for. But I don't like the cruel elements of programmes like this, when the audience is invited to laugh at and mock people who are seen as a bit weird or different. But there are some reality shows I won't go near, one being "Big Brother" because I hate the concept. I've seen snippets from past series and thought it looked completely boring and stupid. Another one is "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here". It's funny this is classed as a reality show when the format is so far from reality. I did watch the first series and would have enjoyed it if they hadn't tortured so many animals in it. I just didn't approve of the use of animals in their various tasks and trials so I boycott this show now. I think there is a place for reality TV but not those shows that just create an influx of celebrity wannabes who would do anything for attention. So yes, I love the reality shows that take people on a meaningful journey or offer insight into something, for example, "24 Hours in A & E", which is recorded in an actual Accident and Emergency department of a hospital. These shows are interesting and you can take something from them. But I hate the shows that are all about greed and attention and selfishness, where people's only goal seems to be becoming famous for the sake of it, not through any talent they possess. But isn't it funny that many of the shows we label "Reality TV" often bear no resemblance to actual reality? |
| Day 6 prompt: If you could live in any fictional world (novel, movie, television show, comic book, etc.) which world would you want to live in and why? There was a similar topic to this in one of the recent issues of "Invalid Item" , except that only allowed you to exist in a film and I chose Toy Story. This is because I adore the Toy Story films and I think it would be awesome to live in a world where toys are alive! You know, when I was a child, a part of me actually truly believed that toys were alive and had feelings and I thought this before I'd ever even seen Toy Story! I remember one time seeing a cuddly toy tiger poking out of a half-open rubbish sack in the street and feeling distraught that someone had thrown it away and that it was destined for the rubbish tip. My mum wouldn't let me get it but told me the bin collection people would rescue it and one of them would take it home for their children. She said they did this all the time. I believed her and felt better! Can't believe my mum lied to me!  That tiger still haunts me to this day. I am very much in touch with my inner child and suppose a part of me will always remain a little childish! Is that a good or bad thing?But now I can consider novels and tv shows too etc. As I've been so caught up in the Game of Thrones series, both the books and TV show, I'm tempted to say that, but it is such a brutal world. I think I would fit well into a medieval-esque world though. However, I know I'd be too feisty and clever for my own good and get up to all sorts of mischief! So, no, I'm not going to go with Game of Thrones. It has to be Harry Potter, of course -- the books, not the films. The Harry Potter world captured my attention as a teenager and I completely fell in love with it. I'd do anything to go to Hogwarts! I'd be in Hufflepuff. I know it's the joke house but I don't care, I would actually choose it. I could never be in Slytherin, because I'm not mean or ambitious. I could be in Gryffindor because I have had to demonstrate courage a lot in my life and I could probably be in Ravenclaw too, as I'm somewhat intelligent and have a quirky way of thinking. But I'd choose to be a Hufflepuff because I value hard work and loyalty over the other traits. Can you tell I've put a lot of thought into this, lol?! I'd love to learn magic and take subjects such as "Care of Magical Creatures" and "Defence Against the Dark Arts". I'd be useless at "Potions" (I bet it's like chemistry and I hated chemistry) but I'm sure "Charms" and "Transfiguration" would be a lot of fun. Yes, I definitely want to be a witch in the Harry Potter world. In other news, not related to this prompt, I have a new poem in my port that I kind of like. It was such a difficult form:
I've also had a really good day. I had a productive and helpful session with my job centre adviser and will be seeing her again in two weeks so she can help me with my traineeship application form. I'll be making a start on it and she'll read it over next time. I also had a great therapy session and talked a lot and love my therapist even more, if that's possible! I managed to express to her today how much the sessions are helping me. I walked Jade twice (in the rain!) and have managed to eat under 900 calories, which I feel great about. I realise it's a bit twisted that I see that as a positive thing, but meh, whatever. In my next therapy session we are really going to focus on my eating problems etc so maybe I can finally start getting a handle on it and get things back to how they were before, or maybe even to an improved version of that. I will probably take a sleeping tablet tonight because I sense my mood is close to crashing and I obviously don't want that to happen. Though it has been a positive day, I am now exhausted and don't think I'll be able to cope with my insomnia tonight. So I hope to round off a good day with a good night's sleep. |
| Day 5 prompt: Even though there's no legal/copyright protection for ideas themselves, do you think it's morally acceptable to take another writer's idea and write your own version of it without permission or giving them credit? Would you find it more or less acceptable if that person weren't a writer or artist themselves? Why? My dog got me up at a ridiculous hour this morning so while she was out in the garden, I decided to log on to read today's prompt so I could start thinking about it while I tried to get back to sleep and also allow my subconscious to work on it. So yeah, I really shouldn't read prompts when I'm still half asleep because I totally misread it! Oops! I thought it was asking if it's acceptable to use another writer's idea to create your own version and my answer to that would have been: yes, it is morally acceptable to do that. I was going to use the example of West Side Story because if it wasn't acceptable to make another writer's idea your own, then we wouldn't have West Side Story because it is, of course, a retelling of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. And a world without West Side Story just wouldn't be worth living in (lol!) But it's not asking that. So to answer the question properly, I personally think it would be acceptable to do it without asking permission, though I wouldn't go as far to say that would be morally acceptable. Seeking permission would be a courtesy and I'd definitely do that. But I definitely think it would be unacceptable to not credit the other writer. However, it's a bit more complicated than that really, isn't it? It depends on what aspect of the idea you end up using. I mean, if you were just using the basic "structure" of the idea but fleshing it out with your own details, then I don't necessarily think you would need to get permission or credit the other writer. But I can't think of a specific example to clarify what I mean here. But if you wanted to take the essence of that person's idea and just rewrite it in your own words, then I think you should seek permission and absolutely credit the original writer. There was a writer here on WDC who asked my permission to write his own version of my poem, "Invalid Item" . I really appreciated him asking me and I was glad that he specified he would credit me with the original idea. I was really flattered and happy that he liked my idea so much he wanted to write his own version. But as he used the "essence" of my idea, then I definitely think he needed to get my permission and credit me and I would have been quite offended if I'd just stumbled upon his poem and realised he'd taken my idea without asking me.As for the second part of the question, I think even if the person wasn't a writer or artist themselves you should still seek their permission and credit them with the idea because that's just good manners. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable taking credit for another person's idea, even if I knew they were never going to use it themselves. It would just feel wrong to me.I have no idea if I'm making any sense here. Sorry if I'm not. This prompt is hard! |
| I know I already blogged today, but I wanted to mention this too just not in the same entry: it looks like I haven't got an interview for the traineeship I desperately wanted and I feel gutted about that. I suppose there is a still a chance I could hear something next week seeing as interviews are the week starting the 13th, but I think it is unlikely now. I did send an email on December 23rd to follow up on my application form but have not heard back from them yet. However, yesterday I found another traineeship and though it isn't exactly what I want to do, like the other one, in some ways it is even better. This is because it is a traineeship specifically for people who have faced barriers to employment and they strongly encourage people with disabilities and people who have been long-term unemployed to apply. That's me! They want to give the people that other employers pass over time and time again a chance. That's me! And they want to support these people and give them opportunities to develop skills so they can go on to get meaningful employment after the year's training is up. Some of the application form is really tough but there is space on there to talk about why and how this opportunity would benefit me and also to explain the journey I have been on in my life that has got me to where I am now. I think that's amazing! I'll be able to talk about my Asperger's and my struggle with mental illness and not feel afraid that it's going to count against me. I'll be able to express that this would be a life-changing experience for me and not worry that they'll think I'm being over the top or manipulative or anything like that. I cried when I saw this opportunity and I cry pretty much every time I think about it. I'm just overwhelmed by the timing of it and how incredibly perfect it sounds for me and how much I want it. So yeah, there is still a very small chance I'll get an interview for the other traineeship but if that doesn't work out it won't be as devastating as it would have been had this opportunity not come along. The deadline for applications is March 1st and I am going to work so incredibly hard on mine. I've signed up for a taster day too, so I can get more of an idea about the role and site. I'm not guaranteed a place on that but I think I've applied early so hopefully I'll get one. I'm making one last big effort to change my life for the better. If this doesn't work out, I give up. Seriously. After this I am done because I just can't do it anymore. I am so damn close to breaking point but I think I have it in me for this one last attempt. I'm nothing if not a fighter but I can't fight forever. I have been struggling for thirteen years. Constantly. There has been no let-up in my depression during that time. Please, please, please keep your fingers crossed for me because I need this more than I have ever needed anything in my life. |
Day 4 prompt: How would you get away with the perfect murder (or bank robbery if you prefer something less... homicidal  )Hmmmm, ok... I'm about to reveal my dark, twisted side... I would stab someone with an icicle and then melt the murder weapon and leave it to evaporate. Mwahahaha! I think I may be an evil genius! But seriously, I could never murder someone. I can't even murder bugs! I can kind of understand crimes of passion, where someone loses control for a moment and kills someone in the heat of that moment, but I cannot comprehend cold, calculated murders. Having said that, I am contemplating writing a horror novel about a murderer this year. Horror is not really my genre and I've never written a novel before but my poem "Invalid Item" is crying out for me to tell it in more detail and I am tempted, very tempted. Scared though! Can I write a novel? I'm a poet! But I want to try. And I think it would be interesting to get into the mind of a killer. As for robbing a bank? I really can't think of the perfect way to do that. I guess I'm not clever enough to overcome all the possible security systems. Perhaps I'm not an evil genius after all. I would definitely make an atypical bank robber though seeing as I'm female and only five feet small... perhaps I could use that to my advantage somehow. Nobody would suspect the ridiculously innocent-looking tiny person! But I really couldn't do it, even if I wanted to, which I don't! I'm not cut out for a life of crime. I have a nervous disposition and I'm an extremely moral person so it really wouldn't work! |
| Day 3 prompt: Do you have any tattoos or piercings (other than your ears, ladies)? If so, what have you had done and why? If not, would you ever consider getting a tattoo or piercing? What would you get done and under what circumstances? I got my ears pierced when I was a child but haven't worn earrings for probably well over ten years. I just couldn't be bothered with them anymore. I don't know whether the pierced holes are closed up now, though I can still see where they were. Does that happen? I don't know if they can fully close up but I'm willing to bet it would hurt a lot to try and put earrings through them and I can't see myself trying that any time soon! I've never had any other piercings and I never will. I think they can look nice on other people, but they're not for me. One thing I really, really hate though is those tunnel things that people have to stretch holes in their earlobes. Urgh, those things make me shudder. I think they look horrible. Urgh! As for tattoos, I again think they can look nice on other people, but I don't have one myself and don't want one. I did toy with the idea a few years ago and even selected a design I loved but I never went through with it and I'm glad now. It was a snake with butterfly wings and was supposed to symbolise change. Sounds weird but it was actually really beautiful. Tattoos are just too permanent for me and I didn't know how I would feel about it in ten, twenty, fifty years time so that made me realise that getting one would be a really stupid idea. And I couldn't decide where to have it either. Though I definitely wouldn't have had it on my lower back -- I think tattoos there can look really unsophisticated. I also have to say that tattoos never seem to look good on ladies when they are dressed formally. Sorry if that's offensive, but it's my opinion. I think a person should only get a tattoo if it's going to mean something and symbolise something important and if I meet someone with tattoos, I enjoy hearing the stories behind them. Getting a tattoo just for the sake of it is stupid, in my opinion! And I really don't know what else I can say on this subject so I'm going to shut up now! |
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