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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I think my medication is making me gain weight. So far not much by a normal person's standard but a huge something-to-freak-out-about amount by my standards. So I have to decide, do I want to sleep or do I want to stay skinny? I'm really not in a good place right now when it comes to body image and eating etc so I think sleep is going to lose this one... meaning I'm going to lose sleep. I think this is the stress of my impending eating disorder assessment taking toll. I'm really considering cancelling it because although I realise I have a problem, I'm not sure I'm ready to get help. Right now I'm panicking and thinking if I lose as much weight as possible before I see them, then I can just agree to gain back to this weight. However, if I go at this weight, then they'll still want me to gain and I'll have to go above this weight. Does that make sense? It does in my crazy mind!I went for a long, long time without eating today... until I felt weak and dizzy and my eyesight went blurry. And it was scarily empowering. I'm an idiot, I know! I do realise that. I can't believe I have let this get out of control. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already? And I don't get where it has come from. I never judge other people by their size so why do I judge myself in this way? I feel like such a horrible, hypocritical, shallow person... Do you know what's really twisted? When people comment on my weight and say I look underweight and tell me my BMI is low, I feel good. I feel like I've achieved something. That's disturbing, isn't it? I'm so depressed right now. I can't bear the thought of the insomnia coming back but I can't bear the thought of putting on weight either. What the hell am I supposed to do?  |
| I just stopped watching the film Silk after 45 minutes. The book, written by Alessandro Baricco, is beautiful, poetic and unusual. I love it and have read it twice (wish I could read it in the original language!) The film? ARGH! It’s dull and bland and pointless. The central character, Hervé, played by Michael Pitt, spent most of the first 45 minutes staring off vacantly into space and pouting his lips. It’s set in France and yet they speak with American accents. It’s bizarre hearing Keira Knightley speak with a poor American accent in a film set in France. The woman Hervé becomes obsessed with in Japan does everything very slowly and deliberately, which I think is supposed to make her seem alluring and mysterious, but I just found it comical. I don’t like giving up on films, so I might persevere with the rest of it some time, but not tonight. I’m so disappointed! The book has such a beautiful rhythm to it and I was curious about how they would capture that on film. Well, they didn’t! Such a shame! |
Well, I've had 18 visitors to my new forum but no orders yet. 
At least it looks good though!  |
Oh wow am I tired?! Yep! I spent the morning willow coppicing with the conservation group, which was exhausting. I took a before and after shot for the Facebook page (note to self: put pictures on FB page either this evening or tomorrow!) And I've just realised that I can share them here as I have a premium membership now! Look: (you should be able to see them now!)   We were brutal, lol! The idea was to create an open space to encourage migratory birds and we have certainly achieved that. I managed to stay the whole session and I walked Jade as soon as I got back because I knew if I sat down, I wouldn't get up again! But I am suffering physically now. I am totally worn out. I was pretty sociable today. I mostly worked near C---- and M--- and they like to chat a lot, so I joined in when I could. C---- in particular is incredibly funny -- I love his sense of humour. I met two interesting new people, a lady from Poland, who absolutely fell in love with my jacket and kept going on about how nice it looks! -- and a man, either the Polish lady's partner or friend, who got very excited when I told him about my degree and chatted with me for ages about how to get an academic-based job (I don't want an academic-based job, lol!) But he was very sweet. They both were. And, my social life is about to really take off (  ) as I've arranged to meet up with someone from the AS group outside of the AS group next Wednesday. I'm a bit nervous about that but it will give me something different to do.I finished and sent off my job application about half an hour ago. ARGH! My care coordinator is in agreement with me that I probably couldn't handle this job right now ( ) but my advisor from the jobcentre is eager for me to go for it and deal with whatever happens when it happens. I so badly want it and I so badly want to be able to do it. But I have to be realistic and if I'm worn out from doing 3 hours of work this morning, how can I hope to do a full time job? That's depressing.Now I don't know what to do! I'm just trying to resist the urge to have a nap! |
I've been working on a forum where people can send images to me to customise with text for a small gift point fee. I've never run anything like this before so I'm very nervous! I don’t think I'll get a huge amount of business from it (if any!  ) but I thought I’d give it a try. It's pretty much good to go but I'm procrastinating with opening it as I'm so anxious! But I've wanted to do this for a while and now I have a premium membership, I have plenty of room for it in my port. I love customising my own images and thought why shouldn't I do this for other people too and earn a few gift points from it? So maybe I’ll be brave and open it later!Today I saw my doctor as I have been getting a lot of dizziness recently and also have a lump in my neck that feels a little weird. The doctor measured my blood pressure and heart rate, first when I was sitting and then standing. My blood pressure was fine but he said my heart rate was a bit high and now he wants me to have an ECG. I’m just wondering if perhaps my heart rate was high because I get stressed and anxious when visiting the doctor!He also examined my neck and found a couple of other lumps as well as the one I knew about. He doesn’t think these are anything to worry about but has told me to keep an eye on them and to report any changes. So new stuff to worry about! Yay! I also found out that the psychiatrist I saw has prescribed me Risperidone. It’s actually an antipsychotic but can help with depression and anxiety in small doses. However, after researching it online a bit I have decided that there is absolutely no way I am taking this medication! Ever. No chance. I read horror stories of people who had extreme weight gain on it. And I mean extreme. It’s just not worth it. If I have body image problems and issues with my weight when I’m technically underweight, then what would I be like if I put on weight or even became overweight? I know I couldn’t cope with it. I know the mental health team are going to be pissed at me but it’s my life and my body and I can make my own decisions. I'm seeing my care coordinator tomorrow and am looking forward to hearing her excuse for why she didn't attend the psychiatrist appointment with me when she said she would. Now I might go and get some reviews done that need doing... if I can concentrate! I've also got to finish off my job application before the 13th. I'm nearly done with that but it has been incredibly stressful. ARGH! Too much stress! |
| I can’t sleep again. I think the insomnia is definitely back with a vengeance because I had less than three hours sleep last night, have had a crazy busy day and haven’t napped at all. So I am understandably completely exhausted. But sleep remains elusive. I can’t believe it’s back. You know, I love the opening lines of that song I posted in my last blog entry: Deep in the bosom of the gentle night Is when I search for the light Pick up my pen and start to write I struggle, fight dark forces in the clear moon light Without fear Insomnia I can't get no sleep I wish I’d written that! Today… I had therapy. Yes, I arranged my own because the mental health team don’t seem capable of doing it. This was actually my second session. It was really good. That's a first. This was also the first time I’ve ever left a therapy session feeling somewhat better, rather than worse. I talked! I feel like I said more in this session than I’ve ever said in all my previous counselling sessions put together! I love the therapist’s technique. She asks loads of questions, many of them closed, and this is so much easier for me! I hate it when counsellors just sit there with an expectant expression. She doesn’t do that. I actually want to go back. That’s another first! I’m going to work through my trauma. I know it will be tough, but I really want to do this. I just hope it will help. This evening my sister burned something in the microwave and my god does it stink! The whole house smells like how I imagine hell must smell. It is horrific! We’ve had all the windows open (despite the fact it is FREEZING), boiled lemons and left bowls of boiled lemons in every room, sprayed perfume, burned incense and I can still smell it. I’m incredibly sensitive to smells. I can hardly handle the odour of cleaning products, for example. They are unbearable to me. So this… this… well this is my nightmare. I can feel it invading my brain and burning down my throat. I can’t stand the thought that it is clinging to my hair and clothes and skin. Gah! I’ve had some amazing stuff happen on WDC today. Firstly I logged on this morning to find out that I’d won 29,000gps in a raffle! Then I noticed that I’d won the final prize for "Invalid Item" which is spectacular! I have the choice of a year’s upgraded membership plus 350,000gps, a 6 month premium membership or an 18 month upgraded membership plus 500gps. I have decided to go with the Premium because I have been thinking of upgrading to this for a while and have been saving my gps to do just that. I’m just a little worried about how I’ll maintain it after the 6 months are up but I’m sure it will be ok! I’ve never had a premium membership before so I am super excited!And that’s not all! I also got an awardicon for my portfolio earlier! Go and take a look! I am so honoured and overwhelmed by this. But now I just wish I could get some sleep. Thank goodness for writing.com. I don't know how I'd cope without this place.  |
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] For the first time in almost three months, I can't sleep. I know this is because I'm sleep-deprived and stressed and so completely gutted, but it kind of feels like the end of the world for me right now. I just feel sick remembering what it was like before, when I had this night after night after night... I can't bear to go through that again. Please, please, please let this be a one off. Please don't let me go to back to how it was before. I am begging gods I don't even believe in! That's how desperate I feel. Why does the world hate me so much? Seriously. I have had waaaaay more than my fair share of shit. I will not be able to cope if the insomnia is back. |
| I feel like I'm having a constant anxiety attack at the moment, which really isn't a whole lot of fun. I spent a lot of time this afternoon working on my job application and it's breaking my heart. Yeah, I really don't think I could accept this job if by some miracle I was offered it, no matter how much I want it. And it's not just because of the stuff I blogged about before (that it's full time and at least 45 minutes away). No, it's because I have lost an awful lot of the skills and knowledge I gained at University. So when I write in my application that I completed a plant identification module and have experience of conducting Phase I Habitat surveys, I'm not lying. But can I remember anything from that module? Nope, hardly a thing. And could I carry out a Phase I Habitat survey now? Nope, no chance. I should have kept practising. I should have completed top-up courses to keep my skills fresh. Should have, should have, should have... I regret my whole life. I would do anything to start over. But I'm still fighting anyway even though I know it's pointless. I'm trying to gain some of it back and I'm starting with trees, because they're easy. I took my tree ID guide out with me when I walked Jade and set myself the goal of identifying three different species. I ended up doing five but the only one I was confident about was the oak and even then I wasn't confident about my decision to call it a sessile oak tree, rather than a pedunculate one. But meh... whatever. At least I knew it was an oak! I so badly want to skip the conservation group tomorrow but I am going to try and force myself to go. I want to do some serious networking and find out if anyone in the group has strong plant ID skills or knows anyone who does, who might be willing to give me a crash course. I reckon I'd only need an hour to refresh my tree skills, though I'd need much longer for other plant-life and I've never been good with grass and sedge species. But I only need the basics. I really don't know if I have the strength to go though, when I'm feeling this depressed and anxious, or if I'll even have the courage to ask people about this stuff. I learned two things earlier: 1. Dogs do not like hanging around while their owners try to identify trees... or at least mine doesn't! And 2. Muttering to yourself and staring vacantly up at tree canopies while you hold a dog lead in one hand and an open book in the other gets you some funny looks from passersby. Am I truly crazy or merely eccentric? I'm going with eccentric because it sounds nicer!Anyway, enough of all that nonsense. I think I have identified my first magazine to submit to but I want to get a couple more issues before I definitely decide. Thankfully it's weekly so I won't have to wait too long. And they pay! I have a poem that I think will really appeal to their market. And I have a short story too. You know, it hadn't even crossed my mind that I could also submit my stories until Mark suggested that to me! I'm excited about the poem because it's one of my rhyming ones and I didn't think I'd be able to find any homes for those. But this magazine prefers rhyming poetry. I think their readers tend to be the more mature ladies who like positive and inspiring stuff. So an awful lot of my poetry wouldn't fit but I think this one poem I have really will. And I think I'll submit that first, see how it goes, and then try the story. Exciting stuff! So I'll try not to kill myself until I've done all this. Yeah, as well as wanting to experience going abroad before I die, I also want to know what it feels like to be a paid writer. So I'm hanging on. And fighting with everything I have. Damn, I'm exhausted though. |
| I’m really not doing too well right now. I’ve got something going on that part of me wants to share but a bigger part of me just can’t. Don’t know if that makes much sense. But whatever. I have strong suicidal thoughts right now though doubt I’m going to kill myself. I want to experience going abroad for the first time next month so I’m putting off dying until after that. I called the mental health team and asked to speak to my care coordinator, seeing as I don’t have a support worker anymore, but she wasn’t available. I left a message asking her to call me but of course she didn’t. Maybe that’s a good thing—I’m not really sure what I would have said or how she could help me. I doubt I can even talk to her about what’s going on. A bit of support would have been nice though! But support from the mental health team? I’m joking, right?! Must be. I could cry but I’ll just keep rolling my eyes instead. |
| I am not looking forward to tomorrow. In the morning I have a dental hygienist appointment. I’ve been told by my dentist that I don’t need to see the hygienist but I am very OCDish about my teeth and if seeing the hygienist will give me a couple of weeks respite from the obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviour associated with my teeth, then why shouldn’t I? It’s my money after all! If I want to waste it on an unnecessary hygienist appointment then that is my right and my business! But just because I’ve chosen to go doesn’t mean I want to and lying in a tilted back chair while someone pokes around inside my mouth is not exactly my idea of fun. In the afternoon I have a hospital appointment which will make the hygienist visit seem like a trip to Disneyland. Today has dragged on and on and on. I’ve taken part in some of the site’s birthday celebrations and read an awful lot of “A Clash of Kings” but beyond that I haven’t done much at all and I feel bored, fat and lazy. I’ve noticed that the more stressed and bored I feel, the fatter I believe I am. And I don’t even believe the scales if I use them. It’s so bizarre. How can I truly think I’m fat at the same time as knowing I’m not? That should be impossible but it isn't in my brain! My crazy, crazy brain… But I’ll end on a positive note… “A Clash of Kings”… it’s every bit as absorbing and amazing as “A Game of Thrones”! I love it. |
| I’ve seen a job I really, really want. It isn’t exactly my dream job, but I can see myself doing it and some aspects of it really appeal to me. I would get to be outdoors a lot. I wouldn’t have to interact with many people, probably just colleagues. It isn’t customer-focused at all (yay!) It is science-related but doesn’t involve research on animals at all. They’re plant scientists. I’d never do anything to an animal but I’ll do whatever they like to plants! I would get to collect soil and water samples, which would probably be very repetitive. I LIKE repetitive. Sometimes I would get to conduct environmental surveys. I LOVE environmental surveys! The salary is awesome—much more than I could probably hope to earn if I keep pursing a career in conservation. So why the dilemma? Well, it is full time. They don’t have the exact hours listed but I should imagine it’s something like 40 hours a week. I am very fragile both physically and mentally at the moment and I don’t know if I could cope with a full time job. Also, I believe they are based about 45 minutes away. That’s not good. Could I cope with a full time job and a 45 minute commute twice a day? I doubt it. And moving is out of the question. I know for certain I couldn’t cope with moving to somewhere strange where I don’t know anyone. But I am going to call on Monday to double check the location. There is a lot of field work and that might take place closer to me. If I’m in the field three days a week at a reasonable distance from where I live and only have to go to the lab twice a week, then maybe I can do it? I think I stand a good chance of getting this job or at least being shortlisted for an interview. I meet all of their essential requirements and most of their desired requirements. They don’t even want someone with a degree, though that is listed as “desirable”. I have a degree! And it’s relevant to this job. I have experience of environmental surveys. I have experience of lab work and collecting data and manipulating data. I’ve worked with statistics. I’m meticulous and able to cope with repetition. I loved collecting data for my marine zoology project and my main research project when I was University. ARGH! I think I’m going to apply for it and see what happens. Why not? I’ll just take it one step at a time. I’ll apply and if I don’t hear anything then that’s that. If I get called for an interview, I’ll decide then what to do and discuss it with Mark, my jobcentre advisor, someone in the mental health team (and my doctor?) Filling out a job application is good experience anyway and if nothing comes of this or I decide not to pursue it, I’ll at least have a science-related application that I’ll be able to adapt for other science-related jobs. So yes… I think I’ll apply and just wait and see what happens. I should do that right? Damn mental illness. It has ruined my life. This should be easy. I should be able to apply for this job and feel confident I can handle it. But my confidence it so low. Why, why, why did I have to get ill? |
| You need pandas! [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] My sister was funny when she said pandas are like “big, drunk babies!” I’ve had an obsession with them since I was a year old when I was given a cuddly toy panda for Christmas. I fell in love! I actually think this is one of the things that lead to me being diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. People with AS tend to have very focused special interests. I’ve had mine for 25 years! In my baby book my mum wrote that my favourite toy was “panda, panda and more panda!” I showed this to the guy who carried out my assessment and also told him I still have the original panda toy that kick-started my obsession. I also happened to be wearing panda-patterned socks the day of my assessment too, but I didn’t tell him that!  It gets on my nerves when people say we shouldn’t save the panda and that it deserves to go extinct because they are not a strong enough species. That’s bullshit! True they have a low birth rate and the female is only sexually receptive for two or three days a year but they got along just fine before we started poaching them and destroying their habitat. Humans ruin everything. But that’s depressing. Time to watch the video again, I think! |
There’s a bit of rhyming slang for you up in the title of this blog entry!  It means “I’m knackered” (which means “I’m exhausted”). I don’t know much rhyming slang but I think it’s a “language” I could get used to very quickly; it’s completely nonsensical and lots of fun and I love to have fun with words by creating nonsensical phrases! I have a lot of invented words. Anyway, I had very little sleep last night and had to get up early this morning to take Mark to the station ( ). Then I couldn’t go back to bed as I had to go to the conservation group. Well, I didn’t have to go but I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t. It was hard, physical work and I stayed for the whole session, so that’s why I’m worn out. Plus I walked Jade this evening.I’ve had a new story in my port since the beginning of August but only made it public yesterday and I’ve already had three 5-star reviews for it.  I still get so, so nervous about sharing my stories but I’m pretty pleased with this one:
As the description says, it was inspired by something I saw while looking out a train window. I caught a glimpse of a single white plastic garden chair at the bottom of a garden, facing the train track, and I instantly wondered why it was there! It was in such an odd position and I started to think about who would have put it there and why. So that’s how this story was created! I came up with the whole plot on the rest of the journey and even “wrote” the opening in my head! Then I spent a couple of days working on it. The ending made me cry. This is the third story I’ve written that has an ending that makes me cry. I like my emotional endings! I don’t know if this story will have the same effect on other people but it was truly written from the heart and I really wanted that to come through. Also, I’m not sure if I blogged about this, but my second from last story won 1st place in a contest recently (though I think the contest has been deleted now).
So the story writing is actually going well! But I wish I was writing more poetry… |
| I saw a psychiatrist this morning for a medication review, which I didn't even want, and now I am seriously pissed off. I have been taking the Amitriptyline consistently for over two months now. It is the only medication I have ever felt motivated to take because it actually does something. I told the doctor I didn't want to stop taking it because I like being able to sleep. So what does he do? He changes my medication! Seriously. I am so, so sick of these people and how they never listen to me. Ever. Like I realised the other day that I have been asking for psychological therapy since February to help me deal with the trauma I experienced. That's SIX months ago and they STILL haven't done anything about it, even though I have repeatedly mentioned it since then. And then they turn it all around on me and say crap like "she's non-compliant when it comes to medication" and "she doesn't communicate with us about her needs". But how can I be compliant with my medication when they keep changing it and how is asking for therapy for six months straight not communicating my needs? And to top everything off, my care coordinator was supposed to attend the appointment with me but she didn't show up. And she knows how anxious I get around doctors and people I haven't met before. I don't know why I'm surprised though. I should have realised that she's just as inept as everyone else there. I am seriously considering discharging myself from the service. I think they have actually made my mental health worse. |
| I am really quite scarily depressed at the moment so I have eased off on my WDC activity over the last few days. It has been triggered by a couple of things, but I won’t bother going into them. I’ll blog about Spike instead. Spike is a spider who has made his home in the angle between my car door and the wing mirror. He has been there for a few months. When I drive he usually tucks himself safely away in a small gap behind the mirror but today when I was driving I noticed he’d come out onto his web. He was getting badly buffeted by the wind and I was quite worried about him. Obviously I couldn’t keep watching, as I needed to keep my eyes on the road, but when I looked back he was gone! My heart sank as I thought he’d gotten blown away and I actually felt pretty sad and thought he probably wouldn’t have survived a fall like that. But then a few minutes later I saw him peeking out from behind the mirror. Phew! I didn’t realise he meant so much to me! I guess that’s kind of sad really. But he has been there for so long I’ve just gotten used to him and we’ve driven to a fair few places together. I love my little spider buddy and I’m glad he’s safe. I hope he’ll be around for a while yet! |
| I am EPIC! Mwahaha! () This entry is about epic stuff. I have received THREE merit badges today!  ![Merit Badge in Poetry
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For writing outstanding poetry, such as *^*Right*^* [Link To Item #1946477] that touches this reader's heart. Beautifully done! *^*Heart*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/type-Poetry-2180.gif) ![Merit Badge in Judging
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Thank you for judging the July 2013 round of [Link To Item #character] !](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Judging-235.gif) ![Merit Badge in Reviewing
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For reviewing the most poems in the August 2013 Review Blitz for [Link To Item #1937699]](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Reviewing-2180.gif) I reviewed epically over the weekend. I managed 9 reviews for the Poet’s Place and have also done 3 for the Paper Doll Gang today—all reviews I’m proud of. I have started reading A Clash of Kings by George R. R. Martin, the second book of “A Song of Ice and Fire”, the first one being A Game of Thrones, of course. At 873 pages, it’s a pretty epic book! Tomorrow is going to be an epic day as I have two appointments, one at 9am and one at 5pm. Plus my aunt and cousins are coming from Yorkshire to drop my Grandma off as she’s visiting us for a few days. They’ll probably stay for hours. Plus Mark is coming in the evening. And I’m sure there’s something else I’m forgetting. So I’ll be busy, busy, busy. My first appointment is at the jobcentre. I’m almost looking forward to this as I haven’t seen my advisor since I decided that I definitely want to work in conservation. I want to tell her that and also say just how damn hard I have been pushing myself since I identified that as my main goal. I’m hoping she’ll have some useful advice and suggestions to help me but I seriously doubt it seeing as nobody ever seems to understand just what my degree is or anything about the field I want to work in. BUT, I do want to do a course or something to help with my confidence and assertiveness. I have done a couple but they didn’t really work and I feel like I need much more help with this. So that might be something she can sort out for me. I’m not going to say what my second appointment is because that would be epically embarrassing! On Wednesday I am seeing my care coordinator. My last appointment with her was epically annoying! But at least I got a poem out of it because the experience inspired me to write "Invalid Item" . I just feel like I’m constantly going round in circles at the moment. Also, she has a really weird view of Asperger’s Syndrome and I’m starting to find that annoying. She actually thinks people with autism don’t have an imagination and has actually said that to me. She thinks the reason I don’t like relaxation CDs is because I can’t follow instructions such as “imagine you’re lying near the sea. Hear the waves… ” blah, blah, blah. I wasn’t assertive enough to put her straight on this. But I found it more insulting than the time my employment advisor thought I wouldn’t understand a metaphor and the time my support worker expressed surprise at me having a sense of humour. I’m pretty sure my care coordinator knows I like reading and writing though, so how can I not have an imagination? I think she is epically stupid! I think the misunderstanding comes from the “triad of impairments” people on the spectrum have, those being social communication, social interaction and social imagination. I don’t think people always understand what “social imagination” is so they just hear/read “imagination” and then make the mistake of believing people on the spectrum have little or no imagination. Anyway, I should go to bed now as I have to get up early and if I don’t sleep soon, I will be epically tired. Thanks to anyone who has read this EPIC entry! |
Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC!  and I are going to Amsterdam on the 2nd of October! I haven’t been on holiday in well over ten years and I’ve never been abroad (). I’m nervous and excited at the same time. We’re staying for 3 nights in a 3-star hotel near Vondelpark and within walking distance of the Van Gogh museum so I’m sure we’ll be visiting both of those. We’re also hoping to go to the Anne Frank Museum and I’ve been told by the woman who runs the conservation group, who happens to be from The Netherlands, to take a canal tour in the evening as apparently it’s beautiful. Beyond that I’m not sure what else we’re doing but there’s plenty of time to plan it out! ARGH!I’ve been taking part in the review blitz over at the "The Poet's Place " and am having a lot of fun. So far I’ve done 5 reviews but seeing as they’re all well over 2000 characters I think that’s pretty good going. Since I have been giving out credits on the public review page I have come across so many spectacular reviews and have felt really inspired to kick the standard of my own up a notch. And I honestly think I have achieved this. I feel proud of the reviews I’ve been sending out recently. I’ve put so much time and effort into them, always trying to give the kind of review I’d like to receive. I experimented with templates for a bit, which was daunting as I’d never used a template before, but I’ve decided I’m better off without one. I find them too restrictive and am much more comfortable with my old style of just writing as things come to mind. And I don’t like writingML-heavy reviews. I find them far too distracting.So beyond booking my holiday and reviewing, I haven’t done much today. I've been on the computer way too much and my eyes, wrists and shoulders are hurting. I don't want to log off though! |
| Yesterday I had a major breakdown. But I’m not going to dwell on it. Today I’m back fighting. And when I fight, I FIGHT!!! I’ve pushed myself way too hard and am starting to pay for it now, but it was worth it. So I went along to the Conservation group this morning and made myself stay for the whole session. I earned about 20 million networking points by telling the leader of the group that I’m interested in working in conservation and asking her if she has any tips. She got all enthusiastic and came up with loads of stuff that I might be able to do. She said I can take a more active role in the group and may even be able to go on a leadership course so that I can run sessions. I talked a bit about how being ill and not working has damaged my confidence and she said I could work on building it back up and make a start on becoming more of a leader in the group by gathering everyone together for the break and organising the tea stuff etc each session. So I had a go at that today and I made a real effort to talk to people more, which was good but exhausting. I might also be able to do a first aid course and she asked if I’d be interested in helping to make posters for events etc, to which I said yes. She also asked if I would like to help manage the group’s facebook page as she doesn’t always have enough time to do it. So today I took some photos of volunteers and our various projects and I’ve posted them, but of course facebook is being uncooperative and not displaying them properly. That’s making me a bit anxious so I’m not going to dwell on it…Her biggest tip was to try and get a good voluntary position somewhere as many volunteers go on to get jobs from that and that’s how she got into the field. She said she doesn’t have the resources to take on a volunteer at the moment but may be moving her office to my town and then she might be able to offer me a voluntary position! That would be amazing because even if it didn’t lead on to a paid position with that particular organisation, it will still look great on my CV and I’ll get loads of experience. I’m not getting my hopes up… but I’ve got my fingers crossed! So yeah, I’ve gone from being suicidal yesterday to taking HUGE steps towards getting my life back on track today. I was feeling good about the positive things I’ve done but now my mood is dropping again and I sense a big crash coming. I just feel totally drained as I pushed myself to the limit both mentally and physically today. I can’t do more than that. I literally can't! I have totally run out of steam. Now I just need to chill out or maybe even sleep. I’m having trouble unwinding and I have a killer headache! But I’ll end on a positive… I logged on to find that the lovely Brenpoet  has awarded my poem, "Invalid Item" , a beautiful ribbon. Look!
Thank you so much! |
I am sooooooooo tired.  I’m so tired that a little while ago I mixed up “your” and “you’re” in a public blog comment and only noticed after I’d hit submit. My alarm was set for 7:50 this morning, but I woke up at 6 and couldn’t get back to sleep. That was annoying! So I just sat up in bed and read more of my book until 8 when I called the doctors’ surgery to try and get an appointment. Their online system has been switched off because they’re changing their computer programme or something, so to get an appointment people can either try and call at 8 (but it can take ages to get through, by which time all appointments are filled) or go over to the surgery and queue. People go over there at 7 to queue for appointments which are released at 8 so it’s all pretty crazy! Although I only live about 3 minutes a way, I couldn’t be bothered to get dressed, so I took my chances with the phone even though the constant busy tone is infuriating to hear! But I had my mobile in one hand and the landline in the other and just repeatedly hit redial on both until I got through on one. That’s the way to do it!  I had an assessment this morning with a woman who works with the eating disorder team. That was scary. It’s a big step to take… but admitting there is a problem is the first step on the road to recovery and I have at least partially admitted I have a problem. I’m getting there! She thinks there is enough evidence of eating problems to warrant a referral for a specialist assessment. Damn these people and their endless assessments! I’m kind of freaking out at the thought of what I’m letting myself in for. I’m just worried I’m backing myself into a corner. They’re going to want me to put on weight and I really don’t want to do that… even though she told me today my BMI is 16.9. Not good! Then I saw my doctor this afternoon and he has doubled the dose of my antidepressant. I have been taking 10mg of Amitriptyline for almost two months now and haven’t missed a single one. That’s so unlike me! But they have done wonders for my sleep, so I am very motivated to keep taking them. They haven’t helped with my mood though, but hopefully the higher dose will. I told the doctor the calcium supplements he prescribed me last month have gelatine in, so I can’t take them. He prescribed them to me in a different form and guess what? They also have gelatine in them! So annoying! I saw and chatted briefly with one of the guys from the environmental group when I was walking Jade just now as one of our walk routes goes past his house and he happened to be on his driveway. He sometimes comes along with his wife and they are so adorable! Honestly, they are two of the sweetest people I have ever met. I am determined to keep in contact with them. I need people like that in my life. I just get the sense that if I ever needed anything or asked anything of them, they’d go out of their way to help me. They’re just like that. I like to think I’m the same but nobody ever asks anything of me as I’m so damn (unintentionally) unapproachable! Oh well… I finished my book. I read 780 pages in about 4 days. It was fantastic. I was completely absorbed the whole way through and the ending didn’t disappoint, even though a lot of things were left open. I’m excited about starting the second one (which I got when I took “Wool” back to the supermarket yesterday and asked if I could exchange it… yeah, I can’t be bothered with “Wool”). But I’m going to pace myself and read something completely different first so I don’t get overwhelmed or jaded by it or anything. It is possible to have too much of a good thing! And the next one is even bigger! Plus I purchased book 3 (parts 1 and 2) and book 4 today… I need to stop buying books! Though I’m sure I’ll just have to buy the rest of the series soon...I’m going to shut up now because I strongly suspect I’m babbling. I do that when I’m exhausted. Plus I shudder to think of all the errors lurking in this entry thanks to my tiredness... so probably best to stop now. Yeah... JUST SHUT UP, JESS! |
| One of the worst things about my depression is that sometimes it affects my concentration so I can’t read. During those times I can usually manage poems and short stories, but not much else and it is torture. Since I was about 8 years old I have always had a novel on the go, instantly starting another as soon as I finished one. But for the past couple of years or so I have had long gaps where I feel I can’t open a book and I can’t even begin to describe how much that hurts my soul! Recently I fought through a period of intense depression and lack of concentration and forced myself to read “Saturday” by Ian McEwan. It is a short book and it took me much longer to read it than it should have done. I found it hard-going because of my concentration issues, but I persisted and I’m glad, as I thought it was excellent. I felt sad that I didn’t feel able to race through it as I would have done in the past, but I did find that reading became easier the more I kept it up, even though my depression wasn’t lifting at all. Anyway, when I’d finished it I had a few days break and then decided to have another go. This time I fancied fantasy. It isn’t my favourite genre but I do sometimes read it and I’m as crazy about Harry Potter as much as the next person! I did consider re-reading the Harry Potter series but I didn’t think that would be a good idea. Would I be able to concentrate on something that I’ve read so many times that I don’t even need to concentrate on it anymore?! I was going to read “Clan of the Cave Bear” by Jean M. Auel, which I suppose, is more historical and speculative, than fantasy but I just couldn’t be bothered to start it. Then I went to the supermarket and saw they were doing a deal on their books—3 for £10 and I couldn’t resist! So I got “Wool” by Hugh Howey. I’m not sure why—it’s slated as “the next Hunger Games” and I didn’t even like The Hunger Games that much! I also got “Rush of Blood” by Mark Billingham as the plot sounds so intriguing and “A Game of Thrones” by George R. R. Martin, which I thought would be a good one to get in to. I thought if I liked it, there are plenty other books in the series and also the TV show, which I’ve heard nothing but good things about. So I started A Game of Thrones on Thursday, against my better judgement, and struggled through ten pages. I didn’t think I’d be able to keep it up—there was just way too much to take in and seemingly too many characters for my fragile concentration to cope with. But I was intrigued, so I tried again on Friday… and now I’m totally hooked. Since then I have read almost 500 pages! It is AMAZING! It’s so dark and gritty. There are so many twists and turns—I can hardly bear to put it down. I gave myself a headache from reading too much yesterday! It feels so wonderful to be so thoroughly back into my reading. I could cry!Gonna log off now so I can read some more!  |
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