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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| Today I went to the Christmas meal for my horse-y volunteer job and it was a nice experience. I wasn't overly sociable but still enjoyed the company and talked when people directly engaged me. I didn't feel up to joining in with other people's conversations really and only managed to do that once or twice. I do struggle in big groups but I think I did okay. I got some interview tips! One person suggested if I get an interview for the traineeship to pretend to be an actress for a day and act the role of an outgoing person. I don't know if I'll be able to do it but it's certainly worth a try! I can't seem to stop myself from mentally preparing answers to interview questions at the moment and I really must because I am in no way guaranteed an interview and it will be all the more devastating if I actually don't end up getting one. And for now I have to stop imagining myself in the role too. I seriously feel like I haven't just pinned all my hopes on this job, but my life too. Stupid, I know, but I've had so many interviews and this opportunity just feels perfect. I can't help thinking that it's my last chance to get my life sorted out. Scary. But seriously, it's my turn! I've had way more than my fair share of crap and I honestly think I deserve a break now. I need this. But that's enough of that! Eating out is a bit of an ordeal for me at the moment and I felt anxious not knowing the calorie content of my meal but I tried not to panic. The portion was HUGE and I only managed about half of it, but it was very nice. And it was reasonably priced too. (We'll have to go there some time, Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC!  !)Jade and I got very cold on our walk but it was nice to get some fresh air and exercise and I think she had a good time. The cold weather and short days have both really negatively impacted on my energy and I am just exhausted at the moment. Plus my sleep is really bad. I'd sell my soul for some sleeping tablets!  Tomorrow I have nothing on and no obligations (apart from walking Jade) so I plan to take things easy. Then Thursday I have the conservation group and I'm determined to stay the whole session again. I'm fighting my decreased energy levels all the way! Right now I'm feeling anxious and I just can't figure out why. But my heart feels fluttery and my chest is tight. Grrrr. Think I'll go and read. I'm 140 pages into the first volume of A Dance with Dragons (the fifth book in "A Song of Ice and Fire"). I am still absolutely loving the series but wondering how I'm going to cope when I've read all the available books.  I hope it won't be long before the sixth one is released! |
My appointment with the dietician did not go well. When she said we would be coming up with a meal plan I thought she meant we would work together to come up with a plan tailored to me, taking into account my dietary requirements, food preferences, height etc. But no. I was just given a generic "basic meal plan" which suggests eating at least 6 large slices of bread a day (or equivalent starchy food).  That's soooooooo not going to happen!I'm in complete disbelief to be honest. And upset. Do they really expect me to be able to go from years of not eating properly -- from only having one proper meal a day -- to having three huge meals a day, plus snacks, when I have had no psychological support to help me deal with my intense fear of weight gain and ridiculously negative body image? Is this how eating disorder treatment goes? If so, how the hell does anyone get better? Because there is no way I can even think about following this meal plan. I am just completely freaking out about it. So I'm supposed to be trying it and I'll be seeing the dietician again in January to review how I'm getting on. Think I'll be cancelling that appointment! Urgh. I feel so frustrated and anxious. I wish I could see my doctor but he's off sick.   I want to get to where I can eat without feeling absolutely horrified about it but I have no idea how to help myself. I've just been abandoned with a ridiculously big meal plan and am expected to be able to follow it... just like that! It's so absurd I could laugh... or cry! Please excuse me while I do both:  |
| Wow, I haven't blogged in 15 days! I just haven't felt like it really, plus Mark has been visiting so I haven't had a lot of time. He went home today. The hospital procedure I had went okay in that I didn't die, lol! But it was traumatic and the outcome was incredibly frustrating. I won't go into detail! I was terrified to get a general anaesthetic even though I've had one before. I was convinced I was going to die and I was shaking pretty bad just before I went to sleep! I felt so weird when I woke up -- my skin was itching like crazy and when people spoke to me I could only mouth answers at them for a while but it didn't take me long to get my voice back! I recovered from the anaesthetic much quicker than I did the first time I had one. Mark was wonderful and I'm so glad he was with me.  Mark's birthday was on Friday and I was excited to give him my gifts, including a mug personalised with his name and photos from our Amsterdam trip. I think he liked his presents! We visited a nature reserve that I have just applied to work at. I was advised to visit the site before applying and I'm so glad I did because it is stunning and inspired me to make my application even better. I am so, so excited about the job now. It's actually a conservation traineeship and getting it will really help me to get my life back on track and point me in the right direction of my dream job. Plus the site is actually incredible. I mean, who wouldn't want to work here?   Can you imagine going there every day? It wouldn't feel like work! So I spent Friday evening and Saturday finishing off my application and I put everything I could into it. I'll be devastated, not to mention incredibly confused, if I don't get an interview. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I want it so badly! Although it's full time and about 40 minutes away, it doesn't start until March so I have some time to get as healthy as possible for it. It lasts for a year and I've applied for three placements out of ten (two of them are at the site in the photo above). If I get the one I want most, my main duty will be assisting with their environmental education programme and also helping with the practical management of the reserve. Things have been quite busy for me on WDC. I was invited to take part in the "Invalid Item" and I have completed my first poem for it. I had to write a Quatern in the history genre and use at least one metaphor. I found it tough but this is what I came up with:
It is by no means my best work but I don't think it is too terrible. I'm just glad I came up with something! I also got my first customer for "Invalid Item" , so that was pretty exciting! I added the text to five of the member's images and she was pretty happy with the results. It was a lot of fun but I was so, so nervous!Tomorrow I'm seeing the dietician, so I'm not looking forward to that. On Tuesday I'm going to the Christmas meal for one of my voluntary jobs and I can't say I'm looking forward to that either! But I'm sure it will be fine. And I think that's everything that has been going on with me! I apologise if I have been neglecting people -- I've been kind of busy! But I should have a bit more time for WDC now.  |
| I've had such a horrendous day! I realised earlier that I have missed the deadline for applying for the internship I really wanted. I think the email I had with all the information about it had the wrong date. Or I just got confused because I've been applying for several jobs, plus I'm hugely stressed at the moment. Didn't blog about this but I have an upcoming hospital appointment for a procedure that will probably need to be done under general anaesthetic. Really not looking forward to that and have been going increasingly insane as it draws nearer. But enough said about that, except to say that it's on Wednesday next week. My application for the university library job I applied for was rejected yesterday. I'm not used to getting rejected at application stage. It hurts and I'm not handling it so well. So realising I've missed the deadline for the internship has hit me really hard and I've had a huge meltdown tonight. I went out and bought some over-the-counter sleep aids because I can't cope being awake anymore. I took one a while ago and think it is kicking in now. I feel a bit woozy and I'm not entirely sure I'm typing actual words. Guess I'll find out tomorrow! I just changed my cover picture on facebook to a photo of a beautiful full rainbow that arced over my street the other week and I changed my profile picture to one of me pulling a moody face. I like the juxtaposition of the happy rainbow and the moody expression, lol! Plus I feel so moody at the moment and I can't say why on facebook so will express my moodiness through my profile photo instead! Anyway, here's the rainbow:  There were actually two rainbows that day but I couldn't get both in the shot. It was such an incredible sight though -- I've never seen anything like it. That was the first time I'd ever seen a full rainbow. Right, I'd better go to bed. I really hope this blog entry makes sense! I'm not too sure right now. And because I've blogged about rainbows, I'm going to end this entry with my rainbow poem, which also matches my mood right now. I consider this one of my best.
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I have two new poems. As I'm a walking cliché now, here is my obligatory eating disorder poem:
When I say "Please do not read if easily offended", I mean: "Please do not read if hypersensitive, narrow-minded and/or prone to self-righteousness". I just feel it's politer to put it the other way in the brief description. This poem is nowhere near as taboo as my first and only other eating disorder poem called "Sexy Bones". That one needs a lot of work though so I will not be sharing it any time soon, if ever. Yeah, I like bones. Sue me! I'm also in a major mood tonight so sorry if I'm being a bitch. Here's my other poem:
I am soooooooooo happy with this one. I'll probably be writing a lot of Haiku for a while because I'm feeling all inspired having just joined The British Haiku Society. This poem is about something I witnessed and the title perfectly describes my reaction to it. I don't think Haiku are really supposed to have titles but whatever! I'd really appreciate any feedback. I'll happily return a review if anyone likes and/or comments on this blog entry and then reviews one of these poems. I'll love you forever if you review both!  |
| [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Isn't this just one of the best songs EVER? Those lyrics! Especially: Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me I'll follow you down til' the sound of my voice will haunt you You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you Wish I'd written that. And the emotion in Stevie Nicks' voice, especially near the end of the song! It's so raw and powerful. I believe every word she sings. Why am I blogging about this song? Well, it has been in my head for days. I didn't mind at first because I love it but now I feel a bit worn down by it as it's so emotionally intense. I don't know why I'm sooooooo prone to getting songs stuck in my head. It is absolutely maddening! I spent a very cold morning with the conservation group harvesting apples and weeding allotment plots. The only way I could get myself to go was by telling myself I could leave after an hour. But I stayed the whole session! I almost enjoyed it today. Haha! I know I've said this so many times, but the people -- I love them! They are just awesome, honestly. And I was positively chatty today. I surprised myself. And I made people laugh and I got involved and I asked questions. I STARTED CONVERSATIONS with people... that other people then came over to join in with. Screw you Asperger, and your syndrome! Damn, those people don't know what they're doing for me and my confidence. I should tell them one day. I'm just so touched by how nice they are and how they've accepted me despite my shyness and awkwardness. I could cry! I walked Jade when I got home but had to cut it short because she started limping. I checked her paws in case she'd got a thorn or a stone caught but couldn't see anything. It's probably her joints. She's resting now but I might try another short walk in a little while and see how she goes. I think maybe we were just walking too fast because of the cold and it aggravated her sore joints or she pulled a muscle or something. Hopefully she'll be okay. She causes me so much worry! Now I'm feeling at a bit of a loss for something to do and I am extremely tempted to nap because I feel pretty drained. But I should probably stay up as I have to get up early tomorrow for a blood test. I'm also getting my hair cut which is always an ordeal for me so I'd prefer to be well rested so I can face it. I'm such a weirdo! |
| I'm sure everyone has a bad hair day now and then (those with hair, obviously ) and most of the time people probably have normal hair days, but do you ever get a good hair day? I do sometimes and today has been one of those days. Honestly, my hair looks amazing right now! Truth be told it is a little over-long because I am about two weeks overdue a trim but still, that's working in my favour at the moment. As I have curly hair, when it gets long, the weight of it pulls the curls out a bit so they become more like waves, which looks much nicer in my opinion. But I can't cope with this length hair for long as it starts to get on my nerves when I wear it loose, so I will be getting it cut on Friday. But today I am enjoying how awesome it looks! My appointment with the dietician yesterday was fine and she didn't even want to weigh me but said we'll do it next time instead. So I got worked up over nothing. My next appointment is in three weeks so at least when I get worked up again in three weeks time there'll be a reason for it! In yesterday's session we talked about what the body needs fat for and went over again why being underweight is bad, bad, bad. In the next appointment we will be coming up with a meal plan and she also said we'll discuss Christmas as a lot of people with eating problems get very stressed and anxious about the obligatory overeating associated with the holiday period. After that I will have two more sessions with her to see how I'm getting on with the meal plan. She did warn me that putting on weight may be unavoidable if I stick to it. Don't know if I will stick to it! Today I attended a very boring interview skills course at the job centre, instead of my voluntary job. It was run by a lovely lady I've met before when I asked the National Careers Service for interview advice. She said we'd basically be going over the same stuff. And we did. It was dull. Then we had to split into smaller groups and interview each other. I got stuck with weird, creepy guy. Why do I always get stuck with weird, creepy guy? He had very poor English and was impressed with the way I talk so asked if I could give him pronunciation lessons. He said he'd pay me. I turned him down. For a start, I'm not an English Language teacher! Plus, he really was creepy and weird as hell and there was no way I was going to agree to meet up with him elsewhere. He spent the whole group session either chewing his nails or chewing on a pen (that he'd borrowed from the lady running the course) and then when it was time to leave, he just dropped the pen on the floor. The end of it was all chewed up. Ew!  It was so disgusting. And I can't tolerate the sound of someone biting their nails (or anything really) and if I'd had to spend much longer listening to him do it I seriously would have flipped and probably punched him in the face or something.This afternoon I saw my GP. I haven't seen him in a while because I felt embarrassed about how much I was leaning on him for support (seeing as the mental health service are doing such a poor job of supporting me). I got all paranoid and thought he was probably finding me annoying. But today he was really chatty and didn't seem to want me to leave! I've finally been prescribed a calcium supplement that I can actually take -- one that is suitable for vegetarians -- so watch out bones, you're gonna get strong! He also rechecked the lumps in my neck and still thinks I have nothing to worry about there. He is shocked that the eating disorder service hasn't offered me any form of therapy and has said he will arrange some after my dietetic appointments have ended if they haven't offered me anything by then. At least my doctor is on the ball! I'm still baffled that the eating disorder service think that meeting with a dietician for a few weeks is totally going to change the way I see food and feel about my body.But I have started working on my body image issues with the therapist I arranged to see outside the mental health and eating disorder services. I still love her! But more importantly, I can still talk to her. I seriously don't know what has come over me! Since when can I talk?! I don't know how much she'll be able to help with the eating problem (I still don't want to call it an "eating disorder", though that's what it is ) seeing as she doesn't specialise in that area, but still, at least she's trying. She gave me homework this week. I have to put on a nice outfit and look in the mirror and focus purely on the clothes, for example how well they match and how nice the colours are etc. I'm not supposed to focus on my body at all at this stage. I'm going to feel a bit of an idiot doing it but I will do it. I can see the sense in starting off this way as I'm not in a place right now where I can be positive about my body at all. I have some awesome clothes though!So that has been my week so far. Is it really only Tuesday? I feel like I have been through a lot this week already. I'm ready for the weekend now! Hope anyone reading this has a great week! |
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Unfortunately I am having a major freak out right now about my weight/size. I looked in the mirror and saw ENORMOUS JESS and felt utterly horrified. And it won't go away. Took me a while to realise what's triggered it but of course, I'm seeing the dietician tomorrow. I'll be getting weighed. I know I don't have to get weighed and they wouldn't even try to persuade me if I told them how much stress and anxiety this is causing me, but part of me kind of wants to get weighed... because their scales are probably more accurate than mine... so yeah... But I feel mortified that someone else will be there to witness the number on the scale. And I realise how completely shallow I sound and how offensive this must be to some people and I can only apologise and say I'm ill, My mind is malfunctioning. I do not think overweight people look horrible. I do not judge anyone other than myself by their size. If it's any consolation I feel like a terrible, vain, shallow person. I want to just drop dead, to be honest. Because I seriously can't cope with this anymore. I wish someone could help me. I wish I could help myself. I wish this wasn't happening. IwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwishIwish I wish I wasn't losing my mind! |
| Everyone should have a daily dose of fun. Here was mine today. It's very funny! For some reason I can't embed the video, but here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIwrgAnx6Q8 Let me know what you think if you watch it! I kind of feel like I'm talking to myself these days. I think my new medication, which I have been taking for about a week now, may be having a very similar effect on me that Venlafaxine had, i.e. I'm getting memory problems. Normally if I think of something that I need to remember and then have to do something else or get distracted before I can fully concentrate on it, I can put it aside, as if I'm pinning to a noticeboard in my head, and then come back to it very easily once the distraction is over. A couple of times recently I haven't been able to do this and it is very noticeable because I have always been able to do this with ease. So it makes me feel panicky. And my thoughts feel a little slowed down too, which also makes me feel panicky because I love how quick my mind normally is and I can't cope with sluggish thoughts. My concentration is normally bad because my thoughts are so quick and crowded but now my concentration is bad because my thoughts are slowed down and difficult to access. Part of me thinks I should stick it out for a little longer as they say side effects do go away, but then again, this is my mind! I don't want to mess with my memories and the way my thoughts work. What if I'm doing irreparable damage?I just feel so depressed about this. One thing I've decided, if I do stop this medication, I am not letting any of the mental health professionals know. I'm done with it. They already think I'm non-compliant with medication so I'm not going to do anything to make that belief become even more entrenched in their minds. If they ask, "are you taking your medication?" I'm going to smile oh-so-sweetly and say, "why yes, of course!" And I realise if I do this I am only harming myself really but they have driven me to it. Because they have reacted so negatively to me not wanting to take medications that knock me out for 18 hours straight or tablets that stop me having normal trains of thought, I now feel I can't be honest with them. And I know they would be so frustrated if I stopped taking this one and think I was being difficult but I'm willing to bet none of them would keep taking a medication that made them feel muddled and panicky. I want to get better, of course, but I would pick being depressed over forgetful and stupid any day. I am not willing to give up my quick thoughts and excellent memory. I'm just not. Is that unreasonable? Should I make that sacrifice to get better? I don't think so. I can't. |
SarcasmAlertSarcasmAlertSarcasmAlertSarcasmAlertSarcasmAlertSarcasmAlert WONDERFUL! SarcasmAlertSarcasmAlertSarcasmAlertSarcasmAlertSarcasmAlertSarcasmAlert That is all. |
Tonight is Guy Fawkes Night (also know as bonfire night and fireworks night) in the UK and I usually hate it because my dog gets scared of all the fireworks. But here’s a picture of my blissfully unaware, sleeping Jadey Yep, the one good thing about her getting old is that she is now too deaf to hear fireworks. Bless. So for once she isn’t quivering with fear in my arms. I’m soooo glad! I had to absolutely force myself to go to my voluntary job earlier seeing as the last two sessions have been so awful but I'm glad I did because it was much better. I managed to make L----- laugh a lot. We were standing by the door of the school with C---- when the children came in and went over to the far corner where they usually wait before mounting. C---- said she'd better go over so they wouldn't think that she's unfriendly and I said to L-----, "I'm going to stay over here because I am unfriendly!" I was only half-joking! L----- knows that I have Asperger Syndrome and she laughed so much at my comment! I was side-walking today but happy to do it for once because I'm tired of leading Murphy, who is the stubbornest horse I've ever met. So I was beside Saffy and her rider today. Saffy is fairly new so I don't know her very well but I've fallen in love with her. She's such a character! So intelligent and mischievous and interested in absolutely everything. I don't think I would be able to cope with leading her though as she's quite a handful. Earlier this evening I listened to U2's album The Unforgettable Fire. This is one of my absolute favourite U2 albums but I don't listen to it often as I associate it with my brother's death. I listened to it over and over again in the months after he died and it helped me to cope somewhat. So it's very special to me but it can be hard to listen to it too. It's such an awesome album though. Has Bono ever sounded better than on the song "A Sort of Homecoming"? I think that's my favourite U2 song ever. Tomorrow I'm seeing my care worker and possibly helping my local conservation group out for an hour in the morning, if I can be bothered. But the sudden change in the weather has had such an impact on my energy and I can't seem to get through the day without taking a nap at the moment, which is highly annoying, so I don't know if I will bother. I've applied for two library jobs and I'm still working on my application for the conservation internship. What I really, really want to happen is that I get both the internship and the four hour per week paid library position. That would be amazing and really make me feel like I'm getting my life back on track. So please, please keep your fingers crossed for me. I think I may be announcing the winners for "Invalid Item" tonight so that's exciting. I can't wait to get it all wrapped up! |
So... I have finished my contest reviews. There are 63 entries and I've already reviewed 3 of them previously. I had 60 to review. So what do I decide to do? I decide to do 60 in-depth reviews!  I am an idiot! I feel like I've almost killed myself doing it. I've certainly killed my hands and wrists from all that typing! It was a ridiculously huge amount of work and I can't believe I did it. But it was completely worth it because I've had so many wonderful and positive responses to my reviews, with a couple of people even saying my review was the best review they'd ever received. Go me! I feel like I have achieved something. I have also chosen my top 10 and one of the other judges has also finished her reviews and compiled her top 10 list. So when the other judges get back to me with their top 10, I can start figuring out who to award prizes to. Exciting stuff! I can hardly wait! One not so good thing though, I've had to disqualify an absurd amount of entries because the writer failed to take note of the rule that asks them not to edit after submission. I just can't believe how many people have missed out because they didn't follow the rules. I feel like I'm struggling at the moment. My mental health is really not good and my appointments with the dietician are making my problems around food and body image even worse. Yeah, I now feel suicidal every time I eat. It is totally exhausting, to be honest and I'm sick of it. My physical health isn't great either. One of my upper wisdom teeth is causing me major grief, so that's not fun. Also, I've had an almost constant headache since I stopped taking Amitriptyline over a month ago and that is really starting to ruin my life. That might sound overly dramatic, but it's true. Plus my eyes are playing up again. And my sleep pattern is totally messed up again. I'm so depressed about that because I'd managed to get it under some kind of control for several weeks and now I'm back at square one.Sorry to moan. Here's something good. I'm applying for another job, well possibly another 3. But the one I want is actually an unpaid internship/traineeship type thing. But that is pretty much the only way to get a foot in the door for this particular field. You will not get a job if you haven't done a shitload of unpaid work first, unless you are the luckiest, cheekiest person alive! They want someone who can commit for 6-12 months and it's only part-time. So this is my new plan: I'm going to apply for this job, get an interview, ace the interview, get the job, commit to 12 months, do it for a while and build up my confidence, energy etc, then get a part-time paid job that I can do alongside it so I will, in effect, be working full-time (just with two different jobs), finish the 12 months, find and apply for my dream job, get dream job, get life sorted and totally back on track. But I'll also probably apply for two other part-time jobs I've found as back-up and then look out for other suitable part-time internships. But plan A is going to work. It has to! It's my turn. Also, today, I've started thinking that I might like to go back to college and do my chemistry A level. I did chemistry at AS level at school but then dropped it in my second year, totally destroying my chance of becoming a vet. I still don't know if I want to be a vet but I kind of want the chemistry A level just in case I do decide to go to vet school down the line. I might still be able to get into vet school with my degree, but the chemistry A level would make that so much easier. The thing is, I hated chemistry at school! But I think that was thanks to the teachers I had. Plus, I'd become so apathetic towards school at that point. Anyway, I've ordered a chemistry book so I can start studying it again and refresh my skills and will then decide if I want to take it further. Am I crazy? After reading back over this entry, I think the answer is a resounding: yes! |
| So... I'm in a pretty chipper mood today! I wasn't this morning, but I forced myself to go to the conservation group and I'm so glad I did because it was pretty good. The work was as boring as anything but the company was great. I love the people there. They are all just lovely, lovely people and I enjoy spending time with them. I ended up staying for the full session because the work wasn't horrible and I wanted to keep spending time with nice people who were chatting to me and making me laugh. I love that they include me and don't care that I'm a little weird. There's two guys there who both have such a wicked sense of humour. One of them is like the king of banter! Now, I have a pretty wicked sense of humour myself and also a very quick wit, but I often feel shy unleashing it on people I don't know. And I am crap at bantering unfortunately. But I feel like I want to get better at it so I can banter with this guy! And I want to get more comfortable being the real me around everyone and the real me isn't just intense and serious and shy, but funny and kind of smart too. I wish I could show that side of myself to people I'm getting to know, and not just those I know well. I'm also in a good mood because I'm writing, writing, writing! I have gotten over a pretty serious episode of writer's block and have written 6 and a bit poems in two weeks. I can't believe it! Here's one I wrote yesterday evening:
I'm pretty happy with this one. Then as I was trying to sleep, I started writing another one in my head. I couldn't sleep because I kept having to switch the light on to write down lines as they came to me. But I don't care. I can cope with insomnia if it's caused by a need to write. So... I ended up with this...
It makes me laugh anyway, so I suppose that's the main thing! I know I won't be able to keep this up with my writing but I plan to make the most of it while I can and get as much out of it as I can. I won't feel so panicky when it eases off again because I know it will come back. I know I go through phases like this. I just need to remind myself of that when I'm feeling crap and worrying I've lost the ability to write. I just have to be patient and not try and force it. I'm so happy to be writing! I could cry! Happy tears though! |
| Why does my life always have to feel like a damn struggle?! And how come I do all the right things and STILL feel like crap. It's not fair. My appointment with the dietician was awful yesterday and made me want to kill myself. See, I knew she would want to check my weight and I thought I would be okay with that as long as I could ensure that I weighed either the same or less than I weighed at my assessment. So I restricted like crazy for a week and thought that would be enough but I weighed MORE! I was 40.7kg at my assessment and yesterday I was 40.85kg. Hardly a big deal and yet I felt distraught! I'm so screwed up. I don't know when or why this got so bad. I couldn't really focus on the appointment after that and so I don't know what we discussed. Food, probably! And then later that evening I just thought, fuck it, and went out to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend and even had dessert and then got suicidal all over again because of that. Fun times! But my counselling appointment yesterday evening went great. I still absolutely love my counsellor. I talked a lot about the stuff I went through as teenager that triggered and contributed to my depression. I cried I a little bit when I spoke about how I feel my school let me down. This is a big deal because I HATE to cry in front of people and will usually avoid it at all costs. But the fact that I was comfortable enough to talk about something I knew was going to make me cry is amazing. This woman has magical powers! I have two new poems! They've been in my port for a few days but I only made them public earlier. (Sometimes when I write the word "public", I worry I've put "pubic".  ) But that was random! Let me get back on track... here are my new poems. Any feedback is welcome.
 This one is hardly my best work but it was fun to write. And this one...
I love the first stanza but I'm not sure about the rest. Now I really need to stop typing. I've been reviewing like mad for my contest and that has aggravated my tendinitis. I probably shouldn't have blogged. Oh well... |
| So 6 years ago today I stumbled upon WDC, chose the username ghostranch (bonus points for anyone who knows where that came from!) and opened my account! And I've been grateful every day since that I found this place. That isn't even an exaggeration! Thanks Writing.Com for 6 amazing years! I didn't post my first item ("Flowers" ) until over a week later though because I was so scared and shy and it was probably even longer than that before I plucked up the courage to send someone a review. For ages I only felt able to send private reviews!I can't believe how much my confidence has grown in those 6 years and how many wonderful people I have met. I can't believe I'm a moderator! I can't believe I run my own contest! I can't believe I'm about to become a paid, published writer! This community has given me so much. |
| So I finally managed to meet with my care worker! We walked around one of the local parks and I have developed some respect for her because I love the way she interacted with my dog and Jade was really responsive to her too. Jade was indifferent towards my previous support worker, so obviously she is a good judge of character! We didn't talk much really, though I told her a bit about why I'm finding my voluntary work so difficult at the moment. I also told her that I'm not going to apply for any more full time jobs and she agreed with me that that's probably a sensible idea. She seems to think that once I've got my eating sorted out everything else will follow but I don't share her view on this. Oh well... We're going to meet up for another walk in two weeks time. I think she thinks it's better to meet out and about than meet in some horrible office room. I agree! I wrote another new poem this morning before I left for my appointment but I don't know if I'll be putting this one online. I can't believe I've written three poems in a week! It almost feels like the old days...This evening I went shopping with my sister. I bought a magazine. I also had to get a snack and drink while we were out because I suddenly became faint with hunger. That wasn't good! It was nice to spend time with my sister though and we had a good laugh.Now I have the house to myself (well, apart from Jade). I think I'm going to read my magazine and then I might watch a film. I'm not actually feeling too well. I think one of my wisdom teeth is infected again. The upper ones seem to be taking it in turns to get infected recently. It's not fair -- having already had one wisdom tooth out, plus that horrible sulcoplasty procedure earlier this year, I think my mouth has suffered enough!But I don't want to end on a bad note. So here's something good: I signed and posted the agreement for the magazine to publish my poem. So yay! |
| I've had such a mixed week! On Tuesday I found out I didn't get that job. After the total devastation and intense suicidal feelings had subsided I actually felt relieved that I didn't get it. Yeah, I'm not healthy enough for a full time job plus 45 minute each way commute. I feel completely depressed that that's the case but at least now I don't have to attempt it and fail. And I'm pretty sure I would have failed. I don't think I'm going to apply for any more full time jobs -- I couldn't handle that right now. I need to build up to it. Now I need to hold on to the fact that I got an interview even though 189 people applied for the job. My voluntary work on Tuesday went really crappy again and I'm so glad it's half-term next week because I couldn't face going back so soon. It is going to take an awful lot to force myself to go back in two weeks. I wish I didn't hate both my voluntary jobs. Wednesday was equally as awful because I was supposed to be meeting with my care worker and she didn't turn up! What makes this worse is that she did the EXACT SAME THING last week. The receptionist there was fuming that she had to ring around trying to track her down again. I was furious as well, especially as I'd only had 3 hours of sleep and had made myself get up to attend the appointment. In the end she called me and apologised and we arranged to meet today instead at one of the local parks. So today... I went to the conservation group for just over an hour and had a really tough time there because the work was physically demanding and boring as watching a snail race. I left early because of that and also because I was supposed to be meeting my care worker... I drove to the park with Jade and was my care worker there? Nope! I waited half an hour, wandered round a bit and called into her office 3 times (as I don't have a direct number for her) but couldn't track her down so gave up and came home. I was so stressed! And Jade was pretty fed-up too -- she doesn't like waiting around! Anyway, she called me later on and I think I may have misunderstood our meeting place and she had an incorrect phone number for me so it wasn't that she hadn't shown up again. Never mind. Now we're meeting tomorrow instead and I'm going to her office to ensure there are no misunderstandings or anything like that. Hopefully! So that's all the crap stuff. Now the good stuff! Well, I have another new poem:
I like it! It makes me laugh! Hopefully others will like and laugh at it too. Also, in case you missed my last entry: I found out this morning that I'M GETTING PUBLISHED! And paid too! I don't know when yet as I have to sign an agreement and send it back but it's all very exciting and I can't wait to see my poem in a magazine. And I also received an awardicon today for an item that doesn't get an awful lot of feedback. Look:
So that's great and I really appreciate it. Also, I'm making great headway with my contest reviews. I've reviewed over 30 now. We've had a good number of entries again but there's time for more! 
I'm having major trouble concentrating tonight though so am struggling with reviewing. I can't seem to read much either. I finished A Storm of Swords last night. I have loved every book in the series so far and would rate them all 5 stars, but the first one, A Game of Thrones, and part 2 of a Storm of Swords are both my absolute favourites. Damn those twists and turns and shocks! I've never gasped out loud so much at a book! Poor Jade thinks I'm going mad! Now I'm rereading Cannery Row by John Steinbeck... or I would be if I could focus on it... and I might do the sequel too before tackling A Feast for Crows. Grrrr... I'm exhausted. I'm so glad it's Friday tomorrow! |
| I submitted three poems to a well-respected, high-circulation magazine and they want to publish one of them! I am in shock, especially as they chose the poem I feel is the weakest out of the three. I almost left it out. Thank goodness I didn't! And they're going to pay me £15. I have been published before but this is the first time I have earned money from my writing. I'm so excited! Yaaaaaaaaaaay! |
Today is Jade's 13th birthday! And she has been a member of our family since she was 5 weeks old. Can't believe we've had her so long! I feel so lucky to have such an awesome dog. |
| Oh my god! I'm reading A Storm of Swords part II: Blood and Gold by George R.R. Martin and have been left shocked by the last few chapters I read. I can't believe it! I love how the series just keeps twisting and turning. I'm so glad I got into it. I realised earlier today that I haven't read a newspaper or watched any news for weeks now, probably two months or so. I can't remember any specific reason for no longer wanting to keep up with the goings on of the world but I think I probably just finally became jaded by all the crap. It's quite disturbing when you no longer feel shocked by horrific events. Also, I think I'm just so worn down by my own life that I no longer have it in me to care about anything else. But I've probably read the paper almost every day since I was about 15, so it's a bit weird to think I don't really have any idea of what has been happening, beyond the snippets I've caught when my mum has had the TV on or stuff I've seen on the web as I've been browsing. I don't know if I'll start showing an interest again...I wrote a new poem this evening, my first since August, I think. I was actually working on another poem, but it just wouldn't come out. So I took a break and then this one came to me fairly easily. At the moment I'm pretty happy with it:
I'd like to return to my other one. I feel like I really need to get it out! I hate it when a poem gets stuck! I have so many half-written pieces in various notebooks. It's so annoying to get a good idea and then not be able to do it justice. Makes me feel like such a terrible writer. It's coming up to 1:30am, so I really should have called this blog entry "An early morning ramble". I should probably go to bed but I don't really want to. I'm in a bit of funny mood -- I feel kind of unsettled and I'm not sure why. I might try and work on a couple of contest reviews... |
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