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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| On Wednesday I was in my room, on the phone talking to Mark when my sister knocked and said there was a hedgehog in the garden and that she thought it was limping. We went out to get a better look at it and it had kind of collapsed partially on its side in a bush, and its breathing was pretty laboured. I found a number for a wildlife hospital I know of and they advised me to put it in a box and keep it warm. Unfortunately they were too far away to come and get it or for us to take it to them. I googled wildlife hospitals and found one in my town that I did know about, but had just forgotten. Though when I called, the lady I spoke to said it had shut down but she could perhaps give me advice. She told me to do the same things the first lady said and then told me to take it to a vet. I tried calling the vet surgery we take Jade to a few times, but the line was busy, so instead I called the surgery where I had an interview recently. They said to bring it in and advised me how to pick it up. It’s lucky I have some thick garden-work gloves that I use when I’m helping out the conservation group! We also have an old pet-carrier from when we had cats, so I lined that with newspaper, put my gloves on and tried as gently as I could to pick it up. I was so scared of hurting it. The poor thing was terrified and immediately rolled into a ball in my hands and stayed that way when I placed it in the carrier. During all of this, Jade was very put out! She couldn’t understand why we wouldn’t let her out in the garden with us or why we wouldn’t let her see what was in the box! As self-appointed “pack supervisor” she was pretty peeved that we didn’t consult her at all!  My sister sat in the back of the car with the hedgehog while I drove as quickly and as safely as possible through rush hour traffic. It was quite a trek and we were worried it wouldn’t survive the journey. But it did and when we got there we handed it over to a nurse who took it through to the back. She brought our box back and told us that it had clearly been attacked by something and that it was very thin. She said the vet would look at it and decide what to do but that it might be put to sleep. Anyway, I don’t know if we did the right thing. Did we have a right to interfere? I’m not sure. I called today and they said it had been put down. The poor thing had a broken leg which had become badly infected. The woman on the phone said we’d done it a favour as it would have died in agony. But still I’m not sure. Did I have a right to take its natural death away from it, as painful as that would have been? Was it right to put it through stress and fear to get it to the vet so it could die less painfully? I hope so. I couldn’t have left it in the garden anyway, or Jade would have got at it. At least we gave it a chance. We did it out of kindness, even if it was misguided. Maybe there was a reason it ended up in our garden. I felt I had to do something. We had another animal adventure yesterday. My sister and I were sitting in the living room with the back door open when the most enormous—and I mean ENORMOUS—dragonfly I have ever seen darted inside. It was panicking like crazy and flew wildly about, bouncing off the window and hitting the ceiling. It flew into one of the upturned lampshades we have on the ceiling light fitting and there was this horrendous sizzling noise as it repeatedly hit the bulb. Unfortunately many insects have met their end in this manner, so I rushed to turn the lights off. I didn’t want it die but I couldn’t bear the thought of touching it either (it was so damn freaky looking!) so I just kind of watched the light, hoping it would fly back out. It suddenly burst out of the lampshade, hit the ceiling again and flew straight back out the door. Phew! That was all pretty traumatic though. My sister had been shrieking and squealing and I realised I’d been saying, “No! No! No!” This may seem a bit of an overreaction but you weren’t there! It was an ordeal! I wish I’d managed to get a better look at it so I could figure out exactly what it was. It didn’t stay still long enough though. Now I’m kind of on edge wondering what animal drama I’m going to have to deal with today! Hopefully none! In writing news, I haven't submitted anything yet but am taking my time and researching publications etc. I wrote a new poem on Wednesday, which I am pretty happy with and I have a short story that I hope to make public soon. Here's the poem:
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| I watched The Sound of Music tonight. I hadn't seen it in a while so I forgot how much I love it! It was one of my favourite films as a child. Isn’t it just one of the greatest movies ever made?! It’s so enduring. There were a couple of small details that really stuck out to me as a child. Firstly, I loved all the clothes, but particularly Liesl’s, and especially the dress she wears when singing and dancing with Rolfe in the gazebo. I used to love the way it swished about as she leapt from bench to bench, and how it fanned out all around her when she twirled. I thought she was so stunningly beautiful and she was the epitome of elegance to me back then. I wanted to be her, lol! The second thing was the sound of footsteps in the abbey in those final scenes. I love the noise of shoes on stone floors! I loved all the different rhythms—the strong, intense beats of the soldiers’ boots and the soft, pitter-pattering steps of the family. Isn’t it funny, the things that have an impression on children? I always watch and listen out for those moments even now, as an adult. I’m so glad I watched it again and I’m also glad I can still see something like that through my inner child’s eyes! It was nice being able to switch my mind off for a bit, and just escape... |
| I’ve had six poems published. When I was in secondary school there used to be an annual poetry competition for the local schools and the winning poems were published in an anthology. I entered four years in a row (between the ages of 12 and 15) and had all four of my poems published. I actually truly believed that all submitted poems were published until the last year I entered when I managed to persuade my friend to enter for the first time, reassuring her that she’d definitely see her poem in print. She didn’t. Oops! I realised then that I’d actually achieved something. Now I cannot read any of those poems without shuddering in absolute horror. They are awful! Truly awful! And I cringe at the thought that they have been read by anyone other than me and that they can still be read by anyone other than me. I know the latter is highly unlikely (who would buy a book of poetry written by random school children?) but still, those poems have definitely been read by other people! That experience put me off getting published. Honestly. I still wanted my work to be read, but I also wanted absolute control over it. I wanted to be able to whisk a poem away, if it suddenly became cringe worthy to me, with a single click (or two, or three), and never allow it to see the light of day again. So joining WDC gave me the perfect opportunity to do just that. I can share my writing and even get feedback for it, but I can control, to some extent, who reads my work, and I can instantly consign any piece to the recycling bin if I so choose. But then came The Writing.Com Anthology 2012 and I agonised over it! I consider WDC to be my second home and I so badly wanted to be a part of any official publication. But the horrifyingly awful voices of my previously published pieces clamoured in the back of my mind and I wondered how I’d feel about my current poetry in ten years time. Would I consider it as shocking as I consider my childhood poetry? So what to do? In the end I just decided to go for it. My desire to be included overwhelmed my fears. I submitted three pieces and I’m proud to say "Invalid Item" and "Invalid Item" were chose for publication. I’m immensely proud of those poems and am overjoyed to see them in print. I even think I’ll still feel proud of them in ten, twenty, fifty years time!Now I’m seriously considering submitting my poetry to other, more formal and much more alien (to me) publications. I’ve reached a point where I genuinely like my own writing, but not in a way that makes me blind to any faults and flaws. I feel like I’ve gone through several phases as a writer. At first I was in love with my own work, and any criticism felt like a personal attack on my soul! Then I lost all my confidence and hated every word I’d ever written. A wonderful member on here (who sadly passed away in 2009) helped to restore that confidence and I started writing for me, purely for me, as I used to. I needed that. I feel like being a member here has helped me grow as a writer. I can now receive negative feedback and not feel hurt by it. I can recognise truly helpful feedback and not feel too self-important to take it on board and change my own words. So yeah, I feel like I’m ready for the next step. Although I have been published before, those experiences were rather easy and convenient if that makes sense. Submitting poetry to magazines and journals feels different and I want to experience that. It’s kind of scary but I truly think I’m ready for this. Being a member on WDC has helped me to develop a thick skin and I think I’ll be able to handle any rejections. But I have several poems that I’m proud of, and believe I’ll always feel proud of... and I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I can find a home for them. I want to try anyway. So bring on the next step! |
| I’ve had such an awful afternoon and I’m quite seriously stressed. The meeting with my care coordinator and support worker did not go well. For a start, I’d been told the wrong building. So I was sat in there, feeling unbelievably anxious and on edge wondering, where the hell are they? Why are they making me wait so long? So yeah, the receptionist managed to track them down and they were in a different building on the hospital campus. They were at the walk-in centre, rather than the Treatment centre, which my support worker had told me to go to. Urgh. So I went to the walk-in centre and my CC came to the waiting room to get me and when I walked in the room practically the first thing my SW said was that she’d told me this building. When I disagreed she said in a very patronising tone, “I gave you directions, Jess”. She was winding me up so much that I reached my breaking point. I kind of flapped my hands at her in a dismissive I-can’t-deal-with-this-anymore gesture and then I just legged it. I heard my CC say something to me but I’d already left the room. I can walk FAST, especially for such a short person, lol! I was part way down the road when I heard her call me again. I felt kind of bad as she’s not very fit so I stopped to let her catch up. She was standing way too close to me and trying to make eye contact, which I wasn’t able to do, but I could tell she was trying to help me, rather than piss me off. I was livid, honestly. And I never get like that. It takes an awful lot to get me truly angry and I can’t remember ever feeling it so intensely. This was just the result of weeks of being pissed about and undermined and wound up by my support worker. Anyway, my care coordinator told me to take a deep breath and asked me to come back in, so I decided to give it another try. It was kind of humiliating going back in after storming out. I’m not usually so dramatic! I don’t know if I can be bothered to blog about the rest of the appointment… not in any detail anyway. It was awful. My SW will not back down on her opinion of my relationship with my mum, despite me saying she’s got it wrong. She has not apologised for the way she treated me. As far as I can tell she doesn’t seem to think that she’s done anything wrong. I was asked if I can continue working her and I said I don’t see how I can as I no longer trust her. My SW said something like “that’s such a shame.” She had a real “hard-done” by air about her and at one point said, “I only ever wanted the best for you.” If that’s true, why did she tear me apart in our last appointment? Why has she turned up to every appointment recently in a bad mood and moaned to me about how much she doesn’t like her job? She doesn’t give a damn about me. But why should she? I never asked her to care about me. I just wanted a professional to do their job. So blah, blah, blah. As far as I’m concerned, that’s it. Our relationship is irreparable. I don’t know what will happen to me now. Hopefully I’m seeing my care coordinator again on Friday so will get some more information then. Now I’m just trying to recover. Annoyingly it has had a physical impact, as well as an emotional one. As a result of being so tense for so long, I now have a killer bad back. I also feel ridiculously sick. I am drained beyond belief. Thankfully I’ve had several amazing things happen to me here on WDC over the last couple of days. I don’t know what I’d do without this place. |
| I am so done coping. Honestly, I feel like crap which is annoying when my day has actually been mostly okay. My hospital appointment this morning went fine. I travelled 23 miles for what was probably a 60 second consultation! But the surgeon was very pleased with how my mouth has healed and I have now been discharged. So yay! I don’t consider it a waste of time as it’s nice to have the reassurance that everything went according to plan. Plus, as it’s not a common procedure, I think this follow-up appointment after six months will have been helpful to the surgeon for his research etc. The passport interview was also fine, I think, though completely bizarre. I was asked some very strange questions, such as “what colour are your mum and sister’s cars?” and “what is the layout of your house?”  I think I passed but they didn’t say. I hope I did! I can’t think why I wouldn’t seeing as I am who I say I am!When I walked Jade this evening I passed a boy who looked about 11 or 12. He was smoking.  It made me feel almost unbearably sad and triggered my “over-emphasise with everyone until you feel suicidal” thing that I get from time to time and have no control over. So that’s dragging me down a lot.I’m just very stressed over what happened at the hospital yesterday. I actually feel re-traumatised and I am dreading going back there in 8 weeks. I’m going to look into if it’s possible to request I don’t see that doctor again because I really can’t face that. I’m also dreading Monday when I’m supposed to be trying out the voluntary receptionist role again and I’m considering calling them up and saying I no longer want to do it. I hate to give up on things and I hate to let my anxiety beat me but I really wasn’t expecting what happened yesterday and it has hit me hard. I just have an awful lot to deal with at the moment and I don’t know if it’s worth the extra stress. I will have to think about it… I don’t want to let them down but I just really don’t know if I can do it. I feel like everything has suddenly piled on top of me and I can’t cope.  |
| I’ve had lots going on recently and I’m very, very stressed. I feel totally burned out and this heatwave isn’t helping with that at all! Plus my anxiety levels have been through the roof! I was supposed to have an appointment with both my support worker and care coordinator on Tuesday afternoon but my CC called me that morning and cancelled it. This was frustrating for me as I’ve just spent a couple of weeks feeling incredibly anxious about it, seeing as what happened last time. I’d kind of geared myself up for it so felt quite upset when it was cancelled. I asked my CC if I would still be seeing my SW and she said she thought it was best if we all met up together first and I agreed. She asked if I’ve had any contact with my SW and I said she’d emailed me a couple of times but that I hadn’t responded. Then she asked, “Do you think maybe you’re a bit angry with her?” to which I responded with a very emphatic “yes!” So the appointment has been rearranged for next Tuesday and I am stressing about it! My support worker actually emailed me today to tell me she’s leaving in August. My overwhelming feeling about this is one of relief, but I feel anxious too as I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. Seriously though, I don’t know how I could have continued working with her anyway seeing as I feel so angry with her and no longer trust her. So yeah, I’m glad she’s going and I hope if I get another support worker they’ll be more professional. But it’s frustrating and upsetting as I’ve spent so long building up a relationship with her. And I don’t even know if I will get another support worker. I’m terrified they are going to discharge me from the service. But I can’t think about that anymore or my head will explode… Yesterday I went along to my second AS meeting and my anxiety levels were ridiculous! I think this was because I had to go by myself this time. I just sat there twisting my hands and not saying anything to anyone. I felt out of place and I must admit this is because many of the people there are at the other end of the spectrum to me, meaning “lower-functioning” (horrible term) and have learning disabilities too. I forced myself to explore my uncomfortable feelings around this and realised that I feel afraid other people will think I am like that too. I ended up having a very stern “conversation” with myself in which I reminded myself I’m not better than anyone else and told myself to stop being such a stuck-up, uptight, narrow-minded bitch. So I am feeling suitably chastised and shamed. Seriously, I am ashamed of myself for some of the thoughts I had (can’t believe I’ve admitted this here). Once I’d gotten over myself, I managed to talk to a few people and enjoyed their company. Today I had two medical appointments. The first one was with my GP and he told me my blood test results show my vitamin D level is very low. So I have to take some medication for that. He’s also prescribed me some calcium supplements because of my hip bone mineral density being slightly reduced. My second appointment was an extremely traumatic hospital appointment with one of the rudest doctors I have ever met. I can’t say much more about this really as it is still very raw and I’m kind of reeling from it. I just really, really wish it hadn’t happened.Tomorrow I have yet another medical appointment as I have to go to Luton hospital for a check-up on the surgery I had to my mouth back in January. I also have an identity interview tomorrow as I have applied for a passport. Luckily I was able to arrange the interview for the same day as the check-up so I don’t have to go to Luton twice. My mum is taking me because I’m anxious about the drive. So busy, busy, busy. To end on a positive note, I’ve been to the conservation group twice since I last blogged properly so go me! It’s hard work, especially as it’s so, so hot right now, and I don’t particularly enjoy it, but I love the people. They are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. |
| For three nights in a row I’ve tried blogging about what’s been going on with me but then I just ended up deleting everything I wrote. I don’t know what’s going on there but I do know I’m going to give up trying! So, this is just a quick entry to say please go and check out my beautiful new portfolio image. I got it from "Invalid Item" (which is amazing!) and I added the text myself. I wanted something summery to decorate my port and I love it! |
 I’m just back from taking Jade to the vet. She’s got a lump on her head that keeps bleeding. She’s got several lumps that we’ve had checked out before (they’re benign and just due to her age), but I wanted to get some reassurance for this one as none of the others ever bleed. Thankfully it’s fine. The vet said it’s just a skin tag but unfortunately in an awkward place where it will keep catching. He said it isn’t absolutely necessary we get it removed but that is an option and if he does that one, he’ll also remove a pretty big one she has on her back leg. However, it will cost almost £300!!!!! I think we’re going to leave it for now seeing as they don’t seem to bother Jade at all and we’d rather avoid her having an operation because she’s pretty old now. She gets so stressed at the vets too and I can’t bear the thought of having to leave her there by herself! I asked the vet if her size is okay and he said it’s “spot-on.” Yes! I work so hard to keep her at a healthy weight. She has always been prone to chubbiness and even more now because she’s less active so I am over the moon that she’s a good size. The vet also listened to her heart and felt her stomach and everything is okay. So I think Jade is in good health and fingers crossed she stays that way. I feel relieved. I can’t adequately describe how much my dog means to me and I get so anxious thinking about what it will be like when she’s no longer here. I know I’ll be beyond devastated…  But hopefully she’s got a good many years left in her! I think Staffordshire Bull Terriers can live to around 16 or so. I heard of one who is still going strong at 21! Anyway, I need to take Jade for a nice walk now. I felt so guilty because she thought we were going for a walk when I was getting her ready for the vets and then she got excited when I put her in the car as she likes going in the car! And she was so happy right up until we got to the door of the surgery and she suddenly remembered where we were and got scared. She’s such a baby! She hid under a chair in the waiting room and wouldn’t stop shaking. They had the door open as it was so hot in there and she kept trying to make a break for it. She nearly made it too as she’s so strong and almost managed to drag me with her! I’m just so happy she’s okay! I  my dog!!!!!! |
| I’ve had an INTENSE last couple of days. I know the phrase “an emotional rollercoaster” is a cliché, but that’s what it has been like. Yesterday was the last session at the riding group until September. The children finished last week so it was just us volunteers there to do some training. I didn’t blog about this because I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I’d been told there was a possibility I might get to ride. Anyway, it happened! This was a big, big deal since I haven’t ridden for about ten or eleven years. It’s also an even bigger deal because horse riding is one of the things I loved that I gave up because of my depression. As a teenager I was obsessed with horses and used to spend my whole weekend at the riding stables, helping out. I used to have loads of books on horses and remember I had a set of beautiful hardback books about different aspects of horse care and riding. Then I got depressed and everything started falling apart. I gave up on my ambition to be a vet. I stopped volunteering at the RSPCA, which I’d done for four years, since the age of eleven. And I gave up horse riding. I convinced myself I was too grown up for horses and gave all my books away, which I seriously regret now. So yeah, riding again was kind of an emotional experience. I rode Buster and even had a little trot. It’s like riding a bike—you don’t forget how to do it. I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be as Buster is such a sweetheart—he’s so steady and well-behaved. I felt safe on him. Plus we were training, so I had someone leading him and someone side-walking with me, so I felt completely secure! I didn’t ride for long but wow can I feel it in my legs today?! We all went to the pub for lunch afterwards and although I didn’t say much, it was nice to be around people I like. And they’re all so nice to me and don’t seem to care that I’m totally socially inept. I feel quite upset that it’s finished for the summer and that first session back is going to be quite anxiety-inducing. I’m worried I’ll forget everything I’ve learned! When I got home yesterday, well, even before I got home, my mood totally crashed. I was crying in the car! I guess a part of it was from feeling so completely overwhelmed, but I don’t really get what was going on. I just suddenly felt like absolute shit and I seriously wanted to die. Seriously. I don’t know how or why I got through that. I was like that for a few hours and then it subsided, only to return again in the evening. Thankfully I was exhausted and able to get to sleep really early. But that was scary. I did think about trying to see my doctor but then I knew he’d just want me to contact my support worker and I really didn’t want to do that. My trust in her has been completely shattered. She has emailed me twice since last week (not to apologise or say anything about the appointment or my phonecall to my care coordinator) and I haven’t responded to either message. I just can’t bring myself to talk to her, so I have no idea how I’m going to deal with my appointment with her next week. Today I got up ridiculously early. I woke up at 6:30am and just couldn’t get back to sleep. As a result of pure exhaustion, my mood crashed again around 2pm after I’d walked Jade and I decided to go back to bed. This evening I went along to the counselling charity to talk about the voluntary receptionist position. The lady thought she’d told me I would also be shadowing a volunteer but she forgot to mention that! I hadn’t eaten or brought along anything to do in the gaps between clients so I was ridiculously hungry and bored. Also, I was anxious beyond belief. Honestly, I don’t think my anxiety levels have ever been as high as that. I was totally out of my comfort zone and I didn’t like that at all! And really, all I had to do was answer the intercom and then let the client in. It’s just I messed up the first time because I didn’t speak loud enough. Thankfully that was just a counsellor arriving though. I was brave and had another go when a client arrived and this time got it right. But I was so anxious, I was shaking. It was pathetic! I don’t know what the hell was going on. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t dealt with people before! It was bizarre. I think it’s going to take an awful lot of courage to go back. I consider myself a brave person and I have faced up to many things that terrify me, but I’m not sure if I’m up to this one. I’ve just about reached my limit of what I can cope with. It has shown me though that I’m definitely not ready for at least some types of work. I won’t be applying for any receptionist roles any time soon… or ever! I don’t know. The lady I initially spoke to is going to call me tomorrow to see how it went. I suppose I’ll have to decide then whether or not I can give it another go. And that has been my day. I’m so glad to be home now! My mum and I are just waiting for my sister to get home so we can watch the semi-final of The Apprentice. It has been an interesting series because I used to go to school with one of the candidates! People I went to school with keep cropping up on TV… it’s quite a strange experience! I’m trying to unwind but I feel like I’ve been through a lot over the past couple of days. I feel right on the edge and am afraid I might burst into tears at any moment. Really don’t want to do that. Just so, so incredibly, completely, ridiculously exhausted. So there… |
| I woke up feeling massively depressed this morning, which isn’t surprising considering how awful yesterday was. I so badly didn’t want to go to the conservation group but I knew I’d end up feeling worse later if I didn’t. So I made an agreement with myself that I would go and spend just 30 minutes there. That doesn’t sound like much but I seriously felt that’s all I’d be able to manage. Plus telling myself I’d only be there for 30 minutes was the only way I could actually get myself to go! When it was time for me to leave, Jade was fast asleep in her basket in my room. I don’t usually leave her with access to my room when I go out as I don’t want her getting on my bed, but I didn’t have the heart to wake up her up. So I left her sleeping peacefully. I got there quite early and could see a couple of people at the shed and thought I recognised one of them but I felt too anxious to go over initially. So I just sat on a bench until I felt surer I definitely did know the guy! When I went over he said, “I thought that was you sitting over there!” It was genuinely nice to see him again because he was so lovely to me when I used to go there before. I knew the lady who usually runs the group, who I met previously when I volunteered, wouldn’t be there but she’d told the temporary leader I might be coming. He was really nice and welcoming too. At this point 30 minutes felt a little measly so I told the guy that I have some problems with my energy and had set myself a goal of helping out for 45 minutes, possibly more if I felt up to it. He was fine with that. Some more people showed up but sadly few of the folk I knew from before. I only recognised two people! The leader, Dave, asked me if I’d like to do some weeding and planting as that would be lighter work than clearing the vegetation around the pond. I said yes to this so me and a nice, rather quirky woman named Mandy got to work on the medieval chapel garden (oh yeah, did I forget to mention that we were working at an ancient monument site?! How cool is that?!) I tried so hard to make small talk with Mandy and I think I did okay. In fact, I was more communicative than she was! Not that she was unfriendly or anything. Anyway, a lady who works there gave us about a million instructions of what she wanted us to do in the garden and we got to work! I started off weeding a path and managed to disturb an ant nest. They all suddenly started swarming out everywhere and I felt terribly guilty for wrecking their home. I gave up on the path because, although I know it has to be done, I don’t want to be the one who upsets the ants even more!The work was pretty physical and a bit mundane too, but I liked being able to do something productive. I ended up working until 11am, so for about an hour and a half, or slightly less. Dave came to get us and we met up with the others for a break. I told Dave I felt ready to go, as my energy was completely zapped at this point, but I stayed and chatted with the others for a bit. I talked with the second guy I knew from before, who runs an environmental group in my neighbourhood and told him that I’m very interested in joining (that’s 1 networking point for me!) I feel kind of emotional because everyone was so nice and welcoming to me. I don’t know why that has made me emotional but I seriously feel like I could cry. I also feel a little guilty for leaving early but I am so, so proud of what I achieved. That was a MASSIVE deal considering how low I feel at the moment. I think I’m just going to stick to taking things nice and easy and work up to doing a full session. I don’t want to push myself too hard and get burned out and overwhelmed.Then I came home. Jade’s going a bit deaf in her old age and doesn’t always hear people when they come in the door now. So I went up and she was still in bed, bless her. She looked so sleepy but got up and gave me her usual warm welcome. There is nothing like being greeted by a dog to make you feel loved and wanted! Anyway, about 20 minutes ago I called my care coordinator and said I wanted to clarify some things from yesterday if that was okay. I told her I felt the session had gone badly wrong and that it is important to me that she knows my relationship with my mum isn’t bad or superficial. I got a bit emotional and incoherent but think I managed to express that the things that were said had upset me deeply and I consider them to be untrue. I also said that I hadn’t mentioned some important things, like how I want to get help with my OCD and the effects of my traumatic experience. I think my care coordinator was very surprised that I called but she thanked me and said she was glad I had. I have a sense of relief now, so I’m pleased I managed to pluck up the courage to do it. So I’ve had a positive and productive morning. I do recognise that. So why am I feeling so overwhelmed and weepy? I don’t know but it’s bloody annoying! |
| I’ve had such a hellish morning. It was my care plan meeting with my support worker and care coordinator but it turned into a massive “let’s lecture and bully Jess until she gets to a point where she can no longer communicate” session. Honestly! I felt like a little child getting told off by my parents. It was ridiculous and I don’t know why I didn’t just walk out. I thought about it but my courage failed me. So I just sat there and took it mostly. The thing that got to me the most was when we were talking about my relationship with my family, and particularly with my mum. No one ever understands why I don’t confide in my mum but still consider my relationship with her close and good and I can’t adequately explain it. But that’s beside the point. I shouldn’t have to explain it to them. They should just accept it because their role is to support me, not run my life for me. I was furious with my support worker when she called my relationship with my mum “superficial”. I mean, how dare she make such an assumption? She doesn’t know my mum. She doesn’t know what our relationship is like. She doesn’t know anything about the crap my family has been through and what that has done to us. And then she went off on this massive rant about how she could never imagine living with her parents and not telling them stuff so therefore she must be right that I don’t have a good relationship with my mum, just a superficial one. And she asked, “Can you see where I’m coming from?” or something like that and I just said no. I think she tried to explain more but I deliberately zoned out because I was sick of listening to her narrow-minded, self-absorbed claptrap. And another thing that made me furious is that they both suddenly started having a go at me about how I supposedly don’t try out the things they suggest and how I don’t communicate with them enough about what I feel will be useful. But here’s the funny part… they only had two examples, and both were bullshit anyway! We talked at length about my diet and then my support worker started going on about how many healthy eating tips she’s given me and how I haven’t taken any of them on board. Then she used another recent example where she gave me a meditation CD to try out and yet I haven’t listened to it. I’d barely said a word but I was goaded into talking here by the injustice of their assertions and also the fact that they were both ganging up on me. So I pointed out that I actually have done most of the things I’ve been advised or encouraged to do and that when it comes to the CD I told my support worker that I probably wouldn’t try it because I find those kind of CDs grating and I don’t have the patience for them. So how is that not communicating what I think will be helpful to me? But she pushed me to take it, so I did, because I felt I didn’t have a choice. Then I said that when it comes to my diet, I have some problems with eating but I can’t talk about them and my care coordinator said something very patronising like, “Thanks for telling us this, it’s very useful”, like I’d never mentioned it before! But the last time I had an appointment with her I said the EXACT SAME THING!!!!! And I’ve said to my support worker before that I would like to eat a healthier diet but I’m not interested in putting on weight. I’ve also told her that I’m afraid of taking medication in case I experience the side effect of weight gain. AND I told her I'd been referred for a bone scan because of my low BMI. So okay, I haven’t expressed outright that I have body image issues but surely anyone with half a brain could have figured it out and realised that this is an area I have major trouble talking about! I’m sure there’s more but these were the most annoying things. I can’t believe two mental health professionals just ganged up on me and bullied me. I didn’t thank my support worker when I left today. Anyone who knows me knows that I am ULTRA polite but I just don’t feel I have anything to thank her for anymore and I’m certainly not going to thank her for bullying and undermining me. I didn’t have the confidence to say to her “what you just did to me was really shitty”, so not thanking her felt like a small way of conveying that nonverbally. I doubt she’s perceptive enough to pick up on it though. At least writing all of this has helped to dissipate my anger somewhat. But now I just feel worn out, stressed, sad, helpless and hopeless. I would walk away from their service if I had other options, but I don’t. Sadly that appears to be the best that can be offered to mental health patients in my town. And if I want to access other services, I have to go through them. So I’ll just have to put up with this crap and hope that they’ll eventually refer me somewhere else where I can actually get some proper help and treatment. Seriously, fuck my life. |
| Okay, I had ruled out a career related to my degree but I’m re-thinking it now. Yeah, I dislike a lot of the practical work that comes with an environmental job but I’ve realised doing that stuff now will help me in the long-term. So, I’ve contacted the environmental group I volunteered for a few times and they’re happy for me to come back. I’m determined to stick at it this time and I may get involved with other groups too, once my energy levels improve. I’m going to make use of any free or cheap local or near-local nature courses that come up too. And… I’m also going to network my arse off! Haha! I have never networked in my life. I don’t even know how to network, but I’m going to figure it out and I’m going to do it. I’m going to make sure that any environmental people I come across know that I want to work in conservation. I’m going to volunteer and learn and network for six-nine months and then I’m going to start applying for graduate-level conservation jobs. This is my new plan. I’m only going to allow myself a few moments to regret that I didn’t start doing this stuff years earlier. I cannot undo my past stupidity. I must stop living in the past and start living now, with one eye always on the future. Just one eye, though! I need my second eye to look out for any current opportunities that will benefit me… mwahahaha! I feel good that I’ve finally identified a goal. Now I can stop wasting time and start doing things that will actually help me get work. I wonder if I’ll still feel this way after several hours of hard, manual labour on Thursday! And I know networking will be a very draining process for me too. But my life is hell at the moment and if I have to go through a different kind of hell to make changes, I will do it. |
| Today I am in such a major panic over not having a job and not knowing what I want to do. I have spent hours trawling websites trying to find the right opportunity and just figure things out basically. I seem to spend the majority of my time doing this these days and it is exhausting. I had a mad half hour where I considered teaching and even looked into to postgraduate teacher training. Yeah I’m seriously losing it! In what universe could I be a teacher?! How the hell am I supposed to figure this stuff out? I've been trying to for the last four years... |
| I just submitted an application for another volunteer role. It is a receptionist position with a charity that offers relationship counselling. I want to get some admin experience and also have something that shows “hey, I can actually get along and interact just fine with human beings”, because I feel my CV lacks that right now and that I’m not exactly demonstrating it in interviews. But perhaps a role where I will have to talk to others will help me to improve my people skills a bit. Plus the place where I currently volunteer break for the summer, so I want something else to stop me from going completely crazy at home. Nobody can accuse me of not being proactive. I just keep going and going, no matter how many times life knocks me back. And I have had a lot of knockbacks. I don’t know where I get my determination from… Argh, I’m so stressed! I got my bone density scan results today. My lumbar spine bone mineral density is fine but the hip bone mineral density is slightly reduced. They have recommended that my 25 hydroxy vitamin D level should be checked and that I should start taking calcium supplements as I only have a minimal amount in my diet. I feel confused that my doctor didn’t mention any of this when I saw him the other day as he would have already received the letter. It might just be that I had a lot of other more pressing issues to deal with. But still… I wish he’d at least mentioned it so I could have arranged the blood test. I don’t feel too bothered about the actual results. “Slightly reduced” doesn’t sound too bad or scary. And I don’t really care about my physical health right now. Maybe I’m just too depressed. I don’t know… |
| I didn't get the internship. So I can't even get non-paid work! Yay for me! I'm totally useless! I didn't think it was possible to feel worse than I have been feeling recently, but it really, truly is. |
| I’m having such a shitty time! I had an “interview” this morning for the internship I mentioned a while ago. I say “interview” with quote marks because I was told it would be informal, more of a chat really, but it turned out to be more like an interview interview, without quote marks. It went terribly to be honest, so I don’t really feel like going into it in any detail. This was definitely the worst interview I’ve given out of the three I’ve had recently. So perhaps I’ll get this one, you know, give one great interview and one good one and not get either job, then give a crappy one and get offered a job! Haha, probably not. The situation with my support worker is getting stupidly stressful to the point where I am considering making a complaint about her and/or asking to start working with someone else. She just keeps turning up to all our sessions in a bad mood and then complains to me about how hard and stressful her job is. I find this insulting seeing as I’m part of her job and to be honest I just don’t need her negativity. I have enough of my own! My care plan meeting has been postponed so many times now it’s ridiculous. This means that nothing is really being done to help me at the moment. AND my appointments have just been cut down to every two weeks because they are worried I may become dependent on my support worker. This has made me furious. It would be okay if I had some other form of support in place too, but I don’t. And to just spring this on me suddenly and then start it immediately was really kind of crappy. They could have at least given me some time to get used to the idea and discuss it with me a little. I didn’t even get to express any of my concerns. I’m really not looking forward to seeing her tomorrow… Today I saw my doctor and that went pretty crappy too. I’m still getting stomach problems but as my blood test and scan results were fine it would seem there isn’t anything that can be done. I’m getting referred to a surgical team for another problem I’ve had for a while now, and that is really freaking me out. And I didn’t get any more sleeping tablets, so that is really, really stressing me out. Instead my doctor has prescribed me a new antidepressant which can cause drowsiness, so can help with insomnia too, but I feel too afraid to take it. I freaked out when I got home and decided to go back to the doctors. I told the receptionist that I feel too anxious to take the medication I’ve been prescribed and she put a message through to the doctor asking him to call me, but that will probably be tomorrow now. I feel like such an idiot for doing that. But I’m really stressed and wondering how I’m going to sleep tonight. I really shouldn’t have gotten into the habit of taking a sleeping pill the night before my voluntary work. Now I feel like I can’t cope without it but I’m going to have to tonight. I am seriously losing the plot. EDIT: well, my doctor has now called me and reassured me about the medication. I was mainly concerned about weight gain but he says it won’t make me fat. I think he was humouring me though because he then asked what he’d prescribed me! How does he know it won’t make me fat if he can’t even remember what he’d prescribed?! I was also concerned about the drowsiness and he said it’s best not to take it for the first time if I have anything on the next day. So I won’t be trying it out tonight. I’ll just have to find sleep the natural way and hope I get enough of it to be able to function at my voluntary work. I forgot to blog about this but when I walked Jade earlier a dog came running up to us. He was a Staffordshire Bull Terrier, same as Jadey, but she didn’t appreciate that and growled a warning at him. Thankfully he wasn’t aggressive and just wanted to play but he wouldn’t leave us alone. I ended up having to shout at him to go away, which I felt so guilty about, but Jade was getting really stressed. I considered tying her up so I could grab the other dog and look at his collar but I thought that might really freak her out. We weren’t too far from home so we hurried back and then my mum and I went to look for the other dog. I found him outside a house, with his nose pressed up against the door! I said to him, “hello sweetheart, is this your house?” and he bounded up to me, wagging his tail. So I knocked and when a man opened the door said, “is this your dog?” to which he replied “yes” and then said to the dog, “come on” in a weary manner that suggested they’ve been through this before! He thanked me and that was that. I’m glad everything turned out okay and the dog got home safely. |
I’ve been busy this past week as Mark has been visiting me. The 18th was our fifth anniversary as a couple, so that was pretty special. We celebrated with a meal out. Mark gave me a beautiful card and some chocolates. He also got me a book about a place that gives disadvantaged, vulnerable children the opportunity to take care of horses. This is of course extremely relevant to me considering the voluntary work I do and I’m looking forward to reading it. I also got Mark some chocolates and a DVD—Django Unchained. That’s perhaps not the most romantic film I could have chosen but it seemed appropriate as it’s one we saw together at the cinema and loved. Plus it does have a love story at its heart! I was quite pleased with the anniversary card I picked out. It has a picture of an owl and pussycat on the front and inside I reassured Mark that they are the loved-up ones from the original poem and not my dysfunctional version from here: "Invalid Item" .  Haha!But we’ll be having our main anniversary celebration sometime in September or October as we hope to go on holiday to Amsterdam. Neither of us as been on holiday for years and I’ve never been abroad, so it should be amazing! And it’s nice to do something extra special to celebrate our relationship. I think five years together is a pretty big deal these days! On Wednesday Mark came with me to my first AS meet-up group. This was so terrifying for me and I was really, really glad and grateful to have Mark with me for support. It was an interesting experience and a somewhat stressful one but on the whole I feel it was positive. The problem with bringing together a group of socially inept people is that you will have a group of socially inept people! Things are not exactly going to be “normal” or run smoothly. As an example, when we got there and established that we’d found the right group, nobody introduced themselves to us or spoke to us initially! That was a little daunting and unsettling. But then we got talking to another new lady who was pretty bubbly and outgoing, so that helped. I also found it strange that several people were using their laptops and ipads etc, making no effort to socialise. What’s the point in coming if you’re just going to sit there playing computer games? My brain couldn’t really process that! Then another lady arrived. She isn’t on the spectrum but is a disability advisor who specialises in Asperger’s. She helps to run the group and was very welcoming and introduced us to a few of the others. I spent some time talking to a guy who has much more severe social difficulties than me. He was very intense and I found the conservation awkward and hard but he seemed nice. One good thing about this group is that I didn’t feel the need to suppress my awkwardness so much or to try hard to be “normal”. I still did both to some extent though as it is hard to break the habits of a life time! But I could sit there twisting my hands as much as I felt I needed to and I didn’t have to worry about looking abnormal. And I could talk to people without feeling the need to force myself to make “correct” eye contact. Conversation was difficult and awkward but I think maybe I just need to get used to people’s different communication styles and personal quirks. I think I should probably go again and that to do so will be a positive thing. Whether I’ll be able to make myself attend again is another matter…! Sorry if this entry is incoherent... I've had very little sleep. I have a feeling none of it will make much sense when I read back through it later! |
| Well, I haven’t blogged in a while because it has been stressing me out a bit. Plus things have been really crappy offline and super busy online that I just haven’t had much time to blog. I won’t go into the offline stuff but things have been going well here on WDC. I’ve been reviewing like crazy and it feels amazing to have gotten back into it. I have done my Simply Positive reviews three weeks in a row, which is a huge deal for me and I also got my reviews for the last round of Pond Poetry completed pretty fast. But the big news is that I have decided to become an active member of the Paper Doll Gang again. I helped to do some poetry reviews and am now working on an idea for a challenge/contest for the alumni. The lovely Hannah ♫♥♫  has welcomed me back with open arms and it feels like I have returned home! Hannah even made a signature to represent all of us group leaders: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Isn’t it cute?! I’m “Poppet” by the way.  The names were our childhood nicknames.Now I just have to focus on not getting burned out. It’s good to be active but I do have a habit of taking on too much and then getting overwhelmed. So I’m just going to take it slow and steady. Anyway, I thought I’d end this entry with an awesomely adorable video: [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] I have to get a parrot!  |
| Well, today has been interesting. I had an ultrasound scan this morning and my support worker came with me. We met an hour beforehand and caught up a bit as she has been off sick. I needed to drink a litre of fluid in preparation for the scan and, annoyingly, my support worker kept saying things like, “I really don’t think you need to be drinking that much” and “well, you can always go to the toilet and then drink a bit more just before the scan”. Um… no! My letter said to drink a litre of fluid one hour before and NOT to empty my bladder until after the scan. Plus, I’ve had about a million scans so I kind of know how to properly prepare for them by now. But she wouldn’t listen to me and continued to spout her nonsense, completely undermining me. I should be used to that by now. One thing that really bugs me about my support worker (among the many, many things!) is that she can be very rude (and not just to me, but strangers too). I’ve noticed this before but it happened again today. We were just discussing the best way to go to leave the hospital when a nurse stopped and asked if we were okay. At first my support worker hadn’t realised the nurse was speaking to us but when she did, she got very defensive, saying “yes?” with a bit of a sneer and when the nurse asked if we knew where we were going, she snapped “yes”. As a very polite person, this bothers me. A lot. I can’t stand rudeness. I was raised to always be polite and respectful to everyone. This was a big part of my up-bringing and I always take great pride in my good manners. I find being with a rude person embarrassing and stressful and it has the effect of making me even more ultra-polite than normal, to compensate for their bad behaviour! But she does have her good points... seriously. I just tend to blog about the bad stuff! Anyway, the scan was fine though for some reason the technician and I had trouble understanding each other! Oh well… They didn’t find anything concerning, so that’s good. This afternoon I found an internship programme for a charity based in my hometown. The first line of their advert is this: Are you passionate about telling stories, skilled in using social media with good writing skills? Yes! That’s me! This role seems to have been created for me! So I have spent the rest of the day working on my application, which has been a long, tough and tedious process. One good thing though is that my experience as a member and moderator here at writing.com is really relevant for this role. I’ve never talked about WDC in a job application before, but why not? I spend an awful lot of my time here and put in a lot of work, all on a voluntary basis. Why shouldn’t my experiences and contributions here count for something outside of the site? The application is pretty much finished now but I’m not going to send it until tomorrow because I’m tired and stressed and want to be able to look over it again when I feel more relaxed and refreshed. I think the internship is only 12 weeks, but that’s a good thing. This is a good way for testing my capacity for work, plus it will give me experience in a role I haven’t tried before, in a field I would be very interested in working in. It isn’t paid, though they do pay travel and lunch expenses. That’s fine with me too. I just want the experience and the opportunity to try out working. Please keep your fingers crossed for me and wish me luck because I really, really need something to actually work out for me now! Hopefully this is it… the opportunity I have been waiting for. I think I deserve this after all the hard work I have been putting in to life in general recently! And I think I’ve earned a break! |
| My voluntary work went well this morning. I groomed and tacked up Tessa and lead her in the lesson. Usually she’s a bit more active than Buster but she was so sleepy today, due to being out in the field all last night, that I had to work just as hard to get her going. I felt exhausted afterwards! I love it after the lessons when I can untack whichever horse I’m with and put them out in the field. That’s my favourite part! When I got home my mood just crashed. I suddenly felt so down about not having a job. Seriously, being unemployed is one of the most soul-destroying things you can go through. It’s like I spent the morning being useful, doing something that not everybody could do and hopefully making a difference only to come home to mind-numbing boredom and feelings of utter uselessness. I don’t know how much longer I can stand this… I drove Jade to a nearby park for our walk today and she had a lot of fun. It was nice to go somewhere different. My support worker is back at work and she’s going to come to my ultrasound scan on Thursday. We’re meeting about an hour beforehand to catch-up. I’m glad she’s back and hope now that we can really get proactive when it comes to my recovery and finding work. I think next week we’ll be meeting with my care coordinator to go through my care plan and then I want to go back to the jobcentre and find out why they’re not doing anything to help me get work. I might look into doing a course and finding out if they can help me with funding. I need to do something because I am going absolutely crazy. And that has been my day, basically. I managed to fit in a little bit of exercise earlier, before walking Jade. I’m going to start off slow and easy and build up from there. Right now I am absolutely exhausted. I feel like I haven’t stopped all day! |
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