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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
Look what I got! I ordered it the other day and it arrived this morning. Sorry I'm headless in this photo! And I should have cropped my horrible legs out but I'm too lazy!  A ghostie jumper! (Are they called "jumpers" in America? Should I have said "sweater"?) It's so cute! I don't know if I'll be keeping it though as it's a bit on the big side. Then again, big jumpers can be nice and snuggly. Plus they're good for fitting lots of layers underneath. So perhaps I will keep it... and it has a ghost on it! That's just cool.I didn't go to the conservation group this morning because I'm feeling really depressed and I just couldn't face it. Also, I've been kind of sleep deprived and I didn't want to get up early. I should have pushed myself to go.  I saw my care worker yesterday who is pushing and pushing me to take the latest medication prescribed to me, as if it's some kind of miracle cure. She pretty much said to me that if I don't take it, then I don't want to get better. I found that insulting. I could not be trying harder to get better! But I'm heading towards double digits with the number of different medications I've tried and I'm sick of it, not to mention incredibly anxious about the effects they've had on my body. They don't even fully understand how these medicines work! So yeah, I have a right to be cautious and if I don't end up taking it, that doesn't mean I want to stay unwell. The woman is an idiot. I walked Jade nice and early today -- it feels good to have gotten that out the way. Now she's fast asleep and snoring. Aw! I've been working on my contest reviews and am making slow but steady progress. The contest is open until the 28th, so there's plenty of time to enter! Go do that now! Now! Why not? Thanks to all my generous donors, I'm able to offer some awesome prizes. I want to enter my own contest, lol!
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| I've had such a bad day, so it's time to bring out REM again. [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Love that song! I have been an emotional wreck all day. My voluntary work didn't go very well. Something happened just before I went that stressed me out, so I wasn't in the mood for being around people or doing anything productive. I had a paranoid "episode" whilst there and became convinced that I annoy all my fellow volunteers and that they all hate me. Maybe they don't hate me, but I'm pretty sure most of them find me hard work and irritating at times. I just don't fit in. I don't do socialising. I'm not normal. I don't know how I've ever managed to have friends... ever. Well, I do. The only real friends I've had are the people who persevered with me and didn't reject me straight away for my weirdness but actually took the time to get to know me and see past that. I should never, ever have let those friendships die when I moved home after University. But I can't dwell on that or I'll kill myself.I have thought about killing myself a lot today. Anyway, I had to "side-walk" the rider today, rather than lead the horse. I hate "side-walking" because it requires interacting with the child and I'm terrible at that. I can't interact face-to-face with adults or children. I'm a complete failure! After the lesson, the leader with Freddie had to dash off so she asked me to hold him and I felt anxious because Freddie is BIG and I'm small and I don't know him so well... and he's a biter. He stood pretty nicely for me though, at first, until the treats came out. Then the little shit got impatient and tried to bite me. So to stop him from taking a huge chunk out of my arm, I put my hand on his nose and pushed him away and the riding instructor said, "just hold him" to me, quite sharply. I don't know what she meant -- I was holding him! But I didn't appreciate her tone. I guess she didn't see him attempting to sink his teeth into me. I felt anxious about having to lead him back to his stable but thankfully one of the coordinators rescued me! She asked if I was ok to take him or if I wanted to take Murphy back instead. So I opted for Murphy! He's smaller, more manageable and I've lead him before and feel comfortable with him, even though he's a grumpy git as well! I didn't stay too long for coffee and biscuits afterwards because I felt stressed and kind of tearful and I didn't want to start crying in front of everyone! I cried on the way home instead and I have no idea why. I went to pick up my prescription from the doctors' surgery but they'd closed half an hour early for training! So I went into town to try and buy some new trainers as both of mine have decided to leak, but I couldn't find any that were suitable and the sales assistant was hovering over me and I became really stressed. So I left without buying anything, even though I needed to get some sports trousers too. At least badminton this evening was good. But now my mood has crashed again as I've been reminded of how unfit I've become. And that makes me think of how super fit and active I was at University and how much I miss karate. I feel it as a physical ache in my heart! But if I keep thinking about that I really will kill myself. And to top everything off, I have a HUGE, painful stye in the inner corner of my eye and I can feel another one coming up on my other eye. Yeah, I know I'm ridiculously stressed and suicidally depressed when I start getting loads of styes. I must rub my eyes a lot when I'm distressed or something. So sick of everything and want out of this life now. Sorry for the overwhelming negativity of this entry.  |
| Note to self... DO NOT attend an appointment with a Dietician having not eaten. It is a form of self-torture. I'm such an idiot! The appointment was fine, if a little dull. We spent the session going through why food is important for our bodies and what we need and get from it etc. I have a biology GCSE, a biology A level and a biology degree -- I already know why food is important for our bodies and what we need and get from it etc. But instead of telling the woman this, saving both our time, I just listened politely and feigned interest. But in a way that was good because I think it would have freaked me out if we'd just jumped straight into talking about my eating and how to change it etc. I find it incredibly difficult to talk about my eating habits. The dietician is lovely. And slim without being skinny. I was so scared she was going to be stick-thin. That would have been very triggering for me. She has a thick eastern European accent, which she says is worse on Mondays! (  ) She pronounces my name "Jezzeeka". I love it! I'm seeing her again in two weeks. She wants to monitor my weight but I didn't let her weigh me today because I am a little over my acceptable highest weight and I feel ashamed of that. But that was fine -- she didn't push me. One thing I feel relieved about is that I'm going to be allowed to maintain my current weight and we can come up with meal plans for that. Then if I want to gain weight, I can let her know and we can come up with different meal plans for that. I thought they would just be focused on fattening me up so I'm happy that isn't the case.Recently I keep dreaming about babies and pregnancy and stuff. It's getting really annoying! My latest dream -- well, more of a nightmare actually -- was where I had a baby and he was very ill but nobody believed me. I became increasingly panicked in the dream, trying to get help for the baby and trying to get people to understand that I knew he was desperately ill, even if they couldn't see it. I woke up before it came to any kind of conclusion. That was really unsettling though wasn't as disturbing as a different version of that dream I've had before. In the previous version, the baby was actually a plastic doll. So I was racing about trying to get help for a plastic doll! But whilst I was dreaming, I thought it was a real baby. It's only when I woke up and examined the "pictures" of the dream, that I realised it was a doll. Weird! I hope I don't get that dream again. What's going on with my subconscious?! The weather is horrible here today -- wet, cold and dreary. I'm not looking forward to walking Jade. I'm debating whether to go into town. I'm playing badminton with someone from the AS group tomorrow evening and I need to get some suitable trousers for it. I have some jogging trousers but they are three-quarter length, leaving my ankles exposed, and I don't fancy wearing them when it's so cold! But I don't know if I can be bothered, so might just go tomorrow. I didn't get much sleep last night. I want a nap but I know if I sleep I won't be able to sleep tonight and then I'll be tired and stressed at my voluntary work and slow and uncoordinated when playing badminton. ARGH! Shut up, Jezzeeka! |
| So here's what we got up to on our last two days in Amsterdam... I think we got up and left the hotel fairly late on Thursday -- a result of our previous two very busy days catching up to us. One of the good things about being away was that I ate like a king every breakfast! I don't usually do breakfast but I knew I'd need lots of fuel to get me through all we planned to do. The hotel had a great morning buffet with lots of croissants and other pastries and toast etc. I discovered hazelnut spread. How did I not know this existed before? It's going to change my life! We went to the Amsterdam museum and learned about some of the city's history. I was interested to learn that Amsterdam is built on wooden piles. I'm not really sure what else we learned, lol -- that's the only thing that really stuck in my mind! After that we had a hot chocolate with cream in the museum café and also a HUGE pancake each. Honestly, that thing was about double the size of my head! It was very nice but I couldn't manage it all. After that we headed over to the Stedelijk museum, which is a gallery for modern art. We saw some bizarre stuff in there, including an exhibition on chairs. Chairs make great art! Then we decided to go over to the nearby Van Gogh museum. We noticed the long queue we'd seen for it earlier had died down so decided to make the most of the quietness. Haha, "quietness"... how ironic! Unfortunately we picked the wrong time to go in... apparently on Friday evenings they hold concerts in the museum atrium. We paid to do an audio tour. Big mistake! It was a nightmare. The actual exhibition was stunning. The way it was set out was awesome and they had loads of information about the materials Van Gogh used for his work and details about the different kinds of paints and what colours some of his paintings were before age faded them etc. Some of the exhibition was interactive too, which was cool, and the audio tour was very interesting when I could actually concentrate on it. But the evening was spoiled by the noise of the concert. I just went into major sensory overload, to be honest, and I'm kind of ashamed to say I had a bit of a meltdown. Or a lot of one! I got so overwhelmed and beyond the point of coping. I feel so disappointed and angry at them. You don't expect a museum to be a noisy place. Or I don't! I expect them to be peaceful and quiet so I can listen to a damn audio tour that cost 5 Euros, concentrate on reading the information about the paintings and actually be able to take in and reflect on what I'm seeing. The evening should have been amazing. I feel cheated. I kind of regret spending money in their gift shop now! But I picked out some nice presents for my mum and sister.After that we went back into the city centre and found somewhere to eat and then we went back to our hotel. We were both totally exhausted again! On Saturday we packed up our stuff. I was, of course, super organised and speedy with this. Mark was, of course, not! But they say opposites attract! Then we headed back over to the Jordaan district, hoping to do a tour of the Westerkerk tower. Unfortunately there just wasn't enough time for this so we decided to go to the nearby houseboat museum instead. That was cute! I want to live in a houseboat -- they are adorable! I was overjoyed to find a "Mind Your Head" sign on board the museum boat that actually applied to me. Being only 5 feet small, that has never happened before! I made sure to get Mark to take a photo of me next to it! Then it was time to collect our luggage from the hotel and get to the airport. I was excited to be going back home but sad to leave a city I have fallen in love with. I love their way of life over there and their homes are stunning. I can really see myself living in an old, tall canal house! The airport was kind of stressful as they do things a bit differently there than they did at Luton airport and for a while we thought we had somehow skipped security. We were kind of worried! But it all turned out fine and before too long I was on a plane for the second time. This time we took off while it was light, so I got to see the ground getting smaller and smaller. I sat looking out of the window for most of the flight again. I really like flying -- it's such a weird sensation and my mind finds it hard to actually process it! How can I be in the air?! Crazy! My mum was kind enough to pick us up from the airport. Unfortunately we had to wait a ridiculous amount of time for our luggage. Getting back home and seeing Jadey was great. She went berserk! There's nothing like being greeted by a dog to make you feel loved and welcomed! When she's really excited she does laps around the coffee table with her toy in her mouth, while making little squeaky noises. I have no idea why she does that but it's totally adorable! So that was my first trip abroad. I knew it wouldn't be perfect. I knew things would go wrong. But so much of it was wonderful, I don't care about the less great stuff. I flew for the first time, visited another country for the first time, went to Anne Frank House, which I have wanted to do for YEARS. I saw a beautiful city and experienced so many different things in such a short space of time. I'd love to go back there in the future.  |
| I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning and realised that he has reddish-purple coloured hair! You expect a twenty-something year old rock chick to have reddish-purple hair, not a fifty-something, suit-wearing, Asian, male psychiatrist! It was weird. But what was really weird was that I didn't notice the striking hair colour until about halfway through the appointment! Shows how much I look at people (or don't look at them! ) The appointment was okay, though he seemed a bit bemused by me for reasons I can't quite figure out. I've been prescribed a new medication, which is another anti-psychotic that can also be used as an antidepressant. I don't know if I'll take it. I'll decide after researching it a bit. I got a letter summing up my eating disorder assessment today and it has really pissed me off as there are a lot of errors in it. She got my date of birth wrong! She also said my brother died when I was 16 (I was 18, actually). There were several more mistakes too -- nothing overly important, just irritating. I've been diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa (restricting subtype). I don't think it's bad enough to be called "Anorexia Nervosa" but there you go. She has recommended I see a dietician, which is fine, but I don't see how it will really help if I don't also address the psychology behind my eating difficulties. She hasn't arranged for any kind of therapy to help with this even though I said several times in my assessment that I want to feel better about my body. She has also recommended that I get monthly blood tests. So lots of fun in store for me! I bought a scrapbook earlier so I can make a nice keepsake of my first trip abroad. I still have to write about the rest of our time there -- I might do that later this evening or tomorrow. While I was out I also brought a beautiful notebook. It was really expensive but I couldn't resist it. It's just so pretty! Look:  I it! I'm hoping it will actually inspire me to do some writing. But not right now... because now I want to go and read another couple of chapters of "A Storm of Swords".  |
| Today marks exactly 3 years since I passed my driving test, so yay! And I still can't quite believe I can actually drive! My interview yesterday didn't go as well as I'd hoped it would. In fact, I am feeling increasingly upset about it and have been beating myself up for messing up an amazing opportunity. They said they wouldn't be letting people know the outcome for at least two weeks, which seems absurdly long and cruel, so I have an intense wait ahead of me. Not good. So... Amsterdam! It was amazing! I'll start with flying... it blew my mind to be honest. I know it is very uncool to be anything but blasé about travelling and that people like to pretend they're old hands at it and that it's no big deal etc... but I'm not very cool. I spent most of the flight there with my face pressed up against the window, lol, and I don't care how silly I looked! We took off at 6am and I was so scared but also really excited. We got to see a beautiful sunrise from the sky and that is an experience I'm never going to forget.Thanks to Mark we found our hotel really easily and then we just crashed for an hour. We were both totally exhausted. After that we decided to go back out and unfortunately we ended up getting lost, which was kind of stressful. But eventually we made it to Rembrandt House Museum. By then we only had about 45 minutes there, but that actually worked out pretty well because it was really quiet and sometimes we had rooms to ourselves. It was great and I loved seeing the box beds that they used to sleep in! We also saw a lot of Rembrandt's drawings. I'd like to go back there. Our second day was more successful and we spent the morning in Vondel Park, which is stunningly beautiful, and took lots of photos. Then we headed over to the Jordaan district to find Anne Frank House in plenty of time. I'd purchased our tickets in advance and I'm so glad I did because there was a huge queue and we saved an awful lot of time! Before we were due to go in there, we had time to explore the nearby Tulip Museum, which was cute but pretty boring. They had an amazing gift shop though! We got a lot of photos in there too and I'm sure some of them will be featuring in cNotes soon! The reason I wanted to go to Amsterdam was because I wanted to visit Anne Frank House. I've had an interest in her ever since I read the diary when I was about 14 or 15, so around the same age she was when she wrote it. That was a powerful experience for me as a teenager and I felt a real connection with Anne. I then reread her diary ten years later and also read Anne Frank Remembered by Miep Gies and Anne Frank: The Biography by Melissa Müller, plus any other book I could find about her, her diary, her life and her family! Yeah, I'm a bit obsessed. I'd say Anne Frank is one of my "Aspie special interests." I knew the rooms were unfurnished and felt a little disappointed about that as I would have liked to have had more of idea about what life was like for them. However, before going in, I read in the museum brochure that Otto Frank had insisted the rooms remained empty to symbolise the void left by the millions of people who were deported and never returned. Wow. That really moved me and I'm glad I read it before we went in. Touring the house was an emotional and powerful experience for me. I can't really describe what I was feeling. It was intense. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to go there though and it was incredible to see the actual diary, that has given us so much and means so much to many different people. We needed a break after that to gather our thoughts so had something to eat and drink in the cafe. I spent too much money in the gift shop but purchased an award winning documentary, which I am really looking forward to watching. After that we took some photos of the outside of the house (photography wasn't allowed inside) and then we went to find the nearby Homomonument, which is a memorial to commemorate all the gay men and lesbians who have been persecuted because of their homosexuality. That was beautiful and so impressive. And really cool! That evening we walked around the Jordaan district and took in the lovely sights and found somewhere to have dinner. We had a HUGE Indian meal, which ended up making me feel very ill, but the less said about that, the better! After that we headed back into the centre of the city as we hoped to catch the 9:30pm canal boat tour. Unfortunately it left early and then it started raining but we decided to wait for the next one. There was a model cow by the canal, which cheered me up and made me think of home, even though it wasn't concrete (and that probably doesn't make much sense unless you're a Brit and know what my hometown is famous for!) The canal boat tour was lovely and the bridges looked spectacular all lit up. We got back to the hotel pretty late and crashed! I slept so well the whole time we were away! And I think I'll blog about our last two days tomorrow.  |
| Amsterdam was AMAZING! I'll blog in more detail about it over the next few days. The highlight for me though was visiting Anne Frank house. And I really liked flying! Tomorrow I have my interview so please wish me luck. I'm soooooo nervous!  |
In about 9 hours I'll be on a plane to Amsterdam with Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC!  . This will be my first time abroad and my first time flying... I'm sooooooo nervous! But excited too!  |
| My contest has gotten off to a flying start -- fifteen entries already and it has only been open for two days! I hope this continues. I've had a headache for over a week now and it's really starting to drag me down. I think it's stress. Today I spent two mind-numbingly boring hours at the job centre while my advisor tried to help me prepare for my interview and feel less terrified about it. TWO HOURS! I lost the will to live in there. Nobody should have to spend two hours straight in the job centre -- even the people who work there! I felt like my advisor was dragging the appointment out and I can think of two reasons why she might have wanted to do this -- 1. she had other work she didn't want to do and the stuff she was helping me with was hardly taxing and therefore more preferable or 2. she has a crush on me. I think it's the first one! Just kidding about the second one! Though she does really seem to like me a lot. I think that's probably because I am nothing like the average job centre client seeing as I'm somewhat intelligent, non-chavvy and highly motivated to get to where I can work. But that's judgemental of me! Before I went to my appointment I bought a Big Issue magazine from a homeless man. I didn't know whether to tell him that his spot near the job centre is a really bad one seeing as the majority of people passing by are probably unemployed and lacking in money. But I didn't just in case he has no say in where he can sell. He was really sweet and I'm glad I stopped because he seemed to be invisible to everyone else. He was still there two hours later, after my appointment, and he called out to me and said thanks again and also "God bless". I smiled and nodded (as I was incapable of speech by then). Now I can't stop thinking about him. However shit my life is, at least I have a place to call home. Everyone should have that. |
That would be moi!  It's for the science research assistant position I applied for almost two weeks ago.I am stunned! I had given up hope. I thought that such a great job, with such a good salary, was bound to attract a huge number of applicants, many of them overqualified, and that I was kidding myself thinking I stood a chance. But I stand a chance! And maybe there were a lot of applicants? And maybe lots of overqualified people did apply? Maybe, just maybe, I can actually write a decent application. I'm beginning to suspect I can seeing as I've been invited to interview for all of the five jobs I've applied for recently. I just wish I was as good at interviews! Anyway, it's on October 7th. The timing is perfect as I'll be back from Amsterdam by then. Also, Mark will still be here so will be able to come with me on the drive. It's in Hertfordshire and I've never been there before so would feel much better having someone come along with me -- just for the journey, not to the actual interview! But I'm absolutely going for it. I don't know if I'm healthy enough to hold down this job but I'm going to pretend to myself I am, try my hardest, see what happens and deal with whatever the outcome is whenever it er... comes out(?!) Damn, I'm so nervous though! It's a panel interview -- three very science-y and academic-y sounding people. I'm trying to get hold of my jobcentre advisor but of course she isn't answering her phone! I feel like I want to laugh or cry or run around or leap about or something. Perhaps I should do all at once and really freak the dog out?! I'm just a bundle of nerves and emotion and I don't know what to think. I feel so mixed up. I just wish, wish, wish I was in a better place with my health. But that's not pretending that I am... Ok... this job is perfect for me and I can handle it. I'm going to ace my interview, get a job I can do and will love and get my life back on track. Screw you, mental illness! |
| Yesterday I came across the most hilarious argument in a forum I sometimes browse (though never, ever post in). I won’t go into detail as it was kind of “x-rated” but I have been left astounded at the lack of knowledge some people have of female human anatomy. Seriously, twenty-something year old women don’t know what’s “down there”?! Just… oh my god! It was hysterically funny and worrying at the same time. I am worried for humanity. Our education systems are failing! My appointment today was awful. Awful. I came away from it feeling like someone had been repeatedly punching me in the head. I didn't feel comfortable with the psychologist at all and therefore could hardly speak. So I went into “I don’t know” mode. But I managed to tell her how having five deaths in my family between 2005-2009, three of them within six months of each other, definitely contributed to my depression and her response to that was, “how did that make you feel?” Um… depressed. Did I not just say that?! Just the absurdity of that question in relation to what I’d told her made me want to laugh or cry! I don’t know why but the question just felt offensive to me. And ridiculous. The worst thing though was that she was clearly underweight herself and having someone preach at me about how unhealthy it is to be underweight when they are in the same situation was both bizarre and annoying. I just don’t appreciate being told I’m too skinny by some skinny-arsed bitch, especially if she’s skinnier than me, lol!But that’s enough about the huge, steaming pile of cow dung that was my day. Here’s some good stuff: round 3 of my contest is open.
Hopefully it will be as successful as previous years. I am in need of entries and donations to make that so! Also, my first cNote shop is now open and I have had my first customer. So, yay! Thank you first customer!
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| I'm planning on opening my first cNote shop very soon. It has been a labour of love! Well, lots of labour, some love! I'm a perfectionist so I'm not entirely happy with it. If anyone reading this gets the chance, could you please take a look at it and let me know what you think? The passkey is 3087:
Please be honest! I'm worried the images are too small and I hate the text on the "Good Luck" one but can't be bothered to change it right now. I'm not sure about the "Miss You" one either. And if anyone can think up a better title, please let me know. Thank you. Edit: The shop is now open! Thanks so much to everyone who sent me feedback. |
| I plan on cleaning up the language of my blog sometime so that I can give it an 18+ rating again but for now I just want to say: for fuck's sake! My schedule for this week is clearly not anxiety-inducing enough because now I have two other things to worry about and deal with: tomorrow the piano tuner is due to arrive before my mum gets back from work and on Thursday afternoon, I have to wait in for the electrician. Neither of these things should be a big deal but they are when you have Asperger Syndrome, OCD and anxiety. I hate people coming to the house. My appointment this morning went okay as far as I can tell. I got weighed, had my height measured and my BMI calculated for about the millionth time! And had my blood pressure taken for the thousandth time! Plus I had another ECG. They also took a swab from my nose. Ew!  I had to fill in a questionnaire about my health etc. I don't want a general anaesthetic. I did tell them that. The nurse told me to discuss it with the surgeon on the day but I'd rather know in advance! I have had a general anaesthetic before (when I had my appendix out) but I'm still nervous... urgh... and would rather avoid it if at all possible.I haven't heard anything about the job I applied for. I can't win either way in this situation: if I don't hear anything I'll be depressed that my application wasn't good enough but if I do hear, I'll be depressed that I'm a step closer to a job I'd love to do but probably am not healthy enough to do. So, urgh again, I think. I've just started reading part one of A Storm of Swords from "A song of Ice and Fire". I've alternated reading a book from the series with something completely different so I don't have too much of a good thing! I think I'd get burned out if I read all the books in the series back-to-back. It's nice to be reading it again though! I'm going to shut up now because I can't be bothered to say anything else... |
| Last night I dreamed I was pregnant. Freaky! Don't get me wrong, I would love to be a mum, but not right now! I want to be healthy, working and living with my partner before that happens... so it will probably never happen! But even if by some miracle I do manage to sort my life out, I'm not sure if I'll ever have children. I think maybe it would be selfish... I would be terrified about passing on my predisposition to mental illness. Depression runs in my family. I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy, so I can't bear the thought of my future child having to deal with it. But then I can't bear the thought of a life without children either. My weekend has been spent building a wardrobe with my mum. I now have a four-door wardrobe! It looks amazing except we can't get the doors right so we're calling in the professionals to do that! It's HUGE! And I am loving all my extra storage space. It's going to take me a while to get used to just how big it looks though! For the past three weeks I have been taking part in the "Wdc 13th Birthday Masquerade Ball" . I'm one of the murder suspects and I wrote my third and last journal entry on Friday. It was so much fun! I'm kind of sad it's over but I'm looking forward to the big reveal! I liked being a meaner, darker, edgier version of myself! I've never done anything like that before so I'm really glad I was asked to take part. Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital. I'm having a pre-operative assessment. Yeah, I might be having a surgical procedure. I'm almost certainly having a general anaesthetic so my problem can be "investigated". This is one of the reasons I had my epic panic attack earlier this week. Then on Tuesday I'm going back to my horse-y volunteer work, which will be the first session back since the summer holidays. This is something else I'm incredibly anxious about because I'm worried I've forgotten everything I learned. Plus there will be a new group of children to get used to! On Wednesday I have my eating disorder assessment in Aylesbury, which is about 40 minutes away. Worrying about this also contributed to my anxiety attack but thankfully that has partly been relieved as my care worker is able to drive me there. Though I've driven that way before, I've never done it by myself and I've never had to drive there for an appointment that I'm dreading! So I'm feeling somewhat better about it now I don't have to worry about finding it and getting there on time etc. But I'm still terrified about the actual appointment. And I'm not looking forward to spending 40 minutes each way in the car with my care worker! Oh well...And then on Thursday I have my other voluntary work, of course. I'm not looking forward to facing the leader as she was also affected by my extreme anxiety attack. I don't really want to go into the whole situation, but yeah... I feel awkward and embarrassed about it. So I have a difficult week to get through. But the thought of my holiday to Amsterdam with Mark is keeping me going at the moment. After that... I'm not sure. I'm trying not to think that far ahead right now! |
I my dog! Isn't she adorable? Don't know what I'd do without her! |
| I am so sick of feeling like crap! Thankfully my anxiety has reduced a lot but I've been left with a killer headache, a sore neck and shoulders, dizziness and severe indigestion. I really don't need this right now! I just really, really don't feel well and I'm not coping... in case you couldn't tell! Another effect of such an extreme anxiety attack is that I have no appetite. Seeing as I'm screwed up when it comes to eating, I'm actually quite enjoying this. It is making restricting my food intake very easy. My mood has CRASHED. I know, I know... I sound like a broken record! I saw my care worker this morning so was able to apologise for how idiotic I was on the phone yesterday. She was actually quite nice to me today, and concerned. I wish I hadn't told her I'm eating even less than normal at the moment though. She pretty much warned me to be very careful and said if I continue like this with my eating, plus refusing to take certain medications, I will end up being hospitalised. Scary. But all this has done is make me think that I should probably start lying about my eating habits and just pretend I'm taking the medication! Silly, I know. Everything is starting to get out of my control and I am freaking out. My care worker said she'd email the psychiatrist to see if I can get an urgent appointment. He can only be contacted by email, which is kind of ridiculous. I don't want to see him though because I'm tired of medication. I have tried so many and fuck knows what the effect has been on my body. I wouldn't say no to sleeping pills though, haha!I don't even know why I'm blogging about this. Why must I insist on mentally unravelling in public? I guess it's because very few people in my offline life know how much I'm struggling and here I can just vent and get it all out. I worry what people here must think of me though... I don't know why I have turned into such an attention-seeker. For the first six years of my depression I didn't tell a single soul about what I was going through. I kept everything locked inside. I don't know if that was better or worse than how things are now. Perhaps I should try locking it away again? |
| I've had such a tough week. I don't remember my anxiety ever being this bad, even when I was coming towards the end of my degree and having nightly mental breakdowns as I struggled to finish my last few assignments, including my big research paper that I had to get a passing grade point for to graduate. But perhaps time has dulled just how awful that was... So yeah, my anxiety levels have been ridiculous. This morning I saw my GP, instead of going to my voluntary work, and he reassured me that there isn't anything wrong with my heart. I'm so embarrassed because when he was listening to my chest I forgot to breathe and he had to remind me to breathe normally! I think it was just because I tense up when people come near me so I just naturally held my breath when he was closer than I'm comfortable with. But I feel like such an idiot for doing that!  Somebody please tell me this isn't as embarrassing as I think it is!!! We talked a bit about my anxiety but he didn't really feel like he could do much because he's worried about contradicting the mental health team. He just smiled sadly when I said they don't do anything. He's probably heard that a lot! Anyway, he's said to try discussing things with them and see what the psychiatrist says but to speak to him if they don't do anything. He told me there are certain anxiety medications they are trying to "move away from" but he might consider prescribing something for a short period of time, just while the anxiety is so severe. He told me to call my support worker... So I did... and pretty much had a breakdown on the phone. She was useless, of course. But one benefit of calling her was that it totally wore me out so my body literally couldn't stay in such a high state of anxiety and I went to bed for a bit. I couldn't sleep but I felt like I could rest a bit, which I seriously needed. When I got up I felt slightly calmer and was able to eat a scone and then walk Jade. This evening I had a therapy session and it was great! I'm in shock! It is almost inconceivable to me that therapy can actually go well. Previously I have always left counselling sessions feeling frustrated with myself for hardly being able to talk and distressed about the things I did manage to say. But not today! And I tackled some really painful things. I even managed to say a word associated with my trauma that I have never been able to say before to a therapist. This might sound weird, but that particular word is kind of "taboo" in my mind. The fact that I actually felt comfortable and safe enough to say it to someone has blown me away. I think this woman has magical powers! After such a shitty week, I really needed this. So I'm feeling slightly more positive now and a bit calmer. I feel physically crap. My chest and shoulders are killing me and I have a major headache but I think these are the result of being so tense for three days straight. I'm still having a little trouble relaxing and I'm totally exhausted but I'm so relieved that the anxiety has reduced a bit because I seriously couldn't have continued in that state for much longer. I really, really hope I'll be able to sleep tonight. *fingers crossed* |
| I'm not dying! I called NHS 111 (there is a lot of controversy about this service at the moment and now I understand why!) I described my symptoms but was very careful letting them know that I do have anxiety and that I was pretty sure I wasn't having a heart attack. But after assessing me the health advisor said she'd send an ambulance and I said I didn't think that was necessary. So she said she'd get a clinician. I spoke to a nurse and described my symptoms again and she said she wanted to send an ambulance. Gah! So I said again I didn't think it was necessary and asked could I not just go to the hospital. She said things would be more complicated if I got worse on the way to the hospital and pretty much bullied me into consenting to the ambulance. So two paramedics showed up and I had my blood pressure taken, my heart rate measured and an ECG. My heart rate is still high but otherwise I'm ok. They didn't think I needed to go to the hospital but said I could either go to the urgent care centre now to get checked over more thoroughly or see my GP tomorrow. I've opted to see my GP tomorrow. I feel so embarrassed. My mum has been great though, reassuring me that I did the right thing calling for advice and that it was out of my control that they wanted to send an ambulance. So I'm not dying but I kind of wish I was because I really can't cope with my life anymore. |
| I have been having a panic attack for five hours straight. This is the longest panic attack I've ever had and I'm exhausted. I'm debating whether to go and get checked out at the hospital or walk-in centre just because my GP did say my heart rate was high and wants to me to get an ECG. Perhaps this isn't anxiety. Perhaps I'm actually dying. That would be rather inconvenient since I just reopened my contest, but... shit happens. I'm sure people will understand! I just want my heart to stop racing and my chest to stop feeling tight and achy. I want to stop feeling like I'm trying to swallow something the size of my fist. I want my head to stop feeling cluttered. At this point I don't really care whether I get what I want because I miraculously start feeling better or because I drop dead. I just want it to STOP!  |
| I've decided to open my contest, "Invalid Item" again this year, even though it caused me a tremendous amount of stress when I ran it back in 2010 and again in 2011. I kept it closed for 2012 because I knew I wouldn't cope that year. Now I'm already regretting starting it back up! I'm anxious about how much work it is... oh well... It should be fun as long as I don't put too much pressure on myself. That's what sucks the fun out of it! Round 3 starts on September 25th. Please consider entering. Or if you're not a poet, tell your poet friends about it! Oh, and if you are feeling especially kind and generous, please consider donating some gift points as I would love to increase the prizes. And I will send a merit badge to anyone who donates 50K or more. The merit badge will be paid for with my own personal gps, not the contest fund! I really want the contest to do well. I had over 100 entries for round 1 and over 60 for round 2. Although it creates an awful lot of work, the more entries I have, the better, because then winning really means something. And I want the contest to be special. So it's worth the effort and stress in the end.
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