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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : A popular or classic author I'm embarrassed to admit I've never read is... Charles Dickens     I'm not sure it's strictly true that I haven't read anything by Dickens, to be honest! I may have read and studied Oliver Twist when I was in middle school and I may also have read A Christmas Carol but I'm not sure. I certainly know the stories but I don't actually remember reading them. So I'm still going with Dickens for this prompt because I feel that as a Brit and also as someone who is interested in social matters and social change, I should really be more familiar with Dickens' work! I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm embarrassed to admit I haven't read any (or a lot) of his work though because there is so much to read and I'm still relatively young so am bound to have gaps in my "reading education". I have read an awful lot of the "classical" novels and feel proud of that but can't possibly have read all of them and never will and I'm not ashamed of that! I'm not sure why I have put off reading Dickens to be honest. I enjoy novels that can be seen as "social commentaries" and I am very interested in the Victorian period so I think that I am likely to enjoy his work a lot. I suppose I just feel that they may take a bit of mental effort and that my concentration may not be up to the challenge. But I am very interested in reading (or rereading) Oliver Twist and I am intrigued by Bleak House. I will definitely read that at some point. It would be good if I could get into Dickens because then I'll have a lot more reading material on my to-read list (that's a good thing!) I think that even though Dickens was writing in different times, a lot of his work is probably still relevant today. We still have poverty in the UK, with more and more people needing to use food banks to ensure they can put food on the table for their families. That's shocking to me and sad that even in this day and age there is still so much social inequality. Many people are being failed by today's society, as they were back then. It is sad that novels written in Victorian times are still pertinent to modern times to some extent. Of course things have improved a lot, but we have a long way to go. That's all I feel I can say on an author I haven't read yet (or read much of!) I am looking forward to becoming more familiar with Dickens' work.  ~  ~(Edited to add) Non-prompt entry: I am not feeling too well at the moment.  Over the last few days I have had shooting pains in my chest and eye and also an almost constant headache. I considered going to the Urgent Care Centre about my eye because I don't think you should mess around with eyes but then I decided against it because I can't deal with any judgements made around my anxiety issues and depression. As I've said before, my mental health diagnoses seem to serve as a black mark on my medical record and I do not get taken seriously over physical problems. I feel like there is a big notice on my medical record saying: DO NOT TAKE THIS PATIENT'S PHYSICAL PROBLEMS SERIOUSLY BECAUSE SHE IS MENTALLY ILL! I think health professionals can sometimes forget that it is possible for people with mental health problems to get physical problems too. Now, I realise most of my physical problems probably are connected to my mental health problems but I would still like to be treated with the open-mindedness and respect that non-mental health patients get treated with. I still want my physical problems to be investigated thoroughly just in case they are being caused by something that is treatable. And even if there seems to be no physiological cause for my physical problems, I still want to be treated with compassion because I am feeling genuine symptoms. Is that too much to ask? I am seeing my GP on Tuesday and will try to raise some of my problems with him if I am feeling brave. I definitely want to mention my eye because I am pretty worried about that. My GP does at least treat me with compassion and respect but I have leaned on him so much for support with my mental health problems, due to not being supported adequately by the mental health team, that I feel worried about overwhelming him! How ridiculous!  If the mental health team were doing their job I would not need to see my GP about my mental health as much as I do and he would be able to focus on my physical issues.So I'm pretty miserable at the moment.  Sympathy and virtual hugs are very welcome! |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : My favorite author is... Kazuo Ishiguro I actually have several favourite authors and it is hard to choose between them! I think from my responses to previous prompts that it's clear I'm a huge fan of John Steinbeck. I also love John Irving, Ken Kesey, J.K. Rowling, Daphne du Maurier, J.D. Salinger and Ian McEwan among others. But I'm going with Kazuo Ishiguro for this prompt. Kazuo Ishiguro is a Japanese-born British writer who has written six novels in total. I have read them all, particularly enjoying The Remains of the Day which is one of my favourite books and one I have already blogged about (and raved over!) several times, including earlier on in this challenge! I also love An Artist of the Floating World, A Pale View Of Hills and Never Let Me Go. The other two, The Unconsoled and When We Were Orphans were just a little bit too obscure for me but I still enjoyed aspects of them and can appreciate they were well written, even if I didn't fully "get" them. I will definitely revisit them at some point. What I love about Ishiguro is his very distinct style. I think I could probably recognise his writing even if his name wasn't attached to it! His books tend to have a rather offbeat, otherworldly feel to them, as if they are set in a slightly skewed version of the real world. This often makes for unsettling reading! I feel that you have to stay on your toes when reading an Ishiguro novel otherwise you might miss something important or not pick up on something subtle, buried underneath something else. He tends to use the "unreliable narrator" technique and you can never be sure that the narrator is telling the truth or remembering things correctly. Some people might find this frustrating but I find it fascinating and feel it reflects real life and the way our memories work. This technique is used to awesome effect in An Artist of the Floating World. Although it is written in the first person, you get a completely different sense and picture of the narrator to the one he is trying to present through his narrative and it is genius! I have no idea how the writer pulls it off but it is perfectly executed! On the one hand you have the narrator telling us how great he is, but on the other hand you start to realise that maybe that isn't quite true. I've only read this book once but I must, must, must read it again at some point because it is incredible! His books often leave me feeling rather off-balance but I like that! I like books that give me a lot to think about. I found that with A Pale View of Hills, which is a difficult book and a strange one, but beautifully written. This is another one that I have to revisit because I feel it is the type of book that you get more from each time you read it. I didn't fully understand this book but I don't think you're supposed to. And somehow it still left me with a range of emotions, even if I wasn't entirely sure why I was feeling what I ended up feeling! I find that emotions rather creep up on me when reading Ishiguro's novels. Nothing is explicit. This is certainly true of The Remains of the Day. I blogged about a scene in this book about two years ago and what I said then is very relevant to the point I am making on subtlety, so here it is again, from "Invalid Entry" :It’s amazing to me that in such a powerful love story, the only moment the characters touch and the only moment that can be seen as overtly sexual is when Miss Kenton prises a book from Mr Stevens’ hands that he doesn't want her to see. This is one of the best scenes I have ever read. Ever! It’s fraught with emotion and sexual tension. And it’s purely a tussle over a book! It’s incredible! It’s so heartbreaking. You just want to grab Mr Stevens and shake him and shout “let her in! Just let her in and tell her how you feel!” The characters don't express their feelings for each other or become intimate and yet it is still clear that they love each other and I think it is incredible how the author manages to convey that without spelling it out. He really is a master at subtlety! Anyway, apparently Kazuo Ishiguro's seventh novel is going to be published next year. It's called The Buried Giant according to Wikipedia and I can't wait to read it!  This will be his first novel since 2005.  Thankfully he did have a short story collection published in 2009 though, which I also loved, but he doesn't seem to be especially prolific. Maybe that's not a bad thing though as long as everything he writes continues to be such high quality!I hope I have managed to convey how much I love this writer and I hope if you haven't read anything by him then you will check out his work! I would recommend starting with The Remains of the Day. |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : The first author from whom I've read multiple books is... Enid Blyton Yep, I'm counting children's writers for this prompt! I read from a very young age so there are probably other authors from whom I've read multiple books but Enid Blyton is definitely one of the first. When I was very young it was all about The Wishing Chair books -- stories about a magical chair that can grow wings and fly, taking the two children, Mollie and Peter, on adventures. I remember being very young and reading The Wishing Chair Again all by myself. I felt so proud when I'd finished it and rushed to tell my mum that I'd read it all with no help! That is quite a vivid memory for me.I loved The Magic Faraway Tree and was surprised just now when I googled it to see that the characters' names have been changed in recent editions. No more Jo, Bessie, Dick and Fanny! Now it's Joe, Beth, Rick and Frannie! In some ways I can see why as some of those names are old-fashioned. Also I suppose these days most kids would see Dick and Fanny as crude slang words for body parts and not know them as names for people. I feel in some ways that that's a shame. I remember giggling at the names as a child but I was mature enough to get over it pretty quick and just enjoy the story. Enid Blyton's works were pretty quaint even when I was young but I didn't mind. Are we really at a point where we think children won't understand that times and attitudes change? Do we not want to teach them that? That's pretty sad. As I got older I moved on to reading the Malory Towers and Naughtiest Girl books and I absolutely adored these! Blyton made me want to attend boarding school -- she made it seem like so much fun. I actually reread the Malory Towers series recently and am not ashamed to admit that -- I'm still a big kid at heart!  I know that Enid Blyton's work has been criticised as being racist, xenophobic and sexist among other things but we shouldn't forget she was very much a writer of her time and would not write like that if she was writing today. I feel that even though she did adopt the bigoted attitudes prevalent at the time she was writing it was not through a maliciousness on her part but just ignorance. In a way I feel that we shouldn't hide it away but learn from it and understand it was a different time and be thankful for how things have changed and the progress that has been made. I sometimes feel political correctness can go too far. I read her books avidly as a child and can honestly say I wasn't affected by the gender stereotypes in anyway. And I also grew up to be one of the least judgemental people on the planet... perhaps because I'm smart enough to question and reflect on the things I read! I want any future children of mine to read Enid Blyton and not the modernised editions. I would like my children to experience how writing changes and to appreciate literature of the past. I want them to understand how attitudes and beliefs change. I also want them to be able to read some damn good stories! And that's all I have to say on this. ~ ~Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Let's talk~ How do you start conversations with strangers? What topics do you avoid? Is it easier with one gender or another? Start conversations with strangers?! Are you serious?! What is this madness?! Haha! Just kidding. But, surprise, surprise, (  ) I'm not great at starting conversations. I tend to wait for other people to start them and then just muddle my way through the intense awkwardness as best as I can. I have noticed most conversations between strangers tend to start with one person asking what the other does for a living. This is hard for me due to being unemployed and very ashamed of that. But I am learning to view my voluntary work as equal to paid work. I'm not quite there yet but I think I will get there. I know rationally that my work is just as valid as anyone else's... and I'm working for reasons other than money so that must count for something! I just feel that a lot of people look down on the unemployed because of how we are portrayed in the media. So many people are influenced by that even if they claim not to be or even feel that they are not. Subconsciously they do not understand unemployment due to illness. But I'm getting off topic here...So I prefer to avoid the topic of employment but this can rarely happen as a person's job tends to be so tied in with their identity. Otherwise I can't really think of any topics I would avoid. I know I once found myself talking to a very homophobic person who seemed to think I would be sympathetic to his views but I soon set him straight on that. I'm not afraid to put my views forward, even if they are drastically different to the views of the person I am conversing with.I can't say I find it easier to start a conversation with one gender over the other either -- I am equally bad at starting and maintaining conversations with both! My conversations always feel very forced, stilted and overly formal to me. I wish I could change that but I have no idea how. People are just uncomfortable around me no matter what I try and I don't know why. I can't fix something if I don't fully understand the problem. Asperger Syndrome is not something that can be cured. I can work on my social skills and improve them a lot but there are always going to be certain things I struggle with when it comes to social communication. I need to accept that and I think I am getting there. |
| I took a trip down Memory Lane yesterday and visited my University city with Mark. Having not been there since 2009 it was a very strange experience! And an emotional one, to be honest. A lot of it is still the same as it was when I was living and studying there, but there have been some big changes too. There is a huge new science building, which looks very impressive and there is a new cafe on campus too. Even the atrium of the library has changed! It was a little disorientating being somewhere that was so familiar to me and seeing the way it had changed. Unfortunately it was pouring down but Mark and I didn't let that put us off! We walked up to see where I used to live and then we walked over to the other campus to look at where I lived in Halls in my first year. That campus had a few subtle changes too, which was weird! We got absolutely soaked though and that wasn't fun at all. My damn coat isn't waterproof anymore! Grrrrrr.The best thing though was meeting up with my two amazing friends, C---- and E---. I had not seen them since 2009 either, though we have vaguely kept in touch through Facebook, so we had a lot of catching up to do. But they are the sort of friends where you can just pick up from where you left off and it felt like old times. They've just had a baby, who is now a month old, and we got to meet her and I got to have a cuddle with her, which was lovely. We also met E---'s eleven year old son and he was the most awesome kid! Honestly, Mark and I were so impressed with how polite, thoughtful and intelligent he is. I've never met a kid like him. It was so lovely to see them and I am glad to be back in touch with them properly. I'm going to make sure we stay in touch properly this time. I want to keep up with their lives and see the kids grow up. When E--- hugged me goodbye I made sure to say, "let's not leave it another five years" and she agreed. It was a long day and was the biggest trip I've done so far as a driver, so that was a big achievement. I think I drove around 240 miles in total and had to be on the motorway a lot, which I found pretty nerve-wracking. On the way there it rained a lot and I hated that! Driving on a busy motorway with seriously reduced visibility was not fun and not an experience I want to repeat again! The drive back was worse. I was pretty tired at this point and also cold as my clothes were still damp thanks to walking about in the rain. Also, it was dark and I hate driving in the dark. Some parts of the motorway were really poorly lit and I felt unsettled because I couldn't see the lane lines in my mirror. The most horrible parts though were driving on the long, winding 60 mile per hour roads. With all the bends in the road and getting dazzled by the headlights of oncoming traffic, I got pretty panicky to be honest and had a short anxiety attack, though I managed to keep my focus on driving thankfully. We stopped at a service station not long after that so I could recover. I got us home in one piece so that's the main thing! I am very proud of myself for doing such a long drive. It was a good day and though I feel sad about how much my life has changed since then and how bad things have gotten for me healthwise, it feels wonderful to know I have two brilliant friends who I think are the kind of friends who will be here for me no matter what. I need to keep hold of them!  |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : A popular or classic author I really don't like is... Jodi Picoult Some time ago Mark read a book that he said was amazing and had made him cry. Not a lot in fiction makes Mark cry and I, of course, love emotional books that make me cry, so it really seemed like something I needed to check out! That book was My sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. Now I know Jodi Picoult is a hugely popular author and I personally know a few people who enjoy her work, including two of my cousins, but based on My Sister's Keeper I have to conclude that she is not for me! I did not get on with that book at all and believe that Picoult missed an opportunity to explore an incredibly interesting and controversial topic. The premise is great. The central character, Anna, wants to become emancipated from her parents because she is expected to donate a kidney to her older sister who has cancer. Anna was born specifically to be a "saviour sibling" in order to donate organs or cells or whatever her sister needs. I thought the idea of that was fascinating but it really isn't a book about that after all. *Spoiler alert!* As it turns out, Anna's sister has asked her to sue for emancipation because she doesn't think she'll survive. Um... so why didn't she just tell her parents her fears and wishes rather than putting her family through hell? I felt like Picoult wanted the character Anna to be some kind of saint and was way too afraid of making her flawed or unlikeable in any way. She managed to completely sidestep the issue of "saviour siblings" by taking the book in another direction and I think that was a big mistake. I feel it should have been a book about whether it's right to have a child just for medical reasons and whether it is selfish of that child to want to stop being used in that way. But those themes do not really get explored because of course darling Anna couldn't possibly be "selfish" enough to condemn her sister to further illness or even death because she is tired of being used and unwilling to go through a dangerous medical procedure that could result in her own death. Now if the author had stuck to exploring that theme it might have been a better book and I might consider her a better writer. I feel she was a coward, really!So although I have only read one Jodi Picoult book I don't think I especially want to read anymore! I don't think My Sister's Keeper was badly written in terms of style etc, and there were a few bits that moved me emotionally but, I just feel it failed on too many levels! Perhaps it is harsh to judge on author on just one book but I don't see why I should try any more of her work when there are so many other books to try! |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : The author whose work I've read the most is... John Steinbeck I sooooooooo don't want to blog right now as I am exhausted! So please forgive me if this is a bit of a lame entry. I have already blogged about John Steinbeck for this challenge as I have mentioned two of his books already, East of Eden and Of Mice and Men. He is one of my favourite authors and I have already stated in earlier blog entries just why I love his work and I'm pretty sure he is the author whose work I have read the most, in terms of how many of his books I have read, rather than how many times I've read them! Though except for possibly JK Rowling, I have probably read Steinbeck's books more times than I have read the work of any other writer. He was a genius and I have gotten so much from the books I have read, which so far is ten, though I plan on reading everything he wrote if I can. The ten I have read are:  The Pastures of Heaven The Red Pony Tortilla Flat Of Mice and Men The Grapes of Wrath The Moon Is Down Cannery Row The Pearl East of Eden Sweet ThursdayI enjoyed all of them but especially Of Mice and Men, The Grapes of Wrath, The Moon is Down, Cannery Row, Sweet Thursday and East of Eden. I love Steinbeck's quirky characters (for example Doc from Cannery Row) and I love how he explored human nature in his writing, using vast themes but always in a way that is easy to connect to. Oh damn I wish I wasn't so tired because there is so much more I could say but my brain isn't functioning and my eyes are killing me. It has been a long, emotional day and I have done a lot of travelling but I will maybe blog about that tomorrow! And hopefully I'll do a better challenge entry tomorrow too. |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : My favorite book of all time is... I have three favourite books and I have put off responding to this prompt all week while I have agonised over which one to blog about but I can’t choose between them and I can’t write about one without writing about the others. So sorry if this is cheating but I am going to write a little about each one! Please be aware there are spoilers in this entry. My three favourite books are:East of Eden by John Steinbeck The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey East of Eden by John Steinbeck is one of the most perfect books ever written, in my opinion, and I have read it countless times. It has a gripping plot, a richness of language, a beautiful, almost folklore-like tone and the most wonderfully realised, complex characters that just walk straight off the page. But the best thing about it is the understated, perfect, heart-stopping, emotional ending that gets under the skin and never leaves! I've already said that I believe Steinbeck was a master at creating characters but I also feel he was an absolute master at the knockout ending. East of Eden ends with one word spoken by a character and then one closing sentence and it is perfect, absolutely perfect. I cry every time! I could not have dreamed of a better ending! Anyway, here is one of my favourite quotes: “But the Hebrew word, the word timshel—‘Thou mayest’— that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’—it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not.” I love this quote and it pretty much sums up the main theme of the book! Huge themes are explored in East of Eden and with such style! Unfortunately I have not read this book for a long time but I plan on rereading it very soon. I have missed it! The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro is one of the most perfect books ever written, in my opinion, and I have read it countless times. This is one of the most devastating books I have ever read! But it is so understated—the emotions just sort of crept up on me and took hold, never letting go. The ending absolutely destroyed my heart! In fact, after I’d read this book for the first time, I felt so devastated by it that I vowed never to read it again! But as time passed I started wondering, can a book really be that powerful? I had to read it again and it had the exact same effect on me! But still I put myself through the pain, returning to this novel again and again. At its core it is a love story—a beautiful, tragic story of unrealised love. I get to a certain line near the end and just burst into tears and then continue crying until I have finished reading it. That happens every time! So why do I love a book that makes me feel so devastated? I think I just love that a book can make me feel to that extent. It is wonderful to feel so caught up in a story and the characters’ lives. I am in awe of Kazuo Ishiguro. Here is my favourite quote from the book and the part I cry at every time: Indeed — why should I not admit it? — in that moment, my heart was breaking. This hits like a freight train because up until this moment the narrator, Stevens, has been incredibly emotionally closed off, to the point where you just want to shake him and shout at him to tell Miss Kenton how he feels. The ending is devastating because Stevens doesn't learn anything or if he does, he just buries it down deep and refuses to, or can't, change. He goes home to live his lonely life in exactly the same way he has lived it up until that point and that is utterly tragic to me. I can't bear to think of him alone and heartbroken forever. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey is one of the most perfect books ever written, in my opinion, and I have read it countless times. It contains just about one of the coolest characters ever created: Randle McMurphy. He is the ultimate loveable rogue. He's a lawbreaker faking mental illness so he can avoid a prison sentence because he feels serving his sentence in the hospital would be an easier ride—so not the most pleasant person—but at heart he is a good guy and you come to realise this through his interactions with the other characters. I love the style of this book and there are so many awesome quotes. But there is one line that absolutely breaks my heart and makes me cry and it is probably my favourite moment in the book because you get to see the soul of the character McMurphy and you get to understand just what kind of toll the whole experience is having on him—it certainly doesn't turn out to be how he was expecting. That line is here: Then—as he was talking—a set of tail-lights going past lit up McMurphy's face, and the windshield reflected an expression that was allowed only because he figured it'd be too dark for anybody in the car to see, dreadfully tired and strained and frantic, like there wasn't enough time left for something he had to do... It gets me every time! I love the simplicity of it and how one small detail can have such an impact. I feel that the tone of the book really changes at this point. Up until that moment it has been rather funny but things suddenly get a lot darker and the ending is truly shocking. This is another book that really gets under the skin. So there you go... my three favourite books of all time! They are three very different books in terms of their styles and plots but they have a lot in common too. Each book has a character I completely connect to on an emotional level and that is one of the most important things for me when reading—I want to feel what the character is feeling and I want to care about them and their personal journey. Each of the three books I have blogged about here holds a special place in my heart and I wish I could say more on them but I am very tired and my brain isn't functioning too well. I'll just finish by saying sometimes I feel so daunted by them—how could I ever write anything as powerful as what Steinbeck, Ishiguro and Kesey achieved?—but mostly I just feel inspired. Reading these books makes me want to strive to be the best writer I can possibly be. I want my writing to have an impact on someone in the same way these works have had an impact on me. |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : A book I've always wanted to read but haven't yet is... Sailor Song by Ken Kesey I had to give this prompt some thought because nothing immediately sprang to mind. Usually if I especially want to read a book I will just read it, not put it off! But then I suddenly had three titles come to mind: Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham, The Folding Star by Alan Hollinghurst and Sailor Song by Ken Kesey. These are all books I am very excited about reading but haven't read yet because my concentration has been so bad thanks to my depression and anxiety. I want to read Of Human Bondage because I know it is considered Maugham's masterpiece and I absolutely adored The Painted Veil, which I will definitely read again at some point. And I am looking forward to reading The Folding Star because I have read and enjoyed everything else written by Alan Hollinghurst. But I am going with Sailor Song for this entry. I love, love, love One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey and it is one of my favourite books ever. After I finished reading it I wanted to read more by this author but wow are his other books hard to get hold of?! Yep! I ordered a copy of Sometimes A Great Notion before it had actually been reprinted and then its re-release date kept getting delayed. But eventually they printed it and I was able to collect my copy! I must admit, Sometimes A Great Notion is one of the most challenging books I have ever read. The style is difficult to understand at first and hard to get into but it is well worth the effort. I'm glad I kept reading because I ended up loving this book! I will certainly read it again at some point, as soon as my concentration is up to it. After that I looked into other books by this author and came across Sailor Song. After researching it for a while I realised I would not be able to buy a new copy, so I bought a second hand one from Amazon. The plot doesn't sound especially gripping -- I doubt it's going to be a page-turner! -- but I'm still looking forward tor reading it because Kesey was an exceptional writer who could turn the ordinary into the extraordinary! I believe it's about a small fishing town that becomes disrupted after the arrival of a film crew. Kind of interesting! And I think it has an environmental theme so I am looking forward to that aspect of it. I think the worst thing about my depression is the impact it has had on my reading. It is pretty soul-destroying to sometimes find that I can't concentrate and escape into a book in the way I used to. Reading has always been my escape and something to keep me going. I can't believe things got this bad. But I hope one day, maybe soon, I will feel able to give this book a go and I'm hoping I'll love it as much the other two books I've read by this author. And once I have read it, I'll try and get hold of some of his other work too. Wish me luck with that! |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : The book I've read the most number of times is... The Harry Potter series by JK Rowling I'm going for seven books in answer to this prompt! I have read the Harry Potter series countless times. Honestly, I actually wish I had kept count because I reckon the number would be quite impressive (or pathetic, depending on how you see it! )I first got into the Harry Potter series when I was about fourteen years old, when the first three books had already been released. I raced through them and absolutely adored them, but particularly enjoyed Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban because of the introduction of Remus Lupin, just about one of the coolest characters ever created! Not long after I had finished reading the third book, the fourth one, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, was released. I remember my mum went out early to buy it for me, before I'd even woken up, and she left it right next to my pillow so it was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. That was awesome! For the last three books of the series I purchased my copies at midnight so I could read them immediately. Those were fun experiences and I loved being part of that -- queueing up with all the other die-hard fans. I feel bad that future generations will not get to experience the excitement of waiting for the newest Harry Potter book to hit the shelves! Damn, I felt so emotional going to collect the last one ever! And I read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in one sitting -- mainly because I was so desperate to find out how it all ended up but partly because I was anxious about coming across spoilers. Of course I stopped to eat and use the bathroom etc, but apart from those things, I read and read from about 12:30am to about 10am, I think. It was worth it! So what do I love about the Harry Potter books? Well, in a nutshell... everything! To me they were pure escapism during a very difficult time in my life. I could get caught up in a whole different world and forget about what I was going through -- how lonely I had become at school, how difficult things were at home. And say what you like about JK Rowling's merit as a writer, she is a genius at plotting. The whole series is just beautifully and intricately constructed -- a woven tapestry of small details and clues held together by overarching themes. I would love to be able to write like that! But mostly I love the characters. As well as Lupin I absolutely adore Professor Dumbledore and I like how this character is so good and kind and clever but also flawed. And then of course there is Snape, who is my favourite book character ever! I love the complexities of this character and the different shades to his nature. His story arc is one of the most gripping and emotional I have ever read and it totally captivated me. It is so perfectly written. I could write a whole blog entry on how I feel about Snape and hey, I already did!  "Invalid Entry" . So to finish off this entry, here are a couple of my favourite parts: From Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: 'It's going to be all right, sir,' Harry said over and over again, more worried by Dumbledore's silence than he had been by his weakened voice. 'We're nearly there .. I can Apparate us both back ... don't worry ... don't worry ...' “I am not worried, Harry,” said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water. “I am with you.” Oh my god! What I love, love, love about this is that it shows how Dumbledore and Harry's relationship comes full circle -- to begin with Dumbledore is the guide and protector and now suddenly Harry is, but he is ready for it, even if he doesn't know that himself yet! The evolution of their relationship is so wonderfully explored and depicted and so beautifully summed up in this moment, which makes me cry every time.From Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: ‘Tell me one last thing,’ said Harry. ‘Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?' Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry’s ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure. ’Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?’ Wonderful! I can't describe how much I love this! Honestly, every single health care professional should have to read and take on board what Dumbledore says here. There is so much wisdom and understanding behind it. To be honest, there is so much more I could say on the Harry Potter series and what it means to me, but I should probably stop now... or at least very soon! These books will always be very special to me because of how much they helped me to get through my teens. I practically lived in the Harry Potter world back then! I don't think I will ever tire of the story, themes and characters. These books are still so vibrant and relevant even now, seventeen years after the first one was published. I can hardly wait to share the series with my future children!  |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : A book I thought I would love but really disappointed me is... The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini I remember there was an awful lot of hype around the The Kite Runner and I was looking forward to reading it as it seemed like my kind of book. I'll be honest, I did get very caught up in it at first. It is a gripping story and I suppose it is beautifully written. The ending made me cry. It's only after I had finished it and really started to think about what I'd read that I felt disappointed by it. The more I thought about it the more I felt cheated and manipulated by the author. He made me feel emotions for things that are not really there upon closer inspection. I actually ended up despising the central character, Amir. He does not grow in this story, in my opinion. This is supposed to be a book about redemption but it is more about Amir's guilt and what he has to do in order to feel better about himself. I felt like all his actions were about relieving his own guilt when they should have been about doing the right thing to atone for what he did. I also felt like this book was full of clichés and relied too much on coincidence. I know very strange coincidences can happen but there was one in particular in this book that I found ludicrous and jarring and seeing as it sets up the ending of the book, it just doesn't work, in my opinion. To be fair, I did read this book a long time ago and I have only read it once so I may not be remembering it accurately. Part of me wants to read it again to see if my feelings about it really are justified but I'm not sure I can be bothered. There are so many other books to read, why should I waste my time on something I'm pretty sure I won't enjoy! So yeah, I feel frustrated and disappointed by this book. I think it could have been a lot better. I'm also kind of ashamed that I fell for it at first, even if my opinion of it did start to change only a mere twenty to thirty minutes after finishing it! Anyway, sorry I didn't get on with this one -- I know a lot of people love it! But I suppose the world would be a very boring place if we all held the same opinions and had the same tastes.  |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : The saddest book I've ever read is... Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck I adore sad books! That might sound strange but I truly am drawn to books that are likely to break my heart. I'm not sure why, really. Perhaps it's just because I love to get caught up in the story and that has definitely happened if a book has made me feel that deeply. So there are a whole range of books I could use to answer this prompt and I found it difficult to choose just one! I could also have gone for Love Story by Erich Segal, which I pretty much just sob through whenever I read it! And The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro leaves me feeling completely grief-stricken -- but I'm reserving this one for another prompt. Then of course there is Requiem for a Dream by Hubert Selby Jr. and that author really does put his characters through the wringer. And of course I can't forget A Kestrel for a Knave by Barry Hines, which has such a sad, sad ending. And there are many, many more. Perhaps I'm just too emotional!Anyway, I have decided to go with Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck because apart from The Remains of the Day, it is probably the saddest book I've read that I have also read the most. I have picked another very famous book to blog about but for anyone who hasn't read it, this is the story of George Milton and Lennie Small. They are ranch workers looking for work and they dream of owning their own land. George is very intelligent and Lennie has some kind of mental disability, which makes him appear childlike, and though they seem like unlikely companions, they travel together and clearly care deeply about one another. Please be aware there will be spoilers in this entry. I think I first read this book when I was fourteen or fifteen and probably about a month or so after I'd finished it my English teacher announced we'd be reading and studying it in class. I didn't mind though! In fact I was pleased. I was looking forward to examining and analysing a book that I had absolutely fallen in love with. I also felt kind of smug as I knew what was going to happen whereas my classmates were all unaware of the tragedy about to unfold on the pages before them! What I love most about this book is the characters. I feel that Steinbeck was an absolute master at (among other things) creating characters and there are several in Of Mice and Men that I grew to care about very much. I love quick-witted George, who often seems so impatient and angry, but who also obviously has a very good heart. And I adore Lennie who I just want to take care of -- he is not suited for the life he is living and his disability makes things very hard on him. He is often misunderstood. And then there's Candy and his dog and I cry so much when the dog gets shot! I also love Crooks and Slim who have their own hardships and dreams.But the ending! When I first read this book I could not imagine that was going to happen and after reading it I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. It just knocked the wind out of me, honestly. It is heart-wrenching and I cried so much. It made me love George even more for what he did to help his friend and what it must take to be able to do something like that. I did not see it coming but it fits so perfectly and any other ending, any happy ending, would have felt cheap and false. It is way too tragic though! In many ways it is a very depressing book, obviously because of what happens to Lennie, but also because of the idea that for some people, a dream is always just going to be a dream. The thought that all those characters I grew to love just had to continue on with their hard, sad lives is also a tragedy to me. They deserve so much better! This book means an awful lot to me and I have read it many times. I don't know why I put myself through the pain! But it is beautifully written and stunningly constructed. It is worth the loss of a few tears (or many tears in my case!) |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : The funniest book I've ever read is... Catch-22 by Joseph Heller Well, a book that has a character named Major Major Major, who also happens to be a Major in the army, is going to be very funny! I have read this book many, many times but unfortunately I haven’t read it for a long while so please forgive me if my memories on it are a little hazy. I'm sure I don't need to describe the premise of the book, as it is very famous, but I will anyway! It's basically a satirical look at war and follows the character, John Yossarian, who is a bombardier during World War II. The first time I read Catch-22 I found it very difficult to get into. I found it strange and challenging. I wasn't sure I understood it and I wasn't enjoying it. But I don’t like to give up on books and I'm so glad I didn't give up on this one because half way through I started to love it! I'm not sure what changed really—maybe something just clicked for me—but I suddenly got it and found it hysterical. I felt connected to the character, Yossarian and his absurdity. I suddenly felt very caught up in it all. Since then I have read this book a lot, as I said, and I love it all from start to finish. So because of that I feel more determined than ever not to give up on a book because sometimes I think you can just find yourself not enjoying something because you are in the wrong frame of mind or not quite ready to take in what you’re reading. There is a book I stopped reading partway through but I definitely plan to revisit it sometime and that’s The Shipping News by Annie Proulx. Yeah, I really didn't get on with that one at all, but who knows? Perhaps if I try again I'll like it more. What I love about Catch-22 is its offbeat humour. I just love how it constantly surprises the reader with its bizarreness. There are so many laugh-out-loud moments. Here are a few quotes I love and it was very, very hard to narrow them down to just three! I've got these rubber models in my office with all the reproductive organs of both sexes that I keep locked up in separate cabinets to avoid a scandal. How much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of creation? The colonel was certainly not going to waste his time and energy making love to beautiful women unless there was something in it for him. I must read this again soon! |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : The last book I read is... Anne Frank Remembered by Miep Gies and Alison Leslie Gold I just finished reading Anne Frank Remembered by Miep Gies and Alison Leslie Gold. This is actually the second time I've read this book but it certainly deserves more than one reading. I first read it several years ago and wanted to revisit it because I wanted to be reminded that there is humanity in our world; that there are decent people; that good things do happen in the most horrible times. Miep Gies was one of the people who helped to hide Anne Frank and her family and also their friends. The book is her account of what happened and details what she had to go through during that time. She is my personal hero because of her unwavering courage, compassion and determination and I aspire to be like her. If I can be half the person she was I would consider myself a pretty decent person! She was a true hero, along with her husband, Jan Gies, and also Johannes Kleiman, Victor Kugler and Bep and Jan Voskuijl—all the people who did their best to keep the families hidden and safe. I admire and respect all of them. One thing I found out from this book is that not only did the Gies family help to hide the Franks and their friends, they also hid University student, Kuno van der Horst, in their home because he was in danger of being imprisoned for refusing to sign the German Loyalty Oath. So many people risked their freedom and even their lives during the war to hide people in an attempt to keep them safe from persecution by the Nazis. I love to think I would have done exactly the same but acknowledge nobody can truly know how they would act in such circumstances unless they actually face them. Can you imagine the fear and stress such a responsibility would bring? Miep does an amazing job of conveying this in her book but she never felt burdened by the people she took care of—to her it was the most natural thing in the world to do. It was the right thing to do. What happened was a shocking, terrible, inhuman thing but thank goodness for people like Miep—people who stood up to evil. Their deeds shine like candle flame in darkness. I feel that we must always remember what they did and draw strength, courage and hope from them. |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : "I had such great plans..." Urgh, this prompt can apply to my whole life so far. When I was a child I had such great plans... but things haven't turned out the way I wanted. If they had, I would be a vet; I would be married; I would own my own home; I would have children (one or two!) I didn't have grand dreams. I just wanted the things that everyone wants. I wanted to contribute to society. I wanted to be self-sufficient. I wanted to live a regular life. But I got ill. Becoming depressed as a teenager changed everything because I lost interest in school. I didn't want to try anymore. I dropped chemistry, which was a subject I needed to get into vet school. But I wasn't interested in being a vet anymore. I didn't care about anything. My last few years at school were some of the loneliest of my life as I struggled with my mental health but felt unable to talk about what I was going through with anyone.So my great plans dissolved into nothingness and I went to University with no real plan or idea of what I wanted to do. I chose to study Animal Biology and Conservation for no reason other than the fact that I couldn't envision myself in a career working closely with people and I was no longer eligible to apply for vet school due to dropping chemistry. I felt no great desire to do the course but wanted to start University and get away from home. I saw it as a fresh start and I planned to be different at University -- I didn't have great plans at this stage, perhaps, but I did feel that things could change. Then they didn't. My health got worse but despite that I somehow managed to graduate with a decent degree class. However, since then I have felt totally lost. I am drifting. I make plans all the time -- I plan to do great things -- but they come to nothing because I either lose my motivation for them or I get scared to try in case they do not work out. I'm hoping this will change soon though... In January I plan to do something positive that could change the course of my life. That is terrifying and exciting at the same time. But right now I'm not feeling like I will make it to January! I have had the day from hell. I had a total "shutdown" in my therapy session and then an anxiety attack and am now feeling excruciatingly embarrassed about the way I acted.  I won't go into it...!Then I took Jade to see the vet and he agrees with my suspicion that she has canine dementia. They can't test for it and they can't treat it but sometimes it can be managed with supplements so we are going to give those a try. I am so sad for my dog and I am scared about how the dementia will progress and how that will affect her behaviour. But all I can do is try my best to take care of her as always, try hard to be patient with her irritating behaviour (and trust me, that would even try the patience of a saint!) and continue to love her just as much as ever. What more can I do? It's horrible and it's scary and it's sad but I just have to deal with it and face the unknown as bravely as I can, while cherishing the time I have left with my amazing dog, my best friend, my family member. |
| I'm a wreck at the moment, to be honest! I have become extremely overwhelmed by a whole host of things and the situaiton with my care coordinator (that I blogged about the other day) was kind of the last straw and has resulted in my mood dropping quite dramatically. I feel like everything is piling on top of me. I am becoming increasingly panicked about money -- I potentially have some big expenses coming up and it makes me nervous to use my savings because I worry about how I'd manage if something went wrong with my car or laptop (both are absolute lifelines for me). I feel like I need a job more than ever but I have never felt less able to handle being in work. My anxiety has never been so high -- it is relentless. I am absolutely desperate to get on the job scheme I mentioned but today is two weeks since I applied and I haven't heard anything. I seriously don't know how I'll cope if that doesn't happen. I've possibly got some big dental bills coming up and also vet bills, though my family should help with those, seeing as Jade belongs to all of us. Then my top secret project, which is something I am doing for myself, to take back control of things and to improve my life, is probably going to cost a significant amount of money. I have thought about postponing it but if I don't go for it now (well, January) then I'm not sure I ever will. Postponing it doesn't feel like an option because I need to do something major to change my life. Anyway, sorry to blog about such a personal topic as money but it is getting to me. Although I've never had a lot of it, money, or lack of it, has never really bothered me that much but more and more recently I have realised how much easier life would be if I had a bit more of it! Mental illness has destroyed my life and unemployment is preventing me from rebuilding it. I am unemployed because I am ill and being unemployed is making me more ill! How the hell do I get out of this trap? And some other things... my sister has moved back home. I was just about coping with this, despite the added chaos and mess, but now her partner has moved his computer over here as the situation at his parent's house isn't good and he can't play his computer games, which was making him depressed. Thing is, we don't really have space for him here! He's going to set up his computer in the kitchen, and has already moved his monitor over, but now I can't get to the bread bin or some of the cupboards. I am feeling so claustrophobic because of all the people and their mess and their noise. I am not coping at all and I wish more than ever that I had my own place. I don't know whether my therapy is on tomorrow. The session last week was cancelled and my therapist was supposed to call me to rearrange it but she didn't. My regular slot is Monday at 11am so I'm hoping she'll call before that to let me know whether or not to go in. I kind of hope it's on! Although I'm not too comfortable with her, I really want someone to vent to and I want to tell somebody how much I'm struggling. I should be able to tell my care coordinator but I no longer trust him or want to speak to him. And then there's all the other stuff -- my increasingly obsessive thinking and how that has worsened my OCD-related fixation with my teeth and anxiety that there is something very wrong with them and that they're all going to fall out or something and that they look horrible. I am considering getting braces on my lower teeth to correct a gap but I think the cost of that will be in the thousands. But I almost feel like I have no choice because I am getting more and more depressed about that gap. I am also feeling so physically crap right now. My allergies are crazy and are making me feel so ill. I also have very little appetite, which isn't good when I am trying to get through therapy for my eating disorder. Everything I eat right now makes me feel sick.I am so sorry to moan so much. I just need to get this stuff out. I have nobody to talk to and I don't know how to deal with this anxiety and all these worries that have suddenly invaded my mind. I wish I could switch my brain off even for a minute. |
  I am so sad. I think my beautiful dog, Jade, has canine dementia. She will be 14 next month, which is quite old for her breed. Her behaviour has become increasingly strange over the last year. My family got Jade when I was 13 years old and she was just 5 weeks. She has been in my life for more than half of it. Recently I have been contemplating what life will be like without her and it is unbearable to think about. She is my best friend. She saved my life after I graduated and had to move home and felt like I'd lost everything. In a way I am already mourning because she has changed so much. I want her to always be healthy and happy and now I'm not sure she is. I plan to take her to the vet next week and I think there are supplements that can help with dementia so hopefully there will be some improvement, but there are signs her health is deteriorating. I am not coping with her getting older. It makes me so sad to see my dog struggling to climb up the step into the house, slipping when she gets too excited during play, bumping into things. Why must our pets grow old and get ill?  I am not feeling well today. I have tooth pain, headache, abdominal pain. I just tried a vegan raw fruit and nut cocoa bar and it made me feel sick!  I could only tolerate one bite! Sometimes I think about going vegan because I practically am one due to not liking dairy, but I like cake and chocolate too much. Occasionally I will try vegan foods but a lot of them smell terrible -- like pet food. The smell of the vegan bar I tried reminded me too much of the food we fed to our guinea pigs! I don't want to eat guinea pig food! And though I've never tried soya milk, soya yoghurt made me gag! Being a vegetarian who loathes cheese and dislikes other dairy products (though eats stuff that contains egg and milk) I already have a ridiculously restricted diet. I think I might actually die if I went vegan. If I was going to do it I would seriously need to learn to cook properly and prepare proper meals but I don't have the energy for that right now. Maybe one day though...I wish I was feeling better! This has been such a crap day! |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : How do you communicate best? Speaking or writing? No prizes for guessing what my answer is! I've said enough times in this blog and my last one that I am much, much better at communicating through writing than I am speaking. In fact, I am like two different people when it comes to communicating in these two different ways. In my writing I am expressive, emotive, creative, articulate. I can show my personality and humour through my writing. When it comes to speaking, I can achieve that same level of communication probably only with Mark, and perhaps my mum and sister too. To most people I am quiet, shy and awkward, which is a real shame because I have an awesome sense of humour that I can only share with a handful of people. It's also a shame because I am an emotional and creative person but many people do not get to experience that side of me. The only person in my offline life who gets to read my blog and poetry is Mark because I am very shy about it. I do have Asperger Syndrome, and that does have a big impact on my social communication skills, but I don't think my anxiety helps matters either! In fact, I think my social skills have become increasingly worse because of my anxiety. Although I have always been very introverted, when I was younger I wasn't afraid to speak up if I truly believed in something and felt passionate about it. I can't seem to do that so much now. Anxiety and self-esteem issues have worn me down and destroyed my confidence. When it comes to people who are not Mark or my family I can talk okay-ish on a one-to-one basis, but put me in a group and I am practically mute, unless someone speaks to me directly. I just can't handle groups at all. I can rarely identify opportunities to contribute to a discussion (which is probably down to my Asperger Syndrome) but on the rare occasions I do spot on opening, I don't have the confidence to contribute (yeah, thanks anxiety, you really screw me over! )But even in one-to-one situations I am not great at speaking and need people to ask me lots of direct questions if we are to communicate at all. I am terrible at vague, abstract questions and I can't judge what I should be saying. I don't really have a social life anymore so the only time I really talk to people (other than loved ones) is when I am speaking to health professionals. In those situations I can be pretty incoherent and say "I don't know" a lot. I speak too quietly and stumble over my words. People find me very difficult to talk to, I think. When it comes to my voluntary jobs, I don't say much at all to my fellow volunteers or the service users etc. I am still finding my feet with the Education Assistant role, and I have become better at talking to the children, but I need to drastically improve my verbal communication if I am going to get paid work in this field. As for my work with the RDA I'm mostly given horse-related duties rather than people-related duties and I think this is because the leader recognises I am not good at talking! It's hard and it's sad. We live in a very verbal-orientated world. People talk, talk, talk all the time and I feel very isolated from that. I want to join in but I can't. I think I am so high-functioning that most people wouldn't guess I am on the autism spectrum, but they are not entirely comfortable in my presence and must recognise I am not a natural at verbal communication. I am intense and awkward and people do not know how to deal with that! Writing.Com has been an absolute lifeline for me. Here I can be myself and express myself. I met my partner here. I've made wonderful friends. This site allows me to reach out and communicate with people in ways I can't do offline and so it means more to me than I could ever adequately express, even in writing! I feel like I could say more on this and say it more coherently too but it is 2:30am.  I have also had a tough evening and am feeling very overwhelmed so I'm going to stop now. Time for bed I think! Apologies for any errors. I'm sure I'll catch them when I've had some sleep! I'll also catch up on the other answers to this prompt tomorrow. |
| I am very depressed today. I am still feeling down about my care coordinator. My next appointment with him isn't until October 7th so I have to get through almost two weeks of anxiety over how that meeting is going to go! I have been sleeping a lot because of feeling depressed and also because I'm bored. Apart from shame, feelings of uselessness and being considered a social pariah by most of society, the worst thing about unemployment is boredom. I try to keep busy with my voluntary work, WDC, writing, reading, taking care of Jade etc, but those are all things I wish I could do on top of a paid job. I am still waiting to hear about the job scheme I applied to—the one designed to support people with mental health problems into paid employment. This Sunday will mark two weeks since I applied. I have contacted the lady since then to make sure my application arrived safely and it did—she just hasn't had a chance to look at it yet. Now I'm worried she has looked at it but has decided I'm not right for the scheme.  To switch off from all that, here is a fun activity! The idea is to finish a particular sentence with 5 completely different and random statements about yourself. So, finish this sentence with 5 different statements (that you can elaborate on if you want): “I am the person who….” Here’s mine: I am the person who cries when bad things happen to animals (including fictional animals). I am the person who applies for jobs just mere hours after almost being hospitalised for depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. Yep, I just keep going no matter what! I am the person who can mirror write! Yay! What an extremely useful to skill have… not! It’s fun to do though! Mirror writing is writing backwards so that you need to use a mirror in order to be able to read it. It is associated with left-handedness. I’m actually ambidextrous, though not equally as there are some things I can only do with my left hand and others only with my right. Despite it being associated with left-handedness, and despite me being practically ambidextrous, I can only mirror write with my right hand. Weird! I am the person who seeks advice about important life matters from people over the internet. Yeah, I really need to stop doing that! Or at least cut down a bit! I am the person who writes poetry in their sleep.  (Only in my head though!)Feel free to have a go at this yourself, either in the comment section or in your own blog. But then please link your entry here so I can read it! |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Do you believe in destiny? Destiny is a terrifying concept to me but thankfully I don't believe in it. But how awful to think that everything we choose to do or not do, say or not say, etc is determined by some unknown power, sweeping us along to some unknown, pre-planned destiny. I'll stay in charge of my own destiny, thanks! I make my own decisions and direct my own life, even with all the obstacles I have to face. It would be very easy for somebody like me to just give up, putting it all down to destiny and just "accepting their fate", but never! I am my own person and choose my fate -- I choose whether to keep fighting for the life I want or whether to give up. Nothing else is in charge of me -- no power, no god, nothing. Just me. I can never understand the people who sit around waiting for things to happen, thinking that everything will fall into place. If you want something to happen, then make it happen! There's this great dialogue exchange in the film Walk The Line that goes like this: John: June, that stuff will just work itself out. June: No, it does not work itself out. People work it out for you and you think it works itself out. Love that! I think those people who believe everything works out in its own time just have people in their lives doing it all for them and so stuff appears to just work out as if by magic. They need a reality check, like June gives to Johnny in the movie! I'll never be on board with the idea of destiny because it just gives people a get-out clause. And thinking I am in control of my own life is pretty much the only thing that keeps me going. I have to believe I can change my life and build a better future otherwise what is the point in carrying on? No, I very firmly believe that destiny does not exist. I have to believe that. |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : There's no such thing as fair. Agree? Disagree? Tap out a few words about it. Apologies in advance, I am going to use this prompt to moan! Not for me there isn't! Or it seems that way much of the time. I don't really like to think in those terms though because I don't want to be self-pitying. But I am feeling pretty sorry for myself today... I think there are degrees of fairness but can something ever be completely fair? If I am judging a contest, I can try to be as fair as I possibly can, but can I totally disengage from my preferences and biases etc? I'm not sure if that is possible but all I can do is try my absolute best, and that's what I do when judging a contest. That's what I hope any judge would do. So I'm not sure there is such thing as true fairness. I don't know. Maybe I'm just feeling that way because I'm in a bad mood. Today certainly hasn't felt like a fair day to me! I have been treated, and continue to be treated, very unfairly by someone who is supposed to be on my side and supporting me. My care coordinator in the mental health team is supposed to do what his job title says: coordinate my care through supporting me or finding ways that I can get support. But this is quite difficult because despite all my problems I am actually very high-functioning, self-sufficient and independent so it is hard for people to see how they can help me in a practical sense. Most of the time I just need emotional support and moral support but I don't always know how to get it because I can't communicate well verbally. If I could talk to everyone by email I'd be much better off! So is it fair that a person with verbal communication difficulties has to adapt to a very "verbal-orientated" world? I don't feel that it is. Anyway, my care coordinator is always asking me what he can do to support me and I can't ask for the emotional support I need. But a couple of things have just come up that I need practical help with. One is the work programme. I am so done dealing with this. They are supposed to be helping me to become able to work but at present they are just hindering me through their incompetence, which is making me excessively anxious. I have asked my care coordinator for support with this -- in either finding a way to get me out of the programme (it is compulsory but there might be exceptions), otherwise I will need support going to it. He said I need to come in and discuss it in more detail so he can get a better idea of the issues and can think what to do to help. So great! Today he called me to arrange an appointment for this and the phone call was an absolute disaster! Pretty much all our phone calls turn into disasters because of my communication problems, and his impatience and lack of understanding of my communication problems, and then my frustration at his impatience and lack of understanding of my communication problems! (Haha! Still following?!) Is that fair? Hell no! I can't help the way I am. I have Asperger Syndrome! I can't help not being able to express myself verbally and this guy makes no allowances for me whatsoever and that certainly isn't fair. I am sick of it. The second problem I need help with is much more personal and much more distressing to me. After what happened on the phone today, I don't think I can tell my care coordinator about it. I had said the other day I would write it down (because I can't talk about it) but now I don't think I can even do that. I can't trust him to not be harsh or horrible about it and I seriously couldn't deal with someone being harsh or horrible about it. I feel like he is against me all the time and I don't understand why. Sometimes I feel like I must have done something awful to offend him or make him dislike me so much but can't think what. This guy confuses me so much.  I am going to try and clear the air with him but who knows if I'll be able to.  I would never treat someone like that and make them feel as if they are an irritation to me when it is my job to help them. It wouldn't be fair! I do realise I am hard to deal with but I am trying my absolute best not to be. I just wish he would be a bit fairer to me and go a bit easier on me. |
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