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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
If I thought Saturday was going to be as hard as it gets at work I was very much mistaken! Today was truly, truly awful.  An emergency situation elsewhere resulted in my team leader deciding to abandon our attempted shopping trip and I had to return home alone with the service-user. This unsettled him immensely and he became pretty confused and repetitive, asking me the same questions over and over again. I think the combination of having to change our plans plus being completely alone with me in the house for the first time made his anxiety levels shoot up and I felt powerless to help him, though I tried my best of course. I pulled out every distraction technique I could think of and some did work, but unfortunately only for a short period of time. Every twenty minutes or so I asked him if he wanted to watch TV, because that's the main activity he does in the house to relax, but he wasn't interested. Instead I persuaded him to do ironing and other household chores by saying the late shift staff would be so pleased if we got it all done. I never thought I'd say this but thank god for piles of ironing!  Honestly, it was so stressful and I just wanted to cry. I held it together though but sometimes had to leave the room to silently scream! What made it worse is that I needed to leave at 2pm in order to get to my first session at the high-functioning autism support group but the second staff member was late returning home. That made me even more anxious and stressed and unfortunately the service-user picked up on that and got more anxious himself. I feel so, so guilty about that.  Anyway, I managed to finally leave at 2.15 and I called into the mental health team to let them know I was running late. The receptionist checked with the support group leader that it was okay for me to arrive late and thankfully it was so I drove over there as quickly as possible. But I was so stressed that I was really in no frame of mind to take part in a group. I stayed silent for most of it and was unable to answer one question directed at me because my mind just went totally blank. I don't know how helpful this group is going to be for me -- it wasn't structured and a lot of the discussion was too abstract for me to deal with. I think I will go next week and give it another go though because hopefully I won't be so stressed and anxious going in and hopefully that will make a difference to my experience there. I wish it was more structured though because it is hard for me to know what to say. I can't believe I can feel this stressed, anxious and exhausted and still be alive to be honest. I feel like I'm dying! This evening I have sent an email to the other "Invalid Item" judges to ask someone to take over my reviewing. I hate having to do that but it had to be done. As Jakrebs  said, I am tackling too many projects. Time to cut back!And I am FURIOUS at the lack of support from the work programme. They are doing nothing. I need help to stay in this job but I don't know where to get it. Failing at this is not an option because I would rather be dead than have to give up. I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow.  Sorry if this entry is a bit intense. I am so tearful tonight, which is unusual for me. My head hurts. I want to sleep and never wake up. I just don't know if I'm going to get through this. |
Well it is almost 1:30am and I have work tomorrow morning at 8!!!  I am going to be exhausted. And straight after work I have to hightail it waaaaay over to the other side of town because the support group for people with high-functioning autism and mental health problems is finally starting and I want to attend the first session. I will have 30 minutes to get there if I am able to leave work on time, and according to google maps it should take 15... but that's probably if there is virtually no traffic! And parking might be a problem so I would like more time! I hope if I drop some hints about my worries on not getting there promptly that my team leader will let me go early! I didn't have to go in today in the end. My team leader called and asked if I could do 8-2 tomorrow instead.I am tired and it has been a long day so I don't know why I'm not sleeping. I went to therapy this morning and it was okay. I mostly talked about work and how shocked I am at yet another care coordinator leaving so abruptly. Next week will be my last proper therapy session and then I will get fortnightly follow-up appointments for a while. My therapist has asked me to write her a letter about my experience of therapy with her and she is going to write me one. Let me say right now, I seriously don't want to do that! But I will try. I will say that I have appreciated her patience and the space she has provided for me to talk. But I'm also going to say that the therapy has confused me a lot and that I feel I'm no closer to managing my eating disorder. I've had twenty sessions but not once have we discussed techniques to change my eating habits, to change my thoughts around food and weight, to change the way I see myself, to change the way I use my eating disorder to feel in control. Purely knowing and talking about those things does not help me change them! I do not get Cognitive Analytic Therapy at all but still, I am stressed my sessions are ending. I do not cope well with change and I am facing so much change right now. Mark also left today after a long visit so I am feeling lonely and sad. But in other news I got some serious studying done yesterday and today and I have nearly finished the Social Psychology topic. Then I can move on to Cognitive Psychology, which I am expecting to be hard! I'm still ridiculously behind but am beginning to think I might be able to catch up... possibly! The Dutch is still going well and I have been updating my journal daily:
I have a new poem but am not sure if it will be going in my port. I wrote it for the campfire but as that appears to be ending, there doesn't seem to be much point in sharing the poem. It's not my finest work so if I don't need to use it in the campfire it may not ever see the light of day. And I haven't talked about chess in a while! I play at level 2 now and I'm pretty terrible! But I do sometimes win. I have won 22/70 games.  That's so bad! But I think I am getting better. Well, I'm pretty patchy to be honest. I can make an awesome move only to do something stupid ten seconds later. And I play too fast according to Mark, but that's my nature! I want to do and achieve everything and I want to do and achieve everything NOW! To be fair I have found I win more if I slow down. But slowing down is so hard for me! I'm sorry I'm neglecting WDC at the moment. I have reviews to do, emails to respond to, blogs to comment on etc, etc. I am just crazy busy and crazy exhausted. My thoughts are all over the place! I'm still struggling to find balance, though I am happy to have managed to study two days in a row. Perhaps that is a sign I am learning to manage work and study? I hope so! After I've learned how to balance those, I'll start trying to add in other things. At least I am keeping up with blogging, but I am feeling the need to blog a lot at the moment just to offload some of my stress! Anyway, I'm going to shut up now and try sleeping.  Don't know if that's going to happen as my thoughts are going 100 miles per hour! |
| Today has been my hardest day at work yet because I normally spend Saturdays with my family. We just chill out, eat fast food and watch TV. Doesn't sound like much be I love it! Plus I wanted to spend Valentine's Day with Mark! So yeah, I really didn't want to be in work and time dragged on and on and on... and then on some more! Also, I did lone work for the first time today. Another support worker and I went with the two guys to the gym, but we split up when there. The person I was with wanted to go swimming. I just sat at the side and waved to him whenever he waved to me! And I gave him a thumbs up every and now then as encouragement. I was so, so nervous though. I have never been completely responsible for another human being before, but today I was. I think I did okay though! The service-user seemed fine with me and I think I did a good job of supporting and encouraging him, but also promoting his independence. I'd never been to that pool before and I think he liked being able to take the lead and show me where things are etc. I think I am doing well at work. Well, I know! I asked my team leader if I am doing okay and she said she can see my confidence is increasing and she is also pleased with how hard I am working. She said she likes how I ask if anything needs doing rather than waiting to be told to do something. So go me! The boredom is hard to deal with though. When we are in the house I find myself clock-watching a lot. That's one of the reasons I have been asking the other staff if anything needs doing! I just want something to do to pass the time! But also I want to work hard and make a good impression. I love the service-users. I have only known them for two weeks but they have already had a huge impact on me. I'm so exhausted though and still worried I am not going to be able to keep this up. I know twenty-two hours of work a week isn't a lot but it is when you are ill and have been out of work for a long time. I need to adjust physically and mentally and that is taking time. I hope I can adjust! My course is another matter though -- it has fallen by the wayside and I am feeling so, so panicky about that. I'm not back in work until Monday at 4pm now so I am hoping to get some study done. But mostly I plan to rest and recharge my batteries a bit! |
| What is happening? My safe haven, my beloved community, my online home, is suddenly changing drastically and that, along with all the upheaval in my offline life, is more than I can cope with right now. I really don't know what else to say about that except I hope things settle down here fast and it goes back to feeling like a safe, calm place where I can take refuge from the chaos elsewhere. Today I found out my care coordinator is leaving... tomorrow. This is the second time this has happened to me in FOUR months. Four months ago I found out my care coordinator was leaving the DAY before he left. It's ridiculous. People with mental health problems tend to need consistency and tend not to cope well with change. Of course it is inevitable that people will leave their jobs, but surely they shouldn't leave when there is nobody else to take over and when they haven't prepared service-users for a big change and ensured that they have proper care and support in place. Now for the second time in four months I have no care coordinator and have been told that if I need help I can call and ask to speak to the duty worker. But that doesn't work for me. The duty worker is a different person each day. I am terrible at talking on the phone. I hate talking to people I don't know. Speaking on the phone with someone I do not know = disaster! I am hoping that either my therapist or GP will be able to contact the mental health team and insist that I get a care coordinator ASAP. And another thing, the work programme are barely supporting me now that I am actually in work, which speaks volumes. Obviously all they care about is getting a person into work. They do not seem to be overly concerned about supporting them to stay in work, which is supposedly part of the service they offer. I completely resent the fact that I am probably represented in their statistics as someone they have helped to get a job. It's bullshit! I got a job despite them and their shoddy, inadequate service. They did absolutely nothing for me and just seem to have screwed me over since I told them I have the job (the whole thing with them messing up my benefits case and not sorting out my clothing and travel etc). Who needs all this? Just when I need stability and support I am getting the complete opposite. And maybe there are people out there who think I should be going it alone and not be so dependent on other people but I am dependent on other people because I am still very unwell. I am trying to get my life together and back on track but I need support to do that. Would someone with a broken leg be expected to go to work and get on with life without their crutches? No! The support from mental health teams etc are crutches for people like me. And now my crutches have been taken away! I am so, so sick of life constantly feeling like a battle. |
I am so overwhelmed right now. Here is what I am currently trying to juggle: My new job My psychology course Learning Dutch Completing my reviews for round 13 of "Invalid Item" Taking part in the "Invalid Item" Walking/taking care of Jade Living life in general RelaxingYeah, the relaxing thing is never going to happen!  The thing is, I could give up Dutch, or ask someone else to take over my reviews, or bow out of the campfire, or defer my course, or quit my job... but I don't want to!  Quitting the job just isn't possible now I have one! I've spent years trying to get to this point and I will stick at this job even if it kills me.  I don't want to defer the course because the quicker I can complete it, the sooner I can get on a conversion course if that's what I decide to do. I don't want to give up learning Dutch because it's fun and I have wanted to learn another language for years. I'd rather not give up my reviewing duties or the campfire because I want to remain active on WDC. Plus, the campfire is helping me to write somewhat regularly and I'm not sure I'll continue writing as much without it.So what can I do? I need to start managing my time better but I have no idea how to do that. I'm hoping when they have sorted out my rota at work that I will be able to establish some kind of routine but I'm not very hopeful. My motivation is low right now and my anxiety and stress levels are high. I am very, very worried that I am heading for a breakdown. I know I have taken on too much and I know I am pushing myself too hard. But I can't stop. |
 Today is ten years since my brother passed away and I attended a memorial service with Mark and my family, which was arranged by my niece and her mum. The service was nice and afterwards we released blue and yellow balloons (the colours of his beloved football team), which was incredibly moving, and really rather beautiful as they floated up into the night sky. I am grateful to Mark for coming with me. He never met my brother, but he came along to support me and I truly appreciate that.  It is just so hard for me to comprehend that it has been ten years. But what feels even stranger to me is that I am now the age my brother was when he died. Next year I will reach an age he never reached and that makes me feel unbearably sad. Here's a poem I wrote about my brother. I actually wrote this ten years ago (it was part of a longer poem), though I only put in my port fairly recently:
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| I've just done three days of my new job and I am soooooooooooooo overwhelmed! Things have been very mixed but I think I might actually be able to do this... possibly. I'm not sure! But there has been an awful lot to take in and my mind is absolutely overloaded with care plans, policies, procedures, rules, schedules, paperwork, paperwork and more paperwork! The job is difficult for various reasons but each time I have left this week I have felt ecstatic for having done something productive. I can't tell you how amazing it is to feel that I am actually contributing something to society and that I am going to earn money from that. I think I might actually cry when I get paid... when I see money in my account that I have earned. So, I don't think I can go into too much detail about the actual job because I need to respect the privacy of the people I am supporting, but here's what has been good and bad so far: The Good The people I am supporting are fantastic. Two people live in the house where I am based and they need a supporter with them at all times. The man I have been supporting the most is very sociable and friendly and enjoys having a laugh, so it has been a pleasure to spend time with him and to support him in his activities. I am finding it harder to get to know the other person because he is mostly non-verbal. Also, I have not been so involved with his care yet because I need further training before I can support him alone. But still, he seems like a lovely guy. I have to say, doing this job is an absolute privilege and a huge responsibility. I actually feel quite emotional when I stop to consider the position of trust I am in. The people I am helping to support are so vulnerable and I consider it an honour to support them. After just five minutes of starting the job, when I was thrown in at the deep end, I made a vow to myself to do everything in my power to help the people I am supporting to feel empowered. I think this is going to be a hugely rewarding job if I make that my primary aim. The bad There's no getting away from it, some aspects of the job are incredibly dull! When the people we are supporting are having downtime and just doing their own thing, there isn't much to do at all. And a couple of times I have ended up watching television programmes that I am not interested in because that's what the service-user wants to watch. Still, I suppose I can't complain that I'll be getting paid for relaxing and watching TV! Though to be honest I haven't been able to relax at work at all yet, even when I'm just sitting doing nothing. And there are some aspects of the job that make me uncomfortable but I won't go into that and I have also been bothered by a couple of things where I feel staff have (unintentionally) disempowered the people we are supporting. Also, I have just been shadowing so far (though have gotten involved as much as I feel confident to) and I am absolutely terrified about going it alone. Honestly, the thought of being alone with and completely responsible for such a vulnerable person is making me feel sick with anxiety. And lastly, there is a problem with my rota! I'm supposed to be doing 21 hours a week but none of my weeks actually add up to 21. I have made the senior staff aware of this though and my first 2 weeks have been altered. Hopefully they'll get the rest sorted out too! So that's my first week over with and I'm not back until Tuesday now. I have a job! I've just worked three days. I'm earning my own money. I'm contributing to society. I feel productive and useful and functional. I seriously hope I can stick at this. I think if I can get a handle on my anxiety that this will turn out to be a massively rewarding and fulfilling job. And it ties in so nicely with my psychology course and the area of psychology I want to move into. I'm just worried this isn't sustainable... |
| I am starting my new job tomorrow at 9:30am and will be finished by 4:30pm. I'm so, so nervous. I have no idea what to expect really. I imagine there will be lots of paperwork to read and fill out first, but after that? I don't know. I don't even know if I will be meeting service-users tomorrow. All I know is that I'm terrified! I hope the seven hours will go smoothly and quickly. I will also be working 3pm-10pm on Thursday and 8am-3pm on Friday. Seems a bit mean to have a late shift followed by an early shift but I think I will just be relieved to get them out of the way quickly. Today has been loooooooong and exhausting. My therapy session went well and I talked a lot. I don't know what has come over me recently... talking to my psychiatrist? Talking to my therapist? How come I can suddenly talk?! It's good though. Maybe I am finally moving forward with everything? This afternoon I had my hepatitis B vaccination and it wasn't too bad, though my arm hurts now. After that I had to go to the work programme to pick up my travel money and clothes for work. They pay travel until pay day and also provide work clothes, so I thought I'd make the most of that and save a bit of money. That turned out to be a disaster though! The receptionist couldn't get through to my advisor on the phone so sent her an email and I waited, and waited, then waited some more. Eventually someone went to get her and she said there had been some miscommunication over my clothes and travel money so it wasn't ready. Having been in their office for over an hour at that point I was beyond furious! They asked if I would go down to the shop to get the clothes and that someone would meet me there to pay for them. They asked me to return to the office after that to collect the travel money but I said, "no, I've been here over an hour and I don't want to come back". My advisor was shocked I'd been there that long but instead of apologising to me she just started bitching with her colleagues about whose fault it was, all while I'm standing there feeling stressed and exhausted beyond belief! I seriously didn't need all that the day before I start my new job... the first paid job I've had in TEN years. That is kind of a big deal! They could have been more organised and supportive to make it as stress-free as possible for me. But I got my clothes in the end and I'll be picking up the travel money later in the week, possibly tomorrow if I can be bothered after I finish work. Oh wow, I can't believe this is really happening. I actually have a job. |
| I am twenty-eight today! Weird. I don't feel like I'm twenty-eight. Mentally I feel like I'm still a child but physically I feel about a hundred! I can't believe I'll be thirty in two years. But I won't dwell on that! As far as birthdays go, today hasn't been all that great! It got off to a good start as I woke up in a positive mood and had some lovely presents from Mark. But as I am still unwell with a cold, I started to feel quite rough as the day progressed and had to lie down for a bit. When I got up I went to pick up my new medication from the pharmacy and Mark and I then walked Jade. This evening I took one of my new tablets and then I opened my cards and gifts from my family. My mum got me a birthday cake too. Yay! Then Mark and I were going to watch TV with my sister when an extreme tiredness came over me, to the point where I could barely keep my eyes open. I didn't even have the energy to brush my teeth. I suddenly realised the new medication was having an effect on me... a big effect! It was awful and the strangest sensation. I felt like I couldn't move and I slept in stages, though it didn't feel like I was sleeping. It felt like I would close my eyes only to open them a few seconds later to find time had jumped forward. That kept happening and it seriously felt like time was moving in leaps. It was horrible! But thankfully after a few hours the effects started to wear off and I have finally been able to get out of bed and have some food. I feel so down about the medication though. I had high hopes for it but I don't think I want to take it again. I won't end on such a negative note though. Today might not have been the best birthday I've ever had but I love the gifts I have received and have enjoyed a quiet day in with Mark. Tomorrow I will be going for a meal with Mark, my family and their partners, if I'm feeling up to it, so I have that to look forward to. I think I will just extend my birthday over the weekend!  |
| I've had a slightly better day today! They've reopened my benefits claim, acknowledging that it was closed in error. So that's a relief. And I've also had it confirmed for a third time that the 12 week linking rule exists. This means if anything goes wrong with the job within 12 weeks due to me not being well enough to do it, I can be fast-tracked to my previous claim and go back on ESA (Employment and Support Allowance) at the same rate I am on now, avoiding the new claims process and lower new claims pay. I can't even describe how terrified I felt at the prospect of starting work without that safety net. I'm not sure I could have done it. I still wish I had negotiated permitted work hours but this is the next best thing. I was supposed to see my care coordinator this morning but she was off sick. I still got to see my psychiatrist though. He is the strangest guy! I've only had one other proper appointment with him (plus one emergency appointment) and my opinion of him hasn't changed much at all: he is the strangest guy! Still, I found myself talking to him quite a lot. I think I just needed to vent a bit! Plus, I find it easier to talk when there is only one other person in the room. I'm not sure I would have said as much had my care coordinator been there too. But... I have a strange instinct about this doctor. I am on red alert around him but am not entirely sure why. Still, I will listen to that instinct even if I don't know why I have it! And he is extremely rude too. I hate that. He wanted to book me another appointment but their computer system was down, so he went to his secretary's office and I heard him demand, "paper diary!" Not, "could I please have my paper diary?" But, "paper diary!" He obviously thinks he is some kind of hotshot doctor who is above secretaries, but the reality is he works in a crappy mental health team in a rather crappy town and he probably couldn't do his job without that secretary. He has booked me in for three weeks time, which is weird. But I think he wants to see me again soon because I talked much more with him than usual and maybe he thinks we can make some kind of progress together. I'm not sure! He has also prescribed me Atarax, which is apparently an antihistamine that can be used for anxiety. Fingers crossed it works!Mark is coming this evening and I am going to pick him up very soon. Yay! And... it's my birthday tomorrow! I'm going to be twenty-eight! |
| I've had such an awful, awful day and I am so stressed. It seems like the job centre have closed my benefits claim, even though I haven't started work yet. I think because the work programme recorded my training on their system, the job centre are taking this to be my start date, even though I actually haven't started yet and haven't received any pay yet. When I called to query it I was informed I would have to open a new claim, which is absolutely ridiculous. I have been trying to sort it out all day but couldn't get hold of my advisor. I called and asked the receptionist if I could attend the drop-in and she said yes but when I arrived she told me my advisor was in training! I had a full on breakdown right there in the work programme office! In the end the manager advised me to go to the job centre (which is next door) and to then come back. I had another breakdown there! The lady there called the processors for me but was just given the same information I'd been given that I would have to start a new claim. Anyway, I went back to the work programme but my advisor was still in training and even though the receptionist emailed the manager to let her know I'd come back, she didn't come to speak to me. I felt so upset and just left. As I was driving home my phone rang and I pulled up to answer it. It was my advisor and she asked if I could go back. She tried to help me out by making some phonecalls on my behalf but as it was almost five we didn't have much luck and couldn't get any definitive answers. Someone from the DWP is going to call her tomorrow and hopefully this can be resolved. It isn't really about the money (although I don't want to lose out, obviously) but I want to ensure I have the full 12 weeks to test out this job as I have been told if it goes wrong within 12 weeks I can reopen my benefits claim rather than making a new one. Starting to think this isn't true! I'm also starting to think it would be better for me to start off by doing permitted work but I'm not sure my employer will allow me to do under 16 hours a week. I'm going to ask my advisor tomorrow if she thinks it's worth trying to negotiate this. I would feel much better if I knew my benefits claim could stay open while I'm working (that's if we can get it reopened! ) And to top everything off, I was supposed to get a hepatitis B injection today, because I have been advised to get one before I start work, but they wouldn't do it because I'm ill. The nurse said they can't do it if I have a temperature. She took my temperature and it was slightly raised so she thought it would be better not to do the injection. I'm rebooked for Monday so hopefully I will be better by then, but that was frustrating and I'm worried the injection is going to make me feel ill the day before I am due to start work. So many worries. So much anxiety. I seriously can't cope. I am seeing my care coordinator and psychiatrist tomorrow and am worried that if I am honest about how I am feeling right now, they will make me go to the hospital. Maybe I should be in the hospital because I am very, very close to the edge. I am dealing with so much CRAP at the moment and I can't stand it anymore. Why is everything going wrong? I don't mean to sound self-pitying but I feel like I am desperately trying my absolute best to get my life back on track and just keep facing obstacle after obstacle. Should I give up now? I am beyond tired of my life being a constant battle. Maybe I am done fighting now. |
| I'm ill again! I just got over the flu and now I have a cold and I think probably a chest infection too seeing as my chest is killing me. So unfair! I started feeling unwell yesterday and felt so rough in the evening that I thought I might not be well enough to go to the RDA. I still felt crappy this morning but made myself go as I knew I would regret it otherwise. It was a great session to end on really. I was asked to help C---- tack up Buster and then I got to lead him in the lesson. The little girl riding him was the one who came before Christmas and she has improved so much. She can now use the reins for stopping and turning and sometimes she is even brave enough to let go of the saddle with both hands. She took part in the "exercises" too. It was amazing to see and made me feel emotional. She was very bright and happy today, which was nice because there have been times when she has been in a bad mood! After the lesson I untacked Buster and put his rugs on. Then I gave all the other volunteers a box of biscuits and a card saying thank you for making my time there such a positive experience. I think they were all quite touched! They have told me to pop in and visit if I get time and J---- has said that if I get to support a horse-lover in my new job I am welcome to bring them along to watch a lesson some time. I thought that was nice! I left as soon as I could after I'd given my card because I didn't want to get emotional and there was a real danger of that happening. I find change very difficult and I am going to miss some aspects of going there. I will miss seeing the children improve and I will miss the horses. I will miss the wonderful volunteers who I have truly come to respect. I cried when I got home because I didn't get to say goodbye to Murphy. Although I gave him some fuss before the lesson, someone took him out to the field before I got a chance to say goodbye. Still, maybe I will end up going back at some point and will be able to see him and Buster again. I hope so. I am so relieved that I no longer have to get up early to trudge around a cold riding school as I try to persuade a slow and tired horse to move! And I am so glad that I will never have to battle with Murphy to get his bridle on again! But like I said, I am sad to say goodbye to everyone. In some ways I will truly miss it and I don't regret my time spent there. It has been hard but I know I got a lot out of it. And I hope that I made a difference, even if it was only in a small way. I think maybe I did. Oh god, it is so hard to think I won't be going back there!  The start date for my job has been moved to next Tuesday now, rather than Monday. I am so frustrated with them as they have really messed me about today. They asked me to start on a Monday and I agreed to even though they know I would prefer not to work Mondays because of my therapy appointments. I told my therapist I would need to miss next week. Then I got an email today asking if I could start Tuesday and ten minutes after that I got another email asking me to start Friday. I said no to Friday because it's my birthday and I don't want to work on my birthday. Plus, I am not mentally prepared to start this week. I need more time. So I told them I can't start Friday but can start any day next week and they asked me to come in Tuesday at 9:30. Not long after that I got an email asking me to start at 8am and before I could even respond to that I got yet another email saying that starting at 9:30 would be fine. Ridiculous, right?! I just sent an email saying, "okay, I will be there at 9.30am on Tuesday!" I hope the use of an exclamation point conveyed my exasperation! And I seriously hope they won't change their minds again because I can't cope with it. I have now let my therapist know I can attend the appointment on Monday so will not be impressed if they decide I can start Monday after all. Not going to happen now because I am not cancelling that appointment again! It doesn't bode well though, does it? |
| Prompt from Blog City: What do you think of water? What are the impressions it brings to your mind? Water is life. It is precious and I am very thankful that I have safe, clean water to drink. I think many of us who have that take it for granted. I do sometimes but try hard not to. Less than 1% of all the water on earth is actually water we can use and it is a finite resource. Shortages and increasing costs are issues that we all have to face up to. Everyone has a responsibility to conserve water and I try to as much as I can. I never leave the tap running when I am cleaning my teeth and take showers rather than baths. I always put a full load in the washing machine. I could do more though! I turn the shower on before I get in it because it runs cold for a few seconds before warming up. Perhaps I should be collecting that cold water water to use elsewhere? Maybe for in the garden or washing my car? I'm not sure. I could probably take less showers too. I have a tendency towards OCD and sometimes that causes me to waste water through excessive washing. But I would never purposefully waste water! I remember when I moved into halls in my first year of university I got into a bit of a debate with a flatmate over wasting water vs. wasting food. When she was washing up her dishes I made a comment that she should turn off the tap, rather than keep it running and wasting water. I don't think she appreciated my input and seemed a bit offended! Some time after that she made a comment when I couldn't finish a meal and threw the leftovers away. She said I shouldn't waste food. What I got from that is that she thinks it's okay to waste water but not food! I don't think she cared about either issue really, but just wanted to get her own back on me. Anyway, what I did wasn't the same as what she did and I told her that. In that situation the food wastage was unavoidable. It wasn't something that could be reheated, nobody else wanted it, and I had inexplicably lost my appetite and couldn't finish it. There was no other use for it! If I had forced myself to eat it all then that would have been wasting it every bit as much as throwing it away, but would have also probably made me feel bloated and sick. When I made it I thought I would be able to eat it all. Yes, it was a waste and I wish I hadn't lost my appetite but that was out of my control. Letting or not letting the water gush down the sink while cleaning the plates up is something we can control. I hate to waste food as much as I hate to waste water but forcing myself to eat more than I feel I can manage is just as wasteful as throwing away the leftovers, so pretty pointless. I hope this makes sense! I feel quite strongly about it and think there is a clear difference between the two situations. What it comes down to really is that we should try our best not to waste water or food. As for the second part of this prompt, I don't really understand it so I am going to leave it. In other news, tomorrow is probably the last time I will be going to the RDA and I feel pretty mixed about that. I have often found going there to be a chore but it is also going to be a wrench saying goodbye to the people and horses I have gotten to know over the past three years. I feel pretty emotional about it! But I've decided that giving it up is for the best. It just isn't going to be possible to keep up two voluntary roles along with a part-time job, part-time course and multiple health problems. I have to be realistic! I am going to attempt to keep my environmental education voluntary job though because I want to keep that line of work open in case I decide to pursue it again in the future. I want to keep my options open. Plus, I like doing my bit for the community and want to show that I don't just do voluntary work when I am unemployed in order to gain references and combat boredom! I also do it because I want to make a difference to other people. So... I'm not sure how I am going to handle tomorrow. Everything is changing and it is all changing too fast. I am absolutely terrified. |
| I'm tired. And stressed about the strangest thing: my hair! My hair is naturally curly and I mostly wear it loose. I have a side parting and layers. For styling I just tend to use a straightening iron on the front sections. This creates a kind of frame for my face. Anyway, recently I have noticed that my hair at the front has become pretty fragile and there are some broken strands, so obviously I need to lay off the heat-styling for a bit! However, I hate how it looks when the front parts are not straightened! Last week I had to go out twice without being able to style my hair in the way I like it and I felt so self-conscious. Everyone tells me I look fine but I don't believe them. This is such a stupid thing to get upset about but it is having a huge impact on my confidence. I generally have a low opinion of my physical appearance but I've always felt I have awesome hair. Now it isn't awesome anymore and I feel completely ugly. I am treating my hair with specialist shampoo and conditioner, have reduced how often I wash it (because that dries it out) and haven't used straighteners for a week and I think all that has helped a tiny bit. I know getting it cut will also help to improve its health but I am reluctant to go to the hairdressers! This is because if they cut the front parts, which are already fairly short, they will curl up even more and I will be even more tempted to use my hair straighteners! But maybe if I get it cut I will be able to use my straighteners again anyway because the damaged parts will be gone? I'm not sure and plan on dropping in on my hairdressers tomorrow for advice before I go to my therapy session. I hope they will tell me that the damage isn't as bad as I think it is! I'm not a vain person, I swear, but I have such low self-esteem and stuff like this affects me a lot. When I was a teenager I didn't give a damn about my looks and felt that they were not important at all. I would always wear my hair in a ponytail and I dressed for comfort. The way we look shouldn't be important, but it is. I learned that the hard way. After starting university I had a couple of experiences where total strangers made insulting and negative comments about my appearance and this was obviously deeply upsetting. Those experiences, plus starting a relationship with Mark, made me want to take better care of my appearance. I got my hair cut into a proper style (and started using hair straighteners) and I began dressing better too, choosing clothes that flatter my body shape, rather than wearing the baggiest things I could find! I noticed immediately that people treated me better. How bad is that? It shouldn't matter how a person looks or how they dress, but it does. But I have just found over the years that I am becoming more and more preoccupied with my appearance and this has gotten worse as my mental health has deteriorated. I am worried I am too fat (which is absurd, because I'm underweight!) I'm worried about the gap in my teeth. I'm worried about the appearance of the skin on my face (I suffer from rosacea, unfortunately). Now my hair! I just want to go back to not caring! Wow, I didn't actually mean to write all that! In other news, I have a new poem in my port:
Not too sure how I feel about it! And I've also updated my Dutch journal for a full week:
But I wish I could stop obsessing over my hair! ARGH! |
| I am so upset! I had another orthodontic assessment this afternoon, at another practice, and it was pretty overwhelming. They took several close-up pictures of my teeth and then put them up on a big screen. I can't tell you how awful it is to see your teeth, and all their flaws, magnified to that extent. On the whole I thought I had pretty nice teeth, but I don't feel like that anymore. I am so confused about the prices I have been quoted and the information I have been given. The first place quoted me £2750 and estimated that treatment would take about 9 months. Today they said treatment would cost about £2000 and take around a year.  I was given more information today about what treatment actually involves and have been told that the lower teeth will be pushed back, making my overbite bigger, probably by 1mm, but possibly more. The orthodontist said this wouldn't be noticeable but I'm not sure. I so badly want my gap corrected but I am worried about how correcting that is going to affect the rest of my teeth and impact on my bite. I don't know why the first practice didn't give me this kind of information. Anyway, everything with my teeth has been getting to me again recently and I feel like today's appointment has sent me to the edge, so I called my care coordinator to get some support. She wasn't available but called me back an hour later. She thinks I start obsessing about my teeth when I am stressed about other things but that isn't entirely accurate. I am ALWAYS obsessed about my teeth, but it does get worse when I'm stressed. But it is ALWAYS there. She won't accept this and is convinced that if I can just distract myself and ease my worries over other things (such as the job etc) then I will stop focusing on my teeth. That is NOT true and I don't appreciate her trying to tell me my mind works a certain way when I am telling her she is wrong. I know myself better than she does! And I swear if my care coordinator says to me one more time that I should think about letting this job go I will punch her in the face! Okay, not really, but that is getting seriously annoying. She should be supporting me with the job, not making me feel like I can't do it. Today she said I should give up the job because it's not worth making myself ill over it and my reply was, "not having a job is making me more ill". Of course I am feeling stressed and anxious about starting the job but as I keep telling her over and over and over again, giving it up is not an option as I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try it. What is making me more ill is my concerns around my teeth but she won't accept that, even when I said, "I need the job so I can pay for orthodontics otherwise I am going to end up killing myself over my teeth". The job is not the problem. The job is a positive thing and an attempt to move forward with my life. Naturally my anxiety has increased but I shouldn't give up on the idea because of that and I don't understand why my care coordinator keeps suggesting I do. Surely she wants her patients to take steps to change their lives and move towards being functional members of society? That's what I'm trying to do and I feel like she is trying to stop me. Why does she keep making me feel like I am not capable of doing this job? And why won't she listen that the main problem for me is my teeth? My ridiculous fixation with the health and appearance of my teeth is ruining my life but I can't get help with that because my care coordinator doesn't believe that's my main issue. What the hell am I supposed to do? |
| So... I can't function in chaos. I just can't! When things get out of control I become self-destructive (e.g. develop an eating disorder!) There is a part of me that needs things to be "just-so". Everything should be tidy and organised. But... there is another part of me that is naturally messy, a slob, I suppose! I think in my heart I just don't give a damn! But my mind certainly does give a damn and is almost constantly shouting, "Order! Order!" A perfect example of this is Monday when my course started. I was very stressed (mostly about the job) and so the crazy "neat freak" in me was preoccupied with the chaos in mind, thus overlooking how messy my room had become, thanks to the slob in me. Then my course started and I wanted to get going with it but suddenly my neat freak part couldn't cope and started shrieking: "no studying can occur in here until order is restored!" So I spent most of the day tidying my room and was finally able to begin my course in the evening. Now, as the neat freak part has again been preoccupied with sorting out new stresses and worries (on top of the old ones), the slob in me is strewing notes, books, files and pens everywhere, to the point where neat freak is beginning to notice and get all fired up! It's so annoying and stressful to have such a conflict going on in your own head! But I suppose they kind of balance things out in a way, at least sometimes -- neat freak stops my room from resembling a rubbish tip and slob stops me from spending my whole life trying to put everything into order. But on the whole neat freak is more dominant and so I end up feeling very stressed about mess and chaos and disorder. Sometimes they can compromise and I live in an organised mess for a while, but neat-freak can't tolerate that for long. So I guess I'll be tidying my room again tomorrow! Anyway, apart from that, studying is still going well and I have done some more reading tonight, though I am avoiding the activities for now because they are worrying me. I need to speed up though. If I am to follow the course calendar, I need to be moving on to Cognitive Psychology, from Social Psychology, on February 2nd. In the Social Psychology module there are four topics and I haven't even finished the first one yet. I should be doing two a week! But I think I'll be able to speed up when I am feeling more settled into a routine and also more confident with what I am doing. I actually think working might help me to get organised with studying because I will need to actively manage my time. I'm sure I'll work it out! I know from this entry I probably sound like I'm doing okay but I'm not. I'm hugely anxious to the point where I felt I needed to take a lorazepam. I'm hoping that will make me sleepy soon. I took a lorazepam tablet on Tuesday as well. I really wish I was managing my anxiety better. |
| Prompt from Blog City: They say we only use 10% of our brain. If you could unlock the other 90%, what would you do with it? I believe that is a myth! We use most of our brain most of the time. I found this on howstuffworks.com :But today's brain researchers, who have much more sophisticated tools than the old electrode-zappers, have discovered that the human brain doesn't seem to have any dormant regions. "It turns out, though, that we use virtually every part of the brain, and that [most of] the brain is active almost all the time," Johns Hopkins University neurologist Barry Gordon explained to Scientific American in 2008. So there you go! However, if I could increase my brain usage or brainpower or whatever then I would use it to learn a second language more quickly and I would use it to take in what I read more effectively. I believe I have some processing issues, probably linked to my Asperger Syndrome, and this can make it very hard for me to absorb what I read. And this, coupled with the concentration problems I get thanks to depression, can make studying seem impossible sometimes! And this is suddenly a hot topic for me seeing as I have begun studying at university level again for the first time since 2009. When I read the first few pages we have been directed to read for my psychology course, I absorbed next to nothing. The only thing I could vaguely remember was a study on the primacy effect that I found interesting. I think because this was my very first foray back into the world of academia that I was feeling nervous and under pressure and that understandably impacted on my level of comprehension! It's hard to understand what you are reading when all you can think about is, "am I doing okay here? I am taking it in, right? Will I remember it?" Well, no, you're not taking it in and you won't remember it because your anxiety is eclipsing everything! Anyway, I was happy that my text book arrived today, the one that we have been advised is the core text for the course. Although it is available on the university's online library, I much prefer to read text off a page than a screen. So when I read a few pages on social communication tonight I was much more comfortable with the medium. Also, as I have now submitted two activities, I am feeling a little less anxious about everything. Therefore I managed to actually take in a lot of what I read earlier, thankfully. And it helps that social communication is an interesting topic to me. I enjoyed reading about how people convey information verbally and non-verbally. I also found it interesting that people often identify themselves by their language, for example, "I am English" or "I am French". I'd never really thought about it in that way before. Speaking of languages, I have been updating my Dutch journal:
So Dutch is going well. Psychology is going well and guess what... I have a start date for my job! On February 2nd I will sign my contract and will officially be a support worker and a paid employee. I am absolutely terrified and will definitely need to use more than 10% of my brain if I am going to be successful at this job! But despite being so scared, I seriously, seriously can't wait to feel like a regular, functioning, contributing member of society. And I seriously, seriously can't wait to meet someone new and for them to ask me, "what do you do?" I'll be able to say "I'm a support worker for people with autism and a psychology student too".  I feel like maybe, just maybe, everything is coming together... fingers crossed, anyway. |
| My online psychology course went live today. Our very first task was to start a thread in the "student cafe" to introduce ourselves. By around 8pm nobody had done it so I was brave and went first! Since then one person has responded to my thread, so that's nice. She has asked me why I've taken such a big leap from studying Animal Biology and Conservation to studying Psychology! I'll respond tomorrow though because my brain is hurting too much right now. One thing that's really weird is posting in a forum under my real name! But of course I can't use "Ghostranch" at university! So I have made a start on the course because I'm aiming to do a little bit each day. I think little often is the way to go so I don't get overwhelmed and also so I don't forget what I have learned. The first module is Social Psychology and the first topic is Social Perception. We have been directed to read a few pages of the core text, which is online thankfully seeing as my copy hasn't arrived yet! After that there is a short activity, which seems simple enough, but is actually terrifying me! All we have to do is think about someone we met recently and and list all the sources of "social information" that caused us to form a first impression. I have written my answer but will probably wait until tomorrow to submit it... or maybe the day after if I'm not feeling brave tomorrow! No, I will do it tomorrow... I so badly want to do well on this course and have to be wary of putting too much pressure on myself and inducing "performance anxiety", which is likely to impact on my performance negatively. While the activities do get graded, I don't think they contribute towards the final grade. The important assessments are the online tests, an essay and a report. I am not looking forward to any of those! I can't tell you how weird this all feels... to be studying again ten years after I first began at university. It is unsettling me a lot and making me reflect on the past, which isn't good for me as I am prone to negative rumination. But doing this course is a positive thing. This and the new job may just be the start of a new life for me. Who knows? I am determined to be a completely different student this time around though. The first time I was lazy about any subjects that didn't interest me. Also, I kind of just let things happen and didn't take control. I would leave things to the last minute and wouldn't ask for help if I needed it. I began to change that in my final year and thankfully it wasn't too late as I ended up getting a very respectable degree class, and the one I aimed to achieve. But this time I will be organised, work hard, work often, use my time effectively and hopefully have a much more enjoyable and much less stressful experience. That is the plan anyway. Wow, I can't believe how fast things are happening and changing. I just hope they are changing for the better! |
Call me crazy but... I've decided to "Give It 100!" I have just committed to studying Dutch for 100 days (with a 14 day off allowance). Why? Well, why not?! I'm enjoying it so I may as well! I find it relaxing so if I manage to stick at the job and my psychology course I will need some downtime to do something fun and relaxing and why not use learning Dutch for that? And by signing up to the challenge I feel more invested in my learning because I do not want to lose my 10,000gp stake! Anyway, here is my journal to keep track of my progress:
In other news... my allergies are so, so bad tonight and I am miserable. But I am seeing my GP on Tuesday and plan on saying, "please help me with my allergies. Antihistamines do not work and I am on the verge of cutting off my nose!" He knows I'm a bit crazy so may just take me seriously! I am so nervous about my course starting tomorrow and spent some time earlier looking at the book list and working out the cheapest places to buy core texts. I think I am going to purchase a lot of the books second hand because that is the cheapest way to do it. Plus I still have some of the £200 book token left that I won, so I can use that. Aaaaaand... I've put a couple on my birthday list. Also, some of the texts are available online on the university's library database so it isn't necessary to buy them all. Hopefully I'll be able to keep costs down! I seriously can't believe I'm doing this... |
| Prompt from Blog City: What's your favorite type of puzzle to do? Word Search? Sudoku? Crossword? Rubic's cube? Jigsaw? Do you do one I didn't name ? Why? Relaxation or mind stimulation. I love puzzles! I do them for both relaxation and mind stimulation. I like crosswords best and do one most days as I tend to complete the one that comes with the newspaper. I only like straightforward crosswords puzzles, not the cryptic ones, which I find annoying. I love word searches too and have to say I am pretty awesome at them. I've always had this rule with word searches that I have to find the words in order, and even if I happen to spot another word, I can't mark it off in the grid until I get to it on the list! It's an OCD thing really and I've done that since I was a child. I used to do word searches with a friend of my parent's and she was always amused by my silly rule! I once had a "word search race" with someone at school and absolutely crushed her! I don't know why but I'm just really good at them.I do all kinds of other puzzles too, including Sudoku puzzles, but I'm not so good at them! I like arrow words and criss-cross puzzles as well. And jigsaws are so much fun! I can do a 500 piece jigsaw in one sitting. I like them because I enjoy exercising my brain and, because that's something I find fun, it relaxes me. Often I will do puzzles if I am too depressed to read. But today I have just been playing chess on my computer! I am now winning more often than losing, though still make lots of stupid mistakes. Once I have reduced those stupid mistakes I think I will increase the difficulty level. Most of the time I checkmate the king using the Queen and a rook, or occasionally two rooks. In my last game I checkmated the king with a rook, king and pawn. I was so proud of that! The pawn position was a fluke, to be honest, but I am happy with the way I drove the king to the edge of the board and got my other pieces into position. I'm never going to be a grand master, but at least I'm having fun. And at least I am getting better... for a while I thought I might never get past the "shockingly awful" stage; now I'm just awful! |
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