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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Yay! I completed my week of "pre-employment" training. Now, as soon as I get my DBS back, I can start work. There are still some training courses I have to complete but I am allowed to attend those courses after I have started working there. So... I have taken another step (or few) on this terrifying journey. I am hoping to put off my start date until February, which I know is kind of cowardly, but still, I feel like I need some time to mentally prepare. But I also know, deep down, that the sooner I start the better really because my anxiety is only going to build and build. ARGH! Anyway, the best thing about today is that I learned I am going to be paid for this week of training!  I felt that all of us who attended should get paid but because it hadn't been mentioned at all I was starting to think maybe we were just expected to do it in order to get the job. It won't be much as it is a low paid job but, even doing part time hours, it will certainly be more than I get now through benefits (as the government expect unemployed people to live on a pittance, as if unemployment is some kind of crime warranting punishment). But enough of that! I can't wait to to get more money! That's if I can handle the job...  Bizarrely, during this week I have become addicted to chess.  As I've been so stressed I haven't really felt up to reading in the evenings after training and so I looked for games on my computer and came across "Chess Titans". I know the basic rules of chess because Mark once showed me. Plus, when I was a child I think I sometimes (sort of) played it with my brother. I'm pretty sure I knew how the pieces could move then but I had no idea what I was doing and would just randomly move pieces around the board, and often into the paths of my brother's pieces! So... my first few games, playing against the computer, were ridiculously quick and brutal, but then I figured out how to lower the difficulty level! After a while I became pretty good at clearing the other side's pieces off the board but I could not end the game! I would just chase that king around the board until my computer got fed up and announced a draw! I'm pretty sure I missed multiple opportunities to checkmate the king but I just couldn't figure it out and I couldn't be bothered to read up on the subject because I have taken in so much information this week that there just isn't room for anymore for the time being! But with perseverance (and trial and error) I started to figure it out and I looked at a few online diagrams of checkmate situations (that was easier than reading about it!) and now I have won four games. Admittedly I won two of those by luck but there was some strategy involved in my other two victories... not much but some! It is soooooooo addictive though! Also in the evenings this week I have been keeping up with my Dutch lessons and think I have finally got to grips with "geen" and "niet". I am thoroughly enjoying learning this language and can hardly wait until I am more fluent. I find it very easy to read and as my goal is to become fluent in reading it... well, I think it could happen! And in other news I am starting my online psychology course next week. I'm pretty terrified and stressed about that too! So my apologies for not being around much but I am extremely busy due to starting a new job, learning a new language and beginning a university-level psychology course! If I could get a handle on my anxiety and stress, I might actually be able to enjoy feeling fulfilled for once! Edit: make that FIVE victories in chess, three using some kind of strategy!  |
| While I'm not ready to celebrate just yet, I'm quietly confident I'm going to make it through this week of training because I have just one day left and I think it will be easy to get through in comparison to today. My first day of training was an "Introduction to Autism" course, which I found rather tedious because I already know a lot about autism. Hell, I have autism! And while that doesn't make me an expert on anyone else with autism, it isn't exactly a subject I need an introduction to! But still, I got through it okay. Then, Tuesday, Wednesday and today was a NAPPI training course. NAPPI stands for Non-Abusive Psychological and Physical Intervention. I'm not going to lie, this three day course has been terrifying and intensive and my anxiety levels have been pushed to the limit. The first day and half of the second day were dedicated to the psychological side of things, for example how to de-escalate a situation using psychological interventions. We went through all the company jargon and learned what constitutes an agitated level of behaviour, for example, as opposed to a dangerous level behaviour etc. There was a lot to take in! Some of it was interesting but some of it began to make me panic about what I am letting myself in for with this job. And that was only going to get worse! The rest of the course was all about how to physically intervene in dangerous situations and how to restrain people who are displaying dangerous behaviour. Basically it was all about self-protection and we learned how to get out of situations where people have grabbed hold of your wrist, throat or hair. We also learned how to release ourselves from a bite. A bite! Yes, you are in danger of being bitten in this job! We learned how to get out of these situations using the least amount of force, so as not to injure the other person. Though to be honest, if someone has their hands around my throat to the point where I can't breathe I'm getting them off me by any means necessary and I don't care much if I hurt them in the process! But yes, we have to keep service-users' welfare in mind at all times, even if their teeth are buried nice and deep in your flesh! But the training itself was terrifying enough, without imagining all the things I may end up having to deal with for real! It was physically and mentally demanding and I was in an extremely heightened state of anxiety for the whole of today. Because of that I have been very tense all day and am now feeling a lot achier than I probably would if I had been more relaxed. It has been horrible, honestly! Not only have I been facing up to the realities of the job, I was also getting watched and judged on how I performed physical manoeuvres. And sometimes we had to do them in front of the whole group. This is my idea of a nightmare! And the training is very limited too because of course we couldn't really bite or choke each other. The lady I was working with was lovely but she was sometimes too lovely! I think she was worried about hurting me so she often wouldn't put up enough resistance or use enough force. So I feel confident I can release myself if someone has a nice, loose grip on my hair, but if they have a huge chunk of it in a tightly clenched fist, well... I'm not so sure I could get out of that! I honestly don't know if this job is for me or if I'm going to be able to handle it, mentally or physically. But I don't think I'll ever know unless I try it so I have to least try, which I plan on doing. I'm hoping because they know I have Asperger Syndrome and anxiety that they will put me with their most high-functioning, least aggressive individuals. I know I am going to be supported by another staff member too. I don't know if that is forever but I kind of hope so because I don't think I ever want to do lone work. I'm so stressed and terrified about it all but am trying not to think too far ahead. One step at a time is the way to go and I still have one day of training left for this week. But... I'm doing it! I survived NAPPI training! I am almost through a week of training despite feeling excessively anxious, incredibly down and like I want to die. Four days down, one to go. I almost feel like I'm a regular person as I have been going out to work every day for a week. That's a good feeling, on the whole! |
 I am in a high state of anxiety and am also extremely exhausted... not a good combination! I am so nervous about tomorrow and am not sure I am up to it. Physically I am doing much better, but am not 100% and feel kind of washed out. Mentally, I am doing crap. I am obsessing over my teeth again. Well, I hardly ever stop obsessing over them but it gets much worse when I am stressed. This is crazy but I haven't even told my family I have a job yet and they have no idea that I have a week of training courses ahead of me. Partly this is because I can't cope with the fuss and questioning that will ensue if I tell them and partly because I still think something is going to go wrong and that it will all fall through. I am anxious about beginning my course and starting the job for real. Basically I am terrified about the MASSIVE changes that are about to happen in my life.I AM ANXIOUS ABOUT ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING! Today has been long and tedious. I don't feel like I have done a whole lot though I have studied a lot of Dutch, mostly going over words and phrases I have learned already, but adding in a few new ones too. I am still grappling with "het" and " de" and also "geen" and "niet". I am trying to learn when to put the letter "e" on the end of adjectives and when not to, but every time I grasp the rules I forget them about five minutes later! Nederlands is moeilijk!  At least it has taken my mind off things a bit though. |
I've had such a crappy day, honestly.  I woke up at 11:45am after spending about 13 hours in bed!  I must have needed it. I'm still ill and didn't get much sleep the night before. So it was good to get the rest finally but I felt horribly dehydrated and kind of weak too.After three glasses of water and a bit of food I felt well enough to call the mental health team to see if I could finally get some support. I asked to speak to my care coordinator only to be told she was in a meeting. This INFURIATED me! I left messages for her on the 23rd and 31st of December and again on January 6th. My therapist left a message for her. A lady from the out of hours service left a message. So did the duty worker and my GP. Why wasn't she calling me?! Well, she did eventually call me and said she hadn't received messages from out of hours or my GP. So what? Presumably she got the messages from me and my therapist? She also said she'd been on leave for two weeks -- you'd think other members of staff would have told me that when I called asking to speak to her.  I kind of lost it and started ranting about how she said she would call me on the 23rd of December but didn't and was supposed to get me a doctor's appointment before I start work... but didn't. However, I wasn't very coherent due to having a cold and also crying and she didn't address anything I said but just said, "Jessica, Jessica, come on!" in a very patronising voice. Whatever! I will be putting it all in writing because, yes, I am making another complaint to the mental health team. I feel like I have to, not just for my own sake, but for all the people who are also getting this shoddy service who may not have the ability to speak up about it. I told her I have training next week but am ill with the flu and having a mental breakdown and she said in a sceptical tone, "You saw your therapist on Monday -- it doesn't say in the notes anything about you having a breakdown." I stand corrected! I'm not having a breakdown because the notes from my therapy session don't mention it! Haha!She doesn't believe I am having a breakdown because "people having breakdowns do not think about going to training". Well, fuck her. That just proves she knows absolutely nothing about me or my life or pretty much anything, actually. Because I keep going NO MATTER WHAT. I got a degree despite having nightly mental breakdowns the week before my research paper was due in. When I was referred to the home treatment team a few months ago and almost got hospitalised I was STILL APPLYING FOR JOBS. That's crazy, I know! And I'm not the only one. I know of someone who got day-release from a mental hospital so they could attend an interview. Some people are like that... I'm like that. We are desperately still trying to function and be normal members of society when our mental health is in tatters. It's so sad that some people are too closed-minded to realise that. People like my care coordinator can't fathom anyone who doesn't fit the textbook definition of someone with depression and other mental health problems and I am sick of it. Anyway, she said I need to think about whether I'm going to try to attend the training or whether I'm going to let the job go and I said, "obviously," which was kind of rude, I know, but politer than what I wanted to say, which was, "thank you, Captain Obvious!" And for the second time in the last couple of months I felt like she was trying to dissuade me from trying the job, which is shocking to me. Surely they want their patients to be working, functioning people? Surely they should be supporting my attempts to do this, not making me feel like I can't do it? It's absurd! I ended up hanging up on her because I felt so frustrated. Then I had a call from my new work programme adviser and thank goodness I switched advisers because she's wonderful. Guess what she's going to do? She's going to call me at 8:30 Monday morning to talk things through with me before I attempt to do the training (because I'm going to try, even if it kills me). And she has said I can drop into the office when I'm finished to talk through how it went and how I'm doing etc. She has told me to take it one step at a time and to only think about Monday right now, because to think that I have to complete 35 hours of training next week is way too overwhelming. She was so compassionate and encouraging. Why can't my care coordinator be like that? Oh, and my GP is allowing me to go in and see him again on Tuesday after I finish training, even though his surgery will probably be finished by then. There are people trying to help me, thankfully, even if nobody in the mental health team is. So... with my determination, and the support of my work programme adviser and GP (and Mark, of course, who always supports me  ), maybe I can get through next week? Like I said, I'm certainly going to try. And all I can do is hope that one day I will be able to live a normal life without needing all this extra support. But I do need it right now and I wonder if anyone in the mental health team will ever come to realise that? They have let me down so, so much.  |
| Hallo, mijn naam is Jess. Ik heb een hond. Haar naam is Jade. Translation: Hello, my name is Jess. I have a dog. Her name is Jade. Oh my god, Dutch is so hard! For a start they have two words for "the", which are "het" and "de". The word "het" is used for neuter words, whereas "de" is used for both masculine and feminine words. But there are no rules to determine which words are neuter and which are masculine/feminine -- they just have to be learned by heart. Crazy! Oh, and to make matters worse, "het" can also mean "it" and I'm sure it can be used a third way as well, though I can't remember right now! I have been doing pretty good with it though until I completed the lessons on possessives. I'm so confused! There are four words for "your" (je/jouw/uw/jullie) and I've already forgotten what "yours" is. I can't hear the difference between "je" and "jouw". And "mine" is de/het mijne or van mij, but I don't understand the difference. Maybe there isn't one? I don't know if there are any rules about using one over the other. I'm enjoying it though and am finding it much easier to understand through reading than listening. I am quite good at working out sentences when I have to read and translate the Dutch into English. I'm okay-ish at translating English into Dutch but sometimes get things muddled. I'm not too sure when to use "geen" or "niet" for example -- they seem to mean the same thing but are used in different circumstances. I haven't figured out the rules yet! But it's a learning process and I think I'm doing okay!  Anyway, I really feel the need to talk about my horrendous therapy session. Mostly it actually went okay but towards the end I expressed my anxiety over having so few sessions remaining when I have made little progress with managing my eating disorder. My therapist didn't really reassure me and so I got incredibly depressed and kind of shut down. Then I said I wasn't sure if I should bother returning for the last five sessions and she snapped, "well that's your choice". I realise now that I went about it the wrong way but I was just trying to seek reassurance that it is worth attending the last sessions. I wasn't intending to be disrespectful or ungrateful at all, but I can see now that it sounded that way. Honestly, I'm just terrified about my therapy ending and still being how I was at the beginning. So yeah, it ended on a bad note, with her saying in a really off-handish manner something like, "I'll see you next week if you decide to come" and me saying "I don't even know if I will be alive by then". Dramatic and immature, I know, but I was hugely distressed! Then I got to the corridor and I literally couldn't walk any further. I was so spent, emotionally and mentally. I just sat on the floor and sobbed. I can't tell you how soul-destroying it is to put your faith and trust in someone, to be vulnerable and ask for their help, only to be let down time and time again.  Several people who passed me in the corridor asked if I was okay or needed help and somebody got the receptionist who went to try and get my therapist. But then the receptionist came back and said, "she says you do this at the end of every session and that you have to go". I was so incredibly insulted by that. I have done it twice and the first time was different. The first time I was having an anxiety attack and didn't feel safe to drive so I waited until I had calmed down. This time I thought I might commit suicide if I left and so I felt unsafe to leave. I don't want to die and in that moment I felt like my choices were "leave and kill myself" or "stay in this building to keep myself safe". I think I did the right thing. My therapist did come to me eventually but she was incredibly cold and I could tell I was irritating her. I will never, ever understand how a person could be hostile and cold to someone who is so distressed. It is totally beyond my comprehension. I thought I wouldn't be able to go back. I didn't want to see her ever again because I am so hurt and angry about the way she spoke to me. But... she called me earlier today to check up on me and also told me that she has tried to contact my care coordinator (as have I!) to try and get me some more support. It means a lot to me that she called actually and that she is taking my meltdown seriously and trying to get me the help I need. She hasn't been able to reach my care coordinator either and has said that she will email her again and also email the psychiatrist. So, I think I will be able to face her again. If she hadn't called, that would have been it. I don't think I would have gone back. And in other news, I've had an email from my new employer asking if I can attend training next week. I've said yes but it is incredibly full on -- I will be in every day next week. I just hope I am physically and mentally well enough to go. I still have the flu (I think it is flu rather than a cold) and mentally I am doing crap and feeling very fragile. But I have four days to recover from the flu and to try and get myself a bit more mentally stable. I am so, so anxious about the training. I really can't think about it anymore! |
| I'm so unwell! I woke up with a ridiculously sore throat, sore chest and a cough. I've also got a headache, severe muscle aches and extreme hypersensitivity. I get that a lot when I'm ill but have never had it this bad. Every movement was painful and it even hurt when my clothes rubbed against my skin. I couldn't get comfortable in bed and was pretty much in agony. Sorry to be dramatic but it has been really bad! Though thankfully that has eased a bit now. Also, I have vomited.  Sorry if that's too much information but it's a big deal because I am very emetophobic and I think this is the first time I have thrown up in about thirteen years. The last time I remember it happening was when I had appendicitis and I am wondering if it's that experience that triggered my phobia. But, I survived and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be!I have slept on and off a lot today and have been having lemsip since I stopped feeling so nauseous, which is helping a bit with the aches and pains. Thankfully I only threw up once and have since been able to eat a bit. All I've had today though is some tomatoes, a crumpet with a bit of butter and a small trifle I had this evening. I was nervous about having something so sugary but it was fine and helped my sore throat a bit. I'm cooking some chips right now because I'm very hungry and craving something savoury. I feel like eating crisps but think that would be a bit much for my throat right now. I am feeling so sorry for myself! I haven't been this ill in a long time but hopefully it will pass quickly. I think I have quite a robust immune system! Anyway, when I am better I might blog about my last therapy session, which was horrendous. I have five sessions left but I don't think I can go back because of how awful it was. But more about that another time. I also want to blog about Jade, who is struggling a lot at the moment and pretty much breaking my heart. But I'll save that until I'm feeling less fragile!My apologies for the pity party but sometimes I think it's okay to wallow a bit when you're ill! All sympathy is very welcome! I hope to catch up on blogs tomorrow. |
Hallo! Hoe gaat het? Ik spreek Nederlands... een beetje!  Translation: Hello! How are you? I speak Dutch... a bit! I've found a website where you can learn a new language for free -- it's Duolingo.com and it's very addictive. I have wanted to learn Dutch for a long time but am not really in a position to pay for lessons with a tutor or buy any kind of educational software, both of which can cost hundreds of pounds! So for now I am going to learn the basics using the website, and to begin with I am just concerned with learning to read it rather than speak it. My ambition is to be able to read Anne Frank's diary in the language she wrote it in: Dutch. Once I am proficient at reading it, and once I have more time and money, I think I will pay for lessons with a tutor to learn to speak it correctly. I have always wanted to learn another language. I have GCSE qualifications in French and German, so must have known the basics of both languages at one time, but because I didn't keep practising I have forgotten a lot of what I learned. Maybe once I am better at Dutch, I will work through the French and German programmes on the website to refresh my skills. The next time I go to Amsterdam I want to be able to speak and read the language! When I went last year I took a phrasebook but I lacked the confidence to attempt to say anything in Dutch beyond "dank u wel" (thank you), and I even felt self-conscious saying that! I think it is rude to go to another country and just expect the local people to speak my language though. I'm a very polite person and would like to be able to at least say "please" and "thank you" to a person in their language if I am in their country! I just wish the Dutch word for "please" wasn't so hard to say! It's "alsjeblieft". Anyway, I am aware that a while ago I was very determined to refresh my French but I didn't stick at it. That's partly because the software I had wasn't very good and partly because I wasn't feeling very focused. I'm hoping I will stick at the Dutch lessons. Maybe I will this time because I have a specific goal: reading Anne Frank's Diary in Dutch. Plus, I really like the website! The Dutch programme is a beta programme but I'm sure it's fine for the basics and I'll use other websites to help me too as I get more advanced. I think this could be fun! |
| ARGH! I am not good! And I'm feeling sorry for myself. Sorry to moan, but I need to! It's 4am and I can't sleep. Physically, I am doing crap. My allergies are so, so bad and I am ridiculously close to taking drastic action... yep, I'm going to cut my nose off! ARGH! Inhalers don't work. Nasal sprays don't work. Antihistamines don't work. What else can I try? If I go to my doctor and say, "please help me with my allergies otherwise I'm going to cut my nose off" do you think he'll try to help or just have me locked up for my own safety?! I'm not sure what else can be done to treat allergies... And, to make matters worse, I think my eczema has returned. Long-term readers of my blog may remember that I got eczema on my feet over a year and a half ago now and that it became increasingly hard to cope with. Well, just as suddenly as it started, it stopped, and I have been eczema-free for months and months. Now it seems to be back. What's weird though is that when I had it before, my left foot was always much worse than the right, but tonight, my right foot is red and burning and itchy and the left one seems fine. I've put bucketloads of moisturiser on the right one though and hopefully that will stave it off and stop it from getting as bad as it was in 2013. Maybe I should put some on the left one as well, as a preventative measure? I can't believe this! Like I don't have enough to cope with... I'm also dealing with problems with my mouth and teeth and an almost constant headache.Mentally I am doing worse than crap... partly because of my physical problems, but also because of the other stuff that's going on for me currently and the waiting around for stuff. I'm waiting to hear if my university are going to charge me an additional £300 for my psychology course and I have no idea if that's going to happen. Also, between Christmas and New Year I received letters from my dentist and from the student finance company. The letter from my dentist was basically just a recap of the appointments I had with her and the treatments she gave me, which was frustrating! I attended those appointments so didn't need an explanation of them! And she failed to address all the concerns I raised. The letter from student finance was a rejection of my Disabled Student Allowance claim. When I called for more information they said it was rejected because my course doesn't last a year. My course does last a year! Anyway, I can't address either problem until next week so I'm hugely stressed. I can't stand everything being up in the air. I need to sort things out now, now, NOW! I am seriously not coping and my thoughts keep turning to suicide, which is terrifying. I don't want to die but I can't stand living like this. I am desperately trying to keep going because I do not want to die having not tried to do the job and the course. These things could change everything and if I can just hang on in order to give them a go... I am trying, believe me. I will be relieved to see my therapist on Monday after a two week gap. But I don't want to end this entry on such a depressing note, so... in other news, despite feeling so bad I have been able to read. Yay! I read an awesome John Irving book called A Son of the Circus and after that I read a book called Elizabeth Is Missing by Emma Healey, which I also loved. And now I am reading The Book of Strange New Things by Michel Faber, who is fast becoming one of my favourite authors. I might read a bit more of that and then try to get some sleep. Hopefully I will be feeling a little better when I wake up. |
  HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope everyone has a peaceful, healthy and productive 2015! I'm sure I'm not the only one who is glad to say goodbye to 2014. I said it a few entries ago but I'll say it again: I feel that 2014 was the worst year of my life but also that I hit a turning point towards the end of it. Maybe things had to get that bad in order to change? I think 2015 has the potential to be a much different year and in my brighter moments I feel that I could be making a start on getting my life back on track. That's an exciting prospect but also a daunting one. Having felt completely stuck for the last six years, since I graduated from university, it's nice to feel that things are finally changing, but it's also scary to be leaving this rut that I have become so familiar with. Does that make sense? But I've never been one to shy a way from a challenge or to hide away when things get scary, so I'm going to start my psychology course later this month and I'm going to start the job I have been offered (whenever I get my start date!) and I'm going to do my best at both. I'm still unwell but I realised over the course of 2014 that depression and anxiety are always going to be with me. There is no cure for me -- I just have to learn to manage and live with my conditions. Yes, I realised that, but now I am in the process of accepting it. I'm not quite there yet but I feel if I can accept it then I can start taking steps to improve my quality of life. Anyway, I am not getting off to a good start for 2015 as I have hit a real low, unfortunately. It has been building for a while and kind of exploded yesterday. I have been trying to do the right thing for a while now by contacting the mental health team and attempting to see my psychiatrist, but to no avail. My care coordinator has really dropped the ball -- she was supposed to speak to the doctor and call me last week to let me know when my appointment will be, but she didn't. And she is off this week. It's frustrating. I saw my GP instead but he is limited in what he can do. We both feel I need to take something long-term for my anxiety so he started me off on citalopram again. Having already tried this one at least twice, I am not overly hopeful that it is going to help. That's one of the reasons I want to see the psychiatrist -- he is supposedly the specialist and may be able to prescribe me something else that I haven't tried yet. I'm not a Scrooge but I think think the Christmas period has contributed to my deteriorated mental state. It just seems that everything grinds to a halt during the festive season and that's hard to cope with when you are waiting for things to happen... when you are waiting for life-changing things to happen. I feel like I am in limbo and I am not coping too well with feeling like that! So yeah, my anxiety is sky high and my mood is rock bottom. I didn't want to start the new year like this. But I am clinging on to the hope that things will begin changing for the better just as soon as the world gets going again next week! Prompt from Blog City: What do you wish you were doing New Years Eve? Going to New York to watch the ball drop at Midnight or go to a party where everyone dresses up fancy? What do you do on New Years Eve? What ever you do, please be safe! I have spent the last few New Year's eves in with Mark. This is partly because we're not exactly party animals and partly because my dog gets scared of fireworks and I want to stay with her. However, Jade is now so deaf she can't actually hear the fireworks, so I didn't feel guilty about going out last night! Mark and I went to the cinema to see The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies and we both really enjoyed it. Of the three hobbit movies, I think this one is my favourite. It was kind of sad to say goodbye to Middle Earth though! We got home before midnight and just kind of chilled out, putting the television on at 11:55 in order to watch the countdown and fireworks in London. After that we played a couple of games of Trivial Pursuit and then just read for a while. Apart from feeling quite low, that was a perfect way to spend New Year's Eve for me -- spending time with my partner,watching a good film, wishing in the new year in the warmth etc. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else or doing anything else. I sometimes think it would be nice to go to London one year to see the fireworks but then I remember I don't like crowds or the cold! I was happy to stay in with Mark and Jade again. |
| I haven't blogged for a few days, mostly because I've had high anxiety over everything feeling so out of control. The issue with the dentist... has not been resolved. The issue with the university... has not been resolved. I have no start date for my job, no dates to complete the training and haven't been sent a link so I can get my DBS done -- this is a requirement of the job as I will be working with vulnerable people. I cannot handle everything being up in the air like this and I am hugely stressed right now! I have also found myself in a bit of a ridiculous situation with the mental health service. Last week I called on Tuesday and asked if I could make an appointment with my psychiatrist. I spoke to his secretary who said she would check with him and get back to me. She didn't, so I called again on Wednesday and she said the doctor hadn't gotten back to her. On Thursday my care coordinator called me and said appointments with the psychiatrist need to go through the care coordinator, so I should have called her. Thing is I don't like her so wanted to bypass her! As I had an appointment booked with her for the following day she said she would "assess" me and then make an appointment if she felt it was appropriate. I was offended at her use of the word "assess" to be honest. I feel that "discuss things with you" would have been a better phrase!Anyway, she "assessed" me and felt it would be good for me to see the psychiatrist (I knew that would be the outcome!) because my mood has dropped, I want to go back on medication (though I specifically said to her I will not go back on the moclobemide) and I also want to discuss the possibility of a bipolar diagnosis. She said she would call me later that day to let me know when the appointment will be. So she did call me... and said the psychiatrist wants me to go back on moclobemide and that I should never have stopped taking it without his input!  I immediately said, "I'm not taking that" to which she responded with, "well, that's your choice". Yes, of course it's my bloody choice! I didn't say that but wish I had! But I did go into a massive rant about how I tried to get an appointment with him when I wanted to come off the tablets but he wouldn't see me because I was under the home treatment team. And the home treatment team wouldn't let me see their doctor. So what the hell was I supposed to do?! I knew the medication was increasing my anxiety and obsessive thoughts -- I'd been telling that to everyone involved with my care for at least a month -- so I decided for my own sanity to just stop taking it. Is that unreasonable? What else could I have done? I think I'd be in the hospital right now if I hadn't stopped taking that medication. So my care coordinator is speaking to the psychiatrist again on Tuesday and seeing if I can get an appointment as soon as possible. The whole thing is so annoying as I know I need to see the doctor and should have seen him last week when I first asked to see him! Sorry if that was boring but I needed to vent about it! To top everything off, I have had a major flare up of the physical problem I have been battling for over a year now so I am feeling pretty sorry for myself! But on the positive side, Mark is arriving tonight and spending Christmas and New Year with me. Yay! |
| I am absolutely exhausted. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was stressed and then I had to get up early. I had two training sessions for my new job today and they were... urgh. The first one was called Moving and Handling and was all about how to move and handle things, obviously! Haha! Well, it was about how to minimise the risk of injury when lifting or moving heavy things, and there was also a bit of information about moving and handling people using hoist machines and drag sheets etc. That worried me because I am teeny-tiny and I doubt I could move a child, let alone a fully-grown man! But a lady who has worked there for a while told me that all the service-users in this area are fully mobile. Plus, as I said before, I'm hoping to work in outreach rather than supported-living and I think they are likely to put me with more able people. I hope so anyway because I just don't feel especially confident about helping people who are very disabled and I don't feel like I could do it well, when obviously it is an important job to get right. I found the training absurd and pointless. We were given a short list of every day activities such as driving, ironing, shopping and playing with a child, and we had to list what kind of injuries those activities could cause and how to reduce the risk of those injuries. I used my common sense and put down things such as "take breaks if on a long car journey" and "distribute the weight of shopping" etc but then the trainer went through this and his "tips" for reducing risk were ridiculous. Here's a couple of examples: to reduce the risk of hurting yourself while shopping, he said to order your groceries online and bribe the delivery man to carry it into the house for you. Um, would that be possible when supporting a service-user with their shopping? Would the company allow that? I doubt it! Then for reducing the risk when playing with a child he said, "well, don't have children." Seriously. That was it. I waited a moment expecting him to say, "only joking!" but that never came. The rest of the session was pretty much like that and it was THREE HOURS LONG! I wanted to die, honestly! There was a really basic assessment at the end with questions like this: which of the following is NOT important when using a hoist: 1. the safety of the service-user; 2. communicating with the service-user; 3. the colour of the hoist. Yes, seriously. Seriously! I mean, what the hell? WHAT THE HELL?! It was so surreal. And the second session on Infection Control wasn't much better. We had to do this activity where we put a special lotion on our hands and went to wash it off. Then the trainer used a UV light to see if we had cleaned it all off, demonstrating an ability to wash our hands correctly, despite failing to go through the correct techniques with us first. That made me so, so anxious but thankfully I did a good job and had no trace of lotion left on my skin. Yes, thanks to OCD I am very efficient at washing my hands! Overall I am not getting a good vibe about the organisation. I like the way they talk about their service-users and they seem to be very respectful of the people they support, which is great, but the training so far has been beyond ridiculous and their communication within the company is incredibly poor. People turned up today not knowing what course they were on or if they needed to do it. The trainer didn't have a list of who was coming. I get the feeling their hearts are in the right place, but their brains are not engaged. I am desperate to offer to re-write their training because it definitely needs it! Having a guy telling anecdotal stories about the work he has done does not constitute training! I'm feeling quite disappointed and my anxiety about working there is increasing, especially as some of the people who have worked there a while had some "horror" stories to tell. I'm hoping that the on-the-job training will be much better but I think I'm mostly just hoping that accepting this job won't turn out to be a terrible, terrible mistake... |
| I'm having a crazy week and it's only Tuesday! My last therapy session of 2014 went quite well yesterday but I am feeling anxious that I don't have many left, yet am still engaging in lots of disordered eating behaviours. I have definitely been opening up more but I feel like I need some structured help and support with the actual eating disorder. In the afternoon I went to a Fire Awareness training session and it was pretty tedious, but lasted less than an hour so wasn't too bad. It was all common sense stuff and I'm pretty sure I passed the short assessment at the end! In the evening I saw my doctor and tried to discuss an ongoing physical problem I've had for well over a year now. It was so, so bad yesterday that I was beyond the point of coping with it. I have been seeing a surgical team about it but found out yesterday they have discharged me because they don't feel they can do anything else and this made me distraught! It's so horrible to feel so completely helpless. My doctor has prescribed me Amitriptyline, which they sometimes use for chronic pain, but I am reluctant to take it. When I took that for my depression I had dizziness, heart palpitations and a high heart rate. I also had a three day anxiety attack when I came off it, which was so severe an ambulance was called out to me. Because I was done coping, and I didn't feel my GP had been especially helpful about this particular problem, I called the out of hours service and they advised me to go to an urgent care centre. I did but after an hour of waiting my anxiety was so high I had to leave without seeing anyone. I had a major anxiety attack and felt suicidal. I started freaking out about the rest of the training I have to do and also the job -- I started panicking that if I'm this worried about the training, what am I going to be like when I actually start the job. Mark tried to help me over the phone but I was not in a good way. I ended up taking 1mg of Lorazepam to help me calm down and sleep. That meant I was still drowsy this morning so I had to call in sick for the early training session and I feel pretty bad about that. But I wasn't up to driving! I made myself go to the afternoon one though. You win some and you lose some, I suppose. I have pretty severe anxiety issues and generally I am very good at continuing to function despite it, but about 5% of the time I have to give into it and I did that last night, taking the medication when I knew it was likely to mean I wouldn't be able to drive in the morning. But I made sure I came back fighting and I pushed myself to go to the afternoon session. Now I just have to get through the two sessions tomorrow and I think that will be it until next month. One good thing about today is that I finally saw my new manager and had a brief discussion with her, which has now made me feel so much better about everything! She is being extremely supportive and we have agreed that it might be better for me to start off on part time hours and see how I go. She also thinks that we need to take a trial and error approach and see which areas suit me etc. AND... she sees my Asperger Syndrome as a good thing as I might be able to help give more insight into their service users etc. So yay! It all seems to be working out. I am still feeling very anxious about it all, but knowing they are willing to employ me despite my issues, and that they are going to make adjustments for me so I can do the role to the best of my ability is helping to ease that a bit. It's scary but maybe it's a bit exciting too...? I'm not sure! I'm not quite there yet! But I am really starting to feel hopeful that I am getting my life back on track...  ~ ~Prompt from Blog City: About the strangers you meet every day, in the supermarket, while shopping, on the road, etc. How do their offhand words, random gestures, or thoughtful or thoughtless actions affect your mood (or someone else's)? This is an interesting prompt. My mood is often affected by the actions of strangers. If someone fails to hold a door open for me, or fails to thank me for holding a door open for them, then my mood instantly darkens. It's no secret in this blog that rudeness irritates me like nothing else! I've gone on about it so many times! So yeah, rude and thoughtless actions by strangers definitely impact on me. I just feel like the world is such a hard place anyway and we tend to go about our lives in our own little bubble that it's nice when someone has the consideration and ability to leave their own mind for a a second and think, oh, maybe I'll check if there is someone entering this building behind me and if there is, maybe I can do the decent thing and hold the door open for them! That's not hard is it? On the other hand, a smile from a stranger can really help to give me a boost. I'm very shy and have some social problems but I will try to make eye contact with people I am passing and smile. It's just the polite thing to do. When someone gives a genuine smile, it can be genuinely uplifting. Thoughtful actions, too, can really help brighten my mood and make me feel good about the world for a while. I like it when I see someone give up their seat on a train for an elderly person or a pregnant lady etc. When I used to travel to and from home and my university town, I always greatly appreciated it if someone offered to help me with my suitcase when going up or down stairs at the station. As for words, they too can have a big impact. I once walked passed a group of people and one of them called out "minger" to me, which is a British slang word for "ugly person". That was pretty devastating to me actually and to this day I can't comprehend why someone would say something like that to anyone. I've had more nice comments than bad ones though! A guy serving me in a shop once said, "how can I help you, beautiful girl?" That was nice to hear! And another guy in a shop recently told me I have a beautiful smile. It's always nice to receive compliments, of course, and they help to boost me up. I think all our interactions are meaningful, however fleeting, and they can have a huge impact so we should always be mindful of our words and actions. I strive to treat people the way I want to be treated, so I am polite and friendly to strangers; I smile when I feel able to; I always hold doors for people and stop to help if someone has dropped something; I would always give up my seat on public transport to someone who needs it more than me; I say "please" and "thank you" etc. I have many flaws but I am proud of my good manners and I am proud of the way I treat others. I consider those things strengths and I should celebrate my strengths more often! |
| So... I think I may be doing a training course for my new job tomorrow. There are various different modules I need to do but I am hoping to do a Fire Awareness course tomorrow at 2:30pm, so I will still be able to go to my last therapy session (of 2014) in the morning thankfully. Then I am doing four other courses over Tuesday and Wednesday, I think, though everything needs to be confirmed by the training coordinator. It seems like this is happening... for real. I actually have a job. I have a job. I can't actually believe it but I HAVE A JOB! I just find it bizarre that they are sending me on training when they still haven't spoken to me about the conditions I disclosed and reasonable adjustments I asked for, but oh well... I wish I was doing better mentally, but maybe having the training to focus on will help me. It just feels like lots of things are going wrong at the moment. I've had a problem with my psychology course that I hope to start next month. As I am doing it with the university where I got my undergraduate degree, I am eligible for an Alumni discount on postgraduate courses. However, for some reason the course I am doing is not considered a postgraduate course (despite a first degree being an entry requirement) so I may end up having to pay £300 more than I thought I would. This is causing me a huge amount of stress as that is a lot of money to me. I've been advised to email their complaints and appeals person, which I did on Thursday, and hopefully he will allow me to have the discount. Fingers crossed. I am still stressing about my teeth and am waiting to hear the outcome of my complaint, but I am not hopeful that I will be able to receive orthodontic treatment on the NHS. This is also why I am feeling upset with my care coordinator, because she was supposed to be helping me look into any funding or grants that could help me, but she hasn't really done this and just flippantly said to me, "well, when you're working maybe you can save up for it". That really got to me because the issue with my teeth is causing me so much distress NOW that I don't feel I can wait to save up for it. A lot of the time I feel suicidal over it. I just feel like she hasn't taken on board the impact this whole thing is having on me psychologically and I am upset about how dismissive she was of it. I don't know how I am going to deal with this. This whole situation is so crappy and I feel bad for having to resort to making a complaint to get free treatment, but I am desperate and I do feel that I have grounds to complain. I won't go into it all though. I just need this to be sorted now for my own sanity. I am looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow and I am looking forward to seeing my GP in the evening. I feel like I need a lot of support right now. Breakdowns are the worst! This is my fourth big one this year and I am so exhausted by them now. I wish I was better at managing my mental health conditions. I am hoping to make an appointment with my psychiatrist to discuss getting an assessment for bipolar disorder. The more I read up on it, the more it makes sense to me and would help to explain why antidepressants have had no effect on me. I feel getting a correct diagnosis is important so I can get the correct treatment and bipolar is treated differently to depression. I think it's worth exploring anyway. So lots of things are happening at the moment and I am hugely stressed but still (slightly) hopeful that I am at a turning point and that 2015 will be a better year for me. It's kind of hard to keep swinging from hopeful to suicidal though, which is what keeps happening at the moment. I am pretty exhausted by my own mind. I have been trying to get back into reading, which is hard when my concentration is so bad, and if that goes well I will start trying to do more here on WDC too. I miss being active but at least I am still blogging and taking part in other things in small ways. I will get back into reviewing soon, hopefully, and I must start giving out review credits again. I am sorry for my inactivity and can only hope that people understand it is hard to keep up with stuff when you are unwell. I'm sure most people get that and I am grateful to all the people who still interact with me, despite my frequent breakdowns! |
| Prompt from Blog City: Have you ever visited a place that remains in your consciousness, long after you left? Was it the people? The architecture? *Note, I took "places" to means buildings with this prompt, but I've just realised I could have gone with towns, cities, countries, anywhere really! Never mind! Places don't tend to have a big impact on me but I know I will never forget visiting Anne Frank House. Anyone who reads my blog will know that I have a big interest in Anne Frank and the people connected to her and, for want of a better word, I am fascinated by her and her story. I always wanted to visit the secret annexe to help me put into context what they went through and to get a better sense of it all, and I got to do that last year when I visited Amsterdam. It was a powerful and emotional experience for me. I knew the rooms of the house were unfurnished and I felt a little disappointed about this as I would have liked to have gotten a better sense of how they lived. However, just before we entered the house I read that Otto Frank requested that the rooms remain empty to symbolise the void left by the millions of people who were deported and never returned. That really moved me. Walking through the house was strange and I felt unsettled. We stayed in a queue of people and everyone moved slowly and quietly. There were placards of information on the walls and also pictures. The moveable bookcase that they used to disguise the doorway is still there, as are the pictures that Anne pasted to her bedroom wall. When we walked through the kitchen I touched the worktop, but I don't know why. I think it's wonderful how they have turned the house and offices into a museum, keeping Anne's spirit alive while educating people about what happened during the war. It's emotional and hard-hitting but I'm glad I went and I know it is an experience that will stay with me forever. Another place that had a big impact on me is one that I have technically never visited, though I walked by it about once a week for four years! And I don't even know it's name! I'm talking about a church that I used to live near when I was at university. I never paid it any notice until I walked by it in the dark one time. But I already wrote about that in poetry form! It's not the best piece I've written, the notes I wrote about it are probably better than the actual poem, but anyway, here it is:
~ ~Non-prompt entry: Unfortunately it has been another rough day for me and another breakdown. I had a bad phonecall with my care coordinator and that sent me into a downward spiral. I felt distraught and went a little crazy, leaving my house without a coat. I seem to be determined to get hypothermia! I don't even know what I was doing and I am pretty embarrassed about my behaviour. Two people tried to help me but I told them I was okay. I'm glad they stopped for me. Please stop and ask if you ever see someone looking distressed (if it's safe). Even though I didn't feel able to take their help it means the world to me that they asked me if I needed any.Eventually I went to my doctors' surgery and asked for help. They got me an emergency appointment with the duty doctor and thankfully it was my usual GP on duty today. He was lovely and helped me to calm down. He just talked with me for a while. There's nothing else he can do really but I just truly appreciate him taking the time to listen to me. I said today that I am worried about being a burden on everyone and I am worried I am an annoyance to him. He reassured me that's not the case and said that he and another doctor at the practice are supporting several patients like me, who have mental health problems and frequent breakdowns. I find that both reassuring and sad. It makes me angry too. It's nice to know I'm not the only one, but it makes me sad that other people are suffering, and angry that the primary care service is having to do the job of the inadequate mental health service. I need to do something about it, honestly! I need to channel my anger into something proactive and productive. As someone who can speak out, well, "write out", I need to be doing so for all the people who can't. I feel very strongly about that and although I am speaking out through my blog, I feel like I want to do more. Maybe I will... Anyway, my GP has said I can go in and see him again on Monday evening as he is willing to support me through this. Also, I received a text message asking me to attend training for my job on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday next week, which is very confusing. I still haven't spoken to the manager about the things I disclosed and I have no idea if they are going to be putting the reasonable adjustments I asked for into place. I feel like it's too short notice but I am anxious about putting it off too. I've asked if I can speak to someone first to clarify a few things but nobody has gotten back to me. It's all very frustrating. I want this job but it's a huge deal for me and I feel like I need longer than two day's notice to mentally prepare for it, especially as I am in the middle of yet another mental health crisis. Also, I have my last therapy session of the year on Monday and really feel like I need to go to it. So I'm at a loss what to do really and am hoping someone will contact me over the weekend. I am a bit tired of communicating by text and email when it would be easier to clear everything up with a quick phonecall. I am hoping there will be another local training course in the new year, otherwise I may end up having to travel to Lincoln. So this is what I'm dealing with right now! Sorry if I'm being boring. I should have a new poem to share soon as it is my turn in the campfire. Hopefully that won't be boring! |
| I maybe shouldn't be blogging right now as I took half a lorazepam this evening. I took half yesterday as well and it worked wonders, knocking me out and allowing me to sleep straight through. It was pretty hard to get up this morning though! But this one hasn't worked too well and I woke up after two hours. I can't get back to sleep despite feeling completely woozy thanks to the tablet. So yeah, my thoughts feel kind of mixed up and slurred and I imagine I would be slurring my speech right now if I was talking aloud! Therefore please forgive any errors in this entry. I keep catching them but I may miss some! I am taking lorazepam again as I have high anxiety again. Everything got on top of me so I called my GP for help. He was willing to prescribe it as I haven't been on it since July. I don't like taking it but sometimes I just can't cope anymore and I need a break from my mind. The GP has asked that I call him tomorrow and update him on how I am doing. I'm hoping he'll let me go into the surgery tomorrow or Friday as I would really like to talk to someone. My new care coordinator has proved very unhelpful and I am feeling so upset about that. But I can't be bothered to go into it all. I think the mental health service is going to end up killing me through hypothermia though! Honestly, every time they do something to upset me I leave and then just sit outside the office, whatever the weather, feeling desperate and distraught and not knowing what the hell to do next. It's such a completely horrible situation. But sometimes I just feel like I can't move. It's like I'm so desperate for help but they're not giving it to me, and so I sit outside in the hope someone will call me back and say, "we're so sorry! We'll do our job! We'll try to help you!" It never happens though... They just let me down again and again and again and again and again. When are we going to sort out the disgraceful mess of our mental health services? When will those in charge of the country realise that the area of mental health needs more funding, for research and care services, as a matter of urgency? This issue should be a priority as it is something that affects us ALL, whether directly or indirectly. It's time to stop sweeping the issue of mental health under the carpet. But enough on that. I'm getting a bit bored of my life and this subject so I might do a bit of prompt-blogging... ~ ~Prompt from blog city: A second Royal Baby will soon be joining the Windsors in England. Would you rather be an heir to the throne or an off the hook sibling? It wouldn't matter either way to me... as soon as I was old enough I would dissociate from the royal family and live my life the way I want to live it, not beholden to them or their traditions. As a Brit, I have mixed feelings about our royal family. On the one hand I see them the same way as comedian Bill Bailey when he referred to them as "unelected spongers" and I feel pretty sick at the amount of money they get through taxpayers when there are people living in poverty in this country etc. But on the other hand I see them as an important part of the British history and culture and they are very valuable to our tourist trade in that respect. I also very much admire some of the charity work some of the royals do. And I have a lot of respect for Prince William because of his work as an air ambulance pilot. There was a time when I would have straight out said I believe we should abolish the notion of a royal family, but I don't feel that way anymore. They make our country interesting, I suppose, and as long as they continue to do all their public relation and charity work, then they are probably an asset to us, mostly. But I wouldn't want anything to do with them and am very glad I wasn't born royal. In some ways I feel bad for the little ones -- it's a lot of pressure to be a royal, I think, and not something they may want, but they have been born into it and have no choice, at least not as children. I think it's pretty disgraceful that the media invades the privacy of the royals again and again. I believe they should only be allowed to photograph them at public events and ceremonies. And that's all I have to say on this subject! I should probably try and get more sleep now. Hopefully this entry makes sense, despite me writing it whilst medicated! |
| ARGH... so I am now fully enrolled on my course and the fees are paid and everything. I'm a little sad to see my bank balance take such a hit, but I have to think of this as an investment. I hope the actual course will be better than the application and enrolment processes, which were both ridiculously disorganised and needlessly complex. I'm not feeling overly hopeful though as a lot of the listed texts for the course do not seem to exist. I wanted to purchase some of them early so I could get a head start, but how can I buy the 2008 edition of Cognitive Psychology: A Student's Handbook by Eysenck and Keane when there is no 2008 edition? Do I get the 2010 version or the 2005 one? Who knows?! It's pretty frustrating. I don't remember the university being this disorganised when I studied with them the first time around, but then I wasn't exactly engaged with my studies so perhaps I just didn't notice? I have so much on my plate right now regarding the course, and am thinking I need a list to help me keep on track, so here it is: 1. chase up DSA evidence form, which is STILL with the GP after 3 weeks! 2. ask someone in the mental health team to provide evidence for DSA form in case GP never provides it! 3. contact university about the early payment discount they assured me at least 3 times would happen automatically, which hasn't! 4. contact university about ridiculous book list and clarify which texts I actually need! 5. contact university and ask how to access my student email account as a returning student, which they haven't told me! (Yeah, I don't remember my password from FIVE years ago. )6. contact university and ask when my course starts, which they haven't told me! 7. repeatedly bang head against wall in frustration and despair! Is it any wonder I'm so stressed when I'm dealing with all of that on top of everything else, such as waiting to hear what's happening with my job offer and trying to cope and continue functioning despite the pretty disabling mental health problems? It's just... the course is so important to me and I so badly need it to go well... but it feels as if everything is against me at the moment. |
| I am heading for a breakdown; I can feel it. I keep thinking about suicide. I don't really know what to do -- I want to reach out for help because how ridiculous would it be to end everything now, when things are looking up for me for the first time in... well, forever? I know that. But I feel afraid. If things get as bad as they did last month... I'm not sure what will happen. I am not engaging with the home treatment team again and my absolute FEAR of the hospital means that I cannot bring myself to go there voluntarily. I am scared I'll be hospitalised against my will. But I'm not at that point yet... just heading towards it. I could feel it happening last time and spent a week trying to contact my care coordinator to get help. Now I have a new care coordinator and maybe she'll be easier to get hold of. Maybe she'll be able to help me manage this before things get that bad again. I don't know. I've only met her twice! I don't have any kind of sense of what she is like yet or how she handles situations like this. I hope she'll be more compassionate than my last care coordinator! I can't stop thinking about him and how cold he was when I had a total breakdown in his presence six weeks ago. There was no compassion in the way he dealt with me and I felt threatened. I think I was the most scared I have ever been when he said he was going to prevent me from leaving and call the police. I was made to feel like a criminal when I was in complete mental distress! I realise if that had happened the police wouldn't have arrested me, just escorted me to the hospital, but still, that was an absolutely terrifying prospect. I've never had any dealings with the police before. I can't imagine sitting cold and impassive in front of a suicidal person and only saying, "I'm going to prevent you from leaving and call the police." My heart would go out to that person and I would try my best to express how much I felt for them and wanted to help. I would explain to them that I felt they needed to go to the hospital and would arrange for that to happen, if they were not willing to go voluntarily, because I was concerned about their safety. I'm sure it's a horrible thing to have to do to someone, but surely trying to handle it in as sensitive a way as possible would make it less horrible for all involved? I'm sure there is a way to phrase it so it doesn't sound completely threatening and terrifying. I am so shocked and disheartened by the lack of compassion and total hostility I have encountered in the mental health team time and time again. It is truly appalling. If I get through this... if I ever do become a psychologist or end up working in the mental health field in some capacity, I know I will never project my insecurities or feelings of inadequacy onto a patient, becoming hostile towards them just because I feel out of my depth and don't know what to do. I'm sure that's why it happens. I would much rather say, "I'm so sorry, I wish I could help but I don't know how" than put a wall up to distance myself from the person. Maybe some professionals do that to protect themselves but I couldn't. I would rather share in the person's distress than make them feel even more isolated, afraid and despairing. I don't believe in fate or god or anything like that but I truly hope there is a reason for me going through all this. Maybe if I can overcome it I can draw on my own experiences to help others. I have to believe that this is happening because of that. This can't just be it for me. But what if it is? When will I know? If I can use my experiences to do some good in the world then I will understand why I went through it. I might even be thankful for it! But if there is no reason for it... if nothing good can come from it... then I'm done. I don't want my whole life to be a war zone but that's what it feels like -- I am fighting battle after battle. I cannot fight for a lifetime. I just can't. |
| Prompt from Blog City: What do you do when you're down to bring yourself a little joy? Hmmmm... tough question. As someone with severe depression, I feel down a lot. I've had depression for more than half my life now and it has been unrelenting. I'm not saying I haven't had good times and moments of happiness in the years I have been depressed, but I don't ever get periods when I am totally free of it. It is always there, sometimes in the background where I can manage it better, but more often in the foreground, whirling like a hurricane and causing destruction in my mind. At my worst there is nothing I can do to bring myself joy. To me it feels like the depression is a huge wave crashing over me and I have to wait for it pass so I can break the surface and breathe again. I can't do anything but wait and those times feel like I'm being tortured. But I suppose that's more than feeling down. When it is less severe there are a few things I can do that may not necessarily bring me joy, but do provide some sort of comfort. One thing I can do is change my bed linen! I know that sounds bizarre but there is something very comforting about sinking into a freshly-made bed and snuggling under the covers -- it feels all crisp and clean and smells nice. It makes me feel safe, warm and protected, almost as if I'm getting a hug from the universe or something! Another thing that brings me some kind of joy and a bit of comfort is tidying up my room, or a drawer, or a cupboard. Again, that probably sounds quite bizarre but hear me out! I tend to get very down when things feel out of control and chaotic, so it can really help to tidy up and organise a physical mess. It makes me feel like I'm regaining control in a way. It can distract me from the chaos in my mind and I can find it therapeutic and satisfying. Some other things that can help a bit are getting a hug from Mark or spending time with my sister. I'm not comfortable with physical contact apart from with Mark and his hugs can comfort me when I am down. It's nice to be held close by someone stronger than me -- it makes me feel safe and that someone cares. I can tell he loves me and wants to make me feel better. Spending time with my sister can be a great distraction and can help bring me joy, at least for a little while. My sister and I are very much on the same wavelength and have the same sense of humour so we tend to joke and laugh a lot when in each other's company. ~ ~Anyway, moving away from the prompt, yesterday I went to my University and happened to see the guy who I had counselling with for over a year when I was a student there previously. This was a big, BIG deal because I must confess, I was completely head-over-heels in love with this guy and it took me a long time to get over that and accept the fact I could never have a relationship with him.  One thing I have learned about myself through years of interacting with healthcare professionals is that I am very, very susceptible to erotic transference. It only happens with men and happens as a result of feeling that the individual genuinely cares about me and wants to help me. It happened for the first time with this counsellor but I have experienced it a lot since then with several doctors and even with the guy who carried out the surgery I had on my mouth last year, who I only met about four times! I get it with my current GP and really have to work hard to control it. I know logically that I am not experiencing real love because how can you love someone you don't know properly? It is a confusing thing to go through!I've never blogged about this subject before but I feel that I want to explore it a bit now. I think it happened with that counsellor because he was the first man in my life to treat me with respect and compassion and it was very easy to latch onto that and misinterpret it. Here was this sweet, softy-spoken, caring man showing an interest in my life and expressing genuine concern for me -- how could I not fall in love with him?! But it became so destructive. I lived for my sessions with him and would spend the week just waiting to see him again and this started to impact on my studies. It's only after meeting Mark that my feelings for the counsellor started to subside but it took me a long time to get over him. Seeing him yesterday, for the first time in five years, was a shock to the system. He came into the room where I was waiting to be called in for my learning disability assessment. He was shorter than I remembered and skinnier than when I saw him last, though he was very slim even back then. I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with him but I could sense him looking at me. I don't know if he recognised me -- I am skinnier than I was back then too and probably look quite different. I know I had a big impact on him because he expressed this when he began the process of ending our therapeutic relationship. I had sessions with him for over a year and they were intense. He was a big part of my life and I think I was probably quite a big part of his life too. I think in the end he came to realise that I had become dependent on him and I totally respect and appreciate the sensitive way he handled this, bringing the relationship to a close gradually by extending the length between sessions and giving me plenty of warning about our last meeting. It was hard to say goodbye to him and I'm not sure I would have coped if I hadn't met Mark. I have thought about that counsellor a lot over the years, but less and less as time has gone by. I wonder if he continued to think about me as well, at least for a while. I wonder if he recognised me yesterday. I'm feeling so confused and weird about seeing him again. It has really unsettled me. Erotic transference is an interesting subject and this is the first time I have talked openly about my experience of it. I'm a little worried to be blogging about something so intensely private but I also felt I needed to get this out because it is on my mind thanks to yesterday. Since I decided to do this course with my old university, I feel like I have been revisiting my past. It's weird to be doing this now, ten years after starting university as an undergraduate. It is stirring up a lot of feelings -- some good and some bad. I'm just experiencing a lot of confusion right now but I hope this turns out to be a positive thing. It almost feels like I am getting a second chance -- I now have the opportunity to study the right subject and to be a better student. I want to make the most of that but I'm worried I'm going to mess it up. Sorry if this entry is a bit scattered. I'm going through a massive period of change and I'm just trying to make sense of it all... |
| I am so up and down at the moment. On November 30th I was feeling very positive. On December 2nd I felt stressed and a bit down. Yesterday I felt hugely positive. And today I am hugely stressed and down! What will tomorrow bring?! I've had a stressful day but I can't be bothered to go into it all. I've just been left feeling very drained and tired of everything. The highlight was attempting to call the manager of the organisation where I may have a job, but not getting through. The phone didn't ring for long so now I am paranoid she saw it was me calling and cancelled it! I'm so sick of this. I thought I was doing the right thing disclosing my health problems and other issues but now I wish I hadn't because it has just created a big mess that I can't cope with. I haven't blogged about my eating issues in a long while because my therapy has actually been going quite well and I got to where I've been eating enough but remaining at a weight that is acceptable to me. As long as I stayed below 6 stone 3 I felt quite relaxed about my weight and eating. However, the change in weather has prompted a change in my appetite and I suddenly have a HUGE craving for salty food. As a result, I have been having way more crisps than I am comfortable with (and more than is healthy) and my weight has gone up by a pound or two (it keeps fluctuating). I know a pound or two is nothing to most people, but to someone with an eating disorder like mine it is massive and I am not coping. I have mentioned this whole issue twice to my therapist but she wasn't particularly supportive or helpful about it so I think I am going to go back to restricting for a bit. I know that's crazy. Even at this weight I am still underweight but I feel too big. Also, I am feeling so unfit and untoned and that isn't helping matters. I really need to start exercising properly again. I walk Jade every day, of course, but these walks have become shorter recently as her joint problems have gotten worse. And I stopped going to the gym, partly because my eating was so restricted back then that I just wasn't strong enough to keep going, and partly because I started to become grossed out at the thought of people's sweat on the machines. Also, I didn't keep going to pilates after I finished the beginner's course because my anxiety became significantly increased and I didn't feel up to going. I know exercise will help me a lot but I just don't have the energy or motivation to do it and I don't know how to change that.I am so, so tired. Tomorrow I will be enrolling on my course and possibly paying the course fees, which has suddenly made it all very real. Right now I am wondering if I can cope with such an intensive course, especially if I do end up working full time as well. Am I trying to run before I can walk? I am still very ill but I often don't factor that into important decisions because of my desperation to contribute to society and live a normal life. I just feel like I have an unsolvable dilemma: I know being unemployed is having a massively negative impact on my mental health, as is feeling bored and useless, but I also don't really feel well enough to work and study. How the hell do I get around this? Well, I'm just going to try because I feel like I don't have a choice. I cannot continue living like this. That's why I applied for the course. That's why I have been applying for jobs. Now all I can do is try to deal with the situations I have created and hope that I will be able to cope. But if I can't... well, I don't know what will happen to me. Edit: But to cheer myself up, here is a great David Ford video. Unfortunately the recording is bad quality, but the performance is good... well, funny!!! [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
| Prompt from Blog City: "It was the worst of times. It was the best of times" Charles Dickens. When has this happened in your life? I think the actual quote by Charles Dickens is: "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" and is the beginning of a long paragraph.  Warning: This is going to be long, reflective and emotional! I'm not too sure on this one but maybe it could sort of apply to my life right now in a way. I think when I look back on 2014 I am going to see it as probably the worst year of my life, but also, maybe as the year when things started to shift towards the better for me. While I can't say I am experiencing the best of times, I do sense that I am at a turning point, as I explored in a blog entry just the other day. Maybe I am heading to the best of times? I don't know. It's no secret that I hit rock bottom earlier this year and that I attempted to end my life. I have also had two significant crises since then when again I very nearly decided to just end everything. But I got through those experiences and maybe that is what had to happen to enable me to really take stock of everything and look at things a bit differently. I reached a point where I knew I had to take action or I was going to die, and that's when I decided to be brave and change direction. I decided that I would no longer half-heartedly pursue a career in an area I am not wholly passionate about and that I would explore a new route. While pursuing psychology has been on my mind for a long, long time, my plan was to gain a job in the environmental field and then pay to do a psychology course while working. But this was making me miserable as I seemed to constantly fall at the last hurdle when it came to employment. Also, not enjoying my voluntary work has been adding to my stress. So many things have just piled on top of me and I couldn't continue pushing myself as hard as I have been doing towards something I'm not even entirely sure I want. So, instead of waiting until I am employed, I decided to use my savings to study for a graduate certificate in psychology and I was very excited to get accepted onto the course. Then I started applying for non-environmental jobs and have received a job offer for the first one I interviewed for! Is this a sign? I'm not sure I believe in that kind of thing but it does seem that everything is falling into place. Of course the employment thing is still up in the air at the moment but I am trying to stay hopeful that it will happen. And if it does happen it will complement my studies perfectly, providing me with lots of experience working with the client group I hope to specialise in if I do pursue and achieve my dream of becoming a clinical psychologist. And what's even more perfect is the organisation that I may end up working for has a psychology department. This means I may get the opportunity to network with psychologists and perhaps even shadow them to gain a better understanding of the field. Please keep your fingers crossed for me that this all works out! What's more, I think I have had a revelation tonight! Please bear with me while I try to explain... this might be a bit convoluted! While I have been feeling tentatively excited and hopeful about the future since things have started happening, I have also been feeling frustrated that I am still a long way a way from where I want to be. If after obtaining a graduate certificate in psychology I do decide that this is the area for me, then I have years of training and studying ahead of me before I qualify -- at least four years, though probably more if I am being realistic -- and that is rather disheartening. However, today I bought a book called The Good Study Guide and after only reading the first chapter it has given me a whole new perspective on something! I bought this book because I have been doing some psychology study ahead of my course starting but am having a hard time processing and retaining what I read. Mark recommended The Good Study Guide by Andrew Northedge and I thought it couldn't hurt to try and improve my study skills! The first chapter is all about investing in yourself and it is brilliantly written. It has made me so excited about my course and made me feel that I can achieve whatever I want to if I just put the work in. While I am only studying towards a graduate certificate at this stage, that is the first step and it is an investment I am making into myself and my future. So what's the revelation? Well, I have been feeling lots of excitement about my "destination" (a career in psychology) and lots of frustration at the lengthy "journey" (years of study and training) I am going to have to take to get there but this book has made me realise that the journey is just as important and exciting as the destination. You can't reach a destination without making a journey and you may as well make the most of that journey, get as much out of it as possible and enjoy the ride. Now I have realised this I am going to put the effort in to do just that. I have spent way too long focusing on and living in the future that I am not getting much out of the present. Now I think I can change that. So, I may have gone off on a bit of a tangent here but this prompt has put me in a very reflective mood! I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I am heading away from the worst of times and moving towards the best of times, but I feel that I have learned an awful lot about myself this year and that what I have learned could potentially enable me to get myself more mentally healthy. Back in March I couldn't see the future and I couldn't bear the present but now, just eight months on, I have built myself back up and taken steps to change my life in a positive way. I feel hopeful, excited and terrified. I feel emotional and overwhelmed. I know I still have many challenges to face but for the first time I feel that maybe I can face them. Maybe things will work out. Maybe back in March I wasn't too afraid to die, but brave enough to live? |
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