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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I'm having such a crap day! I got up for RDA this morning and set off only to find the road I need to go down to get there had been closed off by the police. There were no diversion signs and I don't know an alternative route so I just pulled up somewhere safe and called the RDA leader to let her know I was having trouble getting there. She said a lot of people were and that she'd contacted the school to warn them of the road closure, so wasn't sure if they'd even be showing up. She said I could just go home if I wanted, so I did! But that was kind of frustrating because it took a lot of effort to get out of bed and ready to go. I tried going back to bed for a bit, as I didn't sleep well last night, but I kept waking up thinking my phone was ringing when it wasn't! So that was annoying too. I am really on edge having still not spoken to the manager about my job offer. I text her yesterday and asked if she could please call me when she had a moment, but nothing. I am trying not to freak out but I can't describe how completely stressful and anxiety-inducing it is to be this close to achieving a goal you have spent years working towards, yet feeling it is still just out of reach. I am absolutely terrified that it is all going to fall through and I know I won't be able to cope with that. I can't be this close to then have it taken away from me. I just couldn't handle it, honestly.  And... to top everything off... two weeks ago I asked my GP to fill in a form for my Disabled Student Allowance claim and it still hasn't been done! I am going to the university on Thursday for my Specific Learning Disability assessment and thought I could also make an appointment with a Disability Adviser to get help with my form. I need the evidence from my GP for that and now it probably isn't going to be ready on time. I called yesterday and said I need it for Thursday but it doesn't seem as if the secretary chased it up. When I went in today they said they are not willing to put pressure on the GP because he is waiving the £25 fee for me. I appreciate that but I still need the damn form! At this rate I will not have my DSA in place for when my course starts. So, yeah, this has been a frustrating and stressful day. Poor Mark has been ill in bed for most of it and he is going home tomorrow. We were going to go to the cinema and have a nice last day together. I feel so bad for him.  I feel so bad for me! Yes, I am having a bit of a pity party right now because I am completely stressed with everything. ARGH!Anyway, enough of that! Here is a funny video for some much needed light relief!  [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
| Believe it or not I am still waiting to hear from my potential employer! I called her on Thursday but she couldn't talk and said she would call later. Then she sent me a text to say she was swamped and would call me Friday, but she didn't! I'm not too worried because the people I listed on my application to provide references have been approached and the admin lady has said she will email me training dates. So it looks like they are fine with me having Asperger's and anxiety, and are willing to accommodate my Monday morning therapy appointments, even if they haven't specifically told me that yet! But I am holding off on celebrating and getting excited (and terrified) about it all until I absolutely know for sure that it is going to happen. That's just good sense when you have as much bad luck as I do! In other news, Mark is visiting and it was his birthday yesterday. On Friday we went to see David Ford, our favourite singer/songwriter/musician, perform with an orchestra at Union Chapel in Islington, London. To say it was an awesome gig would be an understatement. We were absolutely blown away and kept turning to look at each other with "how incredible is this?!" expressions on our faces! I saw David Ford back in about 2008 and Mark and I saw him open for Simone Felice earlier this year, but Friday's show was something else! Honestly, that guy is special. As well as being super talented, with the most amazing voice, he is also a lovely, humble guy with a great sense of humour. We had the best night! David Ford may not be the superstar he deserves to be but in some ways that is a good thing because he can play small, intimate gigs in beautiful venues (Union Chapel is absolutely wonderful) and in front of people who truly appreciate his craft and how hard he works. Having said that, I would never pass up on an opportunity to praise him up and hopefully recruit new people to his fanbase! So if you get a chance, definitely check out some of his music.  Anyway, it was nice to go out to celebrate Mark's birthday and me getting a job offer. On Saturday we spent the morning in and Mark opened his presents. I bought him two DVDs, Her and Under the Skin, a book by Anne Rice, Deacon Blue's latest album, some chocolates and a hobbit bookmark. I hope he liked them -- he certainly seemed to! We watched Under the Skin last night and wow was it weird?! Yep! We enjoyed it though. I'm looking forward to seeing Her again too as I loved it the first time around. I have to say that although I am still getting horrible periods of depression and anxiety, and the teeth thing is still really bad, it seems that things are finally starting to look up for me and I am possibly at a turning point. This is both exciting and terrifying. For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful about the future but am also scared that things are going to go wrong. I think that's only natural though. But maybe 2015 is going to be my year -- with a job on the horizon and also starting my psychology course, I feel like I am finally getting my life on track. It may not be on the track I started out on, but at least it will be on a track and not just roaming about in the wilderness somewhere as it has been doing! I have worked hard for this and all I can do now is keep hold of that hope and continue to work as hard as I can for the life I want. Maybe everything will work out and I will be a better person for what I have had to go through. I don't know. I'm so overwhelmed and emotional right now! |
| I haven't blogged for almost a week because I have been experiencing high levels of anxiety over being left in limbo about the job and I haven't felt like doing much around here. On Friday my new work programme adviser contacted my potential employer and disclosed my Asperger Syndrome and anxiety on my behalf. She told them I am very keen to accept the job but would need some reasonable adjustments, such as being able to continue with my therapy on Monday mornings. The lady she spoke to said she thought everything would be fine but would need to contact the manager. She also said they'd picked up on my anxiety at the interview and already have a plan to help me with that, such as allowing me a "work buddy" -- how awesome is that?! Anyway, the lady then contacted me directly and said I would need to meet with the manager to undergo a risk assessment and she said the manager would contact me this week to arrange it. So far I have heard nothing and I am stressing like crazy. My work programme adviser has tried contacting them again this afternoon but has had no luck. Of course I am thinking the worst and worrying that they no longer want me and are going to withdraw the offer, but the logical part of me knows that they couldn't really do that at this stage because I would be able to argue (with good reason) that I had been discriminated against. All I can do is wait while the course of my life rests in someone else's hands and I am not dealing with that too well. It is very hard for me to tolerate feeling out of control (which is why I have an eating disorder and anxiety issues) and I am desperate to find out what's going to happen so I can deal with it -- either the total devastation of having a job offer withdrawn or the total terror of finally moving into full time, paid employment after such a long gap. So yeah, apologies for my inactivity! Hopefully I'll be back with some good news very soon... |
| Although I haven't come to a full decision yet I feel that I am very likely to accept the job. However, I need to disclose my health conditions and issues to them and see if they can make some reasonable adjustments for me that would enable me to do the role. It feels very risky to do that but I could not do this job properly without some adjustments, such as allowing me time off to attend therapy appointments for example. They could potentially withdraw the offer if they felt I wasn't fit for the role, but they would probably need good reasons for this. If they withdrew the offer but couldn't demonstrate why I'm not fit for the role, then that would probably be considered discrimination. As this is a company working with people with autism I should hope that they would have an open-minded attitude to someone with health issues and a disability (Asperger Syndrome is technically a disability) and be willing to think creatively to make adjustments for that person. Fingers crossed, anyway! My job centre adviser, F----, was great again today, trying to help me come to a decision and answering my many questions. She spoke to the disability employment adviser, who printed me off some information on disclosure, and they both strongly feel I do need to disclose my various conditions and I agree. Then F---- called someone at the work programme and has arranged for me to see a different person to my usual adviser there (the useless one). I feel a bit guilty about that but I want the support of somebody who is competent while I am navigating this life-changing decision. I have an appointment with her tomorrow and she is going to help me contact the employer to possibly arrange a meeting where I will fully disclose my health problems and ask if any adjustments could be made. She could arrange this on my behalf and attend the meeting with me. I am hoping my potential employer will be accommodating and not freak out at this stage, withdrawing the offer because things are a bit more complicated than they probably anticipated when they made it. My job centre adviser has also put a call through to the benefits (welfare) processors asking them to contact me about a question I have regarding what would happen if I try the job but am just not well enough to do it. I actually rang the benefits people myself this morning to ask that and was told there is a system called the 12-week linking rule. This means that if things fall through in the first 12 weeks because I am not well enough to do the job, I could go back on benefits and my claim would be linked to my previous claim, meaning I would get the same rate and not the lower "new claim" rate. This is an important consideration and is honestly a weight off my mind, but I want it to be confirmed by a second person just so I am absolutely sure. After 12 weeks it would be considered a new claim. The reason I am blogging about this detail, when it might be a little mundane, is because there is next to no information about this online and it isn't even mentioned on the official website. Therefore I want it in my blog because there is a chance (albeit a small one, I know) that it could be useful to someone else here in the UK! It's ridiculous that the information isn't more widely available seeing as it's so important. I need to know there is a safety net in place for if this job does not work out and I'm sure other people would feel exactly the same when coming off benefits to try working after a long period of illness. I also spoke to my doctor on the phone as I feel it is important to get the input of someone who has been central to my care. He was very supportive and encouraging and feels I should try, saying that my biggest barrier is lack of confidence. He knows how important working is to me and I value his opinion so I'm glad I got to speak to him. I do want to try, I think, but obviously things are a bit up in the air as it all depends on the employer now and how they react to my disclosure. Please keep your fingers crossed that all goes well and that they will be understanding and willing to support me in the role by making adjustments. I can't believe I am so, so close to working. This has to happen... I don't know how I will cope if it falls through. I am so, so terrified. I am scared it will happen and I am scared it won't! |
| I've been offered a job! My interview went absolutely crap but the other candidates must have been worse than me because I have been offered the job and I am absolutely in shock. Actually, I am in complete PANIC MODE!!! This is what I have been working towards for ages now. This is what I have desperately wanted since I graduated. But it doesn't feel right. I don't feel good about the role. I don't feel capable of it. I don't know if that's because I'm not capable of it or because I'm just lacking in confidence.Also, it's full time and I don't know if it would be possible to start off part time so I could do permitted work. And I don't know if it is crazy for someone with Asperger Syndrome to work in a role supporting people with Autism Spectrum Conditions. And I don't know if I can do the work. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I have asked if I can let them know my decision to accept it or not by Friday. Tomorrow I am going in to talk it through with my job centre adviser. I am so confused and panicked and terrified. But... I know I'm employable!  |
| I had a phonecall this morning that went something like this: Caller: Hello is that Jessica? Me: Yes it is. Caller: Hi, this is S----- from [name of company], I'm just calling to see if you are still okay to attend an interview tomorrow? Me: Oh, um... I didn't know I had one! Caller: Really? Well I'm not sure what's happened there! I'm glad I called you! Me: Me too! Haha! So I have an interview tomorrow.  It's for a support worker role, working with adults with autism. In some ways it's good that the interview is such short notice as I haven't had a lot of time to fret about it. But then I haven't really had much time to prepare for it either, so that's not so good. After I've written this entry I'm off to research the company and also some potential interview questions.I'm feeling so anxious! I don't know whether to mention that I have Asperger Syndrome. I think being on the autism spectrum myself (though high-functioning and completely independent) will help me identify with the clients in a way that people not on the spectrum may not be able to. But it feels kind of risky to mention it as well because they may think I'm not capable of the work, so I don't know what to do... Also, out of the three jobs I've found recently (this one, the school one and the traineeship) this is my least favourite. So if I was offered it I don't know whether to accept it or decline and hold out for one of the others. Or I could accept it and then leave if I was offered one of the others, which seems like a really crappy thing to do. But I suppose all I can do at this stage is go along and see what happens. I may decide that it's not for me or they may think I'm not suitable for the role. I'm not sure what to do if I get offered it but am not allowed part time hours. I don't know anything! I'm so confused... ~  ~In other news I met my new care coordinator today and didn't immediately warm to her. I've noticed something with healthcare professionals: the ones you can trust are the ones who have no problem admitting they don't know something or don't know what to do. The ones you can't trust are those who would rather pretend they know something than admit they don't know it. Today this lady pretended to know about the medication I have just stopped taking when clearly she didn't know anything about it. She even struggled to pronounce it! I don't care whether she knows anything about it or not! It's a third-line antidepressant, so used very rarely, and I wouldn't expect anyone other than a psychiatrist to know about it. Even the psychiatrist had to look up the maximum dose of it! So why did she feel the need to pretend she knew about it? The people who can't admit they don't know something tend to transfer any feelings of inadequacy and insecurity onto the patient -- so if they don't know how to help the patient, it becomes the patient's fault for not knowing or expressing what kind of help they need. Now I'm not saying this woman is going to be like that but I'm not getting a good vibe from her. And another thing that worries me is that when the nurse from the home treatment team left the room, I broached the subject of bipolar disorder with the care coordinator, saying I'd read about mixed states and feel this fits me much better than a diagnosis of depression. I said perhaps that's why none of the antidepressants worked for me. She then started telling me how bipolar is characterised by extreme moods. Well, I know that! I was talking about mixed states though and I feel she brushed me off. When the nurse came back with the psychiatrist I didn't feel able to bring the subject up (I'm practically mute in situations with more than one person!) and she didn't help me out. She also didn't ask me why I feel I may have bipolar disorder. But I'll reserve judgement until I've met her a few more times. This was only a "handover" meeting (as I'm now discharged from the home treatment team -- yay!) so we need to get used to each other. Hopefully she'll be better next time. I spent the afternoon with my job centre adviser and she was amazing. The job centre tend to get demonised but my dealings with them have mostly been positive and my adviser is fantastic. Technically she isn't even my adviser anymore seeing as she had to refer me to the work programme, but she has always said I can call her if I need anything and I tend to ask her for help with work-related stuff because my work programme adviser is beyond useless. But anyway, she read through what I have for my school job application and thinks it's really good. Then she helped me to identify what else needs to go in there as I said I'd kind of stalled with writing it because of the intense pressure I've put on myself over it (  ) But thanks to her I am now feeling much more happy and confident about it and am hoping to get it sent off tomorrow. She has also booked me in for another appointment to help out with my application for the traineeship.So it has been a busy day for me and tomorrow is going to be intense thanks to the surprise interview. Please wish me luck with that! Also, I have to finish off my school job application and I've agreed to help my sister write a cover letter for some admin jobs she's found, as she isn't happy in her current job. It was rather stupid of me to agree to that when I have so much of my own stuff going on! |
| My day did not get off to a good start! I had a rather frustrating appointment with my doctor where I didn't feel that he took my allergy issues seriously. After having the worst hayfever season of my life, my allergy symptoms eased for about 3 weeks, only to return with a vengeance. I think I may be allergic to dust, damp and pet hair. I'm trying to keep on top of the housework to minimise dust but unfortunately the house does get rather damp, and although Jade is a short-haired dog, she does shed hair so I think that's contributing. It would be great if I could get her to sleep somewhere in the house other than my room but she gets such bad separation anxiety and her dementia has made that worse. I think I would rather put up with the allergy than upset a very old dog who is very set in her ways and easily confused. My doctor, who is usually great, has been a little offish with me recently and though this may be down to how busy he is etc, I can't help thinking that it's me. I feel like I have overwhelmed and burdened him with my issues. Of course feeling this way may impact on how I think he perceives me. I admit it is entirely possible he hasn't been offish with me at all but I just feel that he has been because I'm worried I'm burdening him! Relationship dynamics and interactions are hard! Most of my therapy session was rather awful today. I didn't sleep too well last night because I got all fixated and panicky about my teeth again and so I just couldn't concentrate this morning. My therapist was trying to go through something important and I couldn't take it in. I ended up telling her this and then actually discussed my teeth problems with her. Yeah, I am making great progress in therapy and am opening up about things much more. Go me! My therapist was actually very helpful. So the last ten minutes or so were really good.This afternoon has been pretty busy. I dropped a form in to my GP surgery so my doctor can provide evidence for my DSA claim. Then I called the "student enabling centre" at my university (my university!  ) to ask some questions about the DSA form and to arrange an assessment for a specific learning disability. The guy I spoke to was great and he's going to call me next week to talk through my concerns regarding a learning disability to see if it's worth me getting a full assessment. This means I may be able to avoid travelling there twice for the initial assessment and then the full assessment. I also called my job centre adviser and have arranged an appointment for tomorrow to get some help with my job applications.So things picked up as the day went on but the best part of the day was when I found out I've won £200 worth of book tokens! I never win stuff like that! I'm so excited and thinking I can use the tokens to purchase books for my course and also to buy Christmas presents this year. This has come at such a great time when I have been stressing so much about money -- it feels good to know I will be saving £200 over the next few months. Wow, £200 worth of books! I'm so excited! I never thought I would win! |
| ARGH... so it felt really good to be accepted onto the Psychology course and to feel that I am finally pursuing a long-held dream. I'm not sure what I want to do exactly but I strongly feel that I need a useful job, one where I can help people. The idea of being a clinical psychologist really appeals to me, but occupational therapy and social work also do. Having been through the mental health system myself I think I am an ideal person to work in this field in some capacity and that I have a lot to contribute to it, despite the obstacles I will have to overcome in order to do that (I'm thinking the lack of social skills will make a career in this area a big challenge). However... last night I saw an advert for a Biodiversity traineeship with the Natural History Museum that sounds amazing. So now I don't know what to do! My head says go with the traineeship and stick to pursuing a career in the environmental sector. I have a degree in this area and over two years of relevant voluntary experience. I have been the runner-up for two environmental jobs and think I am very, very close to finally getting employment in this field, even though my recent breakdown has probably set me back a lot. But my heart says to pursue a career in Psychology! I am more interested in this area and more drawn to it. I feel I have more to contribute to it than I do the conservation field. I feel I can make more of a difference to people's lives, though arguably a job in environmental education would also be very useful and valuable. So what do I do? I hate not knowing exactly what I want and therefore being unable to formulate a concrete plan. I do not cope well with uncertainty! But I think I need to do the course and that will be a big decider -- if I absolutely love it and it feels right, then I will know that is the path for me. In the meantime I will be applying for the traineeship and I'm still planning on submitting an application for the school job and I will just see what happens. Maybe it's a good thing to have different options though it feels very scary and I am worried I will go down the wrong path. I feel all out of sync, with my head and heart saying and wanting different things. I wish I knew what to do and which one to listen to! How am I supposed to decide this? |
| What a day I'm having! Honestly, if I haven't been dealing with total incompetence, I've been dealing with insults! But before I get into all that I was supposed to go help out with an educational walk for nursery-aged children this morning but it was cancelled due to the weather. In some ways that was frustrating because I'd gotten ready to go out etc, but I was also somewhat relieved because I didn't want to trek through a muddy woodland in the rain with a group of (probably) miserable 3-4 year old kids. So while it would have been nice to get out and do something productive, I wasn't too upset! So instead of going to work I emailed my work programme adviser the following: Hi B----, I just wondered if I could get your advice on a job application? It's for a position in a school and there is an application form, including a section for a supporting statement. But they also ask that the applicant submit the form with a short letter explaining why they are suitable for the job. I've never come across this before (it's usually either a letter and CV or just an application form alone) so I'm not too sure how to handle it. Surely the supporting statement should cover why I feel I am suitable for the job, so what should I put in the letter? I'm just a bit confused over this and would appreciate any guidance! And he then emailed me back saying I was welcome to go in and he could help me. That was somewhat annoying as I don't need help writing it, just help on what to put in the letter. But I went along with it and called to find out when I could go in, only for him to say to me, "so, what's the problem?" I just replied with, "what I said in the email, not knowing what to include in a letter if I'm also writing a supporting statement" and he said, "oh, so you want some help with your supporting statement?"  I never get anywhere with this guy! He is the first genuinely stupid person I have ever met. Sorry if that's rude or harsh but it's true. I try to be patient over it because I realise he can't help it but this guy is supposed to be helping me become able to work and he can't do his job because he doesn't have the intelligence for it. It's so frustrating. He would be a great adviser for anyone who doesn't actually want to work but I genuinely do want to.That was kind of the last straw for me. I've been thinking for a while that I need to take action over this so I went along to the Citizen's Advice Bureau to find out if there is any way out of the work programme. Unfortunately there isn't really, unless I get my medical conditions reassessed and try to get in the "support" group rather than the "work activity" group. I don't really feel like I should do that but it might be worth looking into. Otherwise I was told it would be best to make a formal complaint. I definitely will once I'm working but I'm not sure I want to while I'm still on their books because I don't want to make things difficult for myself. Anyway, while I was at the advice bureau I also asked some questions about Disabled Student Allowance, which I am currently applying for, and I told the woman that I am doing a postgraduate course. She knew about my Asperger Syndrome, as I'd told her about it in relation to my work programme query, and she then started questioning my ability to do postgraduate study because of it. She said it might be better for me to look at doing a course with the local college and to "aim a bit lower". She said those actual words... ... even though I'd told her I'd got my Bachelor's degree. She was a nice lady and I don't think she meant to insult me but clearly she has some misconceptions about Asperger's. I was so shocked I couldn't really say much to defend myself. I'm hoping they'll send me an email to provide feedback on their service and then I'll mention it but if they don't I might email them anyway just to educate them a bit because that's a shocking thing to say. Many people with Asperger Syndrome have average or above average intelligence and are perfectly capable of postgraduate study. She needs to know that!Can you believe it though?! What an irritating day... Prompt from Blog City: Everyone has their method of madness to overcome writer's block especially those of you doing NANO, what's your secret? I hear people talking about morning pages, or writing about the goals for the day. Then I hear other people talk about taking notes ahead of time for their writing. Do you do silly writing games like word clusters or word associations? Do you look at pictures? Listen to specific music. Or do you just force yourself and hope for the best. I don't stress too much about writer's block, to be honest, because I know it will pass. Inspiration is not a constant thing and so of course there will be times when creativity levels drop. I have come to understand that and I tend to have periods where I am writing a lot, interspersed with periods when I'm not. But I don't ever totally stop writing. If I'm not feeling particularly creative then I will focus more on non-fiction writing, especially blogging. Or if I'm feeling up to it I will review more, though I do get writer's block over reviewing as well... mostly that's caused by lack of motivation or anxiety. The only time I see writer's block as a problem is if I am taking part in some kind of challenge that requires me to write a lot in a short space of time. But most of the time the panic of writing to deadlines kickstarts my imagination and I find I can write again. I can think of one challenge I had to drop out of though because of writer's block. So when I do have writer's block I tend to just wait for it to pass but if I want to be more proactive about overcoming it I blog a lot. I might also look through contests to see if any prompts inspire me. I like to challenge myself to think of the most unique way to use a prompt and that can help get the creativity flowing again. It might take a few days but I can be patient. Sometimes I leave my subconscious to work on an idea. I feel that over-thinking and too much pressure can hinder the creative process so sometimes it's better to just take a step back and chill out for a bit. My subconscious is a very hard worker and I can usually rely on it to come up with something! |
| So... now that I'm returning to university I need to decide whether to pay £190 for an assessment for a Specific Learning Disability. I didn't get assessed the first time around because I wasn't aware it was possible! But I'm pretty sure I have dyscalculia and my course is going to be quite statistics-heavy. I'm doing two modules and each is worth 30 credits. The first module is Introductory Psychology and the second one is Introductory Research Methods. It's that second one I'm worried about! Statistics are a big part of research and I really struggled with this aspect of my Bachelor's degree and barely passed the research method module. I think it will be different this time though because I am much more willing and able to seek help and will not have a problem contacting tutors if I need support with something. I really struggled with asking for help when getting my degree and that made everything much, much harder! But still, I think it might be worth getting an assessment because a diagnosis would mean I could get additional support and maybe allowances could be made for certain things. I really want to do it but that's a lot of money and I would have to travel to my university town again... argh! I think I need to do it though. I have always wanted to know for sure if I have dyscalculia and this is a perfect opportunity to find out. You can't get assessed for it on the NHS -- I believe only educational and private facilities test for it -- so I should probably just go for it while I have the chance. I think doing it privately would be much costlier. I've pretty much just talked myself into it but I'm still anxious about the cost! Why is everything so expensive all the time?! |
I've had another tough day but got some good news earlier: I'm being discharged from the Home Treatment Team!  Yay! No more appointments that leave me feeling completely distressed and hopeless. No more having to listen to their confusing spiel about "giving them something to work with". No more of their hostility. I can't believe how stressful my experience with them has been. They are there to support people in crisis who would otherwise be hospitalised but I almost ended up in the hospital thanks to their "care". They didn't do a thing to help me and they are discharging me while I still feel very unstable but that's probably a good thing seeing as they are not supporting me. Thankfully I am doing a little better but that change has nothing to do with them -- it's down to my therapy starting to improve and also finding out I got on the course.Anyway, apparently I have a new care coordinator, so as soon as they can arrange a meeting to "hand over" my care to her I will be discharged from their team. And if things ever get so bad again I think I might choose going to the hospital over being referred back to them! Unfortunately all my dental fixations are starting up again and I'm terrified I'm heading straight back to crisis. But hopefully I will meet my new care coordinator soon and I can try to get some better help and support. I'm still excited about my course but am now stressing over the enrolment process because it's so unclear. This seems to be a theme with the university because the application process was also ridiculously complicated and not very well explained. I had to contact their enquiries office multiple times when I was applying. Right now I don't even know what my course fees are. I think the most I will have to pay is £1500, but I am hoping to get a significant discount as I am an alumnus of the university. Fingers crossed! I am also making an application for Disabled Student Allowance, to help pay for some of the extra course costs but that is also proving to be very complicated and may not be accepted. So it's all very stressful and I'm looking forward to getting everything sorted so I can just be excited and nervous about being a student again! I still can't believe I'm doing this... In other news, the Royal Mail have invited me to a recruitment event but they only offer full time hours so I'm not sure I want to pursue this seeing as it's only a temporary job. I'm still working on my application for the school position and I'm yet to hear about the support worker role I applied for. I think having a job (and more money) would significantly improve my life but it feels like it's never going to happen. |
| Today has been a confusing and rather tough day. I had some very sad news, which I blogged about earlier ("Invalid Entry" ) but also got some great news. I am very happy that I can now reveal what I have been referring to as my Top Secret Project! Yep, I found out earlier that I have been accepted on to a Graduate Certificate in Psychology course at the University where I got my Bachelor's degree. It starts in January and will be distance-learning. If I successfully complete it I will have 60 credits of Psychology, which means I will be eligible to apply for many of the Master's conversion courses in Psychology. Not all of those courses require 60 credits of previous related study but I thought I would start off small for two reasons: 1. I have been out of university-level education for over 4 years; and 2. I want to make sure Psychology is absolutely for me before I commit to a Master's course. But I am also considering doing either Social Work or Occupational Therapy in the future, especially as I may be able to get funding for those courses, whereas I will have to fund the Psychology Master's myself. But I'm getting way ahead of myself here! I am very excited about this. I always wanted to study psychology but changed my mind at the last moment when I was applying to University because I couldn't envision myself working in the field. Now I really can and I'm going to try. I think this is a fantastic opportunity for me to change my life and I am definitely looking forward to having something to focus on. I think that will really help to improve my mental health. I can't wait until I am officially a student again so I can feel less ashamed when I get asked, "what do you do?" From January I will be able to say, "I'm a student!" But having said that, I will still be seeking employment because I want to work and the course is part-time, so it should be manageable. Argh! As well as being excited I am also incredibly nervous and wondering if I can handle it. Getting my degree is one of the hardest things I have ever done and was hugely stressful. While this shouldn't be quite as taxing I am still scared and unsure of my capabilities. I have been out of education for a while and I am also still very unwell, but I can only try my best and I will do just that. I hope this is the start of better things to come. I don't like to think in terms of "I deserve..." but I do think I am due a break! Things have been so tough for so long and I have been working as hard as I possibly can to keep going and to get everything back on track. Maybe things are going to start changing for me now. Maybe I can salvage something from the debris of my shattered life. |
| I've had some very sad news this morning. One of the people who rides/volunteers with us at the RDA has passed away. He was a young guy, in his early thirties, I think, and had learning disabilities and also a heart condition. He was the sweetest person -- so lovely with the horses and an excellent rider. I can't believe I'm never going to see him again. I've known him for over two years and he was always polite and friendly with me. He was always smiling. I feel so bad for the people who have known him for much longer and I can hardly bear to think what his family must going through right now. It's so shocking and sad and it's going to feel strange to go to the RDA and not see him there. He rarely missed a week in the whole time I've been going and he loved to ride. It's just... so hard to make sense of. |
| I'm in the process of applying for a job in a school. The role is Curriculum Team Support Assistant and involves working closely with the students, supporting them with their learning, and also assisting the teacher in a variety of tasks. I don't think I want a long-term career working with children but I have 2+ years experience helping kids through my voluntary work so I'm thinking this is probably the way into paid work. The role sounds varied and interesting and incredibly demanding but they are not even looking for someone who has prior experience working in a school. I think I stand a chance and so I'm going for it, even though it is full time. If I get it I will just try my best. I don't know if I'm capable of full time work, and it would be risky to just go straight into a full time role rather than easing back into the world of work, but I don't want to miss this opportunity. I am finding the application process hard though, probably because I have suddenly put a lot of pressure on myself (yeah, I can't help that ). I so badly need and want a job. I just wish someone would take a chance on me... I guess I have a kind of writer's block over my supporting statement but I have until the 20th to submit it so I think I'll be okay. Any input from anyone who works in a school environment would be hugely welcome though!Tomorrow I am returning to my second voluntary job after a big gap. They haven't had any available sessions since the summer but I'm helping with a bird-box building session with a Brownies group tomorrow and am doing something else on Friday (I've forgotten so will need to look up the details!) I am very nervous! But I think it will be good for me to have more to do during the day. I need to try and keep busy and get out of my head for a bit -- I have been trapped in there for way too long now and I am sick of it! I also have eating disorder therapy tomorrow and I'm almost looking forward to it... almost. My last couple of sessions have gone quite well so I am feeling a bit more positive about it and I'm starting to get more comfortable with the therapist. My interactions with the Home Treatment Team are still a complete disaster though. In other news, I have a new poem in my port:
I love, love, love the idea but hate the poem! I think it could be a lot better. But I suppose it isn't too bad considering I wrote it while having a mental breakdown! I'm just glad I got it done, met the requirements and am still taking part in the campfire. And that's all I think I'll say right now.  |
| Prompt from Blog City: "Nothing is impossible when the word itself says I'm possible." Audrey Hepburn Do you agree with this statement? Okay, that saying is totally adorable and I love it and wish it was true but it's not really, is it? Actually, it's bullshit, to be perfectly frank and I'm in a very frank mood. Of course some things are impossible. They just are. As a completely random example off the top of my head, I will never hold a world record in weightlifting. I can work as hard as possible to get my fitness level up and practise every single day but I will never break the world record because I'm five feet small and weigh under ninety pounds! So yes, it would be physically impossible! I don't think even performance-enhancing drugs would make it possible. But I love the spirit behind the saying and it fits with where I suddenly am mentally. This happens... I get to crisis point and it's terrifying and then suddenly I get all this energy from somewhere and begin forming all these crazy plans that I must pursue... until I lose interest or burn out. I'm actually starting to think I might be bipolar. Although I never get the feelings of elation associated with the condition I was interested to learn about mixed states, where it is possible for the person to be depressed and manic at the same time. My depression is always there but I seem to swing from scarily, suicidally depressed to still feeling pretty low with bundles of energy and motivation, where I feel like I can do anything and should be doing everything. I know labels can be unhelpful but they are also necessary for accessing treatment. So far, because I am being treated for depression, I have been given antidepressants and none have worked. Maybe I am bipolar, in which case I should be treated with mood stabilisers. So a diagnosis is important in that respect. I want a treatment that's going to work! Anyway, today I have applied for a job with the Royal Mail sorting office because they are advertising for Christmas workers and I thought, why not? I don't know what kind of hours are on offer or whether I could do it as permitted work (I would like to do permitted work before I fully come off welfare benefits to test my capacity for work) so I am just going to go with the flow and see what happens. I am also applying for a support role working with adults with autism. I don't know if it's strange to want to work and support people with autism when I have an autism spectrum condition myself but I feel that because I'm so high-functioning and completely independent, it's like I have a foot in each "world", and maybe that could be of use. It might help me to identify more with the clients than the average support worker might be able to. But again, I don't know the ins and outs of the role and I only want to do it if I can start off part time and work up to full time. Then of course I'm still waiting to hear about the job scheme. I also called the job centre and have asked to make an appointment with a Disability Employment Advisor. The government and society in general are constantly moaning about how many people are unemployed and here's me, desperate to work and doing everything I can but getting nowhere. Where is the individualised help and support? My sessions with the work programme are purely a tick box thing. I go there, they mark off that they've seen me, and I leave. I've tried telling them I need help to improve my confidence but they ignored me. I don't know if I can see a Disability Employment Advisor because I have been referred to the work programme, but I thought it was worth a try. I just want to find out if there is anything else that can be done to help me prepare for work. Are there any schemes? Work experience placements? Etc. Plus I want a better explanation of the permitted work rules because I have repeatedly asked and never gotten a satisfactory answer. So suddenly I am busy, busy, busy and feeling that everything is possible, even though logically I know that's not the case. My thoughts have been working at 100 miles per minute, which is exhausting, but I'm starting to slow down now because I've taken a lorazepam tablet -- 1mg, unfortunately, which is too much for me, but that's all I had left! So I'm starting to feel pretty drugged up and should probably stop blogging! I will definitely try to catch up on blogs tomorrow -- I am interested to read how people approach this prompt. |
| I just read an article about a woman who attended her first interview and got her first job at the the age of 48. She'd become a mum at a young age and went on to have more children so focused on her family, choosing to be a stay-at-home mum. But when she divorced her husband she decided to train to be a nurse and did just that. I find that inspiring. Although I'm not quite at the point where I can stop freaking out about my own future, perhaps it isn't so bad to be career-less at 27. I constantly feel like I'm running out of time, especially as I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do, but maybe I'm not... not yet, anyway. In an ideal world I would have spent my twenties building up my career so that I was ready to start a family by my late twenties, early thirties. But that didn't happen and now I have three options. Option 1: I could spend the rest of my life kicking myself for bad choices, punishing myself for things outside of my control and grieving for the life I could have had if I had not become ill. Option 2: I could just end everything. Option 3: I could figure out what I want and fight for it with everything I have. I know what the best and correct option is, but it also happens to be the hardest one and I'm tired and afraid. The correct option is, of course, the last one and to be fair to myself I have been doing that to the best of my ability (up until this epic breakdown), though I have also been dabbling with option 1 on the side. I need to learn to drop option 1, so I can put all my energy into option 3. I just don't know how to do that! I am still under the "care" of the home treatment team right now and they are still making me worse in some ways! Today they let me leave completely distressed again but I can't be bothered to go into all that. I keep going over and over two things that have happened. One staff member, during one of the many lectures I have had to endure since my referral, let me know that an application to have me sectioned had actually been made by my care coordinator and psychiatrist but but was cancelled when I agreed to engage with the home treatment team. I think she was trying to impress upon me everything they have done to help me avoid going to hospital and she said she arranged for me to see a consultant straight away, which, according to her, is a luxury. It's the use of the word "luxury" that is really, really getting to me. I mean, am I supposed to be grateful that my mental health has deteriorated so much I get the "luxury" of speaking to a consultant psychiatrist so quickly? I also felt she was implying that I am not grateful for the care I have received. And to be honest, I'm not really, because it has mostly been appalling. But unless I'm forced to leave in complete distress (i.e. crying so hard I can't speak) I always thank them for their time, even if I feel they have done nothing for me. What a ridiculous thing to say, though. Speaking to a psychiatrist was not a luxury, it was a necessity because I was at a point where I couldn't cope with my life anymore. I would much rather I didn't need get the "luxury" of speaking to him! But don't get me wrong, I am truly thankful I live in a country where I can access care like that in an emergency, I just think describing it as a luxury is pretty stupid.The second thing was said by the same member of staff (yeah, she's a total idiot). I already blogged about this but not why it bothers me. When I got very distressed and refused to leave the building (because I was scared I would kill myself) this woman said, "do you need to be in the hospital? Because that's where this is heading...". This bothers me a lot because it was clearly said as a threat in an attempt to frighten me into leaving the building. How sick is that? Surely if they think I am so unwell that I am a danger to myself then they should just put me in the hospital, but to use it as a threat just to get someone to leave? Well, I can't even begin to articulate how wrong that is! It made me feel very afraid of the power they hold over people like me and how they can use that power to abuse people they have taken a disliking to. What an appalling way to treat someone. It has been an appalling experience all round, to be honest, and I am so completely traumatised by it that I don't know how I'm going to get over it. But after reading that article, and after also getting some goodish news yesterday, I am feeling a teensy bit stronger in myself. Just a smidgen... but that is better than nothing and I am grabbing it with both hands. Maybe I can get myself through this, I don't know. But the good news is I may be able to access the job scheme after all. Though they can't guarantee they'll be any work for me, they've agreed I can go through the interview process. Watch this space... |
| I don't really have anything to say anymore but it would be annoying to blog every day for a month and miss the last day. So this is a filler blog entry, really! I could talk about my day but I don t even want to or at least not in any detail -- things are still going the same right now. I've had a breakdown, basically, and I can't seem to recover this time. Not sure what will happen in the long-term... I need a video or something to distract from this lack of an entry. But I can't be bothered to find one. Look... here's a rainbow:   That was fun! I'm going now. I will try to catch up on blogs soon. I miss the people here. I miss being a proper member. Mostly I miss my life. It was crap but it was much less crap than it is now. Don't ever have a mental breakdown... they are the worst! Forget wanting a job or wanting my teeth fixed or blah, blah, blah. What I want more than anything in the world is to be mentally healthy... or at least healthier than I am now. I would settle for that. |
| I felt like I was maybe doing a little better earlier, despite yesterday being yet another ridiculously crappy day, but now I can feel myself slipping back down. Over the past couple of days three things I've done to try and help myself have failed and I can't help but think the universe wants me to fail at life -- to give up. On Tuesday morning I had an orthodontic consultation appointment to find out if I can get braces and the costs etc. The good news is... I am a good candidate for braces because I have excellent oral hygiene and the treatment should be quick (9 months) because my problems are pretty minor. The bad news is... it costs £2750. It is possibly doable if I put a deposit down and pay the rest off on a monthly basis over two years but I am so anxious about spending that kind of money. So currently I am pursuing making a complaint to my dental surgery because I believe their late diagnosis of my high frenulum is to blame for the state of my teeth (if they had noticed it sooner it could have been corrected sooner and the gap in my teeth might not be so big). I feel like they should be paying for my treatment, or at least contribute to it. I'm so stressed about this right now.On Wednesday I found out my referral to the community dentist has been rejected. I wanted this referral because they can work with very anxious patients or those with mental health problems and I thought it might be a bit easier on me to go to a dentist who is likely to be somewhat understanding of those kind of problems. My doctor is allowed to re-refer me but I'm not sure I have the energy to pursue it. I am so, so tired of this dental fixation I have and it is destroying my life right now. There is so much more stressing me out when it comes to my teeth but I can't be bothered to go into it all. Not long after I found out about the rejected referral, I was contacted by the people who run the job scheme I applied for and told I am not eligible for it because I am in a different town... something they knew from the start.  I have no idea why it suddenly matters and I am frustrated, furious and devastated all at the same time. But this is isn't something I can think about too much at the moment.I've fallen at the last hurdle with the blog challenge.  I've never done a product review and the thought of doing one (well, three) is making me anxious and is not something I feel I can push myself to do when I am trying to deal with so much other crap... so I've had to leave it. I feel incredibly disappointed about this.Tomorrow I have an eye appointment in the morning and I'm also meeting with the practice manager at my dentist to discuss my concerns. Fingers crossed there is a positive outcome because I need something to go right for once. In the afternoon I am meeting with that guy from the home treatment team (the one who helped me when I was having a meltdown) to talk through my anxiety and hopefully learn some techniques that can help me manage it a bit better. I didn't see him yesterday in the end because he wasn't available but I saw another member of the team and she was pretty nice. We went to the hospital cafe and I was able to talk a bit... because she was compassionate, respectful and gave me time and space to talk. What a difference! And it made all the difference to me. I don't need lectures and people being tough on me. I am extremely fragile right now and so I need people to be gentle and to show understanding. I'm not on board with the whole "tough love" approach. I don't think that's an appropriate technique to use with people in crisis. It almost sent me over the edge! I don't know if I can get through this. I badly need help with the teeth thing but I don't know how to get it. I feel like I'm never going to be able to work. My life has become so small and I am just consumed by my problems. They have taken over my life and I can't cope anymore. I don't know how to fix this and I'm scared. |
| ...a pretty cute video! [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Thank goodness for dogs. |
| Prompt from Blog City: If your life flashed before your eyes, what are 5 moments you know would be included? Bonus points to the monthly blogging if you tie this in with Halloween. Interesting prompt! It's hard to narrow twenty-seven years down to five moments but I'll give it a go. Here they are chronological order: My trauma: This was a doctor's terrible lapse in judgement. It was brief but it has impacted on me greatly, affecting me for more than half my life now. Yes, this moment would definitely flash before my eyes, unfortunately. My graduation day: This was probably one of the happiest moments of my life. After four years of hard work, stress and breakdowns I got my degree and even now, five years on, I still can't quite believe it. It's the biggest achievement of my life and one of the hardest things I have ever done but I did it. I love looking at the photos of that day because I look so light and happy in them and that's exactly how I was feeling. I felt like I was shining. Passing my driving test: Another happy moment and second biggest achievement of my life! I guess I have more of those than I often remember! That whole day was fantastic. I had an hour-long driving lesson beforehand and drove the best I had ever driven, which gave my confidence such a boost. I went into my test thinking -- knowing -- that I could do it. And I drove amazingly! Apart from two small errors I was perfect and I knew I'd passed before we even got back to the test centre and the examiner told me. It was wonderful to go home and tell Mark, my sister and her partner that I'd done it! And on my first attempt! And with only two minors! I was so awesome that day! Going to Amsterdam: A great memory for me and an experience I'll never forget.. If I had to pick a specific moment from the trip to flash before my eyes then I suppose it would be walking hand-in-hand with Mark around Anne Frank House. My suicide attempt: A crappy moment and a terrifying one but an important one that has marked the start of this incredibly difficult and soul-destroying chapter of my life. If I can make it through this challenging period I feel like I can do anything. I'm surprised that for such a negative person I've chosen three happy moments and two sad ones. They were all defining moments for me though. Non-prompt entry: Oh god, I think I've just had the worst day in the history of my worst days! My appointment with the home treatment team was a total disaster. I met with two people from the team and they were pretty hostile to me from the get-go but I have no idea why. They kept saying to me over and over and over again, "you need to give us something to work with" and I was sat there thinking, um... what about the two pages of notes I wrote on what I feel is contributing to my current mental state? I didn't say it like that but I did point out that I've written down the things troubling me, only to be told by them, "we are not a therapy service". I KNOW that but they haven't made it clear to me what they can do so how the hell am I supposed to let them know what I need from them when I don't know what they can do to help? When I did ask all she said was, "we assess risk". It was incredibly bizarre and I got incredibly distressed. They tried to end the appointment and I broke down because I'm so tired of leaving these meetings feeling worse when I should be feeling helped and supported. I felt like my only option was suicide and I didn't want to leave because I don't want to die. So I wouldn't leave. I was sobbing. I don't sob in front of people normally -- that is very, very unusual for me and a massive, flashing, bright red signal of distress that got ignored. They wanted me to go and kept complaining that I was holding them up and taking up a room they needed to use. I said, "I don't f****** care." I don't normally use language like that so that was another sign of my complete distress. They got more and more mean and at one point I said, "I don't understand why you are being hostile to me when I am so distressed." They didn't respond. I seriously, seriously don't understand it. Then one of them said, "do you need to be in the hospital right now? Because that is where this is heading..." It was said in a rather threatening manner and terrified me. I am so completely confused and devastated by their treatment of me. There was other stuff as well but I can't be bothered to go into it all. Eventually they got two other members of staff to take over and the guy who spoke to me the most treated me with compassion and respect and that helped me to calm down. He treated me like an intelligent adult and not some naughty school girl. That's the kind of support I need. He asked if I want to see him tomorrow and I said yes. It's not guaranteed as they work as a team and the work is unpredictable, but hopefully it will be him. I am scared of the other two. I don't know if it's me or them or both that is making everything so difficult. I know my Asperger Syndrome isn't helping matters but I can't do anything about that -- they need to figure out a way to work with it or around it because it's not something I can change. This evening I have emailed the guy who carried out my autism assessment asking for help in dealing with them. I don't know if he'll be able to do anything but I thought it was worth a try. I've asked if there is anything I can say or give them to read that will help them understand autism a bit better. If that doesn't work or if things don't improve very soon then I will discharge myself and try to get through this by myself. If it wasn't so devastating and terrifying maybe it would be pretty funny that the people whose job it is to keep me safe are actually pushing me closer and closer to the edge. ~ ~But enough of all that! In other, happier news, it is my 7th account birthday today and I marked it with this post to my notebook earlier: "Note: Forgive me for being a bit emotional but I’m havin...". I would like to thank all the people who have commented on that or sent me cNotes, reviews or merit badges. I truly appreciate it. I will respond to them all when I can. I love this site.  |
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