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Saturday, Apr. 27, 2024

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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by Fivesixer

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa the Bunny Stik

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

intuey of House Lannister

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle - on hiatus

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Robert Waltz

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pon

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Harlow Flick, Right Fielder

Mar 6, 2023 at 8:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

This is such a very human thing, isn't it.

“I think there is nearly an overwhelming sadness to the human predicament.” - Skinny Boy Hill

BOOM! This ain’t no whipped cream pie I’m tossing.

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

August 16, 2020 at 12:05am

#990911

Make it make sense.

Artist: Hozier
Song: Wasteland, Baby!
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]

I feel like television static.

I don't even understand how time is passing. It just is. It just does.

I'm finding it to be so difficult to connect to or talk to anyone. I'm trying, I think. But every time I try to talk to someone, I walk away from the conversation feeling worse than when I entered it. Either I feel annoying, like a downer, or I feel bad because there's this brick wall between me and the other person. In a conversation with more than one other person, I disappear completely. I might as well be a piece of furniture.

There's such immense pressure for me to act normal all the time. Kira is very much a "don't dwell" person, and I respect that about her. She makes the best of every situation, but that means she's also not okay with the people around her dwelling.

Most of our conversations right now are like...
"It's two in the afternoon, you're going to sleep? Did you just wake up? You're always tired. The pandemic sucks, but it is what it is. Just do one of your hobbies. Don't ruin the evening by being moody. Are you okay? There's no point in talking about this. There's no point in thinking about that."

She's very action-oriented. So the way she sees it is like, "Oh, Charlie's sleeping all the time and struggling. Hey, come have a couple drinks with me. Let's watch a movie. I'll make dinner."

And while I totally get it and appreciate it, it puts a lot of pressure on me. Because then it's like, okay, fuckface, get up. Eat something. Enjoy something. Don't talk about anything bad or negative. Act okay.

I feel so guilty for being in my current state when there are so many people who have lost their jobs or lost friends and family to the virus. A lot of people are stuck alone when they don't want to be. I fully believe that everyone is suffering to some degree.

But... I haven't thought about the pandemic in a while. I mean, other than the cabin fever from being inside. But people keep telling me that everyone is having a difficulty time with the pandemic and I'm like, shit. Because this is independent of the pandemic. The virus could disappear tomorrow and I'm still going to be this way. I'm stuck with myself forever.

Everyone copes with things differently. A lot of people cope by distracting themselves with something else and calling it a day, and I try to do the same. But the problem is that things build up and they get too big to quietly carry.

And to be quite frank, quietly carrying things is exactly what got me to where I am now. I'm at the point now where when someone tries to distract me, I feel like they're trying to silence me without telling me to be silent. They're disengaging from what I'm saying, knowing that I'll quietly slip back into myself.

That isn't what I want though. I don't want to be dismissed anymore. I don't want to be alone in my head. It's a scary place to be.

When I'm quickly brushed off, or someone changes the subject without acknowledging what I'm saying, it makes me dissociate more. It very much makes me feel like I'm not "real" like I don't exist. It makes me wonder if I died in an overdose 5 years ago and I'm just haunting my own life.

I say all of this with full knowledge that I'm a lot just generally speaking, in every way. You can't bring people a pile of broken pieces of yourself and be like, "Okay, assemble this. Make this make sense."

But it's the only thing I can do because, despite everything, I still don't understand what's happening to me. Regardless of any diagnoses I've gotten, on a daily basis, I don't understand what's happening when I'm having a mental health episode. Why doesn't anything feel real? Why don't I feel real? How can hours or days pass without you knowing it? Why is there this constant opaque film between me and everyone else?

I just want to make it make sense.

Be still, my indelible friend, you are unbreaking
Though quaking, though crazy
That's just wasteland, baby

6 Like • Comment • View 2 comments

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