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Saturday, Apr. 27, 2024

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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by Fivesixer

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa the Bunny Stik

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

intuey of House Lannister

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle - on hiatus

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Robert Waltz

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pon

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Harlow Flick, Right Fielder

Mar 6, 2023 at 8:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

This is such a very human thing, isn't it.

“I think there is nearly an overwhelming sadness to the human predicament.” - Skinny Boy Hill

BOOM! This ain’t no whipped cream pie I’m tossing.

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

August 18, 2020 at 10:54pm

#991132

Pour a little salt.

Artist: Bon Iver
Song: Flume
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]

I was so ready to write and say that I'm starting to snap out of this episode that I'm in. I’ve been trying incredibly hard to just swallow down the things that triggered it. Just going in and out of dissociation while trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy. Trying to essentially just hold conversations as best as I can when someone messages me. Although I’m clearly not coming across as myself because a few people I know in real life have mentioned that I’m very quiet and asked if I’m having migraines, which sounded like a good excuse to me, so I just said yeah.

In reality, I’m not doing anything as normal. Not eating as normal, not sleeping as normal. I’m having nightmares pretty much every time I fall asleep. I wake up panicked, gasping for air and regret sleeping in the first place. I’m not able to hold conversations like normal. I’ve even tried to respond to emails or comments here and my fingers just freeze over the keys. My mind slips away.

Somehow, the panic attacks and nightmares are a "good" sign, interlaced with the dissociation because it means I am starting to come back to what is my reality. Cycling between the two is a signal that I'm going to be back to my anxiety-riddled self in no time. Unfortunately, I still haven't gotten my medication situation figured out. Maybe my brain was trying to protect itself long enough for me to get it sorted. Failed you there, brain.

So anyway, yesterday, after another work day spent completely spaced out and falling even further behind, I decided that enough is enough. It’s absolutely necessary that I drop back into reality by whatever means necessary. Whether I have to medicate myself or drink my brain into submission or go find my toxic ex to straighten me out. Doesn’t matter. Gotta figure it out.

That was the only thing on my mind after work.

And then I got a message from my mother.

And unbeknownst to her, I got re-triggered and immediately started spiraling yet again. So all of that I’m gonna act normal for real this time “positive” self talk got obliterated.

I was lying in bed last night and all I could think was, like, god, how raw... Just how raw and how painful the emotions are surrounding this trauma.

I don’t want to feel that. I don’t ever want to feel that pain or think about those things. That repeated mantra of I don’t want to feel this, I don’t want to feel this, started giving me some kind of strength. Like, if I don’t want this feeling to hurt me, I don’t have to let it hurt me.

Which led me down the path of thinking about stoicism and how that has helped me in the past when I needed something to tell myself to help me feel okay enough to get me through when there was no other option.

You know, like Aurelius, Zeno, Epictetus, Seneca, etc... And I thought of this quote that I used to just roll around in my mind sometimes:

“If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you’d be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled—have you no shame in that?”

Again, like old times, I just rolled this thought around in my mind, fully knowing that those who have left me disturbed are soundly sleeping. They never think of me. They’re not a hostage of their actions- I am. They don’t sit around thinking about the abuse they delivered- I do. And I thought, how unfair. How unfair that they get to go about living their lives as normal when I’m stuck in the past where they trapped me.

But at the same time, how unfair of me to allow myself to be held hostage by people who don’t even care. How unfair to give them power so long after they were done with me. It comes down to control and letting go of the things that you cannot control so that those things cannot control you.

I don’t know what I’m really getting at here, except that I need to break out of whatever loop I'm in right now. Just need to probably quite literally meditate on it and figure out my next move. I know I'm getting close to getting my mind in a place where I can at least feign normalcy. If I can get to that point, I can declare "victory" on this round.

Only love is all maroon
Lapping lakes like leery loons
Leaving rope burns, reddish rouge

6 Like • Comment • View 1 comment

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