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Saturday, Apr. 27, 2024

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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by Fivesixer

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa the Bunny Stik

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

intuey of House Lannister

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle - on hiatus

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Robert Waltz

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pon

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Harlow Flick, Right Fielder

Mar 6, 2023 at 8:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

This is such a very human thing, isn't it.

“I think there is nearly an overwhelming sadness to the human predicament.” - Skinny Boy Hill

BOOM! This ain’t no whipped cream pie I’m tossing.

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

August 21, 2020 at 11:01pm

#991323

So much time to question my life...

Artist: The Velvet Underground
Song: Venus in Furs
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]

"JAFBG" Prompt: Let's talk unpopular opinions. What petty hill are you willing to die on?

So, yeah... I still feel like shit. How did the stoicism not work??

Thought that was foolproof.

I have a hill to die on, but it’s not petty and I'm probably going to dance around it because it's not the most comfortable thing for me to talk about here. The good news is that I am coming back around. Slowly.

I've thought on it and I know what I need to do to center myself, to ground myself. To break the dissociation that I've been feeling for fucking weeks and weeks now. I have to do something that forces the dissociation so that I can "come out of it" naturally. I have to do that with someone I trust to guide me in and out of it.

I'm not sure if anyone who reads this will me well enough to know what I'm referring to, but "omg, charlie, no" comments to the right please.

I've meditated on it and it's just what I'm going to do. I've already set things into motion. Shockingly, Kira agreed to it. Or maybe not shockingly because she'd probably to just about anything to get me out of her hair with my constant dissociation panic attacks. If I'm going to jump in between dissociating and panicking all the time anyway, I might as well just go all the way there.

This is weird for me to write about because I haven't really written straightforward about my lifestyle or being in the bdsm scene. To be clear, I have written about it (see: "Invalid Item"

; "Invalid Item"

), but not really in my blog, I guess.

But usually when I do talk to someone about it they're like, "You can't be serious... with your history??" Or they're just like, "That should be illegal." "That's insane." "Why would someone do this?" et cetera...

The thing is, I'm probably into it because of my history, not in spite of it. It's comfortable for me to slip into because it's what I know. It's what I understand. So I can "shrug it on" easily (see:"Invalid Entry"

).

Admittedly, I've gone through a fair share of bullshit in the scene because not everyone has your best interests at heart. There are a lot of people who are just outright abusive and are hiding behind the scene because it allows them to do what they want to do to unsuspecting people who aren't sure what they need or want.

But I do have someone who's greatly experienced and knows me better than almost anyone. And, yeah, that's what I'm going to try to do. I mean, we're going to meet this weekend to talk through things. We'll see.

75% chance minja freaks if she reads this, so I won't tag her, but if it comes up later, I'll claim that I told everyone publicly.

Love you though, Min.

The potential of this has reinvigorated me. Gotten me through work, although I'm still not concentrating well at all. I'm worried about how little I've gotten done, like someone's just going to be like hey, what the fuck have you been doing for literally weeks??

I mean, I've been there to answer emails and send out reports and all that shit, but I haven't really done anything beyond that, so kind of just the bare minimum for a few weeks now.

I'm going to try to respond to emails and stuff here this weekend. My thoughts feel a little more collected now, so as long as I don't have a really bad weekend, I should be able to engage with people a little better now.

Dunno, debating posting this now. Like, it's not a huge deal and probably no one will read it anyway. It's just something that's easy to get judged kind of harshly on. But I'm okay with that I think. It's my body so it's my choice, and that's definitely a hill I'm willing to die on... for myself and others.

But if that comes to fruition, I might mention it in my blog here and there so it's fair to just get it out there now.

I really want to get out of my head and stop dissociating. It just feels so horrible. It's like complete emotional numbness and total disconnection between myself and every other person. Like a glass wall between us.

It’s hard because people have reached out to me and I desperately want to reach back to them... but I can’t. Every time someone checks in on me, I just want to reach for them.

I simply cannot do this anymore. I have to try something else and hope for the best. Even though I’m scared to, which explains why I felt the need to write about it.

I am tired, I am weary
I could sleep for a thousand years
A thousand dreams that would awake me
Different colors made of tears

7 Like • Comment • View 7 comments

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