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Saturday, Apr. 27, 2024

2:24am EDT

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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by Fivesixer

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa the Bunny Stik

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

intuey of House Lannister

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle - on hiatus

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Robert Waltz

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pon

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Harlow Flick, Right Fielder

Mar 6, 2023 at 8:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

This is such a very human thing, isn't it.

“I think there is nearly an overwhelming sadness to the human predicament.” - Skinny Boy Hill

BOOM! This ain’t no whipped cream pie I’m tossing.

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

August 9, 2020 at 10:26pm

#990389

Won't you torture someone else's sleep?

Artist: twenty one pilots
Song: Migraine
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]

Siiiiigh...

So, yeah, here's an update.

I've not figured out a single fucking thing because my brain just will.not.work. I did read everyone's comments on my last entry, and I appreciate people giving advice. Unfortunately, um, I haven't done anything.

In fact, this week I had a family member call me and bring up a bunch of traumatic shit from my past so I actually fell into a dissociative episode and completely just disconnected. I was having a lot of derealization and depersonalization. I lost like 3 days of time because I was completely detached. I don't even know what I did at work or anything. The time is just... gone.

I started to come out of it a little bit yesterday, but I've been pretty much disconnected again today. I don't know if it's evident or not, but I can barely even write. It has taken me forever to just get this far in my entry because nothing feels real. I don't feel like I'm "here" at all and just zone out entirely for a long time.

But I wanted to say something. Or follow up or something. And say that the whole neurologist/xanax thing is a little bit complicated. I actually haven't seen my neurologist in years. Initially, I saw him for my migraines, but once we found something that mostly works for it, I stopped seeing him. I started to get the migraine med script from my primary care doctor because he has an attached pharmacy with some common meds for cheaper. So my neurologist just put 5 refills on my xanax and twice a year a different pharmacy I went to would call him to reauthorize the prescription and he would do that.

So his staff doesn't even know me. I haven't been there for a long time. I just got my xanax from him authorizing it and we didn't even talk.

I also don't have my medical records together in any kind of way. I have 4 different pharmacies I go somewhat regularly. One by my old place, a new one by my new place, one by my ex-boyfriend's place, and then my primary care doctor's pharmacy. I also have had like 6 different therapists from different places in the past 4 years. It's really difficult for me to gather all of those records to be like, "See, here's everything."

I did talk to my general doctor and he said he would be willing to be the prescriber on behalf of a basic therapist if I went to one and they worked with him on prescribing something, but that would require going to therapy for probably several sessions before they'd make any kind of recommendation. Other than that, he said he would prescribe Paxil or something I haven't tried yet.

But I'm not in any kind of frame of mind to take care of myself right now or be motivated to work with anyone on much of anything. If I can get on my work computer in the morning and stare at a wall for 8 hours then that's a terrific day at this moment. I can't even begin to explain how foggy my brain is and how much it just isn't working.

My brain feels like those illusion pictures where you have to go cross-eyed to see the image. I feel like my brain is constantly slipping into that unfocused state. I can't stay with a train of thought and just nothing feels real or there's like a real life lag happening.

I can't stay awake. I think I've slept like 3 or 4 times today on top of sleeping last night. I'll be awake for maybe 2 or 3 hours at a time and I'm essentially just blankly staring during that time before I fall back asleep. Um, so I'm in that time frame now.

There was something else I wanted to say, but I can't remember. Oh, I was going to say that my membership here is expiring next weekend. I think I'll have like 4 weeks to open my port back up after it expires. I did a bad job of trying to review to get GPs. I forgot to post the reviews I did do in any of the forums so I didn't get credit for doing them.

And now I just absolutely don't have the concentration to do that or to review at all. It would take hours for me to get through reading and reviewing an item. But I've had these episodes before and I slip out of them as fast as I slip into them so I will probably be okay and review and open my port back up before 4 weeks. So if you see my stuff disappear next weekend it's okay, I'll renew it.

So yeah, I had a family member call me Tuesday morning and I was just trying to work. I was already really not feeling mentally well. But then he talked to me for like literally 3 hours about past stuff that I haven't thought about and try not to think about for a really long time. And then he was just like "ok bye" and I was just like very anxious. Then I just like slipped away. I don't know.

But anyway, I'm going to try to focus on getting something done at work tomorrow. Or try to figure out what I did, if anything, last week now that I've taken forever to write this.

Sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind

5 Like • Comment • View 3 comments

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