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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Gregory Alan Isakov Song: The Stable Song [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Today started out so good. I can’t even explain how well today started out compared to the past few weeks. I met up with the person I mentioned in my previous entry and we talked, did a session (or a scene as it’s called), and I was sooo clear-minded. For the first time in so long I was able to clearly articulate what I was feeling and hold focus through a linear conversation. I was so excited because it was like, yes, I’ve finally broken through this wall and I’ve been able to connect to someone else. I was also feeling really good, like confident, maybe(?) Because I felt like I knew what I had needed and I was proud of myself for A) knowing what I needed, and B) getting it. I was sincerely blissed out, like this weight had been lifted from my chest and I could breathe freely. We were kind of wrapping up our conversation over a cup of tea. By the way, acai blueberry tea is good. And, um, we. Well, so, he was. Sorry. I should edit all of this out, but freewriting is pretty much all I can manage right now so bear with me. What I’m trying to say is that we were finishing our conversation so he was helping me gather my things up, making sure I didn’t leave anything behind and stuff. So he hands me my work phone, which is the only phone I have right now. And it was like... 28 new text messages. I was like oh shit, thinking I’d missed something big happening at work. But all the messages actually were from my mom. My parents are in the process of moving right now for like the 4th or 5th time in the past decade. She had sent a bunch of texts along with photos. And the photos were things from my childhood, which I didn’t even know they still had because the majority of it got thrown away. It was just basic stuff like a picture of my youth group on some camping thing when I was 8 and she was like, “Do you want this?” So 28 messages of that. Something I made in art class, “Do you want this?” A science fair ribbon, “What about this?” A laminated poem that my school had entered in some scholastic competition during middle school, “What about this?” A 4th grade report card, “And this?” I kind of I think was confused because I didn’t know what to say. I messaged her back and I just said I don’t really have room in my apartment you know to store stuff because I live in a small space. So she messaged back and was like, “Ok I’ll toss it.” This really caught me off guard since I didn’t know the stuff existed at all, but also because I thought those childhood keepsakes things were kept by parents for themselves. I didn’t know that they were kept to give back to the kids as adults. So I said that. I was just like I thought parents kept those things for themselves? Because I certainly didn’t keep my science fair ribbon or ask anyone to hold onto it. She just responded and said my brothers took some of their stuff. I didn’t know how to respond and I’m not a parent so I don’t know the social background of those childhood keepsakes or whatever so I just told her she could throw anything of mine away that she comes across. But I was still with this other person as this conversation was happening and he was like, “Are you okay? What’s going on?” I told him everything’s cool, like nothing’s going on. And he told me I just got really tense and my mood shifted. So I just thanked him for the tea and left. Then my day started to unravel a lot all at once. It was like that cloud came back over me and I had that weight on top of me again. I wasn’t breathing freely anymore, my breaths were more like ragged and just not calm. And I had no idea why. I wasn’t even upset about the stuff. I couldn’t even identify what emotions I was feeling or what was happening. My head was just spinning for some reason and I was sitting through traffic lights on the way home, just feeling myself drift apart again. I kept trying to reconnect and regain the feeling I’d had this morning but it wouldn’t come back to me. I just slipped away. By the time I got home, I was completely detached again and couldn’t even remember the last bit of the drive home. I kind of just stumbled up the stairs and into bed. I felt so drained of energy. All I could do was sleep on and off for the rest of the day. When I finally woke up in the evening, I felt super frustrated because I thought I’d had a breakthrough and I didn’t. It was so temporary. I really wanted it to last a little bit longer. I’m annoyed with myself because I don’t understand what happened. Who cares about the junk from my old schools and church and stuff? I don’t know get why that ruined my mood. Just stupid... Everything I had planned for the afternoon (mostly just WDC stuff) was gone. But I still have slight hope that I can come out of this somehow because I did, however briefly. It makes me think I’m on the right track maybe. Now I've been crazy couldn't you tell I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell |
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