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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Michl Song: When You Loved Me Least [Embed For Use By Upgraded+]  "JAFBG"  Prompt: Tell us about something/someone that fucked you off this week. Too long; didn't read version is just the title of this entry. So today I contacted my neurologist's office who has prescribed my xanax for the past, um, 6 years(?) I sent a message just saying that I'd moved and need to change pharmacy locations for my script this month, which is my normal method of communication with them. They typically don't even respond; I just get a message from the pharmacy saying my meds are available for pickup. Buuuut, not this time. I get a call a few hours later from a medical assistant at the office and she's like, "Your doctor doesn't practice here anymore as of a couple weeks ago." Of course, I'm like, "Uh okay, so... how do I get my medication?" She says, "I mean... you can make an appointment with one of our other doctors and try to see if they'll prescribe Xanax, but I very highly doubt that they will. Do you want to try to set up an appointment?" What.The.Fuck. First of all, you fucking waited for me to contact you to tell me that I no longer have a neurologist. Secondly, you're basically saying that none of the other doctors are going to be willing to prescribe my meds, but I can go ahead and set up a $300 appointment during the middle of a pandemic to be told to go fuck myself? Cool. I ask her if she can tell me where he's practicing now and she says she doesn't have that information or can't share that information or something like that. I'm like, okay, so I'm just shit outta luck basically? She told me I can't try somewhere else. "Try somewhere else." Try to get xanax somewhere else? Like... the southside? What do you mean try somewhere else? Now, I know this medication is highly sought after by addicts. I get it. It's easy to abuse. But I haven't been abusing it at all. I just get my monthly script and I don't seek out any more than I'm given. I've been super obedient with taking only as much as I'm given to chill out my panic attacks so that I don't get myself into trouble. And what I mean by that is that I don't have 'regular' panic attacks. My panic attacks will take over an entire building. They'll take over an entire city block. My panic attacks are so epic that I'm terrified someone will call the police and they'll hop on over and shoot me in the fucking head for not complying. They're so bad that I've been taken to the ER during a panic attack before and had two male nurses plus a male doctor literally on top of me trying to hold me down to inject me with a sedative. These aren't 'normal' everyday panic attacks. When you hear stories of people inpatient at the psych ward strapped to a bed and sedated— that's me. Because my panic attacks are so incredibly out of control. I messaged my general physician who has repeatedly refused to give me anything fast-acting for my anxiety because "they're addictive" and I should "be on a daily medication" instead. I was like please, please, please don't let me go without anxiety meds in the middle of an OCD spiral during a pandemic. Like, I don't have time to doc hop trying to find someone who will listen to me and understand. He lectured the fuck out of me. He was like, "I told you not to be taking this stuff. Your mental health issues are severe. You should be on a daily medication to regulate yourself. I'll prescribe a very short term script and then you're going to have to make a decision on what you want to do, because you're not getting any more from me. You're not convincing me that you're not addicted by begging me" et cetera... So he prescribed ten (10) pills total. Wtf is that supposed to do. Get me through 3 days?? It's so fucking frustrating because you can't get anyone to actually listen. You can't start up with a new doctor or psych and be like, "Hey, so my neuro was giving me this and he quit or got fired or something, can you prescribe it now?" They're just going to see you as an addict and label you that way forever. It's impossible to get this shit from a doctor, especially quickly. Like maybe if I shopped around enough and sat through 10 sessions with 15 different psychs I'd eventually find one who would be like, "Ok, your panic attacks are resistant to SNRIs, SSRIs, and all the other one-off bullshit on the market. Here's something that will help quickly for when you need it." But you know how much fucking money and time that takes? More than I have. Because every fucking doctor is gonna be like, "K, let's try Lexapro? No good? Well, keep trying it a few more weeks. Still no? Ok, it takes a while to adjust, give it a few more weeks. Nope? Ok, let's try upping the dose. No good? Ok, well you're adjusting to the new dosage, give it 6 weeks. Still nothing? Maybe this one isn't for you. Ok, let's try Zoloft. No good? Well, keep trying it a few more weeks..." ad nauseum. Maybe, maaaaybe, if you're super fucking lucky, after a year of being dragged through shit and having your brain chemicals all sorts of fucked with, if you manage to not get too suicidal to the point of hospitalization, they might agree that they could try something more fast-acting/potent. And that's if they don't just declare you "treatment resistant" and in that case they might just start combining shit you've already taken or, more likely, say it's "failure of patience adherence." AKA it's the patient's fault. I've done this song and dance so many fucking times. I don't know if you can tell how exasperated I am with it, but... I am.so.fucking.sick. of doctors coming in and trying shit that I've already tried numerous times while completely failing to listen to me. I've been doing this since I was a young teen. I know what works and what doesn't work for me. The fact that I have to essentially completely restart treatment with every new therapist or doctor I see is such a fucking waste of time. And I know how I sound. I sound like an addict who's flipping out because they want their fix, but that's not the case. I'm not addicted to it. I'm just addicted to not completely losing my fucking mind every time my anxiety decides to fuck me up. There's no way, like, zero chance I'm going to make it through the fall and winter we're about to have in the US with this pandemic without proper meds for my anxiety. I just don't have a shot. I've already been sitting at home for 5 months slowly going stir crazy. I can't even imagine a foot of snow on the ground, nowhere to go because there's a fucking virus killing a bunch of people, and no medication that actually works for my panic attacks. For real, you guys won't see me at fucking all because I'll either be dead or in a psych hospital. Bottom fucking line. I'm not going to make it through that. Alternatively, I can get what I need. It's not like this is something that isn't commonly sold in various places, but that's an extremely slippery slope for someone with addiction issues. Because then it's not like "here, this is the amount you have for the month, so do with it what you will." It's more like, "how much money do you have because you can have as much as your money will buy." I have no idea how anyone thought that outright refusing these meds to legitimate patients would curb drug abuse, because um, I'm about to be Exhibit 1 of how that does not work. It's so fucking annoying because I don't want my life to be like this. I don't want to have to take anything. Full stop. But I have to because my brain does not work with me the way a normal person's brain works. My brain actively works against me, like triple time, specifically to ensure that I don't ever get any relief. I don't want to have to try to figure out how to get my medication like this. I shouldn't have to. The professionals that I pay should be looking out for me, like, the tiniest bit to make sure that I'm being treated and not at risk for this exact type of thing. I don't know how I manage to talk so much but it's like I say nothing at all. But I'm in reverse now; Don't follow me 'Cause I loved you most when you loved me least |
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