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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| Everyone, I've been going through a dark and unhappy day since yesterday. I was doing ok earlier in the morning. But then after I had a nap and went back to checking my emails, I started getting discouraged. Everything seemed to be pointless. I felt as though I wasn't inspired to do much writing, or to knit more of my work. I've been writing steadily on The Bridge but I stopped and started to feel discouraged. I know that these dark moods of mine haven't been as bad as it was last night and even into now. It's been tough realizing that my life has been a series of jobs that have come to have been unfulfilling and it's been tough to discover that I was born to two people who rejected me and gave me to another couple to raise. These two people were high in society when I was born and each other them had already been groomed to become married to others, and not to each other. Then the family that I grew up in had a bad member who got me in trouble and told me to do something outside the house. That's when I got kidnapped and taken away from my home and ended in the Phiilippines. I was 'adopted' by two people who were hired by someone big in England to raise me. So, I never got to have a proper life as a wanted child. It was very difficult to realize that I wasn't wanted and I was treated like a person who didn't have rights to a life that should have been good. I think my whole personality is challenged by these discoveries. i am not sure who I am anymore. And where I belong, and to whom I should be with. I felt in the time of my years in college that i wasn't a citizen of any country. I thought i was a citizen of the world. But that was because I didn't belong to any country. my birth country had dismissed me and nobody seemed to care that i had disappeared. Nobody seemed to know who took me away. Nobody seemed to ask questions where I had gone to. It seemed as though the circumstances of my first years had been covered up and there are no people left to tell the story of my early life in England. Even my life in the Philippines seemed to be a case of being brainwashed and reprogrammed to give me scenes of life - but none was a continuous number of days and years where i could tell that I truly lived among these people in that country. So I felt lost. I felt as though I was a piece of baggage that nobody claimed or cared about. I am still feeling unsteady about this life I have. I carry a name that isn't mine. I have a name that I know was mine when I was born to these two people. And it seems as though I had another name in between. My three sets of parents are mute about me and how I became theirs. They aren't saying anything. My first parents don't wish to remember me, they've got too much invested in their own important lives. My second set of parents are unknown to me. The third set of parents are not speaking about it - one of them is dead and she's ghosting me. What does one do with this life that i have? How do I come to grips with how I got to this world? Am I real to anyone? How do I get through and find out what happened to me? How important is it? I guess only God knows what really happened to me. But I'm filled with questions and sad feelings. I can't say that I know what good parents are. What do I do with this knowledge? |
| Today I've been blessed with a sunshiney morning. My family are here with breakfast getting done. I've been going through some tense feelings lately and I've tried to figure it out. I might be going too much with my blogs about my opinions and how I find life to be. I've given some thoughts about my ideas about the issues of the day. It's hard not to. Everywhere you look they're talking about this pandemic, how cities are looking so bleak, games and races are being put off, ball players are backing out of playing in the different ball games and seasons, people are getting more into their own thing as they suffer through isolation. I'm seeing a great change in some things - how more of us are being more concerned about the well being of our families, our kids, even adopting pets to keep them company (if they're alone). It's a bit of a change that might actually be good for the country and other countries - despite the sadness of the afflictions we've had - and that perhaps we could be getting back to basics. In the old days, people traveled less in cars but in other types of vehicles. Bicycle traffic seems to be the norm these days in some places and replacing the cars which helps the environment. One time I saw how NYC had a clearer atmosphere. In another place people are inside little plastic cages or tents while they enjoy the outdoors or having a snack in a patio setting. Restaurants are still not quite a safe place to eat mostly because of the proximity of seating. Movie houses aren't quite popular, I'd say, and drive ins, the popular thing in the old days are making a comeback (which I think is cool). We could walk our pets but then we feel a bit shy about going around still. I hesitate going out in the open because I might meet people (who aren't wearing masks) and they might be carrying the virus. We might even get to the point of growing our own vegetables, putting up chicken coops, canning our own food, making our own beer and wine. The farming industry isn't as happy either because of the fact that there would be an oversurplus of food they grow and business (income) might be lessened. Air travel is compromised. I know some airlines are putting their cares to the wind and going on with travel, cramming passengers in their airplanes. I don't know whether they could try to increase their carriers and then space passengers out in these so they can still fly people all over the world. The fact that the US is highest in the number of virus deaths makes the US citizens suspect to EU countries (who've made strides in lowering death rates) so that means travel to the EU for vacations and business reasons is hampered. Some people I've seen on social media have been separated from their spouses. Some people in healthcare have not seen their children for weeks and weeks because of the fear they'll contaminate them as they are in the forefront of healthcare. I do not know when this very scary and somehow new world order will stabilise. It's a bit like living from day to day, isn't it? And we don't know some of us, how that might be. We always have our schedules, our agendas for weeks on and on, and meetings with people who help our businesses are put off or we go on Zoom or some other distance meeting softwares. But then Zoom, for instance, gets hacked. We live online more than ever. We seem to be at a loss as to how best to carry on. What do we do? I don't have a pat answer. We all have to make new priorities. Probably the one thing is to prioritize the health we have and the health of our families. We can't help but do this. More than ever people are losing their loved ones and we can't even be with them when they're dying. We don't even see how a number of cities are disposing of these poor casualties - they seem to be putting them in a huge field of dirt and burying them in series with unmarked coffins made of plain wood. The astronomical costs of the treatment of illness due to the pandemic is another headache - who's going to pay for it all? Insurance companies, you might say, but if one has already lost one's job they're out of insurance and that cripples the whole economy. I see the DOW jones saying we're going up and doing good but is that real? I know the unemployment rate is up and people are looking for any job at all to keep the house payments at least going. Our family is eating what's available in the stores - frozen meals mostly. Tinned meats. We're afraid of those meats that are being displayed as packing companies are having COVID cases by the cartload. We are living on a fixed income, and so we have to make do with what's available. It's not a complaint but it's how it is with people who have not got much expendable income. We all need to start praying for this death rate to go down and flatten out. People are out and about regardless of the precautions. The riots and demonstrations have been definitely something that's risen up out of the injustices done on the Black minority. But that's gotten people out without minding their health. It's like a vicious cycle. The country is in some sort of vortex of unease, trouble, and the minds of those who are in charge are getting inundated with the difficulties they face. I myself have been so filled with sadness that sometimes I end up wishing to leave this world and find another one that's less stressful (to say the least). However, we all have to soldier on, as the old quotation says. We have to deal with what we face. Sometimes we need to go out of social media and get into some other thing. If your world as it stands now is somewhat calm and unhurried, and with not a lot of bother about things even with no money available until some time when money gets into our coffers, we have to focus on something that makes us feel more like things are under our own control. We have to leave everything to God. Whatever is happening out there is His thing to work on. Our job is to keep ourselves fit, without overdoing it, and fed well enough to be able to keep our strength. No need to overdo the food thing as we're all sitting around and trying not to go out. We have to take our vitamins, get some chores done, mind the pets, the kids, and do whatever it is to fortify ourselves. Fortify our minds so we don't get into some sort of downward mood and cause friction with our significant others. (I saw the other day that a popular celebrity is divorcing her husband because she spent the pandemic period in quarantine with the man. It's kind of silly to think that a pandemic could be a cause to divorce one's spouse!) So for us we just have to do what we can each day and if we feel like we should have done more, then tell ourselves there's tomorrow to do it. There's no need to hurry up with everything like we used to when we had a job to go to. Those who are lucky to have remote jobs already know how to deal with their daily schedules. I hope everyone has a good day! |
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