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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| I'm not doing well. My stepfather has turned into satan. He is harming me without even laying a hand on me. He makes me ill just by his thoughts. He sends his thoughts to me and I feel sick, awful, and I can't make it go away. Praying helps. But he is evil and he has a number of other bad spirits who go with him. Those who are his ilk. I think it is time for me to leave him. But I'm broke, i have no money and can't get another place. My FICO score is low. The evil one has made my life so sad and ruined it and I've had to resort to asking for money on GoFundMe. I am hoping that somehow things will get better. I can't live with this and under these conditions. My stepfather is in league with the Queen of England. She is the origin of the bad events in my life. She is so evil and delights when I'm sad and unhappy. A sadistic bastard, that she is. So is my stepfather. And anyone who goes with him and his sense of 'humour'. He's no longer funny. He's just a lump of shit now. I hope he will leave me instead of me leaving. It would be better. The Queen has given him a lot of money to make sure I'm always sad. Now is his chance to leave and spend all that money. I will be better off if he left. I don't have any immediate means of getting help but it will come sometime. I want him to leave and never return. He has his own way to go now. I refuse to along with him and any plans he has. |
| I've a theory that there's something in the atmospher of the USA which depresses me. So, I have been thinking of moving out of the USA. One place I've considered is Greece. Here's what I've found out about moving to Greece: Greece is currently experiencing the worst financial and sovereign debt crisis in 21st-century Europe. The government is encouraging expats to buy property in Greece and to invest in the tourism industry. Every foreigner needs to get a residence permit. However, EU citizens do not need a visa to enter the country and stay for less than three months. Third-country nationals, i.e. non-EU citizens, who buy property in Greece valued at 250,000 EUR or higher will be granted a five-year residence permit to move to Greece and may also bring their families with them. Citizens of all other countries must apply for a three-month entry visa at a Greek consulate prior to moving to Greece for employment purposes. This is a “D” type one-entry visa issued for either dependent employment or freelance work. The following documents are necessary when you apply for a “D” type visa: application form completed either in English or Greek passport (valid for at least three months after expiration of visa) one biometric passport photo medical certificate filled out by a licensed doctor proof of medical insurance valid in Greece excerpt from the penal register issued by your country of origin or current residence The third-country national must be present in person at the Greek consulate or embassy when submitting their application, and they may also be invited for an interview. Biometric data will be taken from the applicant during their visit. All documents must be in English or Greek. is the visa is valid for three months from the date of entry. |
| I'm going through a difficult problem. I think that my stepfather plans on abandoning me. He's a deadbeat. He has no real history of having jobs through all his life here in this country. He worked for a few bad people who gave him money. He has lied about having social security. He's told me he has not more than 14 dollars in his bank and we have some time before he gets his next 'check' from social security. But something tells me that he's not really going to get any support from anyone now. He got fired from his most recent employer, Queen Elizabeth II. We don't have any money coming in to pay for next month's mortgage. I have no job. My writing has no income. I am on GoFundMe. Nobody's contributed. I am looking for jobs but I am not getting anything from these applications. People are not interested in a person who's my age. Even if I have experience. So I am hoping that my going back to LuLaRoe will help. I have no other ideas. Not happy but I pray that God will help and Jesus will help. I hope this scenario I've written isn't really true. That this deadbeat stepfather has social security anyway. Feeling bad and depressed. We've got a few things in the fridge to eat. Nothing really that I can make for a good satisfying meal. I don't know how to go through this thought that this stepfather has been so evil and so irresponsible. I do not know why this is what I have to go through but I think that Queen has a lot to do with it. She's now witnessing my sad thoughts and my blog post. I cannot ask anyone except Heaven to help but some people in Heaven hate me. I'm being told that if I just allowed myself to get to become a bastard that I'll be ok and there'll be money coming in. I refuse to sell my soul and body to just get three square meals a day. If God wanted me to starve to death, I suppose I will. But I will keep hoping that this is a phase and I will get over this obstacle as I've done with the others in my life. ; |
| There isn't any food left in the fridge. A part of a frozen fried chicken box, some frozen hamburger patties, eggs, a few slices of bacon,some sausages, bread, some almond milk, butter, and that's all. My stepfather tells me that he only has $14 in his bank account because I've spent some money with his card on Amazon on food that's microwavable. And a few other items that I needed and also for my boyfriend, Colin. I asked my stepfather if he was going to the grocery today. He said he only had $14 left in the bank so he didn't think he'd get anything with it. He said his pension from Social Security will not get to his bank until the 3rd of the month (August). So we're going to be subsisting on the available food here. I also see some tinned meat, corned beef, vienna sausage, sardines in the cupboard. I know there's still rice so I can make some of my favorite curry rice. We have dog and cat food. I've joined LuLaRoe again. I think that this might be a better way to spend some of the time I have since I've not been writing much. I fear that writing has made me feel a great deal of ups and downs. Writing is fun when it happens but afterwards I get so sad and depressed and I think that the bastards hate that I've written something with my Muse. They can't stand that I have a Muse. I think every writer has a Muse. Now that I'm in with LuLaRoe, I could spend time with promoting the clothes. It'll be more like a real business. I'll be engaged with the people who will be training me along the way. I wasn't quite sure that before I could participate for I had fears and I didn't think that I could be part of it. I know that people have some goal in mind when they sell. I should have probably stayed on longer but people who were in my group were not that helpful. I had problems with the website they gave me. It was a difficult onboarding time but now I think I'll be ok and there will be people who will want to shop with me. I love the shopping thing but only when I have time. I hate shopping and dawdling through lots of racks of clothes and not finding anything and then if I did and tried it on it wouldn't fit right. I would spend lots of time going in and out of the little closets they have for shoppers to try clothes on and then I'd have to put all my real clothes on and find another size out in the floor. I would get armloads of clothes that wouldn't fit me and put them back on the racks by the fitting room area. I think some places are also bogus. I bought a pair of Lee jeans at Kohls that fit me. Then I decided to see if Macy's had the same thing and they did but it did NOT fit me. So I hate Macy's now. I would go to Kohls to shop if I had money. I think they have a nice selection of styles, and workout clothes too (yoga and running and just hanging out clothes). Macy's well, it's terrible and very expensive to shop there. There are some designers that fit ok. I think it's too stressful anyway to do this. I don't have time to shop for clothes in the mall. I've not been to the mall here for ages. I think I've lost track of who sold what there. They used to have a Gap and they closed it. They used to have Eddie Bauer and they closed it. They used to Abercrombie and Fitch (which by the way are racist) and they too closed it. JC Penney still stands, and then the Kohls. Sears used to be big and we went there to get a new tire when we needed. Now it's closed too. I like some of their food court places but now I'm unable to go there as there's no real money to spend on restaurants. It's a very frugal life we have. I'm trying to do what I can. I make pancakes at every hour of the day and night and eat them. Now our syrup is running low so I guess pancakes are out for a while. I have to eat what is left. I'm going to have to pray a lot of prayers to Jesus and ask Him to make a miracle because I can't think of how I can survive. My stepfather is not good. I think he's hiding money somewhere. I think he's planning to abandon me. I think he will and spend money that he's gotten illegally and then retire somewhere where the weather is warmer. Then i'm going to be all by myself and think of how to pay the mortgage and utility bills and find a car that's used that I can drive to get groceries. I hope that this is not all true that this stepfather is not that hateful and meanspirited. The man is 91 years old. I think he's getting more selfish in his old age. He thinks I'm a deadbeat writer who can't make money off of my books. I think he thinks anything I try to get into will fail. He's so depressing. Well, I'm sorry this is a depressing blog post. I can't do much now. I need to get carbs so my brain cells are better and happier and maybe I'll get some sort of grace from the food and I'll be able to keep on with life. |
| I'm getting made sad even now. I have my suspicion that my stepfather is the origin of my hurts and pains. |
| Loner or being Solitary I seem to be more of a loner. I haven’t made many friends. I value friends but there have been too many times when I had to leave these friends behind. They either left or I left. I grew up having few friends. But my childhood years have been erased from my memory and replaced with new memories that had a different culture. I had this memory of playing with my dolls around me on the bed and I was conducting a pretend class or having tea with these dolls. I went to this programmed scenario of a series of scenes of being in a school and so I am rather doubtful about my first few years of life. In high school I would go to the library after classes and sit with a group of classmates. They all were fun to be with but we did our homework and kept our mouths shut. Once in a while we’d erupt into laughter and the librarian would come to tell us to be quiet. I did have a best friend who was a refugee from Cuba. She and I would attend Filipino parties where my stepparents enjoyed with their circle of friends. I never had a boyfriend in high school. I didn’t spend sleep overs with classmates. I got the idea that wasn’t something that my stepparents wanted. I didn’t care. I spoke on the phone with my best friend often. I lost track of my best friend in my graduate school. I had other friends who were my coworkers and they would be more of my stepmother’s age. They’d hold parties and other celebrations. They had children I got to know and yet we never really spent too much time together. There was a person who I went to high school with and she and I never did much but I remember times that she would take me to her rich home. I haven’t seen her in years. At one point we were facebook friends. She tried to encourage me to attend the high school reunion but it was too much to think of. I don’t know who are still around and I am not too eager to go and see these people again. I have learned to enter a restaurant and sit alone and eat my lunch without feeling somewhat unhappy. I don’t mind eating alone, really. Sometimes I look at my cell phone and see what’s what. Or bring a book to read. I am happier going shopping on my own. It’s a bore to be with a person who keeps looking and looking through racks of clothes and never really wanting anything to buy. And it’s a bore to be with other women who I knew at Purdue who also went and did the same thing, looking at things on display. Shopping was taken out of my list of enjoyments after I went and became a patient at the Yale New Haven hospital. I couldn’t stand hanging about and I couldn’t appreciate looking at clothes on the rack. Trying them on was another awful experience. I decided some stores aren’t that good so I decided to stop shopping at the mall. If I ever went to the mall, I’d go to the bookstore and sit and have a coffee or pastry while doing my reading or working on my laptop. But that’s become a hazard. The bookstore in Lafayette is dangerous to me. Bad Elohim have parked themselves there and made me suffer and die. I never have gone back to that bookstore. |
| I've had a chance to use my new typewriter. I had to do two pages over again before i could get to a reasonable page where I was able to write what I wanted. I kept hitting the wrong key to use the ' and it came out as a %. I also found that the ribbon had become stuck and I was not able to type the words where they could be visible on the page.. I removed the top part of the typewriter and adjusted the ribbon. I wrote my husband a letter and told him how I liked the new typewriter. He lives in another city. Once I get my Muse ready to do some writing then i can get along with the novel I have in mind. However, this novel is set in Paris so I'm not quite as prepared to describe the surroundings of the main characters. However, I wouldn't mind it if I got a windfall and went to Paris to do research. It would be so awesome, wouldn't it to go to Paris and look at the different placecs a romantic couple would spend time in. I'm hoping this might happen, but I don't think it will. It's rather an expensive trip to make. I'm having visions of flying in some cool jet and then landing in the airport which name escapes me. Then taking the taxi to a good hotel, and I'll have to find a good one on Travelocity to see how much they cost a day. Then when I get to the hotel I'll go to their restaurant or perhaps walk about and find a nice little place to drink coffee and a pastry, or perhaps have several different dishes that only you can find in Paris. I'm told that French restaurants aren't very generous with their food and that is why the French are always thin. Is this true, anyone? Then I might still be quite hungry after a trip to get some food, haha. I'll go into their bread and bakery places and find a long French bread and then find some cheese to eat it with and a bottle of wine while I sit and contemplate the view of the bridges that go along the Seine. I'll be bringing along a laptop and perhaps the typewriter. it will be rather a heavy load. I might take a thick notebook and write a lot of things that I happen to see. I'll take along my new camera and blog about my trip to my followers on Facebook. That would be cool, wouldn't it? I might meet a handsome and lovely man who I might have met some years ago during another job that I had in another city in another world. He'll be so charming and tell me he could escort me all over the placec and tell me the little unknown facts about the city of Paris. He'll be so charming that I'll have to include him in another story that I've already got in my little incubator of novels. Haha. This are my fantasies about going to Paris to write about a novel that's set in Paris. If only I had a fairy god mother who would love to send me to Paris for a period of time or perhaps an indefinite period of time. I woudn't mind living in Paris. The problem is that they have such expensive apartment dwellings. The landlords apparently demand months of rent in order to allow one to live in their apartment houses. I wish I had that ability to pay for lots of time to live in Paris. It would be lovely. I think that sometimes a little flight of fancy helps me to escape the rather dull life I have. It's rather a dull life where things get a bit boring. I think that's why I write but even writing is a bit of a risk. I think that risk is what is keeping me from going on with my writing. I'm hoping that God will take away the cares I have about writing. |
| I've got a new typewriter. I think it looks nice. I haven't gotten it out of its case. I'm still thinking how to do anything with my manuscripts. The first chapters are in my computer. Do I print these pages out and then go on with the typerwriter version? If that happens will those who are ghosts who have been sent to go after my work find a way to spirit the manuscript out of my house and it will end up somewhere? If so then what will happen? I think someone from Heaven will find this manuscript and he will make it corrupt and it will be out of reach, it will never be legible and nobody or not anyone can read it unless they were meant to. |
| I'm noodling here. But I'm getting the impression that my stepfather is interested in me romantically. We didn't have much of a relationship when i was in high school. Once he said something to me that I hated and I told my stepmother that I hated him. She tried to pacify me. Later on I decided to think of him as just like any Dad in some other person's life. He was there but not always interested in what I did. Our family was friends with others who were immigrant families, Filipinos, who were fond of puttting together parties. When we'd attend, I'd be with my girl friends who danced with me (we didn't have boyfriends then) and sometimes my stepfather (who I did not know was my stepfather then) would invite me to a cha cha dance and I'd dance with him. Nothing much there really. He and my stepmother followed me to the east coast when i worked at yale. I had gotten into a car accident and I assumed they wanted to be closer to me when something like that might happen again. Thank God it never happened again. I had got sick and finally got away from yale and went to work in Sloan Kettering. I didn't have a lot of one on one with my stepdad. Just had dinner with them both, and sometimes when I'd go with friends to the Opera, he and my stepmother would come and pick me up and drive me home. Everything happened with my stepmother. When she passed away, I had the idea that he didn't know what to do with me. He retreated to himself and then he said he'd cook dinner. I wasn't that good at cooking at the time and only knew the usual stuff, spaghetti and lasagna et cetera. So we'd go to the Barnes and Noble sometimes during Sundays to have coffee a tradition that had started when my stepmother was alive. I was interested in reading and looking at magazines, stepmother liked to look at cookbooks, and stepfather would look at magazines like stuff with guns and so on. It was a normal trip. We'd also go for lunches after church, while stepmom was alive and after she passed away I continued to take stepdad for lunch. but that went away when I lost my savings and there wasn't any money left. Besides the restaurants had begun to pall and I didn't enjoy eating there. They were all too dull by the time I decided never to go to a restaurant again. I made my own meals at home. Stepdad was not happy when I decided to quit going to Mass. I would take him to church sometimes nd then go to the bookstore or library and pick him up on the way home. I was worried he'd be in an accident going home. After all he's 91. But I didn't keep doing that. He'd gone on his own and I was left in the house. Now he doesn't attend Mass anymore. He likes to pray the rosary. he said to me that the rosary was for me. He said he was unhappy that we had got into bad luck with our finances and other house breakdowns and he told me or implied that it was because I left the church and that I had to reconcile myself with the "blessed mother' who was the Virgin Mary. I'm not sure why people are gossiping about my stepdad and me. I do not want to give the impression that he's somehow having a bad relationship with me. i hate the idea. I'm going with Colin Firth. He's the only man I want to have in my life. |
| I finally told my stepfather that i was bored with eating eggrolls all day all day.He's now got a few things on the list to buy. I've had to go back to my old myfitnesspal account so I can keep track of my diet. I'm hoping to get fit and ready for the big move I'll be making. I' want to move to Paris someday. I hope to get some sort of income from a job when I live in Paris. It won't be working for someone in Paris as they want people who are good at French. I'm looking for a remote job where I can live anywhere in the world while doing it. If I am lucky I'll be able to find a remote job and then I'll be able to get to live in Paris. It is not an impulsive idea to live in Paris. I cannot live in the USA. There is a strange thing in the atmosphere here in this place I live in and I think it's everywhere in the USA. There might be something in the water, or some other atmospheric problem that nobody knows about. I know that they put up a structure called NOAA. This is supposed to deter nuclear attack from happening to the USA. They put up NOAA during the time when people were afraid of nuclear attack. I can't pinpoint the time when it was put up. I think that NOAA has an electron structure which somehow rains down electrons on the earth below it. These electrons land on structures and people creating a depressing effect. I'm one of those who's become a 'victim' of it. I've been sad a lot sometimes I have these ghosts who come to haunt me. I wonder if these ghosts are made up as holographic things to make me afraid of them. I'm not sure how these holographic images get to be with me occasionally. The effects of these images make me sad because when I see them I feel pains in my body. It's not a sci fi thing, it's what's happened to me. I can't connect it all but I do know that there's some sort of unseen campaign from somewhere to make me sad all the time, discouraging me to work on my writing. My novels are somewhat started but they're sitting uncontinued. I don't feel able to continue these. Memories come to haunt me from my past life, my lost love affair, my unhappy origins. These make me think of the sad lost life I have had. I don't like how I'm going on with this life. It's most probable that I'll end up letting that dark night overcome me and I'll be dead. I'll have to pass on and that is that. There will be rejoicing over this achievement that these people who control the holographic images, these transitory pains that I feel. It's not a good thing to write about but I have nobody to talk to about it. If I did that, they'd say I need to go and seek treatment. I find that seeing a doctor is another hurdle and I do not feel that I'll get good health care. I can't afford good healthcare. I have a meager income. The last time I saw someone who was a nurse practitioner at the clinic I used to go to, I had to pay them $230. That nurse practitioner gave me a bad drug to take. I reacted to it and I felt such a lot of pain from this medicine. That's why I can't trust anybody who's an MD or Nurse in this area. I'm not taking any meds anymore. I'll merely have to rely on God to take care of me. I hope to live another day. But it is making me wonder why am I still alive. It's making me think that there is a vision that God has for me and I hope that is true and I hope that this vision is something that will make me happy. I cannot work at all I can't feel able to do stuff in the office, I don't know how I'll be able to fulfill the duties of what God wants to go into, if that is what he wants me to do. I guess you might know that God wants me to go to England and become Queen. I don't want to be Queen. I think that it is going to be a lot of discipline and pomp and circumstance to become Queen. I'm not into that sort of thing. I don't wish to do what the Queen does and those who went before her. I hope that you can pray for me. I don't feel too happy. I'll just have to do what I can do here in the kitchen. I could go and try to rest when it gets too overwhelming, these bad thoughts, these holographic images and these sad memories that these bad thoughts want to put up in front of my mind. Memories are bad things if they cause you sadness. It's the work of the evil thoughts. They think that you're going on the right track so they make you remember something and it starts to grow in you mind and you get sidetracked. I wish to leave the past behind. I want to go forward. But I'm thwarted. I have no real goals to go after. I wish there were some but I'm finding it difficult to think of any. |
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