"diarrhea" - should be diarrhoea Very sad but also powerful story.
This is well written but feel there is so much more that could have been said. I wanted much more about the rehab centre, more about the main character (narrator) more about the family, more about the guy in rags.
Have a little look at some of the things I suggest here:
"Plus the feelings of ants crawling under your skin. " - this sentence doesn't sit right, it is in a sort of limbo disjointed. consider making it a part of the previous by adding a commar then joining the two sentences together.
"when we sat in pajamas at " - pyjamas
Overall there is a lot of potential to really develop this piece, I feel this can work as a highly inspirational piece but as now the ending is a little flat and needs a little fine tuning to really capture that moment when it hit the core of the narrator.
What is there is well written and draws the reader along. Again with a little fine tuning this piece will really shine.
This is a great an invaluable tool for new and old hand authors.
the information is set out easily to understand, gives a good variety of different perspectives from those who have the know how.
you have provided some great links here with invaluable information. For those serious about getting published this is a fantastic resource.
I would have liked to seen even more authors here giving an even broader spectrum of helpful hints tips and proven methods, but the information you do have is fantastic.
How very sad this piece. This one touched me with icy fingers.
It feels very m,uch like a scene from a film with Bruce Willis and that oh so cute little boy. Sixth Sense. I wonder if this was your basis for this piece or had you another inspiration?
Very sad and I felt the loneliness here. Maybe because I have always had the ability to see, sense and hear spirits, or, maybe because you tell the tale so well.
What a delightful story and quite the original in this new twist on the Santa Claus story.
Just when I thought all the Santa Claus stories had all been exhausted I find a brnad new look. Great to see some originality here.
I did find the story a little far fetched and this is mostly due to the fact that the whole story from strt to finish is a little too sugar coated to be true, the children so well behaved and well spoken, the snow even seemed perfect. This could be given a more natural and realistic feel if you delve more into the characters a little here (baring in mind this is part of a longer story you have in your port).
A clearer description of Nick again would help give us a better view here.
I felt as if the piece were a little rushed where much more could have been given.
I have noted some points here that you might like to take a look at:
"“Now, who’s a slowpoke?”, laughed Joshua." - comma not needed after the quotation marks
"deepened his smile and took away some of the gray from his sad face. " - grey
Overall this is a charming tale, I do however feel it could do with just a little more work to get that beleivability and polished look.
If you decided to have another look at the piece I would be more than happy to take another look once finished.
Emotional poem, it did make me wonder however what the actual news you heared was, we do not get any inclination here.
I have noted some typos I have found within the piece for you to have a look at:
I as in oneself should be in capitals, you use lowercase i throughout. Is this deliberate or mearely an oversight?
"soo hard" - is there a reason for the extra o on the end of the word so? You use this throughout your poem.
You may like to have a look at punctuation, adding the full stops and pauses to the piece will add drama and give an altogether more polished feel. I find the best method is to read the piece aloud to hear the natural pauses and stops.
"when blank" - I think you mean 'went' here
"All i could here " - did you mean 'hear' here?
"me ears misunderstood " - my
"I tryd to stay strong for you" - tried
" im caught " - I'm
"crule reality " - cruel
The essence of the poem/lyrics here is very strong and quite powerful, however it would have been nice to have either a note before or after the poem as to the background of the poem or a verse within the poem itself explaining what the news was and why it affected you so.
Great rhythm, rings very much like lyrics.
I would like to welcome you to writing.com and if you need any help navigating around the site then don't hesitate to give me a yell.
This is a grizzly poem indeed, I certainly wouldn't like to have this as a nightmare, yikes!
Very gory poem, your descriptions are very vivid.
I have noted a few typos you might like to have a look at here :
"slowly he twists the hair into a sheath.
He feeds upon their souls," - you have a double line space here where your other verses have only one line space, you may like to change this to a more uniform one line space for better presentation.
"their up body's" - I think you meant their body's up here.
"much to hard to see as white," - I didn't really get what you were trying to say here, I think it might be a typo but not quite sure here, maybe you would like to revise this line?
Again I am glad I am not on the receiving end of these night visions, I would be quaking in my socks, and I certainly wouldn't want to sleep. Very gruseome.
I would like to welcome you to writing.com and wish you all the best in your writing. Welcome to the community.
I am always looking at ways in which I can appreciate and tell others how great writing.com is, and found it incredible that anyone can try and devalue the uniqueness of the site and all it has to offer in an obviously unthoughout essay as you presented before us.
Your reply that essay had me clapping and applauding and indeed feeling again very proud that I am a member of this amazing site and that I call the community a home.
All I can say is thank you for giving us such a fantastic opportunity to be part of such an exciting and worthwhile community.
I found myself deep rooted within the story, this is written in a fantastical and almost incredible way. Delightful for both adult and child alike.
Here are some things I have noted for you as I have read.
"early and late, and Night, Midnight, and Morning and Evening, and Afternoon, Sunset and Sunrise," this sentence reads rather stiffly and awkwardly, it is a little hap-hazard, maybe you could try re=-working this sentence, take out some of the "and" that you have here that make this sentence run on and cumbersome.
"they weren’t totally unlike humans. They walked on two legs, most of the time" - I found this a very odd sentence, arn't Unicorns rather horselike and having four hooved feet. How then does a Unicorn wear clothes and stand upon two feet, it seems a little out of barings within the landscape and scenery you paint for us here.
"The VentenuRath was the thunderous main one" - this doesn't quite read right for me. I suggest changing it around just a little for a smoother read, i.e The main river was the thunderous VentenuRath...
I simply loved the description of Wind-Chaser and her fine robes, beautifully done, what a great visual description.
"Of course, nothing like that had ever happened in living memory, and no one believed it ever would." - You say here - nothing like that - but we do not have any reference as to what they would run from, perhaps here you could give an example of what emergency there could be to warrant an escape to the caves.
"sending round, rippling rings radiating out across the lake" - what a beautiful image this conjures, perfect.
" he’s just helped Wind-Chaser through" - as you are talking in past tense throughout, this needs to be he'd, and again "bring it home" - take it.
"of coarse" - I think you mean 'course' here.
There are a few instances of the same spelling error, but very easy to correct.
What a beautiful vision, very vivid, and full of colour. I was able to fully visualise the scene.
I have to admit that I ran out of time whilst reading and have had to end the read short. I will though promiose to come back and read the remainder as soon as I can.
So far I am enthralled and I look forward to my return either tomorrow or definately before the weekend.
No greater power is there than what is said in three simple little words. I love you. This poem sure shows the power of those words.
I felt as though you were almost overcome by the emotion, you let the words flow from you excitedly.
There are some grammar and spelling issues you might like to look at-
"wonder" - wondered, as you are talking in the past tense here.
"may" - this is also in the present tense when you are talking of an event that happened in the past.
"compares" - no need to pluralise here, compare.
"ells." - else
"If I look in to the heart, and compares it with some one ells.
Immediately make me think of the one that I love" - you jump here from single line spacing to double, is there a specific reason? I suggest keeping this line spacing to a uniform for better presentation.
"Immediately make me think of the one that I love
that’s you ," - I suggest a commar after love.
"you ,and together " - space needed between the commar and "and" here.
"want it " - this is unclear here "it" suggests you wanted something to say for example a note or a card or something of that kind, from the beginning I understood it was you yourself that wanted to speak these words to your love, if so then I suggest changing this to "wanted".
I love the emotion here, the love shines through.
Write on!
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This is great, selfless and a gift anyone who recieves it will treasure.
Fun, original and a real treat for members recieving "all you've got". As soon as I am able I will certainly be giving my all. If I can bring a smile to someone through a selfless act such as this, then it is my duty and joy to do so.
I have never quite gotten into this styleof poetry, it looks like a story but reads not fully poetic but not a story either.
I guess I am not making much sense here, but for me a big part of poetry is the presentation, and I have alwasy felt that this style does not present very well.
The content of the poem itself read a little confusing to me, an odd mixture of terrible events which leads to the concluding line, I felt a great sense of loss emotionally here as well as pain and confusion. Almost distraught and yet I felt as though the poem didn't come accross as very open emotionally, almost closed off. As if big barriers have been built here giving a detached feeling.
I would have liked to have seen more feeling here, this would have given a deeper feel to the poem and a less detached sense.
There is also some language here that is not E rated adn would therefore advise a change on content rating to 13+ so that our younger readers can read only items that are suitable for them.
I love the description of the piece, this invites people to read.
I welcome you to Writing.com and hope to see much more of your work in the future.
This poem seems to have a lot of conflicting images, comfort through confusion, knowing yet unknowing. I was never quite sure which way the poem would turn out.
I am glad it did end optimistically and oddly comforting.
Have a look at some of the suggestions I have here -
"I felt to of hardly known you" - this line doesn't quite read right, I wonder if there is something here that could be changed slightly to flow better?
The conflicting imagery here confused me throughout the poem, I was never sure if the person you talk about here was a friend or a foe. I wonder if this was indeed your intention here, to create that slight unease and almost leaving the reader wanting the reassuring end?
The lack of punctuation here also causes confusion, there are a lot of run-ons here that caught my attention and made for difficult reading. I suggest reading the poem aloud and finding the natural pauses and stops where punctuation should be.
I also suggest for easier reading, that line spaces be kept at one line space instead of two, this would give a more polished look in the presentation of the poem.
Great ending. I love that optimism and ray of hope there.
Light hearted and witty. You capture the scene well here, your conversational style and easy going manner here makes the pieces flow wonderfully, the reader can visualise perfectly.
Great descriptions here keep the piece alive for the reader.
If I were to grumble about anything it would only be that I wanted more.
You write with an easy style and manner, almost as if we were in the same room and you were telling me your story in conversation. This helps the reader really get what yoou are feeling and can relate to some of what you say.
However I have a few suggestions for you, have a look through at some of the grammar and spelling typos that are throughout the piece, for example -
"im haveing" - having
"writeing " - writing
To name a few.
I also suggest you use paragraphs here, make on epoint then move on to the next in seperate paragraphs, structure your sentences within those paragraphs to illustrate the point you are making. Whenever you make a new point or want to deviate from the point you were making create a new paragraph.
I also suggest you use double line space between paragraphs so that it looks better in presentation and makes for easier reading.
You certainly have a tale to tell and I hope you manage to tell it all. I also wish you the best of luck in winning back your love.
I am not fully sure I understnad this poem, I wonder if my reading is a little off on this one? From it I got a feeling that it was a woman (maybe even a love) that you talk of here, and that under all her angelic outer layer, (the appearance she gives to others) underneath there is much more, a much more devious undercurrent, am I right on this one? If I am completely off I do appologise.
You have some great imagery here, I love the flow of the piece, it has great moevement and a fluidity here.
Havew a look at -
"of her skin" - off
"Iced walls bitter cross the core" - do you mean accross? or cross as in what Jesus was nailed to? this line doesnt quite sit right somehow.
Write on and welcome to writing.com the writing community that really cares about you and your work.
First of all you must give this item a content rating, the intro should be rated E and the content 18+ as you use profanity here that i snot suitable for a younger audience.
Poem 1. "I wonder"
sorrowful tone here, almost full of self pity, I felt hopeless here.
I wonder if you might have a look again at your rhyme scheme, there does not seem to be a set pattern, you use bd rhyme scheme in some verses then completely change to other sets of rhyming pattern throughout, there is no consistency which I feel would have given a more polished feel to the poem.
Have a little look at the suggestions I make here -
"be deep " - but deep
"I don not boast " - do not
"left to gay" - what exactly do you mean here?
Poem 2 "Untitled"
This one I must admit I preferred over the preceeding one.
This one seems to be for another person and doesnt sound so self pitying.
I feel a deeper passion here than in the other, it is a hotbed of emotion that explodes through your seeing someones pain, and yet this is underdone for the most part which makes it fresh and interesting. Almost as if you do not wish to admit the pain this person is in.
Again I must ask you to give the content rating an 18+ as it is not suitable for younger readers.
I am wondering if this is truly a simple poem about a sparrow landing on your sill or has this a much deeper meaning.
As I read and re-read I began to wonder if this poem is about lost love? The image of the sparrow coming near, flying off then then returning only to fly off into the big blue world. Could this be a love that is lost to you and now you regret sending this love on its way?
Great poem either way. I have only one suggestion and that is the repetition of the word window in the fist verse, could maybe window be left from the second line and sill stand alone?
You made a great entry into writing.com I welcome you to our community.
I found a connection with your poem here, the sense of freedom and finally disconecting the chains that once tied oddly familiar here.
Have a little lok at the poem again and myabe read aloud in order to see the puases and stops needed for the punctuation that is lacking here. This will polish the poem nicely.
Great poem, very liberating.
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I love the rhythm this piece creates, I felt myself tapping along to its own beat. However have a little look back at the rhyme scheme in some areas as it becomes a little weak and strained. Also the beats per line are off to the ear in some lines. Try and read the poem aloud and tap along to the beat it makes, you will soon see where it is offkey.
Confusingly brilliant.
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I felt the emotions here take me on a journey of vivid descriptions and feelings.
Remember to capitalise I as in yourself.
I suggest taking a look at the structure of this piece, I felt as though this should have been broken into clear sentences, it feels jammed, and doesnt run as smoothly here. This will also help presentation and will not look so intimidating to read.
You have some wonderful touches here I especially liked "the only thing beautiful left is the way my mascara stains my cheeks, a roadmap to the Garden of Eden." - Wow what a great image, this is original and fresh. Love it!
This sounds like a great venture. This would certainly be something new on w.com, I have not seen a guide to pet care on the site, (if there is I apologise to the author of that piece).
I would have liked to have seen an outline of why you aould like to write about this topic, a little paragraph or so about your experiences and any qualifications you have, in other words a little blub about you the author and why yoou want to write about the care of cats.
Seems like a pretty comprehensive list of topics to cover and I am sure this will be great. As the proud Mammy to two beautiful kittens "Magic" and "Splodge" the topics you cover would certainly be very useful to me, and am looking forward to viewing your finished article.
I did notice one minor typo that you might like to look at -
"Handing Cats" - handling
Sounds like a lot of fun too! Good luck with the research and write!
Beautifully written, I feel a great tenderness here mingled with perhaps a little anger and pain.
I would like to suggest you punctuate your poem. Read it aloud, where you pause and stop there your commars and full stops etc should reside. This will give a much more polished feel to the poem.
Autumn is certainly my favourite season, the colours are majestic. Yet here your message is much deeper, you talk here of nature being unconcealing, revealing its majesty and beauty to all to see and all to be inspired by. Unlike nature we hide ourselves, let only the shell be seen to strangers and perhaps only showing our true selves to those very close to us, and yet holding something back all the while.
Touching and thought provoking poem. I would however, have liked to have seen this expanded upon, I feel as if much more could be said.
Some very beautiful touches here, I especially liked -
"turn antique colors." - beautiful
I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to the writing.com community and encourage you to write on!
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