This is a facinating piece for anyone with a pet and who wishes to take him/her abroad.
You have an easy manner and style which makes for easy reading. This gives a personal touch and helps the reader feel more at ease and more relaxed.
Relaying your own personal experiences here help the reader again feel at ease knwing that someone has already done all of this before hand and so know what they are talking about.
Very informative and nicely written. Some handy hints for pet owners here.
Wow this poem really spoke to me. I felt as if it could be written for me, I have felt this.
Reminds me of driving away from my home when I left a few years ago. My love for the Welsh valleys brought me back home again mind. My heart just wasn't in the other place.
Here I felt the same. Although the heart here could be love for a person, a thing or even like me a place, home. I felt that same tug, the same longing feel I felt driving away all that time ago.
I have no suggestions for improvement, wonderfully written. I felt a connection here.
Enchanting. I feel you are really developing the story here.
I am not quite sure about the jumping back and forth in time however. I would either try and stick to one time frame (excluding the beginning where we see Marie reminscing, I would leave the jumping back and fore out and return to the present day again at the end of the story to tie it all back. Or make an obvious shift in pattern having some of the sotry set in the past and some in the present with well defined chapters or word the paragraphs clearly to indicate a flashback, this can be done with clever wording other than "51 years earlier" for example, - Marie looked into the mirror gazing at her own reflection as she brushed her graying hair. She paused as her eyes grew glassy, her mihnd wandered back again to her school days... maybe tie in an act she does in the present with a n event in the past for example she could be putting on her gloves to go out somewhere when she remembers the kiss on her gloved hand back when she was 14.
Have a look here at the typos I have noted-
"Deeply withing" - within - however I would have worded this different to maybe Marie deeply hoped that ....
"could to the garden on the weekend " go to
"getting seeing by Carah or anyone else" - seen by
"something ackward yet nice feeling that she hadn't felt before." - awkward I would have put this sentence as something awkward, and yet the strange new feeling that washed over her felt good.
" whole hidden amongst the white roses. If it hadn't been for that whole" - whole here should be hole.
"He couldn't believe it that he was finally " - may I suggest here - He could not beleive that he would finally meet the girl he had spoken to for two months from a hole in the separating fence.
"gloved had to" - hand
"was the true gentleman" a true...
" for ther parents" - her
Again polish the chapter and consider the suggestions I have made to enhance the story further.
This is the beginning of what could be a fantastic and beautiful story.
I foresee a wonderful romance and a forbidden love story unfolding before me.
You have a lot of typos here which I have listed below -
"seen such huge house" - such a huge house#
"Then she looked up ahead and saw the school up ahead. It looked like a huge palace." - you repeat ahead here and also use huge in the same sentence. Could you perhaps change this?
"came to a huge Mahogany " - again you use the word huge here.
"inside led them to the office and inside she " - repetition of the word inside
"please that your daughter " - pleased
" half the tuitelage " - tuition
"she had ben in 5 years before" - been
"She had never in her life come to despise and adult." an adult
""Marie you impunent girl! " - did you mean impudent or impertinent here and again a few lines down you use the same word.
"When Marie was almost done mopping the hallway Carah and her friend Alexandra threw ashes from the library fireplace onto the hallway and laughed and then they went up to their chamber suites too.
When Marie finally got into bed that night her arms were sore. Much too sore to do any homework. A week later, she was down sweeping and mopping all hallways on all five floors." - You repeat mop and mopping here several times.
"so they could get of the school grounds for a few hours." - off
""For goodness girl, " - goodness sake
" would be take from her privilidged trips " - taken
"some boy on at the fence." - no need for on here
"not from William " - note
Take another look through and make the necessary edits to polish this piece up.
So far it looks as if this will turn into an exciting piece.
The dreary tone of the poem only adds to the sad flavour of your theme. Had me wondering if life is this unappealing.
Have another look at your last verse here
"Why does this seem so empty?
Why does this seem so land?
Why do i think this is,
A sad land? " - you repeat land in lines 2 and 4 did you mean bland in the second line and also the line tempo is a little out.
Overall a nicely written poem, good flow and structure even with its bleak tone.
Welcome to writing.com and hope to see much more of your work soon.
This piece says so much. So many questions needing answers.
This piece reminds me how scary it is entering a new relationship, learning about each other, wondering about every little detail of the other person, falling for them even more every time something new is learned, knowing the bad habits as well as the good. This piece conveys this very well.
I wonder if this could be broken down into smaller paragraphs, each new paragraph expressing a new point.
Have a look at -
"to present" - too
I love the expectancy here, the almost fearing tone you present us with. Sums up exactly the feelings on entering a new relationship and learning to trust a new person.
Write on!
- note - I know I have already e-mailed you appologising for my misunderstanding regarding the content rating of of your other piece entitled "Seclusion" but I would like to publically known that the review of that item held a mistake as to the content rating of the item and that I appologise. It has now been brought to my attention and will endeavour to learn more about content rating and it's complexities so that I may become a better reviewer and indeed rate my own items accordingly. -
First off you must change the rating on this piece. You have said here the content rating is E but in accordance to w.com rules on content rating (see bitem:197141} and
for complete guidelines)this item should be rated 13+ because of the nudity in the content - "Naked. All insecurities bare to the world." and the general message throughout.
This is a solemn piece. The overall tone is despairing.
With regards to the items length, I would have certainly liked much more. It feels incomplete as if so much more could be said. There is no indication of what leads up to this moment, why does she feel so alone, so trapped so desolate?
You have some nice touches here, this would work well as a poem with a few edits.
There are some wonderful touches here. The mood and tone of the piece make for a lamenting read.
I was a little confused by the second half of the piece. You seem to mix your themes, maybe you are trying too hard here I would have preferred to have the one theme running through, either war or the abuse we end with.
Have a look at the typos I noticed here -
"Agun goes off" - A gun - need a space here
"mised with" - did you mean mixed here?
Strong and powerful words but a little over complicated perhaps, keep to the one theme per song and hone in on those special touches you create in the mood and flavour here.
I would reccomend you take another look at this piece. I would firstly not categorise this as poetry but rather a monologue.
Have a look at the repetitions here, you have three complete paragraphs or more stating that you cannot remember, although this adds to the longing tone I find here, the repetition does nothing else to add flavour to the piece. Are there any other points you would have liked to have said instead of just the searching and the lack of memory for this person. Maybe describe this person, more of what he means to you, what has driven you to this untimely end.
Take another look too at the ending of this piece, such a waste of life but for what? What is the reason for ending this way? What spurred this act? I don't get a clear picture of this here.
You have however some nice touches, the sombre tone melds nicely to the theme. The sense of longing here is strong.
I would love to come back to see this edited when I will be more than willing to take another look at it.
Remember this is an opinion of one, and that I write only to help youo better your work.
This sounds like such a warm and comfy place, really homely and Grandma sounds like just the woman we all aspire to be.
I like the use of the Acrostic here, it works well with your theme and you have managed to ensure that the flow is easy, smooth.
Some really nice touches here, I found myself daydreaming of my own grandmothers house. How I loved to be there as a child. Comforting thoughts.
The desctiption of the house is wonderful, detailed but not overbearing, the one line that seems odd here however is -
"She is the type of woman I want to become." - in your other lines you only describe the home, this line then sticks out a little. Maybe you could either add more about grandmas personlity in the poem or change the line to read more about the home, my judgement would err towards the latter. Maybe a seperate poem could be made specifically for Grandma as a person.
There a few stories around the site and off site that I have often thought would make an excellent film or could be turned in a dram series, giving the chance to become one on a panel of reviewers and giving input as to a story's suitablility for film sounds like a great opportunity to not only read fantastic works but be a part of the making of something that could be potentially big.
I would have however liked to have received more details ont he types of stories we are talking of here before making my way to the web site. Whilst this offers an appetiser to what is install, having more information on what could be expected would have given an exrta boost.
As an example what genre stories are we talking about, will they be suitable for the younger reviewers as the content rating of this piece suggests, or would these stories only apply to age 13+ or even 18+, this is an important point to consider as you may be sending a minor to a web site intended for a more adult audience.
Overall this has wet my whistle and will certainly take a peek at the website offered.
It is hard define Love, many have tried and succeeded in fullfilling the passion and emotional rollercoaster love brings others fall that little short.
Here I feel the fiery tempest that defines love but feel you are holding back. Let yourself go and completely consumed by the emotion.
Have a look at your rhyme scheme in parts, it is a little weak in these areas -
verse 2 between coals and soul - perhaps the third line could change to Filling to the brim our souls
Verse 3 and 4 - the scheme with last line verse 1 and last line verse 2 rhyming seems non existent in verses 3 and 4.
verse 4 with the above mentioned scheme abandoned here you opt for lines 1 and 2 and lines 3 and 4 rhyming. It is better to be consistent in your pattern here.
Some very nice touches here. Lovely imagery I especially like -
"Love will wash your worries away"
Folders are an excellent way to keep peices together especially those wriiten in a specific form, for a specific group or ongoing contest or simply to keep a collection together.
Here again I find some magical peices of work which facinate and thrill. Your ability to write something for everyones taste always ensures a great read!
I would have liked to have seen many more stories here, and can only hope that on my next visit I find the folder bursting full of goodies for me to read.
I love reading about spiritual experiences and other religions to my own, here encrusted with a touch of humour and with that personal stamp of yours your stories come alive before me.
I guess we can all relate to the first half of this story. We all get tied up in things that ensures that we don't end up getting to church, our lives have become to busy, we are in so much rush to see and do everything that our religion and faith have takena back seat. I must admit that I have fallen victim to this, although I am a Christian and I pray every night, I don't seem to make to church as often as I would like.
This story touched me greatly, it rekindled in me some words that my uncle (who happens to be a priest and he who married my husband and I In God's presence) spoke to us before we were married about not beleiving what he told us but asking God and God will show us the way, will answer our prayers and lift us high. I get that feeling here.
I love the simplistic approach you apply here, this is not overly done, does not read like a prewach or sermon, but tells it simply how it is and the feelings that surfaced from the event.
Have a look at the following I have noted for you -
I was horrified by this tale of violence, I was only glad that this was a short story, I felt every brutal strike to poor Carla's stomach.
Having been through domestic violence I found this one a hard one to swollow, it brought back a lot of painful memories. I saw so much of myself in this story.
You write this well, keeping from getting over involved int he emotional entanglement of the relationship, keeping a safe distance and describing the scene as if through a window looking in. I thought to myself whilst reading it this is what it mush have looked like if anyone had looked into my windows back then.
The final image of the toomstone here is such a striking one, I felt haunted. Chilled. It musters so many questions, and the way in which you leave the story here also leaves the reader wondering what exactly happens, almost willing Carla to do something about the situation and her bully husband.
Well written. You handled this situation as always with passion, respect, keeping it real at all times. It is this realism that makes this story such a hard bite to swollow.
This is a tale full of passion, I am so glad that Marie was reunited with her love.
I am a little confused however. In the first half of the story it seems that Marie was sneaking to see Jon and that is who she was kissing on the well wall. When the war ends and her love returns I get the impression it is Thomas that she marries. Having read this peice through several times I still get confused at this.
You write with a sincerity and sensitivity that I have come to respect in your work. Again I am in awe of your characterisation. The flow is wonderful, and your ability to control your work always amazes me.
If you have not lived through a wartime then I imagine writing about the period is very hard, it takes a lot od research and dedication to write about something you have not witnessed first hand. You pull this off however with excellent results.
This one gave me a warm fuzzy glow, what a wonderful message.
I guess we all dream of riches, jewels and big houses, posh cars, beautiful dresses and a carefree wealthy life, but we almost forget that the little things around us are those that are most valuable to us. This story explodes with this message.
I would however have loved to have seen what was in the chest. Being the nosey parker that I am I felt a little let down that we hadn't been privy to what was inside. Maybe that is something for another story.
What a wonderful message, you show the stresses and the strains of a normal hectic family with children and yet through all of that this unit seems so complete, so full of life and energy and most of all love!
Beautifully written, I simply loved this fairy tale style tale.
Having read the first part
Fettuccine (E) In the kingdom of Noodle, everybody said "noodle," and nobody said anything else. #703598 by Treerose
I have found this a thrilling tale. This melds beautifully to the first part as well as standing proudly on its own.
I often wonder if there is any intelligent conversation where I live but at least we do say more than Noodle or Fettuccine here, imagine a whole conversation using one word, it would drive me around the bend hehe.
I wonder what the nextr installment of the tale will be, it would be very interesting indeed to find out after all there is a whole big wide world out there, there must be others around that the wedded couple can have an intelligent conversation with!
What an enchanting tale. Full of humour and very cleverly written.
I found all the aspects of a fairy tale here and more. I loved the character Fettuccine and the townsfolk, sounds like a wonderful but very strange place.
Very funny piece. I laughed and giggled all the way through!
Write on!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cerianwen/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 6:18am on May 17, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
