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495 Public Reviews Given
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101
101
Review of Captured Images  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. This started out sort of slow at first, but it did gradually pick up into a delightful story, with an unexpected turn in the end. *Smile*

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme was good, kind of a romance story, that twists into a non forseen plot.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes The characters seemed to play well, along with the story line. The scenes played out in a good order and showed a picture of what was happening.

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme- Does not apply here.

Suggestions None that I can think of at this time.

*Idea*: Just a thought.... but why not add a little something in there that gives the reader just a small hint of suspicion when it comes to The Man with no name. ( The Vampire ) *Smile*

*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- This all looked good here. Nice job! *Smile*

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I guess I sort of enjoyed the sneeky unexpected ending it had.

*Reading*Overall Comments This was an interesting story to come upon, and even though it had a slow start, I really got into what was happening. Good work!! *Smile*
Keep writing, and thank you for sharing it.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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102
102
Review of Restless  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (5.0)
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) All of these areas looked to be wonderful and properly done. *Smile*

Style: (Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The authors voice was for the most part, clear and to the point. The plot got a little sketchy as to where it was leading, and then came in with a grand unexpected ending. Awsome job!! *Smile*

Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) Does not apply here.

Overall Comments: I found this to be fun and interesting to read. It almost felt like a mystery within it, not knowing where the author was going with this. And the ending made a hit with me. Unexpected and really great. Wonderful job on this!!! *Bigsmile*
Thank you for sharing it.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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103
103
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. Everything here was wonderfully done. The authors voice was strong, and to the point that they were reaching.

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme held true, without wandering off, on things that didn't belong in the story. It held one plot all the way through, and was easy to grasp and understand.

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme-Does not apply here.

Suggestions None that come to mind.


*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- I found all these things in great order, easy to read, and easy to understand.

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I enjoyed the entire read. It was fullfilling, elegant, and even a blessing to read.

*Reading*Overall Comments I found this to be a splendid story. It was neatly constructed, and layed out beautifully. There is nothing I would change within it.
Thank you for sharing it. *Smile*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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104
104
Review of WRONGSTRONGBOX  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.0)
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) Spelling and grammar all seem to be okay here. Again I noticed you opted not to use the punctuation, but in this particular one, it doesn't seem to matter. It looks and plays out well without it.

Style: (Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) This section here looked to be good. It even had a unique style of sorts.

Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) This one here kind of had it's own unique style about it, but it did flow well.

Overall Comments: This was quite different, but I thought it was a cool read. I hope to see that you continue with your writing, and thank you for sharing it. *Smile*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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105
105
Review of AJAR  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.0)
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) I found nothing wrong with the spelling here. Grammar was a little hard to figure out in places. But I think that this would really come out better, or atleast more understandable with some punctuation in it. Example below.*Down*

We all live in our jar of secrets(.)
Ajar--no one,no one can shake it(.)
Onward upfront(,) our lives we smother(.)
Unknown to all(,) and one another(.)


Style: (Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The authors voice seems to be okay here, but in my own opinion, I feel it would make a better presentation with the punctuation in it.

Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) This doesn't really follow the rhyme scheme, but it did have a sense of rhythem in it's own sort of way.

Overall Comments: I thought this was a pretty good piece of poetry. Like I mentioned earlier, it had a few areas that were a little hard to understand, but that could possably be just me. *Smile*
Thank you for sharing it.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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106
106
Review of Dreams  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.0)
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) I found the spelling and grammar to be pretty much in order here. But I did feel the punctuation was out of sorts a little. For instance, have a look *Down*

As daylight creeps across a sleeping form
Dreams hurry to be seen
Before the day banishes them.
They seem real, almost tangible.
Much like the stars
So close to earth
That you swear
You could reach out and touch them

There is a lot of punctuation, but just a little off kilter. Now have a look below *Down* again, and see how you like the small changes.

As daylight creeps across a sleeping form,
dreams hurry to be seen
before the day banishes them.
They seem real, almost tangible.
Much like the stars...
so close to earth, that you swear
you could reach out and touch them.

This is just my simple opinion, and you can take it or leave it freely. You are the author. *Smile*



Style: (Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The presentation was good, but I couln't really feel the authors voice or senses in this piece. It's not a bad piece, I just couldn't feel the author pulling me into this one.

Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) Purposely doesn't have these implied.

Overall Comments: This wasn't bad, but I did feel the author needs to put a little more into this one, and maybe dig a little deeper to draw in the reader.

Thank you for sharing it, and keep writing.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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107
107
Review of Harshest Critic  
Review by Charmin
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) I would say all of this looked pretty good up to this *Down* point.

So why do I treasure her opinion so?
When all she says is what I seem to know?

I think it would look better and read better if maybe you changed it to read like this. *Down*

So why do I treasure her opinion so...
When all she says is what I seem to know?

Or like this....

So why do I treasure her opinion so,
when all she says is what I seem to know?

But these are just my opinion. You are the author and should choose the way you like best. *Smile*




Style: (Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The presentation looks good. The paragraphing makes it easy for the reader to see and understand the meaning behind the poem.

Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) This doesn't really fall into the lines of rhythem and rhyme here, but it seemed to flow smoothly while being read.

Overall Comments:
This was a good read. Easy to understand, and get what the author was trying to get across.
Nice work, and keep writing. Thank you for sharing it. *Smile*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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108
108
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) Spelling and grammar seemed to be okay in this piece, but in my own opinion I thought it could use a little punctuation to it. Only because I feel as though it would bring the story/poem more forward to the reader.

Style: (Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The authors voice stood out, and it turned out to be an interesting and cute little story/poem. The author chose not to use paragraphing in this piece, but it was readable without it.

Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) The poem flowed rather nicely without a rhyme and rhythem code.

Overall Comments: I enjoyed reading this piece. It was interesting and even had a little excitement built in. Quite different from what I've usually seen. Keep up the good work, and keep writing. Thank you for sharing with us.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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109
109
Review of Birmingham  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. The entire presentation of this story was excellent. I felt like I was sitting in a room with the author, as he was telling the entire story.

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The them and plot totally came through with an unexpected ending. To be totaly honest, I almost didn't read this all the way through. Not that it was boring, because it was far from that. Only because of how the beginning was playing out, people being hurt, the fights, and other things. It just wasn't my type of story. But as I slowely read farther, things really began to grab my attention, and pushed me to read on.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes Your characters showed great visability, as if I were really there. As the scenes changed, the emotions, senses, questions, thoughts, and why's all began to have an urge to want more.

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme- Does not apply here.

Suggestions None.

*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- The grammar in this piece was phenomenal! <-- I even had to look this word up, to be able to spell it. It was so real. So true. The spelling was done with great care, I found nothing that needed correcting. Paragraphing and punctuation, all greatly done.

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed All I can say here, is that I enjoyed it all. I see here where the reviewer gets rewarded by giving a proper review to this story. I will be sending this back to you. My reward was actually reading this in it's entirety.

*Reading*Overall Comments Totally outstanding piece of work. This needs to be put in a book. Anybody out there looking over this review, needs to read this story. I promise you won't be sorry. This is more than deserving of these 5 stars that I have given it.

Bless you, and thank you for sharing this. It will be more than memorable.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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110
110
Review of On Family Trees  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. The presentation seemed well formed and of good quality. The authors voice and story developement seemed to follow hand in hand.

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme here is good: Family Trees, a hard working subject. *Smile* I was able to understand what the plot was supposed to be, but I didn't quite get where it ended.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes Characters were good, most were narrated, except for the dad and uncle if I remember right. The story line started out good, but had a few twists and turns right there at the end. The different scenes were mostly good, but could use a little altering, which I will explain below. *Down*

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme-Does not apply.

Suggestions The part about some of the scenes needing a little altering, is not too awfull bad. But the section where people start having conversations and things, I would try to break those down into seperate little paragraphs or sentences. It is a tight squeeze in there where they are speaking back and forth, and by seperating the speakers, it makes it a lot easier to read.

Example:*Right*I waited for the sound of ringing, hoping my Dad would pick up. I hated calling him on his vacation, but I had a need to know if it was true that he and Mom went to Mexico on their honeymoon.
seperation
“Hello.” My father’s Texan drawl was comforting.
seperation
“Hi Dad, how’s the trip going?”
seperation
“Fine, what’s up?” I could hear his lady friend in the background, but that’s a whole other story.
seperation
“Oh, I’ve been doing some research into the family tree and I have a question for you.”
seperation
“Gee, that’s great, you have a cousin whose been researching it, even been to some of the states digging up information. Hope I can answer your question.” He sounded surprised I was doing this. Little did he know, so was I.


*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- Most of the spelling looked fine, only stumbled across 2 or 3 typo's. Grammar and punctuation looked good. Most of the paragraphing was well done, except for the small area I mentioned about. *Up*

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I enjoyed reading the antics that went about, trying to did up the informations on who was who, and why the changes and such. It's a hard endever, and it had it's comedy moments.

*Reading*Overall Comments I really enjoyed reading this. It's something I have always wanted to do, but always got sidetracked. *Smile* This was a well composed story, and I would like to thank you for sharing it. *Smile*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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111
111
Review of Relapse  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. The authors voice and story development were okay. But it didn't seem to present itself quite right. It's more of a story/poem situation, rather than just a poem. I'll explain in further detail later, below.*Down*

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The them and plot seemed to hold there ground as the story/poem unfolded. This didn't contain dialogue, it was all narrated, so we'll leave the dialogue part out.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes I seen the two characters throughout the storyline, but they were a little confusing between the scenes. Explanation to help this is further below. *Down*

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme- Most of this seemed to follow along well.

Suggestions Your characters were a little hard to keep track of. Some of which is because I have never seen two characters play in a peom quite like this before. But that's not the problem. I think what would help here, is if you broke this down into stanza's. I will give you an example. *Down*

You stood behind me
Put put your arms around my shoulders
Kissed kissed my neck a few times
Before before I wiggled out of your hold
Leaving leaving you stunned that I could be so cold.
Why did you do this to me?
I did nothing(,) <-- (.)
This is not the way friends are supposed to be.

He said, "Please don’t be like this..."
Then he gave me a kiss.
My face flushed(,) I said, but we agreed…
No, we didn’t, YOU wanted to be free(.)
He looked deep inside me
And and said, "But you bring out a need
in me that won't go away(,)
Thinking of you with someone else
Makes makes me feel dead."


*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation-I don't remember seeing any spelling or gramatical errors. *Smile* Punctuation and paragraphing could use a little work. I have made some examples up above. *Up*

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I enjoyed the fact that you were able to create a poem that involved two characters, each basicly speaking their mind. I havn't seen that done before. *Smile*

*Reading*Overall Comments I thought this was a good read, very descriptive and to the point. I could see the plot unfolding, and your two character poem turned out quite nice and interesting. My suggestions above, are mearly my suggestions, and your free to do as you wish. Thank you for sharing with us. *Smile*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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112
112
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. I found this, very grand indeed. It had some wonderful variety. The recipies, the narration, all intertwined.

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme was good, and stayed pretty much in balance throughout the story. What was even more interesting, was how the dialogue changed between the recipe sections, and the rest of the story.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes It didn't really show too much of the characters, as it was a narrated story. But it would spruce it up, if we could visualize the characters just a little more. *Smile*

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme-Does not apply here.

Suggestions Only the ones about bringing some of the characters into view, and also a little work on the punctuation.

*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- The spelling, grammar, and paragraphing looked good. But it could use a little editing where punctuation are concerned. I found commas where periods should be and vice versa. Some sentences where quite long, and could be trimmed down with either a few commas, or seperate them into 2 sentences.

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I completely enjoyed the layout of this piece. It stands out, has voice, and even shows character.

*Reading*Overall Comments This was a really well and enjoyable read. I hope others get to see it and read it as well.
Great work, and thank you for sharing it with us.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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113
113
Review of The Run  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. A few places, it felt like it was lagging and being drug out a bit by some things repeating themselves. But it did develope into quite a nice story.

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme of the story stayed true throughout, and the plot was catchy in a few spots. Kind of made you wonder... is he gonna go on, or is he gonna stop now. Good job.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes The character stayed with the storyline, and the somewhat different scenes went with the story without wavering.

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme-Does not apply.

Suggestions How about entitling the story, The Long Run, and put the title on the page in bold lettering. Just to give it a little pizzazz!! *Smile*

*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation-Spelling looked good, as well as the grammar. Again, you had me looking up words that I have not seen before, and again they were spelled correctly, and were in proper usage. Paragraph structure was easy to follow, and punctuation all seemed to be properly placed.

*Bigsmile*Things Which I EnjoyedActually, the entire story held my attention quite well. I can't say where there is any point in the story where I enjoyed what was happening, because it's kind of sad sort of speak. But it played out well, other than the few little lags of repeat here and there.

*Reading*Overall Comments Another really good piece of work. You've got tons of potential, and I hope to see you make some good use of it. *Smile*
Thank you for sharing this story.

Best wishes,
Terrie *Smile*
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114
114
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development.I found this to be a tasteful little story. Sad, but tasteful. *Smile* The writers voice stayed consistant with the story, and it flowed and developed quite nicely. Great job!!

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme stayed true throughout the story, and the plot was easy to grasp hold of and understand.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes Your characters, (the narrator) and (the flower), both stayed in tune with the story line. It played out a lovely/yet sad little scene, that was easy to capture by the reader. *Smile*

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme-Does not apply here.

SuggestionsMy only suggestion would be, is to make this lovely little story beam out more. (step 1) Center your title and make it bold. (step 2) Seperate your paragraphs. It gives it some depth on the page, helps it to stand out, and most of all, makes it easier on the reader. *Wink*

*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- Spelling was great! I even checked on the words I've never seen before, and yep, they were spelled right. *Bigsmile* Nice use of the English language there. Grammar looked good and so did punctuation. You did good in English class didn't you. *Smile* Paragraph structure I commented on above. *Up*


*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I enjoyed the beauty of the scenery you were able to portray to the reader. It was actually very captivating. Great work! *Smile*

*Reading*Overall Comments I think you have a good thing going, or atleast starting here. I only wish it could have been longer. You seem to have the concept of what good writing is about, and I hope you stick with it, and give us more to read. Thank you for sharing your work. *Smile*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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115
115
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (5.0)
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure)All of this looked splendid and proper. *Smile*

Content: (theme, plot and dialogue)The theme grabbed at my attention immediately, and was anxious to watch/read the plot unfold.

Characterization:
(Are they believable? How do they react to the events? Are they interesting? - What is it about them that makes me want to continue reading?)I found the characters to be realistic from the scene taking place. It used the senses and had visuals. Great work! *Smile*

Style: (Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.)Very well constructed and easy to read. The reader could focus in to what the story was about and it's circumstance.

Overall comments:This was sad, and yet written delicately with love. A very lovely story to be able to read to a child. Thank you for sharing it with us.
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
116
116
Review of Dear Me  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development.This was off the wall, totally outrageous!! It had a presentation of style, and developed beautifuly right on down the page.

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- Theme,couldn't be better. The plot thing was really good, as it had the reader wondering, just what is she going to do next.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story ScenesDoesn't really apply here. Except for the story line taking place as: Note to self ideas. Which was really cute, I might add.

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme-Does not apply.

SuggestionsNone. I thought this was great just as it is. *Smile*


*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation-Everything looked good. Found no typo's.

*Bigsmile*Things Which I EnjoyedI just loved this line: Hey.... if my house looked perfect, I'd never have time to write or be on my favorite site, Writing.com! Oh that sounds so much like me it's scary. *Blush**Smile*


*Reading*Overall CommentsI found this to be an awsome and enjoyable read. From beginning to end, it held my attention and wanted more. So true, so real, and even comical. Great job!! Thank you for sharing it with us. *Smile*
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
117
117
Review by Charmin
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Now this is a way cool contest. It's not too tough, yet has a competition to it, in order to complete the task. I found all the rules to be well laid out, and understandable. The presentation totally rocks, and the layout is catchy to the eye. I also like how it is for everyone, and given the competition reality. Awsome thinking on this one. *Smile*
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118
118
Review of Double or Divorce  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, I see you are a newbie that has come to join us. *Smile* So I wish to take you by the hand, and try to offer a little help, and maybe even get to know each other. Below... You will find some pointers and tips, and how you can make your good story even better!! *Down*

Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. After reading your story through, I feel it has potential for an even greater story, if you check over some of my ideas and guidelines. Paragraphing would be one of your biggest helps. Seperate your paragraphs where needed, and use spacing. It stands out in presentation, and makes it easier for the reader to relate different scenes and narration.

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue-

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes I feel your story would come more alive if you could show some visuals/senses. What are your characters whearing, what are their features, hair color, eyes, etc. What did the woman smell like? Was she wearing perfume?

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme-

Suggestions Try adding some smog, like cigarette smoke to the barroom scene. Or/and maybe some noise from a croud or something.

*Idea*: Maybe you could have the woman or gentleman for that matter, ask the other one over to a table so they could talk, or something of that nature.

*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- I found quite a few spelling typo's and punctuation that could use some touching up. Nothing a good spell check and editing couldn't find. *Flower1* It's something we all do from time to time, but that's what we are here for, to help each other out and offer suggestions where we can. Example below. *Down*

It was getting late and the hotel bar was beginning to empty, (.) <--- (punctuation) there There <--- (capitalize) were a few business men scattered around and there was also (a) young couple deep in conversation sitting snuggly in a corner.
(seperate here)
Paul was a married sales man <-- one word who spent most of his life driving around the country and staying in a variety of hotels and bed and breakfasts. He was just thinking about returning to his room when a woman came into the bar and tried to get the attention of the bar man(,) he He had his back to her and didn't seem to feel her presence. Paul however couldn't help but notice her. She leant on to <-- one word the bar and as she did(,) so her blouse rose up exposing her lower back and pulling the materiel of her trouser tight around her thighs.


*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I for the most part enjoyed how the story manufactured and turned out in the end. The best part was: "You might be looking for somwhere else to live after to night, your wife paid me to see if you would be unfaithful to her and if I hadn't stopped when I did we both know what would have followed, but if you pay me double what your wife did then I'll tell her you were a perfect gentlemen and you will know to be more careful in future".!

*Reading*Overall Comments I truely believe this story has some great potential. It already has a good theme and plot. All it needs is some good editing on your punctuation,grammar, and spelling, like some of the examples I have pointed out. And of course the paragraphing. Don't give up. Stick with it, and I'm sure you will like the improvements and outcome. And always remember, we are not here to criticise, only to help you make something that's already good, a little better. *Smile*
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and I hope to see more of you and your work, around the site.
119
119
Review of The Sun Goes Nova  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. The story development seemed to be good. It was mostly easy to follow along at what was going on. Paragraphing could have made it a little better.

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- I noticed that most of this story is in dialog or narrative format. But I feel what you need to do here, is seperate the two. For instance...

He put the two duffel bags and the mini bookcase in the trunk and closed the trunk. He entered the taxi and sat down on a seat in the back of the car. All four doors closed automatically.
(seperate here)
“Where can I take you(,) <--- punctuation” asked the automated taxi.
(seperate here)
“You can take me to the shuttle launching pad for the International Space Station,” said Bob.


Your Characters/ Storyline / Story ScenesI could visualize the scenes that were happening, but I felt as though it would be better if we could get some visualization on the wife and two children. It felt like they kind of vanished from the story fro awhile, and then popped back in. Maybe show us what is going on while they are packing their bags or hear what they could be saying.

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme-

Suggestions: Sometimes, we tend to add a little too much information, and it makes the story kind of lag. For instance...
There had been a family portrait on the wall of Bob, his wife Liz, their then ten year old son Daniel, and their then six year old daughter Macy. His son was now sixteen years old and his daughter was twelve years old.

*Idea*: If you would like to keep the ages of the children in the story, try something like this....
There had been an older family portrait on the wall of Bob, his wife Liz, and their two children.

Then try adding their ages somewhere in the upper portion of the story. For instance....Bob is a normal, hard working, family man. He has a wonderful wife named Liz, a sixteen year old son named Daniel, and a twelve year old daughter named Macy.

*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- I found quite a few spelling typo's, but a good editing and spell checker should be able to find most of them. Also, if you could divide this story up intp paragraps, would be a big plus. It makes it easier for the reader, and it doesn't sound like a story being told, without coming up for air. *Smile*

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I liked the part when Clara and John came into the picture, and being dressed as they were. (Laundry day. *Laugh* ) That was really cute.

*Reading*Overall Comments I could truely get right into this story. It did manage to draw me in, after a little persuasion, and I could look around and be there. But then it came to an abrupt end, which I thought could be pushed on. I think this story has the potential to grow bigger with a little help and planning. It all kind of reminded me of the movie about Mars, with that Arnold Swartzensomthing guy.*Smile* Good work though, for the most part. I will stop back to check up on you, and see how you are doing.
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Review of Sometimes  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello there. This is a good short poem with a lot of potential. I see you are new here, so I thought I would try to offer some help. *Smile*

Lets see if we can spruce this up a bid for you, and see if you like the changes I have pointed out.

sometimes (Sometimes) <--- capitalization.
my sister doesn't make any sense(.) <--- punctuation.
she She writes songs
and sings them(,)
but they sound like gibberish(.)
maybe Maybe it's me(;)
maybe it's her(.)
but But sometimes(,)
my sister doesn't make sense(.)

*Up*         *Up*
A lot of times, simple things like capitalization and punctuation can make a difference. It brings the piece into more enlightened view.
*Idea* Also maybe if you gave this poem a title, it would bring out the presentation a little for you. But these are just suggestions. You are the author, and should only adjust at your will.*Smile*

Thank you for sharing your work, and by all means, (keep writing). *Smile*
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Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Now this was a blast to read! After reading it all the way through, just picturing all these things going on, you're right. You had to be there. I can understand that phrase so completely. Just from reading it, I had tears of laughter in my eyes. And it just kept getting better with each attendie that was mentioned.
My most favorite part of the entire read was: RickysGranny & More maneuvered her banana in a manner never seen before at a public event but she too managed to move her banana across the floor. Mark has convention fever! was in a bind. He could only make his banana reach the tape by doing a modified duck walk across the floor...he struggled much to the crowds delight! In the end, Banana Granny was victorious...but left the crowd wondering...where did she learn to do that with a banana?!
I can clearly see, everyone had a blast, and didn't seem to mind any embarrassing moments they may have had. Atleast not until they got home, and then remembered it all later as.....Oh my Lord! I did that?*Laugh*
The presentation of this entire write was really awsome. Thank you for sharing the fun with us, and I hope we get to see the next one.*Wink*
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Review of The Dance  
Review by Charmin
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is indeed a very lovely poem too. It had rhyme and rythm all where needed. I did find a few areas that could use some adjusting though.

He will pin me if I don’t give in. <-- The word pin doesn't seem to fit quite right.

Head on his shoulder he says, “Having fun?”<-- says should be asked.

I look into his eyes and am captured,<-- this needs an I in between and/am.

These are just my sugestions and you can do with them as you please.*Smile*

It was a pleasure reading this fine piece, and thank you for sharing it with us.*Smile*
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Review of Santa's Crisis  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really had a delight in reading this fine little story. It all visualized so real and convincing.*Smile* Great Job!!

"But, Santa, that's all there is. I've checked it twice just like you told me to. I've even had a service man in to check my computer and printer and even the fax machine. He found nothing wrong with them." The lead spy elf nervously shuffled his pointy toed shoes in the snow. <-- great show of visual here.*Smile*

The part I liked the best: "Unbelievable," he said. "Even these kids listed here are so naughty that they don't deserve coal in their stockings. In fact I've just thought of a new use for reindeer droppings!"


Days of brain numbing surveying-the-public later he found himself outside a small shop in downtown Los Angeles. The night was chilly and the moon struggling to shine past the heavy clouds that were moving in across the sky. <-- Another great visual scene.*Smile*

"Shoot," said long-hair-with-pants-falling-down. "Just make it quick cuz we gotta split." <-- totally loved this part.*Wink*

Thank you for sharing this fine piece of work with us. It turned out just perfect.*Smile*
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Review of Hallow - what?  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
definitely not what I had expected.*Smile* It was a really good read though. The story enveloped very smoothly, and the characters were believable.*Wink* I followed along very carefully, but noticed everything seemed in it's place.*Smile* Punctuation was where it needed to be. Grammer and senses all seem to be there. It could have used a little more visual though. *Frown* Something like: What did some of the houses look like. Where they farm house type, a more modern type? Were there any other kids out trick-or-treating?
Aside from that, I really enjoyed this little story. It played out very convincing. Thank you for sharing your work with us.*Smile*
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Review of Questions  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this piece to be a really great read, and well defined. It stood out, and spoke it's purpose well. It holds true feelings and emotions, and seems to be well on it's way to being a masterpiece. Oh, and I noticed at the top, you mentioned about turning it into a poem maybe. I think a prose would be nice.*Smile*

I had an enjoyable time, glimpsing into your port. And also wish to thank you for sharing your work and feelings with us.*Smile*
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