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Review of A world of magic  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Thomas, and welcome to the site. I hope you are enjoying it here, an having an easy time getting around. I have come to snoop through your port, and R/R/R a few items. *Smile*

*Flower5*
Style: (Overall presentation of the story/poem, the authors voice, and development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) I found the presentation to be well done. This poem is neat and tidy and easy to read. The authors voice is clear and completely understandable.

*Note1*
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) The spelling and grammar are well done. Paragraphing is neat and tidy. I did find a few missing pieces of punctuation, but nothing major. *Smile*


Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme)I thought this had a very nice rhythm/rhyme scheme going for it and it flowed well. The stanzas don't match up evenly, but it didn't take away from this poems meanings or credibility.

*Reading*
Overall Comments: This was a very inspiring and pleasing poem to read. I am glad to have come across it. It really makes one think about how life really is, and yet wonder why it can't be like or as different than what we can dream. This is a very lovely piece of work.

Keep writing, and thank you for sharing.
Best wishes,
Terrie
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77
77
Review of The Endtimes  
Review by Charmin
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello there Winklett, Just having a gander through your port, when I noticed this piece about writing.com, so I just HAD to come and read it. *Bigsmile*

*Note1*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. The presentation is great. Things are pretty neat and tidy, and easy to read and comprehend. The authors voice is clear and understandable. The story developed greatly, unknowingly from the beginning, and then bursting in the end. *Smile*

*Exclaim*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme was great, but I think the title needs a little something more. How about something like: "The Great Loss"? This is just my opinion, and your free to not ever think about it again. *Laugh* The plot was good. It started opening somewhere in the middle and had a great finish.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes The main character (you) was good,there was a few visuals there. The backround characters (people in the streets, etc) could have used a few more visuals and or senses. The visuals of ground breaking and birds flying rampedly are all good, but the characters themselves could use a little more. Maybe something like people waving their arms in the air, a few pulling their hair out or clawing themselves. This is just a few way out ideas, only because the scene set here kind of gives that impression.

*Star*
Suggestions Maybe a few dirt slides and a tornado possibly. *Smile* These are just my opinion and a suggestion or two. Your free to use them or ignore them. *Smile* The story is still great without them.


*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- All of these seemed to look good. There was a few places I had to slow it down while reading to actually take in all the chaos going on, but the jumble of it made it worth while.

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed My favorite part was when you look out the front door and the rest of the world is also going bizarre without writing.com

*Reading*Overall Comments This was a fun read. In my opinion, I think the The StoryMistress and The StoryMaster would get a kick out of this. *Bigsmile*

Keep writing, and thank you for sharing.
Best wishes,
Terrie
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78
78
Review of In your eyes  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower5*
Style: (Overall presentation of the story/poem, the authors voice, and development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The authors voice is clear and understandable. Paragraphing for easy reading, good. Find more about presentation below *Down* in the section I marked *Idea*.

*Note1*
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) Spelling and grammar looked good here. A little on punctuation below *Down*


Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) This piece here doesn't really follow a rhythm/rhyme scheme, it's more like Free Verse Poetry. Although the words are great, I think you may enjoy it more if you gave it some highlights. *Idea* Try adding some punctuation and a little boldness, and centering it. Look below *Down* at an example. *Smile*

When I look into your eyes...
I see myself
I see beauty
I see a wonderful person
I see the things I do are good
I see the mistakes I´ve made are there to learn.

When I look into the mirror...
I see myself
I see ugliness
I see a foolish person
I see the things I do are bad
I see the mistakes I´ve made out of my dullness.

I need your eyes, to look into the mirror.


Remember, this is just an idea, and you are free to use it or just chuck it. *Smile* You are the author.



*Reading*
Overall Comments: This is a very nice poem. It holds a touch of emotion, as well as expressing feelings that are usually hidden in one's self.

Keep writing, and thank you for sharing. *Smile*
Best wishes,
Terrie
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79
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Up until now, I didn't realize that you were only beginning to learn a different language. But this here piece is really good. I read 2 other pieces of work, and didn't really know how to go about correcting the grammar into it. Now I am glad that I didn't. Only because I didn't know. Then I came across reading this piece and learned a great deal. *Smile* You have come a long way.

*Flower5*
Style: (Overall presentation of the story/poem, the authors voice, and development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The presentation here is very good. The story is easy to read and comprehend.

*Note1*
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) Spelling looked good, grammar still needs a few touch-up's here and there,and paragraph structure looked great. *Idea* Most stories have quotations in the dialogue pieces. It helps the reader to understand and realize that a character is speaking, and when they are not, or have changed characters within the story or scene. You are free to use this idea or just let it go. You are the author. *Smile*


*Reading*
Overall Comments: This was a fun and interesting read. I wish I had dreams like this. *Smile*

Keep writing, and thank you for sharing. *Smile*
Best wishes,
Terrie
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80
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note1*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. I found the presentation to be clear and precise. The authors voice was understandable for the most part, other than a few words thrown in that are not a big choice in some's vocabulary.

*Exclaim*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme is strong and pliable, but the author describes the situations at hand with reguard to any and all religions. There is a plot which is more on the basis of a moral to the story, but yet it can also be looked at as a question.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes This is another narrative based story, where the author is giving his side and letting others choose their side.

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme-

*Star*
Suggestions Not at this time.

*Idea*:

*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- Most of this area looked good, other than the miss punctuation of the word God a few times. Another look over from you should be able to point them out to you. *Smile*

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I enjoyed the fact that this story was not pushy or misleading.

*Reading*Overall Comments This was a good read, and one of some great points and values. I for one always believed that prayer shouldn't be taught in public schools, but should atleast be acknowledged. Something on the basis like, how most hospitals have a chappel where those who wish to can pray. Why can't public schools have one of those? It would just be there if some choose to use it.

Keep writing, and thank you for sharing your work.
Best wishes,
Terrie
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81
81
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower5*
Style: (Overall presentation of the story/poem, the authors voice, and development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The presentation here seems to be good. I do think if you centered it down the page, it would give it more style. The authors voice is clear and understandable, and in my opinion, it developed nicely.

*Note1*
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) Spelling looked good, as well as grammar. Paragraphing wasn't necessary, but I did find some missing punctuation.

Its --> It's surface given form by motion deep.

Drowned in its --> it's troubled currents my heart calls;

Her tears of silver light dance on a wave (;)

Which calms my spirit, makes its --> it's waters clear,



Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) This flowed well and had a good rhythm, but I did notice a rhyme change on the last two lines. The last two lines rhymed, but they didn't follow the same pattern as the rest of the lines. Not a big deal, I just thought I'd point it out to you anyway. *Smile*

*Reading*
Overall Comments: This was a great read. It holds a lot of power and emotion within it. Nice work!! Keep writing, and thank you for sharing it. *Smile*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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82
82
Review of A Slug's Rainbow  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. Hhmmm...Where to start! *Bigsmile* The presentation seems to be fine. I think I might have given this a different name, something like A slug's final moments. Rainbow just didn't feel right. But anyway, the story seemed to develope good and was for the most part understandable to read. A little squeemish, but understandable.

*Exclaim*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme seemed to stay on track, ( a slug's final moments), the plot was forseeable and came through in the end.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes (scratching head).... Character, or critters seemed to do fine in the story. I think they could have had a few more visuals or senses, but the slugs was fine. *Smile*

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme-

*Star*
Suggestions None really, but I now feel sorry for a yucky ol slug, where I don't think I've ever cared before. *Bigsmile*

*Idea*:

*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- All of this looked good here. You seem to edit your work well. That's good. Shows you take pride in your work. Some words were the type you had to go look up to find the meanings, but eh, I'm used to that. *Laugh*

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed Can't really comment here this time. But I can say it was written good.

*Reading*Overall Comments You do some good work. I hope to see you follow through and stick with it. Glad to have you aboard newbie!!

Thank you for sharing your work,
Terrie
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83
83
Review of The Blind  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note1*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. I found the presentation to be good. Clean, neatly written paragraphs. The authors voice is clear and understandable.

*Exclaim*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme to the story is good, but I did have a little trouble at locating what the plot is really about. I noticed at the bottom of the page that the story isn't finished yet. Maybe the plot hasn't come along yet. The dialogue between the characters was good. See more about this below, *Down* in the Suggestions area.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes The characters played well, and the story scenes had great visuals and senses added in for better reading pleasure. I felt like I was watching a cross between an Arnold Schwarzenegar movie, and the matrix. A mixture of both worlds, the now and what is to come.

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme-

*Star*
Suggestions My only suggestion here would be to give your story some type of seperation between the narration and the dialogues. Another words, maybe you could highlight where your characters are speaking with italics.

*Idea*:

*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- I found this section to be great! No spelling errors, punctuation where it was needed, paragraph structure neat and easy to read.

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed So far, I enjoyed everything in this story, until there is more of it anyway. I have always liked a little sci-fi, even though I can't write it. *Laugh*

*Reading*Overall Comments I found this to be a good read, and think you are off to a great start. I hope to see the story finished one day. Keep up the good work, and keep writing.

Thank you for sharing your work,
Terrie
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84
84
Review of Why I Write  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note1*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. Wow!! It was a slow starter, and it took a bit to get into it. When I got to around paragraph 8, it started sucking me in.

*Exclaim*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- I felt as though the theme had changed somewhere in the middle of the story, but it merged back into it's beginning developement, brought out a plot, and ended with much to think about.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes This was basically a narrated story, but it did have different scenes to follow along with.


*Star*
Suggestions I have nothing. *Smile*


*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- All of this looked really good. You edit your work well.

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I am glad and happy to see you didn't give up. *Smile*

*Reading*Overall Comments This was a good read. It took a little weaving and swaying to get to the plot of the story, but it was worth it. Well done.

Keep writing, and thank you for sharing it. *Smile*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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85
85
Review of Undeniable  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower5*
Style: (Overall presentation of the story/poem, the authors voice, and development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The authors voice is mostly clear and anderstandable here. But in my own opinion, I think it would be more understandable, and present itself clearer, if you could break down the lasrge sentences.

Example:
I can’t help but to stay wrapped tight in a quilt stitched from thoughts of you.
Life seems as though it pauses for hours before I reach a point of faintness,
this rush comes whenever I feel your undeniably, caressing touch.
 See below *Down* for a different version.

I can’t help but to stay wrapped tight in a quilt,
stitched from thoughts of you.
Life seems as though it pauses for hours,
before I reach a point of faintness.
This rush comes
whenever I feel your undeniably,
caressing touch.


This *Up* is only a suggestion, and you are free to use it or dispose of it. *Smile* You are the creator, and should do as you like.



*Note1*
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) I found all of these to be in great shape, unless you decide to alter it like I did, then you would have to change some of the punctuation.


Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) This too, does not follow in the rhythm/rhyme scheme. Not a necessity. But it did flow very well. It is understandable to the reader, and brings out the depth of the writers feelings.

*Reading*
Overall Comments: I found this to be a very good read. It has a good range of senses within it, that are easily brought into the readers thoughts as they read it.

Nice work. Keep writing, and thank you for sharing it. *Smile*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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86
86
Review of True Awareness  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower5*
Style: (Overall presentation of the story/poem, the authors voice, and development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The presentation is grand. The authors voice is clear and understanding, and easy to follow along with.

*Note1*
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) Spelling and grammar is good, and it's so lovely to see punctuation. It helps the reader in distinguishing where a thought begins and ends.


Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) This didn't really follow a rhythm and rhyme pattern, but it's not necessary. It did however flow smoothly which enables the reader to comprehend the story/poem.

*Reading*
Overall Comments: I thought this was a beautiful story/poem, more like a prose actually. It has a lot of thoughts and emotions, and even many things to consider. The only thing that I can think of to bring it more alive, would be to highlight the title above the piece.

A wonderful job. *Smile* Keep writing, and thank you for sharing with us.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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87
87
Review of Middle Age  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower5*
Style: (Overall presentation of the story/poem, the authors voice, and development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) This piece presented itself pretty well. Look below *Down* for more on this.

*Note1*
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) Spelling and grammar looked great here. But what I have to say about the punctuation is so completely not like me. I usually always like to see punctuation. But in this case, it looks like it has too much punctuation. I can't even figure out why, maybe it's just me. *Smile*


*Reading*
Overall Comments: This was a very good and interesting read. But just for the sake of trying it, have you ever thought about centering it down the page, and try leaving out some of the punctuation? I only considered this idea because of it reading as if it were a prose piece.
For an example of what I was talking about, look below.

When I was young I used to think,
that middle age would really stink.
I cannot lie I can't deny,
a future not to sanctify.

What can I say? I now am there,
The forties I can now declare.
It's not so bad my life is good,
Can I complain? Well, if I could...

A few more wrinkles here and there,
it's nothing much I cannot bear.
I keep in shape... (not always true),
I am not perfect but are you?

A grey hair here and there I see...
what color would I like to be?
I never thought I'd be this age,
submitting to that dreaded stage.

What can I say? I can surmise,
I am somewhat a bit more wise.


Please remember, this was only a suggestion. You are the author, and should always do what you like best. *Smile*

Thank you for a great read, and thank you for sharing this with us. *Smile*
Best wishes,
Terrie
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88
88
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower5*
Style: (Overall presentation of the story/poem, the authors voice, and development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) I found the authors voice to be clear and understandable, but I did feel as though there was a lot of repeating of the same things over and over.

*Note1*
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) I found a few typo's scattered about, but nothing too awful bad. Punctuation looked good, and for the most part, the grammar looked good.


*Reading*
Overall Comments: This was a good story, but I think if you took a little time to read it over, you could probably manage to get more info in there somewhere. Also, I felt that when you used the words: I Love U, it made it feel like not real love at all. Just words being said or thrown about like just everyday lingo that means nothing. I think your story would stand out much better if you used the proper words: I Love You. It just gives it a whole honest and worldly meaning to it.

Remember, this isn't a bad review. I just think with a little more effort and word power, you can make this good piece lots better. *Smile*

Best wishes, and thank you for sharing with us.
Terrie
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89
89
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (3.5)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development.

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- I pretty much understood the basic theme here, (not all of it computed) but I knew what the author was trying to get across.


*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- OK... I did find quite a few typo's, grammar probs., and some punctuation issues here.

The mystery of thoughts lie in their origination, seldom you imagine stuff that you didn’t ever wished to at that spur of moment, seldom you dream of stuffs that you didn’t want to, such unwanted dreams are even called as nightmares.
I am somehow getting the feeling that where you put the word seldom, you actually meant sometimes. This here paragraph is not really understandable at all. Look below for some changes I have made, and see if that is what you meant. *Down*

The mystery of thoughts lie in their origination. Sometimes you imagine things that you never wished to at that spur of moment, or sometimes you dream of things that you didn’t want to. Such unwanted dreams are usually called nightmares.

It works; really, I learnt (had learned) this trick accidentally, during my childhood, when once I closed my eyes in a nightmare.

I am not a person to criticize grammar, but I do tend to try to help them with it. I know for a fact that grammar is different between some of the states and countries, my own husband has a tendency to make me go hmmm? Then I scratch my head, and remember, "oh yea, he's from-----, and their grammar is way different than here." More times than not though, I do correct it when I hear it. *Smile* There are quite a few other areas like these, but I'm sure with a good look over and edit, you should be able to find most of them.


Suggestions I would definetly suggest taking the time to really look this over, and if you need extra grammar help or things like that, there are a few areas on the site that do just that for you.
"Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" "Sunny's Review Forum" 


*Reading*Overall Comments This is not a bad article, actually it could be very interesting, but more valuable if the reader could understand it a little better.

Keep writing, and thank you for sharing it.
Best of luck,
Terrie
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90
90
Review of You Try  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (3.5)
Style: (Overall presentation of the story/poem, the authors voice, and development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The authors voice was good in this one as well, but the presentation would stand out better with some editing help. See below. *Down*

The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) This here section could use a good editing. I will do my best to pick out most of them for you.

Sometimes we foght faught

Somedays its it's you
Somedays its it's me

But there is one thing that i want you to see
On the days i am sad
I should always be capitalized.

On the days Im I'm scared

On the days i I am mad

On the days i I am paranoid
you tell me i I havent haven't messed up

Is that no matter how i I act


Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) This poem did not have the rhythm/rhyme scheme, but I could easily tell it was not to have it.

Overall Comments: The words, meanings, and emotions are good here. But I honestly think that if this poem is given the proper attention, it could be better.

Keep writing, and thank you for sharing. *Smile*
Terrie
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91
Review of Without You  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Krystall,

Style: (Overall presentation of the story/poem, the authors voice, and development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The authors voice was pretty clear on what they were trying to get across on how they feel, and the stanzas were neatly seperated for easy reading. But I felt the presentation would have come through better with a few adjustments that can be made from editing. The sentencings are a little off balance with the mixture of spelling punctuations. Most of them start with capitals, and then there are a few that waver off somewhere, and do not. You need to kind of even the score here.
Example:
I am starting to see
maybe it wasnt all that bad
Now you seem so happy
No longer are you sad




The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) Most of the spelling looked good, and grammar was okay, but the punctuation could use a tad bit of help here. *Smile*

And they the way we couldve been
couldve if you wish to use it should look like this---could've. But in actuality it's not a proper word, and would look better if used like this---could have.

Why cant things be normal can't
The way (i) dream they could be
but then (i) wake and realize
im I'm still alone....its it's just me



Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) I'm not really finding a rhythm/rhyme scheme here, but that's okay. Not all poetry does. However, it does look like you may have tried to give it a rhyme scheme, but it didn't quite work out. *Smile* I'm not sure here.

Overall Comments: This is not a bad little poem at all. It just needs some structure in it. I hope I was of some help here. But you are free to take or leave my suggestions at your will. *Smile*

Best of luck, keep writing, and thank you for sharing.
Terrie
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92
92
Review of In Time  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (5.0)
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) I found no spelling errors, and grammar and punctuation all looked great. *Smile*

Style: (Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The presentation is neat, the authors voice is easy to understand, and the piece is actually very vivid in it's understandings of what the author was implying. Great job here too! *Bigsmile*

Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) It flowed well, the rhythm and rhyme was there.

Overall Comments: In my own opinion, I could not find anything wrong with this poem. I thought it's emotions, and the vocabulary of the words were lovely.
Nice work!! Keep writing, and thank you for sharing.

Best of luck,
Terrie
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93
93
Review of Life  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) I found the spelling and grammar to be quite fine here, and it's great to see the punctuation. *Smile*

Style: (Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The authors voice has clarity and is easily understood. The poem holds emotions of sadness and uncertainties, yet some of lifes pleasures and questions.

Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme) The rhyme seemed to stay and flow well throughout the piece. But the beat,tempo,rhythm felt a little off balance. I'm definetly not an expert on criticing poetry, I'm not too great at it myself. I just write what I feel and let it go from there basicly.

Overall Comments: This was a good poem to read, but it did feel like it was missing something. Maybe it just needs to have more. *Smile*

Nice work, keep writing, and thank you for sharing.
Best of luck,
Terrie
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94
94
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. The authors voice was good, and the story developed well. But for the story to have an eye grabbing presentaion, try putting a dialogue in the beginning of the story.

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme was good, and plot was easy to find and follow.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes Storyline was good, and had lots of visuals and senses within it.

Suggestions All the same suggestions in this one as in the other one I reviewed. Seperate your paragraphs for easier reading. And try using italics either in the characters speaking, or the narration. It just sort of helps break it down for the reader, and it's easier to find the action. *Smile*

*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- I found a few straggly typo's in this one, but nothing in abundance. Grammar and punctuation all were well. Paragraphing is mentioned above. *Up*

*Reading*Overall Comments This was a pretty good read. Like I mentioned before, I don't really get into these types of storys much, but it was able to hold my attention. *Smile* Good job!!

Keep writing, and thank you for sharing.
Best of luck,
Terrie
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95
95
Review of Sinful Chocolate  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello again Diane, This one was awsome!!


Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. The presentation is good, the authors voice is clear and understandable, and it developed great all the way through. *Smile*

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- Theme and plot were both great. I still think you should highlight your dialogue though. Give it it's own space. Make it stand out.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes The characters were darling. I totaly enjoyed the fun, witt and humor of the chocolate and roses. The scenes were great. It had visuals, and even a few of the senses in there.

Suggestions None really, except about the dialogue stuff I mentioned earlier.


*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- I found all these to be in wonderful and neat order. *Bigsmile*

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I completely enjoyed all of it. I guess the most comical was the chocolate and roses in the shopping cart. *Smile*

*Reading*Overall Comments This was a fun and comical read. You done a wonderful job on this, and I hope it gets more views, reviews and reads.

Best of luck, and thank you for sharing. *Smile*
Terrie
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Review of Please Choose Me  
Review by Charmin
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Diane, To be completely honest, I usually shy away from reviewing my superiors. *Blush* But this little story caught my eye and drew me in. They are usually my favorite types to read, thinking about the grand and happy endings. Well, here's my blog....

Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. The authors voice was clear and understandable, even though there seemed to be more narration than story. I felt sort of jipped in the end, like the story ended abruptly. Not even a hint as which way the story went.

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme seemed to be good, and the plot was understandable. I did feel that the narration in the beginning of the story could have been highlighted in another manner. For instance, maybe italics.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes I really felt like this story could have had more scenery into it. What did the orphanage look like? Was it dark and dingy? Warm and inviting? I only really got a glimps of Mariana. How well or how poorly were Jeremy,Tiffany, or Mrs. Swift dressed? A few senses give a story a really big boost also. Some sounds or smells for instance.


*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- All of these things I found to be in wonderful order. *Smile*

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I enjoyed the fact that Jeremy and Mariana were kind of upbeat people. Happy people.

*Reading*Overall Comments This was a good story to find and read, but I honestly felt like it could have had more to it. More visuals and more senses mostly. I'm off to snoop around more in your port, to see what I may find. *Smile*

Best of luck, and thank you for sharing your work. *Smile*
Terrie
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Review of Olympia  
Review by Charmin
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) I found everything here wonderfuly done. One paragraph was more or less a run on sentence, which I think could be doctored up a bit. But it didn't seem to hurt the story any.

Style: (Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The presentation was great, the authors voice clear and understandable, and the story developed beautifully.

Mechanics: (flow meter/rhythm rhyme scheme)

Overall Comments: I totaly commend you on this one. This was great!! *Smile* It had scenery, visuals, senses, the works. And what was really good, was the fact that it didn't give the reader any hint, but left them wondering in the end. Very nice!!

This was great, and I hope to see more of it in the future. *Smile* Keep writing, and thank you for sharing it.

Best wishes, and best of luck,
Terrie
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Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The Basics: (spelling, grammar and punctuation) (proper use of quotations in dialogue paragraph structure) From what I seen, I found all these to be in propper sequence, good spelling, punctuation, etc.

Style: (Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development which includes little things such as putting a space between paragraphs to make reading easier.) The presentation was good, the authors voice is mostly clear and understandable. I also think your story would be a little more hightened if you had a few more visuals in this room. Or maybe some senses. What was the room like. Did it maybe have a cold air about it.


Overall Comments: This wasn't a bad little story, but by the time I got to the end, I felt like I totally lost everything I had read. I didn't quite get the gist between the story and the title. I think the reader needs a little more info in this story other than glittering teeth.

Hang in there. I've read your work before, and you have amazing potential. Most of all, stick with it and keep writing.

Thank you for sharing with us.
Best of luck,
Terie
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Review of Dead end  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. The presentation was pretty good, it had a bit of a slow start, but then took off nicely. *Smile* The authors voice was clear and understandable, and the development of the story progressed visably. Nice work!! *Smile*

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme stayed through all the way until the unseen blast at the end. *Bigsmile* Good Bait & Switch there.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes The characters were mostly good in their scenes, but the storyline had an odd twist in the end. I enjoyed the fact, that I didn't see the end coming, but I could not understand why a vampire would be frightened in the first place.

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme- Does not apply here.

Suggestions None really, unless you could maybe find a way to explain why your vamp would have been frightened.


*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- I found all these to be done well, checked over, and neatly grafted together.

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I enjoyed the cool surprise at the end.

*Reading*Overall Comments I think you're off to a very good start in writing. You have the knowledge to hold the reader, and you seem to understand the reader needs visuals. Great job!!

Keep writing, and thank you for sharing it.
Best of luck,
Terrie
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Review of Remember?  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I found this from The Review Request Page. I see you are new here and this is your first piece. It is very hard to critic on such a lovely piece such as this, but I will do my best.

Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and story development. The authors voice was clear and understandable. Although, the presentation could use a touch of help. I will explain more, down below. *Down*

Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue- The theme held it's ground throughout the story.

Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes The characters showed great visuals and senses. Nice job!! *Smile*

Mechanics: Flow, rhythm, and rhyme scheme- Does not apply here.

Suggestions Here is where I wish to explain the above *Up* section.

Your story needs to have some paragraphing structure to it. It's really hard to read a story when it's all one big paragraph. You need to break them down, almost into mini scenes sort of. Lokk below for an example:

Do you believe in love at first sight? I know it's a cliche, but seriously, do you? No? Well, neither did I. Then I met you.
(paragraph seperation)
You didn't think I noticed you that first time. Well, I did. Remember? You were across the room at Murphy's arguing with another man. I'm not sure what the topic was, but your face was flushed with excitement, your eyes sparkled with victory in view, your movements mimicked a dance in time to the forcefulness of your words. And then, you threw your head back and let out an exuberant laugh. It was right then, I think, I felt my heart untie its arteries and veins, and leave my chest to fly across the room to attach itself alongside your own. I didn't even know your name. It doesn't sound very smart,does it, falling in love with a total stranger. It was hardly my choice.
(paragraph seperation)
Remember the time you took me out to the little cafe at the corner of Oak and Thomas Jefferson?No? Well, I'll tell you. It was to be casual and you had on a blue and black plaid shirt, and wranglers. I can't recall what I wore, but i do remember the look in your eyes when you saw me. You told me later that was when you fell in love with me. You said you never stopped falling.
We ordered buffalo burgers that night. I can still see that elderly couple as they hobbled in holding hands and laughing like teenagers. They sat across the room from us. I remember how you glanced at them and watched as he kissed his wife's wrinkled hand and whispered to her. Then you looked at me, and remarked 'Isn't it amazing? They've lived their whole life together and they still are so in love. I forget what I said, but then you grinned your funny lopsided grin, and I wished to somehow capture the moment.


*Flower3*The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation- The spelling and grammar were ok here. But the paragraphing structure is what you need to work on, as I mentioned above. *Up*

*Bigsmile*Things Which I Enjoyed I truely enjoyed this entire story. It showed lots of emotion and you even got in some great detailing.

*Reading*Overall Comments A very lovely story. I hope that this has been some help to you. Your wordings are well written, and you have great potential showing here. Keep writing, and thank you for sharing it.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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