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1
1
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Dchica85 *Smile*

*Flower3**Flower4*
Style: "Overall presentation of the story, title, and development:"
The presentation of your story has good points and not such good points. Visually the story has a neat characteristic of paragraphing, which helps to better read and comprehend the story. However, I did notice quite a few typo's out and about, which I have pointed out below. *Down* The title seems to fit well and agree with the story itself. I thought it developed in a well and timely manner, long enough for the reader to explain all that is necessary, but not so long that it lags or bores the reader.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
"Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:"
A narrative story with the main character as the narrator, a quick pop in-pop out character, and the creatures at the pond. All felt realistic in nature. The story line and scenes had a good bit of visuals and senses for the reader to be able to see, feel, and relate to the story with.

*Check3*The Basics:
"Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:"

*Check3* I sit here amid the high trees who that seem to be fighting with the season to hold on to their last pale leaves.

*Check3* As my lungs absorb the fresh wind(,) comma after wind I feel as though i I have consumed new energy.

*Check3* My blond hair flies around me shortly making me lose my sight as it covers my squinched squinted eyes.

*Check3* My mind starts to wonder did you mean wander? like a lost child, (.) period after child I come here often on days like today, when my world is filled with dismay and despondency.

*Check3* The unpretentious bench secluded from the harsh world as i I know it,

*Check3* It is here where i I find illusions

*Check3* Yet all alone(,) after alone I do not feel lonely. The water is filled with life(,) after life which keep keeps me company.

*Check3* I look close and for a split second see a quite large fish, it is a dull gray color and seems to have no time to waste, in the blink of my eye he is gone.
I look close and for a split second, I see quite a large fish, gray in color, and seems to have no time to waste; in the blink of an eye, he is gone.

*Check3* At my level, above water I spot an admirable insect hovering the water, with wings appearing to too big for its fragile body.
hovering the water For correct usage, you may need to reword your sentence by adding a preposition directly after the marked verb or by substituting a more appropriate verb. For examples:
Instead of_ The cat disappeared the mouse.
Consider_The cat disappeared with the mouse.
Or consider_ The cat ate the mouse.

Which now brings us back to your sentence.
At my level, above water I spot an admirable insect hovering the water, with wings appearing to big for its fragile body.

Try something like this: At my level, I spot an admirable insect hovering over the water, with wings appearing too big for its fragile body.

I hope I havn't confused you with this. *Up* It is merely trying to give you an understanding of what I did to correct this sentence for proper grammar.

*Check3* I notice that the already rationed sun light is beginning to grow dimer dimmer.

*Note5* There are still quite a few (i's) that I didn't pull out, but need to be capitalized within this story.

*Star**Idea*
"Suggestions/Ideas:"

I take a deep breath and my nostrils are filled passive voice with the smell of pine and what I imagine hope smells like.
Passive voice: For a livelier and more persuasive sentence, try using an active verb, where the subject performs the action rather than a passive verb where the subject receives the action.
Here is an example:
As I take in a deep breath, my nostrils fill with the smell of pine and what I imagine hope smells like.

*Note5* My biggest suggestion here would be to edit this with a word processor and then do a spell check.

*Note2* Please remember that these are simply my suggestions and ideas to help you improve where you think you may need it. You are free to use them or discard them. You are the author. *Smile*

*Bigsmile**Frown*
"Things I liked/disliked:"
I liked the entire description of a secret and almost hidden secluded spot, where one goes to get away from the rest of the world, even for just a few moments.

*Reading*
"Overall Comments:"
I thought this was a lovely little story, of peering into another's happy place, we'll call it. *Smile* I think everyone has one. I think you done a nice job trying to describe everything, but it does need a little fine tuning and cleaning up, then you should have a great story. I hope I have been of some help where you wanted or needed it. Keep writing, and thank you for sharing your work.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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2
2
Review of Come Back  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello BBrown , *Smile*

Thank you for your entry in the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1080979 by Not Available.


Wow, this was rather sad in nature, but brilliantly written. Your story is set and paragraphed neatly, for easy reading and understanding. I was rather intrigued by the first person point of view in this story. Mine have never really turned out quite so well. I commend you. *Smile*


My favorite line was: I chose a defensive stance, as I usually had with someone who caught my attention, believing beauty to be a weapon and often a facade for what's underneath.

And this line here:I watched the bad feelings take on the characteristics of a snowball, growing larger and larger as it tumbled down a hill. I thought this was a different and brilliant explanation. I will definitely remember it. *Smile*

This was a very nice read. Thank you for sharing it.

*Note2* Stay tuned for the announcement of the winners! *Note2*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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Don't forget to check out "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor




3
3
Review of how it happened..  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello erina , *Smile*

Thank you for your entry in the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1080979 by Not Available.

This story is well spoken in a narrative voice, relating to one character in particular, with some glitches on the side lines. *Smile* Although it was a good read, may I offer a hint of advise to make it a better read? Remove the extra space separation between each line of sentencing. Pull the sentences together to form paragraphs.
I hope you enjoy your stay here, and thank you for sharing your work. *Smile*


*Note2* Stay tuned for the announcement of the winners! *Note2*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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4
4
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Patricia Gilliam , *Smile*

Thank you for your entry in the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1080979 by Not Available.


What a wonderfully written story. Your story is very neatly displayed and packed with a good amount of visuals and senses for the reader to relate with. I loved the scene about the room festively decorated in crayon-colored Christmas trees and construction paper snowflakes. It was very real, and brought back some fond memories of my old school days. *Smile* Thank you for the great read!


*Note2* Stay tuned for the announcement of the winners! *Note2*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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5
5
Review of Dear Me  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Arihanthan , *Smile*

Author Notes: I've written this for a contest which requires to submit a letter written to self giving the personal New Year 2007 resolutions. And I would be indebted if you can give feedback on my dialogue writing.


*Flower3**Flower4*
Style: "Overall presentation of the story and development:"
*Confused* Frightening! You don't really talk with yourself like this on a day to day basis do you? *Laugh*

Your presentation in the lines of neatness seem to be very good. However...I think switching the italics from where you are using them, to where you are not using them, and vise-versa, it would be a much better read. (Sure hope you understood that). *Smile*

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
"Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:"
Your characters (your two selves), seem to be easy to follow along with and are understandable.

*Check3*The Basics:
"Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:"
Nothing too badly out of whack here. I did pull out a few typo's and some grammar issues for you to go over.

Take, atmost, another year (at most = two words)

“But…but what if after all this hardwork, I get rejected?” hard work

A flabbergasted prais-oholic person! Technically, this isn't a word, but strange and un-normal is good. Maybe if you spell it like this --> praise-a-holic it might at least look like a proper word. *Bigsmile*

*Check4*(grammar) who sits at his typewriter and tells to his wife

who sits at his typewriter and tells his wife or

who sits at his typewriter telling his wife

*Star**Idea*
"Suggestions/Ideas:"
You only pretty much set yourself one goal, and that is to simply write. Why not make it a little more interesting for yourself and add some different ways to accomplish this. For instance, maybe entering a few contest with prompts perhaps, to get the juices and ideas flowing. Or perhaps try playing with different genres and learning a little more about them. Make a list of new things to try on yourself. (These are just suggestions for you to ponder over, and use them how you like.)

*Bigsmile**Frown*
"Things I liked/disliked:"
I enjoyed your unusual concept of talking with yourself, it was quite humerus, *Smile* but I would have liked to seen a few other goals that you would like to set for yourself as well.

*Reading*
"Overall Comments:"
This was very different, and I enjoyed the read. Keep your chin up, keep writing, and thank you for sharing your letter to self and work with others here on WDC.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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6
6
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can honestly say that I am about speechless. This is one of the most beautiful pieces of work that I have encountered in here. It wasn't sad, it wasn't funny, it was simply an experience that one could only dream of having. The story was built around a vast amount of beautiful and fantastic images and senses, that I could completely embed myself into.
I found this by checking out the "Invalid Item"  contest, that I found in the contest forum. It was like I was magnetically drawn to it, and then this piece caught my eye. I am very pleased that it did. I will go to sleep remembering this entire story tonight.
Thank you for the most wonderful and peaceful experience in reading material.

Bless you,
Sincerely,
Terrie
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7
7
Review of Vieviel  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello shadowfinger *Smile*

*Snow2**Snow3**Snow1*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
The story presents itself very well in neatness, paragraphing and dialogue well formed for easy reading and comprehension. The authors voice is clear and strong, considering the character is cautious and uncertain. This has developed well, and has my senses wanting to learn more. Is there more of this to come? If so, A title (Land of Forever Night) seems more pulling to me, but that's just my opinion. *Smile*

*Gift1**Gift4*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The theme seems to be based on memories lost or there abouts. Not really seeing a plot except for the fact that the characters seems to want to find what he is missing. The dialogue between the characters is slim, but well written and easy to follow along with.

*Snow1**Gift2**Star*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
I can feel the characters presence even though they both seem sort of misty, but I can't see them. There are some very good visuals and a few senses within the scene, but maybe just not the right ones. I feel like I should be seeing the characters doing something. Walking a certain way, making some kind of motions, or reacting differently than most.

*Snow2**Star**Snow2*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
This section looked to be very well done. *Thumbsup*

*Snow3**Idea**Snow3*
Suggestions/Ideas:
Only maybe considering some of the ideas I mentioned above. But they are just my opinion and suggestions, and you're free to do with them as you wish. You are the author. *Smile*

*Gift2**Gift4*
Things I liked/disliked:
I kind of like the way it ended here, leaving the reader wondering what is forever night about and how it may have altered. But I was hoping that I would see hints of another chapter in the future. (hint,hint) *Bigsmile*

*Snow1**Reading**Snow1*
Overall Comments:
This was a great story. It completely pulled me in, wanting to read on and know more, right in the first paragraph. Usually something grabs me by the second or third, but this was right from the start. Great job!! *Smile*
Keep writing, and thank you for sharing your work.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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8
8
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello balrog *Smile*

*Snow2**Snow3**Snow1*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
This story presents itself well in neatness and spacing, making it easy for the reader to read and comprehend. The authors voice is clear and understandable throughout the entire piece. I felt the story developed in a timely manner for the most part. In the beginning I thought it was dragging just a bit, but as I continued, it pulled me in deeper and deeper, realizing that the narration was giving a complete look and feel of everything going on in and around the environment it was placed in. *Thumbsup*

*Gift1**Gift4*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The story is based on a young widow wanting to move on with her life, and wanting more than anything to rid herself of any death money her husband left behind. She finally meets a lawyer willing to help her long four year struggle with this dilemma, and then after succeeding, find there is a strange attraction situation.

*Snow1**Gift2**Star*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
Even though most of the story was in narration format, the characters were very much believable and visible throughout the story. The story line and scenes were packed with a vast amount of visuals and senses to completely put the reader right into the scene and being able to witness everything. *Thumbsup*

*Snow2**Star**Snow2*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
Most of this area looked very well done. A few small issues noted below. *Down*

She was a policyholder’s wife, a widow, he was old (nevermind older), she’d certainly want nothing of him. never mind (2 words)

“Allright then.” All right (2 words)

“Katherine….” He felt strange, as if he had no right to use her name. But he very well couldn’t do what he what he was about to using her dead husband’s. That, he was certain of, be it the only thing that made sense right now.

*Note2* I almost pulled out what I thought was a lot of other typo's, then pulled out my other dictionaries and found that they were British spellings and were correct. *Blush* BUT... *Smile* I also noticed many Mr.'s and Mrs.'s missing their punctuation, and I believe that even in the British spellings, they do contain punctuation. (Please feel free to correct me if I am wrong. I found nothing stating otherwise.)

*Snow3**Idea**Snow3*
Suggestions/Ideas:
None that I can think of except for suggesting making this go into a sequel. *Smile*

*Gift2**Gift4*
Things I liked/disliked:
I have to say I enjoyed everything about this story. It was captivating, held my interest, and pulled me completely into the scene and be able to feel the characters.

*Snow1**Reading**Snow1*
Overall Comments:
A well written story. I think you have found your niche when it comes to writing. This was very good, and something I havn't been able to do yet. I have this thing were I have to have lots of dialogue, even if it's talking to myself to achieve it. *Bigsmile*
Keep writing, and thank you for sharing your work.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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9
9
Review of Knives of Fury  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello The Venom Lord *Smile*

*Snow2**Snow3**Snow1*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
The story presents itself well in neatness, making it easier for the reader to read and comprehend. The authors voice is strong and understandable through the narration. The story seemed to have developed in a timely manner, nothing lingered too long nor was it rushed. I did however feel like this could be a rather large prologue to a longer, but short story, but with more characters actually speaking.

*Gift1**Gift4*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
Theme is a battle ground between the Irish and the Italians I think, but please correct me if I'm wrong. *Smile* I don't always catch everything. The plot was to concur and take over the land of Barkas. Only minute pieces of dialogue, the story is mostly narration.

*Snow1**Gift2**Star*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
The story lines and scenes were great, all packed with a bountiful amount of visuals and senses for the reader to see and feel. However, I didn't really get a good feel for the characters, almost as if I just couldn't see them up close.

*Snow2**Star**Snow2*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
This area looked to be well done.

*Snow3**Idea**Snow3*
Suggestions/Ideas:
This story feels like it needs more somehow someway. Maybe a sequel to it or something.

*Gift2**Gift4*
Things I liked/disliked:
I enjoyed the vast amount of rushed adrenalin I could see and feel with the imagery and senses.

*Snow1**Reading**Snow1*
Overall Comments:
I sort of felt like I was watching a silent movie with just the narrator speaking and sounds of yelling muted in the background. A good write none the less. Keep writing, and thank you for sharing your work.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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10
10
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Complexo , I'm back!! *Smile*

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
This chapter presents itself well in neatness, making it easy for the reader to read and comprehend. The authors voice remains strong and understandable. The chapter developed in a timely manner, no boredom, but did end before I thought it was going to.

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The theme stays the same, but the scene has switched over to where Seth has been hurt, out cold for a week, and has just learned of his past which makes him very upset. No plot yet, but I have thoughts that Seth will do anything in his power to destroy the Emperor. Dialogue between the characters is easy to understand and follow along with.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
Back down to two characters in this chapter, Seth and Cass. Both seemed to be very much believable in nature and actions. The storyline and scene is greatly portrayed with visuals and senses to keep the scene exciting, and for the reader to feel as though they are there. *Thumbsup*

*Star*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
Found just a couple of typo's in this chapter. *Smile*

Nighttime had fallen, and Seth was freezing; chilled to the bone with a nervous sweat. It all seemed so real…but it was a dream? I don't think this is supposed to end as a question, is it? *Smile*

You were in trouble, and those final two Llendak would have finished you so I did the only think thing I could think of.”

The rags over his thigh were gone now, and sand poured into the open would wound with each step.


*Note1**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:
None that I can think of.

*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
I was a little surprised and upset at how far Seth must have ran, because Cass isn't in the scene in the end of this chapter. Now I am wondering if Seth will turn around and go back toward Cass, or if Cass will try to catch up with Seth.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
I am still enjoying this story very much. Chapter three was not quite as exciting, but it picked right back up in chapter four, which is great! I can't wait to read farther. Please, PLEASE, let me know when the next chapter is up and ready to read. I'm hooked!! *Smile*
Keep writing, and thank you for sharing your work.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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11
11
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Complexo , me again, *Smile*

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
The story is keeping with it's appearance of neatness. The authors voice remains clear and understandable. I did feel the development of this chapter was a little hasty. Kind of short.

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The theme is still the same with the scene mostly pointing to the Emperor, what he was about and doing, and what his thoughts and plans of action are next in line. The Emperor has learned of Seth being close by and has ordered his men to fetch him, before his plans are foiled. I was able to read and understand the dialogue in this chapter, but I had some trouble trying to place who was who and how many people there actually were.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
The characters in this chapter felt real, but different somehow. I wasn't able to follow them as well as in the other chapters. How many characters were actually conversing with the Emperor? I think that is what I had trouble following. The storyline and scene wasn't bad, but didn't hold as much excitement for some reason. The visuals were there, but I think it had too much dialogue and not enough other stuff to really get into the scene of things.

*Star*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
This area looked good.

*Note1**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:
I honestly feel as though this chapter could have some more involvement somehow. I don't exactly know how or where, maybe something showing the reader how many men are in this particular room and what they might be doing.

*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
Chapter 3 of the story felt kind of flat to me. It was short for the most part, and I really thought it could have had a little more action somewhere.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
This is still a good story, but I felt like I was fading away in this chapter. Maybe it's just a restful period before the next one? *Smile* Anyway, the story did capture my attention from the beginning, and I will continue on to see where it leads next. Keep writing, and thank you for sharing your work.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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12
12
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello again Complexo

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
Again, the presentation of neatness is great, easy to read and understand throughout the story. The authors voice is clear with all details, including the different characters. The development of this chapter ended where I felt it should have, and there should now be a scene change in the beginning of the next chapter.

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
Chapter 2 was mostly formulated around Cass and Seth going into an unexpected battle together against the Llendak, a group of greedy little vermin men who are the Emperor's personal army. Still too early for the plot. The dialogue between the characters is well formed, placed, and easy to understand and follow.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
Again, the characters played well, and were clearly defined and understandable. The storyline and scenes were packed with a great amount of visuals and senses for the reader to feel like a part of the story. *Thumbsup*

*Star*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
Everything in this section looks great!

*Note1**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:
None at this time.

*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
I enjoyed the fast paced action in this chapter. Even though things were kind of jumping around, I was still able to follow the entire scene like I was filming a movie or watching it first hand.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
I found chapter 2 to be just as well as the first chapter. This is not my usual taste in stories, but I'm really getting into this one. This is great! You definitely got my attention. *Smile*
Keep writing, and thank you for sharing your work.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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13
13
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Complexo *Smile*

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
I found the presentation of neatness very well, making it easy for the reader to read and comprehend. The authors voice is clear and understandable. The first chapter seems to have developed in a timely fashion, giving the reader all the basics needed to understand what the story is about and where it is going. *Thumbsup*

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The theme is based on a young slave boy, sold on the black market to a well-to-do merchant. Too early for a plot yet, but I did get the feeling that a gentleman named Cass is about to change the lads life somehow. The dialogue between the characters is clear, understandable, and easy to follow along with and relate to.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
The characters already feel very real and I feel as like I almost know them first hand. The storyline and scenes are filled with great visuals of the characters and surroundings, as well as senses.

*Star*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
This area is very well done.

*Note1**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:
None at this time.

*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
As of being only on chapter 1, so far I am just simply enjoying the wonderful scenery, why following along to see what is about to happen to Seth.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
A very enjoyable first chapter. I almost feel like I'm reading an advanced form of Aladdin, or something close to it. *Smile* I am already anxious to get to the next chapter to see what Cass has up his sleeve for Seth.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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14
14
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello ocy *Smile*

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
I found the authors voice to be strong and understood throughout the piece, and I thought everything seemed to take place in a timely manner. I don't feel it is necessary to break the story down into chapters though. It's really not all that long. I also feel that presentation of the story needs some work. Mostly because of grammar, punctuation, and POV issues throughout the piece, which I explain in further detail down below. *Down*

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The theme is based on remembering back to a childhood, where everything went wrong, not once, but twice. The plot that opened in the end regarding the dad being the wrong parent was quite unexpected. The dialogue was easy to follow along with as to which person was doing the speaking, but would have been more visual as they approached, if they were put within quotations. (" ")

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
The characters felt real while reading the story, with a lot of emotions to back them up. I also found that the storyline and scenes had a good many visuals and senses to bring the story to life. *Thumbsup*

*Star*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
Most of what I found in here were grammar, punctuation, and POV issues. Paragraph structure and most of the spelling looked to be pretty good.

Of all people, Isabelle Gordon won the most coveted price in the law faculty…. Did you mean prize instead of price?

Once I stood up that stage, I looked at the crowd. Missing the word (on).

I let the tears which I’ve hided all this years run freely.
I let the tears which I've hidden all these years run freely.

I still have not repay him for whatever that he’s done for me.
I still have not re-payed him for whatever he’s done for me.

Why does he has to take such a long time.
Why does he have to take such a long time.

After all this years how dare she has the audacity to write to me.
After all these years, how dare she have the audacity to write to me.

Usually our house will be filled by laughters.
Usually our house would be filled by laughter.

After that, I helped her bath.(bathe) She was playing with the bubbles when she suddenly asked me, A period at the end of (me.)

It’s just a fit of anger against Dad that made her left leave.

Days after days Day after day his health deteriotated deteriorated as a result of working too hard…

tried his best to feel fill up the empty space that Nat had left…

There are still quite a few grammar and punctuation issues that I did not pull out and place here. There are far too many.

*Note1**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:

*Note2* I noticed a lot of POV (point of view) issues in this story. Sometimes you are speaking in the present tense and other times you are speaking in the past tense. Sometimes all in the same sentences.


*Note3* Get rid of all the (...'s) at the end of all your sentences, and just end them with periods.(.) For 1 reason, it looks like all your sentences are wide open or out in left field. Reason 2, they tend to get distracting after awhile to the reader.

This here, is a good example of POV issues that I found in just one paragraph section. PLUS some grammar issues, AND all those .....'s.*Smile* *Down**Down*


Each morning before going to school I had to make breakfast for Gabriel and Calvin. When I come back, I had to mop the floors, clean the dishes, and do the laundry… When I’m done with all these works, I had to do my schoolwork…At times, I was just too tired and fell asleep…The next day, Miss Honey will punish me for not doing my schoolwork…

*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
I was saddened to see Isabel's feelings change toward her father like they did. I still don't quite understand how and why she blames her father in the end.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
This really is a good and very emotional story. But it needs a lot of editing and cleaning up. It has all the basics of a wonderful write, but I think with a little TLC, it will be fantastic! I hope I have been of some help where you wanted it to be. Thank you for sharing it. *Smile*
If you would like me to come back and give it another read after you have edited it, just ask. I would be glad to.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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15
15
Review of The Dream  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Dave *Smile*

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
This story presents itself well in neatness, making it easy to read and comprehend. The authors voice is clear and understanding. I did however feel that the story was a little too short in developing. It has the basics, but could use a little more depth. I will discuss this more, below in the suggestion area. *Down*

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
I understood the theme and plot as a young child wanting to save the music after learning of a plane crash. That part was okay, but I felt it needs more leading up to this decision. The dialogue between the characters was clear and easy to follow along with.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
I could see that characters were there, but I didn't get to know them. The storyline and scenes were good, but I have provided some ideas on what could liven up the story a little, below in the suggestion area. *Down*

*Star*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
This area looked to be very good. *Smile*

“You’re just excited about that concert tonight, Dear. Now eat your oatmeal before it gets cold.” dear

*Note1**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:
*Note1*Maybe you could describe what the mornings/day were like. What season did this take place? Was it a sunny day, or rainy?

*Note2*How old is Billy? What does he do with his time? Is he a quiet child? What does he look like? Is Billy a small child, or of normal height for his age? Does he wear glasses, perhaps like his idle Buddy Holly?

*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
I enjoyed how Billy was inspired by something he heard on the radio, and how he wanted to do something about it.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:

This is an adorable story to read. But it is kept very simple. Perhaps too simple. In most cases, a reader likes to get to know the characters just a little. This story has two basic characters, a little boy named Billy and his mother. What I'm getting at is, I honestly believe that if you worked with this story just a little, and added a few things that I mentioned in the suggestion area, this could be very grand indeed! I hope I have been of some help where you may have wanted it. Please remember that these have been simply just my suggestions, and you're free to do with them as you wish. *Smile*
Thank you for sharing your work.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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16
16
Review of Life Skills  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello again, equalchance *Smile*

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
Again, your chapter presents itself well in neatness and is easy to read and comprehend. The authors voice is clear in relaying the message they are trying to get across to the reader. I felt this chapter was of good length, but had an abrupt finish.

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The theme has not wavered from explaining to the reader about the life and times of a young boy growing up in foster care. Only one small section of dialogue, but was clearly written and easy to comprehend.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
The characters continue to feel very real in both visual and sense aspects. The storyline and scenes contribute well with clearly written visuals, senses, and other emotions.

*Star*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
This area looked quite good as usual. Like I mentioned way back in the beginning of this story, I'm not the best at the changes with British spellings, and I do my best, but I think I pulled a couple that may or may not need fixing. *Smile*

He had an expressionless, gormless did you perhaps mean (formless)? and vacant expression most of the time.

They appeared too big for his face, they hung precariously and lobbed lop-sided?(meaning cockeyed) (Lobbed means to propel in a high arc.) sided off his nose.

They just seemed to float around and exist in the house, like spectres specters?, barely interacting, silently surviving and waiting to be moved.

I placed an old jumper placed over them so Chris couldn’t find and destroy. Not quite sure how you wanted to word this, but something doesn't quite look right here. *Smile*

I can’t recall at exactly want what point, but I started to use them.

I would use a variety of sharp objects, more often the blade from my pencil sharpener or sometimes things like unravelled unraveled paper clips.

*Note1**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:
None at this time.

*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
I admire the honesty portrayed within this story. The reader not only sees it within the words, but can feel it as well.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
The brief explanation of this story is very correct. It is very deep, encased with extreme emotional circumstances. Please let me know when you have the next chapter up. I would like to continue to read this story in its entirety.
Thank you for sharing.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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17
17
Review of Contacts  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello again, equalchance

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
As with the other chapters of this story, this too is well constructed in a neat manner, making for easy reading and understanding. The authors voice remains clear as they narrate the life story of a young boy. I felt a little cut off or short changed on this chapter a little. It ended kind of on an abrupt note. Is there more?

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The theme does not waver from the author describing a young boys life with foster care. It escalates productively and in a timely manner.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
The characters are still feeling very real as the story progresses, but it was a little harder trying to get a feel for John and Linda. My guess is because that is how the boy felt as well. The storyline and scenes are still very visible and have senses of the atmosphere surrounding what is happening.

*Star*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
I had spotted a great deal of typos in the letter portion of this story, but nowhere else. So I'm assuming that they are meant to be there?

*Note1**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:
This will be just a suggestion, and you're free to do what ever with it. The word silence within the paragraph feels empty. And yet it does represent something all its own. Silence. Why not put brackets around it or something. Have a look below at the variations.

Silence. Pauline carefully and slowly folded the letter back up and placed it in the envelope. She handed it to me. I laid it on my lap almost frightened to touch it in case it evaporated. “How do you feel Robert?” Silence.

[Silence]. Pauline carefully and slowly folded the letter back up and placed it in the envelope. She handed it to me. I laid it on my lap almost frightened to touch it in case it evaporated. “How do you feel Robert?” [Silence].

This line reads a little awkward: I wondered how far London was away?
Maybe try something like this: I wondered how far away London was.



*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
I have to say I like the display of words reflecting what things looked like, felt like, and smelled like. For instance: You could go for hours without seeing another soul. It reminded me of one of those very old type schools that rich children went to. There was always a musty, old kind of smell, which reminded me of my Grans old Wardrobes in her bedroom. These sentences are packed full of many emotions and senses all wrapped into one, to give the reader a hands-on sort of feel to the place.


*Reading*
Overall Comments:
Even though this story is quite sad, it has the tendency to still keep pulling the reader deeper and deeper into it. I already feel as though I'm reading the biography of the author, and want to keep turning the pages to see how they eventually coped with everything.

Thank you for sharing it, and I hope there is more to come.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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18
18
Review of Riches to Rags  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
{hello equalchance

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
The stories presentation continues with neatness and easy to read and understand. The authors voice is strong and clear at describing the events taking place. It seems to be developing/progressing in a timely manner, not dragging out the scenes, but yet letting the reader understand as much of what is happening as possible.

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The theme is the ongoing story about a young boy being raised by the Care System, more commonly known as foster care. So far we are working on the third set of foster parents, right after the child just started to feel comfortable.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
Even though this is a narrated piece, I can relate to each and every one of these characters. The storyline and scenes are strong, giving a great realism to all the characters. I was able to see them, feel their emotions, and be able to place myself within the story and watch each scene take place.

*Star*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
This area looks to be well edited. I found nothing out of place.

*Note1**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:
None that I can think of as of yet, within the story.

*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
I enjoyed the fact that the child was beginning to develop a security, and maybe come out of his shell just a little.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
This story is very deep and emotional. I am finding it written well enough to be able to relate with the child and almost feel what he is going through. It makes me want to reach in and give the child a hug of comfort and console him.

Thank you for sharing your story.
Best wishes,
Terrie
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19
19
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
This chapter presents itself well in neatness, making it easy for the reader to read and comprehend. The authors voice is clear and always understandable.

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
Teenage students coping through life in their own ways. Trying to figure out their roles in life while also competing with each other with class projects. The dialogue between the characters is very clear and understandable, and very easy to follow along with.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
Your characters are so impressively real. I can completely visualize each and every scene and action that these kids are doing. The story line is staying great with the first couple of chapters, all containing wonderful visuals and senses to engulf into while almost placing yourself within the story.

*Star*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
This area looked to be well edited and gone over. I think I saw 2 typo's at best.

*Note1**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:
None as of yet. I think this story is coming along great.

*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
I would have liked to learn just a couple minutes more about the girls shower room and what they did to the boys, but the next two scenes kind of made up for it. *Smile*

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
This is an enjoyable story that I have been reading right along, chapter by chapter. I always try to wonder what the kids are going to come up with or get into next. Go ahead and send me the next chapter. I would normally go to it from here, but I have some other reviews to do, and by then I will probably forget. *Smile* This is great! Keep up the good work.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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20
20
Review of The First Year  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello And Stuff *Smile*

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:

The story in itself seemed to develop in a good length, showing the reader how the story came about and then escalated into a good plot and turnout in the end. The presentation of neatness and clarity of the story needs a little work, as well as the voice. Paragraphing is quite choppy. You will find further help with this in the suggestion area below. *Down*

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:

The classroom scenes and how they developed in the end where good and realistic in most aspects. Could have used a few more visuals and senses. The plot worked out very well. Dialogue between the characters is kind of choppy and hard to follow along with in some areas. Suggestions on how to break them down will be in the suggestion area.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:

I knew the characters where there and I could even feel them at times, with things that were taking place. But I had trouble getting a visual about them. What do they look like? How do they dress? How do they act?
The story line is exciting, learning about a students activities throughout the day, and things that persuade them to react or think differently about how they foreseen something in the beginning.
I could see the scene changes within the story, but they need to be broken down into a clearer view for comprehension.

*Star*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:

The spelling area looked good here, as well as most punctuation. The grammar and paragraphing need a little working out though. More on this below, also in the suggestion area.



"I have your names on slips of paper and I'm going to draw two and the two that I draw will interview eachother 2 words."


*Note1**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:
The way your story opens, does not attract my senses. It feels weak. BUT, I think with some rearranging just a little, might help in that situation. *Smile* Have a look below *Down* and notice the changes I've made.

(The original way.)
It was the first day of classes. She sat down in her English class. The teacher stood up and introduced herself and then dove right into the first assignment. She was no normal teacher. "Class, the first assignment is going to be a speech whereby you introduce another member of the class to the rest of the class." The girl looked up.

"Oh great" she thought.

"I have your names on slips of paper and I'm going to draw two and the two that I draw will interview eachother." The girl rolled her eyes. "Grace Trevensa." The teacher called. It was her name. "And, Jack Scuvinsky" Grace turned and saw Jack.

"Why couldn't she have picked Jenny?" Grace thought. Grace got up and walked over to the table where Jack sat.

(Changed version.) *Down*

"Class, the first assignment is going to be a speech whereby you introduce another member of the class to the rest of the class."

It was the first day of classes. When Grace sat down in her English class, the teacher stood up to introduced herself and then dove right into the first assignment. She was no normal teacher.

Grace looked up. "Oh great!" she thought.

"I have your names on slips of paper and I'm going to draw two at a time, and each of the two that I draw will interview each other." Grace rolled her eyes. "Grace Trevensa and Jack Scuvinsky", the teacher called. Grace turned and saw Jack.

"Why couldn't she have picked Jenny?" Grace thought. Then she got up and walked over to the table where Jack sat.


Friday came around finally. Classes were over for the day. Grace went back to her dorm and logged onto Instant Messenger. Her best friend from home was on.

Friday finally came around, and classes were over for the day. Grace went back to her dorm and logged onto Instant Messenger. Her best friend from home was on.

Grace went through her classes and got back to her dorm at about 3:10. Jack knocked on her door about 5 minutes later. He must of have looked up her dorm room number on College Friends, a website somewhat similar to Myspace. (this is purely a fictional website) They worked on how they were going to work out their newscast and looked up the weather in their hometowns. They added some humour to the weather report. The whole time they were laughing and cracking jokes. *Down*

They added some humour to the weather report while laughing and cracking jokes the entire time.

(This paragraph needs breaking down in order to read and understand it properly.)*Down*

Flashback. Last Semester. First day of Freshman orientation. She sat down in the chapel for the president's speech. A tall brown eyed, brown haired guy sat next to her. "Hi, I'm Kyle." "I'm Grace." "Nice to meet you Grace." The president's speech was given and Grace and Kyle shook hands and went separate ways. Only to bump into each other in Grace's dorm.
"Hi." Kyle said. "Hi." Grace answered. "You want cake? I have some that I know I won't finish by myself." Grace's birthday was that day and she had gotten a cake from her parents some club on campus made when people ordered it.
"Sure." Kyle answered.
Grace cut some cake and she and Kyle talked and talked and talked. They bumped into eachother at the opening ceremonies at the church across the street.
They bumped into eachother several times. Then the night of homecoming dance came. Grace was coming back to her dorm room from working on the set. Kyle was just walking out of Frimmels from talking to another friend of his.


Flashback. Last Semester, first day of Freshman orientation. She sat down in the chapel for the president's speech. A tall brown eyed, brown haired guy sat next to her.

"Hi, I'm Kyle."

"I'm Grace."

"Nice to meet you Grace."

The president's speech was given and Grace and Kyle shook hands and went their separate ways, only to bump into each other later in Grace's dorm.

"Hi again." Kyle said.

"Hi." Grace answered. "You want cake? I have some that I know I won't finish by myself." Grace's birthday was that day and she had gotten a cake from her parents.

"Sure." Kyle answered.

Grace cut some cake and she and Kyle talked and talked. After Kyle had gone, they continued to bumped into each other several times. Once at the opening ceremonies at the church across the street, and then again the night of the homecoming dance. Grace had been going back to her dorm room from working on the set, and Kyle was just walking out of Frimmels from talking to another friend of his.

*Note1* Do away with the (*****) scene breaks that you have throughout the story. To be honest, they are distracting and sometimes annoying to the reader. Instead, just break down your scenes into paragraphs, yet also remembering to break down and separate dialogue of characters.

*Note1* Try combining those short sentences into longer and more meaningful ones. Give them some depth, maybe a few extra visuals to speak of like tapping feet on the floor, or waving a hand around, (hand gestures), little things like that.*Smile*



*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
I enjoyed learning how the students figured out how to make something rather boring into something quite fun, interesting, and enjoyable.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
This was a fun story to read. It has most of the basics, but I believe with a little work, brushing up, and editing, it could be a blast. I hope I have been of some help where you may have wanted it, and you don't give up on it. It really is a good story that just needs polishing. *Smile* Thank you for sharing it.

Best wishes,
Terrie
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21
21
Review of 1st Departure  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello equalchance *Smile*

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:

The initial presentation of the story is well written. The story opens with a small prologue about the author and then some of the events that are about to take place in the story. The first chapter then begins to unfold, with neatness in paragraphing structure for easy reading and comprehension. The authors voice is precise and strong while telling of events. The development seems to be a good length for an open chapter. Not letting the reader know everything right off the bat, but gives kind of an introduction as to how things unraveled.

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:

The theme of the story is written around and about a small child being raised by care givers in hopes to have some normalcy in life. No plot as of yet. The dialogue between the characters is clear and understandable.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:

The characters feel and act very real. I could see them and relate to them. The storyline is bold with true to life actions. The scenes are very well explained with visuals and senses to bring the story and characters to life.

*Note1*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:

Nothing too drastic in this section spelling wise. Paragraph structure was good. I did however stumble across many grammar issues with run-on sentences and punctuation issues regarding capitalizations within the middle of sentences.

I remember my Gran on the phone in a panicky voice complaining that she thought my mother had “done a runner” and wouldn’t coming (be) should be between wouldn't and coming. back for me - again.

I sensed that she represented something threatening to me, she ended up speaking to my Gran in the Kitchen in hushed voices – not that I cared. This is kind of a run-on sentence and would be better separated into two sentences.

She sat down close to me for ages on the couch and I think she told me things that my Gran had already said – she looked and smelt clean. And so did the car in which she took me away from my Gran’s house. These are very good thoughts and descriptions, but the formatting is off. How about something like this: *Down*
She sat down close to me on the couch for what seemed like ages, and I think she told me things that my Gran had already said. She looked and smelt very clean, and so did the car in which she took me away from my Gran’s house.


but far too late to stop me creating at trail of devastation and pain in many people’s lives.

but far too late to stop me from creating a trail of devastation and pain in many people’s lives.


Especially, any news regarding my mother or Gran. Through pretending not to listen I found out a lot of precious information. My mother was in prison, “finally” put down for “Knifing” one of her “customers” for his money. The “customer” nearly died, she had stabbed him in the eye and my mother was sentenced to three and a half years in prison. She had also had a miscarriage. My “case” had apparently gone to court and I was to remain in long term care, “all parties agreed”, apparently. Who these parties were I had no idea. I overheard some talk of adoption but that I would be “terribly difficult, if not impossible to place”. The quotations around the underlined words don't belong. Quotations are already being used as dialogue between the characters, and here they are not used for dialogue. If you want to emphasize certain words to make a deeper connection with them, try using ( ' ) or italics. <-- Just a suggestion.

I had actually seen my Gran three times whist whilst? at Barry and Judith’s.

Looking back, I can certainly say I never loved them or even felt for them in any way real way.

*Star**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:

*Note1* There needs to be some clean-up of all those quotation marks around the words that are not spoken dialogue.

*Note1* I noticed quite a few punctuation typo's such as capitals in the middle of sentences.

*Note1* Maybe check out those run-on sentences and break them down a little better.

Please remember that these are just suggestions, and you should do with them as you wish or see fit. You are the author. *Smile*

*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:

I enjoyed and could feel the realism as this story unfolds. There is nothing that I dislike about the story except for the fact that this stuff really happens.

*Reading*
Overall Comments: This story is packed with a lot of emotions of a child being raised by strangers. The events and how they played out are well put together and laid out for the reader. I think you have a great story going here, and with a little cleaning up of the grammar and punctuation, I think you'll have it licked. I hope I have been of some help. Nice work!! *Smile*

Keep writing, and thank you for sharing your work.

Best wishes,
Terrie
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
22
22
Review of A Change in Faith  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jessie *Smile*

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
The authors voice is strong with careful planning of events. The story developed in a timely fashion with only 2/3 main scenes taking place. I did however feel that the presentation could be brought out stronger with the suggestions I have provided below *Down* in the suggestion area.

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The theme of Lucas believing in his faith was strong throughout the story, and the plot proved strong that he also had to believe in himself and get rid of any burdens holding him back from completely accepting the Lord and His works.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
The character of Lucas played out very real in nature. The reader gets a short glimpse as to what he is like and what he looks like. The storyline and scenes hold some good visuals and senses of the event that took place.

*Note1*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
This area looked to be fine.

*Star**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:
My first suggestion would be to break the story apart paragraph wise. I can see the paragraph changes, but with them all pushed together, it gives the appearance of one really big paragraph, and it's also a little harder to comprehend all the changes taking place.

My second suggestion: This is just a suggestion for you to ponder over, but I think it would open the story in a more intense and strong approach. Open the story with the third paragraph. Something intense/strong that catches the eye of the reader. Then go back and add the first two paragraphs, and finally adding the rest in the order in which you have them. *Note1* For this to take place more properly, you would have to add: His eyes soon found their way back to the chalkboard within that second paragraph.

*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
I kind of enjoyed how Lucas knew took look to the Bible and prayer for his healing and release.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
This was very much an inspirational story, and sort of makes one think, is it really going to happen like that? Thank you for sharing your work, and I hope my ideas and suggestions are helpful to you. *Smile*

Best wishes,
Terrie
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
23
23
Review of Alone with Lana  
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello ellis *Smile*

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
I thought the story presented itself well in neatness making it easy for the reader to understand and comprehend. The authors voice is clear, short and right to the point in most areas. The story developed in a timely manner without making unnecessary adventures to throw the reader off.

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The story unfolds about a young innocent girl who finds her way into a bit of trouble with some boys, unknowing what she was getting herself into. The plot emerges releasing what is about to take place in the little room without saying a word in regards to it. It didn't have to. The visuals told the story.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
Most of the story was narrated, but what I got from the few characters, it was pretty much believable. I would have liked to seen a little more visual and understanding about the Bishop though. The storyline and scenes were great. It was well pictured with an abundance of visuals that basically showed most of the story. *Thumbsup*

*Note1*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
This area looked to be well done.

*Star**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:
My only possible suggestion would be to bring the Bishop into a deeper view and understanding to the reader. He felt more like a shadow than a person.

*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
I mostly enjoyed the visuals, especially the walk down the street. The part that felt a little creepy to me was the fact that it didn't seem like the girl knew what was going on or what was about to happen to her in the little room.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
A well thought out story with deep details of events and their outcomes. You have a very good understanding of how to show the reader what the story is about and what's taking place, rather than just telling them. *Thumbsup**Thumbsup* You do well. Keep up the good work, and thank you for sharing it.

Best wishes,
Terrie
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
24
24
Review by Charmin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello RisanF *Smile*

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
As usual, the story presents itself well in regards to neatness, making it easy for the reader to read and comprehend. The authors voice is strong and clear. The story developed nicely for a one day scene to take place, showing in good detail all the events of the day.

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The ongoing theme of teenagers working out their plans for a school project. No plot yet, other than each one is trying to come up with the best idea. All dialogue between the characters is well written, and easy to relate with and distinguish the character.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
The characters are great. Very believable and each has their own distinctive traits that the reader picks up on quickly in the story. The scenes hold a vast amount of visuals and senses to work with that make the story feel real and up to date. *Thumbsup*

*Note1*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:
This area looked well done and edited.

*Star**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:

"Die, evildoer!" he cried out as his pants loosened around the waist, running off from the right onto the baseball field.
This here sentence sounds like his pants are running onto the baseball field. How about something like this:
"Die, evildoer!" he cried out, while running off from the right his pants loosened around the waist as he got to the baseball field. This was just a suggestion, and may not be the right one, but maybe play with the sentence a little and something will come to mind. *Smile*



*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:

"Some syrup to go with your waffle, Andy-boy?" I have heard a lot of cliches, but this was very different and fits the story greatly. I also enjoy how the story leaves off right before the next grand adventure.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
This story sends me back to my own old school days, and the events and actions between the different students feel very realistic. I will be waiting patiently for chapter three. *Smile* Thank you for sharing your work.

Best wishes,
Terrie
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
25
25
Review of Painter Babu  
Review by Charmin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Arihanthan *Smile*

*Flower4*
Style: Overall presentation of the story, the authors voice, and development:
The story presents itself well in neatness, making it easy for the reader to read and comprehend. The authors voice is strong and understandable. I thought the story developed in a well fit and timely manner, letting the reader learn and understand everything about this painter, yet not going overboard with it.

*Thumbsup**Thumbsdown*
Content: Theme, plot, and dialogue:
The theme was based on understanding someone's art work, and piece together the meanings behind them. I'm not sure if it's right or wrong, but what I got from the plot was, look back behind you and see the picture from which you have just left, and try to get an understanding of what it is relaying to you.
Most of the story was narrative in nature, but the small amounts of dialogue were understandable and easy to relate with.

*Laugh**Shock**Worry**Delight*
Your Characters/ Storyline / Story Scenes:
I got a visual on 2 characters in the story. One being an artist, making his work relate around his feelings and what he perceives in life. The other was the admirer of the artist, trying to get an understanding of them and their work. The storyline and scenes were basically of one in nature, but greatly done with inspiring visuals and senses.

*Note1*
The Basics: Spelling, grammar, paragraph structure, and punctuation:

But today I feel triumphant. May be I do not what exactly painter babu wanted to convey but if I were the man in the painting I knew what it was.

But today I feel triumphant. Maybe I do not know what exactly painter Babu wanted to convey, but if I were the man in the painting I would know what it was.

And before I could hold here her she was gone, into the oblivion.

*Star**Idea*
Suggestions/Ideas:

As I was silently admiring “Meaning of Life”,(Maybe you could use ' ' instead of "", because you are already using ""'s to show that someone is speaking.) my mind was lurching through the memory lane. Painter Babu, as he was fondly called by the whole mohallah*, This should probably be capitalized if it is a name. never believed in modern art. In fact, he hated it. “If I have to use words to explain my painting the whole purpose gets defeated” would be his modest answer to a “why”.

As I was silently admiring 'Meaning of Life', my mind was lurching through the memory lane. Painter Babu, as he was fondly called by the whole Mohallah*, never believed in modern art. In fact, he hated it. “If I have to use words to explain my painting the whole purpose gets defeated” would be his modest answer to a “why”.



*Bigsmile**Frown*
Things I liked/disliked:
I enjoyed the indebt visual of the paintings of the artist.

*Reading*
Overall Comments:
I thought this was a well done and well explained piece. I got a lot out of it. Keep up the good work, and thank you for sharing it. *Smile*

Best wishes,
Terrie
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