Hey, I really like your style in this one - very distinctive.
Your descriptions stand out because of their unusual composition. This had a great effect, especially in the scene of carnage towards the end. It was kind of dream like, maybe more nightmare than dream though. Definitely some pretty writing though not a pretty image.
The characters are both interesting. Wolf seems rather self obsessed from this piece. He considered himself an artist, but spent more time drinking and showed no remorse at what he had done, seeking only to ensure his own safety. Hannah appears to have assumed his guilt somehow.
I liked your use of different senses in the piece, vision, cool touch and tropical heat. These bring the story to life.
I liked that opening paragraph, an exciting start.
You showed a keen sense for the dramatic with this one. Wynona’s plight is quite harrowing, we find ourselves immediately rooting for her.
Not sure there is much more to say about this one. The writing is up to your usual high standards and you succeed in portraying the emotion very well. The pace kept things interesting and the ending provided a sharp slap to the reader.
I'm an honest reviewer, so I'll start off by saying I didn't enjoy this one quite as much as I've enjoyed your other works. The main theme isn't really to my personal tastes and I felt it was a little long and laboured some of it's points a little. Its point being that Religions, Baptist Christianity in this case, use Hell and other threats to frighten people. The other main point was that it takes more than reading the bible and going to church to be a Christian. These were both good points, but I did experience repetition at times.
Saying that, it was very well written. The narrative voioce was excellent. It was a believable account from a young boy's perspective. Your opening paragraph worked well too, prviding an introduction to the character and a sense of mystery. I did feel there was a lack of tension and mystery from that point on, but that probably wasn't the type of story. I also liked the touches of humour. They helped with the characterisation and made for a more interesting read, providing respite from some of the more serious aspects of the tale.
'Both Li'l and Billy Royce turned and looked at me like I was somebody's little brother.' This was possibly my favourite line in the piece. Humourous and a nice turn of phrase.
"I guess I do. It's in the Bible. So's Heaven. I'd rather think about heaven." I felt this line was quite key to this part of the story and the characterisation of the father.
Overall this a finely crafted and well written tale. The characterisation stands out above the story for me. Maybe others will feel differently.
Suggestions
'Before 1 knew it, I was in the woods, staring at the chicken coop. "Cursed be anybody who steals my eggs.” But 1 didn't steal his eggs. 1 didn't get close to his old eggs. What was 1 so worried about.' In this section you seem to have used the one key instead of I in places. I found it a bit off putting when reading, and wondered how this had occured.
At one point Jody uses the incorrect grammar 'Billy Royce, L'il and me' I felt this fit the narrative tone well, however he later uses a correct version '...L'il and I' I felt you shoul change this for consistency.
"80[,] you came back," I felt this should at least have a comma, if not an exclamation mark. I also wondered why he was calling him 80?
“You like it when the good wins out[,] then." I'd put a comma in there. I also wasn't sure if this should be a statement or a question.
"J.D., can you give Jody a ride to take this food to Mr. Thomas.n < There's a random 'n' at the end of this line.
Great opening section. You introduce the character really well.
'raising the “Five Sprouts”' I chose this line as an example of the detail you've added to this piece to help bring it to life. Giving the character distinctive phrases like this really helps the reader connect with him, as well as making for a more interesting read.
Yikes, that took a surprising turn. Great job.
I loved how your gentle tone gave the reader a sense of comfort and security. You fit in some effective character development, especially for such a short piece. The story really flows along quite naturally, something always to be admirred.
I really enjoyed this, it thoroughly deserved its win.
Suggestions
'The one exception was the sickles and scythes' Great allitereation there, but I think you need to amend this slightly: 'The only exceptions were the sickles and scythes '
Do I call this a chilling read? Yes, I think I shall.
Great story telling here. You made wonderful use of detail to bring it to life. Everything seemed realistic.
The characterisation was also very well done. It’s not always easy to make the reader connect with these well-off yuppie types, but you managed it well without resorting to obvious ploys like humour or other character gimmicks.
I really enjoyed reading this one from start to finish. The pacing and sense of inevitable peril was spot on.
'the trees competed in a riot of gold and crimson.' That's a beautiful line.
Suggestions
"Like the Loch Ness," Get that 'the' out of there. Like Loch Ness. Also, I'll just point out that Loch Ness is long and Narrow, you can easily see the other side at any point, unless it's really misty. I guess Ian hasn't been there, though.
'with a wrinkled face and thinning gray hair and dressed in a plaid cotton shirt and overalls.' Hmm, quite a few ands in that line. It seems deliberate, I just thought I'd point it out.
'The air grew more chill each day,' I'm not quite sure about this one. Should it be Chilly? Or is this a cultural difference.
'as the flames of the fire danced, warming them with its heat' I'm not sure about this one either. It could be 'its heat', refering to the fire, but I'd have put 'their heat', refering to the flames.
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Well, you sure went the whole hog with that love story with an unhappy ending. Admirable use of the prompt.
The opening paragraph stands out as the strongest of the piece. That single word first sentence. The repetition of the title.
I liked the theme of love as a redemptive force in the story. It's not clear exactly what bright light Lily saw in the narrator, but there must have been something, that much is clear. This was an effective technique to use in such a short piece.
It may have been tempted to add a touch of irony by having the robbers be drug addicts trying to fund their habbit, but you didn't take this route.
Overall an interesting and touching read. Well done.
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You certainly misdirected the reader with this one. We’re sure Diana is going to plunge from the ice mountainside at any moment.
I liked the way you built it up.
You made good use of heart-breaking imagery at the end, too.
You played around with a few clichés in the piece such as holding doors or helping on with a coat, but you also managed to add a few more personal touches to lift the piece a little. Good work.
I enjoyed reading this. One criticism I might have is that the majority of the characterisation is focused on Jared, rather than Diana, we’d feel even more for her at the end if we’d gained a stronger connection with her.
Suggestions
'she would reach home before the real danger[,] even as light snow fell.' I think it needs that comma, it doesn't read quite right at the moment.
This was a little tamer than my usual choice of reading material. It was an interesting piece of character work.
I like the old fashioned tone you've adopted for this one. It helped transport the reader to that time & place.
The depiction of the father-son relationship in this piece is quite touching.
Overall an interesting use of the prompt, I always enjoy a well written historical piece of writing, and this was one of those.
Suggestions
'Without uttering a word[,] Jon sat down' Needs that comma after the opening statement.
'At dawn, Henry tossed a few meager belongings into a rucksack' Did they have rucksacks in those days? I'm gonna have to go look. "The word backpack was coined in the United States in the 1910s. Knapsack and packsack were used before" That's according to wikipedia, so you can give it whatever value you decide, but I had my doubts that the term as in use during the civil war. This was a civil war piece, right? I'm not sure when the word rucksack was actually invented, even if they had similar items they were not known by this name.
'birth control was mandatory until a person reached their first century.' This line sends a shiver down the spine, for more ways than one. Sinister and sickening.
This is a light hearted piece of satire, I think. I like the way you describe this 'utopian' future, then reveal the slight problem of the verlasting population. You save an extra little kicker for the end, too.
There were some very funny and well written lines in this one.
Just one thing, are you sure such a healthy populace would still eat that stuff? Hmm, maybe that was the real solution.
Overall a fun read and might make you think, or might not. Either way I enjoyed it.
Suggestions
'insuring the survival of mankind' I'm farily certain it should be ensuring, in this instance.
'handed a bell shaped lighted disk.' This section reads a little awkwardly. I'd say 'bell-shaped, lighted disk' to slow the rhythm a little.
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Nice attention to detail there, adding signitures at the top & bottom, adds a human element to the piece. It's also good to see you providing a little reference for readers too, don't see that too often around these parts.
Nice opening paragraph, you take us right into the scene. I like the way you've incorporated a reason for including such harrowing detail in a letter to a loved one. Clever touch.
I liked how you used this piece to explore the darkness of war. The scenes and events described are quite horrific. The final section serves as a little light at the end of the tunnel. There's a line here that really stood out for me, but I shall leave it for other readers to discover for themselves.
Suggestions
'our enemies’ armor' Ah ha! Since you are writing a letter from a British soldier, I get to pull you up for using American spelling! Armour.
That's the only one though, the rest were fine and I didn't spot any grammar errors. Obviously this soldier knows his commas!
Again, you make good use of juxtaposition here, using the countdown of the lift/elevator to contrast the 12 months mentioned in the piece.
'Eileen, the one waitress working,' Nice alliteration here.
'And you saw empty storefronts darkening the block like missing teeth.' That's great imagery. I really liked your descriptions in this piece. They were clear, easy to picture, yet distinctive and imaginatively phrased. Nice writing.
This was an interesting piece, about a guy whose life of routine and repetition is brought into upheaval by something he cannot control. It was an enjoyable and well crafted read. I thik the message here is one of taking chances, making changes, small or large, and not just settling in you own little rut, because there will always be something you can't control. Great piece.
Suggestions
'He would have to talk to Frank[,] so that Frank could find somebody else to supervise customer service.' I think it needs that comma to seperate the opening statement of the sentence.
'A cold win cut down the street' That should be wind, right?
'And except for Thursdays[,] when the special was sugar-cured ham, Delwin always answered the same' I'd put in that second comma to partition 'extra information'. This may just be personal preference though.
'He waved to Fred Arquette[,] who was sliding into a booth near the front' Again, to seperate the opening statement.
'the response from the group had [been]a blank stare' Missed a word there, me thinks.
Things that stood out? The opening paragraph, the scene from the science fiction story, the sniffle nurse scene, the juxtaposition of his sitting beside his mother's deathbed and his wife sitting beside his. Your use of detail and the display of imagination in this piece are also impressive.
'Edith and I have been married for nearly sixty years, and in sixty years we got to know each other several times.' I really liked that line, it has a subtle wisdom to it.
You created a good emotional depth in the piece from this odd narative angle. I've seen a lot of stories written from this perspective,but this is one of, if not the, best I've seen. I also like how we never learn how the narrator arrived in this situation.
This is a lesson in short story writing. I recommend it to anyone.
Suggestions
I didn't spot anything, other than the usual little things that different writers would chose to write in slightly different ways.
I'm not sure this one quite met the high standards I normally expect from you.
I liked your use of language and description in the piece. You showed a little of the Native American life, it suggests you have researched the topic.
I think what put me off this one a little was the story seemed to lack a little of your usual natural flow. It seemed to hop around a little and the way it was told the action was related in an odd manner which made it a little less gripping and exciting.
I still enjoyed the read, and feel you have shared a little American history with the reader.
I really like the second paragraph here. Nice sense of mystery, and the description of the empty bar is really well done.
'Hadn’t I choreographed my life' Nice line, ties in nicely with Sebastiana's occupation. Clever technique.
Nice ending, I didn't expect that one. I liked how you repeated the refrain 'Tomorrow...' It gave the piece a nice rhythm, a nice momentum that it hadn't had up to this point. It highlighted her epiphany and the changes to follow.
A fun little read, different in style and content to what I expected. Good job.
Suggestions
'It had been a long day at the dance studio and her doctor’s appointment she had put off hadn’t made her day any better.' This sentence read a little clumsily. I think it's the 'she had put off' part. Maybe put this in commas. Or try to remove it somehow, is it necessary?
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You did a great job with this one. I liked the way you incorporated deliberate misspellings to add to the authenticity. It’s very effective to see these terrible events described in what seem to be the very words of a man who experiences them.
It’s also good to see you including a few notes on the historical aspects of the piece and clarifying a few terms. This made for an interesting and informative piece of writing. I liked that you tried something different.
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I think this could be your best work yet! Superb!
I found this highly amusing and illuminating.
You've really captured the essence of the Uber-fan in this one. You seem to have merged the fan and stalker prompt into a wonderful goulash of, slightly creepy, humour.
I was so impressed, and I hope you don't mind, that I have taken the liberty of posting this to the Kiefer Sutherland fan club!
Suggestions
I didn't spot any errors, except you forgot to mention how Ultimately Tough Jack Bauer is.
I like the intro, nice description of the character. I think you used just the right amount of detail here. Giving us a clear picture, without going on for too long.
The actual break-up scene was so funny. The way the dumper stumbled over his words, pretty much putting it the worst way possible, and the dumpee's response is priceless.
'things were deteriorating faster than a sand dune in a hurricane' Great line.
I really liked this one. You've captured something. The emotions are so real. You didn't do anything over the top or melodramatic, it just seems to be authentic.
I also liked the style in which you told it, really as an internal monologue of the narrator. It is stumbling, and unsure, just as he is. Worked really well.
Overall another fantastically well crafted read.
Suggestions
'We were in the library[,] after all.' should there be a comma here?
'I mean sure[,] it's been a while since we made out'
"Yeah[,] but..." definitely needs a comma (I'm not so sure about the two above, but this one I'm certain! )
'threw a quick glance over my shoulder[,] perhaps hoping she was giving me a longing look of regret' I think...
'a quiet area[,] where she would not have the chance to yell' Another 'I think', is this written in odd sentence structures, or have I just forgotten how to use commas?
Some people have some very odd beliefs, don't you think? How outdated and closed minded is the view of the aunt and uncle in this piece?
The piece read with a cross between melodrama and realism, I thought. I liked the ambiguity of the ending, left me wondering if she meant to go so far.
Suggestions
'But[,] since Sarah had gone to live with them,' I think that needs the extra comma.
'to get them to like her, to love her[,] but they had never responded.' extra comma.
'She didn't know what some of the words meant[,] but she knew different.' this line read a little oddly for me. The 'but she knew different'. It sounds a bit like you are saying she knows different than they do, whereas you mean she knows the word different. I'd either put 'different' in apostraphies, in order to istinguish it, or change it to 'but she knew the word different'.
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Yup, we were allowing multiple entries for this round, no one else seems to have gotten round to it though, ah well. Let's see if this is even finer than your previous effort...
Ha ha, I'm loving your dialogue in this one, very amusing.
Good use of language and naming here. You made the Aliens sound suitably, erm, alien and sent up the realestate industry quite nicely.
I definitely enjoyed this one, something a little different and fun. I like the thought that they are going to redecorate, we sure could use a change.
Suggestions
"We most certainly couldn't," I think that should be could, to make sense after the previous line.
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A great opening scene. You describe the charcater's appearance well, even giving us a little of his background story.
'I refuse to mention that Christmas was a week ago.' An amusing line. Nice piece of characterisation again here, for both narrator and subject.
You inject a lot of sadness into Sid in this piece. He just can't seem to hold his life together, despite his previous successes. I found it very realistic. Just the kind of conversation a washed up rock star might have with his barman.
Maybe this piece tells us that we shouldn't wait for New Year to vow these improvements to our lives and persons.
Anyway, it was an enjoyable and well crafted read. Great work.
Suggestions
' My resolution[,] or whatever that' maybe a comma here?
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Interesting opening line. You set the atmosphere well with this one.
This was a fun little read. you did a good job using the countdown and flashbacks to break up the piece.
The ending was dark and light at the same time, somehow.
You demonstrated good use of imaginative detail in describing the suit.
Anyway, nice story, I look forward to reading your second entry.
Suggestions
I didn't spot anything, although I did find this sentance a little long and disjointed: 'Mrs. Hartigan would tell her son on his commission day, with both disdain and utmost love in her voice, while she brushed from the sleeve of her son’s uniform dust that only she could see.' Maybe break it up a little bit. Change 'would tell her' to 'told her' for a start and 'while she brushed' could be changed to 'brushing'
Maybe describe a bit more of what Mack can see, can he see a planet? The stars? The sun? Maybe it's a nice view.
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I recently watched the film Jarhead, about the original Gulf War. This reminded me a little of it, as one scene has the soldiers celebrating Christmas. Althought that is the only similarity.
The ending of this one was fairly inevitable. I think you delivered it well, though.
Charley definitely seems to fall into the category of soldiering as a job, rather than a passion. He'd rather be at home, or at least back in camp, partying.
I liked your use of tecnical terms in the piece. These little touches of detail added to the realism, without making things hard to follow.
Overall this was an engaging read, with a poignant ending.
Suggestions
'standing [at] his post forever.' I think you missed a word here.
'this dirty, smelly, foreign land.' I'd maybe take out that comma after smelly, as foreign isn't part of the list of description, or is it? Seems better without the comma to me, anyway.
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