Love always a wonderful topic.
You have expressed complete love here and for that well done!
But the writing needs a great amount of wrok
There are many grammar mistakes and capitalization errors. For instance this sentence you change tenses in the sentence.
You made me Somewhat perfect person cause you mould me to be the better person i am right now,
You should always capitalize "I"
There are many times that you have random words capitalized.
You have issues with possession, like particular person weakness, should be particular person's weakness
Bravo!
The pace and rhythm of your poem is great. Very easy to read. If you read it out loud, it flows wonderfully.
I looked with a critical eye for spelling and such and there is nothing really, I think you are missing a space between contact and so. But that isn't anything.
I will love to read more of your work and hope sometime you might find the time to read mine.
I have written a few reviews now. When I first started with Poems I thought completely inadequate. Then I changed to just speaking freely from my heart and mind. Please take my review in stride and as possible suggestions to help you improve.
But in these case of this poem. I have no help for you. This brought the emotion and tears to my eyes. I enjoyed this, the cadence, the form. I know we all would like suggestions to improve. Maybe more in the title? I am stretching there. Well done!
Thank you for sharing, write on, write more, write now!
This is something that I relate to.
I have spent years working for Medical Practices. I can close me eyes and see this office. The scene spells out easily for me to read and to imagine just exactly this moment in time.
I wouldn't change a word. I am glad you have shared this with us all!
Is write more, redundant.. I think not! Well done.
It is only too bad that you posted this anonymously. In my humble opinion this is well written.
It is easy to read with a very nice flow to your presentation.
You have described scenes that are familiar to many and easy to relate too.
Very nice description!!!
Plagued with oily bumps that battle back your confidence
Thank you for sharing this, I cannot find a flaw or anything to improve upon.
I love to read about grandchildren. I too will be a grandfather very soon. You have expressed several wonderful images of being a grandparent. As a reviewer I look at content, presentation and structure.
I loved the content.
There are a couple of spelling changes I would suggest.
dont make don't
seee make see
grandchildrens make grandchildren's
like a white flying morning dove... I would suggest like a white morning doves in flight
apot make a pot
Those are really minor. Keep on writing, I enjoyed this read.
I needed something to make me laugh. You have succeeded.
To describe this scene so vividly makes one think someone has personal experience in the matter.
But it does not matter, with so few words you have done well, leaving us wanting more verse to laugh with you at.
Oh man! I feel the love. As i read this I get the impression you were inspired with your love and wrote this full of emotion.
That makes a passionate expression of your love, something if you gave your loved one, they would cry and hug and all that. So for that very well done.
But I think there are a few technical issues.
I would suggest the you write two instead of 2
You don't need to have so many exclamation points. The writing itself conveys your feelings.
A few of your rhymes I think you struggled to make the rhyme and it hurt your expression.
I would throw in a few adjectives, or adverbs to be more descriptive.
Please take these as suggestions, these are your words and I understand how you might feel with someone saying , change this or that.
Harsh cruel words to be certain. This poem is more an emotional upheaval than poetic verse.
and now the other side of my non-defensive brain kicks in.
Very nice thought provoking combination of words.
The person that I truly am - Is not the person that you fell in love with
Very cleverly worded piece. Well done.
I sense something off however. For example if you have proven that you don't have the things needed from you. I wonder if this would work better if you said... You've proven time and time again ... that I don't have the things you need from me.
Thank you for sharing this. Full of images.
But did this poem have a destination?
I think so!
The very first line is perhaps my favorite... to think of a leave as an amber tear.
Not sure I agree with stately raven... but that is pure opinion
Are we to take that some one used to stone to smite the traveler?
I don't have anything to change. But I do hopes something I have written will help you.
A nice short poem. You have described how no one can see, hear or know your pain. The thunderstorm is a metaphor for pace of life. (in my opinion), and how can anyone understand or help deal with your issues when 'life" consumes them?
Revenge a dish best served cold, but you served it hot and erotically. You leave the reader with questions, many poems do. Like, did you go into the back seat of the car, with revenge in mind, or did you realize this was revenge while you were in the back of the car?
Who knows?
There is one technical point, you have used the word .... our tongues than danced with one another... should be our tongues then danced with one another.
Then you are writing this your new lover, your hands, our lips, our tongues. So are you saying that you will only be with this new lover once? ...never again feeling your touch?
But that could be just want you wanted to convey.
I liked the way you centered your poem.
I liked the way you described your passionate moment.
Well done, keep writing! I am looking forward to reading more of your works. If you get a chance check out some of mine.
I have read this a few times. And every time I finish, I am further from understanding!
I want to say good things about this, but I don't understand. Flaming birds of falling snow. I think someone should smack the back of my head and say, well that means this! The fire bird soars, with singing notes touching snow leaving footprints?
I am truly sorry I am missing it...
I see a couple of technical issues.
But it's own two wings beat strong and true.... should be But its own two wings beat strong and true.
And leans to dream without a hope... should be And learns to dream without a hope.
Thank you for sharing, You do write well, I am just dense.
I never know how to react when I read poetry that is describing a topic that is about a person self-loathing. I have decided to read it at two levels. One emotional. In that light, this is very draining, you have described so many ways you can see yourself, critique yourself, try to understand. Your words are much better than mine.
On the technical level this seems to be a flawless.
The only thing I see and I am sorry, I cannot even come up with a suggestion is this passage:
The brightest lights no longer glow
Alive in death does indeed show
I might just not perceive what you mean, but this seems off somehow.
Pure happiness is exactly how I feel when I read this. I like your style. Very nice poem.
I do think you could do without just ONE word! Think about this.. just perhaps.
And the bass soars.
We know that bass is a sound, so we don't need that also?
Just a thought
You have brightened my night with this, and I so appreciate it. Keep on writing, I hope to read and review more of your in the future.
Insomnia - Just plain tired - Warmth of a bed - Rest
Everything in the world is screaming at you to stay asleep.
I like your poem and your style. You have described my mornings to my very nicely thank you.
I don't think you should capitalize Modest.
Sometimes it is good to use simple words and others to wax eloquence. Maybe changing a couple of words..
That is my humble opinion.
Comparing mates to a fungi!
I almost have no words, but that is virtually impossible.
You style is refreshing. I can tell you that I am smiling as I read this. There is no editing that I feel should take place. I love this as it is. I only am unsure about the work kooky. It seemed out of place.
But this is NOT necessarily bad, just a little bit of my opinion. Write on !
You easily draw a reader into your story. In a short 300 word story I can see where you met your prompts for the contest. I wish you luck on there.
In my humble opinion, it looks like you forced the horse in there. It sounds like the horse in on the street, it seems out of place.
But that is me really looking for something! I see no spelling of grammar issues. And I do certainly like this story.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you find you stay here fun and interesting. Full of learning moments, interesting stories to read and maybe making a few friends.
When I review, I look at several things. From emotional to spelling and grammar.
You have spelled join... as Jion..
You have spelled what's ... as What;s
It might help the reader if you broke up your story into more paragraphs. But just a few.
Please tell s more, a trip to the zoo from a dog's eyes. I want to know more!
Life as you know it. Life in four short paragraphs.
When I read this I was hoping to be inspired. But I think this fell a little short for me. It could be that I was looking for a more descriptive article. This tells me if you fall get up with help from friends and family, and that there are those they will try to knock you down and to ignore them.
This is all true, I would rate this higher if you would consider some very descriptive words to describe falling, or being repressed.
What I do really like about your writing is that you are trying to share a message, a message of dealing with LIFE. Keep it up, write more.
I read this, then again.
To wonder, to wonder the questions that Man has asked, ponder and wonder, you process and feel emotion.
Then final conclusion that we are here to wonder.
I completely agree with the concept.
Your format is nice, and I see NOTHING that I would change.
In my reviews, I try to be honest about what I see and feel. I will say what I think might improve the piece, but this is your writing and I respect the effort you have put into it.
Content: Short Story that narrates a tale of monkey in a tree, or a chimpanzee in a tree. The reactions of an observer as the chimp moves into the observers home and then meets up with the friend.
Style:
A single paragraph story written in a flowing easy to read pace.
Tips:
I think this would benefit from breaking up into several sentences. Many of your sentences almost sound like poetic feet. You might just try it, and then let someone read it to you, I think you would be pleasantly surprised.
I notice some issues with the monkey walks across your roof, you say he walked across the celing (ceiling it should be) but really you mean to say roof on the outside, the ceiling would be indeed difficult to traverse. But not perhaps for a chimp.
Summary:
I liked many references, particularly the ..... needled staircase
This is nice and you do have a gift of story telling... Keep it up. Write on.
In my reviews, I try to be honest about what I see and feel. I will say what I think might improve the piece, but this is your writing and I respect the effort you have put into it.
Content:
A short poem about betrayal, and the darkness that consumes you.
Style :
Written in freestyle prose, with punctual.
Tips:
You can spell laughes as.... laughs
Summary:
I like the idea of this poem and can appreciate how have written with these emotions on display. I would like to see you vary some thoughts, for instance you say in one line. All the smiles seem fake, and then in the next line you say .... another fake smile... I bet you could change this to express the same thought without repeating yourself. Now if you want that to be a central point, the fake smile, then drive that point home. So, Kayla thank you for putting this out and I hope you find this useful. If not it is all good. The important thing is for you to keep on writing!
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