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249 Public Reviews Given
254 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Forest  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very interesting story. I would expect that you are going to add more to it. What was the incident? You have a real talent for description. There are some issues with spelling and such... see below.
BEST LINE... a rushing stream which was racing south just like her heart. LOVE IT!

The title has Forest spelled wrong
heals.... should be heels
you wouldn't see yourself in a rushing stream. So you might make a small pond or something.
unsofisticated.... should be unsophisticated


Keep on writing, can't wait to read more.
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Review of American Reality  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (4.5)
Laura you have succeeded in summing up in poetic verse the state of the many Americans. You certainly have a talent for poetry and should write more and share your voice with us all. I really liked... With broken tears of glass... Very descriptive. If you get a change check out my writings. Write on!
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Review of To Go Alone  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this poem with us.
I have read this a few times and I can't find where I would change anything.
I am not a fan of the non-punctuated verse. I think it helps with emphasis. But it doesn't mean this should be changed, it is my personal issue. I have experienced loss and this does hit some common ground.

Well done. Write more.
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Review of To I at 15  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (4.5)
A wonderful way to express your thoughts. What better advise to give but to yourself, before you make the mistakes, or to make sure you do the right things that bring you to yourself. Only you know which worked well and didn't.

Maybe only use 15-year-old I... not sure..

Well done, write more. I loved this!
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Review of Angry  
Review by Bertos
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Overall this was written in a very well done manner. I like the acrostic style, I haven't seen that before, at least on WDC. The first line is interesting, the child is her parents counselor, financial adviser, mediator and messenger. Such pressure for one person. It is hard to review something and focus perhaps on grammar and spelling and then again on the meaning.

You have talent and should write much more. I am certain may would appreciate it.

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Review of Stay  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (5.0)
Extraordinary! I liked every word you have written. Very easy to read, your rhyming skills are excellent.

Best part...

More precious to me
Than an oyster their pearl

Least favorite... A dimming moon glow

I would not even say to change a word. It exudes the feeling of love leaving you. Please write more, thanks for sharing this.
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Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (1.5)
In my reviews, I try to be honest about what I see and feel. I will say what I think might improve the piece, but this is your writing and I respect the effort you have put into it.

Content: A beginning of a story

Tips:

Spelling edits - fisrt… first agaisnt should be against
To say… stacked mountains against her… seems confusing, could you say… at when times when the odds seemed highly stacked against her.
Thoughts, moments before her birth had pushed her harder even when she could do no more… so this is saying before she was born, her thoughts pushed her?
When Nataz gets to Tokyo what caught up to her? Is Nataz a dragon?
Because of how your sentences you have given mixed ideas and haven’t clearly given the readers clues about your story line.

Summary:
The issues with structure made this hard to read and required this to be re-read a few times just to get some meaning. I do look forward to you writing more, and cleaning this piece up. You are obviously still in the middle of writing it. The title doesn’t fit the context at all. Keep going, would love to read this when edited.
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Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very clever to construct your haiku as you have. You are connecting the recent passing of Neil Armstrong and the Blue Moon from last night. And we all know the connection of the moon with Mr. Armstrong.

In this haiku you only have four syllables in the third line.

I loved the sentiment of honoring this heroic man. Thank you for writing this.
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Review of Trapped  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (4.0)
A lovely twelve line poem.
These are your words and please take this purely as a a suggestion.
I am not sure the title fits your poem, it seems you would need to add something to make us feel trapped.
I see no spelling or corrections to grammar. Well done.

I really like the section about No risk, No pain. Not falling in. that really grabs my attention.

You leave many things open to interpretation, and that is very refreshing. I wish I could do that in my own writing..

Keep on writing, can't wait to read more.
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Review of Bloodthirsty  
Review by Bertos
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Overall I would say you have written a fine poem. Some of this structure is hard for me to enjoy. Perhaps if even one or two periods were inserted to help with pause or emphasis. "But I don't" seems like it was added and doesn't fit in the flow.

With the meaning of your poem, you are expressing the bloodthirsty need for you to use the knife. It makes me sad that there those that might think like this.

You do have a talent for writing, I would like to read more. Please WRITE ON!
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Review of Gone  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (4.5)
In my reviews, I like to be honest about what I see and feel. I will say what I think might improve the piece, but this is your writing and I respect the effort you have put into it.

Content: A short poem of 21 lines, free verse, with lines of variable length. (Not being a poet expert myself, there may be a name for that!)

Style: Free flow of thought, easy to read.

Tips: The first three lines seem different to the rest. I suppose you could make Gone in my treasure its own line and kept your form throughout.

Summary: I am shying away from reviewing poems because as I read them I enjoy them so much. Just like yours! I like your sequencing of what is now gone and summing them up at the last. So I feel your pain. Well done, hope to read more of your works.

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Review of I Sit And Think  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (4.5)
I read the title of your poem and my mind is reminded of the poem by J.R.R. Tolkien. But I read on, it is not in the same world. Twenty poetic lines that very accurately convey your thought. I love your rhymes, they seem natural and well written. This poem makes me smile. I have very little to add, just the second "I sit and think of all the trails and the pain" something is there I want to change, but I can't express it! So it must be just right.

Good writing! Keep Writing!
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Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (3.5)
In my reviews, I like to be honest about what I see and feel. I will say what I think might improve the piece, but this is your writing and I respect the effort you have put into it.

Content: A short story about the most wonderful time in your life. I mean, your time as a new mother.

Style: Chronological narrative

Tips: You might try breaking this up to a couple of paragraphs. Just makes it easier to read. When you write number under ten you should spell them out. A couple of your sentences are really long, try to break them up and vary the length.
You started consecutive sentences with By... I might suggest ... At three months its time for pictures. She is now growing like a weed...

Summary: I always enjoy reading about love and family. It is obvious you love your little girl. This piece took the reader along your girl's first three months, and made me feel good and happy. Well done, keep writing. Please take my tips, as just that. If you like I have a short poem, I wrote about my daughter, check it out!

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Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (3.0)
In my reviews, I like to be honest about what I see and feel. I will say what I think might improve the piece, but this is your writing and I respect the effort you have put into it.

Content: A short 12-line poem about insomnia

Style: Free verse with punctuation and capitalization

Tips: I would capitalize the “I”s and add some commas, if nothing but to create a pause for the reader. If you were going for minimal punctuation, I would simply suggest that you capitalize as you have and add one period after rhythm.
hearts -----should be ---- heart’s

Summary: I can relate very closely to your poem. Many nights I lay awake at night and have those thoughts. Well done for that! I would have rated you higher, if you used more expressive words to describe how your heart’s rhythm was unusual, or what the crickets sounded like or how you knew they were there. I am not saying that would be easy in a short poem. But that is the challenge! Keep writing and get some sleep!

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Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (2.0)
In my reviews, I like to be honest about what I see and feel. I will say what I think might improve the piece, but this is your writing and I respect the effort you have put into it.

Content:
A political essay that puts forth the thought that India could become a world power by becoming more economically dominant, to change the current administration, to work together, and to allow voting by ATM as a means for the more educated and affluent to have a greater voting privilege than those with less.

Style:
Long run on sentences that do not allow the reader time to focus or concentrate on individual ideas or suggestions.

Tips:
You have many grammatical and spelling errors. I have pointed out many here.
I some ways are --- should be --- in some ways our
I thing we do have ---- should be --- I think we do have
Yes, I’v heard --- should be --- I’ve heard
I would spell out US as United States.
to empower them self ---- should be ---- to empower themselves.
again and again and again and all of us what to fix this --- to make this point you don’t have to repeat again and again, you can use perhaps --- continually, or extensively.. I think you meant “want” instead of what.
Yes, I am talking about a soft of dictatorial group of people. The need --- it looks like you just stopped here in mid thought. Try giving this to someone to read back to you, it will help you find these kind of mistakes.
there is not way ---- should be ---- there is no way
fare share --- should be ---- fair share
failed miserably to that ----- should be revised---- perhaps try failed miserably at that, or something much more descriptive.
of out differences --- should be – for our differences
I find the large separation of your paragraphs by multiple lines to be distracting from the flow of your points.

Summary:

I thought you have an original thought with the ATM machines and it was interesting you brought that up. I rather enjoyed reading about your views and situations you feel could be changed in India.

However, I do not think you have made a convincing argument to your points. Several times, you have introduced a point with no reference to go with. You are asking the reader to believe your ideas, you need to give some evidence that your thoughts have been successful.
Keep expressing your thoughts that is the first step to convincing others you have a better plan or goal for the future. Thank you for writing this.

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Review of Listen  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (3.0)
In my reviews, I like to be honest about what I see and feel. I will say I think might improve the piece, but this is your writing and I respect the effort you have put into it.

Content: A short poem of a person who feels abandoned and who's screams are not heard by anyone. Until he comes and brings her to back her no one listens to life.

Style: Free Form Poetry

Tips: This could do with some punctuation, to get the reader to stop, give emphasis to your words.

He listens to me... ones again Did you mean 'once" again? or something else it si written so you can't tell.

Summary:
I felt the emotion and pain this person felt. But it ran on for me and I would have enjoyed it more with some other structure to it. You have written your thoughts and put them out there, this isn't always easy to do. With very little work this would be good. Please write more, tell us more! Thanks for your work.

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Review of Phillip's Story  
Review by Bertos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
In my reviews, I like to be honest about what I see and feel. I will say what I think might improve the piece, but this is your writing and I respect the effort you have put into it.

Content: A story about how dwarves were forced from their homes to be aided by a ferryman.

Style: A very nice flowing story, this had a familiar sense to it, as I read many stories like the “Sword of Shannara” and the like. It is like a comfortable chair, it fits and I like it.

Tips:
In the first line I would replace “like” with “as”
… the earth. I don’t know, but what I do know is that there were thousands of them… If we don’t know if the dwarves are spirit creatures, or how many? Maybe a little re-ordering of the words would help here.
They are said to be bejeweled….. are the dwarves or the creations bejeweled?
necessary to establish trade to obtain . . . this doesn’t flow for me… maybe… ‘necessary to trade with humans to obtain things…
tidy profit off of their subterranean …. Maybe just drop the ‘of”
way point, should be waypoint.
screamer’s pass Would you want to capitalize this geographic reference?
Mine shaft , should be mineshaft
it off for the night when he was approached by a short old man with a thick white beard and glasses… maybe changing this around… “When a short old man with a thick white beard and glasses, approached him.”
weeks time could be weeks’ time
“Lastly, I give unto the knowledge of what you have done this night.” … maybe add ‘you’ in this sentence.

There are several places I would add a comma.

It appears that in a few places, you would benefit from breaking out the dialogue from the text.


Summary:
I enjoyed this story from beginning to end. It makes me wanting more. Why are these people in a morbid state? What connection do they have to this story? Is that meant to be? You have described several nice scenes and the most powerful writing is as the dwarves were boarding the barge. Well done. I hope you are going to add to this, take this somewhere wonderful.

Favorite line - He opened the door to find his diminutive benefactor waiting.

Keep up the writing.


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Review of Unitethomia  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (1.5)
In my reviews, I like to be honest what I see and felt. What I think might improve the piece, but this is your writing and I respect the effort you have put into it.

Content: A short story of how the world’s land mass split into more continents. You have introduced some women and a family but not real evidence of any plot, or storyline.

Style: This story doesn’t flow from beginning to end. And in reading this to grasp your intent is very difficult.

Tips:
I’ll try to explain why in my humble opinion, I have marked up sections in red to highlight some ideas:

In early 70’s, the 25th of October 1973 to be exact, the landscapes of the whole entire earth, got cut into (why? Earthquake, meteor, the will of god?)pieces forming more than 7 continents worldwide.
Then and there (not needed), as continents began to isolate in distant areas, one remarkably enormous united country (should be a continent) floated apart. The Homo sapiens, who belonged to this environmental friendly Unitethomia, gained their currencies (worded poorly) with their highest efforts in the field of agriculture at an international scale. They were famous as “the mother of farming”. This would be obvious due to their very first footsteps (where did they come from?) being launched on top of the most exotic country with natural wonders highlighted (how are wonders highlighted like this?) all over the universe.



This 2,700,020 square kilometers lengthened (instead of lengthened, in area maybe?) country had beautiful crystal white sand, and aquatic under world (one word underworld) where diamond like dusks (dusks? word choice) are seen when sunlight hits the sea. The citizens named them as, "Shimmering maritime”. This one beach was elongated till the end of the country(“one beach ran the whole length of the country”), as this was the only country with merely one town in which deserved the name of the beloved kingdom. This habitation was not only popular from land background, but in women’s outlook too. (this whole section doesn’t make sense. Maybe.. This country had just one town, as such, the town and the country had the same name. It was known for its beautiful women.)



Those women were famous with the look of Arabian fair skin and hour glass shaped body. Miserably, they had a dark side of prostitution, in which they got proficient in the path of pleasing the international guests who visited for essential conferences. Their most gratifying meals include, beef, chicken, fish and various species of birds. Anything except for ham and pork as to them, its side effects were unhealthy in their religious observation. (You could word this differently to express the culture, this is confusing at best.) Their cultural skill includes the field of art in various directions such as, pottery art, poetry art, interior designing, graffiti and many more.



In this fairytale land, their lived a family, filled with poorness and misery due to the loss of their father at an early age. Their mother died when they were 18 and half years old. Elisha Emette and Emina Emette both came to the world on 5th of August 1989 at a midnight in a car. They came along in the middle of an accident where their own father died. Luckily, their mother Mrs. Emette survived, although had a disability of smelling ever since. (This doesn’t appear with any connections to the rest of the story. Does the disability mean that the mother smells bad? Or she cannot smell anything herself?)


Summary: I hope you take my suggestions and re-write this. As it is, it is very difficult to read. Keep it up, you have an idea here that could really end up with a nice story. Good writing!
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Review of Driven  
Review by Bertos
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
In my reviews, I like to be honest what I see and felt. What I think might improve the piece, but this is your writing and I respect the effort you have put into it.

Content: A short story that describes a power hungry politician that has used personal charm and strong arm tactics to get what he desired. Including a new wife, but in turn this alienated the stepson. That conflict comes to a head with the stepson creating a decision point for Aiden, one which he chooses to up the stakes and goes down a path of no return.

Style: This was actually very easy to read, which to me is important. I don’t like to re-read everything to understand your points. You brought some details into your story, but just enough to provide clarity, and not too much to slow down the process.

Tips:
This phrase…. become the youngest mayor of a major city in the country. … How about …youngest mayor of any major city in the country?
This part… that was a small price to pay for all you going to pocket … I think you dropped a word here, maybe … all you were going to pocket?
And this part… Something in the boy’s voice made the hair on the back of Aiden’s next stand up. .. I think you meant "neck” not next.

Then two things with the storyline.
If he owned an I-phone (I might type this iPhone), would he still have a little black book?

With the use of eminent domain, you have phrased it like Aiden tried. Would you consider making this somehow that Aiden by using the city's power of eminent domain… Not sure, but I think it would enhance that part.

Summary Your intent here was to describe a character. You did, and this reader didn’t like him. So in this context that is good! I enjoyed this very much and please take my tips for what they are tips. I would like to read more of your work.
Good luck with your contest and WRITE ON!

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Review of Now I Cry  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (4.0)
In my reviews, I like to be honest what I see and felt. What I think might improve the piece, but this is your writing and I respect the effort you have p[ut into it..

Content: A free verse poem, that you start with the question about others and then describe you own realization that while the outside appearance changes, the inner self is constant. And yet you cry. At least that is my interpretation of your work. I particularly liked the line …

And while I see your reflection
through the mirror each and
every day
you solemnly watch me back.

Style: Very easy to read. The flow is simple and honest. I enjoyed the variance of line length.

Tips: The fifth paragraph is somewhat confusing to me. You don’t smile and the distance seems like time and the laugh. Something in that flow
didn’t work. Maybe just a comma after smile and.then capitalize the... You still laugh.

Your eyes have changed? But yet you still see your eyes. I don't know if I understand what your were going with here.

I very much enjoyed the feeling this poem gives me. You have a talent of telling your tale in poetic form. Keep on writing, I can’t wait to read more of your work. Thank you for writing this.

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Review of The Reunion  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed your story Dave. Just the right length. All nice and tidy. I as the reader felt disdain for Bill. And a life lesson of understanding who true caring friends was great. A couple of tips, it might be personal style but the presentation is a bit confusing, It might be you were flowing back and forth with present and past tense. Not sure you need to capitalize Cabby, some added spaces. Just my opinion and maybe helpful. Keep writing. Thank you for writing this.
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Review of Our Peace  
Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (2.0)
I tried to read this a few times to understand your thoughts. I tried to enjoy it but I am left confused and not actually getting your point. There isn't breaks to your words, one long paragraph. It doesn't give the read any focal points. The title and first line seem to have nothing to do with the remaining peace. So it wasn't the content or the meaning of what you are trying to convey, but the format was very difficult to read. Please break this up.
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Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nicely written. Pulls the reader in emotionally. Very easy to read, your descriptions brought the scene to me. There is only one tip, you say that you were seventeen and then you were a young man of twenty. As I read this, it appears this was all part of one night. But then I was looking for something that you might consider helpful.

Thank you for writing this, I can really say, Job well done.
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Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really love the voice you use here. I don't know if you thought about this for weeks, for five minutes. It struck a please chord in my brain! Can you tell I liked it? It wasn't too long, or too short.

A couple of tips...

So I may travel it's planes without restriction? should be So I may travel its planes .... Its doesn't need an apostrophe unless you use it at a contraction for it is, or it has....

That led me to that point of life... I think instead of lead.

Not distracting from your work, but I might suggest those changes. Thank you and I will read more of your work.
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Review by Bertos
Rated: E | (2.0)
Well I can see what you are trying to say. I would not be honest if I didn't point to several changes you ought to consider.

Their, not there
Whether , not weather
I am guessing you are going for hoping and not using your "g" for effect. If so, I guess you should use "hopin' " then not "hopein"

The important part is that you put thoughts to type, words together to share. Please continue and don't take this as a negative. Just trying to help! Good luck.
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